One down...many more to go...

Last Tuesday, I sat in my closet for a little alone time with God (a great suggestion from a great friend). I really didn't have an agenda for us, but I came out of that closet feeling convicted to (finally) write (re-write) the letter to my mom explaining of my faith in Jesus as the Messiah. So, I wrote. I think the first sentence was re-done about 4 or 5 times but then once I got past that, the words just were flowing like a river. Then, on Thursday, before I went to play with my sweet little baby nephews, I grabbed the letter, the book "Betrayed" I got for her, and an envelope. I thought, maybe I should just go ahead and mail this out today, and she'll get it tomorrow night after she gets home and after I'm off work and we'll have the whole weekend to process through it all. I had heart palpitations all day thinking about doing this. On my way home from playing with the boys, I texted my friend and spiritual mentor...who called me and bless her heart stayed on the phone with me, encouraging me and praying for me while I addressed the envelope, bought the stamp...and, yes, put it in the mailbox. As I walked away from the post office, tears in my eyes, heart beating out of my chest...I felt both a sense of relief and anxiety. I told God that it was in His hands now...and I committed this to Him...it was done.

Friday evening came, and I was anxiously and fearfully anticipating "the call" from my mom...when I saw her picture and name come up on my caller id, my heart literally dropped into my stomach. She was totally normal - asking about going to the gym with us on Saturday - I knew she hadn't gotten my package yet - no way would she be that normal after opening THAT! So, the next day, my youngest son and I went to pick her up, took her with us to the gym, then the grocery store, then back to her place. As we were rolling in the cart of her groceries, she went to the mailbox...the first thing she pulled out was my package, then several other items...not paying attention to what she had. I grabbed the mail and put it one of her bags and then we proceeded up the elevator and down the hall to her apartment - with my heart seriously beating out of my chest. OMG - what am I supposed to do??? I was debating with myself whether I should stay or leave...and then she went to return the cart to it's proper place in the building. There I was, staring at that envelope. I had a choice. I could take it and run and forget about doing this today - I literally could take back what I just two days earlier committed to God. Or I could leave it, or I could personally hand it to her when she got back.

I took the envelope out of the bag...I had it in my hands. I grabbed a pen, I wrote a note on the outside of the envelope - something about sorry I couldn't do this in person, it was too hard...and then, when she got back, my son and I left. Heart going completely insane...I'm pretty sure that anyone could put their hand anywhere NEAR my chest and PALPATE my heartbeat at this point. I told my son I was scared and I started to cry and we talked a little bit, he asked me why I was scared and I told him that I knew Grandma would be very disappointed in me and I was scared about how she'd react (I had told my boys on Thursday that I mailed it). I don't remember everything about that conversation, but I do remember him saying "but mom, we're supposed to spread the love of Jesus!" Oh my little boy...wise beyond his years for sure. So we got home and I again anxiously and fearfully waited for her call.

She called. At first she had only seen the book, and was wondering what in the heck was going on with me...but I told her there was a letter in there and so she said she'd go read it. Then another call, lots of things to say...from thinking I had been brainwashed to "please DO NOT tell anyone else, especially your sister." She was definitely not happy. We talked for a bit, well mostly she talked for a bit, requesting things like may she never see a cross on my boys or myself, may she never walk into my home and see a cross or a picture of Jesus...telling me how and why she didn't believe in Jesus...honestly I can't remember everything she said, but I dropped to the floor of my bathroom after we hung up (another call was coming in, and she can't not answer a phone call...) and I just leaned against the bathtub, sobbing. Partially out of relief - because she did say she still loves me - and partially because I was so shocked that she begged me to keep it a secret. I mean, if I'm going to "come out" about this, I'm going to "come out" to everyone - I just thought she should be the first one. How, I thought, do I both obey and honor God and honor my mother as the 5th commandment asks me to do??????????????

