Living in Limbo

So, I still haven't told my family and/or Jewish friends about my faith. I also still haven't FULLY accepted the gift of salvation that Jesus has freely given to all of us. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a swimming pool...and I'll dip my foot in, occasionally sit and put both legs in...but just can't...or won't...jump in. I want to and I know if I do it will be awesome, but I'm holding on, holding out. Why? I've been searching my heart for the answer this week. I'm not sure I have "the" answer but I have some ideas...

I read an amazing book called "Betrayed!" by Stan Telchin...this is the overview on the Barnes and Noble website:

"How can you be Jewish and believe in Jesus?"
The Telchins were a happy, close-knit Jewish family until the day their daughter called from college with a shocking revelation: She had become a Christian. Judy's decision prompted her father to set out to disprove the Messiahship of Jesus in order to win her back. To do so, he had to study the Bible for the first time in his life.
In the face of increasingly convincing proofs that Jesus is who He claimed to be, Stan Telchin found himself confronting thousands of years' worth of misunderstanding, hurt and prejudice from both sides. The key question that surfaced was this: How can a Jewish person embrace Jesus and Christianity without turning his back on his own people?
More than thirty years after coming to know Jesus as Messiah, Stan Telchin reflects a passion to celebrate the heritage and culture of the Jewish people while seeking to unite Jews and Gentiles under the love of Messiah Jesus.

So, I think this is one of the reasons that I'm standing on the edge. I don't want to turn my back on my family, on my fellow Jews...on MY Judaism. I'm proud of my heritage, proud to be Jewish. At the same time, I find myself upset with my people for turning their backs on Jesus. He was even rejected by His own family - at least until His Resurrection where they finally saw that He was who He said He was. But alive on earth He felt the rejection of many - I can only imagine how hard that must have been. But, of course, He followed God the Father - He stayed faithful to God and didn't let the rejection get to Him, change His obedience or direction. He jumped in the pool and never looked back, never doubted, never wavered. In "Betrayed!" - the Telchin family also faced a lot of rejection from family and friends and strangers once it was "out" that they believed in Jesus as the Messiah. Like Stan Telchin, I started my journey by researching and looking into why the Jews rejected Jesus...and was out to prove that it couldn't be true. Like Stan Telchin, my mission backfired. He fought it, I fight it. But, the Telchin's followed God, they jumped in the pool and never looked back - at least if they did, they turned right back around and kept moving forward.

There's not a doubt in my mind that I WANT to do the same thing. I want to follow God, I want to praise and worship Jesus as MY Messiah...loud and proud. But I don't want to lose anyone in the process. I love my family - I have 5 amazing nephews and a niece that I adore. I can't fathom the thought of not being involved in their lives because their parents, my siblings, think I'm crazy and I've turned my back on them. It tears me up inside. I have cousins and aunts and uncles and friends that I love and my mom - I can't bear the thought of disappointing her. I know that following God comes at a cost...and it could be a HUGE cost. I know that I need to focus on the eternal, not the temporal perspective. I know that it's not about ME, it's about HIM. I know that my reward in Heaven is great - He tells me so. I know that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I KNOW that the New Testament is the TRUTH, it's the rest of the story. It was prophesied long before Jesus ever walked the face of the earth. There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus IS the Messiah that the Jews are still waiting for. But my heart...is broken in a hundred pieces over the thought of losing the people I love.

I went to a Sunday school class after church the other day and there was one question that the leader asked that led me to break my awkward silence and speak up. The question was whether or not there's a difference between "conversion" and "salvation." I said that I think there is a difference. I said that I'm Jewish, and that I'd like to think that I don't have to "convert" to Christianity to have salvation. The words just blurted forth like they had been pent up in a jar for years. The more I've thought about what I said, the more I've realized that this is part of my hang up. I don't want to lose my Jewish identity, just as much as I don't want to lose my family. It seems so silly to think that I have to give up being a Jew when Jesus was born a Jew, came for the Jews, died a Jew, all the New Testament writers except for Luke were Jews, and the first people to accept and follow Jesus as the Messiah were Jews!!! The Christians, the gentiles, they were grafted in - and I fully believe that Jesus came for them too and in no way, shape or form do I feel inferior to Gentile believers. I feel that the body of Christ is anyone, Jew, Gentile, Muslim, black, white, or anyone else anywhere in the world who believes and follows Jesus as their Messiah.

I'm a Jewish believer in Jesus as the Messiah. I want to fully accept the gift that He has given the world, for me, personally, as much as for anyone else. I don't want to let fear of what other people will think of me keep me from experiencing fully the love, grace and mercy that He offers. I want to give my fears and anxieties and hang ups to God, who wants to take it from me as much as I want to give it to Him. Right now I'm still stuck in limbo because as much as I want to do these things, I continue to let fear keep me on the edge of the pool, afraid to jump in all the way.

God I pray that You will show me the way from limbo to love, from fear to faith, from heartbreak to true joy. I feel that I'm just right there on the edge, wanting to give my life to You and for You. Thank You God for being patient with me, for loving me right where I am and for showing me through your Word, through books I read, and through my relationships with other believers that You are the ONE true God who is worth the cost. I pray that you will soften the hearts of my family and friends so they will not reject me for my beliefs...but more than that I pray that You will strengthen my heart to withstand it if and when it comes. In Jesus' holy name I pray. Amen.