Whenever I have a really great God moment or day or week...I've learned to expect that Satan would be waiting to trip me up. When I first realized what was happening, it was really hard to bounce back, he would suck me in and trap me into a pit of doubt, guilt, remorse, fear, worry, anxiety - just about all of the places that God does not lead us, nor does He want us to stay. Over time, I've gotten better about recognizing Satan's schemes and have tried to prepare myself for his attacks. Seems like he just gets slicker and sneakier each time. I've also thankfully been able to bounce back faster each time too because of my faith in God growing stronger with each setback. So, when I made the decision to get Baptized...I KNEW that I was going to be in for some serious warfare. I thought I was prepared for him. I was, to an extent, but boy did I still feel like I had been run over by a truck, and I'm still trying to recover!!
Without going into too much detail, I had an email exchange with a distant relative where he, without even knowing that I had come to believe in Jesus, was telling me about how his Christian wife came to convert to Judaism and realized that everything she was raised to believe was not true. He had several convincing arguments that a Rabbi they took a class from had compiled in a book he wrote contrasting Christianity and Judaism. I kind of took this as a challenge to read his book, his website, and listen to some of his radio interviews. I thought that since I feel like somehow I'm supposed to help bridge the gap between Jews and Christians, I needed to understand this perspective to better understand why most of my people reject Jesus being the Messiah. So I read the book - it was REALLY hard to read. I had moments where I was thinking, oh geez this guy doesn't know what he's talking about to moments where I was seriously doubting and questioning my beliefs and wondering "MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?" It took me a while to read this book, even though it's fairly short comparatively speaking (I mean, I've read the entire Bible, lol). I kept getting sucked into all these horrible pits of doubt and guilt and questioning what in the world am I supposed to believe in. What if I'm worshiping a false idol...that's SO not cool. And if I'm worshiping a false idol, then what does that mean for me? Where will I get to spend eternity? Reading this book seriously threw me into a major pit, for a while. Couple that with the fact that I haven't been to church much since I was baptized - mostly due to circumstances, sickness, etc. Still, the disconnection from church and reading this book all at the same time? Coincidence? I think NOT. I think Satan REALLY wants to shake up my relationship with God, and he was doing a really good job of it for a while. I'm actually not certain that I'm out of the woods yet, but I think I'm well on my way, thanks be to God and to seriously amazing Godly friendships that have supported, encouraged, reminded, cared for and loved me so well through all of this. I'm continually in awe of a God that is so good to me that He gives me what (and who) I need before I even know I need it/them.
Here's the bottom line in all of this spiritual warfare: If believing in Jesus ends up being wrong in the end, and if I discover that I have been worshiping a false idol, then 1) I can hope and pray that this incredibly merciful God who formed me and knows my heart will forgive me and will understand how much I have sought out the truth and desired so much to follow Him; and 2) The thought of NOT having Jesus in my life and in my heart...is seriously too much to bear, and I just can't imagine what could be so wrong about believing in everything He taught us while He was on this earth. I can't find anything in the New Testament that isn't good...yes, there are some hard truths to swallow in the New Testament and I've struggled and wrestled with many verses and stories...but for the most part, what Jesus did for us, and what He said we should do for each other, I just can't imagine anything better or more right. Going back to my life before Jesus...I think it would literally crush me, destroy me. I don't want to believe that He's not who He said He was. I can't not believe that. I NEED Him and I WANT Him to be the Messiah. God forgive me if this ends up being the largest sin I could possibly commit in my life.
Lord, I thank you so much for your grace, your mercy, your love and concern and for giving me what I need when I need it. I thank you for blessing me and surrounding me with people who illuminate Your light in the way they support, encourage and care for me. I have been through many trials, and I know I will go through many more. I know that not everything and not everyone is good for me. I pray that You will give me the wisdom and discernment to sift through everything I read, see, hear, touch and feel; taking what is good and releasing what is not. I pray that You will continue to lead me on the path you want me to walk and that I will not veer so far from it that I can't find my way back. I pray that You will continue to strengthen me, continue to pursue me, continue to teach me Your truth, and equip me to face the enemy that is waiting for me, so I can rebuke him and press deeper into You. Keep me out of the pit Lord...lift me up out of it, carry me through it or reach Your hand in to pull me out. Remind me who I am and whose I am every day. Keep me humble and hold me close. In Jesus name, Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment