I'm all in - and coming out!

Today is Thursday, and as I mentioned in my last post...the deadline I gave myself for writing the letter to my extended family and friends. Letter is written, and I sent to the first group of family members tonight. I'm all in...and I'm coming out. Here's the letter:

Sharing my story...

There is something that I've wanted to share with all of you for some time, and haven't quite known how, when and where as we all live crazy busy lives. There are also SO MANY of you out there that I felt this is the easiest and most direct way to share. I wonder if any of you have ever felt like something in your life was not quite right or that you were missing something. Did you figure it out or find the missing piece? Did you ever have a nagging question burning in your soul and weren't quite sure how to find the answer. Did you research, read a book, Google stuff online to find the answer? Did you ever find the answer? If so, how did you feel when you did?

All my life, I have never been one to blindly follow what others do, think, say, eat, wear, etc. I've always tried to live my own life in my own way...sometimes it's been good, and sometimes not. But whenever I've wanted to or thought about doing anything major or drastic, I have really seriously looked into whatever it was, researching, reading, talking with people. Like when I made the decision to have LapBand surgery, I researched and looked into many options, even trying some other ways of losing weight. My decision came after careful review two years later. When I made the decision to go to nursing school, I looked into various options like LPN vs RN, different schools and requirements, and I made my decision based on many factors. I can honestly say those decisions were two of the best I've ever made. I have no regrets about what I did for my health and for my career change. There were some who thought I was crazy or lazy to have weight loss surgery. Mostly people were very supportive and encouraging. I'm sure some thought I was nuts to go back to school while my boys were so young and I was on the downslide to 40, but mostly people were very supportive and encouraging. I believe that all of my family and friends have seen the positive impact those two decisions have made on my life and feel happy for me that I made those choices. Those decisions led to better health, personal and professional growth, and ultimately, to a happier me.

There's more to a person than body and mind, there's also spirit. And this is where my struggle to find answers and missing pieces came into my life about 7 years ago (looking back, actually long before then). Eric was 3 years old and began asking a lot of questions about G-d. He was incredibly inquisitive. I had some answers based on my upbringing. As most of you know, I had a pretty strong, conservative Jewish family life, attending Sunday and Hebrew school, becoming a Bat Mitzvah, being very involved in the B'nai B'rith youth organization, going to Israel, continuing on in Hebrew high school after confirmation, even taking Hebrew as my foreign language in college. I am so incredibly grateful for this upbringing and have many times regretted not bringing my boys up in the same way. It was pretty difficult between being married to a non Jew (although Jeff would have supported me, he was and is anti organized religion). It was difficult financially to afford Hebrew/Sunday school, it was a far drive...it would have meant having to choose between sports and other activities for my boys or going to synagogue. These are all excuses, I know, but the bottom line is that I didn't want to force my boys and I wanted them to know and appreciate the religious backgrounds of both of their parents. In trying to be kind of "neutral" as far as religion goes, I ended up basically doing nothing more than celebrating holidays with each of our families and attending milestone events in the religious lives of our relatives. I tried explaining holidays and the reasons we celebrated to them and tried to teach them a little Hebrew and some prayers, but I clearly could have done much more, and probably should have. However, we can never go back and change the past, all we can do is move forward.

So when Eric started asking questions about G-d, he also asked about Jesus. This was simply a subject matter I knew very little about, except that Jews didn't believe he was the messiah and Christians did. He was a good guy, but not G-d in my mind and so my simple answer was that mommy's family doesn't believe in Jesus and daddy's does. That was basically the end of it, at least for a while. I started going back to school shortly after that discussion and was so consumed for the next 3 years that I never gave much more thought to anything religious except what we did do, which was celebrating the holidays with family. When Jacob was 10, I started to think about whether or not to have him become a Bar Mitzvah, but I'd never sent him to Sunday or Hebrew school so wasn't sure how I could pull it off but figured I had 3 years. I did seriously consider a tutor and catching him up, but he just really didn't want to do this, and I didn’t want to force it.

So anyway, I continued on in nursing school and graduated, got a job, and many questions surfaced in me...especially a question and answer session about Jesus I had with my boys a couple years earlier. I just told them we didn't believe Jesus was the messiah, and when they asked why, all I could say was "we just don't." I was not satisfied with my answer or in my lack of knowledge and understanding enough to really be able to explain this to my boys. Eric still had a lot of questions too. So I started reading stuff. I got a hold of everything I could find on the reasons that Jewish people rejected Jesus as the messiah. I talked to people; I read many books, I Googled stuff. The more I read, the more questions I had. The more questions I had, the more I read. I didn't really find solid answers. I wasn't convinced about the reasons I read about. I was looking for tangible proof that it wasn't possible for Jesus to be the messiah because in all I ever learned growing up, we (the Jews) were still anticipating the coming of the messiah, but it hadn't happened yet. I tried and tried to find proof, I was determined to understand so I could help my boys understand.

The deeper I got into my research, the more I began to seriously doubt and question the majority Jewish belief that the messiah had not come yet. I decided I should probably read the bible. Because of the overwhelming enormity of the bible, I looked online for some help and came across "The Bible for Dummies." It's basically a synopsis of both the Old Testament (Jewish bible) and the New Testament. I had never touched the New Testament before this. I knew people that lived by that book, but I knew very little about it. I was amazed by what I read. It was actually really good stuff, who knew?

Then I actually read the ENTIRE bible, both Old and New Testaments, while cross referencing what I read with my grandma's Jewish bible that I got when she passed away, to make sure that what I was reading in the "Christian" version matched up. I talked to people, emailed and talked to experts in theology, read a whole ton of books...and somewhere along the line; I realized that my mission was backfiring. Not only could I not find convincing proof, and not only did I find the New Testament to be inspirational and enlightening, but I started to believe in my head and heart that it was truth.

