When I sent out the letter to my extended family in August, I was surprised to get quite a few very supportive replies. I had not anticipated that. What I expected was either no responses at all, or responses telling me how disappointed they were in my decision to accept Jesus. I was shocked and awed once again by God and His incredible goodness. I was obedient to Him by sharing my story with my extended family, and He was faithful. I don't know why I keep getting shocked by His goodness, but when it happens to me - it's still surprising and amazing. I honestly hope I always feel that way, because I don't ever want to take Him for granted.
Some of the responses I got that completely surprised me were:
"Your recent email update was shared with me, and I just wanted to reach out and thank you for being honest and brave. I support you being true to yourself, and nurturing what makes you feel grounded, supported, and energized"
"I have nothing but respect for you, Rachel. Thank you for your openness"
"I have total respect for your decision and the extensive journey you took to reach it. I hope this brings you the peace and tranquility that you are seeking."
"Rachel, You seem very content. Whatever your decision I'm happy for you."
"First, I am glad you finally said something. I am in no way mad, upset, etc. This is your life and you need to do what you feel is right and what makes YOU happy. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. I know that some of the family will be disappointed, but if someone is mad enough to not speak to you anymore, then they're not worth having in your life. I know that you never do anything without researching it first, and I know that this must have been a very hard decision filled with emotion, considering your Jewish upbringing."
"I am so happy for you and the answers you have found. We will always love and respect you for the amazing person that you are...the fact that you took so much time, effort and work to find these answers for yourself make me respect you even more."
"you have always been a wonderful cousin & a totally good person it doesn't change my feelings about you at all"
Here's a response that just floored me...a distant cousin that I haven't really kept in good contact with sent me an email explaining something in her life that she has been struggling to share with her family and friends. It's probably not what you think it is, but I'm not going to give details, as it's her story to share, but...
"I read your e-mail like 3 or 4 times now. Especially the last two paragraphs you wrote, because they hit very close to something in my life as well. Before I go into that, I just want to say that I think you are so brave! I know how hard it is to share something that you have kept private for so long. Your e-mail has given me strength! You have given me the strength to now give you my "coming out" story. Part of me hates that term "coming out", and part of me doesn't know what else to call it. Maybe "telling you my truth" is better? Your statement where you said I don't want to lose any family or friends, which is why I kept it to myself for so long, hits very close to home for me. It is exactly how I have felt for the last 5 years."
I just can't express how much these responses were NOT at all what I was expecting and preparing myself for. I was so afraid, so stressed out...and God had this the whole time! All I had to do was obey Him and this is what happened.
BUT - there are still MANY MANY relatives that I haven't heard from, and I did get two very disappointed responses from some cousins I have always been very close to, and while they expressed their disappointment, they both ended by saying they still love me. I also have only recently seen some members of my extended family in person since this "coming out letter" and could see disappointment on their faces for sure. The first time was at the Jewish High Holiday services at the synagogue I grew up in and that my mom still is a member of. I took her to services and was greeted by some shocked relatives (I think they figured since I was going to church, I wouldn't be coming to synagogue services anymore) and a couple of them just looked at me like they felt sorry for me or something. Earlier this month (actually the week leading up to my Baptism), a few of my cousins came to brunch to celebrate my Aunt's birthday and one of them that I have always been really close with - barely could look at me, let alone talk to me. I kept just reaching out, trying to talk to her and she finally warmed up just a little bit - but wouldn't really make eye contact with me. That was SOOOO hard. Even harder, this weekend this same cousin invited several relatives to her home yesterday for a Sabbath brunch...including my mom and aunt and several other cousins of all ages. I wasn't invited. I'm not going to lie to you - it HURT me deeply and I'm very sad that this is the way things are between us, and I KNOW it's because of my decision to follow Jesus. But, I was expecting this on a larger scale...I never expected so much positive and so little negative.
So this is reality for me. I knew that I was going to face some difficult situations and people that I love would be hurt and disappointed and angry with me. It's hard. But Jesus - He's totally worth it, worth losing everything and everyone I love for. He IS love. He is EVERYTHING. I just finished a bible study on the life and ministry of Paul. if you don't know much about Paul, I will give you just a brief summary of who he was. He was a Jew. Not just a Jew - he was an extremely religious, very pious, brought up in an Orthodox home and studied under Rabbi's considered to be the "best of the best" kind of Jew. He was a Pharisee, followed Judaism to the letter of the law. He was persecuting people who believed in Jesus. He sat and watched Stephen, the first martyr, be stoned to death for his faith...and then, he "met" Jesus on the road to Damascus, and his life was DRAMATICALLY changed. He left EVERYTHING and EVERYONE he ever knew and loved to follow, obey and preach about Jesus. He preached to the Jews, he preached to the Gentiles. He traveled extensively over miles and miles of land and sea to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He was beaten, ignored, yelled at, imprisoned...left for dead and then ultimately killed...and yet was content in all circumstances. He wrote letters of support to many of the people and churches that he met and he continued to praise God through Jesus, encouraging believers to stand firm in the faith. As much as it hurts me to have some of my family members be disappointed in me, exclude me from family functions, and possibly never speak to me again - I can't compare what I'm going through with what Paul went through. Surely if Paul could endure everything he did, I can endure some people in my life ignoring me.
