The idea for this post came to me this morning, when I was texting with a friend before church about how overwhelmed I feel sometimes that I know Jesus. The thing is, the Jews aren't really supposed to know yet. They had their chance first but they rejected Him as the Messiah because He didn't fit the mold of what they thought the Messiah would be. I don't understand why I get to know now. Sometimes I feel like I have all this pressure on me because I do know...and I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to do with it.
I mean, I feel very blessed that I get to know Jesus. I can't imagine going back to not knowing. It's just hard because I feel alone in this. Not that I don't have amazingly supportive friends on this journey, because I do and I'm so very grateful for them. It's just the part about being a Jew and the other Jews not knowing and that feeling of guilt because I'm going against the grain of what I was raised to believe. I told my friend that I feel like a fish swimming against the current, if that makes sense. Then I thought, hey this could be my next blog post...
I decided to look up a little information on fish. First of all, there are lots of references to fish in the bible. You had Jonah who was in the belly of a fish; Jesus' first disciples who were fisherman; the boy who had a couple fish that Jesus used to feed 5,000 people. I typed the word "fish" into the Bible Gateway website and there are 75 references to fish or fishing in the NLT version. I guess you could say the bible is kinda fishy (pun intended). I figured that when I was thinking I felt like a fish swimming against the current, I was in a minority. Turns out that while many fish do just go with the flow of the current, there are also lots of fish that swim against it. Some may swim to stay facing the current in one spot so they can gobble up some grub that comes their way. Some migrate upstream to lay eggs or return home. There are fish that swim in "schools" and fish that just kinda hang out doing their own thing. I was actually kind of surprised about the "current" theory being blown out of the water (another pun). As I pondered this more and read more, I realized that even though many fish DO swim against the current, it's really not all that easy, even for the fish that were designed to swim that way. So basically, while swimming against the current is more common than I initially thought, it is still difficult and requires a considerable amount of effort and energy.
Here's how I think I'd feel if I were a fish swimming against the current. I'd be huffing and puffing my way, fighting against the current, watching all of these other fish literally just float on by with the stream, enjoying their little fish lives and being able to hang out with their fish friends and just have an easy, chillaxing ride to wherever the current took them. I think I'd be kinda jealous of those other fish. I think I'd wish I could just take the easy stream too and stop having to fight so hard to swim upstream. But here's something else I'd think. I'd think I was actually accomplishing something. I would think that I was stronger than those fish. I think I would appreciate my destination a whole lot more because of how hard I had to work to get there. AH HA. I'm having a moment here. (This is what happens when I just start typing without really knowing where I'm going).
This is making me think about a story. When I was a kid, I didn't care much about school. I was just kind of floating along but never really worked hard, I just did what I had to do to get by and my grades reflected that. When my family moved far away just before my senior year of high school, I actually worked harder in school, because frankly, I didn't really have anything better to do. About 3 weeks into the school year, my Government teacher called me up to the front of the class to talk with him at his desk. I had NO idea what I had done wrong but I was so nervous. I got up there and he said something to me that I had never heard before, nor had I ever thought about myself...he said that I was too smart for his class and that I belonged in Honors Government. What? So, now I had a choice, I could stay in regular Government and just float along and be "smarter" than most, or I could swim upstream in an Honors class with kids that were WAY smarter than me and try something harder than I had ever tried before. I could stay and get an easy "A" in Government, OR I could work super hard to maybe get a "B" in Honors. I guess that was the beginning of this fish swimming against the current. I went into the Honors class, I got a "B" but I learned a lot and I felt this certain sense of pride and accomplishment that I'm not sure I'd felt before.
Now that I'm REALLY thinking about this whole fish thing more...I'm realizing that ever since then, I have chosen to swim upstream many more times. I went to college, which I don't think I would have otherwise done. I worked so hard to get my degree, it was not easy for me and it took me over 8 years to finish. I had weight loss surgery and have been fighting really hard to lose a lot of weight and keep it off (unfortunately I've gained some of it back recently but I'm fighting to lose it again). About 8 years ago, I found myself applying to nursing school and swimming against some really serious currents to become a Registered Nurse. I've had so many opportunities to take the lazy river and something in me has pushed upstream instead. I'm realizing as I'm typing this post, that I have felt this immense sense of accomplishment every time I've gone against the current to do something that seemed and felt impossible. In this faith journey I'm on, I really do feel like I'm a fish swimming upstream. I am constantly fighting to follow Jesus in a world that's just floating along in the lazy river. It feels like a fight against the beliefs I was raised on, the people that I was born into, a fight against all of the people and things telling me it's ok to quit trying so hard and just go with the flow. It really is difficult. I still don't know why I was chosen to know Jesus before the rest of the Jews. It feels overwhelming to think about what I'm supposed to do with this knowledge. I'm scared, it's hard, and sometimes I truly do just want to hide in the belly of a fish.
My friend responded to my text this morning with this message: "I understand that feeling. You feel it for your fellow Jewish friends and family and Jews in general. I feel it for the general population that refuses to acknowledge the maker of our very being. Our job is to be the Light. To be an example of God's love and grace one person at a time. It's God's job to save them. He is the savior. We just need to be His hands and feet. One.Person.At.A.Time. That's all. It can be overwhelming to think about all that are not saved."
I think I finally understand this part of Paul's second letter to Timothy in Chapter 4:
I solemnly urge you in the presence of God and Christ Jesus, who will someday judge the living and the dead when he comes to set up his Kingdom: 2 Preach the word of God. Be prepared, whether the time is favorable or not. Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching.
3 For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear. 4 They will reject the truth and chase after myths.
5 But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don’t be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at telling others the Good News, and fully carry out the ministry God has given you.
6 As for me, my life has already been poured out as an offering to God. The time of my death is near. 7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. 8 And now the prize awaits me—the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing.
I am a fish swimming against the current. It is hard and sometimes I wish I were just floating along in the stream and sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with this fight and this journey to be the Light that I just want to quit. I know what awaits me on the other side of this journey and I want to keep swimming upstream. I want to finish the race, I want to remain faithful. I pray that day by day, Jesus will give me the direction and the strength to "keep on swimming" like Dori tells a group of fish caught in a net in "Finding Nemo." Freedom in Christ is what I'm fighting for. Peace is what I'm fighting for. Everyone to be saved and know Jesus is what I'm fighting for. I don't have to have it all figured out, I just have to keep swimming and trusting, one day at a time.
God I pray that You will give me the strength, the courage, the discernment and the obedience to continue swimming against the currents of this world. I pray that You will guide me day by day in what You want me to do just that day and that You will help with my moments of feeling so overwhelmed I just want to give up. Help me to move past my fears into faith and to continue to follow You regardless of what obstacles are in my way. I am truly in awe of You and Your grace and Your love and Your mercy. I am thankful and blessed to know You, and I am thankful and blessed for the people that You have placed in my life to support and encourage my journey. I might be one of only a few Jew fish swimming upstream, but there are some pretty amazing Christian fish swimming with me too and I am grateful that You give me what I need, when I need it...even when I don't know what I need. I love you and I praise You in the name of Jesus. Amen.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Tending your grass...