This is where my struggle really got difficult. I was starting to believe something contrary to what I was raised to believe and I knew that this was going to cause some major upheaval in my life. I tried to fight it, ignore it, pretend I never knew about it...I just...I couldn't erase what I'd learned and come to believe. I felt like someone who watched a movie where you're left hanging at the end, and then several years later the sequel comes out and you finally get the whole story. It all just made sense. I realized that I had been missing something my whole life that I could never put my finger on. Part of me wanted to ignore all this and go back to life as “normal” but I just couldn't go back at this point. I was invited to church by a friend and decided to check it out. I loved the service...now, I love the services at synagogue too, but this was different, it felt like putting a puzzle together and seeing the finished picture and thinking how cool that all those random pieces came together to form THIS! It was the Old and New Testaments being brought together to explain a story I never knew the ending to.

I know that by this point, if you are even still reading this...many of you are disappointed, mad, upset and distraught at the thought that I could have fallen for this “mishegas.” You might think I was sucked into a cult or an alternate universe. I can assure you that I did not blindly follow or believe something this incredibly contrary to how I was raised without seriously considering everything...including the fact that I may lose people I love dearly in the process. I don't want to lose any of my family or friends, which is why I have kept it to myself for so long.

I have struggled and gone thru very painful and stressful inner turmoil for the last few years. I have thought that I was or would be seen as turning my back on my family, my people, and my heritage. I never meant for this to happen. I didn't wake up one day thinking “I'm going to believe in Jesus and see how many people I can hurt.” I have been trying to find the courage (chutzpah) to "come out" for quite some time. I have struggled with whether or not I should "come out" and how and to whom. I have come to the conclusion that I'd much rather be the one to tell you than for you to find out some other way.

My immediate family already knows. The reactions have ranged from disappointment, embarrassment, anger, apathy and even to some degree of acceptance. I'm sorry if you feel hurt or offended because of my decisions, that was not the intent of sharing my story. I want you to know that I am and always will be Jewish, and I would love to still participate in all of the Jewish life I've always participated in. I also will continue to participate in the church I attend. I have had some awesome opportunities to share my Jewish background with people who knew little about the Jewish faith before, and I love being able to teach about the Jewish holidays, customs, traditions, etc. I know that I didn't have to tell you any of this, and some or most of you may wish I hadn't. Religion and spirituality are very personal and individual expressions of faith, and we should all feel free to express our beliefs in our own ways...in ways that make sense to us. I have not felt this freedom because I’ve been hiding it from my family and friends to avoid hurting them, and also out of my own fear of losing people I love. I have come to the conclusion that telling you is the right, honest and loving thing to do. Ultimately, I have to answer to a higher authority, and I'm not sorry for what I believe. I have found something that makes me happy, that helps to complete my life’s puzzle and I pray that you will accept me as you always have, even if you cannot or will not accept my choices and beliefs. I promise to continue to love you and pray you'll continue to love me. I thank you for being important, influential and inspirational people in my life and I thank you for taking the time to read my story. I will never force you to talk about this, but am always open for dialogue, discussion, questions and even friendly debate.

Love and peace,

Rachel

Slide or soar...

Is anybody out there? I don't really know who actually reads this blog, or if anyone does. I just thought I'd say hi to anyone who might be reading this, feel free to say hi back by leaving a comment or emailing/texting me if you have that information.

It's been a while since I've posted. I have thought about posting many times, but today is the day. Not only did I decide yesterday that I would post something today, but the topic of my post came to me in this morning's sermon at church, delivered by a chaplain at a local Nazarene university who also attends the church I attend. I have tried to figure out what I wanted to post about for a while. Even though lots of thoughts are constantly swarming around my small mind, I love it when God places the one in my head/heart that I need to write about, at just the right moment. In this sermon, the chaplain, who we'll refer to as "BB," talks about Hebrews (not the people, but the book in the New Testament). BB's sermon brought tears streaming down my face and struck my heart and soul to the core today. Why? Because he talked about how the Jewish Christians back in Rome had a choice to make. They could continue to follow Christianity, knowing that it would not be easy, knowing that they could/would be persecuted in one way or another for following Jesus...or they could just kind of casually "slide" back into Judaism and never talk of this Jesus character again. O.M.G. - this has been my struggle for the past few years. It's my daily struggle. Sometimes it's my minute by minute struggle. Sliding quietly back into Judaism without Jesus. It would be easy...I mean for one thing, the majority of my Jewish family and friends still don't know about my little faith journey. Even if they did, they would welcome me back with open arms, and we'd never have to speak of this Jesus character again. I could get involved in synagogue, in the Jewish women's organization, the Jewish community...my mom would be ecstatic. She would no longer have that look of disappointment on her face every time I see her. She would no longer continue to blame herself and wonder "where she went wrong" in raising me that I would go off the deep end and believe that Jesus was the Messiah. I would belong somewhere. I would fit in.

Yesterday, I attended a brunch at a wonderful woman's home of the ladies group I meet with on Sunday's after the service at church. One of the girls wanted to take a picture of all of us. I had thought about asking her not to post that on Facebook or tag me in the picture, but I figured she knows my story, surely it's just for her or maybe she'll email it to all of us. So last night I'm sitting at home playing a game with my husband and some friends of ours, and an email pops up on my phone to notify me that this friend added a photo of me on Facebook. I panicked, immediately went on and "untagged" myself from the photo and then sent her an email explaining that since I hadn't told the majority of my family and friends about my faith, I didn't want them to find out this way. My heart was RACING, POUNDING. I was mortified at the thought that they would find out this way. The girl that posted it felt horrible and I tried to tell her that she shouldn't feel bad at all, it's my deal and my problem and I'm the one that's been dragging my feet to tell everyone and that it's bound to come out somehow through social media if I don't "come out" on my own. So, all kinds of thoughts are swarming around in my head. "I wonder if anyone saw that before I untagged myself" and/or "what if one of her friends or someone from the church has a friend who I'm related to or who knows me and that I'm Jewish and sees me in a picture posted to a church Facebook page" and "Lord, please don't let anyone see that picture that doesn't know I go to a church." OY VEY. What am I doing? Do I believe that Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice to atone for all of my sins or don't I? If I do, then what am I going to do about it? Sit around and monitor Facebook and social circles being paranoid that someone is going to find out and be disappointed in me or mad at me. OR, am I going to just quietly "slide" back out of the church and into Judaism. OR, am I going to break free from these chains that bind me and soar, freely, in my faith and not worry about what anyone thinks or who finds out???

