When Faith meets the FIRE

It's time to be real here...saying one has faith and trust in God is one thing. But actually living out faith and trust in real life is quite another. When you are in the middle of the fire, it's super hard to be patient, to trust, to love. I'm about to get personal here...which I have been to some degree in past blogs, but this is SUPER personal. So, for the 2 of you who read this blog, and you probably already know this personal stuff anyway, here goes! ;)

My marriage has been in turmoil for MANY years. I almost got divorced this past summer. When I say almost, I mean I literally signed the papers and they had been sent to a judge on a Tuesday afternoon. According to my attorney, they should have been served by the end of the week. When Friday came and I hadn't heard anything, I contacted her. She was shocked that the papers hadn't even been signed by the judge yet. I asked God what in the world was He trying to tell me. I felt like God was asking me to wait and to let Him work in my marriage. SO I cancelled the papers. I am not going to tell you that my marriage is awesome. It's far from that. However, I have seen God working. I have been praying for years for God to change my husband's heart. I've been praying sporadically (although not whole heartedly) for God to change mine. I have been trying (although not whole heartedly) to trust God and to be patient. IT.IS.HARD. This is where my faith and trust have been tested the most recently. I think other than "coming out" to my family about believing in Jesus, this is the one area that it has been the most difficult to actually live out my faith and trust.

It's way easier to trust and have faith when things are going well in our lives. It's way easier to be thankful and praise God when we're getting what we want, feeling good, rolling along in life. But I have been in the fire. In the pit. Loneliness has consumed me. Bitterness and resentment have had their hooks in my heart for a long time. Pain has been unbearable at times. I have become someone that I don't believe God intended me to be. It's like being chained up in a dark prison. Paul suffered in prison, He was chained. He could have easily allowed bitterness, resentment, loneliness and pain to consume Him. But he didn't. He prayed, He trusted, He continued to spread the Good News to anyone and everyone that He possibly could. He lived out His faith and trust chained to a dirty, cold, dark prison floor. He lived in such a way that anyone who saw him saw God. His faith met the fire and didn't allow it to consume him and change him. This verse has been one to hold onto for me...

Isaiah 43:2 New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

My faith has been meeting the fire quite a bit recently in my marriage. I have, thanks be to God, been able to walk through the fire with grace, with some degree of peace, with mercy - admittedly not always, and certainly it's NOT been easy - but more than I have ever been able to before, because I'm allowing God to change me. Change is hard, but it has to start with me. If we wait around for someone else to change before we will...then we're allowing the fire to consume us. It was consuming me. Some days, it still is to some degree. But I have to push back against it, and do something different. I can't continue to live in the same cycle of turmoil and expect a different result. The change in my words, actions and reactions has led to some change in my spouse...and I think even in my boys. I have NO idea what's on the other side of the trust and faith I'm putting into God regarding my marriage. I haven't had hope in this marriage in a very long time. I'm not sure I do now either, but I have hope in God. I want to continue to live the way Jesus taught us to live. To serve, to love. It's totally counter cultural and counter intuitive for us to serve and love someone that is causing us so much pain. It's what we're supposed to do though. It's how we get set apart as children of God, as followers of Jesus. It's how other people see HIM. The way we treat others...toilet cleaners, spouses, kids, drive through workers, CEO's, famous people...we are to ALWAYS be the hands and feet of Jesus. Sometimes we can treat everyone else well except. Except our spouse, except our kids, except our parents, except a certain group of people, except that one person that has always treated us poorly. Paul says WHATEVER we do, we're do it in the name of Jesus...

Colossians 3:17 New International Version (NIV): 17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Lord I pray that You will keep me strong while I walk through this fire. Marriage is SUPER hard and you know that mine has been very difficult and very unhealthy for so long. I know that you have a plan that is greater than I can see. I want to continue to follow You, I want to trust and have faith that goes beyond my human understanding and do what's right, even if it's hard. I know that change has to start with me and I am so grateful that You are changing my heart. It's been difficult and painful and sometimes I just want to stop trying so hard, to give up the fight...but thanks to Your love and Your word and the work You are doing in me, I am making it through, one day at a time, one minute at a time. I'm sorry that there are times I lose my patience, I don't have grace or I slip back into old patterns. I'm human, and I'm a work in progress. Father, YOU are the potter, and I am the clay. I pray You will continue to shape me into the woman you have created me to be, so that in ALL I do and say, others will see YOU. I pray that You will continue to work in my husband's heart and that You will draw him to You. His disbelief in you is very difficult for me to deal with and it many times allows me to be discouraged and lose faith. I KNOW that with You, ALL things are possible. So I put my trust in You, today, in this moment...and I pray that I will have the strength to give you the next moment and the next day, one at a time until Your work in me and Your work in my marriage is complete. Thank You God for knowing what's best for me and for keeping me on the path that You have laid out for me. In the name of Jesus, I pray for my continued obedience to Your will in my life. Amen.