Last Tuesday, I sat in my closet for a little alone time with God (a great suggestion from a great friend). I really didn't have an agenda for us, but I came out of that closet feeling convicted to (finally) write (re-write) the letter to my mom explaining of my faith in Jesus as the Messiah. So, I wrote. I think the first sentence was re-done about 4 or 5 times but then once I got past that, the words just were flowing like a river. Then, on Thursday, before I went to play with my sweet little baby nephews, I grabbed the letter, the book "Betrayed" I got for her, and an envelope. I thought, maybe I should just go ahead and mail this out today, and she'll get it tomorrow night after she gets home and after I'm off work and we'll have the whole weekend to process through it all. I had heart palpitations all day thinking about doing this. On my way home from playing with the boys, I texted my friend and spiritual mentor...who called me and bless her heart stayed on the phone with me, encouraging me and praying for me while I addressed the envelope, bought the stamp...and, yes, put it in the mailbox. As I walked away from the post office, tears in my eyes, heart beating out of my chest...I felt both a sense of relief and anxiety. I told God that it was in His hands now...and I committed this to Him...it was done.
Friday evening came, and I was anxiously and fearfully anticipating "the call" from my mom...when I saw her picture and name come up on my caller id, my heart literally dropped into my stomach. She was totally normal - asking about going to the gym with us on Saturday - I knew she hadn't gotten my package yet - no way would she be that normal after opening THAT! So, the next day, my youngest son and I went to pick her up, took her with us to the gym, then the grocery store, then back to her place. As we were rolling in the cart of her groceries, she went to the mailbox...the first thing she pulled out was my package, then several other items...not paying attention to what she had. I grabbed the mail and put it one of her bags and then we proceeded up the elevator and down the hall to her apartment - with my heart seriously beating out of my chest. OMG - what am I supposed to do??? I was debating with myself whether I should stay or leave...and then she went to return the cart to it's proper place in the building. There I was, staring at that envelope. I had a choice. I could take it and run and forget about doing this today - I literally could take back what I just two days earlier committed to God. Or I could leave it, or I could personally hand it to her when she got back.
I took the envelope out of the bag...I had it in my hands. I grabbed a pen, I wrote a note on the outside of the envelope - something about sorry I couldn't do this in person, it was too hard...and then, when she got back, my son and I left. Heart going completely insane...I'm pretty sure that anyone could put their hand anywhere NEAR my chest and PALPATE my heartbeat at this point. I told my son I was scared and I started to cry and we talked a little bit, he asked me why I was scared and I told him that I knew Grandma would be very disappointed in me and I was scared about how she'd react (I had told my boys on Thursday that I mailed it). I don't remember everything about that conversation, but I do remember him saying "but mom, we're supposed to spread the love of Jesus!" Oh my little boy...wise beyond his years for sure. So we got home and I again anxiously and fearfully waited for her call.
She called. At first she had only seen the book, and was wondering what in the heck was going on with me...but I told her there was a letter in there and so she said she'd go read it. Then another call, lots of things to say...from thinking I had been brainwashed to "please DO NOT tell anyone else, especially your sister." She was definitely not happy. We talked for a bit, well mostly she talked for a bit, requesting things like may she never see a cross on my boys or myself, may she never walk into my home and see a cross or a picture of Jesus...telling me how and why she didn't believe in Jesus...honestly I can't remember everything she said, but I dropped to the floor of my bathroom after we hung up (another call was coming in, and she can't not answer a phone call...) and I just leaned against the bathtub, sobbing. Partially out of relief - because she did say she still loves me - and partially because I was so shocked that she begged me to keep it a secret. I mean, if I'm going to "come out" about this, I'm going to "come out" to everyone - I just thought she should be the first one. How, I thought, do I both obey and honor God and honor my mother as the 5th commandment asks me to do??????????????
So, she called another time, leaving a message that she had told my aunt (her sister) but that she would NOT be telling anyone else, and again urged me not to either and also said some things that my aunt said about everything. My non-practicing, non-observant aunt was clearly not happy either. I didn't call her back because my best friend had come over with her son and we were having dinner (and some wine, Lord knows I needed it at that moment)...and then later we were watching the weekly video for our bible study and my mom called, AGAIN. Initially, she BEGGED me not to put anything about this on Facebook. She had lots of things to say, she told me she had cried alot, and also that she couldn't seem to locate the book I gave her - (small one bedroom apartment, who knows what happened but I'm sure the devil has a hand in that somehow) and talked about a cousin of hers who had believed and was dis-owned by many in the family, talked about her belief about the Messiah, again thought maybe I'd been brainwashed, strongly encouraging me to NOT go to church (little does she know) - she thought it would be best for me to just go outside to pray rather than go to a church. The thing is, is that to my mom, the Cross and Church are about the same as having a picture of the head of the KKK in the home of a black person - this is the only way I can explain how she feels about it. She pretty much said she didn't want to know if I was going to church, didn't want to know if I was going to get "dunked" and stated that she wants to live to be 85 so she can see all of my sister's boys have their Bar Mitzvah's, and also requested that when she die, I go to synagogue to recite the mourner's prayer for a month and then once a year on the anniversary of her death. WHEW.
Lots of heavy stuff. Ultimately, what I heard in that conversation was a TON of fear and a TON of ignorance. It's heartbreaking, but I understand and I will try to honor and respect her as best as I can, while following God and obeying Him first. I interjected a few times to say things but I think mostly likely everything that I said fell on deaf ears. But, we did dialogue - we did dialogue. I sensed a curiosity in her and in as much as she was absolutely against what I was saying I believe, she was talking about stuff and asking questions and seemed like discussions might be ok to have about all this...and she did say that she'd read the book, if she can find it.
She didn't keel over, either did I. I realized that by far, this was the BIGGEST act of obedience to God that I have personally EVER experienced. I also realized that I must REALLY REALLY REALLY believe that Jesus is the Messiah to have told my mom I believe He is. I kept saying that I would know when it was time, and I did - I knew when I knew and that was that. God is so good and so incredibly patient and even though I said I would know when I knew, I didn't really fully believe that - until I KNEW and I did it. This gives me hope and it makes me TRUST God even more than ever. He WILL lead me if I will seek Him. He will place those nudging's in my gut and in my heart and I know that when I follow Him, He will be with me, and I will see fruit...maybe not today, maybe not in 5 years, maybe not ever while I'm living on this earth, but eventually, eternally, I will see fruit from my obedience.
In the meantime, I'm giving my mom some time to recover from the initial shock, and I will tell the rest of my family, starting with my sister, when and how God leads me to. I will know when I know.
God, I thank you for Your amazing love, mercy, grace, patience and nudging's. I know that You created me and that You have a plan for me and that if I am still and seek you and am obedient to Your will, that I will know and see and follow Your leading. I pray for the wisdom and discernment and the courage and strength to continue to listen to You above anyone on this earth. I pray that I will continue to obey You first, even if that means strained relationships, severed relationships and/or a lot of pain and suffering will come my way. I pray that I will always remember how faithful You are and always have been, and I pray in Jesus' name that I can continue to be brave and bold in sharing my faith with my family, with my friends, with total strangers. Amen.
