People are always saying that they want to do God's will, they want to do what He says, they want to hear from Him. I've heard people say, "this is what God told me to do" or "this is what I heard the Lord say..." or "I felt led by God to do this or to not do that."
All good stuff. I want that too. I want to know what God's will is for me. I want to hear Him, I want to be led by His spirit in all that I do.
Then there's people who say "go with your gut" or "I just knew in my gut this is what I should do" or "I just felt that this was the right thing in my gut." Or, "if I wouldn't have gone with my gut, this [bad thing] would have happened or "if I would have just gone with my gut, I wouldn't have had this [bad thing] happen.
In nursing school, this "gut" thing got brought up alot. I would ponder over test questions or skills labs and would constantly question myself...and I would hear (sometimes from myself and sometimes from others), "just go with your gut" or "why didn't you go with your gut, you would have been right!" OY VEY!
So, is it Gut vs. God or is it that God gives us our "gut" instincts? Could it be that God is trying to lead us through our "gut?" These are the things I have been pondering lately. It's not because I have intenstinal issues, although I sometimes do, but who doesn't? I just wonder if those "natural" instincts that we have that sometimes seriously gnaw at our insides trying to get us to go with that feeling and not turn back...are God trying to tell us what to do and what not to do.
I am pretty sure I've had a "gut" feeling not to sneak out of my friends house with them in the middle of the night (hypothetically speaking, ahem), but I did it anyway. I was fortunate to not have gotten into trouble or have something bad happen to me, but that whole time, I was feeling pretty guilty and not really having fun. Should I have listened to my gut and said "no I'm not going to sneak out, it's not right." Well, I obviously didn't. Many, many times in my life I've had those "gut" feelings and most of the time, have gone against them...out of stubbornness, spite, selfishness, whatever you want to call it. I have ignored my "gut" more than I have followed it's nagging.
Does this mean that I've been ignoring God and trying to lead myself through life? Honestly, I think it has. Here's my thought...I think that if our "gut" tells us something that lines up with God's word, then it's God trying to lead us to the right decision. I think if our "gut" tells us something that goes against God's word, then maybe that's the devil trying to take over. But if I'm being honest, I'd have to say that usually my "gut" IS telling me something that lines up with God's word - it is trying to tell me what is right and what is wrong and I'm mostly ignoring it and doing my own thing. This is how I think I've lived most of my life. Not to say that I haven't gone with my gut on occasion, I actually think I have gone with it more times than I can think of right now but for the most part, not so much. Especially I think I don't go with my gut when it's going to cause me some major discomfort.
I might have hit on something here. If going with my gut means I don't get to do something I really want to do, don't get to be with someone I really want to be with, or have something I really want to have...or if it means I have to step out of my comfort zone in any way, then it's pretty easy to just ignore or go against my gut, which is probably going against God, eh?
So this faith journey I'm on - talk about a MAJOR intenstinal upset. There are not enough Tums or Prilosec on the face of the earth that can settle this problem. No purple pill can prevent the acid that is rolling around in my "gut" trying to pull me in directions that take me WAY out of my comfort zone. Going to church, thinking about baptism, the mere THOUGHT of having to tell my family about my faith. Jesus - this whole thing is going to take a LOT OF GUTS! I'm lacking in this department and this is why I'm constantly wrestling with myself and my gut and my God. I don't have the guts to face what I know my gut, my God is trying to get me to face. I just don't. I want to have the guts, I want to follow my God. When I have "gone with my gut" and gotten up on a Sunday morning and gone to church, even when my guilt is trying to keep me in bed, it's always turned out to be a good thing to go. Every time there's been a unique experience or the right sermon or the right readings or songs or the right person saying the right things at the right times. I KNOW this in my gut, and in my heart, and in my mind. SO why can't I go with my gut in the WHOLE shebang - why can't I just go for it, go for Jesus, go full throttle into this faith and this journey towards reconciliation and salvation? Because I don't have the guts.
God, this is my prayer to you right now, that You will give me the "guts" that I need to face all of this and that You will place into my "gut" the instincts that line up to Your word and that You will give me the strength to step out of my comfort zone and follow those instincts that You've given me, and not to turn back. Whatever that means...and however hard that will be. Because I know in my mind that following You and surrendering to You will be eternally good and right and awesome, and I even think I somehow believe that in my heart...but I'm just having a hard time following my gut, and that's where I need You the most. I pray for Your strength and Your wisdom and Your discernment...and Your courage to pull me through this quicksand I'm sinking in onto Your strong foundation. I pray these things in the name of Jesus Christ, who I believe is the Messiah that was promised to us. God help me to feel free to say that...to anyone and in any circumstance. "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9. Amen.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
To be or not to be...Baptized
This past week, I got an email from the Pastor at the church I attend asking if I'd like to be Baptized next month. The church is going to be Baptizing several people at this lake at a nearby park, instead of the traditional "tank" that they use at the church. I think my initial reaction to the email was that of paralysis. I just kind of froze. Then I was thinking about it - the idea of doing this at a lake was really cool to me. But, I thought, am I ready to take the plunge? Well, it so happens that my husband and youngest son will be at Scout camp then...if only I'd known about this sooner, I thought - maybe I could have had them choose a different week to attend camp. I guess if I'm having doubts about doing this so soon, the fact that my husband and one of my sons wouldn't be able to attend gave me an "out." Or maybe it was a sign that it's not my time yet. Shouldn't I feel peace about this decision? And what does it REALLY mean to be Baptized anyway?