So, she called another time, leaving a message that she had told my aunt (her sister) but that she would NOT be telling anyone else, and again urged me not to either and also said some things that my aunt said about everything. My non-practicing, non-observant aunt was clearly not happy either. I didn't call her back because my best friend had come over with her son and we were having dinner (and some wine, Lord knows I needed it at that moment)...and then later we were watching the weekly video for our bible study and my mom called, AGAIN. Initially, she BEGGED me not to put anything about this on Facebook. She had lots of things to say, she told me she had cried alot, and also that she couldn't seem to locate the book I gave her - (small one bedroom apartment, who knows what happened but I'm sure the devil has a hand in that somehow) and talked about a cousin of hers who had believed and was dis-owned by many in the family, talked about her belief about the Messiah, again thought maybe I'd been brainwashed, strongly encouraging me to NOT go to church (little does she know) - she thought it would be best for me to just go outside to pray rather than go to a church. The thing is, is that to my mom, the Cross and Church are about the same as having a picture of the head of the KKK in the home of a black person - this is the only way I can explain how she feels about it. She pretty much said she didn't want to know if I was going to church, didn't want to know if I was going to get "dunked" and stated that she wants to live to be 85 so she can see all of my sister's boys have their Bar Mitzvah's, and also requested that when she die, I go to synagogue to recite the mourner's prayer for a month and then once a year on the anniversary of her death. WHEW.

Lots of heavy stuff. Ultimately, what I heard in that conversation was a TON of fear and a TON of ignorance. It's heartbreaking, but I understand and I will try to honor and respect her as best as I can, while following God and obeying Him first. I interjected a few times to say things but I think mostly likely everything that I said fell on deaf ears. But, we did dialogue - we did dialogue. I sensed a curiosity in her and in as much as she was absolutely against what I was saying I believe, she was talking about stuff and asking questions and seemed like discussions might be ok to have about all this...and she did say that she'd read the book, if she can find it.

She didn't keel over, either did I. I realized that by far, this was the BIGGEST act of obedience to God that I have personally EVER experienced. I also realized that I must REALLY REALLY REALLY believe that Jesus is the Messiah to have told my mom I believe He is. I kept saying that I would know when it was time, and I did - I knew when I knew and that was that. God is so good and so incredibly patient and even though I said I would know when I knew, I didn't really fully believe that - until I KNEW and I did it. This gives me hope and it makes me TRUST God even more than ever. He WILL lead me if I will seek Him. He will place those nudging's in my gut and in my heart and I know that when I follow Him, He will be with me, and I will see fruit...maybe not today, maybe not in 5 years, maybe not ever while I'm living on this earth, but eventually, eternally, I will see fruit from my obedience.

In the meantime, I'm giving my mom some time to recover from the initial shock, and I will tell the rest of my family, starting with my sister, when and how God leads me to. I will know when I know.

God, I thank you for Your amazing love, mercy, grace, patience and nudging's. I know that You created me and that You have a plan for me and that if I am still and seek you and am obedient to Your will, that I will know and see and follow Your leading. I pray for the wisdom and discernment and the courage and strength to continue to listen to You above anyone on this earth. I pray that I will continue to obey You first, even if that means strained relationships, severed relationships and/or a lot of pain and suffering will come my way. I pray that I will always remember how faithful You are and always have been, and I pray in Jesus' name that I can continue to be brave and bold in sharing my faith with my family, with my friends, with total strangers. Amen.

Watering the plants...

I'm not really a plant person, and do not have a green thumb. But I have been thinking about plants lately, and how they are like people. When you have plants, you have to water them so they can live and grow. If you don't water them, water them too much, or don't water them enough, they will wither away and die. You have to make sure that you keep up with them, pay attention to them, some people talk to their plants, some use special plant food or a different kind of dirt that provides nutrients to help them thrive, some require sunlight while others grow best in the dark. Any way you look at it, it takes time and effort and intentionality to keep them from dying. Sometimes we have a special plant that ends up requiring more effort to keep alive, so we pay extra attention to it, or it has particular needs that the others don't have and we really don't want this one to die so we work really hard everyday to make sure it's thriving. Before we know it, we may notice that some of our other plants are dying. We didn't mean to forget about them, but this one plant required so much of us that we lost track of the others. It's hard to keep up with all of those plants sometimes.

Our relationships with people are very similar to plants. It takes effort and time and intentionality to keep them alive and for them to grow. Sometimes we get so caught up with one or two of our relationships that we inadvertently lose track of the others. Our lives get so busy. We have jobs and kids and parents and activities, we get distracted by life and stuff that we forget to "water" some of our plants. Life can get pretty overwhelming and the demands on our time grow and we can't even sometimes get a moment to ourselves to breathe, let alone keep up with all the people in our lives. How do some people do it, they manage to maintain several close relationships, while taking care of their families and work responsibilities, some put in several hours of volunteer hours to serve others, many have hobbies or other demands and they're being pulled in so many different directions, but somehow they manage to continue to water all of their plants. Where do they get all this water? How do they do it, keep up with so many relationships at once??

