One thing that I love...and sometimes hate...about my faith journey, is that I've had to take some long hard looks into my own soul. If I'm going to grow into a woman in whom Christ dwells, and if I'm going to surrender to Him so He can shape and refine me into the woman He created me to be, then I need to know, REALLY know, who I am and who I've been. Sometimes I see good things, and sometimes, I see some not so good things about myself. The really cool thing is that God loves me no matter what and He's already forgiven every sin in thought or action that I have ever committed and will ever commit. But as I mentioned in my last post, the way to salvation involves surrender and sacrifice. It has to. If I don't let Jesus transform me by surrendering and sacrificing all my stuff to Him, then I'm not fully living in His will and I'm not fully accepting His salvation. So I've been pondering alot lately about who I am and why I can't fully surrender. I know things in my head, and some of it has seeped into my heart, and I know that I'm changing...but I've got issues, big issues, that are standing in the way of my surrender. I think this week, I've stumbled upon the BIG issue, the one that has always always affected my thoughts, my actions, my reactions, my relationships, and ultimately my surrender to the One true God.
Here it is...insecurity. I've always been insecure. I've always had low self-esteem. I've always struggled with the insecurity and it has always followed me everywhere I've gone in my life. It followed me into the classroom when I was a kid and was afraid to raise my hand or speak up, even if I knew the answer. It followed me to the softball fields and basketball courts when I never felt "good enough" to play. It followed me into my food choices, exercise habits (or lack thereof) and it followed me into obesity and back down again, into all of my friendships, my relationships with men, into my family relationships...everywhere. I have never been able to shake this insecurity no matter how hard I've tried and no matter how much I've accomplished. I've had moments where I've had spurts of security - and when I look back, those have ALL come from external sources: pats on the back from other people recognizing a job well done, encouragement from a youth group leader to see myself as a beautiful and wonderful person, getting good grades, graduating from college and then nursing school, recognition from others on my weight loss, friends who have had great things to say about me...not that any of these things are bad. It's good to be recognized by others and to be esteemed by them. But, here's the problem...none of this has led to true security, lasting security in being comfortable in my own skin and in being content. My insecurities have led to broken or damaged relationships, body image issues whether obese or not, and they are a huge reason for why I haven't told my family of my faith...and especially I think the biggest reason for my lack of surrender and full acceptance of the gift of salvation that Jesus has given.
Just like Adam and Eve didn't realize they were naked until they had sinned, insecurity is a failure to realize who we are because satan has gotten to us. He's fed us lie after lie and is doing everything in his power to separate us from God and from salvation. He wants to keep us in our sinful nature, wants to break our spirit and keep The Spirit out of us. He's pretty sneaky in how he does this and our society and our sinful world is doing nothing to help us get out of this darkness and into God's light. If we are to be free, to surrender, to live in God's will, to live in the light...we have to go into these dark places of our souls and we have to rebuke satan and rely on Scripture. We have to be in God's word, know His word, use His word when negative, dark thoughts come into our heads, and we need to not let ANYTHING or anyone separate us from God's love. Saying and doing are definitely two different things. But I am trying, with God's help, to replace all of the negative, insecure thoughts and feelings I have with His truths. My security can ONLY come from God and from seeing my reflection through His eyes, and not my own, and not the world's. This is hard and it's a process. I will be fighting this battle the rest of my life, I'm sure...but I have someone who will ALWAYS be with me, will go before me, walk beside me and follow behind. Someone who will never leave me or forsake me, who will never break His promises to me, who will always love me unconditionally and deeply, never disappoint me or hurt me. I have to learn to trust in that, fully trust in that and to stand firm on that no matter what my circumstances are. I cannot be complete without the ONLY one that can complete me, can truly satisfy me and IS the only security I need.
God, I recognize that I've allowed satan to bring me into the darkness of my own insecurities and to keep me there and I can see how much damage my insecurities have caused myself, my family, my friends and my spouse. I cannot fight these thoughts and feelings I have on my own. I need Your strength, I need Your Word to speak truth into my soul everyday, every hour, every minute. I need You to help me turn my negative thoughts and my negative perceptions of me and of others in my life into positive ones...by the promises You have given. I want to surrender all of my stuff to You Jesus but I know I can't or won't do that while I'm still living in the slavery of my insecurities. Please help me stand up to satan and fight this spiritual battle that invades my life so deeply. I pray that each day, as I seek You and talk to You, that You will show me the way to security, to freedom, to my abiding in You and You in me. Thank for your patience and for showing me the log I clearly have in my own eye, when I've been so quick to point out the speck in others eyes. I recognize this as my own insecurity and I want to live in Your security. I love you and I thank you for Your redeeming work in my life and in the world. In Jesus name, Amen.
