I'm all in - and coming out!

Today is Thursday, and as I mentioned in my last post...the deadline I gave myself for writing the letter to my extended family and friends. Letter is written, and I sent to the first group of family members tonight. I'm all in...and I'm coming out. Here's the letter:

Sharing my story...

There is something that I've wanted to share with all of you for some time, and haven't quite known how, when and where as we all live crazy busy lives. There are also SO MANY of you out there that I felt this is the easiest and most direct way to share. I wonder if any of you have ever felt like something in your life was not quite right or that you were missing something. Did you figure it out or find the missing piece? Did you ever have a nagging question burning in your soul and weren't quite sure how to find the answer. Did you research, read a book, Google stuff online to find the answer? Did you ever find the answer? If so, how did you feel when you did?

All my life, I have never been one to blindly follow what others do, think, say, eat, wear, etc. I've always tried to live my own life in my own way...sometimes it's been good, and sometimes not. But whenever I've wanted to or thought about doing anything major or drastic, I have really seriously looked into whatever it was, researching, reading, talking with people. Like when I made the decision to have LapBand surgery, I researched and looked into many options, even trying some other ways of losing weight. My decision came after careful review two years later. When I made the decision to go to nursing school, I looked into various options like LPN vs RN, different schools and requirements, and I made my decision based on many factors. I can honestly say those decisions were two of the best I've ever made. I have no regrets about what I did for my health and for my career change. There were some who thought I was crazy or lazy to have weight loss surgery. Mostly people were very supportive and encouraging. I'm sure some thought I was nuts to go back to school while my boys were so young and I was on the downslide to 40, but mostly people were very supportive and encouraging. I believe that all of my family and friends have seen the positive impact those two decisions have made on my life and feel happy for me that I made those choices. Those decisions led to better health, personal and professional growth, and ultimately, to a happier me.

There's more to a person than body and mind, there's also spirit. And this is where my struggle to find answers and missing pieces came into my life about 7 years ago (looking back, actually long before then). Eric was 3 years old and began asking a lot of questions about G-d. He was incredibly inquisitive. I had some answers based on my upbringing. As most of you know, I had a pretty strong, conservative Jewish family life, attending Sunday and Hebrew school, becoming a Bat Mitzvah, being very involved in the B'nai B'rith youth organization, going to Israel, continuing on in Hebrew high school after confirmation, even taking Hebrew as my foreign language in college. I am so incredibly grateful for this upbringing and have many times regretted not bringing my boys up in the same way. It was pretty difficult between being married to a non Jew (although Jeff would have supported me, he was and is anti organized religion). It was difficult financially to afford Hebrew/Sunday school, it was a far drive...it would have meant having to choose between sports and other activities for my boys or going to synagogue. These are all excuses, I know, but the bottom line is that I didn't want to force my boys and I wanted them to know and appreciate the religious backgrounds of both of their parents. In trying to be kind of "neutral" as far as religion goes, I ended up basically doing nothing more than celebrating holidays with each of our families and attending milestone events in the religious lives of our relatives. I tried explaining holidays and the reasons we celebrated to them and tried to teach them a little Hebrew and some prayers, but I clearly could have done much more, and probably should have. However, we can never go back and change the past, all we can do is move forward.

So when Eric started asking questions about G-d, he also asked about Jesus. This was simply a subject matter I knew very little about, except that Jews didn't believe he was the messiah and Christians did. He was a good guy, but not G-d in my mind and so my simple answer was that mommy's family doesn't believe in Jesus and daddy's does. That was basically the end of it, at least for a while. I started going back to school shortly after that discussion and was so consumed for the next 3 years that I never gave much more thought to anything religious except what we did do, which was celebrating the holidays with family. When Jacob was 10, I started to think about whether or not to have him become a Bar Mitzvah, but I'd never sent him to Sunday or Hebrew school so wasn't sure how I could pull it off but figured I had 3 years. I did seriously consider a tutor and catching him up, but he just really didn't want to do this, and I didn’t want to force it.

