One thing that I love...and sometimes hate...about my faith journey, is that I've had to take some long hard looks into my own soul. If I'm going to grow into a woman in whom Christ dwells, and if I'm going to surrender to Him so He can shape and refine me into the woman He created me to be, then I need to know, REALLY know, who I am and who I've been. Sometimes I see good things, and sometimes, I see some not so good things about myself. The really cool thing is that God loves me no matter what and He's already forgiven every sin in thought or action that I have ever committed and will ever commit. But as I mentioned in my last post, the way to salvation involves surrender and sacrifice. It has to. If I don't let Jesus transform me by surrendering and sacrificing all my stuff to Him, then I'm not fully living in His will and I'm not fully accepting His salvation. So I've been pondering alot lately about who I am and why I can't fully surrender. I know things in my head, and some of it has seeped into my heart, and I know that I'm changing...but I've got issues, big issues, that are standing in the way of my surrender. I think this week, I've stumbled upon the BIG issue, the one that has always always affected my thoughts, my actions, my reactions, my relationships, and ultimately my surrender to the One true God.
Here it is...insecurity. I've always been insecure. I've always had low self-esteem. I've always struggled with the insecurity and it has always followed me everywhere I've gone in my life. It followed me into the classroom when I was a kid and was afraid to raise my hand or speak up, even if I knew the answer. It followed me to the softball fields and basketball courts when I never felt "good enough" to play. It followed me into my food choices, exercise habits (or lack thereof) and it followed me into obesity and back down again, into all of my friendships, my relationships with men, into my family relationships...everywhere. I have never been able to shake this insecurity no matter how hard I've tried and no matter how much I've accomplished. I've had moments where I've had spurts of security - and when I look back, those have ALL come from external sources: pats on the back from other people recognizing a job well done, encouragement from a youth group leader to see myself as a beautiful and wonderful person, getting good grades, graduating from college and then nursing school, recognition from others on my weight loss, friends who have had great things to say about me...not that any of these things are bad. It's good to be recognized by others and to be esteemed by them. But, here's the problem...none of this has led to true security, lasting security in being comfortable in my own skin and in being content. My insecurities have led to broken or damaged relationships, body image issues whether obese or not, and they are a huge reason for why I haven't told my family of my faith...and especially I think the biggest reason for my lack of surrender and full acceptance of the gift of salvation that Jesus has given.
Just like Adam and Eve didn't realize they were naked until they had sinned, insecurity is a failure to realize who we are because satan has gotten to us. He's fed us lie after lie and is doing everything in his power to separate us from God and from salvation. He wants to keep us in our sinful nature, wants to break our spirit and keep The Spirit out of us. He's pretty sneaky in how he does this and our society and our sinful world is doing nothing to help us get out of this darkness and into God's light. If we are to be free, to surrender, to live in God's will, to live in the light...we have to go into these dark places of our souls and we have to rebuke satan and rely on Scripture. We have to be in God's word, know His word, use His word when negative, dark thoughts come into our heads, and we need to not let ANYTHING or anyone separate us from God's love. Saying and doing are definitely two different things. But I am trying, with God's help, to replace all of the negative, insecure thoughts and feelings I have with His truths. My security can ONLY come from God and from seeing my reflection through His eyes, and not my own, and not the world's. This is hard and it's a process. I will be fighting this battle the rest of my life, I'm sure...but I have someone who will ALWAYS be with me, will go before me, walk beside me and follow behind. Someone who will never leave me or forsake me, who will never break His promises to me, who will always love me unconditionally and deeply, never disappoint me or hurt me. I have to learn to trust in that, fully trust in that and to stand firm on that no matter what my circumstances are. I cannot be complete without the ONLY one that can complete me, can truly satisfy me and IS the only security I need.
God, I recognize that I've allowed satan to bring me into the darkness of my own insecurities and to keep me there and I can see how much damage my insecurities have caused myself, my family, my friends and my spouse. I cannot fight these thoughts and feelings I have on my own. I need Your strength, I need Your Word to speak truth into my soul everyday, every hour, every minute. I need You to help me turn my negative thoughts and my negative perceptions of me and of others in my life into positive ones...by the promises You have given. I want to surrender all of my stuff to You Jesus but I know I can't or won't do that while I'm still living in the slavery of my insecurities. Please help me stand up to satan and fight this spiritual battle that invades my life so deeply. I pray that each day, as I seek You and talk to You, that You will show me the way to security, to freedom, to my abiding in You and You in me. Thank for your patience and for showing me the log I clearly have in my own eye, when I've been so quick to point out the speck in others eyes. I recognize this as my own insecurity and I want to live in Your security. I love you and I thank you for Your redeeming work in my life and in the world. In Jesus name, Amen.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Surrender, Sacrifice, and seeing only a Sliver...
So, in my journey to walk with God and to know Him and understand Him, one of the most difficult things to grasp is this concept of surrender.
According to Merriam-Webster, surrender is:
1 transitive verb
a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand
b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another
2 intransitive verb
a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner
b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)
3 intransitive verb
: to give oneself up into the power of another : yield
"Surrender." Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web 19 Aug. 2013. "http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/surrender."
Spiritually, I believe that this means that we need to yield to God, that we need to believe that He sees the entirety of our life on earth and not just the "sliver" that we see in the present and that He asks us to trust Him enough to surrender our "wants" to His will. For me, this concept is difficult because I've been living life for me, even though I've historically been someone who does things for others, in the grand scheme of my life, I've been pretty darn selfish. I want what I want, when I want it and how I want it. But to surrender to God means doing things I don't want to do but that I feel or know that God wants me to do...and it means to not do things that I want to do that go against His will for me. This all goes back to my "gut" and what I feel God is nudging me to either do or not do, and then to actually follow through with those things in obedience. Definitely not as easy or simple as it sounds. For example, I have a sharp/sarcastic way of dealing with people who frustrate or hurt me (mostly my own family). I really do believe that this is NOT how God wants me to behave. I do believe that He wants me to speak kindness, love, humility and self-sacrifice into every situation and to every person I come into contact with. Easy? Sometimes, especially if it's a stranger at the store or a gathering of friends or people at church...I don't seem to have a hard time speaking kindly and in love to those people. I'm not as emotionally invested in them as I am in my husband, kids, extended family and very closest friendships. That's where I'm tested. And I fail, miserably, far more than I succeed.
Surrender, I believe is to give up and give in to God's will. To empty myself of myself and allow God to fill me up. Allow Him to work through me. This is what I desire. This is what I struggle with. It's sacrifice. And sacrifice hurts. It's something that we have to give up that we really just don't want to give up, whether it's a harsh tone, a wrong relationship, a material possession, people that we love...the list is long. Ultimately, I believe that true surrender will lead to true joy, to true peace, to seeing the glory of God work in our lives as it's meant to. I think we get in the way of ourselves and the plans God has for us quite often. I'm sure I do. I believe that even when we stray from His path, He can still work things for our good, but not without a tremendous amount of pain, hardship, sacrifice, sadness - I think we have to travel a much more difficult road when we aren't obedient to His will by surrendering and sacrificing when and what He asks of us. When we delay our obedience, the cost is far greater than when we follow faster. I have very specific examples of times in my life that I have clearly gone against what God has wanted for me, and because of that, I have had to suffer through some stuff that hasn't been pleasant. Here's one story of many, and I think one that others can relate to, regardless of their spiritual beliefs...
