Well here we are, it's been over a year AGAIN since I've posted anything in my blog. For my 2 readers (unless I've already lost you), I apologize for the long gaps in my writing over the last few years. Really this blog is mostly for myself, it's kind of like a journal and hopefully one day will be one that I share with my family. I mean, they already know that I believe in Jesus and go to church, but I don't really talk about my faith much around them and certainly have never shared the intimate details about my journey or given them the link to my blog. One day...
Anyway, this year has been pretty rough. Not just for me I'm sure, because we're in the midst of a global pandemic. Covid-19 has literally changed the world we live in and the way we live in it. But before this virus got started, I had my own world upended when I finally decided that I had enough of the lying, cheating and disrespecting that had been my marriage for the past 20 plus years and filed for divorce. I had alluded to this in some previous posts without ever actually saying what it was, but needless to say, I finally had my breaking point in the fall of 2019 when it happened yet AGAIN. This time, not just affecting me, but more significantly, my younger son. I will spare the details but I finally had the courage, the strength and the peace I needed from God to end a very toxic, unhealthy marriage.
So I filed...then he moved out...then LOCKDOWN happened. I found myself in the midst of a difficult divorce basically alone because I couldn't go to church, couldn't get together in person with my life group, my friends, my family - basically I felt an isolation like I've never experienced. I have been tested A LOT throughout my faith journey...but I have to say that these last several months have tested my faith in ways I never could have imagined. With all the other "tests" I've been through, I have had so much support from my friends (church and non-church alike). I could always count on a literal shoulder to lean/cry on, lots of hugs, intimate one on one or group conversations where I could pray and be prayed over...actual in person physical and emotional contact with people who love and care for me. Suddenly, I'm in this incredibly devastating, life altering situation ALONE. Sure, I had zoom calls and texts and video chats...but for someone whose top 2 love languages are quality time and physical touch - umm, DEVASTATING.
Oh, ya and also - I changed jobs - twice - during this time. AND - my dad (who was living in Georgia) had health issues so we ended up moving him up here and I was dealing with lots of phone calls and emails trying to get those logistics squared away (during a pandemic)...AND - my mom was having health issues...AND my 16 year old's depression was really bad...AND my 20 year old dropped his college classes because he was feeling overwhelmed (before the pandemic lockdown was even a thing but after I filed for divorce). Literally my neck is tight and my left eye is twitching after typing all this because it's been SO stressful and recounting it all in this post is just flooding my mind with all of the emotions.
Test, after test, after test, after test. Nearly 8 months later, the divorce is still not final. Despite all of my attempts to be as kind, fair and "by the book" as I possibly can be (and many would argue WAY more than I should be)...I'm certainly not getting the same courtesy in return. My legal fees are now in excess of the cost of my entire wedding AND honeymoon. I'm getting notices that my credit score is going down (despite MY best efforts to improve it). I still don't have an end date to this debaucle. We still don't know whether school will happen in person or not for my high schooler. My oldest is now thinking about moving out in the next few weeks. Literally...one thing after another after another. My weight has gone up rather than down and I'm certain that's mostly due to increased cortisol production (stress hormone). Oh - and have I mentioned that I'm in full on perimenopause complete with hot flashes, crazy mood swings, irregularity like I have never seen, crazy dreams, night sweats, insomnia...good grief it's not fun being a woman! I also turned 50 last month. That birthday really made me think and evaluate my life. Whew.
Well friends, here's the deal. I have not been really great about staying connected with God lately. I've been allowing Satan to fuel the fire burning under and in me. The stress and the tests and the mess of life have really gotten to me over the past several months. But I was reading through some of my past blog posts tonight while texting with a friend. And it kind of hit me hard that I've been trying to deal with all of this alone for too long. I'm not alone. Even if I'm in a pandemic and can't be "with" my support system in person as I would prefer to be. Even if I "feel" lonely and alone, I'm not. God IS with me. He's never left me. One of my "go to" verses that I am constantly sharing with friends who are struggling is one that I need to "go to" myself right now and REALLY focus on and believe. Because I know it's the truth. It's from the book of Isaiah:
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. - Isaiah 43:2-3a
Lord, I know that in this life, I will have trials. You have said that I would - it's not a big secret - and the trials don't stop just because I decided to follow You. In fact, sometimes when we decide to follow You, our trials actually become more difficult and more frequent. There's a cost involved when we choose You over the world. Sometimes I allow the stress to overwhelm me and I forget the truth. The truth is that YOU are in control and that good defeats evil in the end. I know where I'm going after this life. I know who I am and WHOSE I am. Especially now, with all of the trials that I'm facing, I need to lean into You and remember that YOU are Sovereign. You're the same God who gave Abraham and Sarah a son in their old age. The same God who parted the Red Sea for the Jewish people to walk across and escape slavery. The same God who came to live among His people, the same God who DIED to SAVE His people. The same God who lives IN me, never leaves me nor foresakes me. The same God who has brought me through ALL of the trials I've faced before. The same God who WILL bring me through these trials. Forgive me for trying to take on all of the stress and burdens of the last several months alone just because I felt alone. Help me to remember daily that You are with me and that, pandemic or no pandemic...I am NEVER alone and that the flames of these fires will not consume me. I pray for Your presence, protection, peace and provision and I thank You in advance for bringing me through these deep waters on YOUR shoulders. In Jesus name, Amen.
Tuesday, August 11, 2020
Monday, June 24, 2019
What in the WORLD Was I Thinking???
Well...I am pretty certain this is the longest period of time I've gone without writing a blog post since I started this blog nearly 7 years ago. I'm a slacker, and I've thought about posting several times over the past year and a half, but I haven't. The reason I'm posting tonight is because after talking with one of my very best friends this evening, she told me that I really needed to write in my blog. So here I am!
The reason I called this friend tonight is because I had a freak out moment earlier. Two years after selling our house and downsizing...TWO YEARS later...it hit me tonight how completely crazy what I did was and how there's literally no other way to explain how everything went down other than by God's grace, provision and mercy. I literally JUST realized how much I TOTALLY surrendered to God. I didn't just surrender my own will to Him, I surrendered my entire family, our finances...EVERYTHING to Him. This whole situation could have turned out SO differently.
So, I was thinking about how this happened. This full and complete surrender and trust of myself, my family, my finances, my life to Jesus. My friend admitted to me tonight that she (and apparently several other of our mutual friends) thought I was absolutely CRAZY when I told them that I felt God was telling me to sell my house. They (and I) knew it was a seller's market then (still is) and they knew I had been sick and that I hadn't been working and that I had no idea what the next step was after selling our house. When I think about this now, it sends shivers down my spine. Hear me, people (all 2 of you who read my blog)...I had NO CLUE what was going to happen after we signed the contract to sell our house. Not only did I have no clue what was going to happen, but I talked my husband into following along with this idea (thankfully I put that into God's hands as well because he was totally not on board). I convinced my boys it was the right thing to do and that I felt that God was calling me to do this. Hear me again...these are 3 people in my life who either DO NOT believe in God or who have very wavering faith that is doubtful and leary of God being real and/or being good.
Ok, let's back up a moment - because I really want to somehow convey my thoughts and my testimony here. I am hopeful that maybe, someone will read this one day and feel called to total surrender as well (not necessarily in the same way I was, of course, but called to turn their common sense and faith over blindly to God). I also want to make sure I convey this so that I will NEVER forget how faithful God is, and if I EVER start to doubt or waiver, I can go back to this and remember.
I don't know if the order of operations here is the same for everyone, but this is how total surrender happened for me: 1) I was LISTENING to God...reading, in His word, still, quiet etc. 2) I felt CONVICTED by God to give something up - something I absolutely positively NEVER wanted to give up. 3) I was WILLING to obey, even though I was sick, the timing seemed to really SUCK and again, it was something I did NOT want to do. 4) I TOLD others about what I felt God was convicting me to do, even though I knew they would think I was CRAZY. 5) I PRAYED that God would make a way if this was really what He wanted me to do. 6) I TRUSTED Him to make it work out, even though it seemed impossible. 7) I DID THE WORK that it took to follow through with everything. Even when God parted the Red Sea, the Jewish people had to walk through it, trusting Him - not knowing what would happen, where they would end up or if it would work out. Just as they made it to the other side, I/we did too. We got a home less than a mile from our old house. We have enough room for all of us (tight, yes, but enough). We have a garage (that I can't park in yet but one day...), a deck (that I love to sit on and have quiet time with God), a big back yard (we have a DOG now because of the big fenced yard), we are paying half of what our mortgage was before on a home equity loan that we used to pay off other debt AFTER buying this home outright in cash from the sale of our other home (WHAT?)...no one had to change schools...we didn't end up in a trailer park (which by the way, I was willing to do...not so much the husband). But on the other side of the Red Sea, the Jewish people had 40 years of wandering in the desert before they got to enter the promised land. I'm not saying we're wandering around, but we've had our fair share of issues since moving in. It hasn't all been a cake walk!
Here's something else amazing about all of this. I didn't know at the time that I was going to continue to have health issues for more than a year after this move. I was on short term disability for much of that time, but that only paid 60% of my "base" pay, which was not even close to what I actually made as a home health nurse because I was paid "per visit" and my disability was based on my hourly rate which was significantly less than my per visit rate. All this to say - we would have ended up losing our house. We would have been FORCED to move. We may have either sold it for whatever we could get for it out of desperation, or we would have had it foreclosed on by the bank because we could not have kept up paying the mortgage and all of our other bills with me not working for that long.
I am just in shock tonight about all the ways that God worked in and through this whole situation. I'm in shock that I blindly obeyed Him without having a single clue what the next step would be. I'm in shock that every time I told Him that if this is what He wanted, He would have to make a way - and He DID. I'm in shock that He knew if I didn't obey Him, we would end up losing our home in a very devastating way. It was already hard enough to give up our house in the way we did, but to be forced out would have been so heartbreaking, embarrassing and depressing. I'm just in shock that I was so willing to obey Him that I basically lost my ever loving mind for a time. Finally, I'm shocked that several of my church friends KNEW that I was completely crazy to do what I did...but let me do it anyway, not saying a word about how insane of an idea it was to sell my house without a plan of where we would end up, while I was sick...because they knew if they told me, it might cause me to falter in my obedience. They just sat by, knowing that God is capable of more than we could ever ask or imagine, and watched the whole thing unfold.
God, I can't say that I fully understand You, but I can say that I fully trust You. You are good, You are faithful, You know what's best for me even when it seems completely insane to me (and those around me). You know what I need before I do. You make a way. You part the seas and ask me to walk through and trust You. I don't ever want to forget the way this situation worked out when I completely surrendered to You, Jesus. I don't ever want to lose my blind faith in You. Thank You for being MY Savior and MY King! Praise You now and forever! Amen!
The reason I called this friend tonight is because I had a freak out moment earlier. Two years after selling our house and downsizing...TWO YEARS later...it hit me tonight how completely crazy what I did was and how there's literally no other way to explain how everything went down other than by God's grace, provision and mercy. I literally JUST realized how much I TOTALLY surrendered to God. I didn't just surrender my own will to Him, I surrendered my entire family, our finances...EVERYTHING to Him. This whole situation could have turned out SO differently.
So, I was thinking about how this happened. This full and complete surrender and trust of myself, my family, my finances, my life to Jesus. My friend admitted to me tonight that she (and apparently several other of our mutual friends) thought I was absolutely CRAZY when I told them that I felt God was telling me to sell my house. They (and I) knew it was a seller's market then (still is) and they knew I had been sick and that I hadn't been working and that I had no idea what the next step was after selling our house. When I think about this now, it sends shivers down my spine. Hear me, people (all 2 of you who read my blog)...I had NO CLUE what was going to happen after we signed the contract to sell our house. Not only did I have no clue what was going to happen, but I talked my husband into following along with this idea (thankfully I put that into God's hands as well because he was totally not on board). I convinced my boys it was the right thing to do and that I felt that God was calling me to do this. Hear me again...these are 3 people in my life who either DO NOT believe in God or who have very wavering faith that is doubtful and leary of God being real and/or being good.
