Slide or soar...

Is anybody out there? I don't really know who actually reads this blog, or if anyone does. I just thought I'd say hi to anyone who might be reading this, feel free to say hi back by leaving a comment or emailing/texting me if you have that information.

It's been a while since I've posted. I have thought about posting many times, but today is the day. Not only did I decide yesterday that I would post something today, but the topic of my post came to me in this morning's sermon at church, delivered by a chaplain at a local Nazarene university who also attends the church I attend. I have tried to figure out what I wanted to post about for a while. Even though lots of thoughts are constantly swarming around my small mind, I love it when God places the one in my head/heart that I need to write about, at just the right moment. In this sermon, the chaplain, who we'll refer to as "BB," talks about Hebrews (not the people, but the book in the New Testament). BB's sermon brought tears streaming down my face and struck my heart and soul to the core today. Why? Because he talked about how the Jewish Christians back in Rome had a choice to make. They could continue to follow Christianity, knowing that it would not be easy, knowing that they could/would be persecuted in one way or another for following Jesus...or they could just kind of casually "slide" back into Judaism and never talk of this Jesus character again. O.M.G. - this has been my struggle for the past few years. It's my daily struggle. Sometimes it's my minute by minute struggle. Sliding quietly back into Judaism without Jesus. It would be easy...I mean for one thing, the majority of my Jewish family and friends still don't know about my little faith journey. Even if they did, they would welcome me back with open arms, and we'd never have to speak of this Jesus character again. I could get involved in synagogue, in the Jewish women's organization, the Jewish community...my mom would be ecstatic. She would no longer have that look of disappointment on her face every time I see her. She would no longer continue to blame herself and wonder "where she went wrong" in raising me that I would go off the deep end and believe that Jesus was the Messiah. I would belong somewhere. I would fit in.

Yesterday, I attended a brunch at a wonderful woman's home of the ladies group I meet with on Sunday's after the service at church. One of the girls wanted to take a picture of all of us. I had thought about asking her not to post that on Facebook or tag me in the picture, but I figured she knows my story, surely it's just for her or maybe she'll email it to all of us. So last night I'm sitting at home playing a game with my husband and some friends of ours, and an email pops up on my phone to notify me that this friend added a photo of me on Facebook. I panicked, immediately went on and "untagged" myself from the photo and then sent her an email explaining that since I hadn't told the majority of my family and friends about my faith, I didn't want them to find out this way. My heart was RACING, POUNDING. I was mortified at the thought that they would find out this way. The girl that posted it felt horrible and I tried to tell her that she shouldn't feel bad at all, it's my deal and my problem and I'm the one that's been dragging my feet to tell everyone and that it's bound to come out somehow through social media if I don't "come out" on my own. So, all kinds of thoughts are swarming around in my head. "I wonder if anyone saw that before I untagged myself" and/or "what if one of her friends or someone from the church has a friend who I'm related to or who knows me and that I'm Jewish and sees me in a picture posted to a church Facebook page" and "Lord, please don't let anyone see that picture that doesn't know I go to a church." OY VEY. What am I doing? Do I believe that Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice to atone for all of my sins or don't I? If I do, then what am I going to do about it? Sit around and monitor Facebook and social circles being paranoid that someone is going to find out and be disappointed in me or mad at me. OR, am I going to just quietly "slide" back out of the church and into Judaism. OR, am I going to break free from these chains that bind me and soar, freely, in my faith and not worry about what anyone thinks or who finds out???

Just like those early Jewish Christians, I have a choice to make. Am I going to continue to follow Jesus and TRUST Him to work everything out the way He wants it to be worked out, no matter what that costs me...or am I going to slide on back to my old life and forget all that I've learned, all that I've come to believe in, love and accept as truth in my heart?