I've always been overweight...pretty much my whole life at least marginally overweight. But there was a period of time in my life where I became "morbidly obese" and I had managed to tip the scale at my doctor's office, only seeing the number "350+" written in my chart. I'm certain that it's not in God's will for me to become so obese. For one thing, I'm created in God's image and if I take care of myself, I'm taking care of Him, of His gift of my life. For another thing, I had too much, while others had not nearly enough, or nothing. In no way do I believe that He thinks it's ok to eat more than I need, over and over again, and to allow myself to get so heavy. God, through His incredible grace, worked this miserable existence I was living in to my good. How? Well, I was able to have LapBand surgery 7 years ago, paid for mostly (90%) by my health insurance plan. 7 years later, through a lot of hard work, exercise, changing my eating habits...I have lost about 140lbs. Because I have lost this weight and gotten healthier, I have been able to go to nursing school, become a nurse, keep up with my kids, I can barely sit still anymore, I'm able to do SO much that I never thought I'd be able to do...my life literally has been changed for the good by having this surgery and losing this weight. The problem? Sagging skin and a body that is falling apart in the aftermath of carrying all of that extra weight around for so long. I have bulging discs in my back, had 2 torn tendons in my feet, an injured shoulder and most recently, surgery to repair a tear in my knee. The sagging skin is incredibly frustrating, as I can't wear clothes I should be able to wear and I have to see and feel all this skin every day, as a constant reminder of what I did to myself. The injuries I've suffered have slowed me down and caused a lot of pain, forced me to shift my course in my nursing career to less physically demanding jobs, and impeded my weight loss journey. All of this to say, that although God did and is working all of this for my good, it's come at a cost, and a hefty one. I could have started in my late teens and early 20's to really take care of myself, to eat healthier and to exercise regularly and I'm sure I would have been living in His will for me, at least in that one aspect of my life. I might not have had to go through everything I've gone through. This journey has been tough, and I've learned a lot of valuable lessons, but I am reminded daily of the price I have had to pay for delaying my surrender to Him.
None of this is to say that we don't have to go through suffering sometimes, even if we are living in God's will. We are tested and our faith can be shaken even if we are living in surrender. Take Job for example. Here's a dude that seemingly had everything...a large, close family, lots of animals, possessions, financial success and He was living in surrender to God, a good man in God's eyes. Then he was tested...he lost just about everything almost all at once. Lost his animals, possessions, lost all of his children, lost his health...and basically lost his will to live. One thing he didn't lose was his faith in God and his belief that He was in control. Job suffered incredibly, but continued to praise God even when he just wanted to give up and die. He refused to curse God for his suffering. The result? Job ended up being twice as blessed by God and lived the remainder of his life with much more than he originally had. Sometimes we go through the fire so that God can refine us. I'm reminded here of the following verse:
"This third I will put into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.’” - Zechariah 13:9, New International Version (NIV)
Sometimes going through the fire will refine us and make us better and remind us that God is in control. Sure, it would be nice if we could just remember that all the time and always be faithful, always live in surrender and sacrifice and never have to endure the suffering. But, we are human, and we all fall short. We all only see a "sliver" of our life and circumstances, and it's easy to want what we think is best for us through that lens. But God sees the entire scene, our entire life laid out before His eyes, and He knows the plans He has for us, and He knows where and when we will fail to live in His will, and as Paul reminds us in Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
We must continue to surrender and continue to live in His will. We will surely fail, probably more than we succeed. But thankfully, we have a God who is always right there, who will refine us like silver and bring us who believe into His glory. It's a hard fight, especially in this corrupt, fallen, selfish world we live in...but it's a fight worth fighting.
Lord I just pray that You will continue to open my eyes to Your will for me, that You will continue to ask me to surrender what is necessary for me to surrender so that I may be refined like silver. I know that I'm selfish and that I want what I want when I want it. I'm impatient and it's hard for me to see what's on the other side of suffering through my surrender...but help me to trust in You and to know that You are in control and that Your plans and Your will for me are right and good and will bring me true joy and peace and eternal life because I believe. Catch me when I fall Lord and place me back on the path that leads to You, not away from You. Thank you for patiently waiting for me to follow You and help me learn to respond faster to Your will from this point forward. In Jesus' name, Amen.
According to Merriam-Webster, surrender is:
1 transitive verb
a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand
b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another
2 intransitive verb
a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner
b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)
3 intransitive verb
: to give oneself up into the power of another : yield
"Surrender." Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web 19 Aug. 2013. "http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/surrender."
Spiritually, I believe that this means that we need to yield to God, that we need to believe that He sees the entirety of our life on earth and not just the "sliver" that we see in the present and that He asks us to trust Him enough to surrender our "wants" to His will. For me, this concept is difficult because I've been living life for me, even though I've historically been someone who does things for others, in the grand scheme of my life, I've been pretty darn selfish. I want what I want, when I want it and how I want it. But to surrender to God means doing things I don't want to do but that I feel or know that God wants me to do...and it means to not do things that I want to do that go against His will for me. This all goes back to my "gut" and what I feel God is nudging me to either do or not do, and then to actually follow through with those things in obedience. Definitely not as easy or simple as it sounds. For example, I have a sharp/sarcastic way of dealing with people who frustrate or hurt me (mostly my own family). I really do believe that this is NOT how God wants me to behave. I do believe that He wants me to speak kindness, love, humility and self-sacrifice into every situation and to every person I come into contact with. Easy? Sometimes, especially if it's a stranger at the store or a gathering of friends or people at church...I don't seem to have a hard time speaking kindly and in love to those people. I'm not as emotionally invested in them as I am in my husband, kids, extended family and very closest friendships. That's where I'm tested. And I fail, miserably, far more than I succeed.
Surrender, I believe is to give up and give in to God's will. To empty myself of myself and allow God to fill me up. Allow Him to work through me. This is what I desire. This is what I struggle with. It's sacrifice. And sacrifice hurts. It's something that we have to give up that we really just don't want to give up, whether it's a harsh tone, a wrong relationship, a material possession, people that we love...the list is long. Ultimately, I believe that true surrender will lead to true joy, to true peace, to seeing the glory of God work in our lives as it's meant to. I think we get in the way of ourselves and the plans God has for us quite often. I'm sure I do. I believe that even when we stray from His path, He can still work things for our good, but not without a tremendous amount of pain, hardship, sacrifice, sadness - I think we have to travel a much more difficult road when we aren't obedient to His will by surrendering and sacrificing when and what He asks of us. When we delay our obedience, the cost is far greater than when we follow faster. I have very specific examples of times in my life that I have clearly gone against what God has wanted for me, and because of that, I have had to suffer through some stuff that hasn't been pleasant. Here's one story of many, and I think one that others can relate to, regardless of their spiritual beliefs...