Well I have a couple thoughts about this. First of all, the single most important relationship that requires much and in turn gives us much, is our relationship with God. He's the living water that we need every day. As I mentioned in my last post, God is the one that fills our jars. When we turn to Him everyday and work on our relationship with Him, when we seek Him and His will for us, He will direct us and provide what we need to thrive. When we are thriving in this relationship, He will guide us in our other relationships. God gives us wisdom, discernment and encouragement. He expects us to use what He gives us and then give to others. How do we know this? We look at Jesus. He was in constant communion with God, taking breaks from the disciples and the crowds of people everyday to be alone and pray and nourish His relationship with God. Then, He was able to be a great friend, healer and example to all of us and He showed us the way to treat others. He got what He needed from His father, and He turned around and gave to His people. He was a man in demand! People from all over wanted a piece of this guy Jesus. They just wanted to see Him, hear Him speak, touch Him, brush by Him...anything, just to get close to Him. He was THE celebrity of all celebrities...and I'm sure He was overwhelmed trying to keep up with everyone. But He showed us how. Just read this little excerpt from John 13:

John 13:12-17 - 12 When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. "Do you understand what I have done for you?" he asked them. 13 “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

John 15 goes on to say 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

I know how hard it is to keep up with relationships with all the demands of life. I believe that if we keep our relationship with God at the center of our lives and we ask Him to, He will show us where and how to give of ourselves to others. To our spouses or significant others, to our kids and other family, to our friends and to others we don't even know yet. Our God is all about relationship. He wants us to have an incredible relationship with Him so that we can have incredible relationships with others. He will give us all we need so we can give to others. Ask Him for His living water, and you'll have plenty in your watering can to keep all those plants flourishing.

Lord I thank you for giving me so many amazing people in my life. I recognize that these people are gifts from you. The demands on my time grow continually and it can become difficult to keep watering all of these plants. It's easy to get overwhelmed and lose track of some of my relationships. It's easy to focus on one or two and then slowly lose track of others. I know that the only way I can nourish all of my relationships is to seek You first. You can give me the wisdom and discernment to know where my watering can needs to go next, and how much water to pour into each of my "plants" to keep them alive and thriving. On my own, I can't always figure out the balance, but with You and Your guidance, I can maintain and grow in the relationships You desire for me to keep. You alone are my living water, and I know I can keep returning to you for more when I feel that my can is empty. Thank for You loving me well so that I can love others well. I don't do it perfectly like You do, but I try and I need You to help me where I fail. Amen.

The jar of life...

So I've been neglecting my blog a bit lately. Not because I haven't had thoughts...I have a million of those daily and they keep me up half the night many times too. But, I seemed to have been inspired today by something my BFF said, and by some stuff in my Beth Moore bible study (Breaking Free, HIGHLY recommend this one), and by today's sermon at church. I know that I tend to ramble and sometimes I'm not sure that I can follow what I'm saying, let alone anyone reading this. So I'll try to make sense of my thoughts but I can't make any promises.

So, here's a little glimpse into my texting conversation today with the bestie: Her: "I was thinking this morning about people who don't follow and how some people seem fine without God." Me: "Seem fine...that's the key. You may seem and even think your'e fine...and then you find Jesus and realize you were so not fine."

I know a lot of people, and in fact, I WAS one of those people...who thought, "hey, I'm a good person, I try to do what's right, I'm nice to people, I give to charity...I don't really need religion, I don't really need to go to synagogue." Basically, I was saying and many people say, I'm good without God. Here's the thing...God created us to have empty spaces in our jar. Many of us think our jar is pretty full, or that if we just had [money, a spouse, a bigger house, a better car, a good job...insert just about anything here] that we'd be full! There's always just "one more thing" we "need" or "want" to have that fullness we innately desire. But God didn't have all that stuff in mind when He created us. He actually purposefully left empty spaces in our jar of life. Why? Because He knows and He wants us to know, that HE is the only thing that can truly fill us up. Beth Moore, in her video session this week, stuffed a glass vase full of things that we fill our lives with (men, money, cell phone, sports, activity stuff, a baby, etc etc). That vase looked pretty full. It seemed to be stuffed. Didn't look like you could fit anything else in there. Then she poured water in the vase and you could clearly see all those empty spaces, and now they were full. A little scripture...John 4, I won't give you the whole story, because I think you should go read it, but here's a verse, John 4:10 "Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.” Friends, our jars cannot be full without God. We may truly believe they're full, we may truly believe we have all we need, that we're happy and that we're "fine" without God.