Just like those early Jewish Christians, I have a choice to make. Am I going to continue to follow Jesus and TRUST Him to work everything out the way He wants it to be worked out, no matter what that costs me...or am I going to slide on back to my old life and forget all that I've learned, all that I've come to believe in, love and accept as truth in my heart?

Here's an interesting little side story...on my birthday a few weeks ago, my sister and I were texting back and forth. This is the sister (my only sister) that has been SO angry and disappointed in me for my beliefs. Somehow, the conversation led to this text from her to me: "I have had a lot of talks with mom helping her to understand your religious beliefs- and believe it or not, I accept your choices and feel glad that u found some missing pieces to your beliefs." She went on to say "I'm on your side - it took a few days for me to think things over and now I get it." Phone.Almost.Dropped.Out.Of.My.Hand.Jaw.On.Floor. "WHAT? is this for real?" I thought. This cannot be for real. My sister is literally the LAST person on the face of the earth that I ever ever ever thought would be "accepting" of my choice to believe in Jesus and attend a church. THE.LAST.PERSON. We talked, she explained more, I was in shock. I still am. Now, she did say that SHE would never go to church and that SHE would never believe that Jesus is the Messiah, that SHE enjoys going to synagogue and SHE is going to raise her children in the synagogue and they will all have Bar Mitzvah's, etc. BUT. If this is what makes me happy, if this what I believe and how I want to live, it's ok, and she's happy that I found something that works for me. She said the writing has been on the wall for years. She gave some examples of things she's noticed I've done or not done over the years and said basically that she's really not surprised. Thinking back, I can definitely see God has been working on me for a LONG time. God works in all of us, but not all of us listen or follow and try to figure out what He wants us to do. As I've said before, I'm not the kind of person who just blindly believes in something. I research, I look into things, I look stuff up, I read. I fought God on this for a long long time. Just like Moses fought against God when he called him to free the Israelite's from slavery. Just like Jonah fought God when He asked him to go to Ninevah, just like a whole lot of other people have fought against God when He asked them to do something that went against what they wanted.

Bear with me here, this post may be getting a little choppy, but I have another story. Today, in my SISTERS class after the service, we were presented with a lesson on holiness. One of the many things that struck me in this lesson was the concept that the presenter referred to as "ownership." We understand ownership. We all own things...cars, houses, computers, toys, clothes, etc. She was talking about how God owns us. He does. He created the world we live in and He created all of us...for a purpose. For HIS purpose. We can either fight against what He wants for our lives, or we can experience the joy, satisfaction, purpose, salvation and eternal life He has for us by just allowing Him to guide us and to own us. Some may be put off by this concept, but to truly understand God, is to know that He doesn't want us to be puppets, He doesn't want to control us for some evil purpose. He has good plans for us and for our life and for His kingdom...but He wants us to submit to His ownership of us for OUR OWN GOOD! There will be storms. The presenter talked about 3 kinds of storms God allows us to experience. There are those storms that are for our perfection (to perfect us into being more like Christ) those for our protection (to protect us from something really bad), and those for our correction (He is, after all, our Father...and we're not perfect, and He sometimes needs to correct us). The storms are not easy, but they are necessary for our story to play out and for the restoration of the world that He promises will come.

Now, back to the topic of my post, and to the choice I need to make. Am I going to slide back into my old life...or am I going to soar on wings like eagles, on God's wings...the One who made me, owns me, and has a purpose for me. I am setting a deadline of this Thursday to write the letter or email or whatever I'm going to do to "come out" to the rest of my family and Jewish friends. God help me, and you, whoever is out there reading this, hold me accountable. I don't want to continue to hide who I am and what I believe. I want to soar. I long to soar. It's time.

Jesus I thank you from the depths of my soul for dying on the cross for my sins. I thank you for pouring your blood out for me so that I could be free, and forgiven, and given new life. I am so sorry that I have wavered, chickened out, hidden in fear and doubted your sovereignty over my life. I am sorry that I have cared more about what people think and will do to me than about bringing glory to you by boldly wearing my faith on my sleeve. I am sorry that I have taken your gifts for granted and continued to slide back into my old ways, or for even thinking about doing so. I pray that you will help me to be brave, to obey, and to weather the storms you allow in my life. I pray that you will bless me with the right words to say to my family and friends, and that you will soften their hearts to hear what I am saying, and what I am not saying. I pray that you will continue to grow me spiritually into the person you want me to be and that my fire and passion for you will continue and will inspire others to want to see who you are for themselves. You have shown me in very real and miraculous ways that you are still in the business of answering prayer. Help me Lord to believe that always, whether I can see it or not, and through all of my storms yet to come. I thank you for all of the amazing people you have placed in my life, and I thank you for your amazing love. In Jesus' name, I say AMEN.

Prayer

I feel like I'm long overdue for a post. I've had a lot of things on my mind that I could post about, but today for some reason, my mind and heart are being drawn towards prayer. I think it's fair to say that most people pray at some point in their life or another, even people who aren't sure about their faith or if there is a God that hears or answers them. Seems that many people pray when they are in crisis and have reached the end of themselves..."please heal me, please cure my friend or relative of their disease, please restore my marriage, please let me hit a home run today, please don't let this person die." We bargain with God a lot too, I think. "God, if you do this, then I'll do that" - "God, take me instead of my child" - "God, I promise I will never sin again if you'll only fix this situation..." - "God, I'll go to church every single Sunday for the rest of my life if you'll only let me have this one thing or person that I want so badly." I can tell you one thing, I have done a lot of bargaining in my life. I've also done quite a bit of the "why whining" - "why me, why her, why them, why this, why that" - "if you were a good God, then you wouldn't allow all this bad stuff to happen." Maybe it's just me, but I have a pretty sneaky suspicion that many of us if not most of us have said these things or some similar things in or as a prayer at least once or twice in our lives. How about this one..."God, if you're real, show yourself to me, give me a sign, perform a miracle - then I'll believe in you." Then there's the pity party prayer - "God, I prayed and prayed and begged and pleaded with you to do this or that and you didn't do it, you didn't hear me, and now I'm going to be angry with you because you didn't give me what I asked for." This is a tough one that I deal with on a regular basis with my youngest son. Trying to explain to a 9 year old kid that just because God didn't heal you of these issues you're having, doesn't mean He doesn't hear you or love you or want you to get better. "Well then WHY didn't He mom? He's GOD - He can do ANYTHING, so why doesn't He answer my prayers?" Oy - don't we question God like that as adults too...not only do I have to try to explain it to my son, but I have to figure it out for myself too. Tough stuff. I have some thoughts. Shocking, I know!