So, I did what I do when I have questions, I started reading stuff. I have been reading up on the history of Baptism. I had known from reading the Old Testament that Baptism was actually a Jewish cleansing ritual back in the day of the Levitical law. In Judaism, there is a "mikvah" and here is a little exerpt I found online describing what this is:
In the beginning there was only water. A miraculous compound, it is the primary source and vivifying factor of all sustenance and, by extension, all life as we know it. But Judaism teaches it is more. For these very same attributes -- water as source and sustaining energy -- are mirrored in the spiritual. Water has the power to purify: to restore and replenish life to our essential, spiritual selves.
The mikvah personifies both the womb and the grave; the portals to life and afterlife. In both, the person is stripped of all power and prowess. In both there is a mode of total reliance, complete abdication of control. Immersion in the mikvah can be understood as a symbolic act of self-abnegation, the conscious suspension of the self as an autonomous force. In so doing, the immersing Jew signals a desire to achieve oneness with the source of all life, to return to a primeval unity with G-d. Immersion indicates the abandonment of one form of existence to embrace one infinitely higher. In keeping with this theme, immersion in the mikvah is described not only in terms of purification, revitalization, and rejuvenation but also -- and perhaps primarily -- as rebirth. - http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/1541/jewish/The-Mikvah.htm
I know I'm not an expert, but that sure sounds alot like a Baptism to me. Although there are varying viewpoints of Baptism in the different Christian denominations, I think it's widely held as a "re-birth" or being "born again." From my research:
Water baptism is a way of providing a point in time to which a person can refer to and, in his own mind, remember: He can state with certainty, "That's the day I became a Christian; that's when I was born again. That's the day that I died with Christ; was buried with Him; and was raised to new life with Him. It's the day I became a new creation." - http://myredeemer.org/foundation/baptism/conclusion
I'm just sayin - mikvah...baptism - sounds to me like the same purpose. Dying to self, dying to your old life, and being born again in your new life. Even though baptism is associated with becoming a "Christian" - I think I'm seeing that it's actually a very "Jewish" thing to do. SO am I ready for this? In many ways, I think yes I am and yes I want to do this. Then there's that guilt of how my family and Jewish friends will see this - that whole betrayal and abandonment thing that I've been feeling guilt about. The Pastor attached a four week baptism study for me to do prior to the dunking. I think I'm going to maybe start going through the study and see if I feel if I'm ready for this. I won't be able to do the lake baptism, but maybe the next time it's offered at church, I'll be ready. I think I'm hoping that I'll have some extraordinary encounter with God and that my doubts and fears and guilt of following Jesus will be washed away. I don't know if that will happen or not, but I do know that it will be an outward sign of God's grace in my life, and that it will be done in front of witnesses, and that there will be no turning back for me if I do this...at least that's how I feel about it.
God I really want to acknowledge publicly the transformation that has occurred in my heart and my life since I realized the truth about Jesus. I have been allowing my fears, doubts and guilt to stifle my joy and my acceptance of your grace and mercy. I have let my self-esteem issues make me feel unworthy of your gift of salvation and I have been more concerned about what others think of me than of completely surrending to you and living in your Kingdom right here and right now. I pray that as I go through this Baptism study over the next several weeks, that Your spirit will guide me and answer my question of "to be or not to be...baptized." I pray that I will hear You and acknowledge Your will for me in this incredibly important step in my faith journey. I thank You for Your patience, understanding and love. I am grateful that You would choose to reveal the truth to me and I want to be intentional in how I respond to this truth. I believe, help me with my unbelief. In Jesus name, Amen.
So, I did what I do when I have questions, I started reading stuff. I have been reading up on the history of Baptism. I had known from reading the Old Testament that Baptism was actually a Jewish cleansing ritual back in the day of the Levitical law. In Judaism, there is a "mikvah" and here is a little exerpt I found online describing what this is:
In the beginning there was only water. A miraculous compound, it is the primary source and vivifying factor of all sustenance and, by extension, all life as we know it. But Judaism teaches it is more. For these very same attributes -- water as source and sustaining energy -- are mirrored in the spiritual. Water has the power to purify: to restore and replenish life to our essential, spiritual selves.