I've always been overweight...pretty much my whole life at least marginally overweight. But there was a period of time in my life where I became "morbidly obese" and I had managed to tip the scale at my doctor's office, only seeing the number "350+" written in my chart. I'm certain that it's not in God's will for me to become so obese. For one thing, I'm created in God's image and if I take care of myself, I'm taking care of Him, of His gift of my life. For another thing, I had too much, while others had not nearly enough, or nothing. In no way do I believe that He thinks it's ok to eat more than I need, over and over again, and to allow myself to get so heavy. God, through His incredible grace, worked this miserable existence I was living in to my good. How? Well, I was able to have LapBand surgery 7 years ago, paid for mostly (90%) by my health insurance plan. 7 years later, through a lot of hard work, exercise, changing my eating habits...I have lost about 140lbs. Because I have lost this weight and gotten healthier, I have been able to go to nursing school, become a nurse, keep up with my kids, I can barely sit still anymore, I'm able to do SO much that I never thought I'd be able to do...my life literally has been changed for the good by having this surgery and losing this weight. The problem? Sagging skin and a body that is falling apart in the aftermath of carrying all of that extra weight around for so long. I have bulging discs in my back, had 2 torn tendons in my feet, an injured shoulder and most recently, surgery to repair a tear in my knee. The sagging skin is incredibly frustrating, as I can't wear clothes I should be able to wear and I have to see and feel all this skin every day, as a constant reminder of what I did to myself. The injuries I've suffered have slowed me down and caused a lot of pain, forced me to shift my course in my nursing career to less physically demanding jobs, and impeded my weight loss journey. All of this to say, that although God did and is working all of this for my good, it's come at a cost, and a hefty one. I could have started in my late teens and early 20's to really take care of myself, to eat healthier and to exercise regularly and I'm sure I would have been living in His will for me, at least in that one aspect of my life. I might not have had to go through everything I've gone through. This journey has been tough, and I've learned a lot of valuable lessons, but I am reminded daily of the price I have had to pay for delaying my surrender to Him.
None of this is to say that we don't have to go through suffering sometimes, even if we are living in God's will. We are tested and our faith can be shaken even if we are living in surrender. Take Job for example. Here's a dude that seemingly had everything...a large, close family, lots of animals, possessions, financial success and He was living in surrender to God, a good man in God's eyes. Then he was tested...he lost just about everything almost all at once. Lost his animals, possessions, lost all of his children, lost his health...and basically lost his will to live. One thing he didn't lose was his faith in God and his belief that He was in control. Job suffered incredibly, but continued to praise God even when he just wanted to give up and die. He refused to curse God for his suffering. The result? Job ended up being twice as blessed by God and lived the remainder of his life with much more than he originally had. Sometimes we go through the fire so that God can refine us. I'm reminded here of the following verse:
"This third I will put into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.’” - Zechariah 13:9, New International Version (NIV)
Sometimes going through the fire will refine us and make us better and remind us that God is in control. Sure, it would be nice if we could just remember that all the time and always be faithful, always live in surrender and sacrifice and never have to endure the suffering. But, we are human, and we all fall short. We all only see a "sliver" of our life and circumstances, and it's easy to want what we think is best for us through that lens. But God sees the entire scene, our entire life laid out before His eyes, and He knows the plans He has for us, and He knows where and when we will fail to live in His will, and as Paul reminds us in Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
We must continue to surrender and continue to live in His will. We will surely fail, probably more than we succeed. But thankfully, we have a God who is always right there, who will refine us like silver and bring us who believe into His glory. It's a hard fight, especially in this corrupt, fallen, selfish world we live in...but it's a fight worth fighting.
Lord I just pray that You will continue to open my eyes to Your will for me, that You will continue to ask me to surrender what is necessary for me to surrender so that I may be refined like silver. I know that I'm selfish and that I want what I want when I want it. I'm impatient and it's hard for me to see what's on the other side of suffering through my surrender...but help me to trust in You and to know that You are in control and that Your plans and Your will for me are right and good and will bring me true joy and peace and eternal life because I believe. Catch me when I fall Lord and place me back on the path that leads to You, not away from You. Thank you for patiently waiting for me to follow You and help me learn to respond faster to Your will from this point forward. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
I might be ready...but are they?
I feel like I've made a breakthrough in my faith journey. I think I feel that I'm ready to let my family know. I wrote them a letter because I've determined through thinking and praying about it ALOT that this is the best way for me and for them to "come out of the closet" so to speak. For one thing, I seem to be able to articulate my thoughts in writing much better than speaking. Often times I have these great thoughts in my head and then when they come out of my mouth...it's like a fumble in a football game. I also tend to get a tad emotional (ok maybe more than a tad) and that tends to get in the way of what I'm trying to say and makes me fumble over my words even more.
So, I have a letter written...and I was thinking about telling my family on my birthday last week because I figured I would only be ruining my own day and not anyone else's. But when I got to my sister's house for the celebration, it just didn't seem or feel right in my gut to do it then. Besides, my best friend pointed out that it might be better to approach them individually rather than in a group setting...I thought that seemed like a better idea. I went home and prayed some more, and I took some advice from my Jewish Jesus believing mentor friend and ordered the book I had mentioned in a previous post "Betrayed!" by Stan Telchin. I am planning on giving this to my mom with my letter...and then emailing the letter to the rest of my immediate family once I know she's had a chance to read it.
I had what I thought was a great opportunity to do this the other day when I asked my sister if I could come over with my youngest son to hang out with her and my nephews in the afternoon. She told me that my mom was there watching the babies in the morning, so I just assumed that since my mom doesn't drive, and I'd be coming over, and since I live closest to my mom, that I would be taking her home when I went home. I was so convinced this was the right time that I texted a whole bunch of my believing friends asking for prayers of strength and courage. Many responded with loving, supportive and encouraging words and scripture verses - and I just felt at peace about it and knew that they were praying for me! I got in my car, grabbed the book and the letter and went on my way. I really felt like I could do this, and figured I'd give it to her when I dropped her off at her apartment and was just trying to work out details in my head about how to do that - but then decided to let God lead. Well, my assumptions were way off. She'd been picked up by a "friend" of hers at my sisters and would be out with him the rest of the day. I guess this wasn't the time either.
So now, I've been thinking, and praying - maybe I feel ready to do this, but maybe God is trying to tell me that THEY are not quite ready to receive this yet. Maybe I need to just really let God lead in this and provide the right opportunity and the right time to give my mom the letter and the book. I have an opportunity coming up in a couple weeks when I'll be picking my mom up from the airport after a visit with my brother and his family. So I'm going to just have the stuff with me to give her and see if God thinks it's the right time or not. As much as I really just want to get this out in the open and be free from the chains that bind me, I also want to be sensitive to them and their readiness. I am sure they'll never truly be ready to receive this and I may never be fully and completely ready to tell them, but if I can trust God, be patient, but also be ready and willing...then I think the right time will come...and I pray sooner rather than later.
