Heartbroken...

I've been reading stuff (big surprise) this week. I finished reading "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis - GREAT book by the way! But I also started searching around online for stuff. I just have so much that I want to know and understand...so sometimes I'll search my Bible app for a particular "keyword" and then I'll start reading something, and then I'll have questions, so I'll go online searching for answers, explanations, etc. Sometimes I find good stuff, sometimes I find stuff that starts my mind down the path of doubt. This week brought a little of both.

Here's what this week also brought...alot of heartache over something that really has been bothering me, upsetting me, frustrating me...for a while. It's the whole separation of Judaism and Christianity. The history - there's so much history - of persecution, animocity...that has dragged both Judaism and Christianity through the mud so to speak. We're not really supposed to be these two separate religions! I'm having a really really hard time with this because if it had worked out as it was supposed to have worked out - then there'd be no problem with telling my family I believe in Jesus and the New Testament, cus they would too! We would ALL be celebrating and cherishing the same stuff!!! I found a website that had a lot of really good stuff about this issue and I wanted to share it with whoever out there might be reading my blog. I hope you'll take some time to read this! Would love to read your comments/feedback.

http://www.hebrew4christians.com/Articles/Christendom/christendom.html

As a side note, I think a big reason for why this separation is so heartbreaking for me is that I really don't know where I belong. I mean, I know I belong to God - and my Bible study group makes me feel like I "belong" to/with them, but I am struggling with where I belong as far as in my communal religious life. I have been going to church for quite some time, and I really do like it and I feel...I guess fairly comfortable there, but not completely...I feel like it's missing it's Hebrew/Jewish roots. I mean I know that "the church" is primarily made up of gentile believers who weren't Jewish to begin with, but they were supposed to be "grafted in" to the Jewish faith, not set apart from it. I go to synagogue sometimes and have that "familiar" feeling and comfort because that's how/where I grew up, but I don't feel completely comfortable there either...because there they ONLY live in the Old Testament and don't see, understand or believe in the New Testament and in Jesus as the Messiah. I know there are "messianic" temples - which are mostly Jews who have come to believe in Jesus and the New Testament...and to be fair, I haven't actually gone to a service there - but I'm not really sure that would be my answer either. I want Jews and Christians to come together, truly come together, as we were meant to be. The Christians have much to learn and gain from the Jews and the Jews have much to learn and gain from the Christians. This is what I want, and probably will never see in my lifetime. In the meantime, I hope, I pray, and I am heartbroken.

God and the Devil...and stuff

So my 8 year old son and I had a pretty intense conversation the other day. He's got a lot of questions about God, always has. I have struggled alot with how to answer some of his questions. He tells me that he prays about stuff, sometimes literally crying to God to help him with things, and that God doesn't answer him. It's really hard to explain to an 8 year old that God really is hearing his prayers and He really does care, but that sometimes not answering our prayers actually IS answering our prayers. Confusing, yep. Even to me - I've been struggling with this myself. But, what if a "no" about one thing means a "yes" to something better for us? What if God is actually protecting us from something worse by not helping us with something else? So, I spent a few minutes trying to explain THAT to him - which was difficult and he still just doesn't understand why God can't simply make everything better for everyone, because hello, he's GOD.

Then I started talking about sin, and the devil and how God never wanted all these bad things to happen to people, but He gave us free will and He's kind of just letting us figure things out and wants very much for us to believe in and follow Him, but that He will not FORCE us to. In the beginning, Adam and Eve were tempted in the Garden of Eden by the devil, and ever since then, we have sinned. Even though God doesn't really like us to sin or want us to sin, He wants us to realize our need for Him to help us turn from it. He's also made a way for us to be forgiven of our sin through the ultimate holy sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. It seems the devil (a fallen Angel who wanted to BE God) has established a permanent residence on earth, and God is allowing him to tempt us, just as he allowed him to tempt Jesus. Here's the really cool part...WE are actually the ones that can give the devil his power or take it away. This is where my conversation with my son got really intense. Trying to explain the temptations of the devil, such as fear, doubt, greed, power...there are tons of ways that the devil tries to trip us up and get us to follow him instead of God. It is a constant, relentless pursuit of our hearts and our minds, our bodies and our souls. We are not perfect, and it is so easy to sin because it gives us what we think we want...pleasure, possessions, passion, money, health, etc...the list goes on and on. Everything that is temporal and temporary can be ours - for a price. I'm not saying that all things of this life are bad for us. But if we focus too much on those things and not enough on God...and if we don't rely on, pray to, believe in and follow God, these things can overtake us and thus, sin.