Jesus, I pray that you will continue to remind me who I am and whose I am. That I belong to you and I am here to fulfill YOUR purposes for me, and not my own. I pray that in all that I do, in all that I am, I will glorify YOU alone. I pray that you will give me the strength and courage to continue to face the people who are disappointed in me with dignity, love, grace and mercy. I pray that your Spirit will continue to fill me, guide me and comfort me through every trial of my life on earth. You said in this life, we will have troubles, but You also said to take heart because You have overcome the world. I pray that I will continue to remember this and continue to abide in You as You abide in me. Thank you for giving me life, not just 44 years ago, but NEW life just a few weeks ago when I was Baptized in Your name. I love You and praise You! Amen.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Sunday, November 9, 2014
I've been dunked!!!
Today...I was Baptized. I read this speech (very nervously with my whole body shaking and my heart about to beat out of my chest), and then I was dunked. Thanks be to God for getting me to and through this day...and also to a lot of other wonderful, faithful, supportive people in my life who have walked this journey with me. In many ways, this journey is just beginning.
The original Star Wars movie was pretty cool, with lots of great characters, special effects and a story that had something for everyone. Its creator, George Lucas, chose specific actors to play each of the character roles. Though that original movie was really cool…it wasn’t the end of the story, as Lucas came out with 2 sequels, then 3 prequels showing how the story began, and soon another 3 sequels will come out, each unfolding more and more of the story. It’s quite a captivating saga that has generated enormous following, billions of dollars in revenue, and has given actors like Harrison Ford incredible opportunities in their careers (imagine if he decided NOT to take the part of Han Solo).
Like Star Wars, we all have our “original” story – the one we were born into. We don’t really get to choose it and it really isn’t even ours. We were all chosen by our creator for a particular part in His story. And so…when I tell you about my story…it’s really just about my small part in God’s story.
I’m Jewish; I was born and raised in a Conservative Synagogue and I have a Hebrew name. I went to religious school about 6 hours a week, had a Bat Mitzvah and a confirmation, was involved in a Jewish youth group, and I went to Israel. Still, I was one of only a handful of Jews at my secular schools growing up, and I knew I was different. I had to miss school on the Jewish high holidays to go to synagogue, brought “matzo” peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to school during Passover, experienced anti Semitism and was many times asked to explain the Jewish holidays in class, which made me feel uncomfortable (mostly because I was very shy). I learned a lot about my story growing up in the synagogue and in my Jewish family. It was a really great story.
But…there’s a sequel.
As I grew up, I had lots of people question why I didn’t believe in Jesus. My answer was that we (Jews) didn’t believe the Messiah had come yet. That was the answer I knew, and it was enough for me. Through my teen years and especially after going to Israel, I developed a very strong Jewish identity, although at the same time, I started to be less involved in Jewish life. While my story was chosen for me…I kind of stopped participating in it to some degree.
Fast forward to adulthood and motherhood, I married out of my faith and Jeff and I have 2 boys that we mostly raised celebrating Jewish holidays with my family and Christian holidays with his…otherwise we have been pretty non-religious. When my youngest was 3 years old, he started asking questions about God and Jesus. I told him I believed in God but not Jesus. I didn’t really think much of it so I just went about life as usual. Nursing school consumed much of my life for the next few years, and I didn’t give much thought or attention to religious matters.
I did, however, have some really interesting and thought provoking conversations with 2 of my best girlfriends, sparking some internal spiritual questioning…and then one day I just remember standing in the kitchen with my boys and somehow we were talking about Jesus and God again. I was thinking that the older they get, the more questions they might have, and I thought I should have some better answers. They were born into a story too, and I wasn’t doing a very good job of explaining it.