So anyway, I continued on in nursing school and graduated, got a job, and many questions surfaced in me...especially a question and answer session about Jesus I had with my boys a couple years earlier. I just told them we didn't believe Jesus was the messiah, and when they asked why, all I could say was "we just don't." I was not satisfied with my answer or in my lack of knowledge and understanding enough to really be able to explain this to my boys. Eric still had a lot of questions too. So I started reading stuff. I got a hold of everything I could find on the reasons that Jewish people rejected Jesus as the messiah. I talked to people; I read many books, I Googled stuff. The more I read, the more questions I had. The more questions I had, the more I read. I didn't really find solid answers. I wasn't convinced about the reasons I read about. I was looking for tangible proof that it wasn't possible for Jesus to be the messiah because in all I ever learned growing up, we (the Jews) were still anticipating the coming of the messiah, but it hadn't happened yet. I tried and tried to find proof, I was determined to understand so I could help my boys understand.

The deeper I got into my research, the more I began to seriously doubt and question the majority Jewish belief that the messiah had not come yet. I decided I should probably read the bible. Because of the overwhelming enormity of the bible, I looked online for some help and came across "The Bible for Dummies." It's basically a synopsis of both the Old Testament (Jewish bible) and the New Testament. I had never touched the New Testament before this. I knew people that lived by that book, but I knew very little about it. I was amazed by what I read. It was actually really good stuff, who knew?

Then I actually read the ENTIRE bible, both Old and New Testaments, while cross referencing what I read with my grandma's Jewish bible that I got when she passed away, to make sure that what I was reading in the "Christian" version matched up. I talked to people, emailed and talked to experts in theology, read a whole ton of books...and somewhere along the line; I realized that my mission was backfiring. Not only could I not find convincing proof, and not only did I find the New Testament to be inspirational and enlightening, but I started to believe in my head and heart that it was truth.

This is where my struggle really got difficult. I was starting to believe something contrary to what I was raised to believe and I knew that this was going to cause some major upheaval in my life. I tried to fight it, ignore it, pretend I never knew about it...I just...I couldn't erase what I'd learned and come to believe. I felt like someone who watched a movie where you're left hanging at the end, and then several years later the sequel comes out and you finally get the whole story. It all just made sense. I realized that I had been missing something my whole life that I could never put my finger on. Part of me wanted to ignore all this and go back to life as “normal” but I just couldn't go back at this point. I was invited to church by a friend and decided to check it out. I loved the service...now, I love the services at synagogue too, but this was different, it felt like putting a puzzle together and seeing the finished picture and thinking how cool that all those random pieces came together to form THIS! It was the Old and New Testaments being brought together to explain a story I never knew the ending to.

I know that by this point, if you are even still reading this...many of you are disappointed, mad, upset and distraught at the thought that I could have fallen for this “mishegas.” You might think I was sucked into a cult or an alternate universe. I can assure you that I did not blindly follow or believe something this incredibly contrary to how I was raised without seriously considering everything...including the fact that I may lose people I love dearly in the process. I don't want to lose any of my family or friends, which is why I have kept it to myself for so long.

I have struggled and gone thru very painful and stressful inner turmoil for the last few years. I have thought that I was or would be seen as turning my back on my family, my people, and my heritage. I never meant for this to happen. I didn't wake up one day thinking “I'm going to believe in Jesus and see how many people I can hurt.” I have been trying to find the courage (chutzpah) to "come out" for quite some time. I have struggled with whether or not I should "come out" and how and to whom. I have come to the conclusion that I'd much rather be the one to tell you than for you to find out some other way.

My immediate family already knows. The reactions have ranged from disappointment, embarrassment, anger, apathy and even to some degree of acceptance. I'm sorry if you feel hurt or offended because of my decisions, that was not the intent of sharing my story. I want you to know that I am and always will be Jewish, and I would love to still participate in all of the Jewish life I've always participated in. I also will continue to participate in the church I attend. I have had some awesome opportunities to share my Jewish background with people who knew little about the Jewish faith before, and I love being able to teach about the Jewish holidays, customs, traditions, etc. I know that I didn't have to tell you any of this, and some or most of you may wish I hadn't. Religion and spirituality are very personal and individual expressions of faith, and we should all feel free to express our beliefs in our own ways...in ways that make sense to us. I have not felt this freedom because I’ve been hiding it from my family and friends to avoid hurting them, and also out of my own fear of losing people I love. I have come to the conclusion that telling you is the right, honest and loving thing to do. Ultimately, I have to answer to a higher authority, and I'm not sorry for what I believe. I have found something that makes me happy, that helps to complete my life’s puzzle and I pray that you will accept me as you always have, even if you cannot or will not accept my choices and beliefs. I promise to continue to love you and pray you'll continue to love me. I thank you for being important, influential and inspirational people in my life and I thank you for taking the time to read my story. I will never force you to talk about this, but am always open for dialogue, discussion, questions and even friendly debate.

