To be or not to be...Baptized

This past week, I got an email from the Pastor at the church I attend asking if I'd like to be Baptized next month. The church is going to be Baptizing several people at this lake at a nearby park, instead of the traditional "tank" that they use at the church. I think my initial reaction to the email was that of paralysis. I just kind of froze. Then I was thinking about it - the idea of doing this at a lake was really cool to me. But, I thought, am I ready to take the plunge? Well, it so happens that my husband and youngest son will be at Scout camp then...if only I'd known about this sooner, I thought - maybe I could have had them choose a different week to attend camp. I guess if I'm having doubts about doing this so soon, the fact that my husband and one of my sons wouldn't be able to attend gave me an "out." Or maybe it was a sign that it's not my time yet. Shouldn't I feel peace about this decision? And what does it REALLY mean to be Baptized anyway?

So, I did what I do when I have questions, I started reading stuff. I have been reading up on the history of Baptism. I had known from reading the Old Testament that Baptism was actually a Jewish cleansing ritual back in the day of the Levitical law. In Judaism, there is a "mikvah" and here is a little exerpt I found online describing what this is:

In the beginning there was only water. A miraculous compound, it is the primary source and vivifying factor of all sustenance and, by extension, all life as we know it. But Judaism teaches it is more. For these very same attributes -- water as source and sustaining energy -- are mirrored in the spiritual. Water has the power to purify: to restore and replenish life to our essential, spiritual selves.

The mikvah personifies both the womb and the grave; the portals to life and afterlife. In both, the person is stripped of all power and prowess. In both there is a mode of total reliance, complete abdication of control. Immersion in the mikvah can be understood as a symbolic act of self-abnegation, the conscious suspension of the self as an autonomous force. In so doing, the immersing Jew signals a desire to achieve oneness with the source of all life, to return to a primeval unity with G-d. Immersion indicates the abandonment of one form of existence to embrace one infinitely higher. In keeping with this theme, immersion in the mikvah is described not only in terms of purification, revitalization, and rejuvenation but also -- and perhaps primarily -- as rebirth. - http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/1541/jewish/The-Mikvah.htm

I know I'm not an expert, but that sure sounds alot like a Baptism to me. Although there are varying viewpoints of Baptism in the different Christian denominations, I think it's widely held as a "re-birth" or being "born again." From my research:

Water baptism is a way of providing a point in time to which a person can refer to and, in his own mind, remember: He can state with certainty, "That's the day I became a Christian; that's when I was born again. That's the day that I died with Christ; was buried with Him; and was raised to new life with Him. It's the day I became a new creation." - http://myredeemer.org/foundation/baptism/conclusion

I'm just sayin - mikvah...baptism - sounds to me like the same purpose. Dying to self, dying to your old life, and being born again in your new life. Even though baptism is associated with becoming a "Christian" - I think I'm seeing that it's actually a very "Jewish" thing to do. SO am I ready for this? In many ways, I think yes I am and yes I want to do this. Then there's that guilt of how my family and Jewish friends will see this - that whole betrayal and abandonment thing that I've been feeling guilt about. The Pastor attached a four week baptism study for me to do prior to the dunking. I think I'm going to maybe start going through the study and see if I feel if I'm ready for this. I won't be able to do the lake baptism, but maybe the next time it's offered at church, I'll be ready. I think I'm hoping that I'll have some extraordinary encounter with God and that my doubts and fears and guilt of following Jesus will be washed away. I don't know if that will happen or not, but I do know that it will be an outward sign of God's grace in my life, and that it will be done in front of witnesses, and that there will be no turning back for me if I do this...at least that's how I feel about it.

God I really want to acknowledge publicly the transformation that has occurred in my heart and my life since I realized the truth about Jesus. I have been allowing my fears, doubts and guilt to stifle my joy and my acceptance of your grace and mercy. I have let my self-esteem issues make me feel unworthy of your gift of salvation and I have been more concerned about what others think of me than of completely surrending to you and living in your Kingdom right here and right now. I pray that as I go through this Baptism study over the next several weeks, that Your spirit will guide me and answer my question of "to be or not to be...baptized." I pray that I will hear You and acknowledge Your will for me in this incredibly important step in my faith journey. I thank You for Your patience, understanding and love. I am grateful that You would choose to reveal the truth to me and I want to be intentional in how I respond to this truth. I believe, help me with my unbelief. In Jesus name, Amen.

Tired of fighting...

So...I'm sitting here at work reading...alot of stuff. Some of the Bible, some of testimonies of Jews who have come to believe in Jesus as the Messiah. I have a tight, knotted up back like I get when I'm in this battle with myself over whether to jump in and give myself to Him or whether I should just leave it alone and be "Jewish" so I don't have to face my family. I gotta tell you, I'm tired of fighting with myself. I think I'm at a crossroads. I want to just jump in and get it overwith already...but I'm still letting fear get the best of me. I want to do this. I just don't know where to start...

I've been thinking about Baptism. I think I want to do it - but when? Before or after I tell my family? I'm not sure what difference I think it will make but part of me thinks I should at least tell them before I get dunked, to be fair to them or something. Not that I think they'll be attending my Baptism and not that I even think I could tell them that I'm doing it. But then, why not just get Baptized first and then give it all to them at once?

What about the sinner's prayer? If I say that prayer out loud and mean it, will that change anything? Will that give me the strength and the courage I need to tell my people? I think I've said it once in a Bible study but I'm not sure that I really fully knew what I was doing and honestly, if I'm going to really say it and mean it, I want to really know what I'm doing. Kind of like my Bat Mitzvah. I learned to recite prayers and even a portion of the Torah in Hebrew, but did I really truly know what I was doing and fully appreciate the meaning of it? Um, no. I was 12 years old, I really had no idea of the magnitude of what my Bat Mitzvah meant. So if I do say the sinner's prayer - I think I want to be pretty intentional about it and I want it to mean something. Trying to figure out how/where/when to do that is a struggle in itself.

Basically, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of this internal struggle that's been going on for well over a year now. I want this knotted up feeling in my back to disappear, for good. I want to be free. I hear people tell me to just "give it to Him" and to "trust Him." I wish I really knew how to do that, and I wish I could believe it were as easy as they make it sound. I want to hear from God. That's the topic of the sermon the past 2 weeks at church. I'm going to try to be still and to listen to Him in the midst of my crazy life. I'm about to embark on a 4 day journey moving into my sister's house with my mom, my two boys and my 4 nephews while her and her husband are out of town. I'm not sure I'll get much "still" time there, but after that...I'm on a mission to hear from God and to do what He says and to stop fighting with myself.

God I pray that You will hear the plea's of my heart and that You will help me turn myself (back) to You so that I can hear You. I want to accept Your grace and move forward with my life in You. I can't do this on my own accord, all I end up doing is fighting with myself. I need Your direction, I need Your voice, I need Your help. Please help me to stop, to be still, to end the struggle within me and to follow You regardless of what that means for me. Please show me how to pick up my cross and "die to self." Amen.