I know at some point, someone is going to read my blog...or hear about my beliefs that contradict how I was raised...and will question whether or not I was "talked into" this change of heart by close friends. They'll somehow think I was "sucked in" or "swayed" or that I just wanted to be a sheep and follow the herd.
I'll admit that I went through periods of my life where I wanted to fit in and be liked by my peers and be friends with the "cool" kids and so I would sometimes try to be what/who I thought I needed to be to fit in. But for the most part, I've always been a "go against the grain" kind of person. I never got sucked into fashion fads, I never "had" to have what everyone else had....and I certainly never let all the people in my life who have tried to convince me to believe in this political party or that religion - and there have been many who have tried - sway me. I'm stubborn - with a capital "S."
This whole journey, while maybe sparked by conversations with my best friend, has been completely my own soul searching, fact finding mission to figure out who I am and what I believe and why I should or shouldn't believe what I was raised to be. I've always been one to "look things up" or research to find out stuff - rather than to just believe what I hear. I've often had views that were unpopular with the people around me - and I've often had to defend myself and stick to my guns about those views. I want to feel confident in what I'm saying so I don't just spout stuff out without something to back up what I say or how I feel. Maybe I should have been a lawyer. EWWW - no way.
Anyway, I didn't come to believe in Jesus, and certainly didn't start looking into this whole thing...to be a sheep. If anything, I could have just stayed a sheep in Judaism and never questioned anything and just followed along with what I was raised to believe. That actually would have been the easier road to take, for the record.
Here I am though, going against the grain, trying to be a Shepherd, not a sheep (at least to people...because I know that I am a sheep of God). Trying to figure out my own way without letting people on either side of this influence me in one direction or another. Granted, I haven't really given my family and Jewish friends the opportunity yet to try to "talk me out" of this because I've been too much of a coward to tell them. But I guarantee you, while I will always listen to and respect others opinions and I'll always have an open mind...the only one that can sway me or change my heart is God - and He already has. Once truth is known, it's hard to turn back from that truth...even when believing it and following it can lead to a lot of turmoil...
Monday, September 10, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Intellectual Truth vs. Experiential Truth
So I've been attending a church on a fairly regular basis for a while - honestly I don't exactly know how long but I think about a year maybe. Tonight I attended the first of a 10 week class that kind of explores Christianity and is for anyone from an atheist to a lifelong Christian.
I've read a lot of books. I mentioned a few of them in my last post. Here are a few more..."Love Wins" by Rob Bell, "The Shack" by William P. Young and "The Case for Christ" by Lee Strobel. In "The Case for Christ" - this guy Lee, a journalist by trade, investigates the claims of Jesus and the New Testament. Kind of like "investigative reporting" I guess. He's on a mission to see what all the hoopla is about that converted his wife into a Christian and he goes around the country interviewing many experts in various fields, like History, Psychology, Theology, etc etc. He's I think trying to find a loop hole somewhere or a crack that will bring the whole idea of Jesus down like the Temple in Jerusalem. I can relate to this - I was kind of looking for that myself. I was looking for the reasons I could tell my best friend and others why I, as a Jew, didn't buy this stuff about Jesus being the Son of God, the Messiah.
What I found instead, was a whole lot of intellectual evidence (truth) that points to the contrary of what I was looking for. It points to Jesus being the only one that COULD be the Messiah. He may not fit the "mold" of what the Jews (and others) THOUGHT the Messiah would be and do, but He sure fits the part - the way God had intended and laid it all out to fit and not necessarily the way people thought it was all going to shake down. So I have all of this intellectual belief about Jesus...good stuff, intellectual truth. But people, Christians, talk about this "relationship" with God, through Jesus and with the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit. Say huh?
I'm not sure really what that means. How do I have a relationship with this dude that died, rose again and then went on up to Heaven (I keep hearing the theme song to the Jefferson's in my head when I think about his Ascension - He's moving on up...). Anyway...He's not here, now, on earth. I can't see Him or touch Him. He's not tangible. How do I have a relationship with this dude? This is the experiential truth. I see people experiencing Him every day. I see my neighbor, who is one of my best friends - she has this tremendous faith in God. She lives it, breathes it, talks about it, prays about it, raises her family in it...His radiance absolutely shines through her in everything she does and in who she is. She has a relationship with Jesus that is incredible. I dare say I envy this. I want this. I know it's wrong to want what others have but I mean - wanting this type of faith in God has to be a good kind of "coveting" - right? This is kind of where I am right now. I'm sort of in a place where I want to experience God - and honestly I have experienced Him in my life - many times actually, if I sit and think about it. And when I do sit and think about those things, I'm in awe that He would care that much about me to show me in those ways. But I want that kind of every day relationship. Like with my best friend. I talk to her pretty much every day - I either call her, or she calls me, or we text each other - or we hang out. It's a great relationship. I enjoy it. I enjoy relationships with my family and my other friends too - they are real, tangible, and meaningful. So then how do I go about getting that kind of relationship with a God that I can't call up on the phone, send a text to, hang out with...how does that work?
