I feel like I've made a breakthrough in my faith journey. I think I feel that I'm ready to let my family know. I wrote them a letter because I've determined through thinking and praying about it ALOT that this is the best way for me and for them to "come out of the closet" so to speak. For one thing, I seem to be able to articulate my thoughts in writing much better than speaking. Often times I have these great thoughts in my head and then when they come out of my mouth...it's like a fumble in a football game. I also tend to get a tad emotional (ok maybe more than a tad) and that tends to get in the way of what I'm trying to say and makes me fumble over my words even more.
So, I have a letter written...and I was thinking about telling my family on my birthday last week because I figured I would only be ruining my own day and not anyone else's. But when I got to my sister's house for the celebration, it just didn't seem or feel right in my gut to do it then. Besides, my best friend pointed out that it might be better to approach them individually rather than in a group setting...I thought that seemed like a better idea. I went home and prayed some more, and I took some advice from my Jewish Jesus believing mentor friend and ordered the book I had mentioned in a previous post "Betrayed!" by Stan Telchin. I am planning on giving this to my mom with my letter...and then emailing the letter to the rest of my immediate family once I know she's had a chance to read it.
I had what I thought was a great opportunity to do this the other day when I asked my sister if I could come over with my youngest son to hang out with her and my nephews in the afternoon. She told me that my mom was there watching the babies in the morning, so I just assumed that since my mom doesn't drive, and I'd be coming over, and since I live closest to my mom, that I would be taking her home when I went home. I was so convinced this was the right time that I texted a whole bunch of my believing friends asking for prayers of strength and courage. Many responded with loving, supportive and encouraging words and scripture verses - and I just felt at peace about it and knew that they were praying for me! I got in my car, grabbed the book and the letter and went on my way. I really felt like I could do this, and figured I'd give it to her when I dropped her off at her apartment and was just trying to work out details in my head about how to do that - but then decided to let God lead. Well, my assumptions were way off. She'd been picked up by a "friend" of hers at my sisters and would be out with him the rest of the day. I guess this wasn't the time either.
So now, I've been thinking, and praying - maybe I feel ready to do this, but maybe God is trying to tell me that THEY are not quite ready to receive this yet. Maybe I need to just really let God lead in this and provide the right opportunity and the right time to give my mom the letter and the book. I have an opportunity coming up in a couple weeks when I'll be picking my mom up from the airport after a visit with my brother and his family. So I'm going to just have the stuff with me to give her and see if God thinks it's the right time or not. As much as I really just want to get this out in the open and be free from the chains that bind me, I also want to be sensitive to them and their readiness. I am sure they'll never truly be ready to receive this and I may never be fully and completely ready to tell them, but if I can trust God, be patient, but also be ready and willing...then I think the right time will come...and I pray sooner rather than later.
God, I am so grateful for Your wisdom, Your timing, and Your patience. I know that if I will let You, You will lead me in this decision of when to tell my family about my faith in Your Son. I want to trust You with this and trust that You will provide the right opportunity at the right time and that You will give me the courage and strength to move when You say move. I have lived my entire life doing things my way, in my time and without consulting You first. This time, I want to do things right. So I ask You to help me be patient, have faith and trust in You. I will really try to be on guard and listen for Your voice, for Your nudging feelings in my gut and that I will follow in obedience. I know that when I do things Your way, it will be good and right...and I understand that doesn't mean it will be good and perfect with my family, but that through the eternal perspective, it will be right. Thanks God for Your promises and Your grace. In Jesus name, Amen.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Monday, July 1, 2013
Gut vs. God
People are always saying that they want to do God's will, they want to do what He says, they want to hear from Him. I've heard people say, "this is what God told me to do" or "this is what I heard the Lord say..." or "I felt led by God to do this or to not do that."
All good stuff. I want that too. I want to know what God's will is for me. I want to hear Him, I want to be led by His spirit in all that I do.
Then there's people who say "go with your gut" or "I just knew in my gut this is what I should do" or "I just felt that this was the right thing in my gut." Or, "if I wouldn't have gone with my gut, this [bad thing] would have happened or "if I would have just gone with my gut, I wouldn't have had this [bad thing] happen.
