So...I'm sitting here at work reading...alot of stuff. Some of the Bible, some of testimonies of Jews who have come to believe in Jesus as the Messiah. I have a tight, knotted up back like I get when I'm in this battle with myself over whether to jump in and give myself to Him or whether I should just leave it alone and be "Jewish" so I don't have to face my family. I gotta tell you, I'm tired of fighting with myself. I think I'm at a crossroads. I want to just jump in and get it overwith already...but I'm still letting fear get the best of me. I want to do this. I just don't know where to start...
I've been thinking about Baptism. I think I want to do it - but when? Before or after I tell my family? I'm not sure what difference I think it will make but part of me thinks I should at least tell them before I get dunked, to be fair to them or something. Not that I think they'll be attending my Baptism and not that I even think I could tell them that I'm doing it. But then, why not just get Baptized first and then give it all to them at once?
What about the sinner's prayer? If I say that prayer out loud and mean it, will that change anything? Will that give me the strength and the courage I need to tell my people? I think I've said it once in a Bible study but I'm not sure that I really fully knew what I was doing and honestly, if I'm going to really say it and mean it, I want to really know what I'm doing. Kind of like my Bat Mitzvah. I learned to recite prayers and even a portion of the Torah in Hebrew, but did I really truly know what I was doing and fully appreciate the meaning of it? Um, no. I was 12 years old, I really had no idea of the magnitude of what my Bat Mitzvah meant. So if I do say the sinner's prayer - I think I want to be pretty intentional about it and I want it to mean something. Trying to figure out how/where/when to do that is a struggle in itself.
Basically, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of this internal struggle that's been going on for well over a year now. I want this knotted up feeling in my back to disappear, for good. I want to be free. I hear people tell me to just "give it to Him" and to "trust Him." I wish I really knew how to do that, and I wish I could believe it were as easy as they make it sound. I want to hear from God. That's the topic of the sermon the past 2 weeks at church. I'm going to try to be still and to listen to Him in the midst of my crazy life. I'm about to embark on a 4 day journey moving into my sister's house with my mom, my two boys and my 4 nephews while her and her husband are out of town. I'm not sure I'll get much "still" time there, but after that...I'm on a mission to hear from God and to do what He says and to stop fighting with myself.
God I pray that You will hear the plea's of my heart and that You will help me turn myself (back) to You so that I can hear You. I want to accept Your grace and move forward with my life in You. I can't do this on my own accord, all I end up doing is fighting with myself. I need Your direction, I need Your voice, I need Your help. Please help me to stop, to be still, to end the struggle within me and to follow You regardless of what that means for me. Please show me how to pick up my cross and "die to self." Amen.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Living in Limbo
So, I still haven't told my family and/or Jewish friends about my faith. I also still haven't FULLY accepted the gift of salvation that Jesus has freely given to all of us. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a swimming pool...and I'll dip my foot in, occasionally sit and put both legs in...but just can't...or won't...jump in. I want to and I know if I do it will be awesome, but I'm holding on, holding out. Why? I've been searching my heart for the answer this week. I'm not sure I have "the" answer but I have some ideas...
I read an amazing book called "Betrayed!" by Stan Telchin...this is the overview on the Barnes and Noble website:
"How can you be Jewish and believe in Jesus?"
The Telchins were a happy, close-knit Jewish family until the day their daughter called from college with a shocking revelation: She had become a Christian. Judy's decision prompted her father to set out to disprove the Messiahship of Jesus in order to win her back. To do so, he had to study the Bible for the first time in his life.
In the face of increasingly convincing proofs that Jesus is who He claimed to be, Stan Telchin found himself confronting thousands of years' worth of misunderstanding, hurt and prejudice from both sides. The key question that surfaced was this: How can a Jewish person embrace Jesus and Christianity without turning his back on his own people?
More than thirty years after coming to know Jesus as Messiah, Stan Telchin reflects a passion to celebrate the heritage and culture of the Jewish people while seeking to unite Jews and Gentiles under the love of Messiah Jesus.
So, I think this is one of the reasons that I'm standing on the edge. I don't want to turn my back on my family, on my fellow Jews...on MY Judaism. I'm proud of my heritage, proud to be Jewish. At the same time, I find myself upset with my people for turning their backs on Jesus. He was even rejected by His own family - at least until His Resurrection where they finally saw that He was who He said He was. But alive on earth He felt the rejection of many - I can only imagine how hard that must have been. But, of course, He followed God the Father - He stayed faithful to God and didn't let the rejection get to Him, change His obedience or direction. He jumped in the pool and never looked back, never doubted, never wavered. In "Betrayed!" - the Telchin family also faced a lot of rejection from family and friends and strangers once it was "out" that they believed in Jesus as the Messiah. Like Stan Telchin, I started my journey by researching and looking into why the Jews rejected Jesus...and was out to prove that it couldn't be true. Like Stan Telchin, my mission backfired. He fought it, I fight it. But, the Telchin's followed God, they jumped in the pool and never looked back - at least if they did, they turned right back around and kept moving forward.
There's not a doubt in my mind that I WANT to do the same thing. I want to follow God, I want to praise and worship Jesus as MY Messiah...loud and proud. But I don't want to lose anyone in the process. I love my family - I have 5 amazing nephews and a niece that I adore. I can't fathom the thought of not being involved in their lives because their parents, my siblings, think I'm crazy and I've turned my back on them. It tears me up inside. I have cousins and aunts and uncles and friends that I love and my mom - I can't bear the thought of disappointing her. I know that following God comes at a cost...and it could be a HUGE cost. I know that I need to focus on the eternal, not the temporal perspective. I know that it's not about ME, it's about HIM. I know that my reward in Heaven is great - He tells me so. I know that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I KNOW that the New Testament is the TRUTH, it's the rest of the story. It was prophesied long before Jesus ever walked the face of the earth. There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus IS the Messiah that the Jews are still waiting for. But my heart...is broken in a hundred pieces over the thought of losing the people I love.
