Friday, December 28, 2012
Spiritual Struggle
I have been, as reading all of my previous posts will reveal, in a huge spiritual struggle. During this holiday season, it is probably at an all time high. I stopped reading for a while and I have been going through alot of stuff...personal, emotional, relational and most certainly spiritual. If I posted on here every time I felt I had something to say, question, think or feel, there would be a million posts by now. My mind goes nonstop. My turmoil never pauses. Tonight as I lay in bed, I started searching again...online, for something to help me. I came across this web page, and feel compelled to share it. I hope you...whoever is reading this, will take a few moments to read it because...it is good stuff...and I think true stuff...that makes it more clear how much Christians and Jews are and should be the same. God I pray that somehow, some way, we can all see that the whole story, from Genesis to Revelations is OUR story...all of ours. It is THE story.
http://www.christianchallenge.org/easterngate/believers.html
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Peace? Please?
I have no peace. I mean I have some peace. But for the most part, I don't think I'll ever truly have peace. I'm not sure if it matters in the end and maybe I'm being selfish...but I wish I had peace - inner peace. The kind of peace where I feel free to live out my faith, to accept what God has given freely to me. To be able to say what's on my heart to anyone, whether Christian, Jew, Buddhist, Atheist...my family...your family...friends...strangers...anyone. To do this without feeling like I'm pouring salt into wounds or offending someone or making someone angry.
I had a little situation with my sister a little over a week ago. She was using my computer and happened across my email account that had a lot of Proverbs 31 emails in the inbox. Proverbs 31 is a ministry for women. I get these daily inspirational emails that help women deal with life...using scripture and wisdom and stories. Regardless of what it is, she FREAKED out on me. "Umm, we're Jewish...there's nothing good about the New Testament...Jesus is NOT our lord and savior..." in a very angry, hurt tone of voice. I was caught off guard, I basically told her to chill out, that they were inspirational emails about life and it's ok. Here's what I wish I'd said instead...
I wish I had asked her first of all, why she was SO angry. I wish I'd asked her if she'd ever read the New Testament, or even the Old Testament...and how she came to the conclusion that there's nothing good about the New Testament. I wish I had sat down and talked to her about who Jesus was and what he did and asked her why she was so bitter towards this man who did NO wrong but only good. This JEWISH man who came to live as a JEW...that came FOR the Jews. I wish I had told her that the New Testament is the MOST historically accurate document on the face of the earth and that most of the writers of the New Testament were Jewish. I wish I wasn't such a coward and that I could just face all this head on with no regret, no fear, no shame. Granted, I don't think that a hormonal, postpartum woman would have received this very well, and it probably wasn't the best time to have that conversation anyway. But, really - when WILL the best time be? There's no such thing as the best time to rip the hearts out of the people I love. I wish it didn't have to be like that. I wish that they would have open minds and soft hearts to at least consider that if my stubborn self could possibly be convinced of the truth of Jesus...there just might be something to this.
I continually see the disappointed, angry faces of my family members and Jewish friends in my mind. I see them when I'm listening to Christian music, when I'm sitting in Church on Sunday's, when I'm reading all the good stuff I'm reading about God and everything He has done for all of us. There is no peace, and I am finding myself trying to keep God at arms length and not allowing myself to fully receive all that He is offering. The reason I don't have that experiential stuff I mentioned in an earlier post, is because I'm afraid and I feel guilty about believing too much and really letting it all in. I am unsettled, I am broken, I am a mess. I know that it's in my broken-ness that I need God the most and that He wants to be in me the most. Please, God - please help me find peace. Please. Amen.
I had a little situation with my sister a little over a week ago. She was using my computer and happened across my email account that had a lot of Proverbs 31 emails in the inbox. Proverbs 31 is a ministry for women. I get these daily inspirational emails that help women deal with life...using scripture and wisdom and stories. Regardless of what it is, she FREAKED out on me. "Umm, we're Jewish...there's nothing good about the New Testament...Jesus is NOT our lord and savior..." in a very angry, hurt tone of voice. I was caught off guard, I basically told her to chill out, that they were inspirational emails about life and it's ok. Here's what I wish I'd said instead...
I wish I had asked her first of all, why she was SO angry. I wish I'd asked her if she'd ever read the New Testament, or even the Old Testament...and how she came to the conclusion that there's nothing good about the New Testament. I wish I had sat down and talked to her about who Jesus was and what he did and asked her why she was so bitter towards this man who did NO wrong but only good. This JEWISH man who came to live as a JEW...that came FOR the Jews. I wish I had told her that the New Testament is the MOST historically accurate document on the face of the earth and that most of the writers of the New Testament were Jewish. I wish I wasn't such a coward and that I could just face all this head on with no regret, no fear, no shame. Granted, I don't think that a hormonal, postpartum woman would have received this very well, and it probably wasn't the best time to have that conversation anyway. But, really - when WILL the best time be? There's no such thing as the best time to rip the hearts out of the people I love. I wish it didn't have to be like that. I wish that they would have open minds and soft hearts to at least consider that if my stubborn self could possibly be convinced of the truth of Jesus...there just might be something to this.