The mikvah personifies both the womb and the grave; the portals to life and afterlife. In both, the person is stripped of all power and prowess. In both there is a mode of total reliance, complete abdication of control. Immersion in the mikvah can be understood as a symbolic act of self-abnegation, the conscious suspension of the self as an autonomous force. In so doing, the immersing Jew signals a desire to achieve oneness with the source of all life, to return to a primeval unity with G-d. Immersion indicates the abandonment of one form of existence to embrace one infinitely higher. In keeping with this theme, immersion in the mikvah is described not only in terms of purification, revitalization, and rejuvenation but also -- and perhaps primarily -- as rebirth. - http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/1541/jewish/The-Mikvah.htm
I know I'm not an expert, but that sure sounds alot like a Baptism to me. Although there are varying viewpoints of Baptism in the different Christian denominations, I think it's widely held as a "re-birth" or being "born again." From my research:
Water baptism is a way of providing a point in time to which a person can refer to and, in his own mind, remember: He can state with certainty, "That's the day I became a Christian; that's when I was born again. That's the day that I died with Christ; was buried with Him; and was raised to new life with Him. It's the day I became a new creation." - http://myredeemer.org/foundation/baptism/conclusion
I'm just sayin - mikvah...baptism - sounds to me like the same purpose. Dying to self, dying to your old life, and being born again in your new life. Even though baptism is associated with becoming a "Christian" - I think I'm seeing that it's actually a very "Jewish" thing to do. SO am I ready for this? In many ways, I think yes I am and yes I want to do this. Then there's that guilt of how my family and Jewish friends will see this - that whole betrayal and abandonment thing that I've been feeling guilt about. The Pastor attached a four week baptism study for me to do prior to the dunking. I think I'm going to maybe start going through the study and see if I feel if I'm ready for this. I won't be able to do the lake baptism, but maybe the next time it's offered at church, I'll be ready. I think I'm hoping that I'll have some extraordinary encounter with God and that my doubts and fears and guilt of following Jesus will be washed away. I don't know if that will happen or not, but I do know that it will be an outward sign of God's grace in my life, and that it will be done in front of witnesses, and that there will be no turning back for me if I do this...at least that's how I feel about it.
God I really want to acknowledge publicly the transformation that has occurred in my heart and my life since I realized the truth about Jesus. I have been allowing my fears, doubts and guilt to stifle my joy and my acceptance of your grace and mercy. I have let my self-esteem issues make me feel unworthy of your gift of salvation and I have been more concerned about what others think of me than of completely surrending to you and living in your Kingdom right here and right now. I pray that as I go through this Baptism study over the next several weeks, that Your spirit will guide me and answer my question of "to be or not to be...baptized." I pray that I will hear You and acknowledge Your will for me in this incredibly important step in my faith journey. I thank You for Your patience, understanding and love. I am grateful that You would choose to reveal the truth to me and I want to be intentional in how I respond to this truth. I believe, help me with my unbelief. In Jesus name, Amen.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Tired of fighting...
So...I'm sitting here at work reading...alot of stuff. Some of the Bible, some of testimonies of Jews who have come to believe in Jesus as the Messiah. I have a tight, knotted up back like I get when I'm in this battle with myself over whether to jump in and give myself to Him or whether I should just leave it alone and be "Jewish" so I don't have to face my family. I gotta tell you, I'm tired of fighting with myself. I think I'm at a crossroads. I want to just jump in and get it overwith already...but I'm still letting fear get the best of me. I want to do this. I just don't know where to start...
I've been thinking about Baptism. I think I want to do it - but when? Before or after I tell my family? I'm not sure what difference I think it will make but part of me thinks I should at least tell them before I get dunked, to be fair to them or something. Not that I think they'll be attending my Baptism and not that I even think I could tell them that I'm doing it. But then, why not just get Baptized first and then give it all to them at once?
What about the sinner's prayer? If I say that prayer out loud and mean it, will that change anything? Will that give me the strength and the courage I need to tell my people? I think I've said it once in a Bible study but I'm not sure that I really fully knew what I was doing and honestly, if I'm going to really say it and mean it, I want to really know what I'm doing. Kind of like my Bat Mitzvah. I learned to recite prayers and even a portion of the Torah in Hebrew, but did I really truly know what I was doing and fully appreciate the meaning of it? Um, no. I was 12 years old, I really had no idea of the magnitude of what my Bat Mitzvah meant. So if I do say the sinner's prayer - I think I want to be pretty intentional about it and I want it to mean something. Trying to figure out how/where/when to do that is a struggle in itself.
Basically, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of this internal struggle that's been going on for well over a year now. I want this knotted up feeling in my back to disappear, for good. I want to be free. I hear people tell me to just "give it to Him" and to "trust Him." I wish I really knew how to do that, and I wish I could believe it were as easy as they make it sound. I want to hear from God. That's the topic of the sermon the past 2 weeks at church. I'm going to try to be still and to listen to Him in the midst of my crazy life. I'm about to embark on a 4 day journey moving into my sister's house with my mom, my two boys and my 4 nephews while her and her husband are out of town. I'm not sure I'll get much "still" time there, but after that...I'm on a mission to hear from God and to do what He says and to stop fighting with myself.