I went to a Sunday school class after church the other day and there was one question that the leader asked that led me to break my awkward silence and speak up. The question was whether or not there's a difference between "conversion" and "salvation." I said that I think there is a difference. I said that I'm Jewish, and that I'd like to think that I don't have to "convert" to Christianity to have salvation. The words just blurted forth like they had been pent up in a jar for years. The more I've thought about what I said, the more I've realized that this is part of my hang up. I don't want to lose my Jewish identity, just as much as I don't want to lose my family. It seems so silly to think that I have to give up being a Jew when Jesus was born a Jew, came for the Jews, died a Jew, all the New Testament writers except for Luke were Jews, and the first people to accept and follow Jesus as the Messiah were Jews!!! The Christians, the gentiles, they were grafted in - and I fully believe that Jesus came for them too and in no way, shape or form do I feel inferior to Gentile believers. I feel that the body of Christ is anyone, Jew, Gentile, Muslim, black, white, or anyone else anywhere in the world who believes and follows Jesus as their Messiah.
I'm a Jewish believer in Jesus as the Messiah. I want to fully accept the gift that He has given the world, for me, personally, as much as for anyone else. I don't want to let fear of what other people will think of me keep me from experiencing fully the love, grace and mercy that He offers. I want to give my fears and anxieties and hang ups to God, who wants to take it from me as much as I want to give it to Him. Right now I'm still stuck in limbo because as much as I want to do these things, I continue to let fear keep me on the edge of the pool, afraid to jump in all the way.
God I pray that You will show me the way from limbo to love, from fear to faith, from heartbreak to true joy. I feel that I'm just right there on the edge, wanting to give my life to You and for You. Thank You God for being patient with me, for loving me right where I am and for showing me through your Word, through books I read, and through my relationships with other believers that You are the ONE true God who is worth the cost. I pray that you will soften the hearts of my family and friends so they will not reject me for my beliefs...but more than that I pray that You will strengthen my heart to withstand it if and when it comes. In Jesus' holy name I pray. Amen.
I read an amazing book called "Betrayed!" by Stan Telchin...this is the overview on the Barnes and Noble website:
"How can you be Jewish and believe in Jesus?"
The Telchins were a happy, close-knit Jewish family until the day their daughter called from college with a shocking revelation: She had become a Christian. Judy's decision prompted her father to set out to disprove the Messiahship of Jesus in order to win her back. To do so, he had to study the Bible for the first time in his life.
In the face of increasingly convincing proofs that Jesus is who He claimed to be, Stan Telchin found himself confronting thousands of years' worth of misunderstanding, hurt and prejudice from both sides. The key question that surfaced was this: How can a Jewish person embrace Jesus and Christianity without turning his back on his own people?
More than thirty years after coming to know Jesus as Messiah, Stan Telchin reflects a passion to celebrate the heritage and culture of the Jewish people while seeking to unite Jews and Gentiles under the love of Messiah Jesus.
So, I think this is one of the reasons that I'm standing on the edge. I don't want to turn my back on my family, on my fellow Jews...on MY Judaism. I'm proud of my heritage, proud to be Jewish. At the same time, I find myself upset with my people for turning their backs on Jesus. He was even rejected by His own family - at least until His Resurrection where they finally saw that He was who He said He was. But alive on earth He felt the rejection of many - I can only imagine how hard that must have been. But, of course, He followed God the Father - He stayed faithful to God and didn't let the rejection get to Him, change His obedience or direction. He jumped in the pool and never looked back, never doubted, never wavered. In "Betrayed!" - the Telchin family also faced a lot of rejection from family and friends and strangers once it was "out" that they believed in Jesus as the Messiah. Like Stan Telchin, I started my journey by researching and looking into why the Jews rejected Jesus...and was out to prove that it couldn't be true. Like Stan Telchin, my mission backfired. He fought it, I fight it. But, the Telchin's followed God, they jumped in the pool and never looked back - at least if they did, they turned right back around and kept moving forward.
There's not a doubt in my mind that I WANT to do the same thing. I want to follow God, I want to praise and worship Jesus as MY Messiah...loud and proud. But I don't want to lose anyone in the process. I love my family - I have 5 amazing nephews and a niece that I adore. I can't fathom the thought of not being involved in their lives because their parents, my siblings, think I'm crazy and I've turned my back on them. It tears me up inside. I have cousins and aunts and uncles and friends that I love and my mom - I can't bear the thought of disappointing her. I know that following God comes at a cost...and it could be a HUGE cost. I know that I need to focus on the eternal, not the temporal perspective. I know that it's not about ME, it's about HIM. I know that my reward in Heaven is great - He tells me so. I know that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I KNOW that the New Testament is the TRUTH, it's the rest of the story. It was prophesied long before Jesus ever walked the face of the earth. There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus IS the Messiah that the Jews are still waiting for. But my heart...is broken in a hundred pieces over the thought of losing the people I love.
I went to a Sunday school class after church the other day and there was one question that the leader asked that led me to break my awkward silence and speak up. The question was whether or not there's a difference between "conversion" and "salvation." I said that I think there is a difference. I said that I'm Jewish, and that I'd like to think that I don't have to "convert" to Christianity to have salvation. The words just blurted forth like they had been pent up in a jar for years. The more I've thought about what I said, the more I've realized that this is part of my hang up. I don't want to lose my Jewish identity, just as much as I don't want to lose my family. It seems so silly to think that I have to give up being a Jew when Jesus was born a Jew, came for the Jews, died a Jew, all the New Testament writers except for Luke were Jews, and the first people to accept and follow Jesus as the Messiah were Jews!!! The Christians, the gentiles, they were grafted in - and I fully believe that Jesus came for them too and in no way, shape or form do I feel inferior to Gentile believers. I feel that the body of Christ is anyone, Jew, Gentile, Muslim, black, white, or anyone else anywhere in the world who believes and follows Jesus as their Messiah.
I'm a Jewish believer in Jesus as the Messiah. I want to fully accept the gift that He has given the world, for me, personally, as much as for anyone else. I don't want to let fear of what other people will think of me keep me from experiencing fully the love, grace and mercy that He offers. I want to give my fears and anxieties and hang ups to God, who wants to take it from me as much as I want to give it to Him. Right now I'm still stuck in limbo because as much as I want to do these things, I continue to let fear keep me on the edge of the pool, afraid to jump in all the way.