So I started to read. I was on a mission to give them solid reasons why Jews don’t believe that Jesus is the Messiah so they would understand and be prepared to explain to others. The answers that I had weren’t enough, not for them or for me. I’ve always been one to look things up, rather than just blindly believe what I hear. I started by reading an entire book about why the Jews rejected Jesus. There was a lot of information about prophesies in the Old Testament in regard to the coming Messiah, and the author tried to explain why Jesus couldn’t be the one, but I just wasn’t convinced. So, I figured, well…I might as well read the Bible. I mean the WHOLE thing…The Old Testament (which I grew up learning about) AND The New Testament (which I had NEVER even considered reading before). While many people had tried to convince me that I should believe Jesus was the Messiah, I didn’t. It was an oxymoron, I thought, for Jews to believe in Jesus. But reading the Bible led to reading many…countless other books, and led to many other conversations with my friends. This Jesus guy had really good stuff. He lived a perfect life, free from sin, overcoming temptations, loving God and loving others even to the point of laying down his own life as the ultimate sacrifice for a world full of very imperfect people. He was brutally beaten, crucified on a cross, and then overcame death to continue to show love, mercy and forgiveness to all.
Intellectually, this Jesus being the Messiah thing actually started to make sense to me. It was like the sequel to Star Wars…more of the story. But…I was a Jew…and it just wasn’t gonna work for me, and surely not for my family, for me to believe this story. Over time, intellect gave way to emotional and spiritual belief…and all of this started to become deeply rooted in my heart. I started going to church, doing bible studies.…and… my story was going in a direction I NEVER anticipated. And I was a WRECK. The inner turmoil just started tearing me apart. How can I be JEWISH and believe that Jesus is the Messiah. I used to call that an oxymoron. I have a HUGE family, and I felt like I was letting them all down, letting ALL my people down…I felt guilty going to church, even though I really liked it.
But here I am today, a Jewish girl…in a church… about to be baptized. At my Bat Mitzvah 31 years ago, I recited my haftorah in Hebrew, which is a portion from the writings of the prophets. Mine was from Micah and the passage that I spoke about that night is one that has come back to me through this spiritual journey in ways that I KNOW only God could orchestrate. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago that somehow I was supposed to incorporate this into my Baptism story. It’s from the prophet Micah, verse 6:8 and it says “No, O people, the LORD has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”
Back to Star Wars…my life before Jesus was the original movie. It was good – I knew a great story with great characters and great effects. It was enough. Or so I thought…but then, I saw the sequel…and everything from the original story suddenly made more sense. Knowing the rest of the story…the WHOLE story…is amazing. And it’s still unfolding. One day I’ll get to see the prequel and I’ll know how it came to be that a simple, shy Jewish girl was somehow chosen to play this particular part in the story, why I got to see the sequel before it’s due to be released to the rest of the Jews. I know that God’s plan started with us and that our part of the story isn’t over yet. But for now, I am living in THIS story…being Jewish AND following Jesus, disappointing people I love in the process. Yes, I am a Jew…and I always will be. But I’m different than most Jews...just like I was different in school so many years ago. Today, I am choosing to walk humbly with my God into His story, playing my part by receiving His spirit through the ironically Jewish ceremony of Baptism. I pray that with His help, I will continue to do what is right, even in the face of disappointment, injustice and temptation. I pray that I will receive the gift of His mercy, and in turn give it to others. I pray that I would become so full of Him, that there is little left of me, so that I can finish out the storyline He planned for me long ago. We all have a part to play in His story…he chose us, but we get to choose whether or not to participate in His glorious unfolding.
The original Star Wars movie was pretty cool, with lots of great characters, special effects and a story that had something for everyone. Its creator, George Lucas, chose specific actors to play each of the character roles. Though that original movie was really cool…it wasn’t the end of the story, as Lucas came out with 2 sequels, then 3 prequels showing how the story began, and soon another 3 sequels will come out, each unfolding more and more of the story. It’s quite a captivating saga that has generated enormous following, billions of dollars in revenue, and has given actors like Harrison Ford incredible opportunities in their careers (imagine if he decided NOT to take the part of Han Solo).
Like Star Wars, we all have our “original” story – the one we were born into. We don’t really get to choose it and it really isn’t even ours. We were all chosen by our creator for a particular part in His story. And so…when I tell you about my story…it’s really just about my small part in God’s story.
I’m Jewish; I was born and raised in a Conservative Synagogue and I have a Hebrew name. I went to religious school about 6 hours a week, had a Bat Mitzvah and a confirmation, was involved in a Jewish youth group, and I went to Israel. Still, I was one of only a handful of Jews at my secular schools growing up, and I knew I was different. I had to miss school on the Jewish high holidays to go to synagogue, brought “matzo” peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to school during Passover, experienced anti Semitism and was many times asked to explain the Jewish holidays in class, which made me feel uncomfortable (mostly because I was very shy). I learned a lot about my story growing up in the synagogue and in my Jewish family. It was a really great story.
But…there’s a sequel.