Ok, let's back up a moment - because I really want to somehow convey my thoughts and my testimony here. I am hopeful that maybe, someone will read this one day and feel called to total surrender as well (not necessarily in the same way I was, of course, but called to turn their common sense and faith over blindly to God). I also want to make sure I convey this so that I will NEVER forget how faithful God is, and if I EVER start to doubt or waiver, I can go back to this and remember.
I don't know if the order of operations here is the same for everyone, but this is how total surrender happened for me: 1) I was LISTENING to God...reading, in His word, still, quiet etc. 2) I felt CONVICTED by God to give something up - something I absolutely positively NEVER wanted to give up. 3) I was WILLING to obey, even though I was sick, the timing seemed to really SUCK and again, it was something I did NOT want to do. 4) I TOLD others about what I felt God was convicting me to do, even though I knew they would think I was CRAZY. 5) I PRAYED that God would make a way if this was really what He wanted me to do. 6) I TRUSTED Him to make it work out, even though it seemed impossible. 7) I DID THE WORK that it took to follow through with everything. Even when God parted the Red Sea, the Jewish people had to walk through it, trusting Him - not knowing what would happen, where they would end up or if it would work out. Just as they made it to the other side, I/we did too. We got a home less than a mile from our old house. We have enough room for all of us (tight, yes, but enough). We have a garage (that I can't park in yet but one day...), a deck (that I love to sit on and have quiet time with God), a big back yard (we have a DOG now because of the big fenced yard), we are paying half of what our mortgage was before on a home equity loan that we used to pay off other debt AFTER buying this home outright in cash from the sale of our other home (WHAT?)...no one had to change schools...we didn't end up in a trailer park (which by the way, I was willing to do...not so much the husband). But on the other side of the Red Sea, the Jewish people had 40 years of wandering in the desert before they got to enter the promised land. I'm not saying we're wandering around, but we've had our fair share of issues since moving in. It hasn't all been a cake walk!
Here's something else amazing about all of this. I didn't know at the time that I was going to continue to have health issues for more than a year after this move. I was on short term disability for much of that time, but that only paid 60% of my "base" pay, which was not even close to what I actually made as a home health nurse because I was paid "per visit" and my disability was based on my hourly rate which was significantly less than my per visit rate. All this to say - we would have ended up losing our house. We would have been FORCED to move. We may have either sold it for whatever we could get for it out of desperation, or we would have had it foreclosed on by the bank because we could not have kept up paying the mortgage and all of our other bills with me not working for that long.
I am just in shock tonight about all the ways that God worked in and through this whole situation. I'm in shock that I blindly obeyed Him without having a single clue what the next step would be. I'm in shock that every time I told Him that if this is what He wanted, He would have to make a way - and He DID. I'm in shock that He knew if I didn't obey Him, we would end up losing our home in a very devastating way. It was already hard enough to give up our house in the way we did, but to be forced out would have been so heartbreaking, embarrassing and depressing. I'm just in shock that I was so willing to obey Him that I basically lost my ever loving mind for a time. Finally, I'm shocked that several of my church friends KNEW that I was completely crazy to do what I did...but let me do it anyway, not saying a word about how insane of an idea it was to sell my house without a plan of where we would end up, while I was sick...because they knew if they told me, it might cause me to falter in my obedience. They just sat by, knowing that God is capable of more than we could ever ask or imagine, and watched the whole thing unfold.
God, I can't say that I fully understand You, but I can say that I fully trust You. You are good, You are faithful, You know what's best for me even when it seems completely insane to me (and those around me). You know what I need before I do. You make a way. You part the seas and ask me to walk through and trust You. I don't ever want to forget the way this situation worked out when I completely surrendered to You, Jesus. I don't ever want to lose my blind faith in You. Thank You for being MY Savior and MY King! Praise You now and forever! Amen!
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Suffering, Surrender and Some Surreal Stuff - A Year in Review
It has been over a year since my last blog post. I believe this is my longest stretch of blog silence since I started posting in August 2012. I have some legitimate "excuses" for not posting in so long but also, admittedly, I have been a slacker too. I am going to attempt to summarize the last year as best I can in one post but some of this stuff is worth going into greater detail about, so I guess we'll just see how it goes...
I don't remember much about the end of 2016 and the start to 2017...because most of what I remember started on Monday February 13th when I came home from Bunco and just wasn't feeling well. By morning, I was full on miserable. Knocked on my booty miserable. I could hardly get up to go to the bathroom for the next several days. In fact, I was pretty sick for next several MONTHS. There was never one official diagnosis...but several things one right after another including influenza, mono, and just for fun a stomach infection called h.pylori AND some unexplained abdominal pain for months that culminated with the removal of my Lap Band in July. I had CT scans, ultrasounds, upper and lower GI's, lab draws (too many to count), became a regular at the infectious disease doctor's office, made a few trips to the ER and/or urgent care and spent a LOT of time in bed or in my recliner. By May, I had met my insurance deductible for the year and met my out of pocket maximum shortly after that. Somehow, in the midst of all of this, I also had to deal with filing for FMLA and short term disability, fighting to get it, trying to stay on top of medical bills AND try to be a mom, wife and homemaker...because we ALL know that mom's aren't allowed to get sick and if we do, we can't just lay around and do NOTHING, especially for months on end. Through all of these illnesses, one right after another, I learned a lot. I learned to humble myself and ask for help. I learned to accept help. I gained friendships that I would not have otherwise gained and some grew stronger. I learned a lot about myself and a lot about the people in my life. I learned a greater amount of empathy for others going through similar circumstances and hope that I will know exactly what to do when it's happening to someone else.
In the middle of all of this misery and suffering, I was reading and trying to stay focused on God. It turns out that laying around doing nothing for months leaves a lot of time to be still in His presence and to spend time in His word. I read "Not a Fan" by Kyle Idleman for the 3rd time. This book gets me fired up to truly follow Christ every time I read it. This time was no exception. This time, in the midst of everything I was going through, I strongly felt God telling me it was time to give up something that I have absolutely not wanted to give up and had been resolute for years about...our house. When we bought our house, it was with the intention of living there forever - or at the very least until our kids were done with school. I loved our home and our neighborhood even more. We had recently (finally) painted the white walls with color, gotten some new carpet and appliances and lighting fixtures and we really were enjoying living there more than ever. I did NOT want to move. None of us did. But...I felt very strongly that God was telling me to move, to downsize, to live more simply. I reminded God that I was sick and figured He would let me wait for a while before doing this...but I felt REALLY convicted so I told my husband one night. He about lost his mind. He's the one that had been saying for years that we should move and now that we had finally done some things to the house that we had talked about for a long time, he wasn't about to budge. I told him that I really felt that this is what God was telling me to do. First, he's not a believer...so that really didn't mean anything to him. Secondly, he said that the ONLY way he would even CONSIDER a move is if we got a certain dollar amount for our house. I literally laughed out loud at the figure he said. "There is NO way we'll get that much for this house" I told him. "Well, then we're not moving" he said. So...I had a little chat with God and I basically said to Him that if this is what He really wants me to do then He will have to make it happen. Less than a week after that conversation with my husband, on a Thursday afternoon, I was lying in my bed exhausted and miserable and the doorbell rang. My youngest son went to answer it - I figured it was one of his friends but he came back up and told me that it was some lady and she was asking for a parent. Tired and annoyed, I went downstairs in my PJ's and all disheveled, opened the front door. A realtor was standing there and started talking about how she is working with a couple who is really trying to buy a house in our neighborhood and they have lost out on 2 homes already and she's just knocking on doors on the off chance that maybe someone would be interested in selling. Needless to say, I invited her in, we chatted, I showed her the house (which was a disaster because...hello, I had been sick for over a month by this point) and she asked if I would be willing to let her clients come see the place on Saturday. Well God, I thought, I guess you really do want me to do this...so I called my husband and I told him this has to be God and he said "this isn't God, it's Satan because I don't want to sell our house." Somehow he agreed to show it for the price he mentioned during our initial conversation so the realtor drew up a permission to show with that amount and we spent the next 2 days trying to get the house in semi-show condition. Saturday came and I went over to my friends house 2 doors down to chat with her while these people were looking at my house that wasn't even on the market. They were there for over an hour. By later that evening, we had an offer that I countered...and long story short, we had the opportunity to sell our house for just $2,000 less than the outrageous figure my husband threw out. He STILL didn't want to sell. I again went to God and told Him that if this was His will, He would have to change my husband's mind. Monday night, hubby said yes and the contract was signed. He was certain we wouldn't make it through the inspections and/or the house wouldn't appraise for the sale price. Meanwhile, I started packing our house of almost 16 years. I started selling furniture and donating things we didn't need/use anymore. Everything fell into place. I was certain that we would have to move to a trailer park or some other cheaper area in a different part of town in order to afford something "big enough" for all of us that would fit the bill of downsizing and cutting costs. I was certain my middle school son would end up at a different school and had prepared him for that. But again, by the grace of God, we found a home maybe a mile away from our neighborhood that was still in his current middle school boundary and that we would all fit into and that would save us money. The way that happened is another story in itself!
So we moved into the "new" place a couple weeks after we moved out of the "old" house to allow time for some remodeling (new paint, carpet, flooring, etc) and the daunting task of unpacking was pretty much all mine once again. I did manage to get back to work for a while in the middle of all of this moving business...which felt great while it lasted. Then, after consulting with my Lap Band surgeon, I was down again for a while after having the surgery to remove the band and recover fully. In mid-August I was trying to organize the garage and attempted to hang my husband's set of golf clubs on a nail that was already in the wall. Clearly, I should have checked the nail first to be sure it could handle the load, but alas, it did not and the entire golf bag (with all the clubs in it) came crashing down on my right shoulder. I spent the next few months in pain but I was finally back to work and I just had to deal with it because 1) I knew I couldn't miss MORE work and 2) I knew that eventually I was going to have the "revision" surgery to my Lap Band removal, which is gastric bypass, and would need to be off for another 4 weeks or so for that. So, I'm working and having pretty much constant pain in my right shoulder. I iced it nearly every day and took ibuprofen when I needed to so I could make it through my work day. Since I'm a nurse, I need to be able to physically lift, push/pull etc up to 50lbs per my job description (although there are definitely times where it's been more than 50lbs). Working was really hurting my shoulder and my chiropractor was not able to fix me. I went to see an orthopedic surgeon and, after trying a steroid injection and physical therapy with no relief, I ended up having to schedule surgery as the MRI showed a tear in my labrum (Google SLAP tear). Not the way I wanted to end 2017, but clearly with the way the year had gone, I should not have been terribly surprised. As I am writing this, I am in the recovery process from this surgery - which - thanks be to God, was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. It turns out that I had "partial" tears in the labrum and rotator cuff and some other issues that did not result in needing the arm to be immobilized for 6 weeks as originally thought (or else I would not be able to type this post unless I used the "hunt and peck" method with my left hand, in which case I would likely not complete it until February). Praising God!!
Backing up a bit...I found out in the middle of the night on August 26th that my young cousin (32) had been brutally murdered during the afternoon of the 25th. It turns out, by an ex-boyfriend at his home, where she went to retrieve some of her personal items that he still had. The really crazy thing is that on the 25th, in the morning, I had noticed that she was at the top of my "Facebook" messenger - the ONLY person on there. I had been busy getting ready for work but I remember pausing for a moment just wondering how she was doing. She had gone down a pretty rough path over the past 10 years and had become a drug addict and basically estranged from the family that loved her so much. This news was so devastating...and to find out that she had recently contacted a friend about coming to stay at her rehab facility and seemed like she was really trying to turn her life around...made it that much worse. Then the fact that I saw her on my Messenger and didn't reach out and all the "what if's" that ran through my head if I had only sent her a message that morning to see how she was doing. It is hard to wrap my mind around how someone could take another's life. I prayed that Jesus would receive her and I believe that her heart was good and she is with Him now, free from the addictions and suffering she experienced here. I will miss her forever, but I still believe that God is good and He's not the one that caused her death. He hates to see our suffering just as much as we hate to experience it, if not more.