I was in the car line this afternoon waiting to pick my son up from middle school and I was chatting with a friend about something that I think we all struggle with. It's the whole idea of the "grass being greener on the other side." Let's face it, we've all wanted the grass on the other side. If we are single; we might want to be married, if we're married, we might want to be single...if we have an apartment, we might want a house...if we have an inflatable boat, we might want a yacht. We get jealous of what others have and we want what they have. There's always SOMETHING that someone has that we don't that we wish we did. It's so much in our nature, this whole jealousy thing, that God gave us a commandment that deals with this issue. This may sound familiar to you:
Exodus 20:17 New Living Translation (NLT)
17 “You must not covet your neighbor’s house. You must not covet your neighbor’s wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.”
In case you didn't understand the meaning of "covet" in this commandment, here it is:
cov·et: yearn to possess or have (something). "the president-elect covets time for exercise and fishing"
synonyms: desire, yearn for, crave, have one's heart set on, want, wish for, long for, hanker after/for, hunger after/for, thirst for "even with all they have, they covet the wealth of others"
So, now that we know what this means, here's what my thoughts are on the subject...in case anyone out there is actually reading my thoughts. In our world, especially in today's world, there is what appears to be "greener grass" EVERYWHERE. You have an iPhone 4 and your friend just got the iPhone 6, so now you want it too. You take your family to Omaha 3 hours away for an affordable vacation while you see pictures of your friend in St. Thomas with their spouse on a romantic getaway. Not only do we have greener grass everywhere, we can see it in pictures on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, You Tube...you get the idea. We have access multiple times a day to see glimpses of everyone's "greener grass" and we feel like we don't have enough, we aren't enough, we don't make enough money, we don't have enough stuff. So we tend to want to go after different grass because we think it's greener, rather than tending our own grass which has turned brown by this point because we're too busy looking at everyone else's grass. Does this make sense? It does in my mind so I'll try to make it make sense for the 2 of you reading this post.
Here's the problem, in my opinion. We are SO focused on what we don't have, that we don't really see, appreciate or take care of what we do have. In order for the grass to be green, we have to water the grass, we have to cut the grass, we might need to aerate, seed, pull weeds, and so on. The grass is NOT going to be green if we don't tend the grass. Let's face it, it's hard work to get the grass to be green and lush and beautiful. We are a world where instant gratification is what we know. We have no patience, we have no desire to really work at something. We prefer to take the easy way, we'd rather go through a fast food drive thru than spend 15-30 minutes preparing a meal at home. It's easier to walk away from a failing marriage than to put the hard work into making it better. We throw stuff away, we walk away, we "upgrade," we trade-in stuff for bigger or better or newer stuff. When our grass starts to turn brown or weeds start popping up, we just let it die, rather than trying to bring it back to life. It's a LOT of effort, it's too hard, and we don't have it in us to roll our sleeves up and get to work, so we just give up.
The thing that's really cool about God, is that He KNOWS how we are, He knows we covet, He knows we can't navigate this life on our own. He knows that we can't bring the dead to life. But He can. He has. He does. God gave us His word as our "life manual." Pretty much tells us how to do everything in that Bible on your shelf. He doesn't promise this life will be easy, but He does promise that He will be with us every step of the way. He is the way that our own grass can become green, even if it has turned brown and appears to be dead. By following Him, we can see the grass under our own feet, we can stop looking at everyone else's grass and ignoring ours. It's not easy, but it's possible.
Thanks be to God I do not have to figure out how to make my own grass green, Lord knows I'm not a green thumb! Thanks be to God I don't have to do all of this very hard work on my own. I do not have to covet, because I have Christ. By keeping my eyes on Jesus, I can learn to be grateful for what I have, rather than constantly yearn for what I don't have. I guarantee you this isn't easy. We are surrounded by greener grass all around us and it's so hard to not want it and to be content right where we are. Paul, who I first thought was an arrogant sexist, but have since come to deeply admire and strive to be like, says this in his letter to the Philippians in Chapter 4 (paraphrased in "The Message" by Eugene Peterson):
"I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."
Paul discovered that his own grass was enough for him, because of His relationship with Jesus. We need to stop looking at the grass on the other side and start tending our own grass with the help of the One that makes it green just because He's right beside us, right before us, right behind us, right in us. Thank you Jesus for helping me to see that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but it is green right where I stand because You are right with me and in me. I praise You for helping me to see this and to continue to follow Your lead in my life. It is not easy, especially in the world I live in. But You never said it would be easy...only that You would never leave me or forsake me. I love You more and more every day. Amen.
Exodus 20:17 New Living Translation (NLT)
17 “You must not covet your neighbor’s house. You must not covet your neighbor’s wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.”
In case you didn't understand the meaning of "covet" in this commandment, here it is:
cov·et: yearn to possess or have (something). "the president-elect covets time for exercise and fishing"
synonyms: desire, yearn for, crave, have one's heart set on, want, wish for, long for, hanker after/for, hunger after/for, thirst for "even with all they have, they covet the wealth of others"
So, now that we know what this means, here's what my thoughts are on the subject...in case anyone out there is actually reading my thoughts. In our world, especially in today's world, there is what appears to be "greener grass" EVERYWHERE. You have an iPhone 4 and your friend just got the iPhone 6, so now you want it too. You take your family to Omaha 3 hours away for an affordable vacation while you see pictures of your friend in St. Thomas with their spouse on a romantic getaway. Not only do we have greener grass everywhere, we can see it in pictures on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, You Tube...you get the idea. We have access multiple times a day to see glimpses of everyone's "greener grass" and we feel like we don't have enough, we aren't enough, we don't make enough money, we don't have enough stuff. So we tend to want to go after different grass because we think it's greener, rather than tending our own grass which has turned brown by this point because we're too busy looking at everyone else's grass. Does this make sense? It does in my mind so I'll try to make it make sense for the 2 of you reading this post.
Here's the problem, in my opinion. We are SO focused on what we don't have, that we don't really see, appreciate or take care of what we do have. In order for the grass to be green, we have to water the grass, we have to cut the grass, we might need to aerate, seed, pull weeds, and so on. The grass is NOT going to be green if we don't tend the grass. Let's face it, it's hard work to get the grass to be green and lush and beautiful. We are a world where instant gratification is what we know. We have no patience, we have no desire to really work at something. We prefer to take the easy way, we'd rather go through a fast food drive thru than spend 15-30 minutes preparing a meal at home. It's easier to walk away from a failing marriage than to put the hard work into making it better. We throw stuff away, we walk away, we "upgrade," we trade-in stuff for bigger or better or newer stuff. When our grass starts to turn brown or weeds start popping up, we just let it die, rather than trying to bring it back to life. It's a LOT of effort, it's too hard, and we don't have it in us to roll our sleeves up and get to work, so we just give up.
The thing that's really cool about God, is that He KNOWS how we are, He knows we covet, He knows we can't navigate this life on our own. He knows that we can't bring the dead to life. But He can. He has. He does. God gave us His word as our "life manual." Pretty much tells us how to do everything in that Bible on your shelf. He doesn't promise this life will be easy, but He does promise that He will be with us every step of the way. He is the way that our own grass can become green, even if it has turned brown and appears to be dead. By following Him, we can see the grass under our own feet, we can stop looking at everyone else's grass and ignoring ours. It's not easy, but it's possible.
Thanks be to God I do not have to figure out how to make my own grass green, Lord knows I'm not a green thumb! Thanks be to God I don't have to do all of this very hard work on my own. I do not have to covet, because I have Christ. By keeping my eyes on Jesus, I can learn to be grateful for what I have, rather than constantly yearn for what I don't have. I guarantee you this isn't easy. We are surrounded by greener grass all around us and it's so hard to not want it and to be content right where we are. Paul, who I first thought was an arrogant sexist, but have since come to deeply admire and strive to be like, says this in his letter to the Philippians in Chapter 4 (paraphrased in "The Message" by Eugene Peterson):
"I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."