I continually see the disappointed, angry faces of my family members and Jewish friends in my mind. I see them when I'm listening to Christian music, when I'm sitting in Church on Sunday's, when I'm reading all the good stuff I'm reading about God and everything He has done for all of us. There is no peace, and I am finding myself trying to keep God at arms length and not allowing myself to fully receive all that He is offering. The reason I don't have that experiential stuff I mentioned in an earlier post, is because I'm afraid and I feel guilty about believing too much and really letting it all in. I am unsettled, I am broken, I am a mess. I know that it's in my broken-ness that I need God the most and that He wants to be in me the most. Please, God - please help me find peace. Please. Amen.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Down in the Doubts
I know it's been a while since I've posted. It's not that I haven't thought of things to post about...it's that I've been in a little internal struggle - a familiar one to me - where I'm questioning myself, what I'm doing, God, this whole concept of Jesus being the Messiah. You know, just some "light" stuff. It happens a lot. I have all this guilt about turning my back on everything I was raised to believe (or not believe) and about telling the family and the Jewish friends...and then I start to wonder whether this is right. Whether I should just go back to living as a Jew...whatever that actually means. So then I start reading stuff, trying to once again figure out why it is that the Jews don't buy into the Jesus thing. Found a website called "Jews for Judaism" and was reading all these "answers" to the claims of and about Christ. Answers written by people...Rabbis actually. Trying to see where they are coming from. Trying to figure out where I'm coming from. Where the Christians are coming from. Oy vey so much to ponder.
I sat and read some of this stuff with my best friend one day - and it was kinda funny because she started having all these doubts and I was the one that was trying to explain away the explanations the Jews were giving for why Jesus wasn't or couldn't be the Messiah. It was a little role reversal. Not that I still don't have doubts, cus I do. Every day I question myself and question what I believe. I have never doubted the existence of God - it's just that this Jesus thing shakes things up for me - for my life - a LOT. And some days I just wonder if I have it in me to continue on this path, knowing that it's going to lead me to a lot of turmoil in my relationships with the Jewish people in my life. I know that Jesus suffered in this turmoil himself - his own family thought he was crazy. He never wavered in his trust in God - and I wish I had that kind of trust, that kind of faith that...even though I was in for a lot of suffering and turmoil, I could rest in the fact that God had my back and that it would all be ok in the end. One of these days I'll get to that point, I hope - and I'll be able to go through what I need to go through and walk in obedience to what God is calling me to do in my life.
Until that day, I still get down in the doubts. I still question. I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing or not.
God help me. Give me eyes to see, a heart to feel, ears to hear...and wisdom to discern your will for me.
To be continued...
I sat and read some of this stuff with my best friend one day - and it was kinda funny because she started having all these doubts and I was the one that was trying to explain away the explanations the Jews were giving for why Jesus wasn't or couldn't be the Messiah. It was a little role reversal. Not that I still don't have doubts, cus I do. Every day I question myself and question what I believe. I have never doubted the existence of God - it's just that this Jesus thing shakes things up for me - for my life - a LOT. And some days I just wonder if I have it in me to continue on this path, knowing that it's going to lead me to a lot of turmoil in my relationships with the Jewish people in my life. I know that Jesus suffered in this turmoil himself - his own family thought he was crazy. He never wavered in his trust in God - and I wish I had that kind of trust, that kind of faith that...even though I was in for a lot of suffering and turmoil, I could rest in the fact that God had my back and that it would all be ok in the end. One of these days I'll get to that point, I hope - and I'll be able to go through what I need to go through and walk in obedience to what God is calling me to do in my life.
Until that day, I still get down in the doubts. I still question. I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing or not.
God help me. Give me eyes to see, a heart to feel, ears to hear...and wisdom to discern your will for me.
To be continued...
Monday, September 10, 2012
Sheep or Shepherd?
I know at some point, someone is going to read my blog...or hear about my beliefs that contradict how I was raised...and will question whether or not I was "talked into" this change of heart by close friends. They'll somehow think I was "sucked in" or "swayed" or that I just wanted to be a sheep and follow the herd.
I'll admit that I went through periods of my life where I wanted to fit in and be liked by my peers and be friends with the "cool" kids and so I would sometimes try to be what/who I thought I needed to be to fit in. But for the most part, I've always been a "go against the grain" kind of person. I never got sucked into fashion fads, I never "had" to have what everyone else had....and I certainly never let all the people in my life who have tried to convince me to believe in this political party or that religion - and there have been many who have tried - sway me. I'm stubborn - with a capital "S."
This whole journey, while maybe sparked by conversations with my best friend, has been completely my own soul searching, fact finding mission to figure out who I am and what I believe and why I should or shouldn't believe what I was raised to be. I've always been one to "look things up" or research to find out stuff - rather than to just believe what I hear. I've often had views that were unpopular with the people around me - and I've often had to defend myself and stick to my guns about those views. I want to feel confident in what I'm saying so I don't just spout stuff out without something to back up what I say or how I feel. Maybe I should have been a lawyer. EWWW - no way.
Anyway, I didn't come to believe in Jesus, and certainly didn't start looking into this whole thing...to be a sheep. If anything, I could have just stayed a sheep in Judaism and never questioned anything and just followed along with what I was raised to believe. That actually would have been the easier road to take, for the record.