God I pray that You will hear the plea's of my heart and that You will help me turn myself (back) to You so that I can hear You. I want to accept Your grace and move forward with my life in You. I can't do this on my own accord, all I end up doing is fighting with myself. I need Your direction, I need Your voice, I need Your help. Please help me to stop, to be still, to end the struggle within me and to follow You regardless of what that means for me. Please show me how to pick up my cross and "die to self." Amen.
I've been thinking about Baptism. I think I want to do it - but when? Before or after I tell my family? I'm not sure what difference I think it will make but part of me thinks I should at least tell them before I get dunked, to be fair to them or something. Not that I think they'll be attending my Baptism and not that I even think I could tell them that I'm doing it. But then, why not just get Baptized first and then give it all to them at once?
What about the sinner's prayer? If I say that prayer out loud and mean it, will that change anything? Will that give me the strength and the courage I need to tell my people? I think I've said it once in a Bible study but I'm not sure that I really fully knew what I was doing and honestly, if I'm going to really say it and mean it, I want to really know what I'm doing. Kind of like my Bat Mitzvah. I learned to recite prayers and even a portion of the Torah in Hebrew, but did I really truly know what I was doing and fully appreciate the meaning of it? Um, no. I was 12 years old, I really had no idea of the magnitude of what my Bat Mitzvah meant. So if I do say the sinner's prayer - I think I want to be pretty intentional about it and I want it to mean something. Trying to figure out how/where/when to do that is a struggle in itself.
Basically, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of this internal struggle that's been going on for well over a year now. I want this knotted up feeling in my back to disappear, for good. I want to be free. I hear people tell me to just "give it to Him" and to "trust Him." I wish I really knew how to do that, and I wish I could believe it were as easy as they make it sound. I want to hear from God. That's the topic of the sermon the past 2 weeks at church. I'm going to try to be still and to listen to Him in the midst of my crazy life. I'm about to embark on a 4 day journey moving into my sister's house with my mom, my two boys and my 4 nephews while her and her husband are out of town. I'm not sure I'll get much "still" time there, but after that...I'm on a mission to hear from God and to do what He says and to stop fighting with myself.
God I pray that You will hear the plea's of my heart and that You will help me turn myself (back) to You so that I can hear You. I want to accept Your grace and move forward with my life in You. I can't do this on my own accord, all I end up doing is fighting with myself. I need Your direction, I need Your voice, I need Your help. Please help me to stop, to be still, to end the struggle within me and to follow You regardless of what that means for me. Please show me how to pick up my cross and "die to self." Amen.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Living in Limbo
So, I still haven't told my family and/or Jewish friends about my faith. I also still haven't FULLY accepted the gift of salvation that Jesus has freely given to all of us. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a swimming pool...and I'll dip my foot in, occasionally sit and put both legs in...but just can't...or won't...jump in. I want to and I know if I do it will be awesome, but I'm holding on, holding out. Why? I've been searching my heart for the answer this week. I'm not sure I have "the" answer but I have some ideas...
I read an amazing book called "Betrayed!" by Stan Telchin...this is the overview on the Barnes and Noble website:
"How can you be Jewish and believe in Jesus?"
The Telchins were a happy, close-knit Jewish family until the day their daughter called from college with a shocking revelation: She had become a Christian. Judy's decision prompted her father to set out to disprove the Messiahship of Jesus in order to win her back. To do so, he had to study the Bible for the first time in his life.
In the face of increasingly convincing proofs that Jesus is who He claimed to be, Stan Telchin found himself confronting thousands of years' worth of misunderstanding, hurt and prejudice from both sides. The key question that surfaced was this: How can a Jewish person embrace Jesus and Christianity without turning his back on his own people?
More than thirty years after coming to know Jesus as Messiah, Stan Telchin reflects a passion to celebrate the heritage and culture of the Jewish people while seeking to unite Jews and Gentiles under the love of Messiah Jesus.
So, I think this is one of the reasons that I'm standing on the edge. I don't want to turn my back on my family, on my fellow Jews...on MY Judaism. I'm proud of my heritage, proud to be Jewish. At the same time, I find myself upset with my people for turning their backs on Jesus. He was even rejected by His own family - at least until His Resurrection where they finally saw that He was who He said He was. But alive on earth He felt the rejection of many - I can only imagine how hard that must have been. But, of course, He followed God the Father - He stayed faithful to God and didn't let the rejection get to Him, change His obedience or direction. He jumped in the pool and never looked back, never doubted, never wavered. In "Betrayed!" - the Telchin family also faced a lot of rejection from family and friends and strangers once it was "out" that they believed in Jesus as the Messiah. Like Stan Telchin, I started my journey by researching and looking into why the Jews rejected Jesus...and was out to prove that it couldn't be true. Like Stan Telchin, my mission backfired. He fought it, I fight it. But, the Telchin's followed God, they jumped in the pool and never looked back - at least if they did, they turned right back around and kept moving forward.