God I pray that You will show me the way from limbo to love, from fear to faith, from heartbreak to true joy. I feel that I'm just right there on the edge, wanting to give my life to You and for You. Thank You God for being patient with me, for loving me right where I am and for showing me through your Word, through books I read, and through my relationships with other believers that You are the ONE true God who is worth the cost. I pray that you will soften the hearts of my family and friends so they will not reject me for my beliefs...but more than that I pray that You will strengthen my heart to withstand it if and when it comes. In Jesus' holy name I pray. Amen.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Romans, Remnants and a new Revelation for Rachel!
A few weeks ago, at my bible study, we all were telling each other how the others could pray for us in the coming week. I asked for something that I've been praying for now for months, that I could meet another Jewish believer who would truly understand what I'm going through in my faith journey and my "rub" over telling my family and Jewish friends about it. WOW is God faithfull in amazing ways! Here's what happened...
One of the girls in my study was at another bible study at her Church the following week, and the speaker was (are you sitting down?) a JEWISH woman who is a believer! She went up to this woman after the study, told her about me, and before she could complete her sentence, the woman was writing down her contact information for my friend to give me!!!! We exchanged emails, and I met with her the other day! Turns out we have very similar backgrounds, raised in Conservative Jewish synagogues, having Bat Mitzvah's, marrying non-Jewish men. Much of what she told me about her life so resonated with me, down to the way we perceived the Syngagogue experience, prayer, etc. She's been on her journey for about 15 years and she has told her family. It hasn't been pretty, but sounds about like I think it will be with my family...no one disowning her, but definite disappointment and very superficial relationships with them...and lots of tension. It's sad, for sure...but she totally gets it, understands fully what I'm going through and what I'm facing. But wait, there's more!
This amazing woman actually has been called by God to teach and enlighten the Gentile church about God's call on Israel and the Jewish people. She's not just a Jewish believer, she's a teacher trying to show the connections between Jew and Gentile and how we're ALL part of God's plan. She told me about Romans Chapters 9-11, which I know I've read at least 3 times now, but clearly didn't understand what I was reading! After she explained it to me, I went back and read it again, and OH MY GOODNESS! WOW. I know I will absolutely not do this justice and I apologize if I'm misunderstanding or misinterpreting what she was telling me and what I'm reading of Paul's letter to the Romans, but I'm going to try because it's so incredibly important to my journey...and to the journey of ALL believers, whether Jew or Gentile. I've always thought that it was the Jews that turned their backs on God in disobedience and the reason they don't see or understand the truth I've come to know was because they were blind to it...and that is true, but they are blind to it because they have been blinded to it by God (and yes, because of their disobedience)..."A partial hardening has happened to Israel until the full number of the Gentiles has come in..." (Romans 11:25, NET). It's all part of His plan. I urge you to read these chapters of Romans and see for yourself the plan that God has for us all. Meanwhile, there's even more for me...
"And Isaiah cries out on behalf of Israel, 'Though the number of the children of Israel are as the sand of the sea, only the remnant will be saved' (Romans 9:27). I'm a remnant. I've been saved by grace. The Jewish people will not see and know the truth until the time that God chooses to reveal it to them, until the full number of the Gentiles has come to believe. But along the way, God will choose to reveal His truth to some of the Jewish people. I think He knows which ones will have the heart and the open-mind to receive this truth, and I think He knew that I would be one of those people. I don't know why me and maybe I'll never really know...but that is my new focus. To figure out why He revealed His truth to me, and to figure out what His will is for me, however long that takes.
Well, I have to tell you...I left my new friend the other day feeling pretty overwhelmed and scared. I felt I think like Jonah when God asked him to go to Nineveh...I wanted to just run away and hide in Tarshish, or maybe Tahiti or somewhere, anywhere but where I might be headed. This is going to be a rough road, it has been already. But...running away isn't going to get me anywhere, and certainly won't get me where God wants me to be. I don't want to disobey God. I want to follow Him, I want to know His plan for me. And with His help, I want to live out my life according to His plan and purpose for me. He promises me in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has plans to prosper me, not to harm me...to give me a future filled with hope (NET).
So, this is my revelation...that I'm a remnant. I don't belong because I'm not supposed to belong. That the Jews and the Gentiles WILL see a time of harmony, true harmony and where we will ALL see God, see His truth and have the eternal life He promised us all. It started with the Jews, it will end with the Jews, but only after the full number of Gentiles have come in. God's promise is being fulfilled, right now, and I'm a part of that as a Jewish believer. And you are a part of that, as a Jew, as a Gentile, as a non-believer. We are ALL part of God's plan, we're all His children. Look, listen, and follow the path He has laid out for you. Believe. Hope. Have faith. I think I'm starting to have all these things. It's a process and some days are easier than others. This is my journey. Come along with me for the ride!!
Thank you God for answering my prayer in such a powerful, personal way this week. You are so faithful and I am so humbled that You would choose to reveal Your truth to me. I pray that You will give me the eyes to see, the mind to know and the heart to understand what your plan is for me and that You will give me the courage and the strength and the wisdom to follow the path You lay before me. In Jesus' name. Amen.
One of the girls in my study was at another bible study at her Church the following week, and the speaker was (are you sitting down?) a JEWISH woman who is a believer! She went up to this woman after the study, told her about me, and before she could complete her sentence, the woman was writing down her contact information for my friend to give me!!!! We exchanged emails, and I met with her the other day! Turns out we have very similar backgrounds, raised in Conservative Jewish synagogues, having Bat Mitzvah's, marrying non-Jewish men. Much of what she told me about her life so resonated with me, down to the way we perceived the Syngagogue experience, prayer, etc. She's been on her journey for about 15 years and she has told her family. It hasn't been pretty, but sounds about like I think it will be with my family...no one disowning her, but definite disappointment and very superficial relationships with them...and lots of tension. It's sad, for sure...but she totally gets it, understands fully what I'm going through and what I'm facing. But wait, there's more!