A couple of days before my scheduled surgery date, I found out that my mother in law was in bed not feeling well. I decided to go over and check on her. I ended up calling 911 because her oxygen was very low and her lungs sounded horrible. I figured in addition to respiratory issues, she was also very likely dehydrated due to effects from the antibiotic she was given at her MD office 2 days prior for what they "guessed" was bronchitis. I can't even begin to describe what took place over those next two weeks...but here's a little summary: she was in ICU, my entire family (besides me) got a stomach bug, I had shoulder surgery, my brother and his family came to town, we had our family Hanukkah party at my sisters house...Christmas came and went...as did my sister in law's 30th birthday while her mother was lying mostly unresponsive in the ICU bed on a breathing machine (over the course of her stay, she was bad, had gotten better, had gotten worse...and then unresponsive and unable to follow commands). The day after Christmas, we had a family meeting with the ICU doctor, Nurse Practitioner and Social Worker. The reality of how sick she was really sunk in when they asked how she would feel about having a tracheotomy and feeding tube...because the breathing tube HAD to come out no later than 14 days after it was put in and that was fast approaching. With her unresponsiveness, there was grave concern that she would be able to breathe on her own and cough up the secretions that they were suctioning via the breathing tube. With my husband and I as her named DPOA's...and with me being the nurse in the family (she was also a nurse), I knew that although she had her wishes written down, this decision would ultimately fall to me and I was feeling pretty overwhelmed. I knew that she didn't ever want to have a trach or a feeding tube - but I also knew she never wanted to be intubated or be on dialysis, both of which she had agreed to do over the past year or so since her last ICU stay. My husband and sister in law and myself all talked everything over. I discussed all possibilities with the doctors...and I hit my knees. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I prayed that God would lead me to make the decision that she would want me to make. I prayed that He would give me a sign so I would know for certain. I prayed and prayed and prayed that she would be able to recover and breathe on her own when they took out the breathing tube. I prayed more than anything else that whatever God deemed to be best for her would be what would happen. I prayed for the best, while trying to prepare for the worst.
My mother in law and I did not start off on the greatest terms 23+ years ago when I started dating her son. As I found out years later, she had determined that she would NOT be nice to his "next" girlfriend no matter what because she had been so nice to "all the others" and then they broke her son's heart. For all the difficulties of the first few years of my relationship with her, she and I ended up becoming pretty close and I truly have grown to love her like a mother and I do believe that she loved me like a daughter. All this to say, she trusted her life to me...and I was feeling so overwhelmed and scared because I wanted to do what she would want me to do. On December 30th, 2017...the day the breathing tube had to come out...we were all to gather in her hospital room to be with her for a while before they took it out and I was the only one that managed to get there early. I called a friend and asked her to pray with me before I went in to be with her. As I sat there, holding her hand, playing Christian music on my phone and just begging God again to let me know that I was making the right decision...she suddenly opened her eyes wide and looked at me. She had opened her eyes before but it was as if she wasn't seeing us. This time, I felt that she could see me and I started to explain what was going on, all that she had been through and about the breathing tube and that it was coming out today and that the doctors asked me about a trach and a feeding tube and - I can't even type this without tears streaming down my face - she gave me this sour look that I've seen so many times before as if to say "are you crazy???" So I told her I didn't think she would want that and I asked her if she would...and she shook her head to tell me "no." That was the first time in her unresponsive state that she had done that. I told her that is what I thought and that is what I told the doctors and that when the breathing tube came out, we would leave her in God's hands and trust her to Him. With that, she relaxed and went right back to sleep...just about a minute before the rest of the family got there (my husband, his sister and our 2 boys). I was standing over her bed holding her hand and crying and told them they would not believe what just happened. A little bit later, they took out the breathing tube. When she started to struggle, we gave the nurse the ok to keep her comfortable. She passed away peacefully with all of us at her bedside 4 hours after they took the tube out. It is still all very raw and very surreal. Although I miss her and I am so sad that she is gone, I know where she is and I know that she is free of pain and suffering and with Jesus. Another amazing God story in all of this is the fact that just a week before I called 911, I had this feeling that my youngest son and I should go visit her after youth group. It was 8:30pm on a school night and I would never just randomly decide to go visit her on a night like this, but obviously God wanted me to go. She was standing at the stove cooking, she was happy and excited about Christmas and having the boys spend the night on Christmas Eve. She had been cleaning the house and decorating for Christmas...it was awesome to see her like that and I'm so grateful that this was my last memory of her before she got sick. Even though my son isn't quite as grateful as I am because he never did get to celebrate Christmas with his Grandmother, I'm certain that one day he will see what a blessing this was.
2017. Literally I think the worst year of my life. Filled with illness, injury, tragedy and death. In all of this...I have suffered. In all of this...I have seen God's hand at work. In all of this...I feel blessed and have a stronger faith than when it all started. In all of this...I am grateful for the suffering because I know that without it, I would not have had this tremendous spiritual growth spurt. I am not afraid to publicly share my faith. Not with strangers, not with friends, not with my family. I am who I am. I believe what I believe. I KNOW the truth and the truth...has set me free. Thanks be to God.
It's taken me several days to get this post written...and today, this was one of my daily devotional readings. Could not be more appropriate, and so I will end with it. And so begins a New Year...
From a devotional titled "Live, Love, Lead" by Brian Houston
“Part 2: A Difficult Path - Navigating Storms”
There are times when the path of life is difficult. We must learn how to navigate the ‘storms’ that come, the process of pain and its role in our progress along the path. I have had to learn to navigate some very forceful storms in my life. It’s probably safe to assume that you have had storms to face as well.
We can take great strength and wisdom by looking at how Jesus handled himself in the midst of suffering. Jesus had the option to take the easy way out and yet he didn’t. That’s worth meditating upon. As a man, Jesus wrestled with what was ahead, which is evident in Matthew 16 when he explained to his disciples the difficult path that awaited him. His response to Peter’s objections reveals something of the intensity he had to engage to continue on and to the cross.
Jesus humiliation, death and victory over death, paved a way for us, enabling us to endure and overcome the trials that we encounter on life’s difficult path.
In John 16:33 Jesus said, I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.] (Amplified Bible)
Unfortunately, everyone faces storms in life. But with God, there is always hope and he does not waste anything when it comes to finding ways to benefit us. Life is a difficult path, but the path keeps going forward. When you face a season filled with pain and heartache, remember to keep moving forward. In order to do so, there will be times when you have to lighten your load so you don’t become ‘stuck’. When you release the baggage of your past, you learn to walk in authenticity and freedom from fear.
In a nutshell, the keys to navigating the storms in your life are: - Keep making right choices - Believe in God’s love for you - Understand that some things take time – it’s a process - Surround yourself with positive support - Stay in God’s Word.
What storms are you currently facing? Are you able to look at them with different ‘eyes’ today? Commit each one of them to Christ afresh this morning, and believe in your heart that He will not only give you wisdom to walk through them, but sustain you as you do.
Prayer: Father, I commit to go the distance with You. I ask for Your grace to carry, empower and sustain me. Where there is life, there is hope and today, my hope is in Jesus.
I don't remember much about the end of 2016 and the start to 2017...because most of what I remember started on Monday February 13th when I came home from Bunco and just wasn't feeling well. By morning, I was full on miserable. Knocked on my booty miserable. I could hardly get up to go to the bathroom for the next several days. In fact, I was pretty sick for next several MONTHS. There was never one official diagnosis...but several things one right after another including influenza, mono, and just for fun a stomach infection called h.pylori AND some unexplained abdominal pain for months that culminated with the removal of my Lap Band in July. I had CT scans, ultrasounds, upper and lower GI's, lab draws (too many to count), became a regular at the infectious disease doctor's office, made a few trips to the ER and/or urgent care and spent a LOT of time in bed or in my recliner. By May, I had met my insurance deductible for the year and met my out of pocket maximum shortly after that. Somehow, in the midst of all of this, I also had to deal with filing for FMLA and short term disability, fighting to get it, trying to stay on top of medical bills AND try to be a mom, wife and homemaker...because we ALL know that mom's aren't allowed to get sick and if we do, we can't just lay around and do NOTHING, especially for months on end. Through all of these illnesses, one right after another, I learned a lot. I learned to humble myself and ask for help. I learned to accept help. I gained friendships that I would not have otherwise gained and some grew stronger. I learned a lot about myself and a lot about the people in my life. I learned a greater amount of empathy for others going through similar circumstances and hope that I will know exactly what to do when it's happening to someone else.
In the middle of all of this misery and suffering, I was reading and trying to stay focused on God. It turns out that laying around doing nothing for months leaves a lot of time to be still in His presence and to spend time in His word. I read "Not a Fan" by Kyle Idleman for the 3rd time. This book gets me fired up to truly follow Christ every time I read it. This time was no exception. This time, in the midst of everything I was going through, I strongly felt God telling me it was time to give up something that I have absolutely not wanted to give up and had been resolute for years about...our house. When we bought our house, it was with the intention of living there forever - or at the very least until our kids were done with school. I loved our home and our neighborhood even more. We had recently (finally) painted the white walls with color, gotten some new carpet and appliances and lighting fixtures and we really were enjoying living there more than ever. I did NOT want to move. None of us did. But...I felt very strongly that God was telling me to move, to downsize, to live more simply. I reminded God that I was sick and figured He would let me wait for a while before doing this...but I felt REALLY convicted so I told my husband one night. He about lost his mind. He's the one that had been saying for years that we should move and now that we had finally done some things to the house that we had talked about for a long time, he wasn't about to budge. I told him that I really felt that this is what God was telling me to do. First, he's not a believer...so that really didn't mean anything to him. Secondly, he said that the ONLY way he would even CONSIDER a move is if we got a certain dollar amount for our house. I literally laughed out loud at the figure he said. "There is NO way we'll get that much for this house" I told him. "Well, then we're not moving" he said. So...I had a little chat with God and I basically said to Him that if this is what He really wants me to do then He will have to make it happen. Less than a week after that conversation with my husband, on a Thursday afternoon, I was lying in my bed exhausted and miserable and the doorbell rang. My youngest son went to answer it - I figured it was one of his friends but he came back up and told me that it was some lady and she was asking for a parent. Tired and annoyed, I went downstairs in my PJ's and all disheveled, opened the front door. A realtor was standing there and started talking about how she is working with a couple who is really trying to buy a house in our neighborhood and they have lost out on 2 homes already and she's just knocking on doors on the off chance that maybe someone would be interested in selling. Needless to say, I invited her in, we chatted, I showed her the house (which was a disaster because...hello, I had been sick for over a month by this point) and she asked if I would be willing to let her clients come see the place on Saturday. Well God, I thought, I guess you really do want me to do this...so I called my husband and I told him this has to be God and he said "this isn't God, it's Satan because I don't want to sell our house." Somehow he agreed to show it for the price he mentioned during our initial conversation so the realtor drew up a permission to show with that amount and we spent the next 2 days trying to get the house in semi-show condition. Saturday came and I went over to my friends house 2 doors down to chat with her while these people were looking at my house that wasn't even on the market. They were there for over an hour. By later that evening, we had an offer that I countered...and long story short, we had the opportunity to sell our house for just $2,000 less than the outrageous figure my husband threw out. He STILL didn't want to sell. I again went to God and told Him that if this was His will, He would have to change my husband's mind. Monday night, hubby said yes and the contract was signed. He was certain we wouldn't make it through the inspections and/or the house wouldn't appraise for the sale price. Meanwhile, I started packing our house of almost 16 years. I started selling furniture and donating things we didn't need/use anymore. Everything fell into place. I was certain that we would have to move to a trailer park or some other cheaper area in a different part of town in order to afford something "big enough" for all of us that would fit the bill of downsizing and cutting costs. I was certain my middle school son would end up at a different school and had prepared him for that. But again, by the grace of God, we found a home maybe a mile away from our neighborhood that was still in his current middle school boundary and that we would all fit into and that would save us money. The way that happened is another story in itself!