There's not a doubt in my mind that I WANT to do the same thing. I want to follow God, I want to praise and worship Jesus as MY Messiah...loud and proud. But I don't want to lose anyone in the process. I love my family - I have 5 amazing nephews and a niece that I adore. I can't fathom the thought of not being involved in their lives because their parents, my siblings, think I'm crazy and I've turned my back on them. It tears me up inside. I have cousins and aunts and uncles and friends that I love and my mom - I can't bear the thought of disappointing her. I know that following God comes at a cost...and it could be a HUGE cost. I know that I need to focus on the eternal, not the temporal perspective. I know that it's not about ME, it's about HIM. I know that my reward in Heaven is great - He tells me so. I know that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I KNOW that the New Testament is the TRUTH, it's the rest of the story. It was prophesied long before Jesus ever walked the face of the earth. There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus IS the Messiah that the Jews are still waiting for. But my heart...is broken in a hundred pieces over the thought of losing the people I love.
I went to a Sunday school class after church the other day and there was one question that the leader asked that led me to break my awkward silence and speak up. The question was whether or not there's a difference between "conversion" and "salvation." I said that I think there is a difference. I said that I'm Jewish, and that I'd like to think that I don't have to "convert" to Christianity to have salvation. The words just blurted forth like they had been pent up in a jar for years. The more I've thought about what I said, the more I've realized that this is part of my hang up. I don't want to lose my Jewish identity, just as much as I don't want to lose my family. It seems so silly to think that I have to give up being a Jew when Jesus was born a Jew, came for the Jews, died a Jew, all the New Testament writers except for Luke were Jews, and the first people to accept and follow Jesus as the Messiah were Jews!!! The Christians, the gentiles, they were grafted in - and I fully believe that Jesus came for them too and in no way, shape or form do I feel inferior to Gentile believers. I feel that the body of Christ is anyone, Jew, Gentile, Muslim, black, white, or anyone else anywhere in the world who believes and follows Jesus as their Messiah.
I'm a Jewish believer in Jesus as the Messiah. I want to fully accept the gift that He has given the world, for me, personally, as much as for anyone else. I don't want to let fear of what other people will think of me keep me from experiencing fully the love, grace and mercy that He offers. I want to give my fears and anxieties and hang ups to God, who wants to take it from me as much as I want to give it to Him. Right now I'm still stuck in limbo because as much as I want to do these things, I continue to let fear keep me on the edge of the pool, afraid to jump in all the way.
God I pray that You will show me the way from limbo to love, from fear to faith, from heartbreak to true joy. I feel that I'm just right there on the edge, wanting to give my life to You and for You. Thank You God for being patient with me, for loving me right where I am and for showing me through your Word, through books I read, and through my relationships with other believers that You are the ONE true God who is worth the cost. I pray that you will soften the hearts of my family and friends so they will not reject me for my beliefs...but more than that I pray that You will strengthen my heart to withstand it if and when it comes. In Jesus' holy name I pray. Amen.
I read an amazing book called "Betrayed!" by Stan Telchin...this is the overview on the Barnes and Noble website:
"How can you be Jewish and believe in Jesus?"
The Telchins were a happy, close-knit Jewish family until the day their daughter called from college with a shocking revelation: She had become a Christian. Judy's decision prompted her father to set out to disprove the Messiahship of Jesus in order to win her back. To do so, he had to study the Bible for the first time in his life.
In the face of increasingly convincing proofs that Jesus is who He claimed to be, Stan Telchin found himself confronting thousands of years' worth of misunderstanding, hurt and prejudice from both sides. The key question that surfaced was this: How can a Jewish person embrace Jesus and Christianity without turning his back on his own people?
More than thirty years after coming to know Jesus as Messiah, Stan Telchin reflects a passion to celebrate the heritage and culture of the Jewish people while seeking to unite Jews and Gentiles under the love of Messiah Jesus.
So, I think this is one of the reasons that I'm standing on the edge. I don't want to turn my back on my family, on my fellow Jews...on MY Judaism. I'm proud of my heritage, proud to be Jewish. At the same time, I find myself upset with my people for turning their backs on Jesus. He was even rejected by His own family - at least until His Resurrection where they finally saw that He was who He said He was. But alive on earth He felt the rejection of many - I can only imagine how hard that must have been. But, of course, He followed God the Father - He stayed faithful to God and didn't let the rejection get to Him, change His obedience or direction. He jumped in the pool and never looked back, never doubted, never wavered. In "Betrayed!" - the Telchin family also faced a lot of rejection from family and friends and strangers once it was "out" that they believed in Jesus as the Messiah. Like Stan Telchin, I started my journey by researching and looking into why the Jews rejected Jesus...and was out to prove that it couldn't be true. Like Stan Telchin, my mission backfired. He fought it, I fight it. But, the Telchin's followed God, they jumped in the pool and never looked back - at least if they did, they turned right back around and kept moving forward.