In nursing school, this "gut" thing got brought up alot. I would ponder over test questions or skills labs and would constantly question myself...and I would hear (sometimes from myself and sometimes from others), "just go with your gut" or "why didn't you go with your gut, you would have been right!" OY VEY!
So, is it Gut vs. God or is it that God gives us our "gut" instincts? Could it be that God is trying to lead us through our "gut?" These are the things I have been pondering lately. It's not because I have intenstinal issues, although I sometimes do, but who doesn't? I just wonder if those "natural" instincts that we have that sometimes seriously gnaw at our insides trying to get us to go with that feeling and not turn back...are God trying to tell us what to do and what not to do.
I am pretty sure I've had a "gut" feeling not to sneak out of my friends house with them in the middle of the night (hypothetically speaking, ahem), but I did it anyway. I was fortunate to not have gotten into trouble or have something bad happen to me, but that whole time, I was feeling pretty guilty and not really having fun. Should I have listened to my gut and said "no I'm not going to sneak out, it's not right." Well, I obviously didn't. Many, many times in my life I've had those "gut" feelings and most of the time, have gone against them...out of stubbornness, spite, selfishness, whatever you want to call it. I have ignored my "gut" more than I have followed it's nagging.
Does this mean that I've been ignoring God and trying to lead myself through life? Honestly, I think it has. Here's my thought...I think that if our "gut" tells us something that lines up with God's word, then it's God trying to lead us to the right decision. I think if our "gut" tells us something that goes against God's word, then maybe that's the devil trying to take over. But if I'm being honest, I'd have to say that usually my "gut" IS telling me something that lines up with God's word - it is trying to tell me what is right and what is wrong and I'm mostly ignoring it and doing my own thing. This is how I think I've lived most of my life. Not to say that I haven't gone with my gut on occasion, I actually think I have gone with it more times than I can think of right now but for the most part, not so much. Especially I think I don't go with my gut when it's going to cause me some major discomfort.
I might have hit on something here. If going with my gut means I don't get to do something I really want to do, don't get to be with someone I really want to be with, or have something I really want to have...or if it means I have to step out of my comfort zone in any way, then it's pretty easy to just ignore or go against my gut, which is probably going against God, eh?
So this faith journey I'm on - talk about a MAJOR intenstinal upset. There are not enough Tums or Prilosec on the face of the earth that can settle this problem. No purple pill can prevent the acid that is rolling around in my "gut" trying to pull me in directions that take me WAY out of my comfort zone. Going to church, thinking about baptism, the mere THOUGHT of having to tell my family about my faith. Jesus - this whole thing is going to take a LOT OF GUTS! I'm lacking in this department and this is why I'm constantly wrestling with myself and my gut and my God. I don't have the guts to face what I know my gut, my God is trying to get me to face. I just don't. I want to have the guts, I want to follow my God. When I have "gone with my gut" and gotten up on a Sunday morning and gone to church, even when my guilt is trying to keep me in bed, it's always turned out to be a good thing to go. Every time there's been a unique experience or the right sermon or the right readings or songs or the right person saying the right things at the right times. I KNOW this in my gut, and in my heart, and in my mind. SO why can't I go with my gut in the WHOLE shebang - why can't I just go for it, go for Jesus, go full throttle into this faith and this journey towards reconciliation and salvation? Because I don't have the guts.
God, this is my prayer to you right now, that You will give me the "guts" that I need to face all of this and that You will place into my "gut" the instincts that line up to Your word and that You will give me the strength to step out of my comfort zone and follow those instincts that You've given me, and not to turn back. Whatever that means...and however hard that will be. Because I know in my mind that following You and surrendering to You will be eternally good and right and awesome, and I even think I somehow believe that in my heart...but I'm just having a hard time following my gut, and that's where I need You the most. I pray for Your strength and Your wisdom and Your discernment...and Your courage to pull me through this quicksand I'm sinking in onto Your strong foundation. I pray these things in the name of Jesus Christ, who I believe is the Messiah that was promised to us. God help me to feel free to say that...to anyone and in any circumstance. "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9. Amen.
All good stuff. I want that too. I want to know what God's will is for me. I want to hear Him, I want to be led by His spirit in all that I do.