I know that the more I'm in His word - reading either the Bible or daily emails I get or books about faith - doing bible studies, talking about Him with people - this is all good and it helps me to feel Him with me and know that He's there. I know intellectually. I experience occasionally. I want to have it all - the intellectual and the experiential relationship with God. I'm working on that. I wish there were some magic formula for how this works. Just sit in the middle of the park looking at the lake, read something in the Bible, talk to God and listen for Him to answer...then do what He says. That would be lovely. Can I get some of that for now and some to go please?
Here's to hoping that I can find the recipe, and hold on to it and pass it down from generation to generation. Cheers!
I've read a lot of books. I mentioned a few of them in my last post. Here are a few more..."Love Wins" by Rob Bell, "The Shack" by William P. Young and "The Case for Christ" by Lee Strobel. In "The Case for Christ" - this guy Lee, a journalist by trade, investigates the claims of Jesus and the New Testament. Kind of like "investigative reporting" I guess. He's on a mission to see what all the hoopla is about that converted his wife into a Christian and he goes around the country interviewing many experts in various fields, like History, Psychology, Theology, etc etc. He's I think trying to find a loop hole somewhere or a crack that will bring the whole idea of Jesus down like the Temple in Jerusalem. I can relate to this - I was kind of looking for that myself. I was looking for the reasons I could tell my best friend and others why I, as a Jew, didn't buy this stuff about Jesus being the Son of God, the Messiah.
What I found instead, was a whole lot of intellectual evidence (truth) that points to the contrary of what I was looking for. It points to Jesus being the only one that COULD be the Messiah. He may not fit the "mold" of what the Jews (and others) THOUGHT the Messiah would be and do, but He sure fits the part - the way God had intended and laid it all out to fit and not necessarily the way people thought it was all going to shake down. So I have all of this intellectual belief about Jesus...good stuff, intellectual truth. But people, Christians, talk about this "relationship" with God, through Jesus and with the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit. Say huh?
I'm not sure really what that means. How do I have a relationship with this dude that died, rose again and then went on up to Heaven (I keep hearing the theme song to the Jefferson's in my head when I think about his Ascension - He's moving on up...). Anyway...He's not here, now, on earth. I can't see Him or touch Him. He's not tangible. How do I have a relationship with this dude? This is the experiential truth. I see people experiencing Him every day. I see my neighbor, who is one of my best friends - she has this tremendous faith in God. She lives it, breathes it, talks about it, prays about it, raises her family in it...His radiance absolutely shines through her in everything she does and in who she is. She has a relationship with Jesus that is incredible. I dare say I envy this. I want this. I know it's wrong to want what others have but I mean - wanting this type of faith in God has to be a good kind of "coveting" - right? This is kind of where I am right now. I'm sort of in a place where I want to experience God - and honestly I have experienced Him in my life - many times actually, if I sit and think about it. And when I do sit and think about those things, I'm in awe that He would care that much about me to show me in those ways. But I want that kind of every day relationship. Like with my best friend. I talk to her pretty much every day - I either call her, or she calls me, or we text each other - or we hang out. It's a great relationship. I enjoy it. I enjoy relationships with my family and my other friends too - they are real, tangible, and meaningful. So then how do I go about getting that kind of relationship with a God that I can't call up on the phone, send a text to, hang out with...how does that work?
I know that the more I'm in His word - reading either the Bible or daily emails I get or books about faith - doing bible studies, talking about Him with people - this is all good and it helps me to feel Him with me and know that He's there. I know intellectually. I experience occasionally. I want to have it all - the intellectual and the experiential relationship with God. I'm working on that. I wish there were some magic formula for how this works. Just sit in the middle of the park looking at the lake, read something in the Bible, talk to God and listen for Him to answer...then do what He says. That would be lovely. Can I get some of that for now and some to go please?
Here's to hoping that I can find the recipe, and hold on to it and pass it down from generation to generation. Cheers!