So we moved into the "new" place a couple weeks after we moved out of the "old" house to allow time for some remodeling (new paint, carpet, flooring, etc) and the daunting task of unpacking was pretty much all mine once again. I did manage to get back to work for a while in the middle of all of this moving business...which felt great while it lasted. Then, after consulting with my Lap Band surgeon, I was down again for a while after having the surgery to remove the band and recover fully. In mid-August I was trying to organize the garage and attempted to hang my husband's set of golf clubs on a nail that was already in the wall. Clearly, I should have checked the nail first to be sure it could handle the load, but alas, it did not and the entire golf bag (with all the clubs in it) came crashing down on my right shoulder. I spent the next few months in pain but I was finally back to work and I just had to deal with it because 1) I knew I couldn't miss MORE work and 2) I knew that eventually I was going to have the "revision" surgery to my Lap Band removal, which is gastric bypass, and would need to be off for another 4 weeks or so for that. So, I'm working and having pretty much constant pain in my right shoulder. I iced it nearly every day and took ibuprofen when I needed to so I could make it through my work day. Since I'm a nurse, I need to be able to physically lift, push/pull etc up to 50lbs per my job description (although there are definitely times where it's been more than 50lbs). Working was really hurting my shoulder and my chiropractor was not able to fix me. I went to see an orthopedic surgeon and, after trying a steroid injection and physical therapy with no relief, I ended up having to schedule surgery as the MRI showed a tear in my labrum (Google SLAP tear). Not the way I wanted to end 2017, but clearly with the way the year had gone, I should not have been terribly surprised. As I am writing this, I am in the recovery process from this surgery - which - thanks be to God, was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. It turns out that I had "partial" tears in the labrum and rotator cuff and some other issues that did not result in needing the arm to be immobilized for 6 weeks as originally thought (or else I would not be able to type this post unless I used the "hunt and peck" method with my left hand, in which case I would likely not complete it until February). Praising God!!
Backing up a bit...I found out in the middle of the night on August 26th that my young cousin (32) had been brutally murdered during the afternoon of the 25th. It turns out, by an ex-boyfriend at his home, where she went to retrieve some of her personal items that he still had. The really crazy thing is that on the 25th, in the morning, I had noticed that she was at the top of my "Facebook" messenger - the ONLY person on there. I had been busy getting ready for work but I remember pausing for a moment just wondering how she was doing. She had gone down a pretty rough path over the past 10 years and had become a drug addict and basically estranged from the family that loved her so much. This news was so devastating...and to find out that she had recently contacted a friend about coming to stay at her rehab facility and seemed like she was really trying to turn her life around...made it that much worse. Then the fact that I saw her on my Messenger and didn't reach out and all the "what if's" that ran through my head if I had only sent her a message that morning to see how she was doing. It is hard to wrap my mind around how someone could take another's life. I prayed that Jesus would receive her and I believe that her heart was good and she is with Him now, free from the addictions and suffering she experienced here. I will miss her forever, but I still believe that God is good and He's not the one that caused her death. He hates to see our suffering just as much as we hate to experience it, if not more.
A couple of days before my scheduled surgery date, I found out that my mother in law was in bed not feeling well. I decided to go over and check on her. I ended up calling 911 because her oxygen was very low and her lungs sounded horrible. I figured in addition to respiratory issues, she was also very likely dehydrated due to effects from the antibiotic she was given at her MD office 2 days prior for what they "guessed" was bronchitis. I can't even begin to describe what took place over those next two weeks...but here's a little summary: she was in ICU, my entire family (besides me) got a stomach bug, I had shoulder surgery, my brother and his family came to town, we had our family Hanukkah party at my sisters house...Christmas came and went...as did my sister in law's 30th birthday while her mother was lying mostly unresponsive in the ICU bed on a breathing machine (over the course of her stay, she was bad, had gotten better, had gotten worse...and then unresponsive and unable to follow commands). The day after Christmas, we had a family meeting with the ICU doctor, Nurse Practitioner and Social Worker. The reality of how sick she was really sunk in when they asked how she would feel about having a tracheotomy and feeding tube...because the breathing tube HAD to come out no later than 14 days after it was put in and that was fast approaching. With her unresponsiveness, there was grave concern that she would be able to breathe on her own and cough up the secretions that they were suctioning via the breathing tube. With my husband and I as her named DPOA's...and with me being the nurse in the family (she was also a nurse), I knew that although she had her wishes written down, this decision would ultimately fall to me and I was feeling pretty overwhelmed. I knew that she didn't ever want to have a trach or a feeding tube - but I also knew she never wanted to be intubated or be on dialysis, both of which she had agreed to do over the past year or so since her last ICU stay. My husband and sister in law and myself all talked everything over. I discussed all possibilities with the doctors...and I hit my knees. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I prayed that God would lead me to make the decision that she would want me to make. I prayed that He would give me a sign so I would know for certain. I prayed and prayed and prayed that she would be able to recover and breathe on her own when they took out the breathing tube. I prayed more than anything else that whatever God deemed to be best for her would be what would happen. I prayed for the best, while trying to prepare for the worst.
My mother in law and I did not start off on the greatest terms 23+ years ago when I started dating her son. As I found out years later, she had determined that she would NOT be nice to his "next" girlfriend no matter what because she had been so nice to "all the others" and then they broke her son's heart. For all the difficulties of the first few years of my relationship with her, she and I ended up becoming pretty close and I truly have grown to love her like a mother and I do believe that she loved me like a daughter. All this to say, she trusted her life to me...and I was feeling so overwhelmed and scared because I wanted to do what she would want me to do. On December 30th, 2017...the day the breathing tube had to come out...we were all to gather in her hospital room to be with her for a while before they took it out and I was the only one that managed to get there early. I called a friend and asked her to pray with me before I went in to be with her. As I sat there, holding her hand, playing Christian music on my phone and just begging God again to let me know that I was making the right decision...she suddenly opened her eyes wide and looked at me. She had opened her eyes before but it was as if she wasn't seeing us. This time, I felt that she could see me and I started to explain what was going on, all that she had been through and about the breathing tube and that it was coming out today and that the doctors asked me about a trach and a feeding tube and - I can't even type this without tears streaming down my face - she gave me this sour look that I've seen so many times before as if to say "are you crazy???" So I told her I didn't think she would want that and I asked her if she would...and she shook her head to tell me "no." That was the first time in her unresponsive state that she had done that. I told her that is what I thought and that is what I told the doctors and that when the breathing tube came out, we would leave her in God's hands and trust her to Him. With that, she relaxed and went right back to sleep...just about a minute before the rest of the family got there (my husband, his sister and our 2 boys). I was standing over her bed holding her hand and crying and told them they would not believe what just happened. A little bit later, they took out the breathing tube. When she started to struggle, we gave the nurse the ok to keep her comfortable. She passed away peacefully with all of us at her bedside 4 hours after they took the tube out. It is still all very raw and very surreal. Although I miss her and I am so sad that she is gone, I know where she is and I know that she is free of pain and suffering and with Jesus. Another amazing God story in all of this is the fact that just a week before I called 911, I had this feeling that my youngest son and I should go visit her after youth group. It was 8:30pm on a school night and I would never just randomly decide to go visit her on a night like this, but obviously God wanted me to go. She was standing at the stove cooking, she was happy and excited about Christmas and having the boys spend the night on Christmas Eve. She had been cleaning the house and decorating for Christmas...it was awesome to see her like that and I'm so grateful that this was my last memory of her before she got sick. Even though my son isn't quite as grateful as I am because he never did get to celebrate Christmas with his Grandmother, I'm certain that one day he will see what a blessing this was.
2017. Literally I think the worst year of my life. Filled with illness, injury, tragedy and death. In all of this...I have suffered. In all of this...I have seen God's hand at work. In all of this...I feel blessed and have a stronger faith than when it all started. In all of this...I am grateful for the suffering because I know that without it, I would not have had this tremendous spiritual growth spurt. I am not afraid to publicly share my faith. Not with strangers, not with friends, not with my family. I am who I am. I believe what I believe. I KNOW the truth and the truth...has set me free. Thanks be to God.
It's taken me several days to get this post written...and today, this was one of my daily devotional readings. Could not be more appropriate, and so I will end with it. And so begins a New Year...
From a devotional titled "Live, Love, Lead" by Brian Houston
“Part 2: A Difficult Path - Navigating Storms”
There are times when the path of life is difficult. We must learn how to navigate the ‘storms’ that come, the process of pain and its role in our progress along the path. I have had to learn to navigate some very forceful storms in my life. It’s probably safe to assume that you have had storms to face as well.
We can take great strength and wisdom by looking at how Jesus handled himself in the midst of suffering. Jesus had the option to take the easy way out and yet he didn’t. That’s worth meditating upon. As a man, Jesus wrestled with what was ahead, which is evident in Matthew 16 when he explained to his disciples the difficult path that awaited him. His response to Peter’s objections reveals something of the intensity he had to engage to continue on and to the cross.
Jesus humiliation, death and victory over death, paved a way for us, enabling us to endure and overcome the trials that we encounter on life’s difficult path.
In John 16:33 Jesus said, I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.] (Amplified Bible)
Unfortunately, everyone faces storms in life. But with God, there is always hope and he does not waste anything when it comes to finding ways to benefit us. Life is a difficult path, but the path keeps going forward. When you face a season filled with pain and heartache, remember to keep moving forward. In order to do so, there will be times when you have to lighten your load so you don’t become ‘stuck’. When you release the baggage of your past, you learn to walk in authenticity and freedom from fear.
In a nutshell, the keys to navigating the storms in your life are: - Keep making right choices - Believe in God’s love for you - Understand that some things take time – it’s a process - Surround yourself with positive support - Stay in God’s Word.
What storms are you currently facing? Are you able to look at them with different ‘eyes’ today? Commit each one of them to Christ afresh this morning, and believe in your heart that He will not only give you wisdom to walk through them, but sustain you as you do.
Prayer: Father, I commit to go the distance with You. I ask for Your grace to carry, empower and sustain me. Where there is life, there is hope and today, my hope is in Jesus.
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Fear VS Faith
Do you ever wonder why there are so many people who live in fear? I mean almost a constant state of fear, a paralyzing fear. There are some who refuse to leave their homes, some who prepare extravagant bunkers and stock them with food, weapons and everything they will think they will need in case of war. There have been people driven to fear of walking into a school or a movie theater or running in a marathon because people have gone in and gunned down or bombed innocent people doing ordinary things. It seems like fear has taken more and more of a grip on our world especially in recent years. It seems like the more bad things we see in the news, the more widespread fear becomes. The thing that has really been upsetting to me is that we have allowed fear to keep us from being kind. We are afraid to help people we see in need because we are afraid they might hurt us or worse. So we look the other way when we see a homeless person on the street begging. We zoom on by when we see a car stranded on the side of the road. We pretend we don't see the scraggly looking guy counting his change at the coffee shop to see if he can buy a "medium" this time. A desperate looking woman hauling a suitcase down her poor neighborhood road on a cold winter day doesn't get a second thought.
God tells us over and over and over again in His word that we are not to fear! Yet we do. Why? Do we have so little faith in Him that we allow fear to overwhelm what He has done and can do? When Jesus called Peter out of the boat onto the water, Peter got right out and started to walk on the water, until he allowed his fear to overwhelm his faith, and then down he went (Ref Matthew 14). Many stories in the Bible remind us of those who had enough faith to not allow fear to overwhelm them. The only fear they had was the healthy fear of their God. Here are some reminders of those stories...