Here I am though, going against the grain, trying to be a Shepherd, not a sheep (at least to people...because I know that I am a sheep of God). Trying to figure out my own way without letting people on either side of this influence me in one direction or another. Granted, I haven't really given my family and Jewish friends the opportunity yet to try to "talk me out" of this because I've been too much of a coward to tell them. But I guarantee you, while I will always listen to and respect others opinions and I'll always have an open mind...the only one that can sway me or change my heart is God - and He already has. Once truth is known, it's hard to turn back from that truth...even when believing it and following it can lead to a lot of turmoil...
I'll admit that I went through periods of my life where I wanted to fit in and be liked by my peers and be friends with the "cool" kids and so I would sometimes try to be what/who I thought I needed to be to fit in. But for the most part, I've always been a "go against the grain" kind of person. I never got sucked into fashion fads, I never "had" to have what everyone else had....and I certainly never let all the people in my life who have tried to convince me to believe in this political party or that religion - and there have been many who have tried - sway me. I'm stubborn - with a capital "S."
This whole journey, while maybe sparked by conversations with my best friend, has been completely my own soul searching, fact finding mission to figure out who I am and what I believe and why I should or shouldn't believe what I was raised to be. I've always been one to "look things up" or research to find out stuff - rather than to just believe what I hear. I've often had views that were unpopular with the people around me - and I've often had to defend myself and stick to my guns about those views. I want to feel confident in what I'm saying so I don't just spout stuff out without something to back up what I say or how I feel. Maybe I should have been a lawyer. EWWW - no way.
Anyway, I didn't come to believe in Jesus, and certainly didn't start looking into this whole thing...to be a sheep. If anything, I could have just stayed a sheep in Judaism and never questioned anything and just followed along with what I was raised to believe. That actually would have been the easier road to take, for the record.
Here I am though, going against the grain, trying to be a Shepherd, not a sheep (at least to people...because I know that I am a sheep of God). Trying to figure out my own way without letting people on either side of this influence me in one direction or another. Granted, I haven't really given my family and Jewish friends the opportunity yet to try to "talk me out" of this because I've been too much of a coward to tell them. But I guarantee you, while I will always listen to and respect others opinions and I'll always have an open mind...the only one that can sway me or change my heart is God - and He already has. Once truth is known, it's hard to turn back from that truth...even when believing it and following it can lead to a lot of turmoil...
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Intellectual Truth vs. Experiential Truth
So I've been attending a church on a fairly regular basis for a while - honestly I don't exactly know how long but I think about a year maybe. Tonight I attended the first of a 10 week class that kind of explores Christianity and is for anyone from an atheist to a lifelong Christian.
I've read a lot of books. I mentioned a few of them in my last post. Here are a few more..."Love Wins" by Rob Bell, "The Shack" by William P. Young and "The Case for Christ" by Lee Strobel. In "The Case for Christ" - this guy Lee, a journalist by trade, investigates the claims of Jesus and the New Testament. Kind of like "investigative reporting" I guess. He's on a mission to see what all the hoopla is about that converted his wife into a Christian and he goes around the country interviewing many experts in various fields, like History, Psychology, Theology, etc etc. He's I think trying to find a loop hole somewhere or a crack that will bring the whole idea of Jesus down like the Temple in Jerusalem. I can relate to this - I was kind of looking for that myself. I was looking for the reasons I could tell my best friend and others why I, as a Jew, didn't buy this stuff about Jesus being the Son of God, the Messiah.
What I found instead, was a whole lot of intellectual evidence (truth) that points to the contrary of what I was looking for. It points to Jesus being the only one that COULD be the Messiah. He may not fit the "mold" of what the Jews (and others) THOUGHT the Messiah would be and do, but He sure fits the part - the way God had intended and laid it all out to fit and not necessarily the way people thought it was all going to shake down. So I have all of this intellectual belief about Jesus...good stuff, intellectual truth. But people, Christians, talk about this "relationship" with God, through Jesus and with the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit. Say huh?
I'm not sure really what that means. How do I have a relationship with this dude that died, rose again and then went on up to Heaven (I keep hearing the theme song to the Jefferson's in my head when I think about his Ascension - He's moving on up...). Anyway...He's not here, now, on earth. I can't see Him or touch Him. He's not tangible. How do I have a relationship with this dude? This is the experiential truth. I see people experiencing Him every day. I see my neighbor, who is one of my best friends - she has this tremendous faith in God. She lives it, breathes it, talks about it, prays about it, raises her family in it...His radiance absolutely shines through her in everything she does and in who she is. She has a relationship with Jesus that is incredible. I dare say I envy this. I want this. I know it's wrong to want what others have but I mean - wanting this type of faith in God has to be a good kind of "coveting" - right? This is kind of where I am right now. I'm sort of in a place where I want to experience God - and honestly I have experienced Him in my life - many times actually, if I sit and think about it. And when I do sit and think about those things, I'm in awe that He would care that much about me to show me in those ways. But I want that kind of every day relationship. Like with my best friend. I talk to her pretty much every day - I either call her, or she calls me, or we text each other - or we hang out. It's a great relationship. I enjoy it. I enjoy relationships with my family and my other friends too - they are real, tangible, and meaningful. So then how do I go about getting that kind of relationship with a God that I can't call up on the phone, send a text to, hang out with...how does that work?
