I feel like I've made a breakthrough in my faith journey. I think I feel that I'm ready to let my family know. I wrote them a letter because I've determined through thinking and praying about it ALOT that this is the best way for me and for them to "come out of the closet" so to speak. For one thing, I seem to be able to articulate my thoughts in writing much better than speaking. Often times I have these great thoughts in my head and then when they come out of my mouth...it's like a fumble in a football game. I also tend to get a tad emotional (ok maybe more than a tad) and that tends to get in the way of what I'm trying to say and makes me fumble over my words even more.
So, I have a letter written...and I was thinking about telling my family on my birthday last week because I figured I would only be ruining my own day and not anyone else's. But when I got to my sister's house for the celebration, it just didn't seem or feel right in my gut to do it then. Besides, my best friend pointed out that it might be better to approach them individually rather than in a group setting...I thought that seemed like a better idea. I went home and prayed some more, and I took some advice from my Jewish Jesus believing mentor friend and ordered the book I had mentioned in a previous post "Betrayed!" by Stan Telchin. I am planning on giving this to my mom with my letter...and then emailing the letter to the rest of my immediate family once I know she's had a chance to read it.
I had what I thought was a great opportunity to do this the other day when I asked my sister if I could come over with my youngest son to hang out with her and my nephews in the afternoon. She told me that my mom was there watching the babies in the morning, so I just assumed that since my mom doesn't drive, and I'd be coming over, and since I live closest to my mom, that I would be taking her home when I went home. I was so convinced this was the right time that I texted a whole bunch of my believing friends asking for prayers of strength and courage. Many responded with loving, supportive and encouraging words and scripture verses - and I just felt at peace about it and knew that they were praying for me! I got in my car, grabbed the book and the letter and went on my way. I really felt like I could do this, and figured I'd give it to her when I dropped her off at her apartment and was just trying to work out details in my head about how to do that - but then decided to let God lead. Well, my assumptions were way off. She'd been picked up by a "friend" of hers at my sisters and would be out with him the rest of the day. I guess this wasn't the time either.
So now, I've been thinking, and praying - maybe I feel ready to do this, but maybe God is trying to tell me that THEY are not quite ready to receive this yet. Maybe I need to just really let God lead in this and provide the right opportunity and the right time to give my mom the letter and the book. I have an opportunity coming up in a couple weeks when I'll be picking my mom up from the airport after a visit with my brother and his family. So I'm going to just have the stuff with me to give her and see if God thinks it's the right time or not. As much as I really just want to get this out in the open and be free from the chains that bind me, I also want to be sensitive to them and their readiness. I am sure they'll never truly be ready to receive this and I may never be fully and completely ready to tell them, but if I can trust God, be patient, but also be ready and willing...then I think the right time will come...and I pray sooner rather than later.
God, I am so grateful for Your wisdom, Your timing, and Your patience. I know that if I will let You, You will lead me in this decision of when to tell my family about my faith in Your Son. I want to trust You with this and trust that You will provide the right opportunity at the right time and that You will give me the courage and strength to move when You say move. I have lived my entire life doing things my way, in my time and without consulting You first. This time, I want to do things right. So I ask You to help me be patient, have faith and trust in You. I will really try to be on guard and listen for Your voice, for Your nudging feelings in my gut and that I will follow in obedience. I know that when I do things Your way, it will be good and right...and I understand that doesn't mean it will be good and perfect with my family, but that through the eternal perspective, it will be right. Thanks God for Your promises and Your grace. In Jesus name, Amen.
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