This amazing woman actually has been called by God to teach and enlighten the Gentile church about God's call on Israel and the Jewish people. She's not just a Jewish believer, she's a teacher trying to show the connections between Jew and Gentile and how we're ALL part of God's plan. She told me about Romans Chapters 9-11, which I know I've read at least 3 times now, but clearly didn't understand what I was reading! After she explained it to me, I went back and read it again, and OH MY GOODNESS! WOW. I know I will absolutely not do this justice and I apologize if I'm misunderstanding or misinterpreting what she was telling me and what I'm reading of Paul's letter to the Romans, but I'm going to try because it's so incredibly important to my journey...and to the journey of ALL believers, whether Jew or Gentile. I've always thought that it was the Jews that turned their backs on God in disobedience and the reason they don't see or understand the truth I've come to know was because they were blind to it...and that is true, but they are blind to it because they have been blinded to it by God (and yes, because of their disobedience)..."A partial hardening has happened to Israel until the full number of the Gentiles has come in..." (Romans 11:25, NET). It's all part of His plan. I urge you to read these chapters of Romans and see for yourself the plan that God has for us all. Meanwhile, there's even more for me...
"And Isaiah cries out on behalf of Israel, 'Though the number of the children of Israel are as the sand of the sea, only the remnant will be saved' (Romans 9:27). I'm a remnant. I've been saved by grace. The Jewish people will not see and know the truth until the time that God chooses to reveal it to them, until the full number of the Gentiles has come to believe. But along the way, God will choose to reveal His truth to some of the Jewish people. I think He knows which ones will have the heart and the open-mind to receive this truth, and I think He knew that I would be one of those people. I don't know why me and maybe I'll never really know...but that is my new focus. To figure out why He revealed His truth to me, and to figure out what His will is for me, however long that takes.
Well, I have to tell you...I left my new friend the other day feeling pretty overwhelmed and scared. I felt I think like Jonah when God asked him to go to Nineveh...I wanted to just run away and hide in Tarshish, or maybe Tahiti or somewhere, anywhere but where I might be headed. This is going to be a rough road, it has been already. But...running away isn't going to get me anywhere, and certainly won't get me where God wants me to be. I don't want to disobey God. I want to follow Him, I want to know His plan for me. And with His help, I want to live out my life according to His plan and purpose for me. He promises me in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has plans to prosper me, not to harm me...to give me a future filled with hope (NET).
So, this is my revelation...that I'm a remnant. I don't belong because I'm not supposed to belong. That the Jews and the Gentiles WILL see a time of harmony, true harmony and where we will ALL see God, see His truth and have the eternal life He promised us all. It started with the Jews, it will end with the Jews, but only after the full number of Gentiles have come in. God's promise is being fulfilled, right now, and I'm a part of that as a Jewish believer. And you are a part of that, as a Jew, as a Gentile, as a non-believer. We are ALL part of God's plan, we're all His children. Look, listen, and follow the path He has laid out for you. Believe. Hope. Have faith. I think I'm starting to have all these things. It's a process and some days are easier than others. This is my journey. Come along with me for the ride!!
Thank you God for answering my prayer in such a powerful, personal way this week. You are so faithful and I am so humbled that You would choose to reveal Your truth to me. I pray that You will give me the eyes to see, the mind to know and the heart to understand what your plan is for me and that You will give me the courage and the strength and the wisdom to follow the path You lay before me. In Jesus' name. Amen.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Heartbroken...
I've been reading stuff (big surprise) this week. I finished reading "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis - GREAT book by the way! But I also started searching around online for stuff. I just have so much that I want to know and understand...so sometimes I'll search my Bible app for a particular "keyword" and then I'll start reading something, and then I'll have questions, so I'll go online searching for answers, explanations, etc. Sometimes I find good stuff, sometimes I find stuff that starts my mind down the path of doubt. This week brought a little of both.
Here's what this week also brought...alot of heartache over something that really has been bothering me, upsetting me, frustrating me...for a while. It's the whole separation of Judaism and Christianity. The history - there's so much history - of persecution, animocity...that has dragged both Judaism and Christianity through the mud so to speak. We're not really supposed to be these two separate religions! I'm having a really really hard time with this because if it had worked out as it was supposed to have worked out - then there'd be no problem with telling my family I believe in Jesus and the New Testament, cus they would too! We would ALL be celebrating and cherishing the same stuff!!! I found a website that had a lot of really good stuff about this issue and I wanted to share it with whoever out there might be reading my blog. I hope you'll take some time to read this! Would love to read your comments/feedback.
http://www.hebrew4christians.com/Articles/Christendom/christendom.html
As a side note, I think a big reason for why this separation is so heartbreaking for me is that I really don't know where I belong. I mean, I know I belong to God - and my Bible study group makes me feel like I "belong" to/with them, but I am struggling with where I belong as far as in my communal religious life. I have been going to church for quite some time, and I really do like it and I feel...I guess fairly comfortable there, but not completely...I feel like it's missing it's Hebrew/Jewish roots. I mean I know that "the church" is primarily made up of gentile believers who weren't Jewish to begin with, but they were supposed to be "grafted in" to the Jewish faith, not set apart from it. I go to synagogue sometimes and have that "familiar" feeling and comfort because that's how/where I grew up, but I don't feel completely comfortable there either...because there they ONLY live in the Old Testament and don't see, understand or believe in the New Testament and in Jesus as the Messiah. I know there are "messianic" temples - which are mostly Jews who have come to believe in Jesus and the New Testament...and to be fair, I haven't actually gone to a service there - but I'm not really sure that would be my answer either. I want Jews and Christians to come together, truly come together, as we were meant to be. The Christians have much to learn and gain from the Jews and the Jews have much to learn and gain from the Christians. This is what I want, and probably will never see in my lifetime. In the meantime, I hope, I pray, and I am heartbroken.