I know that the more I'm in His word - reading either the Bible or daily emails I get or books about faith - doing bible studies, talking about Him with people - this is all good and it helps me to feel Him with me and know that He's there. I know intellectually. I experience occasionally. I want to have it all - the intellectual and the experiential relationship with God. I'm working on that. I wish there were some magic formula for how this works. Just sit in the middle of the park looking at the lake, read something in the Bible, talk to God and listen for Him to answer...then do what He says. That would be lovely. Can I get some of that for now and some to go please?
Here's to hoping that I can find the recipe, and hold on to it and pass it down from generation to generation. Cheers!
I've read a lot of books. I mentioned a few of them in my last post. Here are a few more..."Love Wins" by Rob Bell, "The Shack" by William P. Young and "The Case for Christ" by Lee Strobel. In "The Case for Christ" - this guy Lee, a journalist by trade, investigates the claims of Jesus and the New Testament. Kind of like "investigative reporting" I guess. He's on a mission to see what all the hoopla is about that converted his wife into a Christian and he goes around the country interviewing many experts in various fields, like History, Psychology, Theology, etc etc. He's I think trying to find a loop hole somewhere or a crack that will bring the whole idea of Jesus down like the Temple in Jerusalem. I can relate to this - I was kind of looking for that myself. I was looking for the reasons I could tell my best friend and others why I, as a Jew, didn't buy this stuff about Jesus being the Son of God, the Messiah.
What I found instead, was a whole lot of intellectual evidence (truth) that points to the contrary of what I was looking for. It points to Jesus being the only one that COULD be the Messiah. He may not fit the "mold" of what the Jews (and others) THOUGHT the Messiah would be and do, but He sure fits the part - the way God had intended and laid it all out to fit and not necessarily the way people thought it was all going to shake down. So I have all of this intellectual belief about Jesus...good stuff, intellectual truth. But people, Christians, talk about this "relationship" with God, through Jesus and with the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit. Say huh?
I'm not sure really what that means. How do I have a relationship with this dude that died, rose again and then went on up to Heaven (I keep hearing the theme song to the Jefferson's in my head when I think about his Ascension - He's moving on up...). Anyway...He's not here, now, on earth. I can't see Him or touch Him. He's not tangible. How do I have a relationship with this dude? This is the experiential truth. I see people experiencing Him every day. I see my neighbor, who is one of my best friends - she has this tremendous faith in God. She lives it, breathes it, talks about it, prays about it, raises her family in it...His radiance absolutely shines through her in everything she does and in who she is. She has a relationship with Jesus that is incredible. I dare say I envy this. I want this. I know it's wrong to want what others have but I mean - wanting this type of faith in God has to be a good kind of "coveting" - right? This is kind of where I am right now. I'm sort of in a place where I want to experience God - and honestly I have experienced Him in my life - many times actually, if I sit and think about it. And when I do sit and think about those things, I'm in awe that He would care that much about me to show me in those ways. But I want that kind of every day relationship. Like with my best friend. I talk to her pretty much every day - I either call her, or she calls me, or we text each other - or we hang out. It's a great relationship. I enjoy it. I enjoy relationships with my family and my other friends too - they are real, tangible, and meaningful. So then how do I go about getting that kind of relationship with a God that I can't call up on the phone, send a text to, hang out with...how does that work?
I know that the more I'm in His word - reading either the Bible or daily emails I get or books about faith - doing bible studies, talking about Him with people - this is all good and it helps me to feel Him with me and know that He's there. I know intellectually. I experience occasionally. I want to have it all - the intellectual and the experiential relationship with God. I'm working on that. I wish there were some magic formula for how this works. Just sit in the middle of the park looking at the lake, read something in the Bible, talk to God and listen for Him to answer...then do what He says. That would be lovely. Can I get some of that for now and some to go please?
Here's to hoping that I can find the recipe, and hold on to it and pass it down from generation to generation. Cheers!
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Living a double life
I started out this whole journey by trying to find answers to why the Jews didn't believe Jesus was the Messiah. I went to the library and checked out a book titled "Why the Jews Rejected Jesus" by David Klinghoffer. I figured I'd find my answers in that book...so I read it...and I wasn't convinced. Frankly, it didn't seem that the author was very convinced himself, even though he was a Jew who doesn't believe that Jesus fulfilled the Messianic prophecies, and he did a whole lot of research to explain why. I wasn't buying it. God - He's in charge - He is GOD - He can do ANYTHING any way He wants to.
I finished that book and wanted to read the Bible. The Bible is a pretty darn big book - in case you haven't read it. So I started with "The Bible for Dummies" which was a pretty scaled back version of both the Old and New Testaments. It was the first time I'd ever read anything of the New Testament. This Jesus guy had GOOD STUFF. I mean even the Jews have never argued that he was a good guy with good stuff. My mom told me that my grandpa used to say that "He was one of our guys who did good." Ok so anyway, I read the that book...and then I wanted more.