There's not a doubt in my mind that I WANT to do the same thing. I want to follow God, I want to praise and worship Jesus as MY Messiah...loud and proud. But I don't want to lose anyone in the process. I love my family - I have 5 amazing nephews and a niece that I adore. I can't fathom the thought of not being involved in their lives because their parents, my siblings, think I'm crazy and I've turned my back on them. It tears me up inside. I have cousins and aunts and uncles and friends that I love and my mom - I can't bear the thought of disappointing her. I know that following God comes at a cost...and it could be a HUGE cost. I know that I need to focus on the eternal, not the temporal perspective. I know that it's not about ME, it's about HIM. I know that my reward in Heaven is great - He tells me so. I know that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I KNOW that the New Testament is the TRUTH, it's the rest of the story. It was prophesied long before Jesus ever walked the face of the earth. There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus IS the Messiah that the Jews are still waiting for. But my heart...is broken in a hundred pieces over the thought of losing the people I love.
I went to a Sunday school class after church the other day and there was one question that the leader asked that led me to break my awkward silence and speak up. The question was whether or not there's a difference between "conversion" and "salvation." I said that I think there is a difference. I said that I'm Jewish, and that I'd like to think that I don't have to "convert" to Christianity to have salvation. The words just blurted forth like they had been pent up in a jar for years. The more I've thought about what I said, the more I've realized that this is part of my hang up. I don't want to lose my Jewish identity, just as much as I don't want to lose my family. It seems so silly to think that I have to give up being a Jew when Jesus was born a Jew, came for the Jews, died a Jew, all the New Testament writers except for Luke were Jews, and the first people to accept and follow Jesus as the Messiah were Jews!!! The Christians, the gentiles, they were grafted in - and I fully believe that Jesus came for them too and in no way, shape or form do I feel inferior to Gentile believers. I feel that the body of Christ is anyone, Jew, Gentile, Muslim, black, white, or anyone else anywhere in the world who believes and follows Jesus as their Messiah.
I'm a Jewish believer in Jesus as the Messiah. I want to fully accept the gift that He has given the world, for me, personally, as much as for anyone else. I don't want to let fear of what other people will think of me keep me from experiencing fully the love, grace and mercy that He offers. I want to give my fears and anxieties and hang ups to God, who wants to take it from me as much as I want to give it to Him. Right now I'm still stuck in limbo because as much as I want to do these things, I continue to let fear keep me on the edge of the pool, afraid to jump in all the way.
God I pray that You will show me the way from limbo to love, from fear to faith, from heartbreak to true joy. I feel that I'm just right there on the edge, wanting to give my life to You and for You. Thank You God for being patient with me, for loving me right where I am and for showing me through your Word, through books I read, and through my relationships with other believers that You are the ONE true God who is worth the cost. I pray that you will soften the hearts of my family and friends so they will not reject me for my beliefs...but more than that I pray that You will strengthen my heart to withstand it if and when it comes. In Jesus' holy name I pray. Amen.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Romans, Remnants and a new Revelation for Rachel!
A few weeks ago, at my bible study, we all were telling each other how the others could pray for us in the coming week. I asked for something that I've been praying for now for months, that I could meet another Jewish believer who would truly understand what I'm going through in my faith journey and my "rub" over telling my family and Jewish friends about it. WOW is God faithfull in amazing ways! Here's what happened...
One of the girls in my study was at another bible study at her Church the following week, and the speaker was (are you sitting down?) a JEWISH woman who is a believer! She went up to this woman after the study, told her about me, and before she could complete her sentence, the woman was writing down her contact information for my friend to give me!!!! We exchanged emails, and I met with her the other day! Turns out we have very similar backgrounds, raised in Conservative Jewish synagogues, having Bat Mitzvah's, marrying non-Jewish men. Much of what she told me about her life so resonated with me, down to the way we perceived the Syngagogue experience, prayer, etc. She's been on her journey for about 15 years and she has told her family. It hasn't been pretty, but sounds about like I think it will be with my family...no one disowning her, but definite disappointment and very superficial relationships with them...and lots of tension. It's sad, for sure...but she totally gets it, understands fully what I'm going through and what I'm facing. But wait, there's more!