I'm going to start off with a little scripture, because why not? It's our owner's manual...there's so much good stuff in the Bible about every possible subject and thankfully we now have awesome Bible apps and websites where we can just type in a keyword and up pops all kinds of verses on the subject. Awesome, so here's just a few verses about prayer, there are hundreds in the Bible:

"Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer." - Psalm 4:1 New International Version (NIV)

"Hear my prayer, Lord, listen to my cry for help; do not be deaf to my weeping." - Psalm 39:12 New International Version (NIV)

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. 22 If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." - Matthew 21:21-22 New International Version (NIV)

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." - Mark 11:24 New International Version (NIV)

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. - Luke 11:9-10 New International Version (NIV)

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." - Philippians 4:6 New International Version (NIV)

Good stuff, eh? There's a couple of things I am figuring out about prayer in my faith journey. First, we don't really HAVE to pray for God to answer our prayers and work out His plans for our lives. Wait, did I just say we don't have to pray? But prayer is a central part of most world religions, especially the two that I belong to, Judaism and Christianity. Both in the Old and New Testaments, there's a LOT of praying going on. Praying with sacrificing, praying with fasting, praying with anger, with doubt, with love, with remorse, with faith, in feast and in famine, in thanksgiving and in petitioning. Thing is, God doesn't need our prayers. He's got our lives planned out and He's in control and He's GOD. Prayer is for us. We pray because we want things and desire things that we believe are what's best and good and right for us or others. Many times, we want to be in charge and pray hoping that God will grant us what we're asking for (after all, there are several instances in the Bible where people were able to "change God's mind" through prayer, this could be an entire post on it's own...but for one example read the story of Abraham praying for the people in Sodom and Gomorrah). And when those prayers are answered the way we want, we make a note of that and it increases our faith in God, because we've seen those prayers answered. We think, "God, you're awesome." But when those prayers are not answered in the way we want, or not answered at all in our eyes, we tend to lose faith, doubt, question and get angry with God. "God, why can't you just give me what I asked for, I have prayed and prayed, and I've fasted and I've poured my heart out to you and you're gonna say no????" Basically, we use prayer as proof. Proof that either God answers us or that He doesn't. Many of us can look back on unanswered prayers or "no" answers later on and see that clearly God knew what He was doing, but mostly we just are looking for proof that He exists, something tangible that we can reference and remember.

This brings me to another thing I've learned about prayer...no matter what we ask for, how hard or how much we pray, and whether our requests are given a stamp of approval or disapproval...we don't always want to or know how to deal with what the answers to our prayer leads to. What I mean by this is...whether a prayer is answered positively or negatively in our limited understanding, we sometimes don't appreciate, recognize, or know how to handle the answer we've been given. Let me give an example from my own life. I was in a position almost a year ago where I had to find a job with benefits. I had been working as a "PRN" nurse which means I could work when I wanted and when I was needed. It was a nice gig because I could work around my boys lives and schedules, and never had to ask for vacation time, I could go whenever I wanted. Anyway, long story short, my husband lost his job and I HAD to find a job with benefits ASAP. I prayed about it and one day I saw a job posting via email, I applied online and next thing I knew I had been hired, a part time job with benefits that was flexible and I could still, in theory, work around my mom demands. I was so thankful and I still am - but I had to learn a new job and it was (and still is) VERY overwhelming and very HARD and I have to work a certain number of days a week and ask for vacation time and may not always get it. Sometimes when we get what we ask for, we have a hard time accepting and being grateful for God giving us what we said we wanted. I think we sometimes take things for granted that God gives us - maybe we feel entitled to what we asked for or maybe we just don't recognize that He answered our prayer and don't feel grateful/thankful. It's the same whether we got what we asked for or we didn't get what we asked for (with good reason - God always knows why He says no). We seem to forget just as quickly as the Israelites did every time God blessed them. Be prepared - when prayers get answered with either a "yes" or "no" - it doesn't mean things are going to be perfect and wonderful. Sometimes we have to sacrifice one thing for another. But rest assured, God knows what He's doing and it's our job to be grateful for both the "yes" answers and the "no" answers and to trust that He sees the bigger plan that we don't.

What is the biggest lesson I'm learning about prayer? It's basically this: we need to pray in God's will. The way I ask for things in prayer has dramatically changed through all of the lessons I'm learning from Him. If I pray for something in God's will, then believe that it will happen, and accept and be grateful for whatever the answer is or will be, then I will have more joy, more peace and while my life may not look perfect, I can trust in God's perfect plan for me. What happens when we either don't pray in His will or we don't trust Him for the answer (the good and right answer)? Well...let me give you one of the best examples from Scripture of what happens when we don't pray, wait and trust in God's will: When Abraham prayed to God for a child, and God promised Abraham he would have one (a "yes" answer), Abraham didn't trust God for the answer because it didn't happen when he wanted/expected it to. When Sarah said, dude, listen...we're getting older than the hills here and we need to get you your child, so here's Hagar, my servant, you go ahead and have a baby with her...Abraham was like, ya I guess I better do that. Well, we all know what came of that - a son, Ishmael. Not only a child born outside of God's will, but an entire religion that wasn't part of God's plan was born out of that lack of trust/appreciation for God's answer to prayer. Now, I have NOTHING against Muslim people, I'm just saying that this wasn't the plan, and there have been a whole lot of consequences that have come out of this one decision of Abraham's to act on his own will rather than waiting for God's to be done. You may not have a story that drastic, but I can just about guarantee that, like me, you have taken matters into your own hands instead of waiting and praying for God's will and you've suffered some consequences for doing so. I do have several examples in my own life that I have, and in some cases, still am, suffering the consequences of not lining up my prayers with God's will. Sure, He can work all things to the good for those who believe, but I've dealt with a lot of stuff I didn't have to deal with and I wish sometimes I could go back and change things, but I can't.