So these are concepts that really weren't taught in my Jewish upbringing. My mom always said we don't believe in the devil or hell. Funny thing though, if you read the Old Testament, there's a WHOLE lot of stuff about the devil. Just do a search for the word "evil" in your phone's Bible app. There's about a bazillion references to the "evil one" in the Old Testament. So, um, who's the evil one if it's not the devil? Through my reading, through my bible studies, through my conversations with my girlfriends, I think I have come to a fairly decent understanding of the devil. I also think I've come to a fairly decent understanding of God. I have struggled with the whole idea of the devil because of my upbringing, but I think I'm finally starting to get it. We are sinners, tempted by the devil to commit sins of the mind, body, heart and soul...and God had given us multiple opportunities, signs and wonders to try to get us to turn from sin (Old Testament). We didn't turn from sin, and we think since there's no way for us to be perfect, we can't turn from sin...so we either keep on sinning, ignoring God, or we really try to do things (good deeds, following religious laws, etc) to "impress" God and earn favor with Him. The heart is the key. If the mouth speaks words and the body does actions that give the illusion that we are following God, but we don't feel it in our hearts, then it's almost just as bad as blatantly sinning. The answer...Jesus. The single, holy, perfect sacrifice that God made on our behalf so that we could be forgiven our sins, past, present and future and that by following God..truly following God, we will WANT to do and speak the things of love that God is all about. The devil will always pursue us and will try to drive a wedge between us and our relationship with God. But we can take away his power. We have the Holy Spirit available to intervene, guide and protect us and keep us on a path away from sin and toward the light of God.

As for me, I'm trying to head towards the light. I don't do it perfectly, and I'm sure I never will...but I can feel the change in my heart and it's awesome and way better than anything I could get from the devil. It gives me a sense of peace, of gratitude and of love that I never imagined I could have. Even though I still haven't told my family about my faith, I'm still able to find some of that peace I was referring to in a post a few months back. I know that the guilt I have about Jesus vs. Judaism is the devil trying to get me to turn back. The reality is, it's not Jesus vs. Judaism, it's God vs. the devil.

On being Jewish...and stuff.

So it's apparent that my sister knows more than I may have thought. I had told her about a year ago that I was doing a Bible study - and then she found those emails on my computer that I mentioned in an earlier post. Mostly we just don't discuss anything about religion or faith...but once in a while she either lets me know how disappointed she is that my 13 year old son isn't having a Bar Mitzvah...or she reminds me that "we're Jewish" in a very angry tone, as if somehow I forgot who I was.

This brings me to something that's been on my mind and heart for a long time. I'm Jewish. That hasn't changed. Just as Jesus was born a Jew and died a Jew, so will I. I've never once said or thought about denouncing my Judaism. I'm proud to be a member of God's "chosen" people. I'm not sure I feel so much connected to the "religion" of Judaism as the culture and the traditions of being Jewish. The fact is, throughout the history of the world, many nations and peoples have tried to destroy...completely wipe out...every last Jew on the planet. This has basically led to a strong sense of urgency among the remaining Jews, especially in recent history since the Holocaust, to hold on to every last Jew standing. This is one of the reasons that interfaith marriages haven't been embraced so much...we're afraid of losing our people not just to genocide, but to mixed marriages where children aren't raised as Jews. There's such a desperation that synagogues and Jewish organizations have reached out to interfaith families and have accepted children with a non-Jewish mother as Jewish too - even though according to Jewish law, children are ALWAYS the religion of the mother. There are groups to help support non-Jewish wives to include them, support them, teach them Jewish customs and traditions, etc. I have several members of my family who have married non-Jews (myself included). One thing I've noticed is that every non Jew that comes into the family seems to embrace Judaism and is either ok with raising their children Jewish, or just feel so pressured by the family that maybe they believe this is the only way to be accepted by everyone.

