Matthew was a dishonest Jewish tax collector named Levi before Jesus chose him as a disciple, one of the twelve. Matthew went on to write his Gospel account specifically tailored to the Jews to present their hoped-for Messiah to them in ways that would answer their questions. While I love all of the Gospel accounts, I am particularly intrigued by Matthew's, both as a Jew and a follower of Jesus. In chapter 5, which also contains the "Beatitudes" ...totally worth reading and understanding, Matthew talks about something that I have been struggling with since I started this faith journey.
13 “You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless.
14 “You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. 15 No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. Matthew 5:13-15 New Living Translation (NLT)
In the beginning of my journey when I was REALLY believing this stuff in the New Testament, not just in theory, but trying to figure out how to put what I believed into practice, I had a very hard time with Verse 15 in particular. Why? Because I was a Jew who believed in Jesus as the Messiah, which goes against what I grew up learning and believing and goes against what my family and Jewish friends believe. Inside, I wanted to shout it from the mountaintops that Jesus is Lord. I wanted to put my light on the stand instead of hiding it under the basket. But outside, I felt tremendous amounts of shame and guilt not only in saying it out loud, but believing what I believed. I felt such a tremendous rub between honoring and respecting my people and wearing my faith on my sleeve. When I go back and read some of my earlier posts, the intense feelings of guilt come rushing back into my body like a tidal wave - I literally can still feel how I felt. It basically felt that (pardon the verbiage) I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. I felt like no matter what I did, I'd be disappointing someone. Either God or my family...or both.
I still do live in this rub, it's just not as intense as it was back then. I have "come out" to my family about my beliefs, although most of my Jewish friends still don't know. I have told many other people about my beliefs and I am fairly open about my faith with my patients, co-workers, Christian friends, gentile friends and even strangers. I still don't have the courage to wear a cross in public or display any in my home (mostly because of the unfortunate correlation to anti Semitism and my mom's very STRONG insistence that she never sees me wear one or display one...or pictures of Jesus...or other Christian symbols, on myself, my kids or my home). Now, I know that I'm an adult and that I have the right to do what I want to and that I shouldn't allow what others think to change who I am or how I live my life. However, when you already know that you've upset/disappointed people (especially your mother), and you know they don't want to hear about or talk about or see you waving that flag in their faces, because you know it's like pouring salt into an open wound...and when you know that God wants you to honor your parents...it makes it pretty difficult to really be true to who you are without offending those you love.
I'm a little bit of a social media junky. I freely admit my Facebook addiction. There are MANY ways and reasons that a follower of Christ should either avoid it, or at the least be very very careful and intentional about it's use. It is a distraction from God, from family and friends (real life relationships), can be a form of selfish ambition, of idolatry, of bullying, etc. I have struggled with what to post, how much to post, who I should or shouldn't include in my messages...I have feared upsetting people or offending or excluding...I have spent WAY too much time browsing posts and "liking" and commenting, and taking quizzes, and looking at pictures (and posting pictures, just ask my kids and husband). On the flip side, though, I have seen Facebook be like a stand where people can shine the light of Jesus to the masses. I have seen others post Christian song lyrics, images, bible verses, devotional readings and many stories of faith. I have seen how powerful social media can be in spreading evil AND of spreading good. So, in my "rub" between living my faith out loud and not wanting to offend my people...I have been afraid to "like" some of the good God stuff I've seen posted, I've been afraid to "share" all of the good things I see and believe and read and listen to.
The stronger my faith has become and the deeper my love of Christ has become rooted in my heart, the more bold I have been, especially on social media. I have been "liking" God stuff for a while, Jesus stuff only recently, and sometimes I even "share" stuff publically that is at least loosely associated with a belief in God. I finally made a decision this past weekend to create a group on Facebook initially entitled "Believers" - but since changed to "Soul Food." This is a place where I can freely share my faith with a large group of people. It's a "secret" group, which means that only those I invite to be "members" can see and post. I started out just inviting a small group of people, then I kept adding and adding more from my extensive list of Facebook friends, until I got up to 180 people. I feel good about this group and that it's been sparking some good conversation and hopefully planting a few seeds of faith in the lives of other people who may not fully believe. I also feel bad and ashamed of myself that I'm not courageous enough to make it public. It is my hope, desire and prayer that God will continue to work in me to become more and more bold and less and less concerned about offending others. It is really not easy, but I feel like this "secret" group is a step in the direction that I'd like to be heading in. So, my lamp is still partially hidden under the basket, but also partially up on a stand. It's definitely reaching more now than ever in my faith journey...and it's also definitely no where near where I hope it will be.
