I'm reading a book called "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning and as most books I read - ok ALL of the books I read, it has prompted some deep introspection and thought. I've just read a story about a group session Brennan attended for alcoholics that struck a chord. No, I'm not an alcoholic, although I have to admit I like a pina colada or a yummy flavored martini once in a while...but the story isn't so much about alcoholism, as it is about trying to hide our sins. Trying to justify, rationalize, hide, cover up and/or pretend that our sins aren't bad or that we don't have issues like those other people do (alcoholics, murderers, etc). I think one thing that struck me when reading this story, is that in general, many "believers" seem to think they have to be perfect, sinless and make sure that the other believers think that of them as well. The one place that we come together to worship the God who sent His Son to die for our sins, while we were still sinning, and fully knowing that we would continue to sin...seems to be the one place that we pretend we have it all together the most. The therapist/facilitator in this story used some serious tough love and unconventional tactics to get this guy "Max" to admit that he really does have a problem. Max was doing everything he could to make the others think he was fine and didn't actually have a problem. He was called out for his lying. He was practically humiliated into admitting how broken he really was.
One thing this story made me think of is how when I was a kid, I used to lie about stuff, A LOT. I lied about places I'd been or things I had, I made up all kinds of stories - mostly because I felt like I had nothing to contribute to conversations, class discussions, or girl talk about boys. I felt so inadequate, inexperienced, boring, whatever. I'll never ever forget the day in 4th grade that my teacher called me out of the classroom and laid into me about yet another story I made up. I felt so embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated...but it changed me, at least for a while. I didn't make up another story in that class the rest of the year. Unfortunately, I still lied a lot as I got older and it caught up with me in various ways as well. But at some point in my life, I came to a point where enough was enough. I was who I was, there was nothing I could do or say to change that and people could either accept that or not. So I decided to be honest - and sometimes I was and have been honest to a fault with people. But something happened when I decided to stop lying...I would get really upset and irritated with other people who lied. I still find myself feeling that way, like when my husband lies about something or when my kids do or anyone else. I tend to become a little (gasp) self-righteous about it, as if because I've realized how wrong it is to lie, everyone else needs to get on board with that and stop lying too.
As I've been on this journey to follow Jesus, and in my quest to become more like Him, I've been trying to stop sinning and give other believers I hang with a picture of me that is righteous and holy and full of faith. I find myself noticing sins of others and trying to make sure I'm not doing those things, and wondering why they are still sinning when they know it's wrong and not what God wants of them. When I know someone is struggling with something, especially someone I'm close with, I find myself wanting to help them and I have this tendency to want to save them. I think I have always had this desire to help people, save people, fix them...I mean I am a nurse after all, which seems a natural fit for me because I've always been that kind of person. This isn't in itself a bad thing. The bad thing is that while I'm trying to help and save and fix, I'm becoming self righteous. I never mean to, I truly do have good intentions. However, one thing I'm realizing is that good intentions can lead to wrong actions if I don't check myself in with God, if I don't humble myself before the cross and not only realize and admit that I'm a sinner too...but remember and remind myself how difficult it is for me to stop sinning. I may not sin in obvious ways that can be seen by all...but I sin...in thought, in word, in my heart, in actions and reactions.
The truth is, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, no matter how I justify, I'm a sinner, I'm broken, and I need a savior just like everyone else does. Not a person to help, fix or save me...but God. People, myself included, are still human and no matter the intentions, we can't save each other. If we could, then Jesus died on the cross for nothing. This is a REALLY difficult thing for me to come to terms with. If I see someone on a train that's about to de-rail, I want to jump on the train, grab them and jump with them to safety. It's not really wrong that I want to do that, but it's wrong if I go about trying to do it by myself, without God. If I trust God, if I believe He is who He says He is, if I have faith in Him, then I need to go to Him in humility and ask for Him to save, and to show me the ways that I can help, if He wants me to. IF He wants me to!! Really God doesn't need my help, He's got things covered, but sometimes He does use people in ways that will help Him to achieve his plans, there are lots of stories in the Bible where God uses people...and when and if He wants to use me, I want to be ready and willing to obey. Meanwhile, I need to learn how to sit back and trust Him to keep the train on the track. Instead of trying to fix people, I need to just love them, as they are, sins and all. That, I'm realizing (finally), IS the Gospel message. And...Lord have mercy, I need His help to stay humble enough to see and admit that my sins are no more and no less than anyone else's, and that His blood has already covered them all. I don't have to do anything, He's already done it.
Lord, my prayer to you today comes in the form of a song by a group called Sidewalk Prophets...please hear this as my plea to you and keep making me:
"Keep Making Me"
Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken
Make me empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty
[Chorus:]
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me
Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely
[Chorus]