Paul discovered that his own grass was enough for him, because of His relationship with Jesus. We need to stop looking at the grass on the other side and start tending our own grass with the help of the One that makes it green just because He's right beside us, right before us, right behind us, right in us. Thank you Jesus for helping me to see that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but it is green right where I stand because You are right with me and in me. I praise You for helping me to see this and to continue to follow Your lead in my life. It is not easy, especially in the world I live in. But You never said it would be easy...only that You would never leave me or forsake me. I love You more and more every day. Amen.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Giving up control
I'm just going to say it like it is. This whole following God journey is NOT easy. It's tough. I mean, I want to follow and I want to trust and I want to listen and obey. But it's HARD. I just want to take matters into my own hands even though God keeps telling me to trust Him. He keeps asking me to do things that I either truly don't want to do or that I just don't even know HOW I will do.
Yesterday morning, God and I had an interesting conversation in the shower. It was about something that's been weighing on my mind for a couple of months, if not longer. I had just finished reading some of the daily devotionals I read and in 3 separate devotionals the topic of tithing kept surfacing, which is what's been weighing on me. I went into the shower and had this little chat with God about it. It went something like this "God, I know I'm supposed to tithe and I want to and I know it's supposed to be 10%, I get that, but with the husband unemployed (again) and me paying for the family's health insurance now and all the bills I'm supposed to be paying, I just don't know how that's going to work." God: "do you trust me?" Me: "Um, really? Is that how we're going to do this? (Sigh) YES, I trust you." God: "then give the 10% and just see how I provide." Me: (panicking) "Really? Right now? Like go set up the auto donation through the church website and do this now, BEFORE I even know if my husband is going to get unemployment?" God: "Uh, ya now would be good." Me: "OK, FINE, I'M GOING TO TRUST YOU." Went to website, and it's down for 7 more days...satan trying to stop me from doing this, says a friend. Still, I will set it up and I have NO IDEA how this is going to work. I literally had around $13 from the last paycheck for almost a week before I got paid again this time. How on earth am I going to do this? Hard? UMMMM, YES. Freaking out. Trying not to freak out. I know this is what is right and I know that God is testing my faith. I even asked him at the end of all of this "HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE TESTING ME, HOW LONG AM I GOING TO BE GOING THROUGH THIS PRUNING PROCESS." And then God and I had a good chuckle while I said "I know, I know, pretty much for the rest of my life until I'm with you in heaven, right" God: "Right." HUGE SIGH.
I have plans, I have goals, I have things I want, I have things I don't want. God is really truly testing me lately, in many many areas of my life, not just financially. I literally feel like I'm walking through the fire. It's hot in here, just sayin. God wants me to wait on something and work on something that I've seriously just been done with and over for a long time. I have a right to be done. I would be justified to be done. But God says "NOPE, you need to trust me in this." So I am hanging in and waiting, and trusting and also crying and screaming and throwing a toddler style temper tantrum almost every day because I don't want to do this, it's TOO HARD!
I have thought about looking for another church that better suits my need for small groups / life groups and God says "NOPE, you stay where you are and you make your own group out of a group you're already a part of." I'm like, "really?" God: "YEP. Trust me." God tells me I'm supposed to help teach in this group on Sunday mornings. I say "REALLY? ME? WHY ME? I'm a Jew - I haven't even been in the church very long and I'm so not equipped to teach." God: "Yes, you, trust me." Me: "Ok, fine, I'll do it." Uncomfortable, yep.
God said it was time for me to be Baptized around this time last year, actually before then. I didn't want to. I tried to avoid, come up with excuses, etc. It was too hard...I'm a JEW. This is HARD. WHY? I can't begin to tell you how many signs I received confirming that it's what I was supposed to do. God was telling me, showing me, nudging, pushing. Not only did He want me to get Baptized, but He wanted me to get up in front of the entire congregation and tell my story...me, the introvert who HATES getting up in front of people to talk...dry mouth, sweaty pits, the whole thing, awful. Hate it! He told me to, so I did.
I KNOW in my heart and in my mind and in my soul that God is good and that He knows what's best for me and that He would never ask me to do something that ultimately wouldn't bring glory to Him and shape me into the woman He created me to be. But I also am a woman, and a human being, and I have this issue with CONTROL. This issue didn't start with me, and I'm sure it's not going to end with me...but you know the whole Eve and the apple story, right? We're all still paying for that by the way. I like to feel like I have some control over my life, over the people in my life, over the things I do and don't do, over my happiness. I want to be independent because I learned the hard way that you just can't depend on other people, you have to do things yourself, you have to take matters into your own hands or things will not work out the way they're supposed to (um, the way you want them to). So, how has this worked for me so far in my life...this idea of my taking control or trying to take control? Well, to be honest, not so well. Do I know this, YES I DO. But do I still try to take the control back like EVERY DAY? YES, I DO. Do I argue with God ALL THE TIME? Yes, I do. I wrestle, I argue, I throw fits, I say "but, but, but..." Guess who else argued or wrestled with God? Jacob, David, Moses, Jonah...I could go on and on but maybe you get the idea? These people we read about in the bible, they wanted to be in charge and not do what God wanted them to and they tried to avoid, hide, negotiate...but He used them all anyway. Was it painful? I'm sure it was!!! Is it painful for me, OH MY LORD YES. Do I want to scream and pull my hair out and throw myself on the floor and beat my head against a wall...yes, daily.
I feel like control will lead to happiness. I feel like happiness is what I want. I want a happy marriage, happy kids, happy job, happy life. Who doesn't want that? So we do everything we can to try to control things and people and events so that the happiness will come. The idea of giving up control over our lives is seriously contradictory to our human nature. The funny thing is that we all know that we ultimately have no control over our lives and we desperately grasp at anything we possibly can have control over and hold on as tightly as we can. We negotiate, manipulate, argue, beg, plead, demand, blackmail, bargain...with other people, and with God. The thing about this is that we think we have things under control but it's a false sense of security. So even though we try to hold onto it, we really don't have it. God does. No matter what we do or how hard we try, God is really the one in control. But knowing this doesn't stop us from trying. We are STUBBORN (do you like how I'm bringing everyone else into this with me). I am stubborn. I am impatient. I am independent and I want to do it myself.
This is making me think of when I let my teenage son drive - I give him the keys, he gets into the driver's seat, and what do I do? Say "stop, turn, slow down" or throw my arm across his chest like it's going to be stronger than the seatbelt or try to press the imaginary brake on my side of the car because I don't trust that he's going to get to a complete stop before the intersection. He'll look at me and say "mom, I got this, just trust me.") I know that might not be the BEST example in the world because hello, he's a teenage boy and he's a human and he makes mistakes. But what about God? Perfect. No mistakes. In control whether we give Him the keys or not, right? So then why can't I just hand Him the keys and go along for the ride? I want to trust Him, I really do. But it's HARD to not grab the wheel, press the brake, turn left when He's trying to steer me right. I keep trying to take back the reigns. I'll hand them to Him and then grab them back again at the first sign of trouble or panic. I don't want to, but I do.