There's no doubt that there are lots of really cool customs, holidays, traditions, foods - etc that make Judaism very appealing. My own husband has always embraced my Judaism...in fact he loves the family gatherings for the holidays, he has learned some of the prayers we say in Hebrew, he was totally fine with us sending our kids to a Jewish preschool and would have supported my sending them to Sunday and Hebrew school if I had chosen to do so. He's kind of "assimilated" into our Jewish culture - and my family loves him, they LOVE the latkes (potato pancakes) he makes for Hanukkah so much that they insist he make them every year. Since my grandma passed, he's also played a huge role in making the donuts at our Hanukkah celebrations. He's become quite familiar with the Passover Seder and he knows just enough Yiddish words and phrases to make people wonder if he really is Jewish.

The fact is, being Jewish can be a lot of fun, and it's different and special because most of our society is secular. When Jesus was here, he was called Rabbi (teacher), he prayed to God regularly, he observed the Jewish holidays...in fact the Last Supper was indeed a Passover meal that he was sharing with his Jewish disciples. He came as a Jew for the Jews, and he tried to teach the Jews of that time, the Pharisees and Sadducees, about the Kingdom of God. He saw that they were so focused on the laws (refer to the Torah, the 5 books of Moses), that they were not living in the Kingdom of God. He tried to show them the way to truly follow God was not to be so legalistic that they couldn't even fathom or allow tending to a man who had been beaten and left for dead because it was the "Sabbath" - the day of rest. Jesus tried to show them that following God is a heart thing, and it's about love - not just loving those who followed all the rules, memorized prayers, sacrificed the right animals at the right time...but loving EVERYONE. Loving sinners, loving prostitutes, tax collectors, enemies.

Jesus came to fulfill the law that they had been following so meticulously that their hearts were actually hardened towards those who didn't follow it like they thought they should. He came to give them the new covenant because it was clear to God that the covenant by which they had been living wasn't changing their hearts. If you read the Old Testament, you will see how many times God performed miracles, protected the Jews, saved them from slavery...tried to show them the way...and how many times they forgot all God did for them and turned their backs on Him...sinning so horribly that He allowed them to suffer at the hands of their enemies, and then they'd repent and beg for His help and protection...and so He would save them, again - this cycle continued over and over. Just read the books of Kings and Chronicles...you'll see what I'm talking about. Even today Israel and Jews all over the world are fighting to keep what God promised us. By all principles of statistics and logic, the Jews should have been obliterated by now. You know why we're still here? Because God made a promise to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and He has kept his promise. He will never allow the Jews to be wiped out. This is good news!

The problem is that He sent His Son here to show us the way to a relationship with Him...how to live in the Kingdom of God right now...and that message has been ignored by most of the Jews while gentiles worldwide have embraced it. We're not meant to be following all these separate religions, Jews, Christians, Muslims, etc...we're all supposed to be God's people, following God's example of love and living in a relationship with Him and with each other. We should ALL be celebrating together. Jesus didn't come to start a new religion, but to take up our sins, be the final living sacrifice to God and set us free so we could live together for each other and for God. When I celebrate Passover next week with my family, I'll be thinking about how Jesus celebrated that last Passover meal on earth, thankful that I'm a Jew, and thankful that I know that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. I'll be wishing my family and Jewish brothers and sisters around the world would come to know this too and that we can all live in the Kingdom together...with no one having to "remind" us who we are, because we're all the same, God's children. Just as God intended it. Amen!


