Well here we are, it's been over a year AGAIN since I've posted anything in my blog. For my 2 readers (unless I've already lost you), I apologize for the long gaps in my writing over the last few years. Really this blog is mostly for myself, it's kind of like a journal and hopefully one day will be one that I share with my family. I mean, they already know that I believe in Jesus and go to church, but I don't really talk about my faith much around them and certainly have never shared the intimate details about my journey or given them the link to my blog. One day...
Anyway, this year has been pretty rough. Not just for me I'm sure, because we're in the midst of a global pandemic. Covid-19 has literally changed the world we live in and the way we live in it. But before this virus got started, I had my own world upended when I finally decided that I had enough of the lying, cheating and disrespecting that had been my marriage for the past 20 plus years and filed for divorce. I had alluded to this in some previous posts without ever actually saying what it was, but needless to say, I finally had my breaking point in the fall of 2019 when it happened yet AGAIN. This time, not just affecting me, but more significantly, my younger son. I will spare the details but I finally had the courage, the strength and the peace I needed from God to end a very toxic, unhealthy marriage.
So I filed...then he moved out...then LOCKDOWN happened. I found myself in the midst of a difficult divorce basically alone because I couldn't go to church, couldn't get together in person with my life group, my friends, my family - basically I felt an isolation like I've never experienced. I have been tested A LOT throughout my faith journey...but I have to say that these last several months have tested my faith in ways I never could have imagined. With all the other "tests" I've been through, I have had so much support from my friends (church and non-church alike). I could always count on a literal shoulder to lean/cry on, lots of hugs, intimate one on one or group conversations where I could pray and be prayed over...actual in person physical and emotional contact with people who love and care for me. Suddenly, I'm in this incredibly devastating, life altering situation ALONE. Sure, I had zoom calls and texts and video chats...but for someone whose top 2 love languages are quality time and physical touch - umm, DEVASTATING.
Oh, ya and also - I changed jobs - twice - during this time. AND - my dad (who was living in Georgia) had health issues so we ended up moving him up here and I was dealing with lots of phone calls and emails trying to get those logistics squared away (during a pandemic)...AND - my mom was having health issues...AND my 16 year old's depression was really bad...AND my 20 year old dropped his college classes because he was feeling overwhelmed (before the pandemic lockdown was even a thing but after I filed for divorce). Literally my neck is tight and my left eye is twitching after typing all this because it's been SO stressful and recounting it all in this post is just flooding my mind with all of the emotions.
Test, after test, after test, after test. Nearly 8 months later, the divorce is still not final. Despite all of my attempts to be as kind, fair and "by the book" as I possibly can be (and many would argue WAY more than I should be)...I'm certainly not getting the same courtesy in return. My legal fees are now in excess of the cost of my entire wedding AND honeymoon. I'm getting notices that my credit score is going down (despite MY best efforts to improve it). I still don't have an end date to this debaucle. We still don't know whether school will happen in person or not for my high schooler. My oldest is now thinking about moving out in the next few weeks. Literally...one thing after another after another. My weight has gone up rather than down and I'm certain that's mostly due to increased cortisol production (stress hormone). Oh - and have I mentioned that I'm in full on perimenopause complete with hot flashes, crazy mood swings, irregularity like I have never seen, crazy dreams, night sweats, insomnia...good grief it's not fun being a woman! I also turned 50 last month. That birthday really made me think and evaluate my life. Whew.
Well friends, here's the deal. I have not been really great about staying connected with God lately. I've been allowing Satan to fuel the fire burning under and in me. The stress and the tests and the mess of life have really gotten to me over the past several months. But I was reading through some of my past blog posts tonight while texting with a friend. And it kind of hit me hard that I've been trying to deal with all of this alone for too long. I'm not alone. Even if I'm in a pandemic and can't be "with" my support system in person as I would prefer to be. Even if I "feel" lonely and alone, I'm not. God IS with me. He's never left me. One of my "go to" verses that I am constantly sharing with friends who are struggling is one that I need to "go to" myself right now and REALLY focus on and believe. Because I know it's the truth. It's from the book of Isaiah:
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. - Isaiah 43:2-3a
Lord, I know that in this life, I will have trials. You have said that I would - it's not a big secret - and the trials don't stop just because I decided to follow You. In fact, sometimes when we decide to follow You, our trials actually become more difficult and more frequent. There's a cost involved when we choose You over the world. Sometimes I allow the stress to overwhelm me and I forget the truth. The truth is that YOU are in control and that good defeats evil in the end. I know where I'm going after this life. I know who I am and WHOSE I am. Especially now, with all of the trials that I'm facing, I need to lean into You and remember that YOU are Sovereign. You're the same God who gave Abraham and Sarah a son in their old age. The same God who parted the Red Sea for the Jewish people to walk across and escape slavery. The same God who came to live among His people, the same God who DIED to SAVE His people. The same God who lives IN me, never leaves me nor foresakes me. The same God who has brought me through ALL of the trials I've faced before. The same God who WILL bring me through these trials. Forgive me for trying to take on all of the stress and burdens of the last several months alone just because I felt alone. Help me to remember daily that You are with me and that, pandemic or no pandemic...I am NEVER alone and that the flames of these fires will not consume me. I pray for Your presence, protection, peace and provision and I thank You in advance for bringing me through these deep waters on YOUR shoulders. In Jesus name, Amen.
