The idea for this post came to me this morning, when I was texting with a friend before church about how overwhelmed I feel sometimes that I know Jesus. The thing is, the Jews aren't really supposed to know yet. They had their chance first but they rejected Him as the Messiah because He didn't fit the mold of what they thought the Messiah would be. I don't understand why I get to know now. Sometimes I feel like I have all this pressure on me because I do know...and I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to do with it.
I mean, I feel very blessed that I get to know Jesus. I can't imagine going back to not knowing. It's just hard because I feel alone in this. Not that I don't have amazingly supportive friends on this journey, because I do and I'm so very grateful for them. It's just the part about being a Jew and the other Jews not knowing and that feeling of guilt because I'm going against the grain of what I was raised to believe. I told my friend that I feel like a fish swimming against the current, if that makes sense. Then I thought, hey this could be my next blog post...
I decided to look up a little information on fish. First of all, there are lots of references to fish in the bible. You had Jonah who was in the belly of a fish; Jesus' first disciples who were fisherman; the boy who had a couple fish that Jesus used to feed 5,000 people. I typed the word "fish" into the Bible Gateway website and there are 75 references to fish or fishing in the NLT version. I guess you could say the bible is kinda fishy (pun intended). I figured that when I was thinking I felt like a fish swimming against the current, I was in a minority. Turns out that while many fish do just go with the flow of the current, there are also lots of fish that swim against it. Some may swim to stay facing the current in one spot so they can gobble up some grub that comes their way. Some migrate upstream to lay eggs or return home. There are fish that swim in "schools" and fish that just kinda hang out doing their own thing. I was actually kind of surprised about the "current" theory being blown out of the water (another pun). As I pondered this more and read more, I realized that even though many fish DO swim against the current, it's really not all that easy, even for the fish that were designed to swim that way. So basically, while swimming against the current is more common than I initially thought, it is still difficult and requires a considerable amount of effort and energy.
Here's how I think I'd feel if I were a fish swimming against the current. I'd be huffing and puffing my way, fighting against the current, watching all of these other fish literally just float on by with the stream, enjoying their little fish lives and being able to hang out with their fish friends and just have an easy, chillaxing ride to wherever the current took them. I think I'd be kinda jealous of those other fish. I think I'd wish I could just take the easy stream too and stop having to fight so hard to swim upstream. But here's something else I'd think. I'd think I was actually accomplishing something. I would think that I was stronger than those fish. I think I would appreciate my destination a whole lot more because of how hard I had to work to get there. AH HA. I'm having a moment here. (This is what happens when I just start typing without really knowing where I'm going).
This is making me think about a story. When I was a kid, I didn't care much about school. I was just kind of floating along but never really worked hard, I just did what I had to do to get by and my grades reflected that. When my family moved far away just before my senior year of high school, I actually worked harder in school, because frankly, I didn't really have anything better to do. About 3 weeks into the school year, my Government teacher called me up to the front of the class to talk with him at his desk. I had NO idea what I had done wrong but I was so nervous. I got up there and he said something to me that I had never heard before, nor had I ever thought about myself...he said that I was too smart for his class and that I belonged in Honors Government. What? So, now I had a choice, I could stay in regular Government and just float along and be "smarter" than most, or I could swim upstream in an Honors class with kids that were WAY smarter than me and try something harder than I had ever tried before. I could stay and get an easy "A" in Government, OR I could work super hard to maybe get a "B" in Honors. I guess that was the beginning of this fish swimming against the current. I went into the Honors class, I got a "B" but I learned a lot and I felt this certain sense of pride and accomplishment that I'm not sure I'd felt before.