God, I am so grateful for Your wisdom, Your timing, and Your patience. I know that if I will let You, You will lead me in this decision of when to tell my family about my faith in Your Son. I want to trust You with this and trust that You will provide the right opportunity at the right time and that You will give me the courage and strength to move when You say move. I have lived my entire life doing things my way, in my time and without consulting You first. This time, I want to do things right. So I ask You to help me be patient, have faith and trust in You. I will really try to be on guard and listen for Your voice, for Your nudging feelings in my gut and that I will follow in obedience. I know that when I do things Your way, it will be good and right...and I understand that doesn't mean it will be good and perfect with my family, but that through the eternal perspective, it will be right. Thanks God for Your promises and Your grace. In Jesus name, Amen.
So, I have a letter written...and I was thinking about telling my family on my birthday last week because I figured I would only be ruining my own day and not anyone else's. But when I got to my sister's house for the celebration, it just didn't seem or feel right in my gut to do it then. Besides, my best friend pointed out that it might be better to approach them individually rather than in a group setting...I thought that seemed like a better idea. I went home and prayed some more, and I took some advice from my Jewish Jesus believing mentor friend and ordered the book I had mentioned in a previous post "Betrayed!" by Stan Telchin. I am planning on giving this to my mom with my letter...and then emailing the letter to the rest of my immediate family once I know she's had a chance to read it.
I had what I thought was a great opportunity to do this the other day when I asked my sister if I could come over with my youngest son to hang out with her and my nephews in the afternoon. She told me that my mom was there watching the babies in the morning, so I just assumed that since my mom doesn't drive, and I'd be coming over, and since I live closest to my mom, that I would be taking her home when I went home. I was so convinced this was the right time that I texted a whole bunch of my believing friends asking for prayers of strength and courage. Many responded with loving, supportive and encouraging words and scripture verses - and I just felt at peace about it and knew that they were praying for me! I got in my car, grabbed the book and the letter and went on my way. I really felt like I could do this, and figured I'd give it to her when I dropped her off at her apartment and was just trying to work out details in my head about how to do that - but then decided to let God lead. Well, my assumptions were way off. She'd been picked up by a "friend" of hers at my sisters and would be out with him the rest of the day. I guess this wasn't the time either.
So now, I've been thinking, and praying - maybe I feel ready to do this, but maybe God is trying to tell me that THEY are not quite ready to receive this yet. Maybe I need to just really let God lead in this and provide the right opportunity and the right time to give my mom the letter and the book. I have an opportunity coming up in a couple weeks when I'll be picking my mom up from the airport after a visit with my brother and his family. So I'm going to just have the stuff with me to give her and see if God thinks it's the right time or not. As much as I really just want to get this out in the open and be free from the chains that bind me, I also want to be sensitive to them and their readiness. I am sure they'll never truly be ready to receive this and I may never be fully and completely ready to tell them, but if I can trust God, be patient, but also be ready and willing...then I think the right time will come...and I pray sooner rather than later.
God, I am so grateful for Your wisdom, Your timing, and Your patience. I know that if I will let You, You will lead me in this decision of when to tell my family about my faith in Your Son. I want to trust You with this and trust that You will provide the right opportunity at the right time and that You will give me the courage and strength to move when You say move. I have lived my entire life doing things my way, in my time and without consulting You first. This time, I want to do things right. So I ask You to help me be patient, have faith and trust in You. I will really try to be on guard and listen for Your voice, for Your nudging feelings in my gut and that I will follow in obedience. I know that when I do things Your way, it will be good and right...and I understand that doesn't mean it will be good and perfect with my family, but that through the eternal perspective, it will be right. Thanks God for Your promises and Your grace. In Jesus name, Amen.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Gut vs. God
People are always saying that they want to do God's will, they want to do what He says, they want to hear from Him. I've heard people say, "this is what God told me to do" or "this is what I heard the Lord say..." or "I felt led by God to do this or to not do that."
All good stuff. I want that too. I want to know what God's will is for me. I want to hear Him, I want to be led by His spirit in all that I do.
Then there's people who say "go with your gut" or "I just knew in my gut this is what I should do" or "I just felt that this was the right thing in my gut." Or, "if I wouldn't have gone with my gut, this [bad thing] would have happened or "if I would have just gone with my gut, I wouldn't have had this [bad thing] happen.
In nursing school, this "gut" thing got brought up alot. I would ponder over test questions or skills labs and would constantly question myself...and I would hear (sometimes from myself and sometimes from others), "just go with your gut" or "why didn't you go with your gut, you would have been right!" OY VEY!
So, is it Gut vs. God or is it that God gives us our "gut" instincts? Could it be that God is trying to lead us through our "gut?" These are the things I have been pondering lately. It's not because I have intenstinal issues, although I sometimes do, but who doesn't? I just wonder if those "natural" instincts that we have that sometimes seriously gnaw at our insides trying to get us to go with that feeling and not turn back...are God trying to tell us what to do and what not to do.
I am pretty sure I've had a "gut" feeling not to sneak out of my friends house with them in the middle of the night (hypothetically speaking, ahem), but I did it anyway. I was fortunate to not have gotten into trouble or have something bad happen to me, but that whole time, I was feeling pretty guilty and not really having fun. Should I have listened to my gut and said "no I'm not going to sneak out, it's not right." Well, I obviously didn't. Many, many times in my life I've had those "gut" feelings and most of the time, have gone against them...out of stubbornness, spite, selfishness, whatever you want to call it. I have ignored my "gut" more than I have followed it's nagging.
Does this mean that I've been ignoring God and trying to lead myself through life? Honestly, I think it has. Here's my thought...I think that if our "gut" tells us something that lines up with God's word, then it's God trying to lead us to the right decision. I think if our "gut" tells us something that goes against God's word, then maybe that's the devil trying to take over. But if I'm being honest, I'd have to say that usually my "gut" IS telling me something that lines up with God's word - it is trying to tell me what is right and what is wrong and I'm mostly ignoring it and doing my own thing. This is how I think I've lived most of my life. Not to say that I haven't gone with my gut on occasion, I actually think I have gone with it more times than I can think of right now but for the most part, not so much. Especially I think I don't go with my gut when it's going to cause me some major discomfort.
I might have hit on something here. If going with my gut means I don't get to do something I really want to do, don't get to be with someone I really want to be with, or have something I really want to have...or if it means I have to step out of my comfort zone in any way, then it's pretty easy to just ignore or go against my gut, which is probably going against God, eh?
So this faith journey I'm on - talk about a MAJOR intenstinal upset. There are not enough Tums or Prilosec on the face of the earth that can settle this problem. No purple pill can prevent the acid that is rolling around in my "gut" trying to pull me in directions that take me WAY out of my comfort zone. Going to church, thinking about baptism, the mere THOUGHT of having to tell my family about my faith. Jesus - this whole thing is going to take a LOT OF GUTS! I'm lacking in this department and this is why I'm constantly wrestling with myself and my gut and my God. I don't have the guts to face what I know my gut, my God is trying to get me to face. I just don't. I want to have the guts, I want to follow my God. When I have "gone with my gut" and gotten up on a Sunday morning and gone to church, even when my guilt is trying to keep me in bed, it's always turned out to be a good thing to go. Every time there's been a unique experience or the right sermon or the right readings or songs or the right person saying the right things at the right times. I KNOW this in my gut, and in my heart, and in my mind. SO why can't I go with my gut in the WHOLE shebang - why can't I just go for it, go for Jesus, go full throttle into this faith and this journey towards reconciliation and salvation? Because I don't have the guts.