Here's what this week also brought...alot of heartache over something that really has been bothering me, upsetting me, frustrating me...for a while. It's the whole separation of Judaism and Christianity. The history - there's so much history - of persecution, animocity...that has dragged both Judaism and Christianity through the mud so to speak. We're not really supposed to be these two separate religions! I'm having a really really hard time with this because if it had worked out as it was supposed to have worked out - then there'd be no problem with telling my family I believe in Jesus and the New Testament, cus they would too! We would ALL be celebrating and cherishing the same stuff!!! I found a website that had a lot of really good stuff about this issue and I wanted to share it with whoever out there might be reading my blog. I hope you'll take some time to read this! Would love to read your comments/feedback.
http://www.hebrew4christians.com/Articles/Christendom/christendom.html
As a side note, I think a big reason for why this separation is so heartbreaking for me is that I really don't know where I belong. I mean, I know I belong to God - and my Bible study group makes me feel like I "belong" to/with them, but I am struggling with where I belong as far as in my communal religious life. I have been going to church for quite some time, and I really do like it and I feel...I guess fairly comfortable there, but not completely...I feel like it's missing it's Hebrew/Jewish roots. I mean I know that "the church" is primarily made up of gentile believers who weren't Jewish to begin with, but they were supposed to be "grafted in" to the Jewish faith, not set apart from it. I go to synagogue sometimes and have that "familiar" feeling and comfort because that's how/where I grew up, but I don't feel completely comfortable there either...because there they ONLY live in the Old Testament and don't see, understand or believe in the New Testament and in Jesus as the Messiah. I know there are "messianic" temples - which are mostly Jews who have come to believe in Jesus and the New Testament...and to be fair, I haven't actually gone to a service there - but I'm not really sure that would be my answer either. I want Jews and Christians to come together, truly come together, as we were meant to be. The Christians have much to learn and gain from the Jews and the Jews have much to learn and gain from the Christians. This is what I want, and probably will never see in my lifetime. In the meantime, I hope, I pray, and I am heartbroken.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
God and the Devil...and stuff
So my 8 year old son and I had a pretty intense conversation the other day. He's got a lot of questions about God, always has. I have struggled alot with how to answer some of his questions. He tells me that he prays about stuff, sometimes literally crying to God to help him with things, and that God doesn't answer him. It's really hard to explain to an 8 year old that God really is hearing his prayers and He really does care, but that sometimes not answering our prayers actually IS answering our prayers. Confusing, yep. Even to me - I've been struggling with this myself. But, what if a "no" about one thing means a "yes" to something better for us? What if God is actually protecting us from something worse by not helping us with something else? So, I spent a few minutes trying to explain THAT to him - which was difficult and he still just doesn't understand why God can't simply make everything better for everyone, because hello, he's GOD.
Then I started talking about sin, and the devil and how God never wanted all these bad things to happen to people, but He gave us free will and He's kind of just letting us figure things out and wants very much for us to believe in and follow Him, but that He will not FORCE us to. In the beginning, Adam and Eve were tempted in the Garden of Eden by the devil, and ever since then, we have sinned. Even though God doesn't really like us to sin or want us to sin, He wants us to realize our need for Him to help us turn from it. He's also made a way for us to be forgiven of our sin through the ultimate holy sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. It seems the devil (a fallen Angel who wanted to BE God) has established a permanent residence on earth, and God is allowing him to tempt us, just as he allowed him to tempt Jesus. Here's the really cool part...WE are actually the ones that can give the devil his power or take it away. This is where my conversation with my son got really intense. Trying to explain the temptations of the devil, such as fear, doubt, greed, power...there are tons of ways that the devil tries to trip us up and get us to follow him instead of God. It is a constant, relentless pursuit of our hearts and our minds, our bodies and our souls. We are not perfect, and it is so easy to sin because it gives us what we think we want...pleasure, possessions, passion, money, health, etc...the list goes on and on. Everything that is temporal and temporary can be ours - for a price. I'm not saying that all things of this life are bad for us. But if we focus too much on those things and not enough on God...and if we don't rely on, pray to, believe in and follow God, these things can overtake us and thus, sin.
So these are concepts that really weren't taught in my Jewish upbringing. My mom always said we don't believe in the devil or hell. Funny thing though, if you read the Old Testament, there's a WHOLE lot of stuff about the devil. Just do a search for the word "evil" in your phone's Bible app. There's about a bazillion references to the "evil one" in the Old Testament. So, um, who's the evil one if it's not the devil? Through my reading, through my bible studies, through my conversations with my girlfriends, I think I have come to a fairly decent understanding of the devil. I also think I've come to a fairly decent understanding of God. I have struggled with the whole idea of the devil because of my upbringing, but I think I'm finally starting to get it. We are sinners, tempted by the devil to commit sins of the mind, body, heart and soul...and God had given us multiple opportunities, signs and wonders to try to get us to turn from sin (Old Testament). We didn't turn from sin, and we think since there's no way for us to be perfect, we can't turn from sin...so we either keep on sinning, ignoring God, or we really try to do things (good deeds, following religious laws, etc) to "impress" God and earn favor with Him. The heart is the key. If the mouth speaks words and the body does actions that give the illusion that we are following God, but we don't feel it in our hearts, then it's almost just as bad as blatantly sinning. The answer...Jesus. The single, holy, perfect sacrifice that God made on our behalf so that we could be forgiven our sins, past, present and future and that by following God..truly following God, we will WANT to do and speak the things of love that God is all about. The devil will always pursue us and will try to drive a wedge between us and our relationship with God. But we can take away his power. We have the Holy Spirit available to intervene, guide and protect us and keep us on a path away from sin and toward the light of God.
As for me, I'm trying to head towards the light. I don't do it perfectly, and I'm sure I never will...but I can feel the change in my heart and it's awesome and way better than anything I could get from the devil. It gives me a sense of peace, of gratitude and of love that I never imagined I could have. Even though I still haven't told my family about my faith, I'm still able to find some of that peace I was referring to in a post a few months back. I know that the guilt I have about Jesus vs. Judaism is the devil trying to get me to turn back. The reality is, it's not Jesus vs. Judaism, it's God vs. the devil.
Then I started talking about sin, and the devil and how God never wanted all these bad things to happen to people, but He gave us free will and He's kind of just letting us figure things out and wants very much for us to believe in and follow Him, but that He will not FORCE us to. In the beginning, Adam and Eve were tempted in the Garden of Eden by the devil, and ever since then, we have sinned. Even though God doesn't really like us to sin or want us to sin, He wants us to realize our need for Him to help us turn from it. He's also made a way for us to be forgiven of our sin through the ultimate holy sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. It seems the devil (a fallen Angel who wanted to BE God) has established a permanent residence on earth, and God is allowing him to tempt us, just as he allowed him to tempt Jesus. Here's the really cool part...WE are actually the ones that can give the devil his power or take it away. This is where my conversation with my son got really intense. Trying to explain the temptations of the devil, such as fear, doubt, greed, power...there are tons of ways that the devil tries to trip us up and get us to follow him instead of God. It is a constant, relentless pursuit of our hearts and our minds, our bodies and our souls. We are not perfect, and it is so easy to sin because it gives us what we think we want...pleasure, possessions, passion, money, health, etc...the list goes on and on. Everything that is temporal and temporary can be ours - for a price. I'm not saying that all things of this life are bad for us. But if we focus too much on those things and not enough on God...and if we don't rely on, pray to, believe in and follow God, these things can overtake us and thus, sin.
