Growing up Jewish

I didn't just wake up one day and decide that I wanted to belive in Jesus.  Honestly, believing in Jesus is the last thing a Jewish girl thinks or says or ever dreams about doing.  Why?  Because that's not what we do.  We just don't.  You grow up in a Jewish home and you go to Sunday school and Hebrew school and you have a Bat Mitzvah and you marry a Jewish man and you raise Jewish children and then they go to Sunday and Hebrew school and have Bar/Bat Mitzvah's ... and so on and so on. 

Well, I did go to to Sunday school and Hebrew school...I had a Bat Mitzvah when I was 12 years old, I was confirmed at the end of the 10th grade from Sunday school, I went to Hebrew High School - kind of like an extension of Sunday and Hebrew school after you are confirmed...you don't have to do it but I got a scholarship at my confirmation ceremony to attend Hebrew High School the next year...so I did.  My parents were proud, my grandparents were proud (the ones still alive anyway), all of my relatives were proud.  Neither of my siblings even made it to confirmation, let alone going beyond that.  I even went to Israel with my Jewish youth group - they didn't go.

I did everything I was supposed to do.  Then when I was 22 or 23 I "met" this non Jewish guy online - an agnostic actually - and we hit it off.  I lived in Florida, he lived in Oklahoma, but I was totally in love with this guy before we ever even met.  When we met, I ended up telling my mom that I was going to Oklahoma to see him - well let me just say that she cried like she did when my grandparents died.  Where did she go wrong?  How could I be with/date a non Jewish guy?  It was a pretty horrible experience.  Things didn't end up working out with him...but then a little over a year later, I met this other non Jewish guy that I'd met online - he lived alot closer to me - only about 30 minutes away.  By this time, my parents were divorcing and my mom had dated a very nice Southern Baptist man.  She was way more accpeting of me dating this guy - not that she liked it.  She wanted me to marry a Jewish guy - that's what Jewish mom's want for their kids.  That's just the way it is.  I ended up marrying this one but that's a story for another day. 

I never truly felt connected to the Jews in my Sunday school, Hebrew school, synagogue - I don't even know how to explain it.  All I know is that most of my good friends were non Jews my whole life.  I think mainly because I went to schools where I was either the only Jew or one of only a few Jews.  But still...I never felt like I belonged.  Oh well, it's what I am - it's who I am, it's what we do.  I would go to High Holiday services and occasionally go to other services at the synagogue mostly to please my mom or grandma.  I never really felt connected, I still go sometimes if I'm not working and I like the sermons and I like reading the prayers in English - cus even though I can read Hebrew, translating it as you pray is a whole different ball game...but I still just don't feel like it's who I am...can't explain it. 

So when my youngest son is 3 years old, he starts asking questions about God - he's very inquisitive, I don't have all the answers...he asks about Jesus.  Oh boy.  My best friend that I met in nursing school talks to me about Jesus and her beliefs/faith. We had lots of awesome talks about God and Jesus and Jews and stuff, and between her and my son asking questions...I start asking myself questions.  I start reading books, I am looking for something that tells me exactly WHY Jews don't believe in Jesus - I was only told growing up that we don't believe in Jesus, we don't believe the Messiah has come yet, we don't read or believe in the New Testament - really actually "Jesus" is like a bad word - it's like a word you have to whisper under your breath cus we just don't talk about "him" - you know "him" - I mean they say he was a good guy and all - maybe like a prophet...but the Messiah?  God?  Oh no - no no no we just don't believe that.  Why?  No idea.  We just don't.  Period.  The end.

So I start reading...I'm on a mission to come up with my defense for my Jesus loving best friend to explain why she's wrong and I'm right.  I am on a mission to come up with answers for my son.  I'm on a mission to figure out what I believe and why.  I'm looking for proof that Jesus is NOT the Messiah.  Looking for proof that there is ONE and ONLY ONE God.  Not a 3-in-1 situation.  Just ONE. 

To make a very long story short.  My mission backfired on me.  I ended up reading all kinds of stuff, including the New Testament.  This guy Jesus had some GOOD stuff.  You can't argue that.  You just can't.  I mean really - the 2 basic things this guy drove home was to love your God with all your heart, mind, body, soul...and to treat others the way you want to be treated.  You can't argue with that.  It's good stuff.  Logic and intellect eventually led to more...one book led to another book. One conversation with a believer led to another.  I started going to a Bible study with some Christian friends.  And now...I'm a believer. In Jesus.  As the Messiah.  I did not just wake up one day and say "I think I'm going to believe in Jesus."  Why would I do that?  Why would I WANT to give my mother a heart attack?  Why would I WANT to explain to my entire family and all my Jewish friends that I was going against everything I was raised to believe?  Well, I don't. And I haven't.  I'm trying to find the courage and the strength.  I don't have it yet.  But I do have faith.  I have faith that God is real and that He sent His one and only Son Jesus to live among us and to try to knock some sense into the Jews, of which He was one, lived as one, taught as one...and came to save.  I believe.  Now what?