It's entirely possible to go through your entire life, be on your death bed, believe that you have been "fine" and die without knowing or having known Jesus. Frankly, this just makes me sad. Because now that I know...now that I see...I know how so not fine I was before! I know how empty I truly was. I know how empty people that don't believe really are, and they may not even realize it. Now that I know...I can't even imagine my life without God. The empty spaces. The desperate wanting and seeking for something to fill them up. My heart, my life...has been changed. Truly transformed by knowing Jesus. He has given me living water and I can't get enough. I'm not saying I don't have times of feeling empty. I feel loss, I feel guilt, I feel lonely, I feel sad and I have longings in my heart. The cost of following Jesus is not easy and it will not be easy...and it will be really hard when I do finally tell my family, it's really hard now. But I know that God...is the only One that can fill all of those empty spaces, that can heal all of my brokenness. He came to bind up the brokenhearted. I can tell you that I was NOT fine before I knew Him.

Following Jesus comes at a cost and there are sacrifices to be made. It's hard to let go and let God do His work in us. I'm still learning, still failing, but still desperately want to follow Him and live in His will. I know that His will won't always match up with mine. I know that I have to TRUST Him. Completely. With everything. With everyone. Hold nothing back. If I will let Him...He will fill my jar, over and over and over. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. If I let Him. It's hard to let go and not be in control. But I know that His ways and His timing are perfect. So, one thing, one person, one empty space at a time, I'm learning and trying to trust, to let go and to let Him fill my jar of life. Only He can. Only He is meant to.

God I thank you for opening my eyes to your truth. I know that not everyone knows You. I know that there are many people walking around this earth either thinking they're fine without You, or they're seeking for something or someone or many things or many someone's that can fill up the empty spaces. I know now that You are the One, the ONLY One, that can fill up our jars. I know and I am blessed to know, that you are the living water and that I can have as much as I want, and never be thirsty again. Jesus, You are THE Way, THE Truth, and THE Life. I cannot imagine my life without You and I know I wasn't truly living until I knew You. I know that following You is hard...and there are times I want to push the "unfollow" button for just a time...so that I can be in control of something, someone, myself. But I truly know and believe that, having done this so many times already, that I have no business trying to fill my own jar. I may think I know what I need to fill up my jar and Lord you know how often I've tried and been wrong. You've allowed me to "unfollow" you...because You gave me free will. Jesus, I want to follow You and never push that button again. We both know on my own I'll fail. But we also both know that through You, all things are possible. Please fill my jar of life today, and every day. Remind me through Your Word, through prayer, through my Godly relationships and through my relationship with You that You gave me life and everything that I have and that I am is from You...help me to live in Your will, and to let you fill my jar! I pray in the name of Jesus! Amen.

Security

One thing that I love...and sometimes hate...about my faith journey, is that I've had to take some long hard looks into my own soul. If I'm going to grow into a woman in whom Christ dwells, and if I'm going to surrender to Him so He can shape and refine me into the woman He created me to be, then I need to know, REALLY know, who I am and who I've been. Sometimes I see good things, and sometimes, I see some not so good things about myself. The really cool thing is that God loves me no matter what and He's already forgiven every sin in thought or action that I have ever committed and will ever commit. But as I mentioned in my last post, the way to salvation involves surrender and sacrifice. It has to. If I don't let Jesus transform me by surrendering and sacrificing all my stuff to Him, then I'm not fully living in His will and I'm not fully accepting His salvation. So I've been pondering alot lately about who I am and why I can't fully surrender. I know things in my head, and some of it has seeped into my heart, and I know that I'm changing...but I've got issues, big issues, that are standing in the way of my surrender. I think this week, I've stumbled upon the BIG issue, the one that has always always affected my thoughts, my actions, my reactions, my relationships, and ultimately my surrender to the One true God.

Here it is...insecurity. I've always been insecure. I've always had low self-esteem. I've always struggled with the insecurity and it has always followed me everywhere I've gone in my life. It followed me into the classroom when I was a kid and was afraid to raise my hand or speak up, even if I knew the answer. It followed me to the softball fields and basketball courts when I never felt "good enough" to play. It followed me into my food choices, exercise habits (or lack thereof) and it followed me into obesity and back down again, into all of my friendships, my relationships with men, into my family relationships...everywhere. I have never been able to shake this insecurity no matter how hard I've tried and no matter how much I've accomplished. I've had moments where I've had spurts of security - and when I look back, those have ALL come from external sources: pats on the back from other people recognizing a job well done, encouragement from a youth group leader to see myself as a beautiful and wonderful person, getting good grades, graduating from college and then nursing school, recognition from others on my weight loss, friends who have had great things to say about me...not that any of these things are bad. It's good to be recognized by others and to be esteemed by them. But, here's the problem...none of this has led to true security, lasting security in being comfortable in my own skin and in being content. My insecurities have led to broken or damaged relationships, body image issues whether obese or not, and they are a huge reason for why I haven't told my family of my faith...and especially I think the biggest reason for my lack of surrender and full acceptance of the gift of salvation that Jesus has given.

