Tired of fighting...

So...I'm sitting here at work reading...alot of stuff. Some of the Bible, some of testimonies of Jews who have come to believe in Jesus as the Messiah. I have a tight, knotted up back like I get when I'm in this battle with myself over whether to jump in and give myself to Him or whether I should just leave it alone and be "Jewish" so I don't have to face my family. I gotta tell you, I'm tired of fighting with myself. I think I'm at a crossroads. I want to just jump in and get it overwith already...but I'm still letting fear get the best of me. I want to do this. I just don't know where to start...

I've been thinking about Baptism. I think I want to do it - but when? Before or after I tell my family? I'm not sure what difference I think it will make but part of me thinks I should at least tell them before I get dunked, to be fair to them or something. Not that I think they'll be attending my Baptism and not that I even think I could tell them that I'm doing it. But then, why not just get Baptized first and then give it all to them at once?

What about the sinner's prayer? If I say that prayer out loud and mean it, will that change anything? Will that give me the strength and the courage I need to tell my people? I think I've said it once in a Bible study but I'm not sure that I really fully knew what I was doing and honestly, if I'm going to really say it and mean it, I want to really know what I'm doing. Kind of like my Bat Mitzvah. I learned to recite prayers and even a portion of the Torah in Hebrew, but did I really truly know what I was doing and fully appreciate the meaning of it? Um, no. I was 12 years old, I really had no idea of the magnitude of what my Bat Mitzvah meant. So if I do say the sinner's prayer - I think I want to be pretty intentional about it and I want it to mean something. Trying to figure out how/where/when to do that is a struggle in itself.

Basically, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of this internal struggle that's been going on for well over a year now. I want this knotted up feeling in my back to disappear, for good. I want to be free. I hear people tell me to just "give it to Him" and to "trust Him." I wish I really knew how to do that, and I wish I could believe it were as easy as they make it sound. I want to hear from God. That's the topic of the sermon the past 2 weeks at church. I'm going to try to be still and to listen to Him in the midst of my crazy life. I'm about to embark on a 4 day journey moving into my sister's house with my mom, my two boys and my 4 nephews while her and her husband are out of town. I'm not sure I'll get much "still" time there, but after that...I'm on a mission to hear from God and to do what He says and to stop fighting with myself.

God I pray that You will hear the plea's of my heart and that You will help me turn myself (back) to You so that I can hear You. I want to accept Your grace and move forward with my life in You. I can't do this on my own accord, all I end up doing is fighting with myself. I need Your direction, I need Your voice, I need Your help. Please help me to stop, to be still, to end the struggle within me and to follow You regardless of what that means for me. Please show me how to pick up my cross and "die to self." Amen.