Reality hits...

When I sent out the letter to my extended family in August, I was surprised to get quite a few very supportive replies. I had not anticipated that. What I expected was either no responses at all, or responses telling me how disappointed they were in my decision to accept Jesus. I was shocked and awed once again by God and His incredible goodness. I was obedient to Him by sharing my story with my extended family, and He was faithful. I don't know why I keep getting shocked by His goodness, but when it happens to me - it's still surprising and amazing. I honestly hope I always feel that way, because I don't ever want to take Him for granted.

Some of the responses I got that completely surprised me were:

"Your recent email update was shared with me, and I just wanted to reach out and thank you for being honest and brave. I support you being true to yourself, and nurturing what makes you feel grounded, supported, and energized"

"I have nothing but respect for you, Rachel. Thank you for your openness"

"I have total respect for your decision and the extensive journey you took to reach it. I hope this brings you the peace and tranquility that you are seeking."

"Rachel, You seem very content. Whatever your decision I'm happy for you."

"First, I am glad you finally said something. I am in no way mad, upset, etc. This is your life and you need to do what you feel is right and what makes YOU happy. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. I know that some of the family will be disappointed, but if someone is mad enough to not speak to you anymore, then they're not worth having in your life. I know that you never do anything without researching it first, and I know that this must have been a very hard decision filled with emotion, considering your Jewish upbringing."

"I am so happy for you and the answers you have found. We will always love and respect you for the amazing person that you are...the fact that you took so much time, effort and work to find these answers for yourself make me respect you even more."

"you have always been a wonderful cousin & a totally good person it doesn't change my feelings about you at all"

Here's a response that just floored me...a distant cousin that I haven't really kept in good contact with sent me an email explaining something in her life that she has been struggling to share with her family and friends. It's probably not what you think it is, but I'm not going to give details, as it's her story to share, but...

"I read your e-mail like 3 or 4 times now. Especially the last two paragraphs you wrote, because they hit very close to something in my life as well. Before I go into that, I just want to say that I think you are so brave! I know how hard it is to share something that you have kept private for so long. Your e-mail has given me strength! You have given me the strength to now give you my "coming out" story. Part of me hates that term "coming out", and part of me doesn't know what else to call it. Maybe "telling you my truth" is better? Your statement where you said I don't want to lose any family or friends, which is why I kept it to myself for so long, hits very close to home for me. It is exactly how I have felt for the last 5 years."

I just can't express how much these responses were NOT at all what I was expecting and preparing myself for. I was so afraid, so stressed out...and God had this the whole time! All I had to do was obey Him and this is what happened.

BUT - there are still MANY MANY relatives that I haven't heard from, and I did get two very disappointed responses from some cousins I have always been very close to, and while they expressed their disappointment, they both ended by saying they still love me. I also have only recently seen some members of my extended family in person since this "coming out letter" and could see disappointment on their faces for sure. The first time was at the Jewish High Holiday services at the synagogue I grew up in and that my mom still is a member of. I took her to services and was greeted by some shocked relatives (I think they figured since I was going to church, I wouldn't be coming to synagogue services anymore) and a couple of them just looked at me like they felt sorry for me or something. Earlier this month (actually the week leading up to my Baptism), a few of my cousins came to brunch to celebrate my Aunt's birthday and one of them that I have always been really close with - barely could look at me, let alone talk to me. I kept just reaching out, trying to talk to her and she finally warmed up just a little bit - but wouldn't really make eye contact with me. That was SOOOO hard. Even harder, this weekend this same cousin invited several relatives to her home yesterday for a Sabbath brunch...including my mom and aunt and several other cousins of all ages. I wasn't invited. I'm not going to lie to you - it HURT me deeply and I'm very sad that this is the way things are between us, and I KNOW it's because of my decision to follow Jesus. But, I was expecting this on a larger scale...I never expected so much positive and so little negative.

So this is reality for me. I knew that I was going to face some difficult situations and people that I love would be hurt and disappointed and angry with me. It's hard. But Jesus - He's totally worth it, worth losing everything and everyone I love for. He IS love. He is EVERYTHING. I just finished a bible study on the life and ministry of Paul. if you don't know much about Paul, I will give you just a brief summary of who he was. He was a Jew. Not just a Jew - he was an extremely religious, very pious, brought up in an Orthodox home and studied under Rabbi's considered to be the "best of the best" kind of Jew. He was a Pharisee, followed Judaism to the letter of the law. He was persecuting people who believed in Jesus. He sat and watched Stephen, the first martyr, be stoned to death for his faith...and then, he "met" Jesus on the road to Damascus, and his life was DRAMATICALLY changed. He left EVERYTHING and EVERYONE he ever knew and loved to follow, obey and preach about Jesus. He preached to the Jews, he preached to the Gentiles. He traveled extensively over miles and miles of land and sea to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He was beaten, ignored, yelled at, imprisoned...left for dead and then ultimately killed...and yet was content in all circumstances. He wrote letters of support to many of the people and churches that he met and he continued to praise God through Jesus, encouraging believers to stand firm in the faith. As much as it hurts me to have some of my family members be disappointed in me, exclude me from family functions, and possibly never speak to me again - I can't compare what I'm going through with what Paul went through. Surely if Paul could endure everything he did, I can endure some people in my life ignoring me.

Jesus, I pray that you will continue to remind me who I am and whose I am. That I belong to you and I am here to fulfill YOUR purposes for me, and not my own. I pray that in all that I do, in all that I am, I will glorify YOU alone. I pray that you will give me the strength and courage to continue to face the people who are disappointed in me with dignity, love, grace and mercy. I pray that your Spirit will continue to fill me, guide me and comfort me through every trial of my life on earth. You said in this life, we will have troubles, but You also said to take heart because You have overcome the world. I pray that I will continue to remember this and continue to abide in You as You abide in me. Thank you for giving me life, not just 44 years ago, but NEW life just a few weeks ago when I was Baptized in Your name. I love You and praise You! Amen.