Giving up control

I'm just going to say it like it is. This whole following God journey is NOT easy. It's tough. I mean, I want to follow and I want to trust and I want to listen and obey. But it's HARD. I just want to take matters into my own hands even though God keeps telling me to trust Him. He keeps asking me to do things that I either truly don't want to do or that I just don't even know HOW I will do.

Yesterday morning, God and I had an interesting conversation in the shower. It was about something that's been weighing on my mind for a couple of months, if not longer. I had just finished reading some of the daily devotionals I read and in 3 separate devotionals the topic of tithing kept surfacing, which is what's been weighing on me. I went into the shower and had this little chat with God about it. It went something like this "God, I know I'm supposed to tithe and I want to and I know it's supposed to be 10%, I get that, but with the husband unemployed (again) and me paying for the family's health insurance now and all the bills I'm supposed to be paying, I just don't know how that's going to work." God: "do you trust me?" Me: "Um, really? Is that how we're going to do this? (Sigh) YES, I trust you." God: "then give the 10% and just see how I provide." Me: (panicking) "Really? Right now? Like go set up the auto donation through the church website and do this now, BEFORE I even know if my husband is going to get unemployment?" God: "Uh, ya now would be good." Me: "OK, FINE, I'M GOING TO TRUST YOU." Went to website, and it's down for 7 more days...satan trying to stop me from doing this, says a friend. Still, I will set it up and I have NO IDEA how this is going to work. I literally had around $13 from the last paycheck for almost a week before I got paid again this time. How on earth am I going to do this? Hard? UMMMM, YES. Freaking out. Trying not to freak out. I know this is what is right and I know that God is testing my faith. I even asked him at the end of all of this "HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE TESTING ME, HOW LONG AM I GOING TO BE GOING THROUGH THIS PRUNING PROCESS." And then God and I had a good chuckle while I said "I know, I know, pretty much for the rest of my life until I'm with you in heaven, right" God: "Right." HUGE SIGH.

I have plans, I have goals, I have things I want, I have things I don't want. God is really truly testing me lately, in many many areas of my life, not just financially. I literally feel like I'm walking through the fire. It's hot in here, just sayin. God wants me to wait on something and work on something that I've seriously just been done with and over for a long time. I have a right to be done. I would be justified to be done. But God says "NOPE, you need to trust me in this." So I am hanging in and waiting, and trusting and also crying and screaming and throwing a toddler style temper tantrum almost every day because I don't want to do this, it's TOO HARD!

I have thought about looking for another church that better suits my need for small groups / life groups and God says "NOPE, you stay where you are and you make your own group out of a group you're already a part of." I'm like, "really?" God: "YEP. Trust me." God tells me I'm supposed to help teach in this group on Sunday mornings. I say "REALLY? ME? WHY ME? I'm a Jew - I haven't even been in the church very long and I'm so not equipped to teach." God: "Yes, you, trust me." Me: "Ok, fine, I'll do it." Uncomfortable, yep.

God said it was time for me to be Baptized around this time last year, actually before then. I didn't want to. I tried to avoid, come up with excuses, etc. It was too hard...I'm a JEW. This is HARD. WHY? I can't begin to tell you how many signs I received confirming that it's what I was supposed to do. God was telling me, showing me, nudging, pushing. Not only did He want me to get Baptized, but He wanted me to get up in front of the entire congregation and tell my story...me, the introvert who HATES getting up in front of people to talk...dry mouth, sweaty pits, the whole thing, awful. Hate it! He told me to, so I did.