Abraham did not fear sacrificing his own son Isaac because of his faith and obedience (Ref: Genesis 22). David, who was small and weak, did not fear fighting a giant named Goliath because his faith was in God alone (Ref: 1 Samuel). Noah did not fear the mockery of the people for building the Ark that God asked him to build when there was no sign of rain (Ref: Genesis 5). Joseph did not fear when he was imprisoned in Egypt after being sold into slavery by his brothers (Ref: Genesis 37). Moses did not fear Pharaoh when he asked him over and over to let his people go, because he trusted God had a plan (Ref: Exodus 5-11). Paul did not fear being imprisoned and beaten for sharing his faith (Ref: Acts 16). Jesus did not fear death on a cross, taking on the sins of the world...because He KNEW He would be resurrected and He trusted His Father (Ref Mark 15).
I am learning that truly having faith in God leaves little room for fear. Allowing fear to keep us from doing all that God has planned for our lives, to keep us from being obedient to His will and His voice...it's the same as showing God and others that we really do not have the faith we claim to have. This is not to say that we shouldn't be smart and prudent. The Bible also warns us to be alert. It warns us that the devil prowls around looking for someone to devour (Ref 1 Peter 5). I also should note that there are those with mental illness who have anxiety and fears that are difficult to overcome. We should pray for those who are unable to choose faith over fear and they can and should seek professional counseling and sometimes medication to work through these very real issues. But most of us do have a choice. We can allow fear to keep us from being who we were created to be, or we can allow our faith to show the world that we are set apart to be God's Holy people. That we who follow Jesus do more than just bow down to a God that cannot be seen and cannot be heard. That our faith is so strong that we are willing to lay down our lives like so many before us have in order that more may be saved. That is what we are called to do. This is why a Jewish man named Saul so radically changed his life and spent the rest of it preaching about Jesus to as many people as he could without fear, despite all of the harm, oppression, imprisonment and eventual brutal death he faced in doing so. Most of us will never have to face the kind of persecution Paul and so many other Christ followers have had to face. Most of us only need to look into the eyes of a homeless man on the street, ask his name, give him a blanket or a meal, pray for him...or stop to help a stranded woman on the side of the road...or buy the man scrounging change together at the coffee shop a hot meal and a large coffee...or giving a desperate looking girl walking down the middle of the street with a suitcase in the cold a ride to a better life. Some may think we are crazy, putting ourselves in danger, thinking we are being selfish for putting ourselves or others in possible harms way. But Jesus says we are to treat our neighbors as ourselves. We are to pray for those who persecute us. That if someone slaps us on the cheek, we are to turn and offer them the other cheek. That we are NOT TO FEAR. Even David, before Jesus walked the earth, realized that if he could trust in God to keep His promises, then what could mere mortals do to him (Ref Psalm 56)? As Paul says in his letter to the Philippians, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain" (Ref Phil 1:21 NIV). As I am learning to lay aside my fears and trust God, I'm realizing more and more what Paul meant by that statement. Living for Christ on this earth and following His example is what I want to do and if I die doing that, then I gain eternity with Him. So what do I have to lose? What do I have to fear? In the words of Martin Luther King Jr, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself."
Lord I thank you for opening my eyes over the past few weeks to see people in need and allowing me to put fear aside to help them in some small way. I know others have seen my actions as dangerous or crazy and some have seen them as ways to call attention to myself. I pray you will help to keep my eyes open, my heart humble, my attitude sincere. I pray that You will continue to show me the ways that You would use me to be Your hands and feet in my community. I pray that You would open the eyes of others, those who believe in You and those who do not. That You would show them that You are true to Your word, that You keep Your promises, that having faith in You alone means that they do not need to fear. I pray that You will show the world what it means to treat their neighbor as themselves by working in the hearts of one believer at a time and allowing others to see faith and light without fear in action. Thank You for working in me and helping me to overcome my own fears so that I may participate in Your restoration story. Thank You Jesus for showing me love and mercy and grace, leading by example so I can show those things to others. Amen.
God tells us over and over and over again in His word that we are not to fear! Yet we do. Why? Do we have so little faith in Him that we allow fear to overwhelm what He has done and can do? When Jesus called Peter out of the boat onto the water, Peter got right out and started to walk on the water, until he allowed his fear to overwhelm his faith, and then down he went (Ref Matthew 14). Many stories in the Bible remind us of those who had enough faith to not allow fear to overwhelm them. The only fear they had was the healthy fear of their God. Here are some reminders of those stories...
Abraham did not fear sacrificing his own son Isaac because of his faith and obedience (Ref: Genesis 22). David, who was small and weak, did not fear fighting a giant named Goliath because his faith was in God alone (Ref: 1 Samuel). Noah did not fear the mockery of the people for building the Ark that God asked him to build when there was no sign of rain (Ref: Genesis 5). Joseph did not fear when he was imprisoned in Egypt after being sold into slavery by his brothers (Ref: Genesis 37). Moses did not fear Pharaoh when he asked him over and over to let his people go, because he trusted God had a plan (Ref: Exodus 5-11). Paul did not fear being imprisoned and beaten for sharing his faith (Ref: Acts 16). Jesus did not fear death on a cross, taking on the sins of the world...because He KNEW He would be resurrected and He trusted His Father (Ref Mark 15).
I am learning that truly having faith in God leaves little room for fear. Allowing fear to keep us from doing all that God has planned for our lives, to keep us from being obedient to His will and His voice...it's the same as showing God and others that we really do not have the faith we claim to have. This is not to say that we shouldn't be smart and prudent. The Bible also warns us to be alert. It warns us that the devil prowls around looking for someone to devour (Ref 1 Peter 5). I also should note that there are those with mental illness who have anxiety and fears that are difficult to overcome. We should pray for those who are unable to choose faith over fear and they can and should seek professional counseling and sometimes medication to work through these very real issues. But most of us do have a choice. We can allow fear to keep us from being who we were created to be, or we can allow our faith to show the world that we are set apart to be God's Holy people. That we who follow Jesus do more than just bow down to a God that cannot be seen and cannot be heard. That our faith is so strong that we are willing to lay down our lives like so many before us have in order that more may be saved. That is what we are called to do. This is why a Jewish man named Saul so radically changed his life and spent the rest of it preaching about Jesus to as many people as he could without fear, despite all of the harm, oppression, imprisonment and eventual brutal death he faced in doing so. Most of us will never have to face the kind of persecution Paul and so many other Christ followers have had to face. Most of us only need to look into the eyes of a homeless man on the street, ask his name, give him a blanket or a meal, pray for him...or stop to help a stranded woman on the side of the road...or buy the man scrounging change together at the coffee shop a hot meal and a large coffee...or giving a desperate looking girl walking down the middle of the street with a suitcase in the cold a ride to a better life. Some may think we are crazy, putting ourselves in danger, thinking we are being selfish for putting ourselves or others in possible harms way. But Jesus says we are to treat our neighbors as ourselves. We are to pray for those who persecute us. That if someone slaps us on the cheek, we are to turn and offer them the other cheek. That we are NOT TO FEAR. Even David, before Jesus walked the earth, realized that if he could trust in God to keep His promises, then what could mere mortals do to him (Ref Psalm 56)? As Paul says in his letter to the Philippians, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain" (Ref Phil 1:21 NIV). As I am learning to lay aside my fears and trust God, I'm realizing more and more what Paul meant by that statement. Living for Christ on this earth and following His example is what I want to do and if I die doing that, then I gain eternity with Him. So what do I have to lose? What do I have to fear? In the words of Martin Luther King Jr, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself."
Lord I thank you for opening my eyes over the past few weeks to see people in need and allowing me to put fear aside to help them in some small way. I know others have seen my actions as dangerous or crazy and some have seen them as ways to call attention to myself. I pray you will help to keep my eyes open, my heart humble, my attitude sincere. I pray that You will continue to show me the ways that You would use me to be Your hands and feet in my community. I pray that You would open the eyes of others, those who believe in You and those who do not. That You would show them that You are true to Your word, that You keep Your promises, that having faith in You alone means that they do not need to fear. I pray that You will show the world what it means to treat their neighbor as themselves by working in the hearts of one believer at a time and allowing others to see faith and light without fear in action. Thank You for working in me and helping me to overcome my own fears so that I may participate in Your restoration story. Thank You Jesus for showing me love and mercy and grace, leading by example so I can show those things to others. Amen.
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
Does God Heal???
This was the topic of the Alpha class at church last week. The question really was does God still heal today? We know that when Jesus walked the earth, He healed. There are several eye witness accounts in the Gospels of Jesus healing the sick, causing the blind to see, raising people from the dead (including Himself, of course). Just to refresh the memory of those who have already read the New Testament and to give those that haven't some really cool references, here's a couple of examples of Jesus' healing:
1 As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. 2 “Rabbi,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?”
3 “It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him. 4 We must quickly carry out the tasks assigned us by the one who sent us.[a] The night is coming, and then no one can work. 5 But while I am here in the world, I am the light of the world.”
6 Then he spit on the ground, made mud with the saliva, and spread the mud over the blind man’s eyes. 7 He told him, “Go wash yourself in the pool of Siloam” (Siloam means “sent”). So the man went and washed and came back seeing! John 9:1-7, NLT
25 A woman in the crowd had suffered for twelve years with constant bleeding. 26 She had suffered a great deal from many doctors, and over the years she had spent everything she had to pay them, but she had gotten no better. In fact, she had gotten worse. 27 She had heard about Jesus, so she came up behind him through the crowd and touched his robe. 28 For she thought to herself, “If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed.” 29 Immediately the bleeding stopped, and she could feel in her body that she had been healed of her terrible condition.
30 Jesus realized at once that healing power had gone out from him, so he turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my robe?” Mark 5:25-20, NLT
11 Soon afterward Jesus went with his disciples to the village of Nain, and a large crowd followed him. 12 A funeral procession was coming out as he approached the village gate. The young man who had died was a widow’s only son, and a large crowd from the village was with her. 13 When the Lord saw her, his heart overflowed with compassion. “Don’t cry!” he said. 14 Then he walked over to the coffin and touched it, and the bearers stopped. “Young man,” he said, “I tell you, get up.” 15 Then the dead boy sat up and began to talk! And Jesus gave him back to his mother. Luke 7:11-15, NLT
30 A vast crowd brought to him people who were lame, blind, crippled, those who couldn’t speak, and many others. They laid them before Jesus, and he healed them all. Matthew 15:30, NLT
Ok so there's a lot of evidence that Jesus healed in the past, when he was living as a human. What about now? In the Alpha video we watched, we heard several testimonies from people of different backgrounds who say God has healed them...from addictions, from evil behavior, from illness. The healing they experienced changed their lives. Maybe you know someone who was healed and they swear it was God who healed them. Maybe you know someone who prayed for healing but did not receive healing. No one can understand God's ways for they are so much higher than our ways. But I believe He does still heal today, even with all of the illness, disease, death and destruction going on in the world. I know this not just because I believe in Jesus of the Bible. I know this, because I actually have experienced it myself. I have eluded to some emotional healing that I have experienced, which I have and it's been awesome, but hard to "prove" really in a tangible way. But, I have a story that I didn't realize maybe how powerful it was until after the Alpha class last week when the Pastor asked if any of us had been healed. I want to share it, because for one thing, it is awesome and amazing and for another thing, I believe it can bring hope to others (the 1 or 2 of you who read this blog, anyway).