The disciples asked Jesus how they should pray, and this is what He said:

"Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." - Matthew 6:9-10 New International Version

Lord, I pray that your will be done in my life. That I will wait expectantly on your perfect answer to my prayers, that I will trust you to answer them in your timing and know that you have plans to prosper me, not to harm me. I pray that you develop in me patience, wisdom, discernment and gratitude so that I will always wait on you, trust you for the best answer for my life and that I will always be thankful, regardless of your answer. I pray your will be done in the lives of those I love as well and that you will work in them so that they may recognize your answers to their prayers and be thankful for your perfect plan in their lives. I pray these things in the name of Jesus, who you sent to earth to show us how to live, how to pray, how to love, how to serve, and how to trust...even when your answer to His prayer was death on a cross. Thank you for all you have done in my life and all that you will do. Amen.

On relationship...

I'm going to start this post off by saying that it's a really good thing I don't blog every single time I have something on my mind to blog about...or I'd never get anything else done, and if anyone actually reads these posts, they'd get pretty tired of my babble - if they're not already.

With that said, here's what's on my mind today...it's about relationship and God's design. So, God created Adam and then realized he needed a companion (and, I think that He knew he kinda messed up and needed to make a better model, lol). So with Adam and Eve came the first human relationship, of many relationships. God created us in His image...but going back to a post from a long time ago, what the bible actually says in Genesis 1:26 is "And God said, Let us make man in our image." "Us" in this text is the trinity, God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. See, the trinity exists in relationship to each other. I highly recommend reading "The Shack" by William Paul Young for a really awesome look into what this relationship might be like, if we could give them human personas. Anyway, the trinity is and always has been about relationship, and the really cool thing about this relationship is that it's perfect. Each member of the trinity is about loving each other well, and perfectly. Not only do they love each other perfectly, but they love us perfectly, and the love they share and the love they give is to serve as an example of how we human's should love each other. Not only was it God's design for the trinity to be in relationship with each other, and the trinity to be in relationship with us...but it was also His design for us to then go out into the world and be in relationship with each other.

But...we're human and we have lots of human issues, like selfishness, jealousy, anger, possessiveness, fleshly desires...we are not perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination. But God, because He loves us so much, wanted us to understand His design and desire for us so much...that when we totally weren't getting it, He sent His beloved Son to walk the earth, to live among us, as one of us, to SHOW us how do this whole relationship thing. He showed us how to have relationship with Him (refer to the many times in the New Testament that we read about Jesus going to be alone to pray to God, have a relationship with Him) and He showed us how to have relationship with each other. Refer to Matthew 22:36-40 "36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” This scripture very clearly defines how we are to love God and love each other. It's ALL about relationship.

I don't know about you, but I've had some pretty imperfect relationships with people. I've had struggles in my relationships with my parents, my siblings, my friends, my boyfriends, husband, children - I have more examples of relationships gone bad than I would care to admit. I'm currently struggling in these relationships, all of them really. I'm not sure a single one is good and perfect and the way God intended it to be. I have been hurt, I'm sure I have hurt others. I'm currently in a whole lot of pain from many of these relationships. This pain is frankly worse than any physical pain I've ever experienced, and trust me, I've had quite a bit of physical pain to compare it to. I'm hurting and I'm broken and I'm wrestling with God over what I could have or should have or want to but can't...do to make these relationships good and whole and holy. I can't tell you how much my trust in people has been shattered. About the sadness I feel in my heart and deep in my soul. I'm not trying to be whiny, I'm just admitting how broken I feel and have felt over broken relationships.

It's really easy to blame others for what has gone wrong, it's really easy to blame God too...because why would He bring people into my life only to either take them out physically, emotionally, spiritually...or to have them just be so difficult. It's easy to point the finger away from myself, and really difficult to look in the mirror and see my own faults, my own issues. I can tell you one thing for sure, I've been taking the difficult path lately (mostly because I feel like I've been forced to, but also because I really do want to understand and work through it all) and I've seen a few things that I'm going to share.

First of all, I NEED to have a good, solid relationship with God FIRST, before I can have good, solid relationships with other people. Here's the problem that I have though - I can't really see God physically, I can't really feel God physically, I can't really just go hang out and have a drink with God and have a fun time, an intimate conversation or a spiritual discussion like I can with a person. So this is really difficult to do, have a good solid relationship with God. It's something I've been trying to work on and I think as with any relationship, it's going to take a lot of time, a lot of intentional practices, a lot of effort, a lot of work! Spending time with God is something that doesn't come naturally to me because I live in a human world and for most of my life, I haven't really had or known how to have a relationship with God. I haven't had Jesus. I'm learning, it's hard, but I have to and I want to figure this out...because I know that He is the way, the truth and the life, and I want this truth and life...desperately. I also want this relationship because I want to have good, meaningful relationships with others...and I know that I can't do this well or right unless I'm filled so much with my relationship with Him that it literally spills over to my human relationships.

Second, I need to make sure that God is MY alpha and MY omega. That I do not place people and my relationships with people above God. Honestly, I suck at this! I'm an idol worshipper. I have always put people in the place of God. Not that I think people are God or are above God, but I have made people in my life such a high priority that it's almost like I'm worshipping them or my relationship with them above or instead of God. I've had my priorities way out of order for my whole life and God knows that I'm trying to figure this out. There should be an order...and a wonderful friend/mentor of mine once tried to explain this to me with "rings" or "circles." Basically, the inner circle is God - and He's at the center of everything. The next circle should be my spouse, then children, then extended family, friends, and others. These circles are for me, because I'm married and have children...your circles might look different, but one thing that should always be the same is that innermost circle should be God. When we get our circles out of order, all kinds of problems happen. Trust me when I tell you - I have learned this the hard way. My circles have been so discombobulated that I'm really feeling the consequences and they're not fun. I need to align my circles in the proper order - which is just really not coming easily to me and something I need to and want to work on.