Now that I'm REALLY thinking about this whole fish thing more...I'm realizing that ever since then, I have chosen to swim upstream many more times. I went to college, which I don't think I would have otherwise done. I worked so hard to get my degree, it was not easy for me and it took me over 8 years to finish. I had weight loss surgery and have been fighting really hard to lose a lot of weight and keep it off (unfortunately I've gained some of it back recently but I'm fighting to lose it again). About 8 years ago, I found myself applying to nursing school and swimming against some really serious currents to become a Registered Nurse. I've had so many opportunities to take the lazy river and something in me has pushed upstream instead. I'm realizing as I'm typing this post, that I have felt this immense sense of accomplishment every time I've gone against the current to do something that seemed and felt impossible. In this faith journey I'm on, I really do feel like I'm a fish swimming upstream. I am constantly fighting to follow Jesus in a world that's just floating along in the lazy river. It feels like a fight against the beliefs I was raised on, the people that I was born into, a fight against all of the people and things telling me it's ok to quit trying so hard and just go with the flow. It really is difficult. I still don't know why I was chosen to know Jesus before the rest of the Jews. It feels overwhelming to think about what I'm supposed to do with this knowledge. I'm scared, it's hard, and sometimes I truly do just want to hide in the belly of a fish.
My friend responded to my text this morning with this message: "I understand that feeling. You feel it for your fellow Jewish friends and family and Jews in general. I feel it for the general population that refuses to acknowledge the maker of our very being. Our job is to be the Light. To be an example of God's love and grace one person at a time. It's God's job to save them. He is the savior. We just need to be His hands and feet. One.Person.At.A.Time. That's all. It can be overwhelming to think about all that are not saved."
I think I finally understand this part of Paul's second letter to Timothy in Chapter 4:
I solemnly urge you in the presence of God and Christ Jesus, who will someday judge the living and the dead when he comes to set up his Kingdom: 2 Preach the word of God. Be prepared, whether the time is favorable or not. Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching.
3 For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear. 4 They will reject the truth and chase after myths.
5 But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don’t be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at telling others the Good News, and fully carry out the ministry God has given you.
6 As for me, my life has already been poured out as an offering to God. The time of my death is near. 7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. 8 And now the prize awaits me—the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing.
I am a fish swimming against the current. It is hard and sometimes I wish I were just floating along in the stream and sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with this fight and this journey to be the Light that I just want to quit. I know what awaits me on the other side of this journey and I want to keep swimming upstream. I want to finish the race, I want to remain faithful. I pray that day by day, Jesus will give me the direction and the strength to "keep on swimming" like Dori tells a group of fish caught in a net in "Finding Nemo." Freedom in Christ is what I'm fighting for. Peace is what I'm fighting for. Everyone to be saved and know Jesus is what I'm fighting for. I don't have to have it all figured out, I just have to keep swimming and trusting, one day at a time.
God I pray that You will give me the strength, the courage, the discernment and the obedience to continue swimming against the currents of this world. I pray that You will guide me day by day in what You want me to do just that day and that You will help with my moments of feeling so overwhelmed I just want to give up. Help me to move past my fears into faith and to continue to follow You regardless of what obstacles are in my way. I am truly in awe of You and Your grace and Your love and Your mercy. I am thankful and blessed to know You, and I am thankful and blessed for the people that You have placed in my life to support and encourage my journey. I might be one of only a few Jew fish swimming upstream, but there are some pretty amazing Christian fish swimming with me too and I am grateful that You give me what I need, when I need it...even when I don't know what I need. I love you and I praise You in the name of Jesus. Amen.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Tending your grass...
I was in the car line this afternoon waiting to pick my son up from middle school and I was chatting with a friend about something that I think we all struggle with. It's the whole idea of the "grass being greener on the other side." Let's face it, we've all wanted the grass on the other side. If we are single; we might want to be married, if we're married, we might want to be single...if we have an apartment, we might want a house...if we have an inflatable boat, we might want a yacht. We get jealous of what others have and we want what they have. There's always SOMETHING that someone has that we don't that we wish we did. It's so much in our nature, this whole jealousy thing, that God gave us a commandment that deals with this issue. This may sound familiar to you:
Exodus 20:17 New Living Translation (NLT)
17 “You must not covet your neighbor’s house. You must not covet your neighbor’s wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.”