I KNOW in my heart and in my mind and in my soul that God is good and that He knows what's best for me and that He would never ask me to do something that ultimately wouldn't bring glory to Him and shape me into the woman He created me to be. But I also am a woman, and a human being, and I have this issue with CONTROL. This issue didn't start with me, and I'm sure it's not going to end with me...but you know the whole Eve and the apple story, right? We're all still paying for that by the way. I like to feel like I have some control over my life, over the people in my life, over the things I do and don't do, over my happiness. I want to be independent because I learned the hard way that you just can't depend on other people, you have to do things yourself, you have to take matters into your own hands or things will not work out the way they're supposed to (um, the way you want them to). So, how has this worked for me so far in my life...this idea of my taking control or trying to take control? Well, to be honest, not so well. Do I know this, YES I DO. But do I still try to take the control back like EVERY DAY? YES, I DO. Do I argue with God ALL THE TIME? Yes, I do. I wrestle, I argue, I throw fits, I say "but, but, but..." Guess who else argued or wrestled with God? Jacob, David, Moses, Jonah...I could go on and on but maybe you get the idea? These people we read about in the bible, they wanted to be in charge and not do what God wanted them to and they tried to avoid, hide, negotiate...but He used them all anyway. Was it painful? I'm sure it was!!! Is it painful for me, OH MY LORD YES. Do I want to scream and pull my hair out and throw myself on the floor and beat my head against a wall...yes, daily.

I feel like control will lead to happiness. I feel like happiness is what I want. I want a happy marriage, happy kids, happy job, happy life. Who doesn't want that? So we do everything we can to try to control things and people and events so that the happiness will come. The idea of giving up control over our lives is seriously contradictory to our human nature. The funny thing is that we all know that we ultimately have no control over our lives and we desperately grasp at anything we possibly can have control over and hold on as tightly as we can. We negotiate, manipulate, argue, beg, plead, demand, blackmail, bargain...with other people, and with God. The thing about this is that we think we have things under control but it's a false sense of security. So even though we try to hold onto it, we really don't have it. God does. No matter what we do or how hard we try, God is really the one in control. But knowing this doesn't stop us from trying. We are STUBBORN (do you like how I'm bringing everyone else into this with me). I am stubborn. I am impatient. I am independent and I want to do it myself.

This is making me think of when I let my teenage son drive - I give him the keys, he gets into the driver's seat, and what do I do? Say "stop, turn, slow down" or throw my arm across his chest like it's going to be stronger than the seatbelt or try to press the imaginary brake on my side of the car because I don't trust that he's going to get to a complete stop before the intersection. He'll look at me and say "mom, I got this, just trust me.") I know that might not be the BEST example in the world because hello, he's a teenage boy and he's a human and he makes mistakes. But what about God? Perfect. No mistakes. In control whether we give Him the keys or not, right? So then why can't I just hand Him the keys and go along for the ride? I want to trust Him, I really do. But it's HARD to not grab the wheel, press the brake, turn left when He's trying to steer me right. I keep trying to take back the reigns. I'll hand them to Him and then grab them back again at the first sign of trouble or panic. I don't want to, but I do.

So, here's the deal...we can hesitantly, begrudgingly turn the reigns of our lives (situations, relationships, people, events, finances) over to God and feel very out of control, unsure, scared to death about what's going to happen and we can continually or intermittently try to grab the reigns back (which is kind of like pressing the imaginary brake on our side of the car and expecting it will stop.) OR, we can ask Him to help us deal with the out of control, anxious, panicky feelings that we're going to have when we turn our stuff over to Him, and just go for the ride, not knowing where we're going, how long it will take to get there and when we'll run out of gas... What if we could believe that He really does have us, trust Him to get us to our destination...which He will, one way or another, whether we follow His lead or not, whether we allow Him to take the wheel or whether we try to grab and steer it in a different direction...what if we would truly realize that He's going before us, sitting next to us, and following behind us and we don't have to keep trying to grab the wheel.

Lord, it's not just my desire to follow you, obey what you're asking of me and trust that you'll get me where I need to be. It's also that I need help in giving up the control, help with the anxiety, the uncertainty, the panic and fear I experience whenever I do hear instruction from you. I am a hot mess, Jesus and I need You and I want You and I can't imagine navigating this life without You. But I'm afraid. Help me to trust and obey without fear. Your word says:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

I am counting on You. I know You will not fail me, help me to remember that every single moment of every single day. Thank you God for sending Your son, Yourself in human flesh to live and feel and die so that you fully understand us and so that we may better understand You and thank You for the resurrection, so that we know that death doesn't have the final say. I pray that You will continue to work in me, no matter how painful it is, so that I will be transformed into the woman You created me to be. I pray that Your perfect love will drive out my fear. In Jesus' name, Amen.