So these are concepts that really weren't taught in my Jewish upbringing. My mom always said we don't believe in the devil or hell. Funny thing though, if you read the Old Testament, there's a WHOLE lot of stuff about the devil. Just do a search for the word "evil" in your phone's Bible app. There's about a bazillion references to the "evil one" in the Old Testament. So, um, who's the evil one if it's not the devil? Through my reading, through my bible studies, through my conversations with my girlfriends, I think I have come to a fairly decent understanding of the devil. I also think I've come to a fairly decent understanding of God. I have struggled with the whole idea of the devil because of my upbringing, but I think I'm finally starting to get it. We are sinners, tempted by the devil to commit sins of the mind, body, heart and soul...and God had given us multiple opportunities, signs and wonders to try to get us to turn from sin (Old Testament). We didn't turn from sin, and we think since there's no way for us to be perfect, we can't turn from sin...so we either keep on sinning, ignoring God, or we really try to do things (good deeds, following religious laws, etc) to "impress" God and earn favor with Him. The heart is the key. If the mouth speaks words and the body does actions that give the illusion that we are following God, but we don't feel it in our hearts, then it's almost just as bad as blatantly sinning. The answer...Jesus. The single, holy, perfect sacrifice that God made on our behalf so that we could be forgiven our sins, past, present and future and that by following God..truly following God, we will WANT to do and speak the things of love that God is all about. The devil will always pursue us and will try to drive a wedge between us and our relationship with God. But we can take away his power. We have the Holy Spirit available to intervene, guide and protect us and keep us on a path away from sin and toward the light of God.
As for me, I'm trying to head towards the light. I don't do it perfectly, and I'm sure I never will...but I can feel the change in my heart and it's awesome and way better than anything I could get from the devil. It gives me a sense of peace, of gratitude and of love that I never imagined I could have. Even though I still haven't told my family about my faith, I'm still able to find some of that peace I was referring to in a post a few months back. I know that the guilt I have about Jesus vs. Judaism is the devil trying to get me to turn back. The reality is, it's not Jesus vs. Judaism, it's God vs. the devil.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
On being Jewish...and stuff.
So it's apparent that my sister knows more than I may have thought. I had told her about a year ago that I was doing a Bible study - and then she found those emails on my computer that I mentioned in an earlier post. Mostly we just don't discuss anything about religion or faith...but once in a while she either lets me know how disappointed she is that my 13 year old son isn't having a Bar Mitzvah...or she reminds me that "we're Jewish" in a very angry tone, as if somehow I forgot who I was.
This brings me to something that's been on my mind and heart for a long time. I'm Jewish. That hasn't changed. Just as Jesus was born a Jew and died a Jew, so will I. I've never once said or thought about denouncing my Judaism. I'm proud to be a member of God's "chosen" people. I'm not sure I feel so much connected to the "religion" of Judaism as the culture and the traditions of being Jewish. The fact is, throughout the history of the world, many nations and peoples have tried to destroy...completely wipe out...every last Jew on the planet. This has basically led to a strong sense of urgency among the remaining Jews, especially in recent history since the Holocaust, to hold on to every last Jew standing. This is one of the reasons that interfaith marriages haven't been embraced so much...we're afraid of losing our people not just to genocide, but to mixed marriages where children aren't raised as Jews. There's such a desperation that synagogues and Jewish organizations have reached out to interfaith families and have accepted children with a non-Jewish mother as Jewish too - even though according to Jewish law, children are ALWAYS the religion of the mother. There are groups to help support non-Jewish wives to include them, support them, teach them Jewish customs and traditions, etc. I have several members of my family who have married non-Jews (myself included). One thing I've noticed is that every non Jew that comes into the family seems to embrace Judaism and is either ok with raising their children Jewish, or just feel so pressured by the family that maybe they believe this is the only way to be accepted by everyone.
There's no doubt that there are lots of really cool customs, holidays, traditions, foods - etc that make Judaism very appealing. My own husband has always embraced my Judaism...in fact he loves the family gatherings for the holidays, he has learned some of the prayers we say in Hebrew, he was totally fine with us sending our kids to a Jewish preschool and would have supported my sending them to Sunday and Hebrew school if I had chosen to do so. He's kind of "assimilated" into our Jewish culture - and my family loves him, they LOVE the latkes (potato pancakes) he makes for Hanukkah so much that they insist he make them every year. Since my grandma passed, he's also played a huge role in making the donuts at our Hanukkah celebrations. He's become quite familiar with the Passover Seder and he knows just enough Yiddish words and phrases to make people wonder if he really is Jewish.
The fact is, being Jewish can be a lot of fun, and it's different and special because most of our society is secular. When Jesus was here, he was called Rabbi (teacher), he prayed to God regularly, he observed the Jewish holidays...in fact the Last Supper was indeed a Passover meal that he was sharing with his Jewish disciples. He came as a Jew for the Jews, and he tried to teach the Jews of that time, the Pharisees and Sadducees, about the Kingdom of God. He saw that they were so focused on the laws (refer to the Torah, the 5 books of Moses), that they were not living in the Kingdom of God. He tried to show them the way to truly follow God was not to be so legalistic that they couldn't even fathom or allow tending to a man who had been beaten and left for dead because it was the "Sabbath" - the day of rest. Jesus tried to show them that following God is a heart thing, and it's about love - not just loving those who followed all the rules, memorized prayers, sacrificed the right animals at the right time...but loving EVERYONE. Loving sinners, loving prostitutes, tax collectors, enemies.