In case you didn't understand the meaning of "covet" in this commandment, here it is:
cov·et: yearn to possess or have (something). "the president-elect covets time for exercise and fishing"
synonyms: desire, yearn for, crave, have one's heart set on, want, wish for, long for, hanker after/for, hunger after/for, thirst for "even with all they have, they covet the wealth of others"
So, now that we know what this means, here's what my thoughts are on the subject...in case anyone out there is actually reading my thoughts. In our world, especially in today's world, there is what appears to be "greener grass" EVERYWHERE. You have an iPhone 4 and your friend just got the iPhone 6, so now you want it too. You take your family to Omaha 3 hours away for an affordable vacation while you see pictures of your friend in St. Thomas with their spouse on a romantic getaway. Not only do we have greener grass everywhere, we can see it in pictures on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, You Tube...you get the idea. We have access multiple times a day to see glimpses of everyone's "greener grass" and we feel like we don't have enough, we aren't enough, we don't make enough money, we don't have enough stuff. So we tend to want to go after different grass because we think it's greener, rather than tending our own grass which has turned brown by this point because we're too busy looking at everyone else's grass. Does this make sense? It does in my mind so I'll try to make it make sense for the 2 of you reading this post.
Here's the problem, in my opinion. We are SO focused on what we don't have, that we don't really see, appreciate or take care of what we do have. In order for the grass to be green, we have to water the grass, we have to cut the grass, we might need to aerate, seed, pull weeds, and so on. The grass is NOT going to be green if we don't tend the grass. Let's face it, it's hard work to get the grass to be green and lush and beautiful. We are a world where instant gratification is what we know. We have no patience, we have no desire to really work at something. We prefer to take the easy way, we'd rather go through a fast food drive thru than spend 15-30 minutes preparing a meal at home. It's easier to walk away from a failing marriage than to put the hard work into making it better. We throw stuff away, we walk away, we "upgrade," we trade-in stuff for bigger or better or newer stuff. When our grass starts to turn brown or weeds start popping up, we just let it die, rather than trying to bring it back to life. It's a LOT of effort, it's too hard, and we don't have it in us to roll our sleeves up and get to work, so we just give up.
The thing that's really cool about God, is that He KNOWS how we are, He knows we covet, He knows we can't navigate this life on our own. He knows that we can't bring the dead to life. But He can. He has. He does. God gave us His word as our "life manual." Pretty much tells us how to do everything in that Bible on your shelf. He doesn't promise this life will be easy, but He does promise that He will be with us every step of the way. He is the way that our own grass can become green, even if it has turned brown and appears to be dead. By following Him, we can see the grass under our own feet, we can stop looking at everyone else's grass and ignoring ours. It's not easy, but it's possible.
Thanks be to God I do not have to figure out how to make my own grass green, Lord knows I'm not a green thumb! Thanks be to God I don't have to do all of this very hard work on my own. I do not have to covet, because I have Christ. By keeping my eyes on Jesus, I can learn to be grateful for what I have, rather than constantly yearn for what I don't have. I guarantee you this isn't easy. We are surrounded by greener grass all around us and it's so hard to not want it and to be content right where we are. Paul, who I first thought was an arrogant sexist, but have since come to deeply admire and strive to be like, says this in his letter to the Philippians in Chapter 4 (paraphrased in "The Message" by Eugene Peterson):
"I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."
Paul discovered that his own grass was enough for him, because of His relationship with Jesus. We need to stop looking at the grass on the other side and start tending our own grass with the help of the One that makes it green just because He's right beside us, right before us, right behind us, right in us. Thank you Jesus for helping me to see that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but it is green right where I stand because You are right with me and in me. I praise You for helping me to see this and to continue to follow Your lead in my life. It is not easy, especially in the world I live in. But You never said it would be easy...only that You would never leave me or forsake me. I love You more and more every day. Amen.
Exodus 20:17 New Living Translation (NLT)
17 “You must not covet your neighbor’s house. You must not covet your neighbor’s wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.”
