My mom, who insisted when she found out about my faith that I not tell anyone else in the family, ESPECIALLY my sister...decided to tell my sister a couple weeks ago. I was giving my mom time to process and looking to the Spirit to guide me in when to tell the rest of my family, but she took matters into her own hands...which maybe God orchestrated? Who knows...all I know is that it's out there. I went ahead and sent her and my brother an email with the letter I sent my mom that explained everything. My brother and sister have reacted differently in some ways and the same in others. They both seem to think that I never should have told my mom. In the words of my sister, "you broke mom's heart in an unfixable manner." Ouch. Of course I knew that I was going to break my mom's heart...which of course breaks my own heart, which is of course why it took me so long to finally be able to "come out" to her about it. I don't care how old we get, we NEVER want to disappoint or hurt our parents. At least I don't, and I didn't. There's this commandment, maybe you've heard of it, about honoring thy father and mother. **Big Sigh**
The thing is, there's another commandment too...about loving and honoring God first, above all else. Above EVERYONE else. I've been in this constant state of turmoil for the last few years, in essence, because of these commandments. How does one love and honor God first and above all else AND honor thy father and mother...when you know that by doing one, you're going to cause immense pain and heartache in the other? There's this story of Jesus in a similar predicament...
Luke 2:41-3:1
New International Version (NIV)
The Boy Jesus at the Temple
41 Every year Jesus’ parents went to Jerusalem for the Festival of the Passover. 42 When he was twelve years old, they went up to the festival, according to the custom. 43 After the festival was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but they were unaware of it. 44 Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day. Then they began looking for him among their relatives and friends. 45 When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him. 46 After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. 47 Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers. 48 When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, “Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.”
49 “Why were you searching for me?” he asked. “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?”[a] 50 But they did not understand what he was saying to them.
51 Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart. 52 And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.
Jesus obeyed God, his parents were distraught and upset and didn't understand. My parents (at least my mom) is distraught and upset about what I'm doing...but she really doesn't understand. My sister doesn't get it, and wonders how I'd like it if she went off and joined an Amish cult (her words). My brother thinks I'm being ridiculous. The thing is, my family and most of the Jews around the world, don't understand. They don't know the rest of the story. Many of them don't even really know their own story. I've read the entire bible. I've researched and read and prayed and sought and found the truth. They have not done what I've done to try to find answers to questions that have been burning in me most of my life. Most of the Jews, not only don't understand, but have no desire to try to understand. And that's ok, it's actually part of God's plan and purpose for them not to understand...at least not yet. It's still hard though, hard to want to and try to live my faith out loud and still honor my family. I don't want to offend them, but chances are that I will, and really I already have. In their minds, I have turned my back on my heritage and my Jewishness. I think all of them right now are just trying to pretend that this isn't really true. My mom has asked a few times if I've changed my mind yet. My sister says she doesn't get it, but isn't doing anything to try to understand. No one wants to talk about it, and I am not going to force them...but at the same time I still feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I still feel like I can't really be who I am and live my faith out loud. I know that I can show them by HOW I live and I am trying to do that. But to openly talk about and praise Jesus, to wear a cross or have one in my home, all of these things would hurt and offend and break the hearts of the people I love the most. This is hard.
I am still in turmoil, even with the cat out of the bag. I had a feeling I would be, and I know there's a price to pay for following Jesus. I know that the cost to me is greater than what it would be for many others, but I also know that it's much less than what others have already paid or will pay. I'm just trying to figure it out, with God - how to live as a Jewish follower of Christ in a secular world and a world still full of antisemitism and a world where most people just really don't understand or know. Some days...many days, I find myself wondering if I could just forget the truth I know and go back to who I was before all of this. It would be easier, for sure, in many ways...but it would also be emptier. I am being changed, being sifted, being refined, being transformed. The process is painful most of the time, but I believe that on the other side of this, I will see a peace and a glory and a joy that I can't even possibly imagine right now. If I didn't believe that deep down, I would turn and walk away from this, because it's SO hard.
God, I need YOU. I need Your strength, Your truth, Your protection, Your love...to permeate every part of my being. I am so weak on my own, so tempted to forget what I know about You and go back to who I was, because becoming who you want me to be is SO hard, and so painful. It hurts me to know that my family is heartbroken by my choice to follow Jesus. It hurts to know that they don't understand and don't know You, and may never in this life. I feel I'm being attacked on every front and at every turn by the enemy. Help me to stand up in Your light to the darkness that continues to penetrate my soul. Without you, I am nothing, I am weak, I am lost. I pray that You will work in the hearts and minds of my family and in Jews around the world to help them see and understand, to draw them to You because they are curious about me and more importantly, curious about Jesus. This may not happen in my lifetime, so please help me to be content in Your truth, regardless of my circumstances. Help me to remain in You no matter the cost, and help me to overcome all doubt, all darkness, all desire to turn around and walk away. I want to follow the path You have for me, and I know it will cost me...and I know it will continue to hurt. God I know that through death, I will have life. Please remind me every second, every minute, every hour and every day who I am and whose I am. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