About 7 1/2 years ago, I was towards the end of my 1st year of nursing school. I had experienced some right hip and low back pain and my doctor ordered a low back x-ray. On the x-ray, they saw something that didn't belong. She ordered an MRI to investigate further. I was told I had some type of tumor in my retro peritoneal cavity (this is an area that's outside the abdominal organs). I was told that I would need to have surgery to determine whether it was malignant or benign and then next steps. Not really part of the low back / right hip pain situation but something a little extra that needed to be dealt with. It's like when you bring your car in for an oil change and they tell you that you need something else done that will cost about a million dollars and take a week to fix. Anyway, I decided to wait until summer for the surgery because I couldn't miss out on nursing school. I was in pre-op and got my IV put in and was waiting for the surgeon to come in. At my initial office visit with her, she thought they would just look laproscopically (a few poke holes in my abdomen) and may not need to cut me open. However, after reviewing the MRI again prior to surgery, she came in to talk to me with a worried look on her face. My husband and a very good friend from school were with me and she told me that after reviewing the MRI, she realized that this was a much larger tumor than she initially thought. She referred to it as a "kickball" size. She consulted with another surgeon who agreed and she had asked this surgeon to accompany her in the operating room because this was going to be a much more complicated surgery now. She told me that they would give me an epidural in the OR to help with pain management afterwards because they were going to have to make a very large vertical incision down the middle of my abdomen. The only thing I was really concerned about was that I had to be healed in time for my 2nd year of nursing school and that if I was going to have that type of incision, I wouldn't be. Then I wouldn't be able to do clinicals and if I couldn't do clinicals then I couldn't finish nursing school (at least not as scheduled). The surgeon said they would poke the holes and insert the camera first to see what they were dealing with, then make the long incision so they could carefully remove the tumor. I just looked at her, tried to be calm and said "you gotta do what you gotta do." Then my friend, who is a Christian, laid her hand on my abdomen, closed her eyes, and prayed very seriously that this tumor would end up being just a small little nothing and that they wouldn't have to cut me open. I just remember looking at her and saying out loud, "girl, it is what it is, they saw it on the MRI." I was grateful that she prayed for me, but I didn't believe for one second that this kickball sized tumor would suddenly shrink and be nothing by the time they looked inside. I did believe in God back then but didn't believe in Jesus yet. I totally thought she was crazy for praying for that. I remember this like it was yesterday. Fast forward to the recovery room. I slowly start to wake up and am fully expecting to be in a lot of pain and have this huge incision and not be able to finish nursing school that year...and the nurse looked at me and realizing I was waking up, he said "you are not going to believe this." He told me that the surgeons went in to look with the camera, they saw a "baseball sized" tumor, one of the instruments poked it, and it burst - it was a cyst that they were able to vacuum out with their instruments and they never had to cut me open. He said that the surgeons looked at each other in amazement and literally high fived each other right there in the operating room. They could not believe what they saw!! I went for my 2 week follow up to see the surgeon and she walked in the room and says "how's my miracle patient?" She even gave me a picture of my baseball sized cyst.
I truly didn't get the enormity of this situation until a few years later when I had become a believer and I was standing in my kitchen and it hit me that my friends prayer...was exactly what happened. God healed me. She really believed what she was praying for. God heard. He healed. I was able to finish nursing school and about 2 months into that 2nd year, my husband lost his job. He was able to keep insurance through the extended and affordable COBRA program thanks to President Obama signing a bill for those who had been laid off that year. His insurance literally carried us through until I graduated, got a job and got health insurance through my work. It was meant to be for me to finish nursing school that year. God had a plan and a purpose. I'm in awe that the God that created the universe and everything in it would actually care so intimately about me that He would reduce this "kickball sized" tumor to a "baseball sized" cyst so that I could finish nursing school and do the job that I truly believe He ordained for me. So to answer the question "Does God Heal???" I say YES. I know that there are many people that He doesn't heal. And I know that it's so hard to understand that. I believe that we are all healed eventually, either on this side or on the other side. I believe that He is WITH us through all of the pain and suffering we endure on this side of eternity. I believe that we can lead others to Christ in the way we endure through the many trials that we are put through on this earth, not that we are enduring on our own, but through the healing power of God who dwells in us and is ALWAYS with us. He who Himself came to earth and suffered as we do so He truly understands what it's like. He doesn't want us to suffer, He doesn't like it when we are in pain or sick. His plan is total restoration and we are a part of that plan. I'm beyond blessed that I get to be a nurse so I can help to heal others and that I get to be part of His restoration plan.
Lord I thank you for the gift of healing. You heal hearts, minds, spirits and bodies. You heal in Your ways, in Your time and we don't always understand why or how or when. It is not our job to understand. It's our job to trust and to believe and to have faith in Your ultimate sovereignty. It is our job to show the world that we respond in a different way to suffering, death and destruction because our hope is in You and not in this life. We have an eternal perspective and we KNOW that we will live with YOU forever in harmony and in perfect peace, despite what this world throws our way. That belief is how we make it through. Thank you Jesus for showing us the way, the truth and the life. Amen.
1 As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. 2 “Rabbi,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?”
3 “It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him. 4 We must quickly carry out the tasks assigned us by the one who sent us.[a] The night is coming, and then no one can work. 5 But while I am here in the world, I am the light of the world.”
6 Then he spit on the ground, made mud with the saliva, and spread the mud over the blind man’s eyes. 7 He told him, “Go wash yourself in the pool of Siloam” (Siloam means “sent”). So the man went and washed and came back seeing! John 9:1-7, NLT
25 A woman in the crowd had suffered for twelve years with constant bleeding. 26 She had suffered a great deal from many doctors, and over the years she had spent everything she had to pay them, but she had gotten no better. In fact, she had gotten worse. 27 She had heard about Jesus, so she came up behind him through the crowd and touched his robe. 28 For she thought to herself, “If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed.” 29 Immediately the bleeding stopped, and she could feel in her body that she had been healed of her terrible condition.
30 Jesus realized at once that healing power had gone out from him, so he turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my robe?” Mark 5:25-20, NLT
11 Soon afterward Jesus went with his disciples to the village of Nain, and a large crowd followed him. 12 A funeral procession was coming out as he approached the village gate. The young man who had died was a widow’s only son, and a large crowd from the village was with her. 13 When the Lord saw her, his heart overflowed with compassion. “Don’t cry!” he said. 14 Then he walked over to the coffin and touched it, and the bearers stopped. “Young man,” he said, “I tell you, get up.” 15 Then the dead boy sat up and began to talk! And Jesus gave him back to his mother. Luke 7:11-15, NLT
30 A vast crowd brought to him people who were lame, blind, crippled, those who couldn’t speak, and many others. They laid them before Jesus, and he healed them all. Matthew 15:30, NLT
Ok so there's a lot of evidence that Jesus healed in the past, when he was living as a human. What about now? In the Alpha video we watched, we heard several testimonies from people of different backgrounds who say God has healed them...from addictions, from evil behavior, from illness. The healing they experienced changed their lives. Maybe you know someone who was healed and they swear it was God who healed them. Maybe you know someone who prayed for healing but did not receive healing. No one can understand God's ways for they are so much higher than our ways. But I believe He does still heal today, even with all of the illness, disease, death and destruction going on in the world. I know this not just because I believe in Jesus of the Bible. I know this, because I actually have experienced it myself. I have eluded to some emotional healing that I have experienced, which I have and it's been awesome, but hard to "prove" really in a tangible way. But, I have a story that I didn't realize maybe how powerful it was until after the Alpha class last week when the Pastor asked if any of us had been healed. I want to share it, because for one thing, it is awesome and amazing and for another thing, I believe it can bring hope to others (the 1 or 2 of you who read this blog, anyway).
About 7 1/2 years ago, I was towards the end of my 1st year of nursing school. I had experienced some right hip and low back pain and my doctor ordered a low back x-ray. On the x-ray, they saw something that didn't belong. She ordered an MRI to investigate further. I was told I had some type of tumor in my retro peritoneal cavity (this is an area that's outside the abdominal organs). I was told that I would need to have surgery to determine whether it was malignant or benign and then next steps. Not really part of the low back / right hip pain situation but something a little extra that needed to be dealt with. It's like when you bring your car in for an oil change and they tell you that you need something else done that will cost about a million dollars and take a week to fix. Anyway, I decided to wait until summer for the surgery because I couldn't miss out on nursing school. I was in pre-op and got my IV put in and was waiting for the surgeon to come in. At my initial office visit with her, she thought they would just look laproscopically (a few poke holes in my abdomen) and may not need to cut me open. However, after reviewing the MRI again prior to surgery, she came in to talk to me with a worried look on her face. My husband and a very good friend from school were with me and she told me that after reviewing the MRI, she realized that this was a much larger tumor than she initially thought. She referred to it as a "kickball" size. She consulted with another surgeon who agreed and she had asked this surgeon to accompany her in the operating room because this was going to be a much more complicated surgery now. She told me that they would give me an epidural in the OR to help with pain management afterwards because they were going to have to make a very large vertical incision down the middle of my abdomen. The only thing I was really concerned about was that I had to be healed in time for my 2nd year of nursing school and that if I was going to have that type of incision, I wouldn't be. Then I wouldn't be able to do clinicals and if I couldn't do clinicals then I couldn't finish nursing school (at least not as scheduled). The surgeon said they would poke the holes and insert the camera first to see what they were dealing with, then make the long incision so they could carefully remove the tumor. I just looked at her, tried to be calm and said "you gotta do what you gotta do." Then my friend, who is a Christian, laid her hand on my abdomen, closed her eyes, and prayed very seriously that this tumor would end up being just a small little nothing and that they wouldn't have to cut me open. I just remember looking at her and saying out loud, "girl, it is what it is, they saw it on the MRI." I was grateful that she prayed for me, but I didn't believe for one second that this kickball sized tumor would suddenly shrink and be nothing by the time they looked inside. I did believe in God back then but didn't believe in Jesus yet. I totally thought she was crazy for praying for that. I remember this like it was yesterday. Fast forward to the recovery room. I slowly start to wake up and am fully expecting to be in a lot of pain and have this huge incision and not be able to finish nursing school that year...and the nurse looked at me and realizing I was waking up, he said "you are not going to believe this." He told me that the surgeons went in to look with the camera, they saw a "baseball sized" tumor, one of the instruments poked it, and it burst - it was a cyst that they were able to vacuum out with their instruments and they never had to cut me open. He said that the surgeons looked at each other in amazement and literally high fived each other right there in the operating room. They could not believe what they saw!! I went for my 2 week follow up to see the surgeon and she walked in the room and says "how's my miracle patient?" She even gave me a picture of my baseball sized cyst.
I truly didn't get the enormity of this situation until a few years later when I had become a believer and I was standing in my kitchen and it hit me that my friends prayer...was exactly what happened. God healed me. She really believed what she was praying for. God heard. He healed. I was able to finish nursing school and about 2 months into that 2nd year, my husband lost his job. He was able to keep insurance through the extended and affordable COBRA program thanks to President Obama signing a bill for those who had been laid off that year. His insurance literally carried us through until I graduated, got a job and got health insurance through my work. It was meant to be for me to finish nursing school that year. God had a plan and a purpose. I'm in awe that the God that created the universe and everything in it would actually care so intimately about me that He would reduce this "kickball sized" tumor to a "baseball sized" cyst so that I could finish nursing school and do the job that I truly believe He ordained for me. So to answer the question "Does God Heal???" I say YES. I know that there are many people that He doesn't heal. And I know that it's so hard to understand that. I believe that we are all healed eventually, either on this side or on the other side. I believe that He is WITH us through all of the pain and suffering we endure on this side of eternity. I believe that we can lead others to Christ in the way we endure through the many trials that we are put through on this earth, not that we are enduring on our own, but through the healing power of God who dwells in us and is ALWAYS with us. He who Himself came to earth and suffered as we do so He truly understands what it's like. He doesn't want us to suffer, He doesn't like it when we are in pain or sick. His plan is total restoration and we are a part of that plan. I'm beyond blessed that I get to be a nurse so I can help to heal others and that I get to be part of His restoration plan.