When the hour came, Jesus and his apostles reclined at the table. And he said to them,

“I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. For I tell you, I will not eat it again until it finds fulfillment in the kingdom of God.”

After taking the cup, he gave thanks and said,

“Take this and divide it among you. For I tell you I will not drink again of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes.”

And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying,

“This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.”

In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying,

“This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you. But the hand of him who is going to betray me is with mine on the table. The Son of Man will go as it has been decreed, but woe to that man who betrays him.”

Being the Light

Jesus said to them, “Does anyone bring in a lamp in order to put it under a basket or a bed? Shouldn’t it be placed on a lampstand? Mark 4:20-22 Until recently, I've been reading that verse and thinking that it means I need to tell EVERYONE, including my Jewish family and friends, about coming to Christ in my faith. It's been tearing me up that I know that I should be proclaiming the good news to everyone...all this guilt that I have and knowing how disappointed people will be in me has prevented me from shouting it from the mountaintops. However, I think my perspective on this verse has shifted a bit in the last couple of months. Why can't I be the light...just do the things that Jesus did...LOVE and love well. Love the sinners, love the poor, love the people who don't love you. Treat your neighbor as yourself. I don't know about you, but I'd like to be treated well...and whether I ever am or not, it shouldn't stop me from treating others well, from being the light. I don't have to TELL anyone about Jesus, I can SHOW them who Jesus is by my actions and with my heart. I have seen the light in others, I see Jesus everyday in many people - including my awesome bible study girls who have been amazingly supportive and inspirational to me. I can see His light in them, shining so bright...sure, I happen to KNOW that it's because of their faith in God and their walk with Him. But what if I didn't know that? Would I still think they were great people with amazing hearts? You bet I would! Would I be curious to find out what makes them shine so bright? Yep, I would. Is it possible that others might see that light in me and wonder where it's coming from? Yep, sure is possible. Wouldn't that open up a potential path to a conversation where I might give credit to God for the light they see in me? Sure could. Hmm. I think I'm gonna order up some of that LIGHT stuff from the menu, please. I think that it starts with my last post about gratitude and I have started my own gratitude journal. Only have 70 things on that list so far because I haven't been so faithful about writing in it every day...but even when I am not writing things down, I'm constantly walking through my days and nights looking at life through a lens of gratitude and I gotta say, it's pretty awesome what that has done to my heart. Another thing I started doing is to take action on things that stir in my heart. One example is that almost every day I work downtown, there is a homeless man standing on the street off the highway as I exit. It's not always the same man, in fact I don't think I've seen the same one twice so far. Seeing them has tugged on my heart strings for a long time - not just since I've had this job but my whole life whenever I see someone on the streets begging for work or money or food. Unfortunately, our society has this stigma about homeless people...and there's a fear of giving them money because what if they go buy alcohol or cigarettes or drugs with that money? How do I know they aren't just scamming me? Or there's a fear that maybe they'll try to jump into the car and kidnap, rape, murder...whatever. I've been gripped for years by this fear. I've either avoided eye contact or I've walked fast past them or sometimes I've dropped money into their tins, but questioning in my heart what they would do with that money. So, one day, I got off the highway, and remembered I had an extra protein bar in my bag. So I waved the guy standing there over to me and gave him the protein bar. He seemed grateful, I looked him in the eye and said "God bless you sir" and he blessed me right back. I went home and I told my boys and I had this idea that every day I go to work down there, I can pack a bag of food to hand whoever might be standing there, and I asked them to help me pick some things to put into my bag for the next day. So far, I've handed 5 or 6 bags of food to 5 or 6 different men. I have added notes with a prayer or some scripture. I have to say, it feels REALLY good to be able to do SOMETHING for someone else. I hope they eat the food or at least give it to someone else that is hungry. It doesn't matter what they do, I stopped and took the time to look someone in the eye that I used to fear to some degree, to give them something to eat, and to bless them. In my own small little way, I'm showing someone outside of my comfort zone the love of God, the light. In my upbringing, we call this a Mitzvah or good deed. This, according to many Jews...and others, is the way to get to heaven. By doing good deeds. It's actions that get you written into the book of life. The problem with this, is that it's not really about the heart, it's about the deed. Many people like to get credit for their good deeds. They are looking for praise and for someone to acknowledge what they are doing, that's what makes them feel good about it. Honestly, it does make me feel good when someone recognizes that I've done a mitzvah for someone, but it is HUMBLING to just do it when no one is watching and to do it because you feel led by God to serve others in some way. I always think about whether I should tell people when I've done a good deed because I really do not want to seem like I'm boastful or that I'm seeking praise or that I'm a better person because I did something nice for someone, or that this is what's going to get me into heaven. The truth is, heaven is here and now for those of us that want to live in God's kingdom. It's not just some place we go after we die because we did a lot of good stuff in our life on earth. Living in the kingdom means following God, not people. But, there is something valuable, I think, in telling others about things that we do. It gives us ideas of things WE can do for others. I LOVE hearing about what people do for others. My great friend/neighbor that I talk about alot, her husband has told me about some good deeds that he's done for others and it not only warms my heart, but it gives me ideas of things I can do - and he ALWAYS gives the credit to God. I loved a recent story that involved him filling up someone's gas tank while he was waiting for his tank to fill - someone that he could tell was struggling and was only able to pump a certain amount of gas because that's all the money she had. Through something that only God could orchestrate, he was actually "forced" to look around and was able to see this person in need, and quickly offered to fill up her tank. She was so grateful that someone would do that for her. I loved hearing this story because now when I'm at a gas station and in my own little world pumping my gas, I can be on the lookout for someone that could use a full tank. That is what fills my heart and that is how I want to be the light. See a need, be led by God to do something, and do it...not for recognition or for praise or for a plaque on the wall, but to be the light of God in this world full of darkness. I just want to be the light in my words, in my deeds, and especially in my heart. Someday, maybe someone will inquire about this light and it will open up a conversation about Jesus.