Jesus came to fulfill the law that they had been following so meticulously that their hearts were actually hardened towards those who didn't follow it like they thought they should. He came to give them the new covenant because it was clear to God that the covenant by which they had been living wasn't changing their hearts. If you read the Old Testament, you will see how many times God performed miracles, protected the Jews, saved them from slavery...tried to show them the way...and how many times they forgot all God did for them and turned their backs on Him...sinning so horribly that He allowed them to suffer at the hands of their enemies, and then they'd repent and beg for His help and protection...and so He would save them, again - this cycle continued over and over. Just read the books of Kings and Chronicles...you'll see what I'm talking about. Even today Israel and Jews all over the world are fighting to keep what God promised us. By all principles of statistics and logic, the Jews should have been obliterated by now. You know why we're still here? Because God made a promise to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and He has kept his promise. He will never allow the Jews to be wiped out. This is good news!
The problem is that He sent His Son here to show us the way to a relationship with Him...how to live in the Kingdom of God right now...and that message has been ignored by most of the Jews while gentiles worldwide have embraced it. We're not meant to be following all these separate religions, Jews, Christians, Muslims, etc...we're all supposed to be God's people, following God's example of love and living in a relationship with Him and with each other. We should ALL be celebrating together. Jesus didn't come to start a new religion, but to take up our sins, be the final living sacrifice to God and set us free so we could live together for each other and for God. When I celebrate Passover next week with my family, I'll be thinking about how Jesus celebrated that last Passover meal on earth, thankful that I'm a Jew, and thankful that I know that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. I'll be wishing my family and Jewish brothers and sisters around the world would come to know this too and that we can all live in the Kingdom together...with no one having to "remind" us who we are, because we're all the same, God's children. Just as God intended it. Amen!
When the hour came, Jesus and his apostles reclined at the table. And he said to them,
“I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. For I tell you, I will not eat it again until it finds fulfillment in the kingdom of God.”
After taking the cup, he gave thanks and said,
“Take this and divide it among you. For I tell you I will not drink again of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes.”
And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying,
“This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.”
In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying,
“This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you. But the hand of him who is going to betray me is with mine on the table. The Son of Man will go as it has been decreed, but woe to that man who betrays him.”
This brings me to something that's been on my mind and heart for a long time. I'm Jewish. That hasn't changed. Just as Jesus was born a Jew and died a Jew, so will I. I've never once said or thought about denouncing my Judaism. I'm proud to be a member of God's "chosen" people. I'm not sure I feel so much connected to the "religion" of Judaism as the culture and the traditions of being Jewish. The fact is, throughout the history of the world, many nations and peoples have tried to destroy...completely wipe out...every last Jew on the planet. This has basically led to a strong sense of urgency among the remaining Jews, especially in recent history since the Holocaust, to hold on to every last Jew standing. This is one of the reasons that interfaith marriages haven't been embraced so much...we're afraid of losing our people not just to genocide, but to mixed marriages where children aren't raised as Jews. There's such a desperation that synagogues and Jewish organizations have reached out to interfaith families and have accepted children with a non-Jewish mother as Jewish too - even though according to Jewish law, children are ALWAYS the religion of the mother. There are groups to help support non-Jewish wives to include them, support them, teach them Jewish customs and traditions, etc. I have several members of my family who have married non-Jews (myself included). One thing I've noticed is that every non Jew that comes into the family seems to embrace Judaism and is either ok with raising their children Jewish, or just feel so pressured by the family that maybe they believe this is the only way to be accepted by everyone.
There's no doubt that there are lots of really cool customs, holidays, traditions, foods - etc that make Judaism very appealing. My own husband has always embraced my Judaism...in fact he loves the family gatherings for the holidays, he has learned some of the prayers we say in Hebrew, he was totally fine with us sending our kids to a Jewish preschool and would have supported my sending them to Sunday and Hebrew school if I had chosen to do so. He's kind of "assimilated" into our Jewish culture - and my family loves him, they LOVE the latkes (potato pancakes) he makes for Hanukkah so much that they insist he make them every year. Since my grandma passed, he's also played a huge role in making the donuts at our Hanukkah celebrations. He's become quite familiar with the Passover Seder and he knows just enough Yiddish words and phrases to make people wonder if he really is Jewish.
The fact is, being Jewish can be a lot of fun, and it's different and special because most of our society is secular. When Jesus was here, he was called Rabbi (teacher), he prayed to God regularly, he observed the Jewish holidays...in fact the Last Supper was indeed a Passover meal that he was sharing with his Jewish disciples. He came as a Jew for the Jews, and he tried to teach the Jews of that time, the Pharisees and Sadducees, about the Kingdom of God. He saw that they were so focused on the laws (refer to the Torah, the 5 books of Moses), that they were not living in the Kingdom of God. He tried to show them the way to truly follow God was not to be so legalistic that they couldn't even fathom or allow tending to a man who had been beaten and left for dead because it was the "Sabbath" - the day of rest. Jesus tried to show them that following God is a heart thing, and it's about love - not just loving those who followed all the rules, memorized prayers, sacrificed the right animals at the right time...but loving EVERYONE. Loving sinners, loving prostitutes, tax collectors, enemies.
Jesus came to fulfill the law that they had been following so meticulously that their hearts were actually hardened towards those who didn't follow it like they thought they should. He came to give them the new covenant because it was clear to God that the covenant by which they had been living wasn't changing their hearts. If you read the Old Testament, you will see how many times God performed miracles, protected the Jews, saved them from slavery...tried to show them the way...and how many times they forgot all God did for them and turned their backs on Him...sinning so horribly that He allowed them to suffer at the hands of their enemies, and then they'd repent and beg for His help and protection...and so He would save them, again - this cycle continued over and over. Just read the books of Kings and Chronicles...you'll see what I'm talking about. Even today Israel and Jews all over the world are fighting to keep what God promised us. By all principles of statistics and logic, the Jews should have been obliterated by now. You know why we're still here? Because God made a promise to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and He has kept his promise. He will never allow the Jews to be wiped out. This is good news!
The problem is that He sent His Son here to show us the way to a relationship with Him...how to live in the Kingdom of God right now...and that message has been ignored by most of the Jews while gentiles worldwide have embraced it. We're not meant to be following all these separate religions, Jews, Christians, Muslims, etc...we're all supposed to be God's people, following God's example of love and living in a relationship with Him and with each other. We should ALL be celebrating together. Jesus didn't come to start a new religion, but to take up our sins, be the final living sacrifice to God and set us free so we could live together for each other and for God. When I celebrate Passover next week with my family, I'll be thinking about how Jesus celebrated that last Passover meal on earth, thankful that I'm a Jew, and thankful that I know that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. I'll be wishing my family and Jewish brothers and sisters around the world would come to know this too and that we can all live in the Kingdom together...with no one having to "remind" us who we are, because we're all the same, God's children. Just as God intended it. Amen!
