A fish swimming against the current

The idea for this post came to me this morning, when I was texting with a friend before church about how overwhelmed I feel sometimes that I know Jesus. The thing is, the Jews aren't really supposed to know yet. They had their chance first but they rejected Him as the Messiah because He didn't fit the mold of what they thought the Messiah would be. I don't understand why I get to know now. Sometimes I feel like I have all this pressure on me because I do know...and I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to do with it.

I mean, I feel very blessed that I get to know Jesus. I can't imagine going back to not knowing. It's just hard because I feel alone in this. Not that I don't have amazingly supportive friends on this journey, because I do and I'm so very grateful for them. It's just the part about being a Jew and the other Jews not knowing and that feeling of guilt because I'm going against the grain of what I was raised to believe. I told my friend that I feel like a fish swimming against the current, if that makes sense. Then I thought, hey this could be my next blog post...

I decided to look up a little information on fish. First of all, there are lots of references to fish in the bible. You had Jonah who was in the belly of a fish; Jesus' first disciples who were fisherman; the boy who had a couple fish that Jesus used to feed 5,000 people. I typed the word "fish" into the Bible Gateway website and there are 75 references to fish or fishing in the NLT version. I guess you could say the bible is kinda fishy (pun intended). I figured that when I was thinking I felt like a fish swimming against the current, I was in a minority. Turns out that while many fish do just go with the flow of the current, there are also lots of fish that swim against it. Some may swim to stay facing the current in one spot so they can gobble up some grub that comes their way. Some migrate upstream to lay eggs or return home. There are fish that swim in "schools" and fish that just kinda hang out doing their own thing. I was actually kind of surprised about the "current" theory being blown out of the water (another pun). As I pondered this more and read more, I realized that even though many fish DO swim against the current, it's really not all that easy, even for the fish that were designed to swim that way. So basically, while swimming against the current is more common than I initially thought, it is still difficult and requires a considerable amount of effort and energy.

Here's how I think I'd feel if I were a fish swimming against the current. I'd be huffing and puffing my way, fighting against the current, watching all of these other fish literally just float on by with the stream, enjoying their little fish lives and being able to hang out with their fish friends and just have an easy, chillaxing ride to wherever the current took them. I think I'd be kinda jealous of those other fish. I think I'd wish I could just take the easy stream too and stop having to fight so hard to swim upstream. But here's something else I'd think. I'd think I was actually accomplishing something. I would think that I was stronger than those fish. I think I would appreciate my destination a whole lot more because of how hard I had to work to get there. AH HA. I'm having a moment here. (This is what happens when I just start typing without really knowing where I'm going).

This is making me think about a story. When I was a kid, I didn't care much about school. I was just kind of floating along but never really worked hard, I just did what I had to do to get by and my grades reflected that. When my family moved far away just before my senior year of high school, I actually worked harder in school, because frankly, I didn't really have anything better to do. About 3 weeks into the school year, my Government teacher called me up to the front of the class to talk with him at his desk. I had NO idea what I had done wrong but I was so nervous. I got up there and he said something to me that I had never heard before, nor had I ever thought about myself...he said that I was too smart for his class and that I belonged in Honors Government. What? So, now I had a choice, I could stay in regular Government and just float along and be "smarter" than most, or I could swim upstream in an Honors class with kids that were WAY smarter than me and try something harder than I had ever tried before. I could stay and get an easy "A" in Government, OR I could work super hard to maybe get a "B" in Honors. I guess that was the beginning of this fish swimming against the current. I went into the Honors class, I got a "B" but I learned a lot and I felt this certain sense of pride and accomplishment that I'm not sure I'd felt before.

Now that I'm REALLY thinking about this whole fish thing more...I'm realizing that ever since then, I have chosen to swim upstream many more times. I went to college, which I don't think I would have otherwise done. I worked so hard to get my degree, it was not easy for me and it took me over 8 years to finish. I had weight loss surgery and have been fighting really hard to lose a lot of weight and keep it off (unfortunately I've gained some of it back recently but I'm fighting to lose it again). About 8 years ago, I found myself applying to nursing school and swimming against some really serious currents to become a Registered Nurse. I've had so many opportunities to take the lazy river and something in me has pushed upstream instead. I'm realizing as I'm typing this post, that I have felt this immense sense of accomplishment every time I've gone against the current to do something that seemed and felt impossible. In this faith journey I'm on, I really do feel like I'm a fish swimming upstream. I am constantly fighting to follow Jesus in a world that's just floating along in the lazy river. It feels like a fight against the beliefs I was raised on, the people that I was born into, a fight against all of the people and things telling me it's ok to quit trying so hard and just go with the flow. It really is difficult. I still don't know why I was chosen to know Jesus before the rest of the Jews. It feels overwhelming to think about what I'm supposed to do with this knowledge. I'm scared, it's hard, and sometimes I truly do just want to hide in the belly of a fish.

My friend responded to my text this morning with this message: "I understand that feeling. You feel it for your fellow Jewish friends and family and Jews in general. I feel it for the general population that refuses to acknowledge the maker of our very being. Our job is to be the Light. To be an example of God's love and grace one person at a time. It's God's job to save them. He is the savior. We just need to be His hands and feet. One.Person.At.A.Time. That's all. It can be overwhelming to think about all that are not saved."

I think I finally understand this part of Paul's second letter to Timothy in Chapter 4:

I solemnly urge you in the presence of God and Christ Jesus, who will someday judge the living and the dead when he comes to set up his Kingdom: 2 Preach the word of God. Be prepared, whether the time is favorable or not. Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching.

3 For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear. 4 They will reject the truth and chase after myths.

5 But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don’t be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at telling others the Good News, and fully carry out the ministry God has given you.

6 As for me, my life has already been poured out as an offering to God. The time of my death is near. 7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. 8 And now the prize awaits me—the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing.

I am a fish swimming against the current. It is hard and sometimes I wish I were just floating along in the stream and sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with this fight and this journey to be the Light that I just want to quit. I know what awaits me on the other side of this journey and I want to keep swimming upstream. I want to finish the race, I want to remain faithful. I pray that day by day, Jesus will give me the direction and the strength to "keep on swimming" like Dori tells a group of fish caught in a net in "Finding Nemo." Freedom in Christ is what I'm fighting for. Peace is what I'm fighting for. Everyone to be saved and know Jesus is what I'm fighting for. I don't have to have it all figured out, I just have to keep swimming and trusting, one day at a time.

God I pray that You will give me the strength, the courage, the discernment and the obedience to continue swimming against the currents of this world. I pray that You will guide me day by day in what You want me to do just that day and that You will help with my moments of feeling so overwhelmed I just want to give up. Help me to move past my fears into faith and to continue to follow You regardless of what obstacles are in my way. I am truly in awe of You and Your grace and Your love and Your mercy. I am thankful and blessed to know You, and I am thankful and blessed for the people that You have placed in my life to support and encourage my journey. I might be one of only a few Jew fish swimming upstream, but there are some pretty amazing Christian fish swimming with me too and I am grateful that You give me what I need, when I need it...even when I don't know what I need. I love you and I praise You in the name of Jesus. Amen.