I know it's been a while since I've posted. It's not that I haven't thought of things to post about...it's that I've been in a little internal struggle - a familiar one to me - where I'm questioning myself, what I'm doing, God, this whole concept of Jesus being the Messiah. You know, just some "light" stuff. It happens a lot. I have all this guilt about turning my back on everything I was raised to believe (or not believe) and about telling the family and the Jewish friends...and then I start to wonder whether this is right. Whether I should just go back to living as a Jew...whatever that actually means. So then I start reading stuff, trying to once again figure out why it is that the Jews don't buy into the Jesus thing. Found a website called "Jews for Judaism" and was reading all these "answers" to the claims of and about Christ. Answers written by people...Rabbis actually. Trying to see where they are coming from. Trying to figure out where I'm coming from. Where the Christians are coming from. Oy vey so much to ponder.
I sat and read some of this stuff with my best friend one day - and it was kinda funny because she started having all these doubts and I was the one that was trying to explain away the explanations the Jews were giving for why Jesus wasn't or couldn't be the Messiah. It was a little role reversal. Not that I still don't have doubts, cus I do. Every day I question myself and question what I believe. I have never doubted the existence of God - it's just that this Jesus thing shakes things up for me - for my life - a LOT. And some days I just wonder if I have it in me to continue on this path, knowing that it's going to lead me to a lot of turmoil in my relationships with the Jewish people in my life. I know that Jesus suffered in this turmoil himself - his own family thought he was crazy. He never wavered in his trust in God - and I wish I had that kind of trust, that kind of faith that...even though I was in for a lot of suffering and turmoil, I could rest in the fact that God had my back and that it would all be ok in the end. One of these days I'll get to that point, I hope - and I'll be able to go through what I need to go through and walk in obedience to what God is calling me to do in my life.
Until that day, I still get down in the doubts. I still question. I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing or not.
God help me. Give me eyes to see, a heart to feel, ears to hear...and wisdom to discern your will for me.
To be continued...