Lord I thank you for the gift of healing. You heal hearts, minds, spirits and bodies. You heal in Your ways, in Your time and we don't always understand why or how or when. It is not our job to understand. It's our job to trust and to believe and to have faith in Your ultimate sovereignty. It is our job to show the world that we respond in a different way to suffering, death and destruction because our hope is in You and not in this life. We have an eternal perspective and we KNOW that we will live with YOU forever in harmony and in perfect peace, despite what this world throws our way. That belief is how we make it through. Thank you Jesus for showing us the way, the truth and the life. Amen.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
The Trinity
This concept of the Trinity has been on my heart for a while. I keep getting these little reinforcements from God that it's something I should be writing about. So...here I go. No real clue where this will go but then again, most of my posts start out with something on my heart and then I just start typing and see where the Spirit takes me.
Growing up Jewish, one of the most frequently recited prayers, if not THE most frequently recited, is the Shema, which can be found in Deuteronomy 6:4. In Hebrew, it is "Shema Yisroel Adonoi Eloheinu Adonoi Echad" which in English means "Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one." The idea of the LORD being ONE is the premise of the rejection by most of the Jewish people of the "Trinity" because if God is ONE, then how can God be THREE? I know I have referenced this in one of my very first posts, but in Genesis 1:26, God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us." So, it's a little confusing. Is God ONE or is God THREE? The answer (drum roll please) is YES. Both are true. Ummm. How?
Ok, here goes my crazy mind, and I have no clue where this will go or if it will make any sense to anyone other than myself (chances are, it won't even make sense to myself). God is about love and about relationship. He made it clear that He wanted to create Man in His/Our image and He also made it very clear that Man needed Woman because Man alone or Man with just all the animals wasn't going to work. God made several attempts to "relate" to us humans, the ones He created in His image. He used angels, a burning bush, a cloud, a formless voice, prophets, signs and wonders...all to try to get us to understand who He is and what He wants us to do and how He wants us to be. The problem is/was that the people would believe it one minute, and forget about it the next. The communication was basically like this: God - "10 commandments, here they are, follow them." People - "Umm, this is good stuff but we don't think you get how hard this is to actually follow." God - "Follow them or suffer the consequences, not only you, but generations after you." People - "Yes, Lord, we will follow and do what you say" (they would for a while, then totally went crazy and stopped for a while, then things got really bad and would turn back to God and follow again...and over and over and over like this for a really long time). God - "I'm just kind of done with this nonsense, you people just aren't getting it." Pause (400 years of silence)...Then Jesus is born.
Jesus. The Son of God...and GOD. Huh? Confusing? Yep. Here's what happened. God humbled Himself to BECOME one of us so that we could have an actual person to see, touch, hear and observe. He literally took on the form of a human being, emptied Himself of His divinity, faced all of the temptations, emotions and atrocities that humans face...to give us a tangible way to understand Him, relate to Him, relate to God through Him and to teach us about LOVE/Relationship. He showed us the PERSON of God, who existed with God before the earth was created. I know, it sounds so crazy. But it makes complete sense. God was having a really hard time getting us to understand Him, and we kept turning our backs on Him and He just kept getting irritated with us because we just weren't getting it. We didn't get Him and He didn't get us. So He showed up in human form and experienced what we experienced so He could better understand us and so that we could better understand Him. It's seriously the coolest and most loving thing He could have ever done. He showed us the relationship that He had and that He wanted us to have with Him and with each other. But He couldn't just stay here forever, as a human. For one thing, all human beings do eventually die (reference the fall). For another thing, He also came to be a sacrifice so that we would be able to experience God the way He did. Jesus and God were like the ultimate BFF's. They were so tight, and God wanted us to be "tight" with Him as well. But we were/are total sinners and there is no way for us to be perfect no matter how hard we try, and in order for God to be able to handle this about us and for us to be able to still have a relationship with God, there had to be a sacrifice. If you want to read up all about sacrifice, check out Leviticus and you will find out exactly what you would have had to offer for a particular situation or circumstance in order for God to forgive you back in the day. In order for us to be made right with God, Jesus became the ultimate sacrifice for us. It was prophesied long before He walked the earth and it was the way for us to be reconciled to God, but when Jesus died, how would people in generations to come know and believe in God? The PERSON was dead, and even though He rose from the dead and was seen by several hundred people before ascending into Heaven to sit with God, we wouldn't see Him again for a REALLY long time (no one really knows when). Enter the Holy Spirit.
Ok we have God, we have Jesus (who is also God) and we have the Holy Spirit. What in the what? What does that even mean? Holy Spirit? Some kind of ghost? Like just randomly hanging around in and among us? How is this even remotely possible? This just sounds so wacky. Actually, there's a lot of mention of the "Spirit" in the Old Testament, so it shouldn't be a completely foreign concept when we get to the Jesus part of the story. The Spirit is mentioned so many times in the Old Testament, that it would be another long blog post to discuss. I'm going to add in a link to a website that will address the Spirit in the Old Testament far better than I could:
https://bible.org/seriespage/2-putting-pentecost-perspective-part-1-holy-spirit-old-testament-acts-21-13
Basically, the Holy Spirit is a promise from God (the Father and the Son). It's a promise that we will always have guidance, love, relationship and wisdom that lives in us and is with us, going before and following us everywhere and in everything. It's the way that we can actually become the people that God created us to be (remember, in HIS image). This is a free gift that we can take or reject. The Spirit is always working. When you are driving down the street and see a homeless man and feel this nudge to give him something, that's the Spirit. When you are praying to God to get rid of bitterness in your heart, it's the Spirit that makes that happen. When you feel "called" into a particular career that you know didn't come from your brain, that's the Spirit pushing you there. When someone comes to your mind and you can't stop thinking about them and are prompted to reach out (call, text, visit), that is the Spirit. When you have convictions of "right" and "wrong," that's the Spirit trying to lead you down the "right" path. We can choose to ignore the promptings of the Spirit. Many of us do ignore...and it's really sad because in the end, we are the ones that are missing out on the most amazing gift. The divine dance. The Trinity has this incredible relationship that is strong and cannot be broken. The 3 parts of the Trinity work together in harmony and that is exactly how we are to interact with each other. Because we are human (and broken), it is impossible (in our own power) to imitate this harmony. However, with God (the Trinity) ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.
Believing in God is good. Following Jesus is great. Having the Holy Spirit is awesome! The only way to truly experience this life as God intended is to allow all three into your hearts and minds. I can promise that if you do, amazing things will happen. I have lots of stories I could tell you about how this 3-in-1 God has changed, rearranged and transformed me. It truly only works if you have faith. Even faith as small as a mustard seed. Dare to conceive. Dare to believe. Dare to receive.
My GOD I praise and thank You for all that You have done in my heart and in my life as I have continued to believe and to trust You. I know that sometimes I waiver or I run the other way or I try to take the control out of Your hands. I know that Your will is perfect, Your timing is best and Your love is unmatched. Seeing and understanding Your divine dance (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) has absolutely blown my mind and captured my heart. I pray that You will continue Your pursuit of me and continue to transform me more and more into Your image. Create in me a clean heart, Oh God! Remove impurities that You see. We know how hard it is to go through the pruning process, but we also see the fruit that it bears and so we want more. Help me to surrender to You daily and thank You for taking what I have already surrendered. I pray to You Father God through Your Son Jesus Christ and by the power of Your Spirit. Amen.
Growing up Jewish, one of the most frequently recited prayers, if not THE most frequently recited, is the Shema, which can be found in Deuteronomy 6:4. In Hebrew, it is "Shema Yisroel Adonoi Eloheinu Adonoi Echad" which in English means "Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one." The idea of the LORD being ONE is the premise of the rejection by most of the Jewish people of the "Trinity" because if God is ONE, then how can God be THREE? I know I have referenced this in one of my very first posts, but in Genesis 1:26, God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us." So, it's a little confusing. Is God ONE or is God THREE? The answer (drum roll please) is YES. Both are true. Ummm. How?
Ok, here goes my crazy mind, and I have no clue where this will go or if it will make any sense to anyone other than myself (chances are, it won't even make sense to myself). God is about love and about relationship. He made it clear that He wanted to create Man in His/Our image and He also made it very clear that Man needed Woman because Man alone or Man with just all the animals wasn't going to work. God made several attempts to "relate" to us humans, the ones He created in His image. He used angels, a burning bush, a cloud, a formless voice, prophets, signs and wonders...all to try to get us to understand who He is and what He wants us to do and how He wants us to be. The problem is/was that the people would believe it one minute, and forget about it the next. The communication was basically like this: God - "10 commandments, here they are, follow them." People - "Umm, this is good stuff but we don't think you get how hard this is to actually follow." God - "Follow them or suffer the consequences, not only you, but generations after you." People - "Yes, Lord, we will follow and do what you say" (they would for a while, then totally went crazy and stopped for a while, then things got really bad and would turn back to God and follow again...and over and over and over like this for a really long time). God - "I'm just kind of done with this nonsense, you people just aren't getting it." Pause (400 years of silence)...Then Jesus is born.
Jesus. The Son of God...and GOD. Huh? Confusing? Yep. Here's what happened. God humbled Himself to BECOME one of us so that we could have an actual person to see, touch, hear and observe. He literally took on the form of a human being, emptied Himself of His divinity, faced all of the temptations, emotions and atrocities that humans face...to give us a tangible way to understand Him, relate to Him, relate to God through Him and to teach us about LOVE/Relationship. He showed us the PERSON of God, who existed with God before the earth was created. I know, it sounds so crazy. But it makes complete sense. God was having a really hard time getting us to understand Him, and we kept turning our backs on Him and He just kept getting irritated with us because we just weren't getting it. We didn't get Him and He didn't get us. So He showed up in human form and experienced what we experienced so He could better understand us and so that we could better understand Him. It's seriously the coolest and most loving thing He could have ever done. He showed us the relationship that He had and that He wanted us to have with Him and with each other. But He couldn't just stay here forever, as a human. For one thing, all human beings do eventually die (reference the fall). For another thing, He also came to be a sacrifice so that we would be able to experience God the way He did. Jesus and God were like the ultimate BFF's. They were so tight, and God wanted us to be "tight" with Him as well. But we were/are total sinners and there is no way for us to be perfect no matter how hard we try, and in order for God to be able to handle this about us and for us to be able to still have a relationship with God, there had to be a sacrifice. If you want to read up all about sacrifice, check out Leviticus and you will find out exactly what you would have had to offer for a particular situation or circumstance in order for God to forgive you back in the day. In order for us to be made right with God, Jesus became the ultimate sacrifice for us. It was prophesied long before He walked the earth and it was the way for us to be reconciled to God, but when Jesus died, how would people in generations to come know and believe in God? The PERSON was dead, and even though He rose from the dead and was seen by several hundred people before ascending into Heaven to sit with God, we wouldn't see Him again for a REALLY long time (no one really knows when). Enter the Holy Spirit.
Ok we have God, we have Jesus (who is also God) and we have the Holy Spirit. What in the what? What does that even mean? Holy Spirit? Some kind of ghost? Like just randomly hanging around in and among us? How is this even remotely possible? This just sounds so wacky. Actually, there's a lot of mention of the "Spirit" in the Old Testament, so it shouldn't be a completely foreign concept when we get to the Jesus part of the story. The Spirit is mentioned so many times in the Old Testament, that it would be another long blog post to discuss. I'm going to add in a link to a website that will address the Spirit in the Old Testament far better than I could:
https://bible.org/seriespage/2-putting-pentecost-perspective-part-1-holy-spirit-old-testament-acts-21-13
Basically, the Holy Spirit is a promise from God (the Father and the Son). It's a promise that we will always have guidance, love, relationship and wisdom that lives in us and is with us, going before and following us everywhere and in everything. It's the way that we can actually become the people that God created us to be (remember, in HIS image). This is a free gift that we can take or reject. The Spirit is always working. When you are driving down the street and see a homeless man and feel this nudge to give him something, that's the Spirit. When you are praying to God to get rid of bitterness in your heart, it's the Spirit that makes that happen. When you feel "called" into a particular career that you know didn't come from your brain, that's the Spirit pushing you there. When someone comes to your mind and you can't stop thinking about them and are prompted to reach out (call, text, visit), that is the Spirit. When you have convictions of "right" and "wrong," that's the Spirit trying to lead you down the "right" path. We can choose to ignore the promptings of the Spirit. Many of us do ignore...and it's really sad because in the end, we are the ones that are missing out on the most amazing gift. The divine dance. The Trinity has this incredible relationship that is strong and cannot be broken. The 3 parts of the Trinity work together in harmony and that is exactly how we are to interact with each other. Because we are human (and broken), it is impossible (in our own power) to imitate this harmony. However, with God (the Trinity) ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.