So, here's the deal...we can hesitantly, begrudgingly turn the reigns of our lives (situations, relationships, people, events, finances) over to God and feel very out of control, unsure, scared to death about what's going to happen and we can continually or intermittently try to grab the reigns back (which is kind of like pressing the imaginary brake on our side of the car and expecting it will stop.) OR, we can ask Him to help us deal with the out of control, anxious, panicky feelings that we're going to have when we turn our stuff over to Him, and just go for the ride, not knowing where we're going, how long it will take to get there and when we'll run out of gas... What if we could believe that He really does have us, trust Him to get us to our destination...which He will, one way or another, whether we follow His lead or not, whether we allow Him to take the wheel or whether we try to grab and steer it in a different direction...what if we would truly realize that He's going before us, sitting next to us, and following behind us and we don't have to keep trying to grab the wheel.
Lord, it's not just my desire to follow you, obey what you're asking of me and trust that you'll get me where I need to be. It's also that I need help in giving up the control, help with the anxiety, the uncertainty, the panic and fear I experience whenever I do hear instruction from you. I am a hot mess, Jesus and I need You and I want You and I can't imagine navigating this life without You. But I'm afraid. Help me to trust and obey without fear. Your word says:
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10
I am counting on You. I know You will not fail me, help me to remember that every single moment of every single day. Thank you God for sending Your son, Yourself in human flesh to live and feel and die so that you fully understand us and so that we may better understand You and thank You for the resurrection, so that we know that death doesn't have the final say. I pray that You will continue to work in me, no matter how painful it is, so that I will be transformed into the woman You created me to be. I pray that Your perfect love will drive out my fear. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Yesterday morning, God and I had an interesting conversation in the shower. It was about something that's been weighing on my mind for a couple of months, if not longer. I had just finished reading some of the daily devotionals I read and in 3 separate devotionals the topic of tithing kept surfacing, which is what's been weighing on me. I went into the shower and had this little chat with God about it. It went something like this "God, I know I'm supposed to tithe and I want to and I know it's supposed to be 10%, I get that, but with the husband unemployed (again) and me paying for the family's health insurance now and all the bills I'm supposed to be paying, I just don't know how that's going to work." God: "do you trust me?" Me: "Um, really? Is that how we're going to do this? (Sigh) YES, I trust you." God: "then give the 10% and just see how I provide." Me: (panicking) "Really? Right now? Like go set up the auto donation through the church website and do this now, BEFORE I even know if my husband is going to get unemployment?" God: "Uh, ya now would be good." Me: "OK, FINE, I'M GOING TO TRUST YOU." Went to website, and it's down for 7 more days...satan trying to stop me from doing this, says a friend. Still, I will set it up and I have NO IDEA how this is going to work. I literally had around $13 from the last paycheck for almost a week before I got paid again this time. How on earth am I going to do this? Hard? UMMMM, YES. Freaking out. Trying not to freak out. I know this is what is right and I know that God is testing my faith. I even asked him at the end of all of this "HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE TESTING ME, HOW LONG AM I GOING TO BE GOING THROUGH THIS PRUNING PROCESS." And then God and I had a good chuckle while I said "I know, I know, pretty much for the rest of my life until I'm with you in heaven, right" God: "Right." HUGE SIGH.
I have plans, I have goals, I have things I want, I have things I don't want. God is really truly testing me lately, in many many areas of my life, not just financially. I literally feel like I'm walking through the fire. It's hot in here, just sayin. God wants me to wait on something and work on something that I've seriously just been done with and over for a long time. I have a right to be done. I would be justified to be done. But God says "NOPE, you need to trust me in this." So I am hanging in and waiting, and trusting and also crying and screaming and throwing a toddler style temper tantrum almost every day because I don't want to do this, it's TOO HARD!
I have thought about looking for another church that better suits my need for small groups / life groups and God says "NOPE, you stay where you are and you make your own group out of a group you're already a part of." I'm like, "really?" God: "YEP. Trust me." God tells me I'm supposed to help teach in this group on Sunday mornings. I say "REALLY? ME? WHY ME? I'm a Jew - I haven't even been in the church very long and I'm so not equipped to teach." God: "Yes, you, trust me." Me: "Ok, fine, I'll do it." Uncomfortable, yep.
God said it was time for me to be Baptized around this time last year, actually before then. I didn't want to. I tried to avoid, come up with excuses, etc. It was too hard...I'm a JEW. This is HARD. WHY? I can't begin to tell you how many signs I received confirming that it's what I was supposed to do. God was telling me, showing me, nudging, pushing. Not only did He want me to get Baptized, but He wanted me to get up in front of the entire congregation and tell my story...me, the introvert who HATES getting up in front of people to talk...dry mouth, sweaty pits, the whole thing, awful. Hate it! He told me to, so I did.
I KNOW in my heart and in my mind and in my soul that God is good and that He knows what's best for me and that He would never ask me to do something that ultimately wouldn't bring glory to Him and shape me into the woman He created me to be. But I also am a woman, and a human being, and I have this issue with CONTROL. This issue didn't start with me, and I'm sure it's not going to end with me...but you know the whole Eve and the apple story, right? We're all still paying for that by the way. I like to feel like I have some control over my life, over the people in my life, over the things I do and don't do, over my happiness. I want to be independent because I learned the hard way that you just can't depend on other people, you have to do things yourself, you have to take matters into your own hands or things will not work out the way they're supposed to (um, the way you want them to). So, how has this worked for me so far in my life...this idea of my taking control or trying to take control? Well, to be honest, not so well. Do I know this, YES I DO. But do I still try to take the control back like EVERY DAY? YES, I DO. Do I argue with God ALL THE TIME? Yes, I do. I wrestle, I argue, I throw fits, I say "but, but, but..." Guess who else argued or wrestled with God? Jacob, David, Moses, Jonah...I could go on and on but maybe you get the idea? These people we read about in the bible, they wanted to be in charge and not do what God wanted them to and they tried to avoid, hide, negotiate...but He used them all anyway. Was it painful? I'm sure it was!!! Is it painful for me, OH MY LORD YES. Do I want to scream and pull my hair out and throw myself on the floor and beat my head against a wall...yes, daily.
I feel like control will lead to happiness. I feel like happiness is what I want. I want a happy marriage, happy kids, happy job, happy life. Who doesn't want that? So we do everything we can to try to control things and people and events so that the happiness will come. The idea of giving up control over our lives is seriously contradictory to our human nature. The funny thing is that we all know that we ultimately have no control over our lives and we desperately grasp at anything we possibly can have control over and hold on as tightly as we can. We negotiate, manipulate, argue, beg, plead, demand, blackmail, bargain...with other people, and with God. The thing about this is that we think we have things under control but it's a false sense of security. So even though we try to hold onto it, we really don't have it. God does. No matter what we do or how hard we try, God is really the one in control. But knowing this doesn't stop us from trying. We are STUBBORN (do you like how I'm bringing everyone else into this with me). I am stubborn. I am impatient. I am independent and I want to do it myself.
This is making me think of when I let my teenage son drive - I give him the keys, he gets into the driver's seat, and what do I do? Say "stop, turn, slow down" or throw my arm across his chest like it's going to be stronger than the seatbelt or try to press the imaginary brake on my side of the car because I don't trust that he's going to get to a complete stop before the intersection. He'll look at me and say "mom, I got this, just trust me.") I know that might not be the BEST example in the world because hello, he's a teenage boy and he's a human and he makes mistakes. But what about God? Perfect. No mistakes. In control whether we give Him the keys or not, right? So then why can't I just hand Him the keys and go along for the ride? I want to trust Him, I really do. But it's HARD to not grab the wheel, press the brake, turn left when He's trying to steer me right. I keep trying to take back the reigns. I'll hand them to Him and then grab them back again at the first sign of trouble or panic. I don't want to, but I do.