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Living a double life
I started out this whole journey by trying to find answers to why the Jews didn't believe Jesus was the Messiah. I went to the library and checked out a book titled "Why the Jews Rejected Jesus" by David Klinghoffer. I figured I'd find my answers in that book...so I read it...and I wasn't convinced. Frankly, it didn't seem that the author was very convinced himself, even though he was a Jew who doesn't believe that Jesus fulfilled the Messianic prophecies, and he did a whole lot of research to explain why. I wasn't buying it. God - He's in charge - He is GOD - He can do ANYTHING any way He wants to.
I finished that book and wanted to read the Bible. The Bible is a pretty darn big book - in case you haven't read it. So I started with "The Bible for Dummies" which was a pretty scaled back version of both the Old and New Testaments. It was the first time I'd ever read anything of the New Testament. This Jesus guy had GOOD STUFF. I mean even the Jews have never argued that he was a good guy with good stuff. My mom told me that my grandpa used to say that "He was one of our guys who did good." Ok so anyway, I read the that book...and then I wanted more.
I'm not sure what order I read the next several books, but I read "The Message" by Eugene Peterson, which was the New Testament in language easy to understand. Somewhere in all this, and through conversations with my best friend and my neighbor, also one of the most amazing friends I've ever had...I just started to believe this stuff had to be true. First off, why would SO many Jews literally put their lives on the line to follow this guy if He wasn't the real deal? They suffered, a LOT...they totally could have stayed in their cozy little Jewish lives and just pretend they never saw or knew that Jesus was who He said He was. It would have been SOOO much easier. Paul - this Jewish guy named Saul - was going around PERSECUTING people for believing that Jesus was The Messiah. He was a big shot, he had power, he had a nice cozy life. He was on the Damascus road and Jesus - the dead Jesus that had already died on the cross, stopped him dead in his tracks and from that point on, Paul completely did a 360 - totally gave up his cozy life with all that power and spent the rest of his life spreading the word about Jesus to as many people as he could - first to the Jews who mostly didn't believe him and then to Gentiles. He was beaten, he was jailed, he literally gave up EVERYTHING to spread the word. Why? Why would Paul, why would the appointed disciples be willing to suffer and die for someone that wasn't who he said he was?
Anyway, I started to believe. I read "The Daily Message" by Eugene Peterson - which is the ENTIRE bible, Old and New Testaments in a very easy to read format. The Old Testament - the Jewish bible - taught me SO much I can't even begin to explain - about who God is and how many chances He has given us (the Jews, the Chosen People) to follow Him and how many times we have turned our backs on Him. He shows His faithfulness all throughout the Old Testament - I even would read passages in my Grandma's bible - the "Jewish" version of the Old Testament to make sure this guy was accurately translating things. There is an unbelievable amount of "evidence" in the Old Testament ...I don't know what else to call it - but so much points to the Messiah - and Jesus is the ONLY one that this evidence could refer to. Ok, first of all - can I just point out that in the beginning of Genesis, it clearly states "let us create man in our image." That was God talking - God said "let US create man in OUR image." HELLO...knock, knock. Who is US? The Jews say there is ONE and ONLY ONE God - the Jews don't believe in the trinity. But in the beginning God said "let US create man in OUR image." I mean right there, with that one statement, I'm not sure how I could go on NOT believing there's a trinity situation going on here. There's no way I could possibly go over ALL of the stuff in the Old Testament that points to Jesus being the Messiah...but there's alot. And it's convincing me...
By this point, I had started listening to a Christian radio station and fell in love with the music. I'm reading more books. I'm doing a bible study on the Patriarchs with my awesome neighbor/friend, my best friend, and a couple other great gals. Week after week, I'm reading more, I'm wanting more, I'm believing more. I had a Holy Spirit moment in my kitchen one day while working on my bible study that sent SHIVERS down my spine. I read more, I'm amazed more, I can't believe that this is happening. Then there's this rub. This guilt. This feeling that I can't tell my family and Jewish friends what I'm reading and learning and believing. But I want to...and I feel like I have to. I can't bear the thought of the disappointment, of the lectures, of the whispers behind my back. I continue to learn, to read, to believe. I start going to church. Yes, me - a Jew - going to church. I love going but I also feel this overwhelming sense of guilt every time I do go. I read "Girl Meets God" by Lauren Winner - and oh can I relate to this girl and her struggles with her conversion from Judaism to Christianity...the loss she's suffered because of her belief. UGH. I'm living a double life. I'm telling Christian friends about my faith journey and I'm still going to church and doing more bible studies and reading more and believing more. But I'm also feeling myself pulling away from my family and the Jews in general. I'm afraid to tell them - not because I'm afraid they will disown me, but because the disappointment that I'm facing is more than I can take. I want to be free. I want to stop living this double life. But I can't. And I don't. I'm still there. Still in this rub. I pray all the time that somehow, someway, some day, I'll find the right time and the right words to start the conversations with my family. But for now, I am just living this double life. Feeling this heavy weight on my heart. Wanting to be free.