Just like Adam and Eve didn't realize they were naked until they had sinned, insecurity is a failure to realize who we are because satan has gotten to us. He's fed us lie after lie and is doing everything in his power to separate us from God and from salvation. He wants to keep us in our sinful nature, wants to break our spirit and keep The Spirit out of us. He's pretty sneaky in how he does this and our society and our sinful world is doing nothing to help us get out of this darkness and into God's light. If we are to be free, to surrender, to live in God's will, to live in the light...we have to go into these dark places of our souls and we have to rebuke satan and rely on Scripture. We have to be in God's word, know His word, use His word when negative, dark thoughts come into our heads, and we need to not let ANYTHING or anyone separate us from God's love. Saying and doing are definitely two different things. But I am trying, with God's help, to replace all of the negative, insecure thoughts and feelings I have with His truths. My security can ONLY come from God and from seeing my reflection through His eyes, and not my own, and not the world's. This is hard and it's a process. I will be fighting this battle the rest of my life, I'm sure...but I have someone who will ALWAYS be with me, will go before me, walk beside me and follow behind. Someone who will never leave me or forsake me, who will never break His promises to me, who will always love me unconditionally and deeply, never disappoint me or hurt me. I have to learn to trust in that, fully trust in that and to stand firm on that no matter what my circumstances are. I cannot be complete without the ONLY one that can complete me, can truly satisfy me and IS the only security I need.

God, I recognize that I've allowed satan to bring me into the darkness of my own insecurities and to keep me there and I can see how much damage my insecurities have caused myself, my family, my friends and my spouse. I cannot fight these thoughts and feelings I have on my own. I need Your strength, I need Your Word to speak truth into my soul everyday, every hour, every minute. I need You to help me turn my negative thoughts and my negative perceptions of me and of others in my life into positive ones...by the promises You have given. I want to surrender all of my stuff to You Jesus but I know I can't or won't do that while I'm still living in the slavery of my insecurities. Please help me stand up to satan and fight this spiritual battle that invades my life so deeply. I pray that each day, as I seek You and talk to You, that You will show me the way to security, to freedom, to my abiding in You and You in me. Thank for your patience and for showing me the log I clearly have in my own eye, when I've been so quick to point out the speck in others eyes. I recognize this as my own insecurity and I want to live in Your security. I love you and I thank you for Your redeeming work in my life and in the world. In Jesus name, Amen.

Surrender, Sacrifice, and seeing only a Sliver...

So, in my journey to walk with God and to know Him and understand Him, one of the most difficult things to grasp is this concept of surrender.

According to Merriam-Webster, surrender is:
1 transitive verb
a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand
b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another
2 intransitive verb
a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner
b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)
3 intransitive verb
: to give oneself up into the power of another : yield

"Surrender." Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web 19 Aug. 2013. "http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/surrender."

Spiritually, I believe that this means that we need to yield to God, that we need to believe that He sees the entirety of our life on earth and not just the "sliver" that we see in the present and that He asks us to trust Him enough to surrender our "wants" to His will. For me, this concept is difficult because I've been living life for me, even though I've historically been someone who does things for others, in the grand scheme of my life, I've been pretty darn selfish. I want what I want, when I want it and how I want it. But to surrender to God means doing things I don't want to do but that I feel or know that God wants me to do...and it means to not do things that I want to do that go against His will for me. This all goes back to my "gut" and what I feel God is nudging me to either do or not do, and then to actually follow through with those things in obedience. Definitely not as easy or simple as it sounds. For example, I have a sharp/sarcastic way of dealing with people who frustrate or hurt me (mostly my own family). I really do believe that this is NOT how God wants me to behave. I do believe that He wants me to speak kindness, love, humility and self-sacrifice into every situation and to every person I come into contact with. Easy? Sometimes, especially if it's a stranger at the store or a gathering of friends or people at church...I don't seem to have a hard time speaking kindly and in love to those people. I'm not as emotionally invested in them as I am in my husband, kids, extended family and very closest friendships. That's where I'm tested. And I fail, miserably, far more than I succeed.