Believing in God is good. Following Jesus is great. Having the Holy Spirit is awesome! The only way to truly experience this life as God intended is to allow all three into your hearts and minds. I can promise that if you do, amazing things will happen. I have lots of stories I could tell you about how this 3-in-1 God has changed, rearranged and transformed me. It truly only works if you have faith. Even faith as small as a mustard seed. Dare to conceive. Dare to believe. Dare to receive.
My GOD I praise and thank You for all that You have done in my heart and in my life as I have continued to believe and to trust You. I know that sometimes I waiver or I run the other way or I try to take the control out of Your hands. I know that Your will is perfect, Your timing is best and Your love is unmatched. Seeing and understanding Your divine dance (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) has absolutely blown my mind and captured my heart. I pray that You will continue Your pursuit of me and continue to transform me more and more into Your image. Create in me a clean heart, Oh God! Remove impurities that You see. We know how hard it is to go through the pruning process, but we also see the fruit that it bears and so we want more. Help me to surrender to You daily and thank You for taking what I have already surrendered. I pray to You Father God through Your Son Jesus Christ and by the power of Your Spirit. Amen.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
The Heart of the Matter
The heart is a complex part of our bodies. It's pretty important...I mean it kind of keeps us alive. I could go into the anatomy of the heart and the circulatory system and how it relates and works with the lungs and kidneys and all sorts of medical stuff that would probably put both of my blog readers to sleep. When I was in nursing school, the cardiac system was the most fascinating to me and I loved learning about it. Lots of my patients have heart issues and it's my job to make sure they understand the disease process, the medications, diet and fluid requirements and hopefully keep them out of the hospital. It's truly awesome how this organ the size of your fist does so many things in a split second, before you could even blink an eye. So I understand the structure of the heart, the function of the heart, the diseases of the heart...but there's this entirely other dimension to the heart that is so complex, so utterly unexplainable, so mind blowing that I feel like it's the 8th wonder of the world.
Did you know your heart could break without killing you? It can speed up it's rate just by you looking at or thinking about something scary, beautiful or exciting. It can "sink" without actually moving! The heart isn't just important to us, it's also very clearly important to God. Not only did He create us and all of our intricate parts and systems, but He also has a lot to say about how we should use it in spiritual and emotional contexts. If you do an online bible search using the word "heart" in the NLT version, do you know how many times that word comes up? Well, I've looked, and it's 573. The bible is split into a total of 66 books between the Old and New Testaments. I'm not really a math person, but I do have a calculator app on my phone, and if you divide 573/66, the word is mentioned an average of 8.68 times per book. I don't think it's ever referencing the physical function of the heart. It's always related to the emotional/spiritual aspect. Here are a few of the things the Bible has to say about our hearts:
Psalm 19:14 New Living Translation (NLT): "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you,O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."
Matthew 6:21New Living Translation (NLT): "Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be."
Proverbs 3:5 New Living Translation (NLT): "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding."
Proverbs 4:23 New Living Translation (NLT): "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life."
Psalm 51:10 New Living Translation (NLT): "Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me."
Psalm 73:26 New Living Translation (NLT): "My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever."
Philippians 4:7 New Living Translation (NLT): "Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
John 14:27 New Living Translation (NLT): “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid."
Matthew 5:8 New Living Translation (NLT): "God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God."
Psalm 34:18 New Living Translation (NLT): "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
Mark 6:52 New Living Translation (NLT): "for they still didn’t understand the significance of the miracle of the loaves. Their hearts were too hard to take it in."
Ezekiel 2:4 New Living Translation (NLT): "They are stubborn and hard-hearted people. But I am sending you to say to them, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says!"
Hosea 10:12 New Living Translation (NLT): "I said, ‘Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of love. Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the Lord, that he may come and shower righteousness upon you.’"
Zechariah 7:12 New Living Translation (NLT): "They made their hearts as hard as stone, so they could not hear the instructions or the messages that the Lord of Heaven’s Armies had sent them by his Spirit through the earlier prophets. That is why the Lord of Heaven’s Armies was so angry with them."
Our hearts are so fragile. They can feel so deeply; they can lead us astray or lead us closer to God. They can break and they can harden and they can love and they can hate. Our hearts are the gateway to our souls, and our souls are what live on with Jesus at the end of our physical life. What we feed our hearts and what we do with them can determine the course of our life here on earth and beyond. How do we control the things our heart feels and does though? When we've been hurt, rejected, bullied, manipulated, lied to, betrayed...when we become jealous or bitter or resentful...how do we not allow our hearts to harden? How do we allow our hearts to forgive and to feel joy after years of pain and hurt? How do we "love our enemy as ourselves??"
Well, let me just be blunt. We can't. On our own, we cannot possibly have a heart change. We cannot possibly control what our hearts feel or what our hearts are fed or dealt in this life. Oh, by the way, we cannot change anyone else's heart either, despite how much we may try! We cannot change a heart, not ours or anyone else's. But guess what? The Holy Spirit can! The Holy Spirit has done things in my heart that I would never have imagined would be possible. There's a catch though, you knew there would be (just like in the infomercials). We have to LET God do the work in us and through us. That's a choice. We all have a choice in whether we allow God to shape and refine and change our hearts or not. Sure, He is God and He can change a person's heart at any time whether they "allow" Him to or not. If He does change a heart that drastically, there is still a road ahead that heart has to go down. More hurt, more pain, more devastation can cause that heart to harden right back up again. It's the process of prayer, of relationship with God that changes our hearts and keeps us on the right path. In this world, Jesus said WE WILL have troubles. But He also says, "take heart, for I have overcome the world." By HIS blood, we are saved and by HIS Spirit, our hearts can be made new.
I pray that whatever is going on in your heart right now that is causing it to harden or causing it to break, that you will invite the Holy Spirit in and allow God to transform your heart! He can do it. He's the ONLY ONE WHO CAN! You can fight it, and trust me, I have...a lot! But that is just exhausting and very similar to spinning your wheels in a mud pit. Fighting God isn't going to get you anywhere, certainly not closer to Him. And the closer to Him you are, the more your heart is changed into the one that He intended you to have in the first place...before all the hurt of this broken world got to it.
Lord, may the hearts of those who hear Your word and obey Your Spirit be blessed, changed, protected, put back together and fully healed by Your love, grace and mercy. Thank You for creating this fascinating 4 chambered pumping machine in us that doesn't just keep us alive physically, but spiritually and emotionally as well. Thank You for creating us in Your image! Thank You for sending Your son, who's heart was pierced so ours could beat forever with His. Amen!
Did you know your heart could break without killing you? It can speed up it's rate just by you looking at or thinking about something scary, beautiful or exciting. It can "sink" without actually moving! The heart isn't just important to us, it's also very clearly important to God. Not only did He create us and all of our intricate parts and systems, but He also has a lot to say about how we should use it in spiritual and emotional contexts. If you do an online bible search using the word "heart" in the NLT version, do you know how many times that word comes up? Well, I've looked, and it's 573. The bible is split into a total of 66 books between the Old and New Testaments. I'm not really a math person, but I do have a calculator app on my phone, and if you divide 573/66, the word is mentioned an average of 8.68 times per book. I don't think it's ever referencing the physical function of the heart. It's always related to the emotional/spiritual aspect. Here are a few of the things the Bible has to say about our hearts:
Psalm 19:14 New Living Translation (NLT): "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you,O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."
Matthew 6:21New Living Translation (NLT): "Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be."
Proverbs 3:5 New Living Translation (NLT): "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding."
Proverbs 4:23 New Living Translation (NLT): "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life."
Psalm 51:10 New Living Translation (NLT): "Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me."
Psalm 73:26 New Living Translation (NLT): "My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever."
Philippians 4:7 New Living Translation (NLT): "Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
John 14:27 New Living Translation (NLT): “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid."
Matthew 5:8 New Living Translation (NLT): "God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God."
Psalm 34:18 New Living Translation (NLT): "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
Mark 6:52 New Living Translation (NLT): "for they still didn’t understand the significance of the miracle of the loaves. Their hearts were too hard to take it in."
Ezekiel 2:4 New Living Translation (NLT): "They are stubborn and hard-hearted people. But I am sending you to say to them, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says!"
Hosea 10:12 New Living Translation (NLT): "I said, ‘Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of love. Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the Lord, that he may come and shower righteousness upon you.’"
Zechariah 7:12 New Living Translation (NLT): "They made their hearts as hard as stone, so they could not hear the instructions or the messages that the Lord of Heaven’s Armies had sent them by his Spirit through the earlier prophets. That is why the Lord of Heaven’s Armies was so angry with them."
Our hearts are so fragile. They can feel so deeply; they can lead us astray or lead us closer to God. They can break and they can harden and they can love and they can hate. Our hearts are the gateway to our souls, and our souls are what live on with Jesus at the end of our physical life. What we feed our hearts and what we do with them can determine the course of our life here on earth and beyond. How do we control the things our heart feels and does though? When we've been hurt, rejected, bullied, manipulated, lied to, betrayed...when we become jealous or bitter or resentful...how do we not allow our hearts to harden? How do we allow our hearts to forgive and to feel joy after years of pain and hurt? How do we "love our enemy as ourselves??"
Well, let me just be blunt. We can't. On our own, we cannot possibly have a heart change. We cannot possibly control what our hearts feel or what our hearts are fed or dealt in this life. Oh, by the way, we cannot change anyone else's heart either, despite how much we may try! We cannot change a heart, not ours or anyone else's. But guess what? The Holy Spirit can! The Holy Spirit has done things in my heart that I would never have imagined would be possible. There's a catch though, you knew there would be (just like in the infomercials). We have to LET God do the work in us and through us. That's a choice. We all have a choice in whether we allow God to shape and refine and change our hearts or not. Sure, He is God and He can change a person's heart at any time whether they "allow" Him to or not. If He does change a heart that drastically, there is still a road ahead that heart has to go down. More hurt, more pain, more devastation can cause that heart to harden right back up again. It's the process of prayer, of relationship with God that changes our hearts and keeps us on the right path. In this world, Jesus said WE WILL have troubles. But He also says, "take heart, for I have overcome the world." By HIS blood, we are saved and by HIS Spirit, our hearts can be made new.
I pray that whatever is going on in your heart right now that is causing it to harden or causing it to break, that you will invite the Holy Spirit in and allow God to transform your heart! He can do it. He's the ONLY ONE WHO CAN! You can fight it, and trust me, I have...a lot! But that is just exhausting and very similar to spinning your wheels in a mud pit. Fighting God isn't going to get you anywhere, certainly not closer to Him. And the closer to Him you are, the more your heart is changed into the one that He intended you to have in the first place...before all the hurt of this broken world got to it.
Lord, may the hearts of those who hear Your word and obey Your Spirit be blessed, changed, protected, put back together and fully healed by Your love, grace and mercy. Thank You for creating this fascinating 4 chambered pumping machine in us that doesn't just keep us alive physically, but spiritually and emotionally as well. Thank You for creating us in Your image! Thank You for sending Your son, who's heart was pierced so ours could beat forever with His. Amen!
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