Love and peace,

Rachel

Slide or soar...

Is anybody out there? I don't really know who actually reads this blog, or if anyone does. I just thought I'd say hi to anyone who might be reading this, feel free to say hi back by leaving a comment or emailing/texting me if you have that information.

It's been a while since I've posted. I have thought about posting many times, but today is the day. Not only did I decide yesterday that I would post something today, but the topic of my post came to me in this morning's sermon at church, delivered by a chaplain at a local Nazarene university who also attends the church I attend. I have tried to figure out what I wanted to post about for a while. Even though lots of thoughts are constantly swarming around my small mind, I love it when God places the one in my head/heart that I need to write about, at just the right moment. In this sermon, the chaplain, who we'll refer to as "BB," talks about Hebrews (not the people, but the book in the New Testament). BB's sermon brought tears streaming down my face and struck my heart and soul to the core today. Why? Because he talked about how the Jewish Christians back in Rome had a choice to make. They could continue to follow Christianity, knowing that it would not be easy, knowing that they could/would be persecuted in one way or another for following Jesus...or they could just kind of casually "slide" back into Judaism and never talk of this Jesus character again. O.M.G. - this has been my struggle for the past few years. It's my daily struggle. Sometimes it's my minute by minute struggle. Sliding quietly back into Judaism without Jesus. It would be easy...I mean for one thing, the majority of my Jewish family and friends still don't know about my little faith journey. Even if they did, they would welcome me back with open arms, and we'd never have to speak of this Jesus character again. I could get involved in synagogue, in the Jewish women's organization, the Jewish community...my mom would be ecstatic. She would no longer have that look of disappointment on her face every time I see her. She would no longer continue to blame herself and wonder "where she went wrong" in raising me that I would go off the deep end and believe that Jesus was the Messiah. I would belong somewhere. I would fit in.

Yesterday, I attended a brunch at a wonderful woman's home of the ladies group I meet with on Sunday's after the service at church. One of the girls wanted to take a picture of all of us. I had thought about asking her not to post that on Facebook or tag me in the picture, but I figured she knows my story, surely it's just for her or maybe she'll email it to all of us. So last night I'm sitting at home playing a game with my husband and some friends of ours, and an email pops up on my phone to notify me that this friend added a photo of me on Facebook. I panicked, immediately went on and "untagged" myself from the photo and then sent her an email explaining that since I hadn't told the majority of my family and friends about my faith, I didn't want them to find out this way. My heart was RACING, POUNDING. I was mortified at the thought that they would find out this way. The girl that posted it felt horrible and I tried to tell her that she shouldn't feel bad at all, it's my deal and my problem and I'm the one that's been dragging my feet to tell everyone and that it's bound to come out somehow through social media if I don't "come out" on my own. So, all kinds of thoughts are swarming around in my head. "I wonder if anyone saw that before I untagged myself" and/or "what if one of her friends or someone from the church has a friend who I'm related to or who knows me and that I'm Jewish and sees me in a picture posted to a church Facebook page" and "Lord, please don't let anyone see that picture that doesn't know I go to a church." OY VEY. What am I doing? Do I believe that Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice to atone for all of my sins or don't I? If I do, then what am I going to do about it? Sit around and monitor Facebook and social circles being paranoid that someone is going to find out and be disappointed in me or mad at me. OR, am I going to just quietly "slide" back out of the church and into Judaism. OR, am I going to break free from these chains that bind me and soar, freely, in my faith and not worry about what anyone thinks or who finds out???

Just like those early Jewish Christians, I have a choice to make. Am I going to continue to follow Jesus and TRUST Him to work everything out the way He wants it to be worked out, no matter what that costs me...or am I going to slide on back to my old life and forget all that I've learned, all that I've come to believe in, love and accept as truth in my heart?