Surrender, I believe is to give up and give in to God's will. To empty myself of myself and allow God to fill me up. Allow Him to work through me. This is what I desire. This is what I struggle with. It's sacrifice. And sacrifice hurts. It's something that we have to give up that we really just don't want to give up, whether it's a harsh tone, a wrong relationship, a material possession, people that we love...the list is long. Ultimately, I believe that true surrender will lead to true joy, to true peace, to seeing the glory of God work in our lives as it's meant to. I think we get in the way of ourselves and the plans God has for us quite often. I'm sure I do. I believe that even when we stray from His path, He can still work things for our good, but not without a tremendous amount of pain, hardship, sacrifice, sadness - I think we have to travel a much more difficult road when we aren't obedient to His will by surrendering and sacrificing when and what He asks of us. When we delay our obedience, the cost is far greater than when we follow faster. I have very specific examples of times in my life that I have clearly gone against what God has wanted for me, and because of that, I have had to suffer through some stuff that hasn't been pleasant. Here's one story of many, and I think one that others can relate to, regardless of their spiritual beliefs...

I've always been overweight...pretty much my whole life at least marginally overweight. But there was a period of time in my life where I became "morbidly obese" and I had managed to tip the scale at my doctor's office, only seeing the number "350+" written in my chart. I'm certain that it's not in God's will for me to become so obese. For one thing, I'm created in God's image and if I take care of myself, I'm taking care of Him, of His gift of my life. For another thing, I had too much, while others had not nearly enough, or nothing. In no way do I believe that He thinks it's ok to eat more than I need, over and over again, and to allow myself to get so heavy. God, through His incredible grace, worked this miserable existence I was living in to my good. How? Well, I was able to have LapBand surgery 7 years ago, paid for mostly (90%) by my health insurance plan. 7 years later, through a lot of hard work, exercise, changing my eating habits...I have lost about 140lbs. Because I have lost this weight and gotten healthier, I have been able to go to nursing school, become a nurse, keep up with my kids, I can barely sit still anymore, I'm able to do SO much that I never thought I'd be able to do...my life literally has been changed for the good by having this surgery and losing this weight. The problem? Sagging skin and a body that is falling apart in the aftermath of carrying all of that extra weight around for so long. I have bulging discs in my back, had 2 torn tendons in my feet, an injured shoulder and most recently, surgery to repair a tear in my knee. The sagging skin is incredibly frustrating, as I can't wear clothes I should be able to wear and I have to see and feel all this skin every day, as a constant reminder of what I did to myself. The injuries I've suffered have slowed me down and caused a lot of pain, forced me to shift my course in my nursing career to less physically demanding jobs, and impeded my weight loss journey. All of this to say, that although God did and is working all of this for my good, it's come at a cost, and a hefty one. I could have started in my late teens and early 20's to really take care of myself, to eat healthier and to exercise regularly and I'm sure I would have been living in His will for me, at least in that one aspect of my life. I might not have had to go through everything I've gone through. This journey has been tough, and I've learned a lot of valuable lessons, but I am reminded daily of the price I have had to pay for delaying my surrender to Him.

None of this is to say that we don't have to go through suffering sometimes, even if we are living in God's will. We are tested and our faith can be shaken even if we are living in surrender. Take Job for example. Here's a dude that seemingly had everything...a large, close family, lots of animals, possessions, financial success and He was living in surrender to God, a good man in God's eyes. Then he was tested...he lost just about everything almost all at once. Lost his animals, possessions, lost all of his children, lost his health...and basically lost his will to live. One thing he didn't lose was his faith in God and his belief that He was in control. Job suffered incredibly, but continued to praise God even when he just wanted to give up and die. He refused to curse God for his suffering. The result? Job ended up being twice as blessed by God and lived the remainder of his life with much more than he originally had. Sometimes we go through the fire so that God can refine us. I'm reminded here of the following verse:

"This third I will put into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.’” - Zechariah 13:9, New International Version (NIV)

Sometimes going through the fire will refine us and make us better and remind us that God is in control. Sure, it would be nice if we could just remember that all the time and always be faithful, always live in surrender and sacrifice and never have to endure the suffering. But, we are human, and we all fall short. We all only see a "sliver" of our life and circumstances, and it's easy to want what we think is best for us through that lens. But God sees the entire scene, our entire life laid out before His eyes, and He knows the plans He has for us, and He knows where and when we will fail to live in His will, and as Paul reminds us in Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

We must continue to surrender and continue to live in His will. We will surely fail, probably more than we succeed. But thankfully, we have a God who is always right there, who will refine us like silver and bring us who believe into His glory. It's a hard fight, especially in this corrupt, fallen, selfish world we live in...but it's a fight worth fighting.