Finally, I need to trust God enough that even when I can't trust others, or trust myself, I know and believe that I can trust Him. When my relationships are falling apart, when I'm hurting because I have put my trust in people and they've let me down, when I feel like I'm so alone and so lonely...when my heart is literally crushed in anguish, remorse, dread, sadness...I need to have complete faith in the only One that I know will never leave me or foresake me. The One who came to bind up the brokenhearted. I need to believe God and trust that He will get me through, and teach me something in the process and that I will grow into the person that He created me to be. Going through the fire hurts like hell (pardon the pun) when you're smack in the middle of it. But going through the fire purifies us...like gold. There is growth, there is glory. The expression "no pain, no gain" is something I never truly understood like I do now. So I need to trust God with my relationships, and trust that if they fail, if they cause pain, if they're messy - He will faithfully pull me through to the other side, better and stronger and wiser than I was before.

Jesus, I come to the foot of your cross with my face to the ground...humbly asking you to help me in my relationships. First, help me learn to keep my relationship with God (through you and with the help of the Spirit) as my first and most important relationship. Please fill me so full with our relationship that it literally spills out onto others so that I may glorify you and that when they see me, they see you. Second, help me to have healthy relationships with the people in my life, with my circles in the order you created them to be in. My desire is to have a heart and an allegiance like Jonathan had for David. To be the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, relative, friend and companion that I can be. Remove the impurities that exist in my heart towards others by bringing me through the fire into your circle and help me learn to trust you with all of my life and all of my relationships. Thank you for all you have done in me and for me and all that you will continue to do. I pray for your strength, guidance and wisdom in all that I do and all that I am. In Jesus' name. Amen.

I'm just a ragamuffin...

I'm reading a book called "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning and as most books I read - ok ALL of the books I read, it has prompted some deep introspection and thought. I've just read a story about a group session Brennan attended for alcoholics that struck a chord. No, I'm not an alcoholic, although I have to admit I like a pina colada or a yummy flavored martini once in a while...but the story isn't so much about alcoholism, as it is about trying to hide our sins. Trying to justify, rationalize, hide, cover up and/or pretend that our sins aren't bad or that we don't have issues like those other people do (alcoholics, murderers, etc). I think one thing that struck me when reading this story, is that in general, many "believers" seem to think they have to be perfect, sinless and make sure that the other believers think that of them as well. The one place that we come together to worship the God who sent His Son to die for our sins, while we were still sinning, and fully knowing that we would continue to sin...seems to be the one place that we pretend we have it all together the most. The therapist/facilitator in this story used some serious tough love and unconventional tactics to get this guy "Max" to admit that he really does have a problem. Max was doing everything he could to make the others think he was fine and didn't actually have a problem. He was called out for his lying. He was practically humiliated into admitting how broken he really was.

One thing this story made me think of is how when I was a kid, I used to lie about stuff, A LOT. I lied about places I'd been or things I had, I made up all kinds of stories - mostly because I felt like I had nothing to contribute to conversations, class discussions, or girl talk about boys. I felt so inadequate, inexperienced, boring, whatever. I'll never ever forget the day in 4th grade that my teacher called me out of the classroom and laid into me about yet another story I made up. I felt so embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated...but it changed me, at least for a while. I didn't make up another story in that class the rest of the year. Unfortunately, I still lied a lot as I got older and it caught up with me in various ways as well. But at some point in my life, I came to a point where enough was enough. I was who I was, there was nothing I could do or say to change that and people could either accept that or not. So I decided to be honest - and sometimes I was and have been honest to a fault with people. But something happened when I decided to stop lying...I would get really upset and irritated with other people who lied. I still find myself feeling that way, like when my husband lies about something or when my kids do or anyone else. I tend to become a little (gasp) self-righteous about it, as if because I've realized how wrong it is to lie, everyone else needs to get on board with that and stop lying too.

As I've been on this journey to follow Jesus, and in my quest to become more like Him, I've been trying to stop sinning and give other believers I hang with a picture of me that is righteous and holy and full of faith. I find myself noticing sins of others and trying to make sure I'm not doing those things, and wondering why they are still sinning when they know it's wrong and not what God wants of them. When I know someone is struggling with something, especially someone I'm close with, I find myself wanting to help them and I have this tendency to want to save them. I think I have always had this desire to help people, save people, fix them...I mean I am a nurse after all, which seems a natural fit for me because I've always been that kind of person. This isn't in itself a bad thing. The bad thing is that while I'm trying to help and save and fix, I'm becoming self righteous. I never mean to, I truly do have good intentions. However, one thing I'm realizing is that good intentions can lead to wrong actions if I don't check myself in with God, if I don't humble myself before the cross and not only realize and admit that I'm a sinner too...but remember and remind myself how difficult it is for me to stop sinning. I may not sin in obvious ways that can be seen by all...but I sin...in thought, in word, in my heart, in actions and reactions.

The truth is, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, no matter how I justify, I'm a sinner, I'm broken, and I need a savior just like everyone else does. Not a person to help, fix or save me...but God. People, myself included, are still human and no matter the intentions, we can't save each other. If we could, then Jesus died on the cross for nothing. This is a REALLY difficult thing for me to come to terms with. If I see someone on a train that's about to de-rail, I want to jump on the train, grab them and jump with them to safety. It's not really wrong that I want to do that, but it's wrong if I go about trying to do it by myself, without God. If I trust God, if I believe He is who He says He is, if I have faith in Him, then I need to go to Him in humility and ask for Him to save, and to show me the ways that I can help, if He wants me to. IF He wants me to!! Really God doesn't need my help, He's got things covered, but sometimes He does use people in ways that will help Him to achieve his plans, there are lots of stories in the Bible where God uses people...and when and if He wants to use me, I want to be ready and willing to obey. Meanwhile, I need to learn how to sit back and trust Him to keep the train on the track. Instead of trying to fix people, I need to just love them, as they are, sins and all. That, I'm realizing (finally), IS the Gospel message. And...Lord have mercy, I need His help to stay humble enough to see and admit that my sins are no more and no less than anyone else's, and that His blood has already covered them all. I don't have to do anything, He's already done it.

Lord, my prayer to you today comes in the form of a song by a group called Sidewalk Prophets...please hear this as my plea to you and keep making me:


"Keep Making Me"

Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

[Chorus:]
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

[Chorus]

The cat is coming out of the bag...