So, here's the deal...we can hesitantly, begrudgingly turn the reigns of our lives (situations, relationships, people, events, finances) over to God and feel very out of control, unsure, scared to death about what's going to happen and we can continually or intermittently try to grab the reigns back (which is kind of like pressing the imaginary brake on our side of the car and expecting it will stop.) OR, we can ask Him to help us deal with the out of control, anxious, panicky feelings that we're going to have when we turn our stuff over to Him, and just go for the ride, not knowing where we're going, how long it will take to get there and when we'll run out of gas... What if we could believe that He really does have us, trust Him to get us to our destination...which He will, one way or another, whether we follow His lead or not, whether we allow Him to take the wheel or whether we try to grab and steer it in a different direction...what if we would truly realize that He's going before us, sitting next to us, and following behind us and we don't have to keep trying to grab the wheel.
Lord, it's not just my desire to follow you, obey what you're asking of me and trust that you'll get me where I need to be. It's also that I need help in giving up the control, help with the anxiety, the uncertainty, the panic and fear I experience whenever I do hear instruction from you. I am a hot mess, Jesus and I need You and I want You and I can't imagine navigating this life without You. But I'm afraid. Help me to trust and obey without fear. Your word says:
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10
I am counting on You. I know You will not fail me, help me to remember that every single moment of every single day. Thank you God for sending Your son, Yourself in human flesh to live and feel and die so that you fully understand us and so that we may better understand You and thank You for the resurrection, so that we know that death doesn't have the final say. I pray that You will continue to work in me, no matter how painful it is, so that I will be transformed into the woman You created me to be. I pray that Your perfect love will drive out my fear. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Getting what we want...
So, I know it's been a really long time since I've posted to my blog. I've had a lot going on in my personal life that has kind of been a tad consuming. However, I'm not here to talk about all of that. I am here, though, to talk about something that I think we can all relate to. That something...is getting what we want.
We all have wants, in fact, I believe that it's innate in us from before we were born to have wants. When we are babies, we cry when we want something. As toddlers, we throw fits when we want something. Teens...slam doors, roll eyes, beg, plead, bargain. Adults, I think we kind of do a combination of all of those things. Sometimes we cry, throw fits, beg, beat against a wall. We can do this with each other, but we also do this with God. We expect God to fulfill the promises that He's made to us, like the promise of Jeremiah 29:11, for example: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Somehow, people forget the other parts of that chapter, especially the part about where it will take 70 years to get those plans rolling. In fact, just before verse 11, Jeremiah says "This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place." Umm, 70 years? WHAT? I was kind of hoping for say, NOW or maybe 5 years ago would have been nice...but I could be dead in 70 years.
So, back in the day, if you've ever read through the Old Testament...the Jews wanted what everyone else had. They wanted a King like the other nations to rule over them and build armies to fight for them so they could get more of what they wanted. They desperately wanted a King. They begged God for a King. He kept saying "no" and they didn't really like that answer, so they threw some major fits until finally God said "fine, you want a King, you will get a King, and you'll be just like everyone else." Sometimes I feel like God was kind of like us human parents...you get worn down by the tantrums and the begging and the pleading of your kids, that you just give in and give them what they want, even if you KNOW it's not good for them, just to get them to SHUT UP!!! I'm not the only one that has done this, am I? So God gave the Jews a King. Some of the Kings were really good Kings and there was prosperity in Israel and the people were right with God and He blessed them. Sometimes the Kings were really bad, and the people forgot all of the goodness of God and turned their backs on Him, creating false idols, going after things and people and land that they wanted, without consulting with God. It seems like, if you read through Kings and Chronicles, that God is with the people when they are with Him, but then when they forget Him, he turns His back on them.
It seems really conditional, God's love and His promises, throughout the Old Testament. I don't know about you, but as a mom, I LOVE my kids, truly unconditionally. I get irritated with them and they do bad things, but I still love them. I don't turn my back on them...I might walk away or send them to their room for a time out or take something away from them that will punish them for something they have or haven't done, but nothing changes my love for them. BUT, sometimes we have to let our kids make their own mistakes and figure things out on their own. I think it's called "natural consequences." I know that what you want isn't good for you, but I can't (especially the older they get) always stop you from going after something that you want that isn't good for you. I have to step back and let you figure it out on your own. When you realize that it's not good for you, I'll still be here, and I'll always still love you, but I kinda can't watch you do this, so I might just put my hand in front of my eyes for a while and it might feel like I'm not here and that I don't love you...but know that I do love you, I just can't watch you make this mistake because it will hurt me too!
Ok, so if you can relate so far, imagine how God feels about His children when we ask for something that He KNOWS isn't good for us, but we ask, and we beg, and we plead and we bargain, and finally...He's like, ok fine, you can have it, I know it's not good for you, I KNOW the plans I have for you, but you want to take matters into your own hands and that's ok, I gave you free will and I created you in My image and I get that it's hard to be patient and wait, so go ahead, it's yours. I can't really watch you do this because it hurts me, so it might feel like I've abandoned you, but I'm really still here, and I'll always be here and I love you. I still know the plans I have for you, and one way or another, they will get fulfilled, maybe not for 70 years, and maybe not even in THIS life, but you are only delaying what I have for you...and I guess you want to figure that out the hard way. So then, we get what we wanted. YAY! God must be in this because He gave me what I wanted and it's going to be SO awesome! And then...at some point...maybe right away, or maybe in 70 years, we realize that we don't really feel like God is with us or that He's blessing us...we feel like He's abandoned us and we realize that what we thought we wanted is indeed NOT good for us and we get really, really ANGRY with God. WHY DID YOU LET ME HAVE THIS? If you KNEW it wasn't good for me, why did you allow it to happen? What kind of God allows me to get what He knows isn't good for me????
Thinking back to Genesis, a really really BIG example of what happens when we take matters into our own hands instead of waiting on God...is the whole Abraham, Ishmael, Isaac scenario. If you don't know this story, please read it! Here's basically what happened: God tells Abraham in his OLD age, that He's going to give him a son and that He's going to bless ALL the nations through him. Abraham has ALWAYS wanted a son, and so has his wife Sarah, and they are way past the age of having children and just figured it wasn't meant to be, and so they still wanted, but they were just dealing with it. Then God tells them His plan, that they WILL have a son, and they wait...and they wait...and they wait. No son. Nothing. Ummm, clearly God isn't going to give us what we want, so Sarah's like, hey hubby, go get busy with my handmaiden Hagar and have a kid through her. Let's make this happen already, let's get what we want. So Abraham is like, well...ok I guess...so then he has a son, Ishmael. Now, God wasn't happy with what he did, but He's like, whatever dude, I'm still going to bless you like I said I would, but you took matters into your own hands, you didn't wait on me, and that's ok...but there will be consequences. Now, here's your son Isaac that I promised you and I will still bless all nations through him, but there's going to be trouble for a very long time because Ishmael's line will also be blessed and it's not going to be pretty to get back to my original plan because you wanted something so bad that you got it your own way instead of my way. In case anyone hasn't noticed, there has been a LOT of tension in the middle east throughout history. A lot of fighting, a lot of really bad things have happened, are still happening, and will continue to happen because Abraham just didn't feel like waiting for God to give him what he wanted so desperately. I think that a lot of my people, the Jewish people, especially Israel, feel like God has abandoned them/us. We're supposed to be the "chosen" people of God. Why is there all this fighting, why has the land you PROMISED us turned into a huge warzone? How could you allow all of this to happen? Lots of people are angry with God...but is it really God's fault that Abraham took matters into his own hands? Did God ALLOW this to happen, well - yes He did. Remember He gave us free will and He created us in His image and we might delay His plans for us because we go about getting what we want with or without His blessings...BUT...