Pressing in...

Ok, I've had a lot of time to think and to pray and to struggle with myself and with God over the past couple of months. It's time to stop worrying about when and if my family finds out about my beliefs. It's time to press into life, into my faith, into my relationships with God and people. I had a great conversation with an amazing friend not too long ago. We talked about how to change the way we feel inside, in our hearts, when we know what is right in our heads. I was thinking I had to pretend to be something I'm not and that's not real, it's not how I really feel on the inside. She gave me this great quote, which has kind of inadvertently become my new years resolution - my new life resolution..."We do not think ourselves into a new way of living. We live ourselves into new ways of thinking. Without action and lifestyle decisions, without concrete practices, words are dangerous and largely illusory." Wow. So basically, you just have to press in and do things, that you may not necessarily want to do or feel like doing, but if you do these things, then eventually the way you think, and even feel, will change too. This applies to so many areas of life. It applies to relationships with spouses, kids, friends...it applies to living generously, it applies to spiritual disciplines...to praying, seeking God's will...to everything! Still, that's not always so easy. It's hard to press in when we don't want to...when we're feeling down, defeated, beaten, broken. It's hard to press in when we don't feel we're getting anything in return. That friendship that feels so one-sided, the marriage that feels like it's hopeless, that spiritual struggle that doesn't seem to have a happy ending no matter what path you choose. How do you press into those things? Well, it just so happens that the same friend I had that conversation with told me about this great book she was reading. So I downloaded it on my Nook, and read it...and I'm sure I'll read it again at least a few more times in this next year...it's called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp - talk about a game changer. Gratitude. That's how we press in. More specifically, as Ann puts it, "eucharisteo." Here's what Ann says of eucharisteo... "Eucharisteo, thanksgiving, envelopes the Greek word for grace, charis. But it also holds its derivative, the Greek word chara, meaning "joy." So, in a nutshell, be thankful, give grace, gratitude...and experience joy. I challenge everyone reading this post right now to read this book. If it doesn't change your life, change your perspective on life at least...and on God...and if practicing "eucharisteo" doesn't change your heart - the way you think, the way you feel - then either you have already been doing this your whole life and you don't need to change...or you're not human. Ok maybe a little harsh. Just read the book. You'll see! It's not easy to change your entire focus from what you don't have to what you do have...but I guarantee it's worth trying. Live yourself into a new way of thinking. Press in.