In case you didn't understand the meaning of "covet" in this commandment, here it is:
cov·et: yearn to possess or have (something). "the president-elect covets time for exercise and fishing"
synonyms: desire, yearn for, crave, have one's heart set on, want, wish for, long for, hanker after/for, hunger after/for, thirst for "even with all they have, they covet the wealth of others"
So, now that we know what this means, here's what my thoughts are on the subject...in case anyone out there is actually reading my thoughts. In our world, especially in today's world, there is what appears to be "greener grass" EVERYWHERE. You have an iPhone 4 and your friend just got the iPhone 6, so now you want it too. You take your family to Omaha 3 hours away for an affordable vacation while you see pictures of your friend in St. Thomas with their spouse on a romantic getaway. Not only do we have greener grass everywhere, we can see it in pictures on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, You Tube...you get the idea. We have access multiple times a day to see glimpses of everyone's "greener grass" and we feel like we don't have enough, we aren't enough, we don't make enough money, we don't have enough stuff. So we tend to want to go after different grass because we think it's greener, rather than tending our own grass which has turned brown by this point because we're too busy looking at everyone else's grass. Does this make sense? It does in my mind so I'll try to make it make sense for the 2 of you reading this post.
Here's the problem, in my opinion. We are SO focused on what we don't have, that we don't really see, appreciate or take care of what we do have. In order for the grass to be green, we have to water the grass, we have to cut the grass, we might need to aerate, seed, pull weeds, and so on. The grass is NOT going to be green if we don't tend the grass. Let's face it, it's hard work to get the grass to be green and lush and beautiful. We are a world where instant gratification is what we know. We have no patience, we have no desire to really work at something. We prefer to take the easy way, we'd rather go through a fast food drive thru than spend 15-30 minutes preparing a meal at home. It's easier to walk away from a failing marriage than to put the hard work into making it better. We throw stuff away, we walk away, we "upgrade," we trade-in stuff for bigger or better or newer stuff. When our grass starts to turn brown or weeds start popping up, we just let it die, rather than trying to bring it back to life. It's a LOT of effort, it's too hard, and we don't have it in us to roll our sleeves up and get to work, so we just give up.
The thing that's really cool about God, is that He KNOWS how we are, He knows we covet, He knows we can't navigate this life on our own. He knows that we can't bring the dead to life. But He can. He has. He does. God gave us His word as our "life manual." Pretty much tells us how to do everything in that Bible on your shelf. He doesn't promise this life will be easy, but He does promise that He will be with us every step of the way. He is the way that our own grass can become green, even if it has turned brown and appears to be dead. By following Him, we can see the grass under our own feet, we can stop looking at everyone else's grass and ignoring ours. It's not easy, but it's possible.
Thanks be to God I do not have to figure out how to make my own grass green, Lord knows I'm not a green thumb! Thanks be to God I don't have to do all of this very hard work on my own. I do not have to covet, because I have Christ. By keeping my eyes on Jesus, I can learn to be grateful for what I have, rather than constantly yearn for what I don't have. I guarantee you this isn't easy. We are surrounded by greener grass all around us and it's so hard to not want it and to be content right where we are. Paul, who I first thought was an arrogant sexist, but have since come to deeply admire and strive to be like, says this in his letter to the Philippians in Chapter 4 (paraphrased in "The Message" by Eugene Peterson):
"I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."
Paul discovered that his own grass was enough for him, because of His relationship with Jesus. We need to stop looking at the grass on the other side and start tending our own grass with the help of the One that makes it green just because He's right beside us, right before us, right behind us, right in us. Thank you Jesus for helping me to see that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but it is green right where I stand because You are right with me and in me. I praise You for helping me to see this and to continue to follow Your lead in my life. It is not easy, especially in the world I live in. But You never said it would be easy...only that You would never leave me or forsake me. I love You more and more every day. Amen.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Giving up control
I'm just going to say it like it is. This whole following God journey is NOT easy. It's tough. I mean, I want to follow and I want to trust and I want to listen and obey. But it's HARD. I just want to take matters into my own hands even though God keeps telling me to trust Him. He keeps asking me to do things that I either truly don't want to do or that I just don't even know HOW I will do.