I'm not sure what order I read the next several books, but I read "The Message" by Eugene Peterson, which was the New Testament in language easy to understand. Somewhere in all this, and through conversations with my best friend and my neighbor, also one of the most amazing friends I've ever had...I just started to believe this stuff had to be true. First off, why would SO many Jews literally put their lives on the line to follow this guy if He wasn't the real deal? They suffered, a LOT...they totally could have stayed in their cozy little Jewish lives and just pretend they never saw or knew that Jesus was who He said He was. It would have been SOOO much easier. Paul - this Jewish guy named Saul - was going around PERSECUTING people for believing that Jesus was The Messiah. He was a big shot, he had power, he had a nice cozy life. He was on the Damascus road and Jesus - the dead Jesus that had already died on the cross, stopped him dead in his tracks and from that point on, Paul completely did a 360 - totally gave up his cozy life with all that power and spent the rest of his life spreading the word about Jesus to as many people as he could - first to the Jews who mostly didn't believe him and then to Gentiles. He was beaten, he was jailed, he literally gave up EVERYTHING to spread the word. Why? Why would Paul, why would the appointed disciples be willing to suffer and die for someone that wasn't who he said he was?
Anyway, I started to believe. I read "The Daily Message" by Eugene Peterson - which is the ENTIRE bible, Old and New Testaments in a very easy to read format. The Old Testament - the Jewish bible - taught me SO much I can't even begin to explain - about who God is and how many chances He has given us (the Jews, the Chosen People) to follow Him and how many times we have turned our backs on Him. He shows His faithfulness all throughout the Old Testament - I even would read passages in my Grandma's bible - the "Jewish" version of the Old Testament to make sure this guy was accurately translating things. There is an unbelievable amount of "evidence" in the Old Testament ...I don't know what else to call it - but so much points to the Messiah - and Jesus is the ONLY one that this evidence could refer to. Ok, first of all - can I just point out that in the beginning of Genesis, it clearly states "let us create man in our image." That was God talking - God said "let US create man in OUR image." HELLO...knock, knock. Who is US? The Jews say there is ONE and ONLY ONE God - the Jews don't believe in the trinity. But in the beginning God said "let US create man in OUR image." I mean right there, with that one statement, I'm not sure how I could go on NOT believing there's a trinity situation going on here. There's no way I could possibly go over ALL of the stuff in the Old Testament that points to Jesus being the Messiah...but there's alot. And it's convincing me...
By this point, I had started listening to a Christian radio station and fell in love with the music. I'm reading more books. I'm doing a bible study on the Patriarchs with my awesome neighbor/friend, my best friend, and a couple other great gals. Week after week, I'm reading more, I'm wanting more, I'm believing more. I had a Holy Spirit moment in my kitchen one day while working on my bible study that sent SHIVERS down my spine. I read more, I'm amazed more, I can't believe that this is happening. Then there's this rub. This guilt. This feeling that I can't tell my family and Jewish friends what I'm reading and learning and believing. But I want to...and I feel like I have to. I can't bear the thought of the disappointment, of the lectures, of the whispers behind my back. I continue to learn, to read, to believe. I start going to church. Yes, me - a Jew - going to church. I love going but I also feel this overwhelming sense of guilt every time I do go. I read "Girl Meets God" by Lauren Winner - and oh can I relate to this girl and her struggles with her conversion from Judaism to Christianity...the loss she's suffered because of her belief. UGH. I'm living a double life. I'm telling Christian friends about my faith journey and I'm still going to church and doing more bible studies and reading more and believing more. But I'm also feeling myself pulling away from my family and the Jews in general. I'm afraid to tell them - not because I'm afraid they will disown me, but because the disappointment that I'm facing is more than I can take. I want to be free. I want to stop living this double life. But I can't. And I don't. I'm still there. Still in this rub. I pray all the time that somehow, someway, some day, I'll find the right time and the right words to start the conversations with my family. But for now, I am just living this double life. Feeling this heavy weight on my heart. Wanting to be free.
I finished that book and wanted to read the Bible. The Bible is a pretty darn big book - in case you haven't read it. So I started with "The Bible for Dummies" which was a pretty scaled back version of both the Old and New Testaments. It was the first time I'd ever read anything of the New Testament. This Jesus guy had GOOD STUFF. I mean even the Jews have never argued that he was a good guy with good stuff. My mom told me that my grandpa used to say that "He was one of our guys who did good." Ok so anyway, I read the that book...and then I wanted more.
I'm not sure what order I read the next several books, but I read "The Message" by Eugene Peterson, which was the New Testament in language easy to understand. Somewhere in all this, and through conversations with my best friend and my neighbor, also one of the most amazing friends I've ever had...I just started to believe this stuff had to be true. First off, why would SO many Jews literally put their lives on the line to follow this guy if He wasn't the real deal? They suffered, a LOT...they totally could have stayed in their cozy little Jewish lives and just pretend they never saw or knew that Jesus was who He said He was. It would have been SOOO much easier. Paul - this Jewish guy named Saul - was going around PERSECUTING people for believing that Jesus was The Messiah. He was a big shot, he had power, he had a nice cozy life. He was on the Damascus road and Jesus - the dead Jesus that had already died on the cross, stopped him dead in his tracks and from that point on, Paul completely did a 360 - totally gave up his cozy life with all that power and spent the rest of his life spreading the word about Jesus to as many people as he could - first to the Jews who mostly didn't believe him and then to Gentiles. He was beaten, he was jailed, he literally gave up EVERYTHING to spread the word. Why? Why would Paul, why would the appointed disciples be willing to suffer and die for someone that wasn't who he said he was?
Anyway, I started to believe. I read "The Daily Message" by Eugene Peterson - which is the ENTIRE bible, Old and New Testaments in a very easy to read format. The Old Testament - the Jewish bible - taught me SO much I can't even begin to explain - about who God is and how many chances He has given us (the Jews, the Chosen People) to follow Him and how many times we have turned our backs on Him. He shows His faithfulness all throughout the Old Testament - I even would read passages in my Grandma's bible - the "Jewish" version of the Old Testament to make sure this guy was accurately translating things. There is an unbelievable amount of "evidence" in the Old Testament ...I don't know what else to call it - but so much points to the Messiah - and Jesus is the ONLY one that this evidence could refer to. Ok, first of all - can I just point out that in the beginning of Genesis, it clearly states "let us create man in our image." That was God talking - God said "let US create man in OUR image." HELLO...knock, knock. Who is US? The Jews say there is ONE and ONLY ONE God - the Jews don't believe in the trinity. But in the beginning God said "let US create man in OUR image." I mean right there, with that one statement, I'm not sure how I could go on NOT believing there's a trinity situation going on here. There's no way I could possibly go over ALL of the stuff in the Old Testament that points to Jesus being the Messiah...but there's alot. And it's convincing me...
By this point, I had started listening to a Christian radio station and fell in love with the music. I'm reading more books. I'm doing a bible study on the Patriarchs with my awesome neighbor/friend, my best friend, and a couple other great gals. Week after week, I'm reading more, I'm wanting more, I'm believing more. I had a Holy Spirit moment in my kitchen one day while working on my bible study that sent SHIVERS down my spine. I read more, I'm amazed more, I can't believe that this is happening. Then there's this rub. This guilt. This feeling that I can't tell my family and Jewish friends what I'm reading and learning and believing. But I want to...and I feel like I have to. I can't bear the thought of the disappointment, of the lectures, of the whispers behind my back. I continue to learn, to read, to believe. I start going to church. Yes, me - a Jew - going to church. I love going but I also feel this overwhelming sense of guilt every time I do go. I read "Girl Meets God" by Lauren Winner - and oh can I relate to this girl and her struggles with her conversion from Judaism to Christianity...the loss she's suffered because of her belief. UGH. I'm living a double life. I'm telling Christian friends about my faith journey and I'm still going to church and doing more bible studies and reading more and believing more. But I'm also feeling myself pulling away from my family and the Jews in general. I'm afraid to tell them - not because I'm afraid they will disown me, but because the disappointment that I'm facing is more than I can take. I want to be free. I want to stop living this double life. But I can't. And I don't. I'm still there. Still in this rub. I pray all the time that somehow, someway, some day, I'll find the right time and the right words to start the conversations with my family. But for now, I am just living this double life. Feeling this heavy weight on my heart. Wanting to be free.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
So I married a non-Jew...
So I kind of touched on this in my first post, but I met a non-Jewish guy online back in - well I guess 1991 or 1992 for the first time. If you're an Internet buff at all, you might say - wait a minute, the Internet wasn't even around then. You would be correct. Through a friend's boyfriend, I got hooked into this online chat room thing that was just text - no graphics, no point and click - no pictures - just text. Can you imagine?
So I "met" this guy online and we chatted both online and on the phone off and on for over a year - actually longer. We met in person in 1994 and the rest is history. So, he's a non-Jew. I'm a Jew. Fortunately for me, several other relatives in my family had already married non-Jews so it wasn't a huge deal by the time I met him. He was a "non-practicing" non-Jew...and my family loved him.
He was raised Methodist and was Baptized (of his own accord and with no family present) at 12 years old. Somewhere along the line of his life, he lost his faith in God and was anti-organized religion. It turns out that I was pretty much in the same boat myself at the time. Not that I had lost faith in God, but that I was really not a fan of organized religion. It was good that we agreed on this, I thought - because we basically both believed in God so we figured we'd just raise our kids to believe in God and kind of leave out all the other stuff - and to just celebrate the holidays with our respective families. Seemed easy enough. Surely this could work.
Here's kind of how I came to not be a fan of organized religion...other than just never feeling right growing up as a Jew. When we moved to Florida, the temple my parents chose for us to attend left a bad taste in my mouth. It seemed like a lot of "fake" people including the Rabbi were just kind of going through the motions but it felt like more of a fashion show and social time than a "family" or a religion. I can't really explain it but I just didn't feel at home there. I should also note that when I went to Israel in 1988 with my Jewish youth group...and had the opportunity to be around kids my own age, I was introduced to the idea that you don't have to go to a synagogue to be Jewish. The Israeli teens I met felt that since they lived in Israel, the Promised Land, that was enough. I kinda liked this idea - I was tired of being "forced" to attend services during the High Holidays (Rosh Hashanah - the Jewish New Year and Yom Kippur - the day of atonement). I wasn't really sure what the point was of not attending services ever or rarely and then having everyone make such a big deal about attending twice a year - it was like I had to put in my appearance and let the people see that I'm still a Jew...oh, and to ask God to forgive me for all the sins I committed that year. When I think about this idea now that I believe that Jesus came to save us and was the ultimate sacrifice for our sin and that we're already forgiven...it seems even crazier that the Jews spend one day a year asking God to forgive them...and pretty much just turn around and live the same way they'd been living. Granted, I'm sure there are MANY Jews who take this very seriously and who truly do try to turn from sin. I know I personally always went back to living the same way, came to ask forgiveness at the High Holidays...and around and around. I never felt different. I never felt committed to changing...it was like, eh, ok I asked for forgiveness, I hope He'll forgive me, and I'll be back again next year to ask again.