As I grew up, I had lots of people question why I didn’t believe in Jesus. My answer was that we (Jews) didn’t believe the Messiah had come yet. That was the answer I knew, and it was enough for me. Through my teen years and especially after going to Israel, I developed a very strong Jewish identity, although at the same time, I started to be less involved in Jewish life. While my story was chosen for me…I kind of stopped participating in it to some degree.
Fast forward to adulthood and motherhood, I married out of my faith and Jeff and I have 2 boys that we mostly raised celebrating Jewish holidays with my family and Christian holidays with his…otherwise we have been pretty non-religious. When my youngest was 3 years old, he started asking questions about God and Jesus. I told him I believed in God but not Jesus. I didn’t really think much of it so I just went about life as usual. Nursing school consumed much of my life for the next few years, and I didn’t give much thought or attention to religious matters.
I did, however, have some really interesting and thought provoking conversations with 2 of my best girlfriends, sparking some internal spiritual questioning…and then one day I just remember standing in the kitchen with my boys and somehow we were talking about Jesus and God again. I was thinking that the older they get, the more questions they might have, and I thought I should have some better answers. They were born into a story too, and I wasn’t doing a very good job of explaining it.
So I started to read. I was on a mission to give them solid reasons why Jews don’t believe that Jesus is the Messiah so they would understand and be prepared to explain to others. The answers that I had weren’t enough, not for them or for me. I’ve always been one to look things up, rather than just blindly believe what I hear. I started by reading an entire book about why the Jews rejected Jesus. There was a lot of information about prophesies in the Old Testament in regard to the coming Messiah, and the author tried to explain why Jesus couldn’t be the one, but I just wasn’t convinced. So, I figured, well…I might as well read the Bible. I mean the WHOLE thing…The Old Testament (which I grew up learning about) AND The New Testament (which I had NEVER even considered reading before). While many people had tried to convince me that I should believe Jesus was the Messiah, I didn’t. It was an oxymoron, I thought, for Jews to believe in Jesus. But reading the Bible led to reading many…countless other books, and led to many other conversations with my friends. This Jesus guy had really good stuff. He lived a perfect life, free from sin, overcoming temptations, loving God and loving others even to the point of laying down his own life as the ultimate sacrifice for a world full of very imperfect people. He was brutally beaten, crucified on a cross, and then overcame death to continue to show love, mercy and forgiveness to all.
Intellectually, this Jesus being the Messiah thing actually started to make sense to me. It was like the sequel to Star Wars…more of the story. But…I was a Jew…and it just wasn’t gonna work for me, and surely not for my family, for me to believe this story. Over time, intellect gave way to emotional and spiritual belief…and all of this started to become deeply rooted in my heart. I started going to church, doing bible studies.…and… my story was going in a direction I NEVER anticipated. And I was a WRECK. The inner turmoil just started tearing me apart. How can I be JEWISH and believe that Jesus is the Messiah. I used to call that an oxymoron. I have a HUGE family, and I felt like I was letting them all down, letting ALL my people down…I felt guilty going to church, even though I really liked it.
But here I am today, a Jewish girl…in a church… about to be baptized. At my Bat Mitzvah 31 years ago, I recited my haftorah in Hebrew, which is a portion from the writings of the prophets. Mine was from Micah and the passage that I spoke about that night is one that has come back to me through this spiritual journey in ways that I KNOW only God could orchestrate. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago that somehow I was supposed to incorporate this into my Baptism story. It’s from the prophet Micah, verse 6:8 and it says “No, O people, the LORD has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”
Back to Star Wars…my life before Jesus was the original movie. It was good – I knew a great story with great characters and great effects. It was enough. Or so I thought…but then, I saw the sequel…and everything from the original story suddenly made more sense. Knowing the rest of the story…the WHOLE story…is amazing. And it’s still unfolding. One day I’ll get to see the prequel and I’ll know how it came to be that a simple, shy Jewish girl was somehow chosen to play this particular part in the story, why I got to see the sequel before it’s due to be released to the rest of the Jews. I know that God’s plan started with us and that our part of the story isn’t over yet. But for now, I am living in THIS story…being Jewish AND following Jesus, disappointing people I love in the process. Yes, I am a Jew…and I always will be. But I’m different than most Jews...just like I was different in school so many years ago. Today, I am choosing to walk humbly with my God into His story, playing my part by receiving His spirit through the ironically Jewish ceremony of Baptism. I pray that with His help, I will continue to do what is right, even in the face of disappointment, injustice and temptation. I pray that I will receive the gift of His mercy, and in turn give it to others. I pray that I would become so full of Him, that there is little left of me, so that I can finish out the storyline He planned for me long ago. We all have a part to play in His story…he chose us, but we get to choose whether or not to participate in His glorious unfolding.
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