Yesterday morning, God and I had an interesting conversation in the shower. It was about something that's been weighing on my mind for a couple of months, if not longer. I had just finished reading some of the daily devotionals I read and in 3 separate devotionals the topic of tithing kept surfacing, which is what's been weighing on me. I went into the shower and had this little chat with God about it. It went something like this "God, I know I'm supposed to tithe and I want to and I know it's supposed to be 10%, I get that, but with the husband unemployed (again) and me paying for the family's health insurance now and all the bills I'm supposed to be paying, I just don't know how that's going to work." God: "do you trust me?" Me: "Um, really? Is that how we're going to do this? (Sigh) YES, I trust you." God: "then give the 10% and just see how I provide." Me: (panicking) "Really? Right now? Like go set up the auto donation through the church website and do this now, BEFORE I even know if my husband is going to get unemployment?" God: "Uh, ya now would be good." Me: "OK, FINE, I'M GOING TO TRUST YOU." Went to website, and it's down for 7 more days...satan trying to stop me from doing this, says a friend. Still, I will set it up and I have NO IDEA how this is going to work. I literally had around $13 from the last paycheck for almost a week before I got paid again this time. How on earth am I going to do this? Hard? UMMMM, YES. Freaking out. Trying not to freak out. I know this is what is right and I know that God is testing my faith. I even asked him at the end of all of this "HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE TESTING ME, HOW LONG AM I GOING TO BE GOING THROUGH THIS PRUNING PROCESS." And then God and I had a good chuckle while I said "I know, I know, pretty much for the rest of my life until I'm with you in heaven, right" God: "Right." HUGE SIGH.
I have plans, I have goals, I have things I want, I have things I don't want. God is really truly testing me lately, in many many areas of my life, not just financially. I literally feel like I'm walking through the fire. It's hot in here, just sayin. God wants me to wait on something and work on something that I've seriously just been done with and over for a long time. I have a right to be done. I would be justified to be done. But God says "NOPE, you need to trust me in this." So I am hanging in and waiting, and trusting and also crying and screaming and throwing a toddler style temper tantrum almost every day because I don't want to do this, it's TOO HARD!
I have thought about looking for another church that better suits my need for small groups / life groups and God says "NOPE, you stay where you are and you make your own group out of a group you're already a part of." I'm like, "really?" God: "YEP. Trust me." God tells me I'm supposed to help teach in this group on Sunday mornings. I say "REALLY? ME? WHY ME? I'm a Jew - I haven't even been in the church very long and I'm so not equipped to teach." God: "Yes, you, trust me." Me: "Ok, fine, I'll do it." Uncomfortable, yep.
God said it was time for me to be Baptized around this time last year, actually before then. I didn't want to. I tried to avoid, come up with excuses, etc. It was too hard...I'm a JEW. This is HARD. WHY? I can't begin to tell you how many signs I received confirming that it's what I was supposed to do. God was telling me, showing me, nudging, pushing. Not only did He want me to get Baptized, but He wanted me to get up in front of the entire congregation and tell my story...me, the introvert who HATES getting up in front of people to talk...dry mouth, sweaty pits, the whole thing, awful. Hate it! He told me to, so I did.
I KNOW in my heart and in my mind and in my soul that God is good and that He knows what's best for me and that He would never ask me to do something that ultimately wouldn't bring glory to Him and shape me into the woman He created me to be. But I also am a woman, and a human being, and I have this issue with CONTROL. This issue didn't start with me, and I'm sure it's not going to end with me...but you know the whole Eve and the apple story, right? We're all still paying for that by the way. I like to feel like I have some control over my life, over the people in my life, over the things I do and don't do, over my happiness. I want to be independent because I learned the hard way that you just can't depend on other people, you have to do things yourself, you have to take matters into your own hands or things will not work out the way they're supposed to (um, the way you want them to). So, how has this worked for me so far in my life...this idea of my taking control or trying to take control? Well, to be honest, not so well. Do I know this, YES I DO. But do I still try to take the control back like EVERY DAY? YES, I DO. Do I argue with God ALL THE TIME? Yes, I do. I wrestle, I argue, I throw fits, I say "but, but, but..." Guess who else argued or wrestled with God? Jacob, David, Moses, Jonah...I could go on and on but maybe you get the idea? These people we read about in the bible, they wanted to be in charge and not do what God wanted them to and they tried to avoid, hide, negotiate...but He used them all anyway. Was it painful? I'm sure it was!!! Is it painful for me, OH MY LORD YES. Do I want to scream and pull my hair out and throw myself on the floor and beat my head against a wall...yes, daily.