Anyway - I just wasn't a fan of organized religion. So we got married by a justice of the peace - who happened to be Jewish - in a large dinner theater at the school I worked at - we did a unity candle ceremony with the mom's and he crushed the glass at the end and there was a big "Mazel Tov" and yee-hawing. A very non-religious ceremony with a little something from his and a little something from mine thrown in.
Don't get me wrong, I think there are lots of amazing rituals and traditions in Judaism, especially in a wedding ceremony. But we were trying to downplay religion - in our ceremony - and in our lives. Oh if I could go back and know then what I know now - how different things would be. But I've always believed that everything in life happens for a reason...and everything we do and every experience that we have helps to shape us into who we become. So here I am - 15 years later. Married to the non-Jew who is also really a non-Christian. We've got 2 boys that we have hardly introduced anything of either religion to - except we celebrate holidays with our respective families and they went to a Jewish preschool. Our oldest was 10 years old and the youngest 6 when I started on this little faith journey of mine. Most Jewish parents actually set the Bar/Bat Mitzvah date for their kids when they are 10 - apparently the dates book up fast in the synagogues and there's a few years of prep time before the actual ceremony. This was the time when I started to really seriously look into who I was, what I believed and what in the world I was going to do about my kids and God.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Growing up Jewish
I didn't just wake up one day and decide that I wanted to belive in Jesus. Honestly, believing in Jesus is the last thing a Jewish girl thinks or says or ever dreams about doing. Why? Because that's not what we do. We just don't. You grow up in a Jewish home and you go to Sunday school and Hebrew school and you have a Bat Mitzvah and you marry a Jewish man and you raise Jewish children and then they go to Sunday and Hebrew school and have Bar/Bat Mitzvah's ... and so on and so on.
Well, I did go to to Sunday school and Hebrew school...I had a Bat Mitzvah when I was 12 years old, I was confirmed at the end of the 10th grade from Sunday school, I went to Hebrew High School - kind of like an extension of Sunday and Hebrew school after you are confirmed...you don't have to do it but I got a scholarship at my confirmation ceremony to attend Hebrew High School the next year...so I did. My parents were proud, my grandparents were proud (the ones still alive anyway), all of my relatives were proud. Neither of my siblings even made it to confirmation, let alone going beyond that. I even went to Israel with my Jewish youth group - they didn't go.
I did everything I was supposed to do. Then when I was 22 or 23 I "met" this non Jewish guy online - an agnostic actually - and we hit it off. I lived in Florida, he lived in Oklahoma, but I was totally in love with this guy before we ever even met. When we met, I ended up telling my mom that I was going to Oklahoma to see him - well let me just say that she cried like she did when my grandparents died. Where did she go wrong? How could I be with/date a non Jewish guy? It was a pretty horrible experience. Things didn't end up working out with him...but then a little over a year later, I met this other non Jewish guy that I'd met online - he lived alot closer to me - only about 30 minutes away. By this time, my parents were divorcing and my mom had dated a very nice Southern Baptist man. She was way more accpeting of me dating this guy - not that she liked it. She wanted me to marry a Jewish guy - that's what Jewish mom's want for their kids. That's just the way it is. I ended up marrying this one but that's a story for another day.
I never truly felt connected to the Jews in my Sunday school, Hebrew school, synagogue - I don't even know how to explain it. All I know is that most of my good friends were non Jews my whole life. I think mainly because I went to schools where I was either the only Jew or one of only a few Jews. But still...I never felt like I belonged. Oh well, it's what I am - it's who I am, it's what we do. I would go to High Holiday services and occasionally go to other services at the synagogue mostly to please my mom or grandma. I never really felt connected, I still go sometimes if I'm not working and I like the sermons and I like reading the prayers in English - cus even though I can read Hebrew, translating it as you pray is a whole different ball game...but I still just don't feel like it's who I am...can't explain it.
So when my youngest son is 3 years old, he starts asking questions about God - he's very inquisitive, I don't have all the answers...he asks about Jesus. Oh boy. My best friend that I met in nursing school talks to me about Jesus and her beliefs/faith. We had lots of awesome talks about God and Jesus and Jews and stuff, and between her and my son asking questions...I start asking myself questions. I start reading books, I am looking for something that tells me exactly WHY Jews don't believe in Jesus - I was only told growing up that we don't believe in Jesus, we don't believe the Messiah has come yet, we don't read or believe in the New Testament - really actually "Jesus" is like a bad word - it's like a word you have to whisper under your breath cus we just don't talk about "him" - you know "him" - I mean they say he was a good guy and all - maybe like a prophet...but the Messiah? God? Oh no - no no no we just don't believe that. Why? No idea. We just don't. Period. The end.
So I start reading...I'm on a mission to come up with my defense for my Jesus loving best friend to explain why she's wrong and I'm right. I am on a mission to come up with answers for my son. I'm on a mission to figure out what I believe and why. I'm looking for proof that Jesus is NOT the Messiah. Looking for proof that there is ONE and ONLY ONE God. Not a 3-in-1 situation. Just ONE.