God, this is my prayer to you right now, that You will give me the "guts" that I need to face all of this and that You will place into my "gut" the instincts that line up to Your word and that You will give me the strength to step out of my comfort zone and follow those instincts that You've given me, and not to turn back. Whatever that means...and however hard that will be. Because I know in my mind that following You and surrendering to You will be eternally good and right and awesome, and I even think I somehow believe that in my heart...but I'm just having a hard time following my gut, and that's where I need You the most. I pray for Your strength and Your wisdom and Your discernment...and Your courage to pull me through this quicksand I'm sinking in onto Your strong foundation. I pray these things in the name of Jesus Christ, who I believe is the Messiah that was promised to us. God help me to feel free to say that...to anyone and in any circumstance. "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9. Amen.
All good stuff. I want that too. I want to know what God's will is for me. I want to hear Him, I want to be led by His spirit in all that I do.
Then there's people who say "go with your gut" or "I just knew in my gut this is what I should do" or "I just felt that this was the right thing in my gut." Or, "if I wouldn't have gone with my gut, this [bad thing] would have happened or "if I would have just gone with my gut, I wouldn't have had this [bad thing] happen.
In nursing school, this "gut" thing got brought up alot. I would ponder over test questions or skills labs and would constantly question myself...and I would hear (sometimes from myself and sometimes from others), "just go with your gut" or "why didn't you go with your gut, you would have been right!" OY VEY!
So, is it Gut vs. God or is it that God gives us our "gut" instincts? Could it be that God is trying to lead us through our "gut?" These are the things I have been pondering lately. It's not because I have intenstinal issues, although I sometimes do, but who doesn't? I just wonder if those "natural" instincts that we have that sometimes seriously gnaw at our insides trying to get us to go with that feeling and not turn back...are God trying to tell us what to do and what not to do.
I am pretty sure I've had a "gut" feeling not to sneak out of my friends house with them in the middle of the night (hypothetically speaking, ahem), but I did it anyway. I was fortunate to not have gotten into trouble or have something bad happen to me, but that whole time, I was feeling pretty guilty and not really having fun. Should I have listened to my gut and said "no I'm not going to sneak out, it's not right." Well, I obviously didn't. Many, many times in my life I've had those "gut" feelings and most of the time, have gone against them...out of stubbornness, spite, selfishness, whatever you want to call it. I have ignored my "gut" more than I have followed it's nagging.
Does this mean that I've been ignoring God and trying to lead myself through life? Honestly, I think it has. Here's my thought...I think that if our "gut" tells us something that lines up with God's word, then it's God trying to lead us to the right decision. I think if our "gut" tells us something that goes against God's word, then maybe that's the devil trying to take over. But if I'm being honest, I'd have to say that usually my "gut" IS telling me something that lines up with God's word - it is trying to tell me what is right and what is wrong and I'm mostly ignoring it and doing my own thing. This is how I think I've lived most of my life. Not to say that I haven't gone with my gut on occasion, I actually think I have gone with it more times than I can think of right now but for the most part, not so much. Especially I think I don't go with my gut when it's going to cause me some major discomfort.
I might have hit on something here. If going with my gut means I don't get to do something I really want to do, don't get to be with someone I really want to be with, or have something I really want to have...or if it means I have to step out of my comfort zone in any way, then it's pretty easy to just ignore or go against my gut, which is probably going against God, eh?
So this faith journey I'm on - talk about a MAJOR intenstinal upset. There are not enough Tums or Prilosec on the face of the earth that can settle this problem. No purple pill can prevent the acid that is rolling around in my "gut" trying to pull me in directions that take me WAY out of my comfort zone. Going to church, thinking about baptism, the mere THOUGHT of having to tell my family about my faith. Jesus - this whole thing is going to take a LOT OF GUTS! I'm lacking in this department and this is why I'm constantly wrestling with myself and my gut and my God. I don't have the guts to face what I know my gut, my God is trying to get me to face. I just don't. I want to have the guts, I want to follow my God. When I have "gone with my gut" and gotten up on a Sunday morning and gone to church, even when my guilt is trying to keep me in bed, it's always turned out to be a good thing to go. Every time there's been a unique experience or the right sermon or the right readings or songs or the right person saying the right things at the right times. I KNOW this in my gut, and in my heart, and in my mind. SO why can't I go with my gut in the WHOLE shebang - why can't I just go for it, go for Jesus, go full throttle into this faith and this journey towards reconciliation and salvation? Because I don't have the guts.
God, this is my prayer to you right now, that You will give me the "guts" that I need to face all of this and that You will place into my "gut" the instincts that line up to Your word and that You will give me the strength to step out of my comfort zone and follow those instincts that You've given me, and not to turn back. Whatever that means...and however hard that will be. Because I know in my mind that following You and surrendering to You will be eternally good and right and awesome, and I even think I somehow believe that in my heart...but I'm just having a hard time following my gut, and that's where I need You the most. I pray for Your strength and Your wisdom and Your discernment...and Your courage to pull me through this quicksand I'm sinking in onto Your strong foundation. I pray these things in the name of Jesus Christ, who I believe is the Messiah that was promised to us. God help me to feel free to say that...to anyone and in any circumstance. "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9. Amen.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
To be or not to be...Baptized
This past week, I got an email from the Pastor at the church I attend asking if I'd like to be Baptized next month. The church is going to be Baptizing several people at this lake at a nearby park, instead of the traditional "tank" that they use at the church. I think my initial reaction to the email was that of paralysis. I just kind of froze. Then I was thinking about it - the idea of doing this at a lake was really cool to me. But, I thought, am I ready to take the plunge? Well, it so happens that my husband and youngest son will be at Scout camp then...if only I'd known about this sooner, I thought - maybe I could have had them choose a different week to attend camp. I guess if I'm having doubts about doing this so soon, the fact that my husband and one of my sons wouldn't be able to attend gave me an "out." Or maybe it was a sign that it's not my time yet. Shouldn't I feel peace about this decision? And what does it REALLY mean to be Baptized anyway?
So, I did what I do when I have questions, I started reading stuff. I have been reading up on the history of Baptism. I had known from reading the Old Testament that Baptism was actually a Jewish cleansing ritual back in the day of the Levitical law. In Judaism, there is a "mikvah" and here is a little exerpt I found online describing what this is:
In the beginning there was only water. A miraculous compound, it is the primary source and vivifying factor of all sustenance and, by extension, all life as we know it. But Judaism teaches it is more. For these very same attributes -- water as source and sustaining energy -- are mirrored in the spiritual. Water has the power to purify: to restore and replenish life to our essential, spiritual selves.