Spiritual Struggle

I have been, as reading all of my previous posts will reveal, in a huge spiritual struggle. During this holiday season, it is probably at an all time high. I stopped reading for a while and I have been going through alot of stuff...personal, emotional, relational and most certainly spiritual. If I posted on here every time I felt I had something to say, question, think or feel, there would be a million posts by now. My mind goes nonstop. My turmoil never pauses. Tonight as I lay in bed, I started searching again...online, for something to help me. I came across this web page, and feel compelled to share it. I hope you...whoever is reading this, will take a few moments to read it because...it is good stuff...and I think true stuff...that makes it more clear how much Christians and Jews are and should be the same. God I pray that somehow, some way, we can all see that the whole story, from Genesis to Revelations is OUR story...all of ours. It is THE story. http://www.christianchallenge.org/easterngate/believers.html

Peace? Please?

I have no peace.  I mean I have some peace.  But for the most part, I don't think I'll ever truly have peace.  I'm not sure if it matters in the end and maybe I'm being selfish...but I wish I had peace - inner peace.  The kind of peace where I feel free to live out my faith, to accept what God has given freely to me.  To be able to  say what's on my heart to anyone, whether Christian, Jew, Buddhist, Atheist...my family...your family...friends...strangers...anyone.  To do this without feeling like I'm pouring salt into wounds or offending someone or making someone angry.

I had a little situation with my sister a little over a week ago.  She was using my computer and happened across my email account that had a lot of Proverbs 31 emails in the inbox.  Proverbs 31 is a ministry for women.  I get these daily inspirational emails that help women deal with life...using scripture and wisdom and stories.  Regardless of what it is, she FREAKED out on me.  "Umm, we're Jewish...there's nothing good about the New Testament...Jesus is NOT our lord and savior..."  in a very angry, hurt tone of voice.  I was caught off guard, I basically told her to chill out, that they were inspirational emails about life and it's ok.  Here's what I wish I'd said instead...

I wish I had asked her first of all, why she was SO angry.  I wish I'd asked her if she'd ever read the New Testament, or even the Old Testament...and how she came to the conclusion that there's nothing good about the New Testament.  I wish I had sat down and talked to her about who Jesus was and what he did and asked her why she was so bitter towards this man who did NO wrong but only good.  This JEWISH man who came to live as a JEW...that came FOR the Jews.  I wish I had told her that the New Testament is the MOST historically accurate document on the face of the earth and that most of the writers of the New Testament were Jewish.  I wish I wasn't such a coward and that I could just face all this head on with no regret, no fear, no shame.  Granted, I don't think that a hormonal, postpartum woman would have received this very well, and it probably wasn't the best time to have that conversation anyway.  But, really - when WILL the best time be?  There's no such thing as the best time to rip the hearts out of the people I love.  I wish it didn't have to be like that.  I wish that they would have open minds and soft hearts to at least consider that if my stubborn self could possibly be convinced of the truth of Jesus...there just might be something to this.

I continually see the disappointed, angry faces of my family members and Jewish friends in my mind.  I see them when I'm listening to Christian music, when I'm sitting in Church on Sunday's, when I'm reading all the good stuff I'm reading about God and everything He has done for all of us.  There is no peace, and I am finding myself trying to keep God at arms length and not allowing myself to fully receive all that He is offering.    The reason I don't have that experiential stuff I mentioned in an earlier post, is because I'm afraid and I feel guilty about believing too much and really letting it all in.  I am unsettled, I am broken, I am a mess.  I know that it's in my broken-ness that I need God the most and that He wants to be in me the most.  Please, God - please help me find peace.  Please.  Amen.