This is a REALLY big but (I like big...ok nevermind). Anyway, here's the really GOOD news. God, even when we take matters into our own hands and even when He allows us to get what we want sometimes even if it's not what HE wants for us, is bigger than our mistakes. He can take the worst mistakes we make and work things out for the good. Wait, here's a little quote from scripture: Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." The really GOOD news is that He will redeem us if we love Him, even if we've made a million mistakes. We STILL have hope, we STILL have a future. We STILL can fulfill HIS purpose for our lives!! Hallelujah and praise God.
I have seen this happen recently in my own life, and to be blunt, I'm not sure if I deserved to see this so quickly or why it was revealed to me so quickly, but I am so very thankful that it was. Without going into details, I took a matter into my own hands, without consulting God, I made a decision...God said, uh, hello...did we talk about this? I don't think I remember me saying this was ok for you to do. I realized a few days later that it wasn't what God wanted me to do, and I was able to reverse the decision I made...thankfully. Now, I have to say that I'm still not sure how things are going to end up in this matter, but I can say that God took my mistake, turned it into something I never thought could or would happen, and the story is still unfolding. I have absolutely NO idea how long it will take to get what I want (if EVER), to get what God is working out for me, and there are days where I just get really impatient and really angry and feel like taking matters into my own hands. But I have to stop and pause...I have to force myself to remember who is in charge, and it's not me. It's not my timeline, it's not about what I want, even though I really feel like I know what I want. I am trying day by day, minute by minute, to wait and to trust and to be who He wants me to be in the meantime, in the waiting...even though I seriously want to (and sometimes do) throw a HUGE temper tantrum.
God, PLEASE forgive me for the times I haven't (and don't) trust you. Forgive me for being impatient like a toddler and for begging for what I want even though I'm not sure it's what YOU want for me. Forgive me for taking matters into my own hands, for being selfish, for wanting what may not necessarily be good for me even if it feels like it is or should be! It is my desire to be still and KNOW that you are God, but sometimes I forget to be still, or I just completely refuse to be still before you. My life before Christ might have been easier in many ways, and frankly Lord, it's SOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to follow You, SOOOOOOOOOOO hard to be still, SOOOOOOOOO hard to trust. This world is FULL of temptations at every single corner, FULL of things, stuff, people, places that distract me and make me want something more, or something different than what I have. But, Lord, I don't want a life devoid of You. I can't go back. I don't want to go back. I want to be content, thankful and at peace and I know that even though I look for that everywhere else, it can ONLY be found in You. Help me to keep my eyes focused on YOU, help me keep my ears open to Your words, wisdom and discernment, help me to keep my face to the ground worshipping, praising and thanking You for what I have, what I don't have, what I can have, what I can't have...keep reminding me Lord, that it's YOUR will I want and need, not mine! In Jesus name, I pray. Amen.
We all have wants, in fact, I believe that it's innate in us from before we were born to have wants. When we are babies, we cry when we want something. As toddlers, we throw fits when we want something. Teens...slam doors, roll eyes, beg, plead, bargain. Adults, I think we kind of do a combination of all of those things. Sometimes we cry, throw fits, beg, beat against a wall. We can do this with each other, but we also do this with God. We expect God to fulfill the promises that He's made to us, like the promise of Jeremiah 29:11, for example: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Somehow, people forget the other parts of that chapter, especially the part about where it will take 70 years to get those plans rolling. In fact, just before verse 11, Jeremiah says "This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place." Umm, 70 years? WHAT? I was kind of hoping for say, NOW or maybe 5 years ago would have been nice...but I could be dead in 70 years.
So, back in the day, if you've ever read through the Old Testament...the Jews wanted what everyone else had. They wanted a King like the other nations to rule over them and build armies to fight for them so they could get more of what they wanted. They desperately wanted a King. They begged God for a King. He kept saying "no" and they didn't really like that answer, so they threw some major fits until finally God said "fine, you want a King, you will get a King, and you'll be just like everyone else." Sometimes I feel like God was kind of like us human parents...you get worn down by the tantrums and the begging and the pleading of your kids, that you just give in and give them what they want, even if you KNOW it's not good for them, just to get them to SHUT UP!!! I'm not the only one that has done this, am I? So God gave the Jews a King. Some of the Kings were really good Kings and there was prosperity in Israel and the people were right with God and He blessed them. Sometimes the Kings were really bad, and the people forgot all of the goodness of God and turned their backs on Him, creating false idols, going after things and people and land that they wanted, without consulting with God. It seems like, if you read through Kings and Chronicles, that God is with the people when they are with Him, but then when they forget Him, he turns His back on them.
It seems really conditional, God's love and His promises, throughout the Old Testament. I don't know about you, but as a mom, I LOVE my kids, truly unconditionally. I get irritated with them and they do bad things, but I still love them. I don't turn my back on them...I might walk away or send them to their room for a time out or take something away from them that will punish them for something they have or haven't done, but nothing changes my love for them. BUT, sometimes we have to let our kids make their own mistakes and figure things out on their own. I think it's called "natural consequences." I know that what you want isn't good for you, but I can't (especially the older they get) always stop you from going after something that you want that isn't good for you. I have to step back and let you figure it out on your own. When you realize that it's not good for you, I'll still be here, and I'll always still love you, but I kinda can't watch you do this, so I might just put my hand in front of my eyes for a while and it might feel like I'm not here and that I don't love you...but know that I do love you, I just can't watch you make this mistake because it will hurt me too!
Ok, so if you can relate so far, imagine how God feels about His children when we ask for something that He KNOWS isn't good for us, but we ask, and we beg, and we plead and we bargain, and finally...He's like, ok fine, you can have it, I know it's not good for you, I KNOW the plans I have for you, but you want to take matters into your own hands and that's ok, I gave you free will and I created you in My image and I get that it's hard to be patient and wait, so go ahead, it's yours. I can't really watch you do this because it hurts me, so it might feel like I've abandoned you, but I'm really still here, and I'll always be here and I love you. I still know the plans I have for you, and one way or another, they will get fulfilled, maybe not for 70 years, and maybe not even in THIS life, but you are only delaying what I have for you...and I guess you want to figure that out the hard way. So then, we get what we wanted. YAY! God must be in this because He gave me what I wanted and it's going to be SO awesome! And then...at some point...maybe right away, or maybe in 70 years, we realize that we don't really feel like God is with us or that He's blessing us...we feel like He's abandoned us and we realize that what we thought we wanted is indeed NOT good for us and we get really, really ANGRY with God. WHY DID YOU LET ME HAVE THIS? If you KNEW it wasn't good for me, why did you allow it to happen? What kind of God allows me to get what He knows isn't good for me????
