Today is Thursday, and as I mentioned in my last post...the deadline I gave myself for writing the letter to my extended family and friends. Letter is written, and I sent to the first group of family members tonight. I'm all in...and I'm coming out. Here's the letter:
Sharing my story...
There is something that I've wanted to share with all of you for some time, and haven't quite known how, when and where as we all live crazy busy lives. There are also SO MANY of you out there that I felt this is the easiest and most direct way to share. I wonder if any of you have ever felt like something in your life was not quite right or that you were missing something. Did you figure it out or find the missing piece? Did you ever have a nagging question burning in your soul and weren't quite sure how to find the answer. Did you research, read a book, Google stuff online to find the answer? Did you ever find the answer? If so, how did you feel when you did?
All my life, I have never been one to blindly follow what others do, think, say, eat, wear, etc. I've always tried to live my own life in my own way...sometimes it's been good, and sometimes not. But whenever I've wanted to or thought about doing anything major or drastic, I have really seriously looked into whatever it was, researching, reading, talking with people. Like when I made the decision to have LapBand surgery, I researched and looked into many options, even trying some other ways of losing weight. My decision came after careful review two years later. When I made the decision to go to nursing school, I looked into various options like LPN vs RN, different schools and requirements, and I made my decision based on many factors. I can honestly say those decisions were two of the best I've ever made. I have no regrets about what I did for my health and for my career change. There were some who thought I was crazy or lazy to have weight loss surgery. Mostly people were very supportive and encouraging. I'm sure some thought I was nuts to go back to school while my boys were so young and I was on the downslide to 40, but mostly people were very supportive and encouraging. I believe that all of my family and friends have seen the positive impact those two decisions have made on my life and feel happy for me that I made those choices. Those decisions led to better health, personal and professional growth, and ultimately, to a happier me.
There's more to a person than body and mind, there's also spirit. And this is where my struggle to find answers and missing pieces came into my life about 7 years ago (looking back, actually long before then). Eric was 3 years old and began asking a lot of questions about G-d. He was incredibly inquisitive. I had some answers based on my upbringing. As most of you know, I had a pretty strong, conservative Jewish family life, attending Sunday and Hebrew school, becoming a Bat Mitzvah, being very involved in the B'nai B'rith youth organization, going to Israel, continuing on in Hebrew high school after confirmation, even taking Hebrew as my foreign language in college. I am so incredibly grateful for this upbringing and have many times regretted not bringing my boys up in the same way. It was pretty difficult between being married to a non Jew (although Jeff would have supported me, he was and is anti organized religion). It was difficult financially to afford Hebrew/Sunday school, it was a far drive...it would have meant having to choose between sports and other activities for my boys or going to synagogue. These are all excuses, I know, but the bottom line is that I didn't want to force my boys and I wanted them to know and appreciate the religious backgrounds of both of their parents. In trying to be kind of "neutral" as far as religion goes, I ended up basically doing nothing more than celebrating holidays with each of our families and attending milestone events in the religious lives of our relatives. I tried explaining holidays and the reasons we celebrated to them and tried to teach them a little Hebrew and some prayers, but I clearly could have done much more, and probably should have. However, we can never go back and change the past, all we can do is move forward.
So when Eric started asking questions about G-d, he also asked about Jesus. This was simply a subject matter I knew very little about, except that Jews didn't believe he was the messiah and Christians did. He was a good guy, but not G-d in my mind and so my simple answer was that mommy's family doesn't believe in Jesus and daddy's does. That was basically the end of it, at least for a while. I started going back to school shortly after that discussion and was so consumed for the next 3 years that I never gave much more thought to anything religious except what we did do, which was celebrating the holidays with family. When Jacob was 10, I started to think about whether or not to have him become a Bar Mitzvah, but I'd never sent him to Sunday or Hebrew school so wasn't sure how I could pull it off but figured I had 3 years. I did seriously consider a tutor and catching him up, but he just really didn't want to do this, and I didn’t want to force it.
So anyway, I continued on in nursing school and graduated, got a job, and many questions surfaced in me...especially a question and answer session about Jesus I had with my boys a couple years earlier. I just told them we didn't believe Jesus was the messiah, and when they asked why, all I could say was "we just don't." I was not satisfied with my answer or in my lack of knowledge and understanding enough to really be able to explain this to my boys. Eric still had a lot of questions too. So I started reading stuff. I got a hold of everything I could find on the reasons that Jewish people rejected Jesus as the messiah. I talked to people; I read many books, I Googled stuff. The more I read, the more questions I had. The more questions I had, the more I read. I didn't really find solid answers. I wasn't convinced about the reasons I read about. I was looking for tangible proof that it wasn't possible for Jesus to be the messiah because in all I ever learned growing up, we (the Jews) were still anticipating the coming of the messiah, but it hadn't happened yet. I tried and tried to find proof, I was determined to understand so I could help my boys understand.