My mom, who insisted when she found out about my faith that I not tell anyone else in the family, ESPECIALLY my sister...decided to tell my sister a couple weeks ago. I was giving my mom time to process and looking to the Spirit to guide me in when to tell the rest of my family, but she took matters into her own hands...which maybe God orchestrated? Who knows...all I know is that it's out there. I went ahead and sent her and my brother an email with the letter I sent my mom that explained everything. My brother and sister have reacted differently in some ways and the same in others. They both seem to think that I never should have told my mom. In the words of my sister, "you broke mom's heart in an unfixable manner." Ouch. Of course I knew that I was going to break my mom's heart...which of course breaks my own heart, which is of course why it took me so long to finally be able to "come out" to her about it. I don't care how old we get, we NEVER want to disappoint or hurt our parents. At least I don't, and I didn't. There's this commandment, maybe you've heard of it, about honoring thy father and mother. **Big Sigh**

The thing is, there's another commandment too...about loving and honoring God first, above all else. Above EVERYONE else. I've been in this constant state of turmoil for the last few years, in essence, because of these commandments. How does one love and honor God first and above all else AND honor thy father and mother...when you know that by doing one, you're going to cause immense pain and heartache in the other? There's this story of Jesus in a similar predicament...


Luke 2:41-3:1 New International Version (NIV)

The Boy Jesus at the Temple

41 Every year Jesus’ parents went to Jerusalem for the Festival of the Passover. 42 When he was twelve years old, they went up to the festival, according to the custom. 43 After the festival was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but they were unaware of it. 44 Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day. Then they began looking for him among their relatives and friends. 45 When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him. 46 After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. 47 Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers. 48 When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, “Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.”

49 “Why were you searching for me?” he asked. “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?”[a] 50 But they did not understand what he was saying to them.

51 Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart. 52 And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.


Jesus obeyed God, his parents were distraught and upset and didn't understand. My parents (at least my mom) is distraught and upset about what I'm doing...but she really doesn't understand. My sister doesn't get it, and wonders how I'd like it if she went off and joined an Amish cult (her words). My brother thinks I'm being ridiculous. The thing is, my family and most of the Jews around the world, don't understand. They don't know the rest of the story. Many of them don't even really know their own story. I've read the entire bible. I've researched and read and prayed and sought and found the truth. They have not done what I've done to try to find answers to questions that have been burning in me most of my life. Most of the Jews, not only don't understand, but have no desire to try to understand. And that's ok, it's actually part of God's plan and purpose for them not to understand...at least not yet. It's still hard though, hard to want to and try to live my faith out loud and still honor my family. I don't want to offend them, but chances are that I will, and really I already have. In their minds, I have turned my back on my heritage and my Jewishness. I think all of them right now are just trying to pretend that this isn't really true. My mom has asked a few times if I've changed my mind yet. My sister says she doesn't get it, but isn't doing anything to try to understand. No one wants to talk about it, and I am not going to force them...but at the same time I still feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I still feel like I can't really be who I am and live my faith out loud. I know that I can show them by HOW I live and I am trying to do that. But to openly talk about and praise Jesus, to wear a cross or have one in my home, all of these things would hurt and offend and break the hearts of the people I love the most. This is hard.

I am still in turmoil, even with the cat out of the bag. I had a feeling I would be, and I know there's a price to pay for following Jesus. I know that the cost to me is greater than what it would be for many others, but I also know that it's much less than what others have already paid or will pay. I'm just trying to figure it out, with God - how to live as a Jewish follower of Christ in a secular world and a world still full of antisemitism and a world where most people just really don't understand or know. Some days...many days, I find myself wondering if I could just forget the truth I know and go back to who I was before all of this. It would be easier, for sure, in many ways...but it would also be emptier. I am being changed, being sifted, being refined, being transformed. The process is painful most of the time, but I believe that on the other side of this, I will see a peace and a glory and a joy that I can't even possibly imagine right now. If I didn't believe that deep down, I would turn and walk away from this, because it's SO hard.

God, I need YOU. I need Your strength, Your truth, Your protection, Your love...to permeate every part of my being. I am so weak on my own, so tempted to forget what I know about You and go back to who I was, because becoming who you want me to be is SO hard, and so painful. It hurts me to know that my family is heartbroken by my choice to follow Jesus. It hurts to know that they don't understand and don't know You, and may never in this life. I feel I'm being attacked on every front and at every turn by the enemy. Help me to stand up in Your light to the darkness that continues to penetrate my soul. Without you, I am nothing, I am weak, I am lost. I pray that You will work in the hearts and minds of my family and in Jews around the world to help them see and understand, to draw them to You because they are curious about me and more importantly, curious about Jesus. This may not happen in my lifetime, so please help me to be content in Your truth, regardless of my circumstances. Help me to remain in You no matter the cost, and help me to overcome all doubt, all darkness, all desire to turn around and walk away. I want to follow the path You have for me, and I know it will cost me...and I know it will continue to hurt. God I know that through death, I will have life. Please remind me every second, every minute, every hour and every day who I am and whose I am. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

One down...many more to go...

Last Tuesday, I sat in my closet for a little alone time with God (a great suggestion from a great friend). I really didn't have an agenda for us, but I came out of that closet feeling convicted to (finally) write (re-write) the letter to my mom explaining of my faith in Jesus as the Messiah. So, I wrote. I think the first sentence was re-done about 4 or 5 times but then once I got past that, the words just were flowing like a river. Then, on Thursday, before I went to play with my sweet little baby nephews, I grabbed the letter, the book "Betrayed" I got for her, and an envelope. I thought, maybe I should just go ahead and mail this out today, and she'll get it tomorrow night after she gets home and after I'm off work and we'll have the whole weekend to process through it all. I had heart palpitations all day thinking about doing this. On my way home from playing with the boys, I texted my friend and spiritual mentor...who called me and bless her heart stayed on the phone with me, encouraging me and praying for me while I addressed the envelope, bought the stamp...and, yes, put it in the mailbox. As I walked away from the post office, tears in my eyes, heart beating out of my chest...I felt both a sense of relief and anxiety. I told God that it was in His hands now...and I committed this to Him...it was done.

