Matthew was a dishonest Jewish tax collector named Levi before Jesus chose him as a disciple, one of the twelve. Matthew went on to write his Gospel account specifically tailored to the Jews to present their hoped-for Messiah to them in ways that would answer their questions. While I love all of the Gospel accounts, I am particularly intrigued by Matthew's, both as a Jew and a follower of Jesus. In chapter 5, which also contains the "Beatitudes" ...totally worth reading and understanding, Matthew talks about something that I have been struggling with since I started this faith journey.
13 “You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless.
14 “You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. 15 No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. Matthew 5:13-15 New Living Translation (NLT)
In the beginning of my journey when I was REALLY believing this stuff in the New Testament, not just in theory, but trying to figure out how to put what I believed into practice, I had a very hard time with Verse 15 in particular. Why? Because I was a Jew who believed in Jesus as the Messiah, which goes against what I grew up learning and believing and goes against what my family and Jewish friends believe. Inside, I wanted to shout it from the mountaintops that Jesus is Lord. I wanted to put my light on the stand instead of hiding it under the basket. But outside, I felt tremendous amounts of shame and guilt not only in saying it out loud, but believing what I believed. I felt such a tremendous rub between honoring and respecting my people and wearing my faith on my sleeve. When I go back and read some of my earlier posts, the intense feelings of guilt come rushing back into my body like a tidal wave - I literally can still feel how I felt. It basically felt that (pardon the verbiage) I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. I felt like no matter what I did, I'd be disappointing someone. Either God or my family...or both.
I still do live in this rub, it's just not as intense as it was back then. I have "come out" to my family about my beliefs, although most of my Jewish friends still don't know. I have told many other people about my beliefs and I am fairly open about my faith with my patients, co-workers, Christian friends, gentile friends and even strangers. I still don't have the courage to wear a cross in public or display any in my home (mostly because of the unfortunate correlation to anti Semitism and my mom's very STRONG insistence that she never sees me wear one or display one...or pictures of Jesus...or other Christian symbols, on myself, my kids or my home). Now, I know that I'm an adult and that I have the right to do what I want to and that I shouldn't allow what others think to change who I am or how I live my life. However, when you already know that you've upset/disappointed people (especially your mother), and you know they don't want to hear about or talk about or see you waving that flag in their faces, because you know it's like pouring salt into an open wound...and when you know that God wants you to honor your parents...it makes it pretty difficult to really be true to who you are without offending those you love.
I'm a little bit of a social media junky. I freely admit my Facebook addiction. There are MANY ways and reasons that a follower of Christ should either avoid it, or at the least be very very careful and intentional about it's use. It is a distraction from God, from family and friends (real life relationships), can be a form of selfish ambition, of idolatry, of bullying, etc. I have struggled with what to post, how much to post, who I should or shouldn't include in my messages...I have feared upsetting people or offending or excluding...I have spent WAY too much time browsing posts and "liking" and commenting, and taking quizzes, and looking at pictures (and posting pictures, just ask my kids and husband). On the flip side, though, I have seen Facebook be like a stand where people can shine the light of Jesus to the masses. I have seen others post Christian song lyrics, images, bible verses, devotional readings and many stories of faith. I have seen how powerful social media can be in spreading evil AND of spreading good. So, in my "rub" between living my faith out loud and not wanting to offend my people...I have been afraid to "like" some of the good God stuff I've seen posted, I've been afraid to "share" all of the good things I see and believe and read and listen to.
The stronger my faith has become and the deeper my love of Christ has become rooted in my heart, the more bold I have been, especially on social media. I have been "liking" God stuff for a while, Jesus stuff only recently, and sometimes I even "share" stuff publically that is at least loosely associated with a belief in God. I finally made a decision this past weekend to create a group on Facebook initially entitled "Believers" - but since changed to "Soul Food." This is a place where I can freely share my faith with a large group of people. It's a "secret" group, which means that only those I invite to be "members" can see and post. I started out just inviting a small group of people, then I kept adding and adding more from my extensive list of Facebook friends, until I got up to 180 people. I feel good about this group and that it's been sparking some good conversation and hopefully planting a few seeds of faith in the lives of other people who may not fully believe. I also feel bad and ashamed of myself that I'm not courageous enough to make it public. It is my hope, desire and prayer that God will continue to work in me to become more and more bold and less and less concerned about offending others. It is really not easy, but I feel like this "secret" group is a step in the direction that I'd like to be heading in. So, my lamp is still partially hidden under the basket, but also partially up on a stand. It's definitely reaching more now than ever in my faith journey...and it's also definitely no where near where I hope it will be.
Jesus, I pray for Your strength and the confident faith I to boldly proclaim who YOU are to anyone and everyone. I want to be the salt and the light. I want to do everything both in word and deed to bring glory to You. I know You understand how I feel, as You were rejected by Your own people, You offended Your own family and Jewish people to bring the Good News to the world. I know that Your grace and mercy will cover me whether I hide my lamp under a basket or proudly display it on a table. I know that You have the patience to wait for me to do Your will on earth, but I also know what You want me to do. I pray that I will continue to listen and obey Your instruction and I pray that You go before me to soften the hearts and open the minds of those who will be most offended by my proclamation of faith. I pray that You will give me the right words and actions at the right times to speak Your truth in love and to show others who You are by how I live. I love You and I thank you for Your goodness and faithfulness. Amen.
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