I feel like control will lead to happiness. I feel like happiness is what I want. I want a happy marriage, happy kids, happy job, happy life. Who doesn't want that? So we do everything we can to try to control things and people and events so that the happiness will come. The idea of giving up control over our lives is seriously contradictory to our human nature. The funny thing is that we all know that we ultimately have no control over our lives and we desperately grasp at anything we possibly can have control over and hold on as tightly as we can. We negotiate, manipulate, argue, beg, plead, demand, blackmail, bargain...with other people, and with God. The thing about this is that we think we have things under control but it's a false sense of security. So even though we try to hold onto it, we really don't have it. God does. No matter what we do or how hard we try, God is really the one in control. But knowing this doesn't stop us from trying. We are STUBBORN (do you like how I'm bringing everyone else into this with me). I am stubborn. I am impatient. I am independent and I want to do it myself.
This is making me think of when I let my teenage son drive - I give him the keys, he gets into the driver's seat, and what do I do? Say "stop, turn, slow down" or throw my arm across his chest like it's going to be stronger than the seatbelt or try to press the imaginary brake on my side of the car because I don't trust that he's going to get to a complete stop before the intersection. He'll look at me and say "mom, I got this, just trust me.") I know that might not be the BEST example in the world because hello, he's a teenage boy and he's a human and he makes mistakes. But what about God? Perfect. No mistakes. In control whether we give Him the keys or not, right? So then why can't I just hand Him the keys and go along for the ride? I want to trust Him, I really do. But it's HARD to not grab the wheel, press the brake, turn left when He's trying to steer me right. I keep trying to take back the reigns. I'll hand them to Him and then grab them back again at the first sign of trouble or panic. I don't want to, but I do.
So, here's the deal...we can hesitantly, begrudgingly turn the reigns of our lives (situations, relationships, people, events, finances) over to God and feel very out of control, unsure, scared to death about what's going to happen and we can continually or intermittently try to grab the reigns back (which is kind of like pressing the imaginary brake on our side of the car and expecting it will stop.) OR, we can ask Him to help us deal with the out of control, anxious, panicky feelings that we're going to have when we turn our stuff over to Him, and just go for the ride, not knowing where we're going, how long it will take to get there and when we'll run out of gas... What if we could believe that He really does have us, trust Him to get us to our destination...which He will, one way or another, whether we follow His lead or not, whether we allow Him to take the wheel or whether we try to grab and steer it in a different direction...what if we would truly realize that He's going before us, sitting next to us, and following behind us and we don't have to keep trying to grab the wheel.