I finished that book and wanted to read the Bible. The Bible is a pretty darn big book - in case you haven't read it. So I started with "The Bible for Dummies" which was a pretty scaled back version of both the Old and New Testaments. It was the first time I'd ever read anything of the New Testament. This Jesus guy had GOOD STUFF. I mean even the Jews have never argued that he was a good guy with good stuff. My mom told me that my grandpa used to say that "He was one of our guys who did good." Ok so anyway, I read the that book...and then I wanted more.
I'm not sure what order I read the next several books, but I read "The Message" by Eugene Peterson, which was the New Testament in language easy to understand. Somewhere in all this, and through conversations with my best friend and my neighbor, also one of the most amazing friends I've ever had...I just started to believe this stuff had to be true. First off, why would SO many Jews literally put their lives on the line to follow this guy if He wasn't the real deal? They suffered, a LOT...they totally could have stayed in their cozy little Jewish lives and just pretend they never saw or knew that Jesus was who He said He was. It would have been SOOO much easier. Paul - this Jewish guy named Saul - was going around PERSECUTING people for believing that Jesus was The Messiah. He was a big shot, he had power, he had a nice cozy life. He was on the Damascus road and Jesus - the dead Jesus that had already died on the cross, stopped him dead in his tracks and from that point on, Paul completely did a 360 - totally gave up his cozy life with all that power and spent the rest of his life spreading the word about Jesus to as many people as he could - first to the Jews who mostly didn't believe him and then to Gentiles. He was beaten, he was jailed, he literally gave up EVERYTHING to spread the word. Why? Why would Paul, why would the appointed disciples be willing to suffer and die for someone that wasn't who he said he was?
Anyway, I started to believe. I read "The Daily Message" by Eugene Peterson - which is the ENTIRE bible, Old and New Testaments in a very easy to read format. The Old Testament - the Jewish bible - taught me SO much I can't even begin to explain - about who God is and how many chances He has given us (the Jews, the Chosen People) to follow Him and how many times we have turned our backs on Him. He shows His faithfulness all throughout the Old Testament - I even would read passages in my Grandma's bible - the "Jewish" version of the Old Testament to make sure this guy was accurately translating things. There is an unbelievable amount of "evidence" in the Old Testament ...I don't know what else to call it - but so much points to the Messiah - and Jesus is the ONLY one that this evidence could refer to. Ok, first of all - can I just point out that in the beginning of Genesis, it clearly states "let us create man in our image." That was God talking - God said "let US create man in OUR image." HELLO...knock, knock. Who is US? The Jews say there is ONE and ONLY ONE God - the Jews don't believe in the trinity. But in the beginning God said "let US create man in OUR image." I mean right there, with that one statement, I'm not sure how I could go on NOT believing there's a trinity situation going on here. There's no way I could possibly go over ALL of the stuff in the Old Testament that points to Jesus being the Messiah...but there's alot. And it's convincing me...
By this point, I had started listening to a Christian radio station and fell in love with the music. I'm reading more books. I'm doing a bible study on the Patriarchs with my awesome neighbor/friend, my best friend, and a couple other great gals. Week after week, I'm reading more, I'm wanting more, I'm believing more. I had a Holy Spirit moment in my kitchen one day while working on my bible study that sent SHIVERS down my spine. I read more, I'm amazed more, I can't believe that this is happening. Then there's this rub. This guilt. This feeling that I can't tell my family and Jewish friends what I'm reading and learning and believing. But I want to...and I feel like I have to. I can't bear the thought of the disappointment, of the lectures, of the whispers behind my back. I continue to learn, to read, to believe. I start going to church. Yes, me - a Jew - going to church. I love going but I also feel this overwhelming sense of guilt every time I do go. I read "Girl Meets God" by Lauren Winner - and oh can I relate to this girl and her struggles with her conversion from Judaism to Christianity...the loss she's suffered because of her belief. UGH. I'm living a double life. I'm telling Christian friends about my faith journey and I'm still going to church and doing more bible studies and reading more and believing more. But I'm also feeling myself pulling away from my family and the Jews in general. I'm afraid to tell them - not because I'm afraid they will disown me, but because the disappointment that I'm facing is more than I can take. I want to be free. I want to stop living this double life. But I can't. And I don't. I'm still there. Still in this rub. I pray all the time that somehow, someway, some day, I'll find the right time and the right words to start the conversations with my family. But for now, I am just living this double life. Feeling this heavy weight on my heart. Wanting to be free.
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