Lord I just pray that You will continue to open my eyes to Your will for me, that You will continue to ask me to surrender what is necessary for me to surrender so that I may be refined like silver. I know that I'm selfish and that I want what I want when I want it. I'm impatient and it's hard for me to see what's on the other side of suffering through my surrender...but help me to trust in You and to know that You are in control and that Your plans and Your will for me are right and good and will bring me true joy and peace and eternal life because I believe. Catch me when I fall Lord and place me back on the path that leads to You, not away from You. Thank you for patiently waiting for me to follow You and help me learn to respond faster to Your will from this point forward. In Jesus' name, Amen.

I might be ready...but are they?

I feel like I've made a breakthrough in my faith journey. I think I feel that I'm ready to let my family know. I wrote them a letter because I've determined through thinking and praying about it ALOT that this is the best way for me and for them to "come out of the closet" so to speak. For one thing, I seem to be able to articulate my thoughts in writing much better than speaking. Often times I have these great thoughts in my head and then when they come out of my mouth...it's like a fumble in a football game. I also tend to get a tad emotional (ok maybe more than a tad) and that tends to get in the way of what I'm trying to say and makes me fumble over my words even more.

So, I have a letter written...and I was thinking about telling my family on my birthday last week because I figured I would only be ruining my own day and not anyone else's. But when I got to my sister's house for the celebration, it just didn't seem or feel right in my gut to do it then. Besides, my best friend pointed out that it might be better to approach them individually rather than in a group setting...I thought that seemed like a better idea. I went home and prayed some more, and I took some advice from my Jewish Jesus believing mentor friend and ordered the book I had mentioned in a previous post "Betrayed!" by Stan Telchin. I am planning on giving this to my mom with my letter...and then emailing the letter to the rest of my immediate family once I know she's had a chance to read it.

I had what I thought was a great opportunity to do this the other day when I asked my sister if I could come over with my youngest son to hang out with her and my nephews in the afternoon. She told me that my mom was there watching the babies in the morning, so I just assumed that since my mom doesn't drive, and I'd be coming over, and since I live closest to my mom, that I would be taking her home when I went home. I was so convinced this was the right time that I texted a whole bunch of my believing friends asking for prayers of strength and courage. Many responded with loving, supportive and encouraging words and scripture verses - and I just felt at peace about it and knew that they were praying for me! I got in my car, grabbed the book and the letter and went on my way. I really felt like I could do this, and figured I'd give it to her when I dropped her off at her apartment and was just trying to work out details in my head about how to do that - but then decided to let God lead. Well, my assumptions were way off. She'd been picked up by a "friend" of hers at my sisters and would be out with him the rest of the day. I guess this wasn't the time either.

So now, I've been thinking, and praying - maybe I feel ready to do this, but maybe God is trying to tell me that THEY are not quite ready to receive this yet. Maybe I need to just really let God lead in this and provide the right opportunity and the right time to give my mom the letter and the book. I have an opportunity coming up in a couple weeks when I'll be picking my mom up from the airport after a visit with my brother and his family. So I'm going to just have the stuff with me to give her and see if God thinks it's the right time or not. As much as I really just want to get this out in the open and be free from the chains that bind me, I also want to be sensitive to them and their readiness. I am sure they'll never truly be ready to receive this and I may never be fully and completely ready to tell them, but if I can trust God, be patient, but also be ready and willing...then I think the right time will come...and I pray sooner rather than later.

God, I am so grateful for Your wisdom, Your timing, and Your patience. I know that if I will let You, You will lead me in this decision of when to tell my family about my faith in Your Son. I want to trust You with this and trust that You will provide the right opportunity at the right time and that You will give me the courage and strength to move when You say move. I have lived my entire life doing things my way, in my time and without consulting You first. This time, I want to do things right. So I ask You to help me be patient, have faith and trust in You. I will really try to be on guard and listen for Your voice, for Your nudging feelings in my gut and that I will follow in obedience. I know that when I do things Your way, it will be good and right...and I understand that doesn't mean it will be good and perfect with my family, but that through the eternal perspective, it will be right. Thanks God for Your promises and Your grace. In Jesus name, Amen.

Gut vs. God

People are always saying that they want to do God's will, they want to do what He says, they want to hear from Him. I've heard people say, "this is what God told me to do" or "this is what I heard the Lord say..." or "I felt led by God to do this or to not do that."