Lord, it's not just my desire to follow you, obey what you're asking of me and trust that you'll get me where I need to be. It's also that I need help in giving up the control, help with the anxiety, the uncertainty, the panic and fear I experience whenever I do hear instruction from you. I am a hot mess, Jesus and I need You and I want You and I can't imagine navigating this life without You. But I'm afraid. Help me to trust and obey without fear. Your word says:
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10
I am counting on You. I know You will not fail me, help me to remember that every single moment of every single day. Thank you God for sending Your son, Yourself in human flesh to live and feel and die so that you fully understand us and so that we may better understand You and thank You for the resurrection, so that we know that death doesn't have the final say. I pray that You will continue to work in me, no matter how painful it is, so that I will be transformed into the woman You created me to be. I pray that Your perfect love will drive out my fear. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Yesterday morning, God and I had an interesting conversation in the shower. It was about something that's been weighing on my mind for a couple of months, if not longer. I had just finished reading some of the daily devotionals I read and in 3 separate devotionals the topic of tithing kept surfacing, which is what's been weighing on me. I went into the shower and had this little chat with God about it. It went something like this "God, I know I'm supposed to tithe and I want to and I know it's supposed to be 10%, I get that, but with the husband unemployed (again) and me paying for the family's health insurance now and all the bills I'm supposed to be paying, I just don't know how that's going to work." God: "do you trust me?" Me: "Um, really? Is that how we're going to do this? (Sigh) YES, I trust you." God: "then give the 10% and just see how I provide." Me: (panicking) "Really? Right now? Like go set up the auto donation through the church website and do this now, BEFORE I even know if my husband is going to get unemployment?" God: "Uh, ya now would be good." Me: "OK, FINE, I'M GOING TO TRUST YOU." Went to website, and it's down for 7 more days...satan trying to stop me from doing this, says a friend. Still, I will set it up and I have NO IDEA how this is going to work. I literally had around $13 from the last paycheck for almost a week before I got paid again this time. How on earth am I going to do this? Hard? UMMMM, YES. Freaking out. Trying not to freak out. I know this is what is right and I know that God is testing my faith. I even asked him at the end of all of this "HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE TESTING ME, HOW LONG AM I GOING TO BE GOING THROUGH THIS PRUNING PROCESS." And then God and I had a good chuckle while I said "I know, I know, pretty much for the rest of my life until I'm with you in heaven, right" God: "Right." HUGE SIGH.
I have plans, I have goals, I have things I want, I have things I don't want. God is really truly testing me lately, in many many areas of my life, not just financially. I literally feel like I'm walking through the fire. It's hot in here, just sayin. God wants me to wait on something and work on something that I've seriously just been done with and over for a long time. I have a right to be done. I would be justified to be done. But God says "NOPE, you need to trust me in this." So I am hanging in and waiting, and trusting and also crying and screaming and throwing a toddler style temper tantrum almost every day because I don't want to do this, it's TOO HARD!
I have thought about looking for another church that better suits my need for small groups / life groups and God says "NOPE, you stay where you are and you make your own group out of a group you're already a part of." I'm like, "really?" God: "YEP. Trust me." God tells me I'm supposed to help teach in this group on Sunday mornings. I say "REALLY? ME? WHY ME? I'm a Jew - I haven't even been in the church very long and I'm so not equipped to teach." God: "Yes, you, trust me." Me: "Ok, fine, I'll do it." Uncomfortable, yep.
God said it was time for me to be Baptized around this time last year, actually before then. I didn't want to. I tried to avoid, come up with excuses, etc. It was too hard...I'm a JEW. This is HARD. WHY? I can't begin to tell you how many signs I received confirming that it's what I was supposed to do. God was telling me, showing me, nudging, pushing. Not only did He want me to get Baptized, but He wanted me to get up in front of the entire congregation and tell my story...me, the introvert who HATES getting up in front of people to talk...dry mouth, sweaty pits, the whole thing, awful. Hate it! He told me to, so I did.
I KNOW in my heart and in my mind and in my soul that God is good and that He knows what's best for me and that He would never ask me to do something that ultimately wouldn't bring glory to Him and shape me into the woman He created me to be. But I also am a woman, and a human being, and I have this issue with CONTROL. This issue didn't start with me, and I'm sure it's not going to end with me...but you know the whole Eve and the apple story, right? We're all still paying for that by the way. I like to feel like I have some control over my life, over the people in my life, over the things I do and don't do, over my happiness. I want to be independent because I learned the hard way that you just can't depend on other people, you have to do things yourself, you have to take matters into your own hands or things will not work out the way they're supposed to (um, the way you want them to). So, how has this worked for me so far in my life...this idea of my taking control or trying to take control? Well, to be honest, not so well. Do I know this, YES I DO. But do I still try to take the control back like EVERY DAY? YES, I DO. Do I argue with God ALL THE TIME? Yes, I do. I wrestle, I argue, I throw fits, I say "but, but, but..." Guess who else argued or wrestled with God? Jacob, David, Moses, Jonah...I could go on and on but maybe you get the idea? These people we read about in the bible, they wanted to be in charge and not do what God wanted them to and they tried to avoid, hide, negotiate...but He used them all anyway. Was it painful? I'm sure it was!!! Is it painful for me, OH MY LORD YES. Do I want to scream and pull my hair out and throw myself on the floor and beat my head against a wall...yes, daily.