Jesus, I pray for Your strength and the confident faith I to boldly proclaim who YOU are to anyone and everyone. I want to be the salt and the light. I want to do everything both in word and deed to bring glory to You. I know You understand how I feel, as You were rejected by Your own people, You offended Your own family and Jewish people to bring the Good News to the world. I know that Your grace and mercy will cover me whether I hide my lamp under a basket or proudly display it on a table. I know that You have the patience to wait for me to do Your will on earth, but I also know what You want me to do. I pray that I will continue to listen and obey Your instruction and I pray that You go before me to soften the hearts and open the minds of those who will be most offended by my proclamation of faith. I pray that You will give me the right words and actions at the right times to speak Your truth in love and to show others who You are by how I live. I love You and I thank you for Your goodness and faithfulness. Amen.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
When Faith meets the FIRE
It's time to be real here...saying one has faith and trust in God is one thing. But actually living out faith and trust in real life is quite another. When you are in the middle of the fire, it's super hard to be patient, to trust, to love. I'm about to get personal here...which I have been to some degree in past blogs, but this is SUPER personal. So, for the 2 of you who read this blog, and you probably already know this personal stuff anyway, here goes! ;)
My marriage has been in turmoil for MANY years. I almost got divorced this past summer. When I say almost, I mean I literally signed the papers and they had been sent to a judge on a Tuesday afternoon. According to my attorney, they should have been served by the end of the week. When Friday came and I hadn't heard anything, I contacted her. She was shocked that the papers hadn't even been signed by the judge yet. I asked God what in the world was He trying to tell me. I felt like God was asking me to wait and to let Him work in my marriage. SO I cancelled the papers. I am not going to tell you that my marriage is awesome. It's far from that. However, I have seen God working. I have been praying for years for God to change my husband's heart. I've been praying sporadically (although not whole heartedly) for God to change mine. I have been trying (although not whole heartedly) to trust God and to be patient. IT.IS.HARD. This is where my faith and trust have been tested the most recently. I think other than "coming out" to my family about believing in Jesus, this is the one area that it has been the most difficult to actually live out my faith and trust.
It's way easier to trust and have faith when things are going well in our lives. It's way easier to be thankful and praise God when we're getting what we want, feeling good, rolling along in life. But I have been in the fire. In the pit. Loneliness has consumed me. Bitterness and resentment have had their hooks in my heart for a long time. Pain has been unbearable at times. I have become someone that I don't believe God intended me to be. It's like being chained up in a dark prison. Paul suffered in prison, He was chained. He could have easily allowed bitterness, resentment, loneliness and pain to consume Him. But he didn't. He prayed, He trusted, He continued to spread the Good News to anyone and everyone that He possibly could. He lived out His faith and trust chained to a dirty, cold, dark prison floor. He lived in such a way that anyone who saw him saw God. His faith met the fire and didn't allow it to consume him and change him. This verse has been one to hold onto for me...
Isaiah 43:2 New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
My faith has been meeting the fire quite a bit recently in my marriage. I have, thanks be to God, been able to walk through the fire with grace, with some degree of peace, with mercy - admittedly not always, and certainly it's NOT been easy - but more than I have ever been able to before, because I'm allowing God to change me. Change is hard, but it has to start with me. If we wait around for someone else to change before we will...then we're allowing the fire to consume us. It was consuming me. Some days, it still is to some degree. But I have to push back against it, and do something different. I can't continue to live in the same cycle of turmoil and expect a different result. The change in my words, actions and reactions has led to some change in my spouse...and I think even in my boys. I have NO idea what's on the other side of the trust and faith I'm putting into God regarding my marriage. I haven't had hope in this marriage in a very long time. I'm not sure I do now either, but I have hope in God. I want to continue to live the way Jesus taught us to live. To serve, to love. It's totally counter cultural and counter intuitive for us to serve and love someone that is causing us so much pain. It's what we're supposed to do though. It's how we get set apart as children of God, as followers of Jesus. It's how other people see HIM. The way we treat others...toilet cleaners, spouses, kids, drive through workers, CEO's, famous people...we are to ALWAYS be the hands and feet of Jesus. Sometimes we can treat everyone else well except. Except our spouse, except our kids, except our parents, except a certain group of people, except that one person that has always treated us poorly. Paul says WHATEVER we do, we're do it in the name of Jesus...
Colossians 3:17 New International Version (NIV): 17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Lord I pray that You will keep me strong while I walk through this fire. Marriage is SUPER hard and you know that mine has been very difficult and very unhealthy for so long. I know that you have a plan that is greater than I can see. I want to continue to follow You, I want to trust and have faith that goes beyond my human understanding and do what's right, even if it's hard. I know that change has to start with me and I am so grateful that You are changing my heart. It's been difficult and painful and sometimes I just want to stop trying so hard, to give up the fight...but thanks to Your love and Your word and the work You are doing in me, I am making it through, one day at a time, one minute at a time. I'm sorry that there are times I lose my patience, I don't have grace or I slip back into old patterns. I'm human, and I'm a work in progress. Father, YOU are the potter, and I am the clay. I pray You will continue to shape me into the woman you have created me to be, so that in ALL I do and say, others will see YOU. I pray that You will continue to work in my husband's heart and that You will draw him to You. His disbelief in you is very difficult for me to deal with and it many times allows me to be discouraged and lose faith. I KNOW that with You, ALL things are possible. So I put my trust in You, today, in this moment...and I pray that I will have the strength to give you the next moment and the next day, one at a time until Your work in me and Your work in my marriage is complete. Thank You God for knowing what's best for me and for keeping me on the path that You have laid out for me. In the name of Jesus, I pray for my continued obedience to Your will in my life. Amen.