All good stuff. I want that too. I want to know what God's will is for me. I want to hear Him, I want to be led by His spirit in all that I do.

Then there's people who say "go with your gut" or "I just knew in my gut this is what I should do" or "I just felt that this was the right thing in my gut." Or, "if I wouldn't have gone with my gut, this [bad thing] would have happened or "if I would have just gone with my gut, I wouldn't have had this [bad thing] happen.

In nursing school, this "gut" thing got brought up alot. I would ponder over test questions or skills labs and would constantly question myself...and I would hear (sometimes from myself and sometimes from others), "just go with your gut" or "why didn't you go with your gut, you would have been right!" OY VEY!

So, is it Gut vs. God or is it that God gives us our "gut" instincts? Could it be that God is trying to lead us through our "gut?" These are the things I have been pondering lately. It's not because I have intenstinal issues, although I sometimes do, but who doesn't? I just wonder if those "natural" instincts that we have that sometimes seriously gnaw at our insides trying to get us to go with that feeling and not turn back...are God trying to tell us what to do and what not to do.

I am pretty sure I've had a "gut" feeling not to sneak out of my friends house with them in the middle of the night (hypothetically speaking, ahem), but I did it anyway. I was fortunate to not have gotten into trouble or have something bad happen to me, but that whole time, I was feeling pretty guilty and not really having fun. Should I have listened to my gut and said "no I'm not going to sneak out, it's not right." Well, I obviously didn't. Many, many times in my life I've had those "gut" feelings and most of the time, have gone against them...out of stubbornness, spite, selfishness, whatever you want to call it. I have ignored my "gut" more than I have followed it's nagging.

Does this mean that I've been ignoring God and trying to lead myself through life? Honestly, I think it has. Here's my thought...I think that if our "gut" tells us something that lines up with God's word, then it's God trying to lead us to the right decision. I think if our "gut" tells us something that goes against God's word, then maybe that's the devil trying to take over. But if I'm being honest, I'd have to say that usually my "gut" IS telling me something that lines up with God's word - it is trying to tell me what is right and what is wrong and I'm mostly ignoring it and doing my own thing. This is how I think I've lived most of my life. Not to say that I haven't gone with my gut on occasion, I actually think I have gone with it more times than I can think of right now but for the most part, not so much. Especially I think I don't go with my gut when it's going to cause me some major discomfort.

I might have hit on something here. If going with my gut means I don't get to do something I really want to do, don't get to be with someone I really want to be with, or have something I really want to have...or if it means I have to step out of my comfort zone in any way, then it's pretty easy to just ignore or go against my gut, which is probably going against God, eh?

So this faith journey I'm on - talk about a MAJOR intenstinal upset. There are not enough Tums or Prilosec on the face of the earth that can settle this problem. No purple pill can prevent the acid that is rolling around in my "gut" trying to pull me in directions that take me WAY out of my comfort zone. Going to church, thinking about baptism, the mere THOUGHT of having to tell my family about my faith. Jesus - this whole thing is going to take a LOT OF GUTS! I'm lacking in this department and this is why I'm constantly wrestling with myself and my gut and my God. I don't have the guts to face what I know my gut, my God is trying to get me to face. I just don't. I want to have the guts, I want to follow my God. When I have "gone with my gut" and gotten up on a Sunday morning and gone to church, even when my guilt is trying to keep me in bed, it's always turned out to be a good thing to go. Every time there's been a unique experience or the right sermon or the right readings or songs or the right person saying the right things at the right times. I KNOW this in my gut, and in my heart, and in my mind. SO why can't I go with my gut in the WHOLE shebang - why can't I just go for it, go for Jesus, go full throttle into this faith and this journey towards reconciliation and salvation? Because I don't have the guts.

God, this is my prayer to you right now, that You will give me the "guts" that I need to face all of this and that You will place into my "gut" the instincts that line up to Your word and that You will give me the strength to step out of my comfort zone and follow those instincts that You've given me, and not to turn back. Whatever that means...and however hard that will be. Because I know in my mind that following You and surrendering to You will be eternally good and right and awesome, and I even think I somehow believe that in my heart...but I'm just having a hard time following my gut, and that's where I need You the most. I pray for Your strength and Your wisdom and Your discernment...and Your courage to pull me through this quicksand I'm sinking in onto Your strong foundation. I pray these things in the name of Jesus Christ, who I believe is the Messiah that was promised to us. God help me to feel free to say that...to anyone and in any circumstance. "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9. Amen.