The mikvah personifies both the womb and the grave; the portals to life and afterlife. In both, the person is stripped of all power and prowess. In both there is a mode of total reliance, complete abdication of control. Immersion in the mikvah can be understood as a symbolic act of self-abnegation, the conscious suspension of the self as an autonomous force. In so doing, the immersing Jew signals a desire to achieve oneness with the source of all life, to return to a primeval unity with G-d. Immersion indicates the abandonment of one form of existence to embrace one infinitely higher. In keeping with this theme, immersion in the mikvah is described not only in terms of purification, revitalization, and rejuvenation but also -- and perhaps primarily -- as rebirth. - http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/1541/jewish/The-Mikvah.htm
I know I'm not an expert, but that sure sounds alot like a Baptism to me. Although there are varying viewpoints of Baptism in the different Christian denominations, I think it's widely held as a "re-birth" or being "born again." From my research:
Water baptism is a way of providing a point in time to which a person can refer to and, in his own mind, remember: He can state with certainty, "That's the day I became a Christian; that's when I was born again. That's the day that I died with Christ; was buried with Him; and was raised to new life with Him. It's the day I became a new creation." - http://myredeemer.org/foundation/baptism/conclusion
I'm just sayin - mikvah...baptism - sounds to me like the same purpose. Dying to self, dying to your old life, and being born again in your new life. Even though baptism is associated with becoming a "Christian" - I think I'm seeing that it's actually a very "Jewish" thing to do. SO am I ready for this? In many ways, I think yes I am and yes I want to do this. Then there's that guilt of how my family and Jewish friends will see this - that whole betrayal and abandonment thing that I've been feeling guilt about. The Pastor attached a four week baptism study for me to do prior to the dunking. I think I'm going to maybe start going through the study and see if I feel if I'm ready for this. I won't be able to do the lake baptism, but maybe the next time it's offered at church, I'll be ready. I think I'm hoping that I'll have some extraordinary encounter with God and that my doubts and fears and guilt of following Jesus will be washed away. I don't know if that will happen or not, but I do know that it will be an outward sign of God's grace in my life, and that it will be done in front of witnesses, and that there will be no turning back for me if I do this...at least that's how I feel about it.
God I really want to acknowledge publicly the transformation that has occurred in my heart and my life since I realized the truth about Jesus. I have been allowing my fears, doubts and guilt to stifle my joy and my acceptance of your grace and mercy. I have let my self-esteem issues make me feel unworthy of your gift of salvation and I have been more concerned about what others think of me than of completely surrending to you and living in your Kingdom right here and right now. I pray that as I go through this Baptism study over the next several weeks, that Your spirit will guide me and answer my question of "to be or not to be...baptized." I pray that I will hear You and acknowledge Your will for me in this incredibly important step in my faith journey. I thank You for Your patience, understanding and love. I am grateful that You would choose to reveal the truth to me and I want to be intentional in how I respond to this truth. I believe, help me with my unbelief. In Jesus name, Amen.
So, I did what I do when I have questions, I started reading stuff. I have been reading up on the history of Baptism. I had known from reading the Old Testament that Baptism was actually a Jewish cleansing ritual back in the day of the Levitical law. In Judaism, there is a "mikvah" and here is a little exerpt I found online describing what this is:
In the beginning there was only water. A miraculous compound, it is the primary source and vivifying factor of all sustenance and, by extension, all life as we know it. But Judaism teaches it is more. For these very same attributes -- water as source and sustaining energy -- are mirrored in the spiritual. Water has the power to purify: to restore and replenish life to our essential, spiritual selves.
The mikvah personifies both the womb and the grave; the portals to life and afterlife. In both, the person is stripped of all power and prowess. In both there is a mode of total reliance, complete abdication of control. Immersion in the mikvah can be understood as a symbolic act of self-abnegation, the conscious suspension of the self as an autonomous force. In so doing, the immersing Jew signals a desire to achieve oneness with the source of all life, to return to a primeval unity with G-d. Immersion indicates the abandonment of one form of existence to embrace one infinitely higher. In keeping with this theme, immersion in the mikvah is described not only in terms of purification, revitalization, and rejuvenation but also -- and perhaps primarily -- as rebirth. - http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/1541/jewish/The-Mikvah.htm
I know I'm not an expert, but that sure sounds alot like a Baptism to me. Although there are varying viewpoints of Baptism in the different Christian denominations, I think it's widely held as a "re-birth" or being "born again." From my research:
Water baptism is a way of providing a point in time to which a person can refer to and, in his own mind, remember: He can state with certainty, "That's the day I became a Christian; that's when I was born again. That's the day that I died with Christ; was buried with Him; and was raised to new life with Him. It's the day I became a new creation." - http://myredeemer.org/foundation/baptism/conclusion
I'm just sayin - mikvah...baptism - sounds to me like the same purpose. Dying to self, dying to your old life, and being born again in your new life. Even though baptism is associated with becoming a "Christian" - I think I'm seeing that it's actually a very "Jewish" thing to do. SO am I ready for this? In many ways, I think yes I am and yes I want to do this. Then there's that guilt of how my family and Jewish friends will see this - that whole betrayal and abandonment thing that I've been feeling guilt about. The Pastor attached a four week baptism study for me to do prior to the dunking. I think I'm going to maybe start going through the study and see if I feel if I'm ready for this. I won't be able to do the lake baptism, but maybe the next time it's offered at church, I'll be ready. I think I'm hoping that I'll have some extraordinary encounter with God and that my doubts and fears and guilt of following Jesus will be washed away. I don't know if that will happen or not, but I do know that it will be an outward sign of God's grace in my life, and that it will be done in front of witnesses, and that there will be no turning back for me if I do this...at least that's how I feel about it.
God I really want to acknowledge publicly the transformation that has occurred in my heart and my life since I realized the truth about Jesus. I have been allowing my fears, doubts and guilt to stifle my joy and my acceptance of your grace and mercy. I have let my self-esteem issues make me feel unworthy of your gift of salvation and I have been more concerned about what others think of me than of completely surrending to you and living in your Kingdom right here and right now. I pray that as I go through this Baptism study over the next several weeks, that Your spirit will guide me and answer my question of "to be or not to be...baptized." I pray that I will hear You and acknowledge Your will for me in this incredibly important step in my faith journey. I thank You for Your patience, understanding and love. I am grateful that You would choose to reveal the truth to me and I want to be intentional in how I respond to this truth. I believe, help me with my unbelief. In Jesus name, Amen.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Tired of fighting...
So...I'm sitting here at work reading...alot of stuff. Some of the Bible, some of testimonies of Jews who have come to believe in Jesus as the Messiah. I have a tight, knotted up back like I get when I'm in this battle with myself over whether to jump in and give myself to Him or whether I should just leave it alone and be "Jewish" so I don't have to face my family. I gotta tell you, I'm tired of fighting with myself. I think I'm at a crossroads. I want to just jump in and get it overwith already...but I'm still letting fear get the best of me. I want to do this. I just don't know where to start...
I've been thinking about Baptism. I think I want to do it - but when? Before or after I tell my family? I'm not sure what difference I think it will make but part of me thinks I should at least tell them before I get dunked, to be fair to them or something. Not that I think they'll be attending my Baptism and not that I even think I could tell them that I'm doing it. But then, why not just get Baptized first and then give it all to them at once?