Thinking back to Genesis, a really really BIG example of what happens when we take matters into our own hands instead of waiting on God...is the whole Abraham, Ishmael, Isaac scenario. If you don't know this story, please read it! Here's basically what happened: God tells Abraham in his OLD age, that He's going to give him a son and that He's going to bless ALL the nations through him. Abraham has ALWAYS wanted a son, and so has his wife Sarah, and they are way past the age of having children and just figured it wasn't meant to be, and so they still wanted, but they were just dealing with it. Then God tells them His plan, that they WILL have a son, and they wait...and they wait...and they wait. No son. Nothing. Ummm, clearly God isn't going to give us what we want, so Sarah's like, hey hubby, go get busy with my handmaiden Hagar and have a kid through her. Let's make this happen already, let's get what we want. So Abraham is like, well...ok I guess...so then he has a son, Ishmael. Now, God wasn't happy with what he did, but He's like, whatever dude, I'm still going to bless you like I said I would, but you took matters into your own hands, you didn't wait on me, and that's ok...but there will be consequences. Now, here's your son Isaac that I promised you and I will still bless all nations through him, but there's going to be trouble for a very long time because Ishmael's line will also be blessed and it's not going to be pretty to get back to my original plan because you wanted something so bad that you got it your own way instead of my way. In case anyone hasn't noticed, there has been a LOT of tension in the middle east throughout history. A lot of fighting, a lot of really bad things have happened, are still happening, and will continue to happen because Abraham just didn't feel like waiting for God to give him what he wanted so desperately. I think that a lot of my people, the Jewish people, especially Israel, feel like God has abandoned them/us. We're supposed to be the "chosen" people of God. Why is there all this fighting, why has the land you PROMISED us turned into a huge warzone? How could you allow all of this to happen? Lots of people are angry with God...but is it really God's fault that Abraham took matters into his own hands? Did God ALLOW this to happen, well - yes He did. Remember He gave us free will and He created us in His image and we might delay His plans for us because we go about getting what we want with or without His blessings...BUT...
This is a REALLY big but (I like big...ok nevermind). Anyway, here's the really GOOD news. God, even when we take matters into our own hands and even when He allows us to get what we want sometimes even if it's not what HE wants for us, is bigger than our mistakes. He can take the worst mistakes we make and work things out for the good. Wait, here's a little quote from scripture: Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." The really GOOD news is that He will redeem us if we love Him, even if we've made a million mistakes. We STILL have hope, we STILL have a future. We STILL can fulfill HIS purpose for our lives!! Hallelujah and praise God.
I have seen this happen recently in my own life, and to be blunt, I'm not sure if I deserved to see this so quickly or why it was revealed to me so quickly, but I am so very thankful that it was. Without going into details, I took a matter into my own hands, without consulting God, I made a decision...God said, uh, hello...did we talk about this? I don't think I remember me saying this was ok for you to do. I realized a few days later that it wasn't what God wanted me to do, and I was able to reverse the decision I made...thankfully. Now, I have to say that I'm still not sure how things are going to end up in this matter, but I can say that God took my mistake, turned it into something I never thought could or would happen, and the story is still unfolding. I have absolutely NO idea how long it will take to get what I want (if EVER), to get what God is working out for me, and there are days where I just get really impatient and really angry and feel like taking matters into my own hands. But I have to stop and pause...I have to force myself to remember who is in charge, and it's not me. It's not my timeline, it's not about what I want, even though I really feel like I know what I want. I am trying day by day, minute by minute, to wait and to trust and to be who He wants me to be in the meantime, in the waiting...even though I seriously want to (and sometimes do) throw a HUGE temper tantrum.
God, PLEASE forgive me for the times I haven't (and don't) trust you. Forgive me for being impatient like a toddler and for begging for what I want even though I'm not sure it's what YOU want for me. Forgive me for taking matters into my own hands, for being selfish, for wanting what may not necessarily be good for me even if it feels like it is or should be! It is my desire to be still and KNOW that you are God, but sometimes I forget to be still, or I just completely refuse to be still before you. My life before Christ might have been easier in many ways, and frankly Lord, it's SOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to follow You, SOOOOOOOOOOO hard to be still, SOOOOOOOOO hard to trust. This world is FULL of temptations at every single corner, FULL of things, stuff, people, places that distract me and make me want something more, or something different than what I have. But, Lord, I don't want a life devoid of You. I can't go back. I don't want to go back. I want to be content, thankful and at peace and I know that even though I look for that everywhere else, it can ONLY be found in You. Help me to keep my eyes focused on YOU, help me keep my ears open to Your words, wisdom and discernment, help me to keep my face to the ground worshipping, praising and thanking You for what I have, what I don't have, what I can have, what I can't have...keep reminding me Lord, that it's YOUR will I want and need, not mine! In Jesus name, I pray. Amen.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Something worth sharing...
I read several daily bible devotional plans and many of them are worth sharing, and some I do share with people that I think would get something out of it. Today, I read this and I feel like it's worth sharing. It's a GREAT reminder for me and I hope it is for anyone who might be reading this too. I'm not sure who wrote it to give them credit, but it's good stuff!
"In life, we usually are either running TOWARDS our future or FROM our pasts...rarely are we truly living in the MOMENT, simply allowing God to mend and mold our hearts.
No matter what happens in life: illness, great health, betrayal, commitments, grief, good times, bad times, success, failure, family/marital harmony, family/marital conflict, etc...ALL situations in life reveal so much about ourselves.
Every situation reveals our level of commitment, love, and loyalty to God, our love and service to others, and ALL reveal our true character.
EVERYTHING in life has the power to refine us, strengthen or weaken us...each shows us a true glimpse of our heart.
It's up to us to continually allow our hearts to be molded by God and allow Him to polish us up to shine for Him...in good times and bad.
Sometimes being present in the moment is very difficult to do...but these moments can oftentimes be the times we look back on and realize that God accomplished the most in and through us.
As we seek His heart and call on Him, we realize God has a great plan for our lives. He truly is worth seeking with our whole heart!
Run to Him today, then rest in Him...He holds our past, our present, and our future in His hands so we truly can trust Him with the details of every moment! Once we trust Him, living in the moment becomes a true joy."
"In life, we usually are either running TOWARDS our future or FROM our pasts...rarely are we truly living in the MOMENT, simply allowing God to mend and mold our hearts.
No matter what happens in life: illness, great health, betrayal, commitments, grief, good times, bad times, success, failure, family/marital harmony, family/marital conflict, etc...ALL situations in life reveal so much about ourselves.
Every situation reveals our level of commitment, love, and loyalty to God, our love and service to others, and ALL reveal our true character.
EVERYTHING in life has the power to refine us, strengthen or weaken us...each shows us a true glimpse of our heart.
It's up to us to continually allow our hearts to be molded by God and allow Him to polish us up to shine for Him...in good times and bad.
Sometimes being present in the moment is very difficult to do...but these moments can oftentimes be the times we look back on and realize that God accomplished the most in and through us.
As we seek His heart and call on Him, we realize God has a great plan for our lives. He truly is worth seeking with our whole heart!
Run to Him today, then rest in Him...He holds our past, our present, and our future in His hands so we truly can trust Him with the details of every moment! Once we trust Him, living in the moment becomes a true joy."
Monday, February 16, 2015
I knew he would be waiting...
Whenever I have a really great God moment or day or week...I've learned to expect that Satan would be waiting to trip me up. When I first realized what was happening, it was really hard to bounce back, he would suck me in and trap me into a pit of doubt, guilt, remorse, fear, worry, anxiety - just about all of the places that God does not lead us, nor does He want us to stay. Over time, I've gotten better about recognizing Satan's schemes and have tried to prepare myself for his attacks. Seems like he just gets slicker and sneakier each time. I've also thankfully been able to bounce back faster each time too because of my faith in God growing stronger with each setback. So, when I made the decision to get Baptized...I KNEW that I was going to be in for some serious warfare. I thought I was prepared for him. I was, to an extent, but boy did I still feel like I had been run over by a truck, and I'm still trying to recover!!