Then there's people who say "go with your gut" or "I just knew in my gut this is what I should do" or "I just felt that this was the right thing in my gut." Or, "if I wouldn't have gone with my gut, this [bad thing] would have happened or "if I would have just gone with my gut, I wouldn't have had this [bad thing] happen.
In nursing school, this "gut" thing got brought up alot. I would ponder over test questions or skills labs and would constantly question myself...and I would hear (sometimes from myself and sometimes from others), "just go with your gut" or "why didn't you go with your gut, you would have been right!" OY VEY!
So, is it Gut vs. God or is it that God gives us our "gut" instincts? Could it be that God is trying to lead us through our "gut?" These are the things I have been pondering lately. It's not because I have intenstinal issues, although I sometimes do, but who doesn't? I just wonder if those "natural" instincts that we have that sometimes seriously gnaw at our insides trying to get us to go with that feeling and not turn back...are God trying to tell us what to do and what not to do.
I am pretty sure I've had a "gut" feeling not to sneak out of my friends house with them in the middle of the night (hypothetically speaking, ahem), but I did it anyway. I was fortunate to not have gotten into trouble or have something bad happen to me, but that whole time, I was feeling pretty guilty and not really having fun. Should I have listened to my gut and said "no I'm not going to sneak out, it's not right." Well, I obviously didn't. Many, many times in my life I've had those "gut" feelings and most of the time, have gone against them...out of stubbornness, spite, selfishness, whatever you want to call it. I have ignored my "gut" more than I have followed it's nagging.
Does this mean that I've been ignoring God and trying to lead myself through life? Honestly, I think it has. Here's my thought...I think that if our "gut" tells us something that lines up with God's word, then it's God trying to lead us to the right decision. I think if our "gut" tells us something that goes against God's word, then maybe that's the devil trying to take over. But if I'm being honest, I'd have to say that usually my "gut" IS telling me something that lines up with God's word - it is trying to tell me what is right and what is wrong and I'm mostly ignoring it and doing my own thing. This is how I think I've lived most of my life. Not to say that I haven't gone with my gut on occasion, I actually think I have gone with it more times than I can think of right now but for the most part, not so much. Especially I think I don't go with my gut when it's going to cause me some major discomfort.
I might have hit on something here. If going with my gut means I don't get to do something I really want to do, don't get to be with someone I really want to be with, or have something I really want to have...or if it means I have to step out of my comfort zone in any way, then it's pretty easy to just ignore or go against my gut, which is probably going against God, eh?
So this faith journey I'm on - talk about a MAJOR intenstinal upset. There are not enough Tums or Prilosec on the face of the earth that can settle this problem. No purple pill can prevent the acid that is rolling around in my "gut" trying to pull me in directions that take me WAY out of my comfort zone. Going to church, thinking about baptism, the mere THOUGHT of having to tell my family about my faith. Jesus - this whole thing is going to take a LOT OF GUTS! I'm lacking in this department and this is why I'm constantly wrestling with myself and my gut and my God. I don't have the guts to face what I know my gut, my God is trying to get me to face. I just don't. I want to have the guts, I want to follow my God. When I have "gone with my gut" and gotten up on a Sunday morning and gone to church, even when my guilt is trying to keep me in bed, it's always turned out to be a good thing to go. Every time there's been a unique experience or the right sermon or the right readings or songs or the right person saying the right things at the right times. I KNOW this in my gut, and in my heart, and in my mind. SO why can't I go with my gut in the WHOLE shebang - why can't I just go for it, go for Jesus, go full throttle into this faith and this journey towards reconciliation and salvation? Because I don't have the guts.
God, this is my prayer to you right now, that You will give me the "guts" that I need to face all of this and that You will place into my "gut" the instincts that line up to Your word and that You will give me the strength to step out of my comfort zone and follow those instincts that You've given me, and not to turn back. Whatever that means...and however hard that will be. Because I know in my mind that following You and surrendering to You will be eternally good and right and awesome, and I even think I somehow believe that in my heart...but I'm just having a hard time following my gut, and that's where I need You the most. I pray for Your strength and Your wisdom and Your discernment...and Your courage to pull me through this quicksand I'm sinking in onto Your strong foundation. I pray these things in the name of Jesus Christ, who I believe is the Messiah that was promised to us. God help me to feel free to say that...to anyone and in any circumstance. "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9. Amen.
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