What about the sinner's prayer? If I say that prayer out loud and mean it, will that change anything? Will that give me the strength and the courage I need to tell my people? I think I've said it once in a Bible study but I'm not sure that I really fully knew what I was doing and honestly, if I'm going to really say it and mean it, I want to really know what I'm doing. Kind of like my Bat Mitzvah. I learned to recite prayers and even a portion of the Torah in Hebrew, but did I really truly know what I was doing and fully appreciate the meaning of it? Um, no. I was 12 years old, I really had no idea of the magnitude of what my Bat Mitzvah meant. So if I do say the sinner's prayer - I think I want to be pretty intentional about it and I want it to mean something. Trying to figure out how/where/when to do that is a struggle in itself.
Basically, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of this internal struggle that's been going on for well over a year now. I want this knotted up feeling in my back to disappear, for good. I want to be free. I hear people tell me to just "give it to Him" and to "trust Him." I wish I really knew how to do that, and I wish I could believe it were as easy as they make it sound. I want to hear from God. That's the topic of the sermon the past 2 weeks at church. I'm going to try to be still and to listen to Him in the midst of my crazy life. I'm about to embark on a 4 day journey moving into my sister's house with my mom, my two boys and my 4 nephews while her and her husband are out of town. I'm not sure I'll get much "still" time there, but after that...I'm on a mission to hear from God and to do what He says and to stop fighting with myself.
God I pray that You will hear the plea's of my heart and that You will help me turn myself (back) to You so that I can hear You. I want to accept Your grace and move forward with my life in You. I can't do this on my own accord, all I end up doing is fighting with myself. I need Your direction, I need Your voice, I need Your help. Please help me to stop, to be still, to end the struggle within me and to follow You regardless of what that means for me. Please show me how to pick up my cross and "die to self." Amen.
I've been thinking about Baptism. I think I want to do it - but when? Before or after I tell my family? I'm not sure what difference I think it will make but part of me thinks I should at least tell them before I get dunked, to be fair to them or something. Not that I think they'll be attending my Baptism and not that I even think I could tell them that I'm doing it. But then, why not just get Baptized first and then give it all to them at once?
What about the sinner's prayer? If I say that prayer out loud and mean it, will that change anything? Will that give me the strength and the courage I need to tell my people? I think I've said it once in a Bible study but I'm not sure that I really fully knew what I was doing and honestly, if I'm going to really say it and mean it, I want to really know what I'm doing. Kind of like my Bat Mitzvah. I learned to recite prayers and even a portion of the Torah in Hebrew, but did I really truly know what I was doing and fully appreciate the meaning of it? Um, no. I was 12 years old, I really had no idea of the magnitude of what my Bat Mitzvah meant. So if I do say the sinner's prayer - I think I want to be pretty intentional about it and I want it to mean something. Trying to figure out how/where/when to do that is a struggle in itself.
Basically, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of this internal struggle that's been going on for well over a year now. I want this knotted up feeling in my back to disappear, for good. I want to be free. I hear people tell me to just "give it to Him" and to "trust Him." I wish I really knew how to do that, and I wish I could believe it were as easy as they make it sound. I want to hear from God. That's the topic of the sermon the past 2 weeks at church. I'm going to try to be still and to listen to Him in the midst of my crazy life. I'm about to embark on a 4 day journey moving into my sister's house with my mom, my two boys and my 4 nephews while her and her husband are out of town. I'm not sure I'll get much "still" time there, but after that...I'm on a mission to hear from God and to do what He says and to stop fighting with myself.
God I pray that You will hear the plea's of my heart and that You will help me turn myself (back) to You so that I can hear You. I want to accept Your grace and move forward with my life in You. I can't do this on my own accord, all I end up doing is fighting with myself. I need Your direction, I need Your voice, I need Your help. Please help me to stop, to be still, to end the struggle within me and to follow You regardless of what that means for me. Please show me how to pick up my cross and "die to self." Amen.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Living in Limbo
So, I still haven't told my family and/or Jewish friends about my faith. I also still haven't FULLY accepted the gift of salvation that Jesus has freely given to all of us. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a swimming pool...and I'll dip my foot in, occasionally sit and put both legs in...but just can't...or won't...jump in. I want to and I know if I do it will be awesome, but I'm holding on, holding out. Why? I've been searching my heart for the answer this week. I'm not sure I have "the" answer but I have some ideas...
I read an amazing book called "Betrayed!" by Stan Telchin...this is the overview on the Barnes and Noble website:
"How can you be Jewish and believe in Jesus?"
The Telchins were a happy, close-knit Jewish family until the day their daughter called from college with a shocking revelation: She had become a Christian. Judy's decision prompted her father to set out to disprove the Messiahship of Jesus in order to win her back. To do so, he had to study the Bible for the first time in his life.
In the face of increasingly convincing proofs that Jesus is who He claimed to be, Stan Telchin found himself confronting thousands of years' worth of misunderstanding, hurt and prejudice from both sides. The key question that surfaced was this: How can a Jewish person embrace Jesus and Christianity without turning his back on his own people?
More than thirty years after coming to know Jesus as Messiah, Stan Telchin reflects a passion to celebrate the heritage and culture of the Jewish people while seeking to unite Jews and Gentiles under the love of Messiah Jesus.
So, I think this is one of the reasons that I'm standing on the edge. I don't want to turn my back on my family, on my fellow Jews...on MY Judaism. I'm proud of my heritage, proud to be Jewish. At the same time, I find myself upset with my people for turning their backs on Jesus. He was even rejected by His own family - at least until His Resurrection where they finally saw that He was who He said He was. But alive on earth He felt the rejection of many - I can only imagine how hard that must have been. But, of course, He followed God the Father - He stayed faithful to God and didn't let the rejection get to Him, change His obedience or direction. He jumped in the pool and never looked back, never doubted, never wavered. In "Betrayed!" - the Telchin family also faced a lot of rejection from family and friends and strangers once it was "out" that they believed in Jesus as the Messiah. Like Stan Telchin, I started my journey by researching and looking into why the Jews rejected Jesus...and was out to prove that it couldn't be true. Like Stan Telchin, my mission backfired. He fought it, I fight it. But, the Telchin's followed God, they jumped in the pool and never looked back - at least if they did, they turned right back around and kept moving forward.
There's not a doubt in my mind that I WANT to do the same thing. I want to follow God, I want to praise and worship Jesus as MY Messiah...loud and proud. But I don't want to lose anyone in the process. I love my family - I have 5 amazing nephews and a niece that I adore. I can't fathom the thought of not being involved in their lives because their parents, my siblings, think I'm crazy and I've turned my back on them. It tears me up inside. I have cousins and aunts and uncles and friends that I love and my mom - I can't bear the thought of disappointing her. I know that following God comes at a cost...and it could be a HUGE cost. I know that I need to focus on the eternal, not the temporal perspective. I know that it's not about ME, it's about HIM. I know that my reward in Heaven is great - He tells me so. I know that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I KNOW that the New Testament is the TRUTH, it's the rest of the story. It was prophesied long before Jesus ever walked the face of the earth. There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus IS the Messiah that the Jews are still waiting for. But my heart...is broken in a hundred pieces over the thought of losing the people I love.