Here's an interesting little side story...on my birthday a few weeks ago, my sister and I were texting back and forth. This is the sister (my only sister) that has been SO angry and disappointed in me for my beliefs. Somehow, the conversation led to this text from her to me: "I have had a lot of talks with mom helping her to understand your religious beliefs- and believe it or not, I accept your choices and feel glad that u found some missing pieces to your beliefs." She went on to say "I'm on your side - it took a few days for me to think things over and now I get it." Phone.Almost.Dropped.Out.Of.My.Hand.Jaw.On.Floor. "WHAT? is this for real?" I thought. This cannot be for real. My sister is literally the LAST person on the face of the earth that I ever ever ever thought would be "accepting" of my choice to believe in Jesus and attend a church. THE.LAST.PERSON. We talked, she explained more, I was in shock. I still am. Now, she did say that SHE would never go to church and that SHE would never believe that Jesus is the Messiah, that SHE enjoys going to synagogue and SHE is going to raise her children in the synagogue and they will all have Bar Mitzvah's, etc. BUT. If this is what makes me happy, if this what I believe and how I want to live, it's ok, and she's happy that I found something that works for me. She said the writing has been on the wall for years. She gave some examples of things she's noticed I've done or not done over the years and said basically that she's really not surprised. Thinking back, I can definitely see God has been working on me for a LONG time. God works in all of us, but not all of us listen or follow and try to figure out what He wants us to do. As I've said before, I'm not the kind of person who just blindly believes in something. I research, I look into things, I look stuff up, I read. I fought God on this for a long long time. Just like Moses fought against God when he called him to free the Israelite's from slavery. Just like Jonah fought God when He asked him to go to Ninevah, just like a whole lot of other people have fought against God when He asked them to do something that went against what they wanted.

Bear with me here, this post may be getting a little choppy, but I have another story. Today, in my SISTERS class after the service, we were presented with a lesson on holiness. One of the many things that struck me in this lesson was the concept that the presenter referred to as "ownership." We understand ownership. We all own things...cars, houses, computers, toys, clothes, etc. She was talking about how God owns us. He does. He created the world we live in and He created all of us...for a purpose. For HIS purpose. We can either fight against what He wants for our lives, or we can experience the joy, satisfaction, purpose, salvation and eternal life He has for us by just allowing Him to guide us and to own us. Some may be put off by this concept, but to truly understand God, is to know that He doesn't want us to be puppets, He doesn't want to control us for some evil purpose. He has good plans for us and for our life and for His kingdom...but He wants us to submit to His ownership of us for OUR OWN GOOD! There will be storms. The presenter talked about 3 kinds of storms God allows us to experience. There are those storms that are for our perfection (to perfect us into being more like Christ) those for our protection (to protect us from something really bad), and those for our correction (He is, after all, our Father...and we're not perfect, and He sometimes needs to correct us). The storms are not easy, but they are necessary for our story to play out and for the restoration of the world that He promises will come.

Now, back to the topic of my post, and to the choice I need to make. Am I going to slide back into my old life...or am I going to soar on wings like eagles, on God's wings...the One who made me, owns me, and has a purpose for me. I am setting a deadline of this Thursday to write the letter or email or whatever I'm going to do to "come out" to the rest of my family and Jewish friends. God help me, and you, whoever is out there reading this, hold me accountable. I don't want to continue to hide who I am and what I believe. I want to soar. I long to soar. It's time.

Jesus I thank you from the depths of my soul for dying on the cross for my sins. I thank you for pouring your blood out for me so that I could be free, and forgiven, and given new life. I am so sorry that I have wavered, chickened out, hidden in fear and doubted your sovereignty over my life. I am sorry that I have cared more about what people think and will do to me than about bringing glory to you by boldly wearing my faith on my sleeve. I am sorry that I have taken your gifts for granted and continued to slide back into my old ways, or for even thinking about doing so. I pray that you will help me to be brave, to obey, and to weather the storms you allow in my life. I pray that you will bless me with the right words to say to my family and friends, and that you will soften their hearts to hear what I am saying, and what I am not saying. I pray that you will continue to grow me spiritually into the person you want me to be and that my fire and passion for you will continue and will inspire others to want to see who you are for themselves. You have shown me in very real and miraculous ways that you are still in the business of answering prayer. Help me Lord to believe that always, whether I can see it or not, and through all of my storms yet to come. I thank you for all of the amazing people you have placed in my life, and I thank you for your amazing love. In Jesus' name, I say AMEN.