I started out this whole journey by trying to find answers to why the Jews didn't believe Jesus was the Messiah. I went to the library and checked out a book titled "Why the Jews Rejected Jesus" by David Klinghoffer. I figured I'd find my answers in that book...so I read it...and I wasn't convinced. Frankly, it didn't seem that the author was very convinced himself, even though he was a Jew who doesn't believe that Jesus fulfilled the Messianic prophecies, and he did a whole lot of research to explain why. I wasn't buying it. God - He's in charge - He is GOD - He can do ANYTHING any way He wants to.
I finished that book and wanted to read the Bible. The Bible is a pretty darn big book - in case you haven't read it. So I started with "The Bible for Dummies" which was a pretty scaled back version of both the Old and New Testaments. It was the first time I'd ever read anything of the New Testament. This Jesus guy had GOOD STUFF. I mean even the Jews have never argued that he was a good guy with good stuff. My mom told me that my grandpa used to say that "He was one of our guys who did good." Ok so anyway, I read the that book...and then I wanted more.
I'm not sure what order I read the next several books, but I read "The Message" by Eugene Peterson, which was the New Testament in language easy to understand. Somewhere in all this, and through conversations with my best friend and my neighbor, also one of the most amazing friends I've ever had...I just started to believe this stuff had to be true. First off, why would SO many Jews literally put their lives on the line to follow this guy if He wasn't the real deal? They suffered, a LOT...they totally could have stayed in their cozy little Jewish lives and just pretend they never saw or knew that Jesus was who He said He was. It would have been SOOO much easier. Paul - this Jewish guy named Saul - was going around PERSECUTING people for believing that Jesus was The Messiah. He was a big shot, he had power, he had a nice cozy life. He was on the Damascus road and Jesus - the dead Jesus that had already died on the cross, stopped him dead in his tracks and from that point on, Paul completely did a 360 - totally gave up his cozy life with all that power and spent the rest of his life spreading the word about Jesus to as many people as he could - first to the Jews who mostly didn't believe him and then to Gentiles. He was beaten, he was jailed, he literally gave up EVERYTHING to spread the word. Why? Why would Paul, why would the appointed disciples be willing to suffer and die for someone that wasn't who he said he was?
Anyway, I started to believe. I read "The Daily Message" by Eugene Peterson - which is the ENTIRE bible, Old and New Testaments in a very easy to read format. The Old Testament - the Jewish bible - taught me SO much I can't even begin to explain - about who God is and how many chances He has given us (the Jews, the Chosen People) to follow Him and how many times we have turned our backs on Him. He shows His faithfulness all throughout the Old Testament - I even would read passages in my Grandma's bible - the "Jewish" version of the Old Testament to make sure this guy was accurately translating things. There is an unbelievable amount of "evidence" in the Old Testament ...I don't know what else to call it - but so much points to the Messiah - and Jesus is the ONLY one that this evidence could refer to. Ok, first of all - can I just point out that in the beginning of Genesis, it clearly states "let us create man in our image." That was God talking - God said "let US create man in OUR image." HELLO...knock, knock. Who is US? The Jews say there is ONE and ONLY ONE God - the Jews don't believe in the trinity. But in the beginning God said "let US create man in OUR image." I mean right there, with that one statement, I'm not sure how I could go on NOT believing there's a trinity situation going on here. There's no way I could possibly go over ALL of the stuff in the Old Testament that points to Jesus being the Messiah...but there's alot. And it's convincing me...
By this point, I had started listening to a Christian radio station and fell in love with the music. I'm reading more books. I'm doing a bible study on the Patriarchs with my awesome neighbor/friend, my best friend, and a couple other great gals. Week after week, I'm reading more, I'm wanting more, I'm believing more. I had a Holy Spirit moment in my kitchen one day while working on my bible study that sent SHIVERS down my spine. I read more, I'm amazed more, I can't believe that this is happening. Then there's this rub. This guilt. This feeling that I can't tell my family and Jewish friends what I'm reading and learning and believing. But I want to...and I feel like I have to. I can't bear the thought of the disappointment, of the lectures, of the whispers behind my back. I continue to learn, to read, to believe. I start going to church. Yes, me - a Jew - going to church. I love going but I also feel this overwhelming sense of guilt every time I do go. I read "Girl Meets God" by Lauren Winner - and oh can I relate to this girl and her struggles with her conversion from Judaism to Christianity...the loss she's suffered because of her belief. UGH. I'm living a double life. I'm telling Christian friends about my faith journey and I'm still going to church and doing more bible studies and reading more and believing more. But I'm also feeling myself pulling away from my family and the Jews in general. I'm afraid to tell them - not because I'm afraid they will disown me, but because the disappointment that I'm facing is more than I can take. I want to be free. I want to stop living this double life. But I can't. And I don't. I'm still there. Still in this rub. I pray all the time that somehow, someway, some day, I'll find the right time and the right words to start the conversations with my family. But for now, I am just living this double life. Feeling this heavy weight on my heart. Wanting to be free.
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