This amazing woman actually has been called by God to teach and enlighten the Gentile church about God's call on Israel and the Jewish people. She's not just a Jewish believer, she's a teacher trying to show the connections between Jew and Gentile and how we're ALL part of God's plan. She told me about Romans Chapters 9-11, which I know I've read at least 3 times now, but clearly didn't understand what I was reading! After she explained it to me, I went back and read it again, and OH MY GOODNESS! WOW. I know I will absolutely not do this justice and I apologize if I'm misunderstanding or misinterpreting what she was telling me and what I'm reading of Paul's letter to the Romans, but I'm going to try because it's so incredibly important to my journey...and to the journey of ALL believers, whether Jew or Gentile. I've always thought that it was the Jews that turned their backs on God in disobedience and the reason they don't see or understand the truth I've come to know was because they were blind to it...and that is true, but they are blind to it because they have been blinded to it by God (and yes, because of their disobedience)..."A partial hardening has happened to Israel until the full number of the Gentiles has come in..." (Romans 11:25, NET). It's all part of His plan. I urge you to read these chapters of Romans and see for yourself the plan that God has for us all. Meanwhile, there's even more for me...
"And Isaiah cries out on behalf of Israel, 'Though the number of the children of Israel are as the sand of the sea, only the remnant will be saved' (Romans 9:27). I'm a remnant. I've been saved by grace. The Jewish people will not see and know the truth until the time that God chooses to reveal it to them, until the full number of the Gentiles has come to believe. But along the way, God will choose to reveal His truth to some of the Jewish people. I think He knows which ones will have the heart and the open-mind to receive this truth, and I think He knew that I would be one of those people. I don't know why me and maybe I'll never really know...but that is my new focus. To figure out why He revealed His truth to me, and to figure out what His will is for me, however long that takes.
Well, I have to tell you...I left my new friend the other day feeling pretty overwhelmed and scared. I felt I think like Jonah when God asked him to go to Nineveh...I wanted to just run away and hide in Tarshish, or maybe Tahiti or somewhere, anywhere but where I might be headed. This is going to be a rough road, it has been already. But...running away isn't going to get me anywhere, and certainly won't get me where God wants me to be. I don't want to disobey God. I want to follow Him, I want to know His plan for me. And with His help, I want to live out my life according to His plan and purpose for me. He promises me in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has plans to prosper me, not to harm me...to give me a future filled with hope (NET).
So, this is my revelation...that I'm a remnant. I don't belong because I'm not supposed to belong. That the Jews and the Gentiles WILL see a time of harmony, true harmony and where we will ALL see God, see His truth and have the eternal life He promised us all. It started with the Jews, it will end with the Jews, but only after the full number of Gentiles have come in. God's promise is being fulfilled, right now, and I'm a part of that as a Jewish believer. And you are a part of that, as a Jew, as a Gentile, as a non-believer. We are ALL part of God's plan, we're all His children. Look, listen, and follow the path He has laid out for you. Believe. Hope. Have faith. I think I'm starting to have all these things. It's a process and some days are easier than others. This is my journey. Come along with me for the ride!!
Thank you God for answering my prayer in such a powerful, personal way this week. You are so faithful and I am so humbled that You would choose to reveal Your truth to me. I pray that You will give me the eyes to see, the mind to know and the heart to understand what your plan is for me and that You will give me the courage and the strength and the wisdom to follow the path You lay before me. In Jesus' name. Amen.
One of the girls in my study was at another bible study at her Church the following week, and the speaker was (are you sitting down?) a JEWISH woman who is a believer! She went up to this woman after the study, told her about me, and before she could complete her sentence, the woman was writing down her contact information for my friend to give me!!!! We exchanged emails, and I met with her the other day! Turns out we have very similar backgrounds, raised in Conservative Jewish synagogues, having Bat Mitzvah's, marrying non-Jewish men. Much of what she told me about her life so resonated with me, down to the way we perceived the Syngagogue experience, prayer, etc. She's been on her journey for about 15 years and she has told her family. It hasn't been pretty, but sounds about like I think it will be with my family...no one disowning her, but definite disappointment and very superficial relationships with them...and lots of tension. It's sad, for sure...but she totally gets it, understands fully what I'm going through and what I'm facing. But wait, there's more!
This amazing woman actually has been called by God to teach and enlighten the Gentile church about God's call on Israel and the Jewish people. She's not just a Jewish believer, she's a teacher trying to show the connections between Jew and Gentile and how we're ALL part of God's plan. She told me about Romans Chapters 9-11, which I know I've read at least 3 times now, but clearly didn't understand what I was reading! After she explained it to me, I went back and read it again, and OH MY GOODNESS! WOW. I know I will absolutely not do this justice and I apologize if I'm misunderstanding or misinterpreting what she was telling me and what I'm reading of Paul's letter to the Romans, but I'm going to try because it's so incredibly important to my journey...and to the journey of ALL believers, whether Jew or Gentile. I've always thought that it was the Jews that turned their backs on God in disobedience and the reason they don't see or understand the truth I've come to know was because they were blind to it...and that is true, but they are blind to it because they have been blinded to it by God (and yes, because of their disobedience)..."A partial hardening has happened to Israel until the full number of the Gentiles has come in..." (Romans 11:25, NET). It's all part of His plan. I urge you to read these chapters of Romans and see for yourself the plan that God has for us all. Meanwhile, there's even more for me...