I went to a Sunday school class after church the other day and there was one question that the leader asked that led me to break my awkward silence and speak up. The question was whether or not there's a difference between "conversion" and "salvation." I said that I think there is a difference. I said that I'm Jewish, and that I'd like to think that I don't have to "convert" to Christianity to have salvation. The words just blurted forth like they had been pent up in a jar for years. The more I've thought about what I said, the more I've realized that this is part of my hang up. I don't want to lose my Jewish identity, just as much as I don't want to lose my family. It seems so silly to think that I have to give up being a Jew when Jesus was born a Jew, came for the Jews, died a Jew, all the New Testament writers except for Luke were Jews, and the first people to accept and follow Jesus as the Messiah were Jews!!! The Christians, the gentiles, they were grafted in - and I fully believe that Jesus came for them too and in no way, shape or form do I feel inferior to Gentile believers. I feel that the body of Christ is anyone, Jew, Gentile, Muslim, black, white, or anyone else anywhere in the world who believes and follows Jesus as their Messiah.
I'm a Jewish believer in Jesus as the Messiah. I want to fully accept the gift that He has given the world, for me, personally, as much as for anyone else. I don't want to let fear of what other people will think of me keep me from experiencing fully the love, grace and mercy that He offers. I want to give my fears and anxieties and hang ups to God, who wants to take it from me as much as I want to give it to Him. Right now I'm still stuck in limbo because as much as I want to do these things, I continue to let fear keep me on the edge of the pool, afraid to jump in all the way.
God I pray that You will show me the way from limbo to love, from fear to faith, from heartbreak to true joy. I feel that I'm just right there on the edge, wanting to give my life to You and for You. Thank You God for being patient with me, for loving me right where I am and for showing me through your Word, through books I read, and through my relationships with other believers that You are the ONE true God who is worth the cost. I pray that you will soften the hearts of my family and friends so they will not reject me for my beliefs...but more than that I pray that You will strengthen my heart to withstand it if and when it comes. In Jesus' holy name I pray. Amen.
I read an amazing book called "Betrayed!" by Stan Telchin...this is the overview on the Barnes and Noble website:
"How can you be Jewish and believe in Jesus?"
The Telchins were a happy, close-knit Jewish family until the day their daughter called from college with a shocking revelation: She had become a Christian. Judy's decision prompted her father to set out to disprove the Messiahship of Jesus in order to win her back. To do so, he had to study the Bible for the first time in his life.
In the face of increasingly convincing proofs that Jesus is who He claimed to be, Stan Telchin found himself confronting thousands of years' worth of misunderstanding, hurt and prejudice from both sides. The key question that surfaced was this: How can a Jewish person embrace Jesus and Christianity without turning his back on his own people?
More than thirty years after coming to know Jesus as Messiah, Stan Telchin reflects a passion to celebrate the heritage and culture of the Jewish people while seeking to unite Jews and Gentiles under the love of Messiah Jesus.
So, I think this is one of the reasons that I'm standing on the edge. I don't want to turn my back on my family, on my fellow Jews...on MY Judaism. I'm proud of my heritage, proud to be Jewish. At the same time, I find myself upset with my people for turning their backs on Jesus. He was even rejected by His own family - at least until His Resurrection where they finally saw that He was who He said He was. But alive on earth He felt the rejection of many - I can only imagine how hard that must have been. But, of course, He followed God the Father - He stayed faithful to God and didn't let the rejection get to Him, change His obedience or direction. He jumped in the pool and never looked back, never doubted, never wavered. In "Betrayed!" - the Telchin family also faced a lot of rejection from family and friends and strangers once it was "out" that they believed in Jesus as the Messiah. Like Stan Telchin, I started my journey by researching and looking into why the Jews rejected Jesus...and was out to prove that it couldn't be true. Like Stan Telchin, my mission backfired. He fought it, I fight it. But, the Telchin's followed God, they jumped in the pool and never looked back - at least if they did, they turned right back around and kept moving forward.
There's not a doubt in my mind that I WANT to do the same thing. I want to follow God, I want to praise and worship Jesus as MY Messiah...loud and proud. But I don't want to lose anyone in the process. I love my family - I have 5 amazing nephews and a niece that I adore. I can't fathom the thought of not being involved in their lives because their parents, my siblings, think I'm crazy and I've turned my back on them. It tears me up inside. I have cousins and aunts and uncles and friends that I love and my mom - I can't bear the thought of disappointing her. I know that following God comes at a cost...and it could be a HUGE cost. I know that I need to focus on the eternal, not the temporal perspective. I know that it's not about ME, it's about HIM. I know that my reward in Heaven is great - He tells me so. I know that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I KNOW that the New Testament is the TRUTH, it's the rest of the story. It was prophesied long before Jesus ever walked the face of the earth. There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus IS the Messiah that the Jews are still waiting for. But my heart...is broken in a hundred pieces over the thought of losing the people I love.
I went to a Sunday school class after church the other day and there was one question that the leader asked that led me to break my awkward silence and speak up. The question was whether or not there's a difference between "conversion" and "salvation." I said that I think there is a difference. I said that I'm Jewish, and that I'd like to think that I don't have to "convert" to Christianity to have salvation. The words just blurted forth like they had been pent up in a jar for years. The more I've thought about what I said, the more I've realized that this is part of my hang up. I don't want to lose my Jewish identity, just as much as I don't want to lose my family. It seems so silly to think that I have to give up being a Jew when Jesus was born a Jew, came for the Jews, died a Jew, all the New Testament writers except for Luke were Jews, and the first people to accept and follow Jesus as the Messiah were Jews!!! The Christians, the gentiles, they were grafted in - and I fully believe that Jesus came for them too and in no way, shape or form do I feel inferior to Gentile believers. I feel that the body of Christ is anyone, Jew, Gentile, Muslim, black, white, or anyone else anywhere in the world who believes and follows Jesus as their Messiah.
I'm a Jewish believer in Jesus as the Messiah. I want to fully accept the gift that He has given the world, for me, personally, as much as for anyone else. I don't want to let fear of what other people will think of me keep me from experiencing fully the love, grace and mercy that He offers. I want to give my fears and anxieties and hang ups to God, who wants to take it from me as much as I want to give it to Him. Right now I'm still stuck in limbo because as much as I want to do these things, I continue to let fear keep me on the edge of the pool, afraid to jump in all the way.
God I pray that You will show me the way from limbo to love, from fear to faith, from heartbreak to true joy. I feel that I'm just right there on the edge, wanting to give my life to You and for You. Thank You God for being patient with me, for loving me right where I am and for showing me through your Word, through books I read, and through my relationships with other believers that You are the ONE true God who is worth the cost. I pray that you will soften the hearts of my family and friends so they will not reject me for my beliefs...but more than that I pray that You will strengthen my heart to withstand it if and when it comes. In Jesus' holy name I pray. Amen.
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