My marriage has been in turmoil for MANY years. I almost got divorced this past summer. When I say almost, I mean I literally signed the papers and they had been sent to a judge on a Tuesday afternoon. According to my attorney, they should have been served by the end of the week. When Friday came and I hadn't heard anything, I contacted her. She was shocked that the papers hadn't even been signed by the judge yet. I asked God what in the world was He trying to tell me. I felt like God was asking me to wait and to let Him work in my marriage. SO I cancelled the papers. I am not going to tell you that my marriage is awesome. It's far from that. However, I have seen God working. I have been praying for years for God to change my husband's heart. I've been praying sporadically (although not whole heartedly) for God to change mine. I have been trying (although not whole heartedly) to trust God and to be patient. IT.IS.HARD. This is where my faith and trust have been tested the most recently. I think other than "coming out" to my family about believing in Jesus, this is the one area that it has been the most difficult to actually live out my faith and trust.
It's way easier to trust and have faith when things are going well in our lives. It's way easier to be thankful and praise God when we're getting what we want, feeling good, rolling along in life. But I have been in the fire. In the pit. Loneliness has consumed me. Bitterness and resentment have had their hooks in my heart for a long time. Pain has been unbearable at times. I have become someone that I don't believe God intended me to be. It's like being chained up in a dark prison. Paul suffered in prison, He was chained. He could have easily allowed bitterness, resentment, loneliness and pain to consume Him. But he didn't. He prayed, He trusted, He continued to spread the Good News to anyone and everyone that He possibly could. He lived out His faith and trust chained to a dirty, cold, dark prison floor. He lived in such a way that anyone who saw him saw God. His faith met the fire and didn't allow it to consume him and change him. This verse has been one to hold onto for me...
Isaiah 43:2 New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
My faith has been meeting the fire quite a bit recently in my marriage. I have, thanks be to God, been able to walk through the fire with grace, with some degree of peace, with mercy - admittedly not always, and certainly it's NOT been easy - but more than I have ever been able to before, because I'm allowing God to change me. Change is hard, but it has to start with me. If we wait around for someone else to change before we will...then we're allowing the fire to consume us. It was consuming me. Some days, it still is to some degree. But I have to push back against it, and do something different. I can't continue to live in the same cycle of turmoil and expect a different result. The change in my words, actions and reactions has led to some change in my spouse...and I think even in my boys. I have NO idea what's on the other side of the trust and faith I'm putting into God regarding my marriage. I haven't had hope in this marriage in a very long time. I'm not sure I do now either, but I have hope in God. I want to continue to live the way Jesus taught us to live. To serve, to love. It's totally counter cultural and counter intuitive for us to serve and love someone that is causing us so much pain. It's what we're supposed to do though. It's how we get set apart as children of God, as followers of Jesus. It's how other people see HIM. The way we treat others...toilet cleaners, spouses, kids, drive through workers, CEO's, famous people...we are to ALWAYS be the hands and feet of Jesus. Sometimes we can treat everyone else well except. Except our spouse, except our kids, except our parents, except a certain group of people, except that one person that has always treated us poorly. Paul says WHATEVER we do, we're do it in the name of Jesus...
Colossians 3:17 New International Version (NIV): 17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Lord I pray that You will keep me strong while I walk through this fire. Marriage is SUPER hard and you know that mine has been very difficult and very unhealthy for so long. I know that you have a plan that is greater than I can see. I want to continue to follow You, I want to trust and have faith that goes beyond my human understanding and do what's right, even if it's hard. I know that change has to start with me and I am so grateful that You are changing my heart. It's been difficult and painful and sometimes I just want to stop trying so hard, to give up the fight...but thanks to Your love and Your word and the work You are doing in me, I am making it through, one day at a time, one minute at a time. I'm sorry that there are times I lose my patience, I don't have grace or I slip back into old patterns. I'm human, and I'm a work in progress. Father, YOU are the potter, and I am the clay. I pray You will continue to shape me into the woman you have created me to be, so that in ALL I do and say, others will see YOU. I pray that You will continue to work in my husband's heart and that You will draw him to You. His disbelief in you is very difficult for me to deal with and it many times allows me to be discouraged and lose faith. I KNOW that with You, ALL things are possible. So I put my trust in You, today, in this moment...and I pray that I will have the strength to give you the next moment and the next day, one at a time until Your work in me and Your work in my marriage is complete. Thank You God for knowing what's best for me and for keeping me on the path that You have laid out for me. In the name of Jesus, I pray for my continued obedience to Your will in my life. Amen.
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