To make a very long story short. My mission backfired on me. I ended up reading all kinds of stuff, including the New Testament. This guy Jesus had some GOOD stuff. You can't argue that. You just can't. I mean really - the 2 basic things this guy drove home was to love your God with all your heart, mind, body, soul...and to treat others the way you want to be treated. You can't argue with that. It's good stuff. Logic and intellect eventually led to more...one book led to another book. One conversation with a believer led to another. I started going to a Bible study with some Christian friends. And now...I'm a believer. In Jesus. As the Messiah. I did not just wake up one day and say "I think I'm going to believe in Jesus." Why would I do that? Why would I WANT to give my mother a heart attack? Why would I WANT to explain to my entire family and all my Jewish friends that I was going against everything I was raised to believe? Well, I don't. And I haven't. I'm trying to find the courage and the strength. I don't have it yet. But I do have faith. I have faith that God is real and that He sent His one and only Son Jesus to live among us and to try to knock some sense into the Jews, of which He was one, lived as one, taught as one...and came to save. I believe. Now what?
Well, I did go to to Sunday school and Hebrew school...I had a Bat Mitzvah when I was 12 years old, I was confirmed at the end of the 10th grade from Sunday school, I went to Hebrew High School - kind of like an extension of Sunday and Hebrew school after you are confirmed...you don't have to do it but I got a scholarship at my confirmation ceremony to attend Hebrew High School the next year...so I did. My parents were proud, my grandparents were proud (the ones still alive anyway), all of my relatives were proud. Neither of my siblings even made it to confirmation, let alone going beyond that. I even went to Israel with my Jewish youth group - they didn't go.
I did everything I was supposed to do. Then when I was 22 or 23 I "met" this non Jewish guy online - an agnostic actually - and we hit it off. I lived in Florida, he lived in Oklahoma, but I was totally in love with this guy before we ever even met. When we met, I ended up telling my mom that I was going to Oklahoma to see him - well let me just say that she cried like she did when my grandparents died. Where did she go wrong? How could I be with/date a non Jewish guy? It was a pretty horrible experience. Things didn't end up working out with him...but then a little over a year later, I met this other non Jewish guy that I'd met online - he lived alot closer to me - only about 30 minutes away. By this time, my parents were divorcing and my mom had dated a very nice Southern Baptist man. She was way more accpeting of me dating this guy - not that she liked it. She wanted me to marry a Jewish guy - that's what Jewish mom's want for their kids. That's just the way it is. I ended up marrying this one but that's a story for another day.
I never truly felt connected to the Jews in my Sunday school, Hebrew school, synagogue - I don't even know how to explain it. All I know is that most of my good friends were non Jews my whole life. I think mainly because I went to schools where I was either the only Jew or one of only a few Jews. But still...I never felt like I belonged. Oh well, it's what I am - it's who I am, it's what we do. I would go to High Holiday services and occasionally go to other services at the synagogue mostly to please my mom or grandma. I never really felt connected, I still go sometimes if I'm not working and I like the sermons and I like reading the prayers in English - cus even though I can read Hebrew, translating it as you pray is a whole different ball game...but I still just don't feel like it's who I am...can't explain it.
So when my youngest son is 3 years old, he starts asking questions about God - he's very inquisitive, I don't have all the answers...he asks about Jesus. Oh boy. My best friend that I met in nursing school talks to me about Jesus and her beliefs/faith. We had lots of awesome talks about God and Jesus and Jews and stuff, and between her and my son asking questions...I start asking myself questions. I start reading books, I am looking for something that tells me exactly WHY Jews don't believe in Jesus - I was only told growing up that we don't believe in Jesus, we don't believe the Messiah has come yet, we don't read or believe in the New Testament - really actually "Jesus" is like a bad word - it's like a word you have to whisper under your breath cus we just don't talk about "him" - you know "him" - I mean they say he was a good guy and all - maybe like a prophet...but the Messiah? God? Oh no - no no no we just don't believe that. Why? No idea. We just don't. Period. The end.
So I start reading...I'm on a mission to come up with my defense for my Jesus loving best friend to explain why she's wrong and I'm right. I am on a mission to come up with answers for my son. I'm on a mission to figure out what I believe and why. I'm looking for proof that Jesus is NOT the Messiah. Looking for proof that there is ONE and ONLY ONE God. Not a 3-in-1 situation. Just ONE.
To make a very long story short. My mission backfired on me. I ended up reading all kinds of stuff, including the New Testament. This guy Jesus had some GOOD stuff. You can't argue that. You just can't. I mean really - the 2 basic things this guy drove home was to love your God with all your heart, mind, body, soul...and to treat others the way you want to be treated. You can't argue with that. It's good stuff. Logic and intellect eventually led to more...one book led to another book. One conversation with a believer led to another. I started going to a Bible study with some Christian friends. And now...I'm a believer. In Jesus. As the Messiah. I did not just wake up one day and say "I think I'm going to believe in Jesus." Why would I do that? Why would I WANT to give my mother a heart attack? Why would I WANT to explain to my entire family and all my Jewish friends that I was going against everything I was raised to believe? Well, I don't. And I haven't. I'm trying to find the courage and the strength. I don't have it yet. But I do have faith. I have faith that God is real and that He sent His one and only Son Jesus to live among us and to try to knock some sense into the Jews, of which He was one, lived as one, taught as one...and came to save. I believe. Now what?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)