Here's an interesting little side story...on my birthday a few weeks ago, my sister and I were texting back and forth. This is the sister (my only sister) that has been SO angry and disappointed in me for my beliefs. Somehow, the conversation led to this text from her to me: "I have had a lot of talks with mom helping her to understand your religious beliefs- and believe it or not, I accept your choices and feel glad that u found some missing pieces to your beliefs." She went on to say "I'm on your side - it took a few days for me to think things over and now I get it." Phone.Almost.Dropped.Out.Of.My.Hand.Jaw.On.Floor. "WHAT? is this for real?" I thought. This cannot be for real. My sister is literally the LAST person on the face of the earth that I ever ever ever thought would be "accepting" of my choice to believe in Jesus and attend a church. THE.LAST.PERSON. We talked, she explained more, I was in shock. I still am. Now, she did say that SHE would never go to church and that SHE would never believe that Jesus is the Messiah, that SHE enjoys going to synagogue and SHE is going to raise her children in the synagogue and they will all have Bar Mitzvah's, etc. BUT. If this is what makes me happy, if this what I believe and how I want to live, it's ok, and she's happy that I found something that works for me. She said the writing has been on the wall for years. She gave some examples of things she's noticed I've done or not done over the years and said basically that she's really not surprised. Thinking back, I can definitely see God has been working on me for a LONG time. God works in all of us, but not all of us listen or follow and try to figure out what He wants us to do. As I've said before, I'm not the kind of person who just blindly believes in something. I research, I look into things, I look stuff up, I read. I fought God on this for a long long time. Just like Moses fought against God when he called him to free the Israelite's from slavery. Just like Jonah fought God when He asked him to go to Ninevah, just like a whole lot of other people have fought against God when He asked them to do something that went against what they wanted.

Bear with me here, this post may be getting a little choppy, but I have another story. Today, in my SISTERS class after the service, we were presented with a lesson on holiness. One of the many things that struck me in this lesson was the concept that the presenter referred to as "ownership." We understand ownership. We all own things...cars, houses, computers, toys, clothes, etc. She was talking about how God owns us. He does. He created the world we live in and He created all of us...for a purpose. For HIS purpose. We can either fight against what He wants for our lives, or we can experience the joy, satisfaction, purpose, salvation and eternal life He has for us by just allowing Him to guide us and to own us. Some may be put off by this concept, but to truly understand God, is to know that He doesn't want us to be puppets, He doesn't want to control us for some evil purpose. He has good plans for us and for our life and for His kingdom...but He wants us to submit to His ownership of us for OUR OWN GOOD! There will be storms. The presenter talked about 3 kinds of storms God allows us to experience. There are those storms that are for our perfection (to perfect us into being more like Christ) those for our protection (to protect us from something really bad), and those for our correction (He is, after all, our Father...and we're not perfect, and He sometimes needs to correct us). The storms are not easy, but they are necessary for our story to play out and for the restoration of the world that He promises will come.

Now, back to the topic of my post, and to the choice I need to make. Am I going to slide back into my old life...or am I going to soar on wings like eagles, on God's wings...the One who made me, owns me, and has a purpose for me. I am setting a deadline of this Thursday to write the letter or email or whatever I'm going to do to "come out" to the rest of my family and Jewish friends. God help me, and you, whoever is out there reading this, hold me accountable. I don't want to continue to hide who I am and what I believe. I want to soar. I long to soar. It's time.

Jesus I thank you from the depths of my soul for dying on the cross for my sins. I thank you for pouring your blood out for me so that I could be free, and forgiven, and given new life. I am so sorry that I have wavered, chickened out, hidden in fear and doubted your sovereignty over my life. I am sorry that I have cared more about what people think and will do to me than about bringing glory to you by boldly wearing my faith on my sleeve. I am sorry that I have taken your gifts for granted and continued to slide back into my old ways, or for even thinking about doing so. I pray that you will help me to be brave, to obey, and to weather the storms you allow in my life. I pray that you will bless me with the right words to say to my family and friends, and that you will soften their hearts to hear what I am saying, and what I am not saying. I pray that you will continue to grow me spiritually into the person you want me to be and that my fire and passion for you will continue and will inspire others to want to see who you are for themselves. You have shown me in very real and miraculous ways that you are still in the business of answering prayer. Help me Lord to believe that always, whether I can see it or not, and through all of my storms yet to come. I thank you for all of the amazing people you have placed in my life, and I thank you for your amazing love. In Jesus' name, I say AMEN.