Friday evening came, and I was anxiously and fearfully anticipating "the call" from my mom...when I saw her picture and name come up on my caller id, my heart literally dropped into my stomach. She was totally normal - asking about going to the gym with us on Saturday - I knew she hadn't gotten my package yet - no way would she be that normal after opening THAT! So, the next day, my youngest son and I went to pick her up, took her with us to the gym, then the grocery store, then back to her place. As we were rolling in the cart of her groceries, she went to the mailbox...the first thing she pulled out was my package, then several other items...not paying attention to what she had. I grabbed the mail and put it one of her bags and then we proceeded up the elevator and down the hall to her apartment - with my heart seriously beating out of my chest. OMG - what am I supposed to do??? I was debating with myself whether I should stay or leave...and then she went to return the cart to it's proper place in the building. There I was, staring at that envelope. I had a choice. I could take it and run and forget about doing this today - I literally could take back what I just two days earlier committed to God. Or I could leave it, or I could personally hand it to her when she got back.

I took the envelope out of the bag...I had it in my hands. I grabbed a pen, I wrote a note on the outside of the envelope - something about sorry I couldn't do this in person, it was too hard...and then, when she got back, my son and I left. Heart going completely insane...I'm pretty sure that anyone could put their hand anywhere NEAR my chest and PALPATE my heartbeat at this point. I told my son I was scared and I started to cry and we talked a little bit, he asked me why I was scared and I told him that I knew Grandma would be very disappointed in me and I was scared about how she'd react (I had told my boys on Thursday that I mailed it). I don't remember everything about that conversation, but I do remember him saying "but mom, we're supposed to spread the love of Jesus!" Oh my little boy...wise beyond his years for sure. So we got home and I again anxiously and fearfully waited for her call.

She called. At first she had only seen the book, and was wondering what in the heck was going on with me...but I told her there was a letter in there and so she said she'd go read it. Then another call, lots of things to say...from thinking I had been brainwashed to "please DO NOT tell anyone else, especially your sister." She was definitely not happy. We talked for a bit, well mostly she talked for a bit, requesting things like may she never see a cross on my boys or myself, may she never walk into my home and see a cross or a picture of Jesus...telling me how and why she didn't believe in Jesus...honestly I can't remember everything she said, but I dropped to the floor of my bathroom after we hung up (another call was coming in, and she can't not answer a phone call...) and I just leaned against the bathtub, sobbing. Partially out of relief - because she did say she still loves me - and partially because I was so shocked that she begged me to keep it a secret. I mean, if I'm going to "come out" about this, I'm going to "come out" to everyone - I just thought she should be the first one. How, I thought, do I both obey and honor God and honor my mother as the 5th commandment asks me to do??????????????

So, she called another time, leaving a message that she had told my aunt (her sister) but that she would NOT be telling anyone else, and again urged me not to either and also said some things that my aunt said about everything. My non-practicing, non-observant aunt was clearly not happy either. I didn't call her back because my best friend had come over with her son and we were having dinner (and some wine, Lord knows I needed it at that moment)...and then later we were watching the weekly video for our bible study and my mom called, AGAIN. Initially, she BEGGED me not to put anything about this on Facebook. She had lots of things to say, she told me she had cried alot, and also that she couldn't seem to locate the book I gave her - (small one bedroom apartment, who knows what happened but I'm sure the devil has a hand in that somehow) and talked about a cousin of hers who had believed and was dis-owned by many in the family, talked about her belief about the Messiah, again thought maybe I'd been brainwashed, strongly encouraging me to NOT go to church (little does she know) - she thought it would be best for me to just go outside to pray rather than go to a church. The thing is, is that to my mom, the Cross and Church are about the same as having a picture of the head of the KKK in the home of a black person - this is the only way I can explain how she feels about it. She pretty much said she didn't want to know if I was going to church, didn't want to know if I was going to get "dunked" and stated that she wants to live to be 85 so she can see all of my sister's boys have their Bar Mitzvah's, and also requested that when she die, I go to synagogue to recite the mourner's prayer for a month and then once a year on the anniversary of her death. WHEW.

Lots of heavy stuff. Ultimately, what I heard in that conversation was a TON of fear and a TON of ignorance. It's heartbreaking, but I understand and I will try to honor and respect her as best as I can, while following God and obeying Him first. I interjected a few times to say things but I think mostly likely everything that I said fell on deaf ears. But, we did dialogue - we did dialogue. I sensed a curiosity in her and in as much as she was absolutely against what I was saying I believe, she was talking about stuff and asking questions and seemed like discussions might be ok to have about all this...and she did say that she'd read the book, if she can find it.

She didn't keel over, either did I. I realized that by far, this was the BIGGEST act of obedience to God that I have personally EVER experienced. I also realized that I must REALLY REALLY REALLY believe that Jesus is the Messiah to have told my mom I believe He is. I kept saying that I would know when it was time, and I did - I knew when I knew and that was that. God is so good and so incredibly patient and even though I said I would know when I knew, I didn't really fully believe that - until I KNEW and I did it. This gives me hope and it makes me TRUST God even more than ever. He WILL lead me if I will seek Him. He will place those nudging's in my gut and in my heart and I know that when I follow Him, He will be with me, and I will see fruit...maybe not today, maybe not in 5 years, maybe not ever while I'm living on this earth, but eventually, eternally, I will see fruit from my obedience.

In the meantime, I'm giving my mom some time to recover from the initial shock, and I will tell the rest of my family, starting with my sister, when and how God leads me to. I will know when I know.

God, I thank you for Your amazing love, mercy, grace, patience and nudging's. I know that You created me and that You have a plan for me and that if I am still and seek you and am obedient to Your will, that I will know and see and follow Your leading. I pray for the wisdom and discernment and the courage and strength to continue to listen to You above anyone on this earth. I pray that I will continue to obey You first, even if that means strained relationships, severed relationships and/or a lot of pain and suffering will come my way. I pray that I will always remember how faithful You are and always have been, and I pray in Jesus' name that I can continue to be brave and bold in sharing my faith with my family, with my friends, with total strangers. Amen.