Without going into too much detail, I had an email exchange with a distant relative where he, without even knowing that I had come to believe in Jesus, was telling me about how his Christian wife came to convert to Judaism and realized that everything she was raised to believe was not true. He had several convincing arguments that a Rabbi they took a class from had compiled in a book he wrote contrasting Christianity and Judaism. I kind of took this as a challenge to read his book, his website, and listen to some of his radio interviews. I thought that since I feel like somehow I'm supposed to help bridge the gap between Jews and Christians, I needed to understand this perspective to better understand why most of my people reject Jesus being the Messiah. So I read the book - it was REALLY hard to read. I had moments where I was thinking, oh geez this guy doesn't know what he's talking about to moments where I was seriously doubting and questioning my beliefs and wondering "MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?" It took me a while to read this book, even though it's fairly short comparatively speaking (I mean, I've read the entire Bible, lol). I kept getting sucked into all these horrible pits of doubt and guilt and questioning what in the world am I supposed to believe in. What if I'm worshiping a false idol...that's SO not cool. And if I'm worshiping a false idol, then what does that mean for me? Where will I get to spend eternity? Reading this book seriously threw me into a major pit, for a while. Couple that with the fact that I haven't been to church much since I was baptized - mostly due to circumstances, sickness, etc. Still, the disconnection from church and reading this book all at the same time? Coincidence? I think NOT. I think Satan REALLY wants to shake up my relationship with God, and he was doing a really good job of it for a while. I'm actually not certain that I'm out of the woods yet, but I think I'm well on my way, thanks be to God and to seriously amazing Godly friendships that have supported, encouraged, reminded, cared for and loved me so well through all of this. I'm continually in awe of a God that is so good to me that He gives me what (and who) I need before I even know I need it/them.
Here's the bottom line in all of this spiritual warfare: If believing in Jesus ends up being wrong in the end, and if I discover that I have been worshiping a false idol, then 1) I can hope and pray that this incredibly merciful God who formed me and knows my heart will forgive me and will understand how much I have sought out the truth and desired so much to follow Him; and 2) The thought of NOT having Jesus in my life and in my heart...is seriously too much to bear, and I just can't imagine what could be so wrong about believing in everything He taught us while He was on this earth. I can't find anything in the New Testament that isn't good...yes, there are some hard truths to swallow in the New Testament and I've struggled and wrestled with many verses and stories...but for the most part, what Jesus did for us, and what He said we should do for each other, I just can't imagine anything better or more right. Going back to my life before Jesus...I think it would literally crush me, destroy me. I don't want to believe that He's not who He said He was. I can't not believe that. I NEED Him and I WANT Him to be the Messiah. God forgive me if this ends up being the largest sin I could possibly commit in my life.
Lord, I thank you so much for your grace, your mercy, your love and concern and for giving me what I need when I need it. I thank you for blessing me and surrounding me with people who illuminate Your light in the way they support, encourage and care for me. I have been through many trials, and I know I will go through many more. I know that not everything and not everyone is good for me. I pray that You will give me the wisdom and discernment to sift through everything I read, see, hear, touch and feel; taking what is good and releasing what is not. I pray that You will continue to lead me on the path you want me to walk and that I will not veer so far from it that I can't find my way back. I pray that You will continue to strengthen me, continue to pursue me, continue to teach me Your truth, and equip me to face the enemy that is waiting for me, so I can rebuke him and press deeper into You. Keep me out of the pit Lord...lift me up out of it, carry me through it or reach Your hand in to pull me out. Remind me who I am and whose I am every day. Keep me humble and hold me close. In Jesus name, Amen.
Without going into too much detail, I had an email exchange with a distant relative where he, without even knowing that I had come to believe in Jesus, was telling me about how his Christian wife came to convert to Judaism and realized that everything she was raised to believe was not true. He had several convincing arguments that a Rabbi they took a class from had compiled in a book he wrote contrasting Christianity and Judaism. I kind of took this as a challenge to read his book, his website, and listen to some of his radio interviews. I thought that since I feel like somehow I'm supposed to help bridge the gap between Jews and Christians, I needed to understand this perspective to better understand why most of my people reject Jesus being the Messiah. So I read the book - it was REALLY hard to read. I had moments where I was thinking, oh geez this guy doesn't know what he's talking about to moments where I was seriously doubting and questioning my beliefs and wondering "MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?" It took me a while to read this book, even though it's fairly short comparatively speaking (I mean, I've read the entire Bible, lol). I kept getting sucked into all these horrible pits of doubt and guilt and questioning what in the world am I supposed to believe in. What if I'm worshiping a false idol...that's SO not cool. And if I'm worshiping a false idol, then what does that mean for me? Where will I get to spend eternity? Reading this book seriously threw me into a major pit, for a while. Couple that with the fact that I haven't been to church much since I was baptized - mostly due to circumstances, sickness, etc. Still, the disconnection from church and reading this book all at the same time? Coincidence? I think NOT. I think Satan REALLY wants to shake up my relationship with God, and he was doing a really good job of it for a while. I'm actually not certain that I'm out of the woods yet, but I think I'm well on my way, thanks be to God and to seriously amazing Godly friendships that have supported, encouraged, reminded, cared for and loved me so well through all of this. I'm continually in awe of a God that is so good to me that He gives me what (and who) I need before I even know I need it/them.
Here's the bottom line in all of this spiritual warfare: If believing in Jesus ends up being wrong in the end, and if I discover that I have been worshiping a false idol, then 1) I can hope and pray that this incredibly merciful God who formed me and knows my heart will forgive me and will understand how much I have sought out the truth and desired so much to follow Him; and 2) The thought of NOT having Jesus in my life and in my heart...is seriously too much to bear, and I just can't imagine what could be so wrong about believing in everything He taught us while He was on this earth. I can't find anything in the New Testament that isn't good...yes, there are some hard truths to swallow in the New Testament and I've struggled and wrestled with many verses and stories...but for the most part, what Jesus did for us, and what He said we should do for each other, I just can't imagine anything better or more right. Going back to my life before Jesus...I think it would literally crush me, destroy me. I don't want to believe that He's not who He said He was. I can't not believe that. I NEED Him and I WANT Him to be the Messiah. God forgive me if this ends up being the largest sin I could possibly commit in my life.
Lord, I thank you so much for your grace, your mercy, your love and concern and for giving me what I need when I need it. I thank you for blessing me and surrounding me with people who illuminate Your light in the way they support, encourage and care for me. I have been through many trials, and I know I will go through many more. I know that not everything and not everyone is good for me. I pray that You will give me the wisdom and discernment to sift through everything I read, see, hear, touch and feel; taking what is good and releasing what is not. I pray that You will continue to lead me on the path you want me to walk and that I will not veer so far from it that I can't find my way back. I pray that You will continue to strengthen me, continue to pursue me, continue to teach me Your truth, and equip me to face the enemy that is waiting for me, so I can rebuke him and press deeper into You. Keep me out of the pit Lord...lift me up out of it, carry me through it or reach Your hand in to pull me out. Remind me who I am and whose I am every day. Keep me humble and hold me close. In Jesus name, Amen.
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