The deeper I got into my research, the more I began to seriously doubt and question the majority Jewish belief that the messiah had not come yet. I decided I should probably read the bible. Because of the overwhelming enormity of the bible, I looked online for some help and came across "The Bible for Dummies." It's basically a synopsis of both the Old Testament (Jewish bible) and the New Testament. I had never touched the New Testament before this. I knew people that lived by that book, but I knew very little about it. I was amazed by what I read. It was actually really good stuff, who knew?
Then I actually read the ENTIRE bible, both Old and New Testaments, while cross referencing what I read with my grandma's Jewish bible that I got when she passed away, to make sure that what I was reading in the "Christian" version matched up. I talked to people, emailed and talked to experts in theology, read a whole ton of books...and somewhere along the line; I realized that my mission was backfiring. Not only could I not find convincing proof, and not only did I find the New Testament to be inspirational and enlightening, but I started to believe in my head and heart that it was truth.
This is where my struggle really got difficult. I was starting to believe something contrary to what I was raised to believe and I knew that this was going to cause some major upheaval in my life. I tried to fight it, ignore it, pretend I never knew about it...I just...I couldn't erase what I'd learned and come to believe. I felt like someone who watched a movie where you're left hanging at the end, and then several years later the sequel comes out and you finally get the whole story. It all just made sense. I realized that I had been missing something my whole life that I could never put my finger on. Part of me wanted to ignore all this and go back to life as “normal” but I just couldn't go back at this point. I was invited to church by a friend and decided to check it out. I loved the service...now, I love the services at synagogue too, but this was different, it felt like putting a puzzle together and seeing the finished picture and thinking how cool that all those random pieces came together to form THIS! It was the Old and New Testaments being brought together to explain a story I never knew the ending to.
I know that by this point, if you are even still reading this...many of you are disappointed, mad, upset and distraught at the thought that I could have fallen for this “mishegas.” You might think I was sucked into a cult or an alternate universe. I can assure you that I did not blindly follow or believe something this incredibly contrary to how I was raised without seriously considering everything...including the fact that I may lose people I love dearly in the process. I don't want to lose any of my family or friends, which is why I have kept it to myself for so long.
I have struggled and gone thru very painful and stressful inner turmoil for the last few years. I have thought that I was or would be seen as turning my back on my family, my people, and my heritage. I never meant for this to happen. I didn't wake up one day thinking “I'm going to believe in Jesus and see how many people I can hurt.” I have been trying to find the courage (chutzpah) to "come out" for quite some time. I have struggled with whether or not I should "come out" and how and to whom. I have come to the conclusion that I'd much rather be the one to tell you than for you to find out some other way.
My immediate family already knows. The reactions have ranged from disappointment, embarrassment, anger, apathy and even to some degree of acceptance. I'm sorry if you feel hurt or offended because of my decisions, that was not the intent of sharing my story. I want you to know that I am and always will be Jewish, and I would love to still participate in all of the Jewish life I've always participated in. I also will continue to participate in the church I attend. I have had some awesome opportunities to share my Jewish background with people who knew little about the Jewish faith before, and I love being able to teach about the Jewish holidays, customs, traditions, etc. I know that I didn't have to tell you any of this, and some or most of you may wish I hadn't. Religion and spirituality are very personal and individual expressions of faith, and we should all feel free to express our beliefs in our own ways...in ways that make sense to us. I have not felt this freedom because I’ve been hiding it from my family and friends to avoid hurting them, and also out of my own fear of losing people I love. I have come to the conclusion that telling you is the right, honest and loving thing to do. Ultimately, I have to answer to a higher authority, and I'm not sorry for what I believe. I have found something that makes me happy, that helps to complete my life’s puzzle and I pray that you will accept me as you always have, even if you cannot or will not accept my choices and beliefs. I promise to continue to love you and pray you'll continue to love me. I thank you for being important, influential and inspirational people in my life and I thank you for taking the time to read my story. I will never force you to talk about this, but am always open for dialogue, discussion, questions and even friendly debate.
Love and peace,
Rachel
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