When the hour came, Jesus and his apostles reclined at the table. And he said to them,
“I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. For I tell you, I will not eat it again until it finds fulfillment in the kingdom of God.”
After taking the cup, he gave thanks and said,
“Take this and divide it among you. For I tell you I will not drink again of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes.”
And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying,
“This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.”
In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying,
“This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you. But the hand of him who is going to betray me is with mine on the table. The Son of Man will go as it has been decreed, but woe to that man who betrays him.”
Friday, March 1, 2013
Being the Light
Jesus said to them, “Does anyone bring in a lamp in order to put it under a basket or a bed? Shouldn’t it be placed on a lampstand? Mark 4:20-22
Until recently, I've been reading that verse and thinking that it means I need to tell EVERYONE, including my Jewish family and friends, about coming to Christ in my faith. It's been tearing me up that I know that I should be proclaiming the good news to everyone...all this guilt that I have and knowing how disappointed people will be in me has prevented me from shouting it from the mountaintops. However, I think my perspective on this verse has shifted a bit in the last couple of months. Why can't I be the light...just do the things that Jesus did...LOVE and love well. Love the sinners, love the poor, love the people who don't love you. Treat your neighbor as yourself. I don't know about you, but I'd like to be treated well...and whether I ever am or not, it shouldn't stop me from treating others well, from being the light. I don't have to TELL anyone about Jesus, I can SHOW them who Jesus is by my actions and with my heart. I have seen the light in others, I see Jesus everyday in many people - including my awesome bible study girls who have been amazingly supportive and inspirational to me. I can see His light in them, shining so bright...sure, I happen to KNOW that it's because of their faith in God and their walk with Him. But what if I didn't know that? Would I still think they were great people with amazing hearts? You bet I would! Would I be curious to find out what makes them shine so bright? Yep, I would. Is it possible that others might see that light in me and wonder where it's coming from? Yep, sure is possible. Wouldn't that open up a potential path to a conversation where I might give credit to God for the light they see in me? Sure could. Hmm. I think I'm gonna order up some of that LIGHT stuff from the menu, please. I think that it starts with my last post about gratitude and I have started my own gratitude journal. Only have 70 things on that list so far because I haven't been so faithful about writing in it every day...but even when I am not writing things down, I'm constantly walking through my days and nights looking at life through a lens of gratitude and I gotta say, it's pretty awesome what that has done to my heart. Another thing I started doing is to take action on things that stir in my heart. One example is that almost every day I work downtown, there is a homeless man standing on the street off the highway as I exit. It's not always the same man, in fact I don't think I've seen the same one twice so far. Seeing them has tugged on my heart strings for a long time - not just since I've had this job but my whole life whenever I see someone on the streets begging for work or money or food. Unfortunately, our society has this stigma about homeless people...and there's a fear of giving them money because what if they go buy alcohol or cigarettes or drugs with that money? How do I know they aren't just scamming me? Or there's a fear that maybe they'll try to jump into the car and kidnap, rape, murder...whatever. I've been gripped for years by this fear. I've either avoided eye contact or I've walked fast past them or sometimes I've dropped money into their tins, but questioning in my heart what they would do with that money. So, one day, I got off the highway, and remembered I had an extra protein bar in my bag. So I waved the guy standing there over to me and gave him the protein bar. He seemed grateful, I looked him in the eye and said "God bless you sir" and he blessed me right back. I went home and I told my boys and I had this idea that every day I go to work down there, I can pack a bag of food to hand whoever might be standing there, and I asked them to help me pick some things to put into my bag for the next day. So far, I've handed 5 or 6 bags of food to 5 or 6 different men. I have added notes with a prayer or some scripture. I have to say, it feels REALLY good to be able to do SOMETHING for someone else. I hope they eat the food or at least give it to someone else that is hungry. It doesn't matter what they do, I stopped and took the time to look someone in the eye that I used to fear to some degree, to give them something to eat, and to bless them. In my own small little way, I'm showing someone outside of my comfort zone the love of God, the light. In my upbringing, we call this a Mitzvah or good deed. This, according to many Jews...and others, is the way to get to heaven. By doing good deeds. It's actions that get you written into the book of life. The problem with this, is that it's not really about the heart, it's about the deed. Many people like to get credit for their good deeds. They are looking for praise and for someone to acknowledge what they are doing, that's what makes them feel good about it. Honestly, it does make me feel good when someone recognizes that I've done a mitzvah for someone, but it is HUMBLING to just do it when no one is watching and to do it because you feel led by God to serve others in some way. I always think about whether I should tell people when I've done a good deed because I really do not want to seem like I'm boastful or that I'm seeking praise or that I'm a better person because I did something nice for someone, or that this is what's going to get me into heaven. The truth is, heaven is here and now for those of us that want to live in God's kingdom. It's not just some place we go after we die because we did a lot of good stuff in our life on earth. Living in the kingdom means following God, not people. But, there is something valuable, I think, in telling others about things that we do. It gives us ideas of things WE can do for others. I LOVE hearing about what people do for others. My great friend/neighbor that I talk about alot, her husband has told me about some good deeds that he's done for others and it not only warms my heart, but it gives me ideas of things I can do - and he ALWAYS gives the credit to God. I loved a recent story that involved him filling up someone's gas tank while he was waiting for his tank to fill - someone that he could tell was struggling and was only able to pump a certain amount of gas because that's all the money she had. Through something that only God could orchestrate, he was actually "forced" to look around and was able to see this person in need, and quickly offered to fill up her tank. She was so grateful that someone would do that for her. I loved hearing this story because now when I'm at a gas station and in my own little world pumping my gas, I can be on the lookout for someone that could use a full tank. That is what fills my heart and that is how I want to be the light. See a need, be led by God to do something, and do it...not for recognition or for praise or for a plaque on the wall, but to be the light of God in this world full of darkness. I just want to be the light in my words, in my deeds, and especially in my heart. Someday, maybe someone will inquire about this light and it will open up a conversation about Jesus.
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