I have no peace. I mean I have some peace. But for the most part, I don't think I'll ever truly have peace. I'm not sure if it matters in the end and maybe I'm being selfish...but I wish I had peace - inner peace. The kind of peace where I feel free to live out my faith, to accept what God has given freely to me. To be able to say what's on my heart to anyone, whether Christian, Jew, Buddhist, Atheist...my family...your family...friends...strangers...anyone. To do this without feeling like I'm pouring salt into wounds or offending someone or making someone angry.
I had a little situation with my sister a little over a week ago. She was using my computer and happened across my email account that had a lot of Proverbs 31 emails in the inbox. Proverbs 31 is a ministry for women. I get these daily inspirational emails that help women deal with life...using scripture and wisdom and stories. Regardless of what it is, she FREAKED out on me. "Umm, we're Jewish...there's nothing good about the New Testament...Jesus is NOT our lord and savior..." in a very angry, hurt tone of voice. I was caught off guard, I basically told her to chill out, that they were inspirational emails about life and it's ok. Here's what I wish I'd said instead...
I wish I had asked her first of all, why she was SO angry. I wish I'd asked her if she'd ever read the New Testament, or even the Old Testament...and how she came to the conclusion that there's nothing good about the New Testament. I wish I had sat down and talked to her about who Jesus was and what he did and asked her why she was so bitter towards this man who did NO wrong but only good. This JEWISH man who came to live as a JEW...that came FOR the Jews. I wish I had told her that the New Testament is the MOST historically accurate document on the face of the earth and that most of the writers of the New Testament were Jewish. I wish I wasn't such a coward and that I could just face all this head on with no regret, no fear, no shame. Granted, I don't think that a hormonal, postpartum woman would have received this very well, and it probably wasn't the best time to have that conversation anyway. But, really - when WILL the best time be? There's no such thing as the best time to rip the hearts out of the people I love. I wish it didn't have to be like that. I wish that they would have open minds and soft hearts to at least consider that if my stubborn self could possibly be convinced of the truth of Jesus...there just might be something to this.
I continually see the disappointed, angry faces of my family members and Jewish friends in my mind. I see them when I'm listening to Christian music, when I'm sitting in Church on Sunday's, when I'm reading all the good stuff I'm reading about God and everything He has done for all of us. There is no peace, and I am finding myself trying to keep God at arms length and not allowing myself to fully receive all that He is offering. The reason I don't have that experiential stuff I mentioned in an earlier post, is because I'm afraid and I feel guilty about believing too much and really letting it all in. I am unsettled, I am broken, I am a mess. I know that it's in my broken-ness that I need God the most and that He wants to be in me the most. Please, God - please help me find peace. Please. Amen.