I feel like control will lead to happiness. I feel like happiness is what I want. I want a happy marriage, happy kids, happy job, happy life. Who doesn't want that? So we do everything we can to try to control things and people and events so that the happiness will come. The idea of giving up control over our lives is seriously contradictory to our human nature. The funny thing is that we all know that we ultimately have no control over our lives and we desperately grasp at anything we possibly can have control over and hold on as tightly as we can. We negotiate, manipulate, argue, beg, plead, demand, blackmail, bargain...with other people, and with God. The thing about this is that we think we have things under control but it's a false sense of security. So even though we try to hold onto it, we really don't have it. God does. No matter what we do or how hard we try, God is really the one in control. But knowing this doesn't stop us from trying. We are STUBBORN (do you like how I'm bringing everyone else into this with me). I am stubborn. I am impatient. I am independent and I want to do it myself.
This is making me think of when I let my teenage son drive - I give him the keys, he gets into the driver's seat, and what do I do? Say "stop, turn, slow down" or throw my arm across his chest like it's going to be stronger than the seatbelt or try to press the imaginary brake on my side of the car because I don't trust that he's going to get to a complete stop before the intersection. He'll look at me and say "mom, I got this, just trust me.") I know that might not be the BEST example in the world because hello, he's a teenage boy and he's a human and he makes mistakes. But what about God? Perfect. No mistakes. In control whether we give Him the keys or not, right? So then why can't I just hand Him the keys and go along for the ride? I want to trust Him, I really do. But it's HARD to not grab the wheel, press the brake, turn left when He's trying to steer me right. I keep trying to take back the reigns. I'll hand them to Him and then grab them back again at the first sign of trouble or panic. I don't want to, but I do.
So, here's the deal...we can hesitantly, begrudgingly turn the reigns of our lives (situations, relationships, people, events, finances) over to God and feel very out of control, unsure, scared to death about what's going to happen and we can continually or intermittently try to grab the reigns back (which is kind of like pressing the imaginary brake on our side of the car and expecting it will stop.) OR, we can ask Him to help us deal with the out of control, anxious, panicky feelings that we're going to have when we turn our stuff over to Him, and just go for the ride, not knowing where we're going, how long it will take to get there and when we'll run out of gas... What if we could believe that He really does have us, trust Him to get us to our destination...which He will, one way or another, whether we follow His lead or not, whether we allow Him to take the wheel or whether we try to grab and steer it in a different direction...what if we would truly realize that He's going before us, sitting next to us, and following behind us and we don't have to keep trying to grab the wheel.
Lord, it's not just my desire to follow you, obey what you're asking of me and trust that you'll get me where I need to be. It's also that I need help in giving up the control, help with the anxiety, the uncertainty, the panic and fear I experience whenever I do hear instruction from you. I am a hot mess, Jesus and I need You and I want You and I can't imagine navigating this life without You. But I'm afraid. Help me to trust and obey without fear. Your word says:
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10
I am counting on You. I know You will not fail me, help me to remember that every single moment of every single day. Thank you God for sending Your son, Yourself in human flesh to live and feel and die so that you fully understand us and so that we may better understand You and thank You for the resurrection, so that we know that death doesn't have the final say. I pray that You will continue to work in me, no matter how painful it is, so that I will be transformed into the woman You created me to be. I pray that Your perfect love will drive out my fear. In Jesus' name, Amen.
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