"And Isaiah cries out on behalf of Israel, 'Though the number of the children of Israel are as the sand of the sea, only the remnant will be saved' (Romans 9:27). I'm a remnant. I've been saved by grace. The Jewish people will not see and know the truth until the time that God chooses to reveal it to them, until the full number of the Gentiles has come to believe. But along the way, God will choose to reveal His truth to some of the Jewish people. I think He knows which ones will have the heart and the open-mind to receive this truth, and I think He knew that I would be one of those people. I don't know why me and maybe I'll never really know...but that is my new focus. To figure out why He revealed His truth to me, and to figure out what His will is for me, however long that takes.
Well, I have to tell you...I left my new friend the other day feeling pretty overwhelmed and scared. I felt I think like Jonah when God asked him to go to Nineveh...I wanted to just run away and hide in Tarshish, or maybe Tahiti or somewhere, anywhere but where I might be headed. This is going to be a rough road, it has been already. But...running away isn't going to get me anywhere, and certainly won't get me where God wants me to be. I don't want to disobey God. I want to follow Him, I want to know His plan for me. And with His help, I want to live out my life according to His plan and purpose for me. He promises me in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has plans to prosper me, not to harm me...to give me a future filled with hope (NET).
So, this is my revelation...that I'm a remnant. I don't belong because I'm not supposed to belong. That the Jews and the Gentiles WILL see a time of harmony, true harmony and where we will ALL see God, see His truth and have the eternal life He promised us all. It started with the Jews, it will end with the Jews, but only after the full number of Gentiles have come in. God's promise is being fulfilled, right now, and I'm a part of that as a Jewish believer. And you are a part of that, as a Jew, as a Gentile, as a non-believer. We are ALL part of God's plan, we're all His children. Look, listen, and follow the path He has laid out for you. Believe. Hope. Have faith. I think I'm starting to have all these things. It's a process and some days are easier than others. This is my journey. Come along with me for the ride!!
Thank you God for answering my prayer in such a powerful, personal way this week. You are so faithful and I am so humbled that You would choose to reveal Your truth to me. I pray that You will give me the eyes to see, the mind to know and the heart to understand what your plan is for me and that You will give me the courage and the strength and the wisdom to follow the path You lay before me. In Jesus' name. Amen.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Heartbroken...
I've been reading stuff (big surprise) this week. I finished reading "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis - GREAT book by the way! But I also started searching around online for stuff. I just have so much that I want to know and understand...so sometimes I'll search my Bible app for a particular "keyword" and then I'll start reading something, and then I'll have questions, so I'll go online searching for answers, explanations, etc. Sometimes I find good stuff, sometimes I find stuff that starts my mind down the path of doubt. This week brought a little of both.
Here's what this week also brought...alot of heartache over something that really has been bothering me, upsetting me, frustrating me...for a while. It's the whole separation of Judaism and Christianity. The history - there's so much history - of persecution, animocity...that has dragged both Judaism and Christianity through the mud so to speak. We're not really supposed to be these two separate religions! I'm having a really really hard time with this because if it had worked out as it was supposed to have worked out - then there'd be no problem with telling my family I believe in Jesus and the New Testament, cus they would too! We would ALL be celebrating and cherishing the same stuff!!! I found a website that had a lot of really good stuff about this issue and I wanted to share it with whoever out there might be reading my blog. I hope you'll take some time to read this! Would love to read your comments/feedback.
http://www.hebrew4christians.com/Articles/Christendom/christendom.html
As a side note, I think a big reason for why this separation is so heartbreaking for me is that I really don't know where I belong. I mean, I know I belong to God - and my Bible study group makes me feel like I "belong" to/with them, but I am struggling with where I belong as far as in my communal religious life. I have been going to church for quite some time, and I really do like it and I feel...I guess fairly comfortable there, but not completely...I feel like it's missing it's Hebrew/Jewish roots. I mean I know that "the church" is primarily made up of gentile believers who weren't Jewish to begin with, but they were supposed to be "grafted in" to the Jewish faith, not set apart from it. I go to synagogue sometimes and have that "familiar" feeling and comfort because that's how/where I grew up, but I don't feel completely comfortable there either...because there they ONLY live in the Old Testament and don't see, understand or believe in the New Testament and in Jesus as the Messiah. I know there are "messianic" temples - which are mostly Jews who have come to believe in Jesus and the New Testament...and to be fair, I haven't actually gone to a service there - but I'm not really sure that would be my answer either. I want Jews and Christians to come together, truly come together, as we were meant to be. The Christians have much to learn and gain from the Jews and the Jews have much to learn and gain from the Christians. This is what I want, and probably will never see in my lifetime. In the meantime, I hope, I pray, and I am heartbroken.
Here's what this week also brought...alot of heartache over something that really has been bothering me, upsetting me, frustrating me...for a while. It's the whole separation of Judaism and Christianity. The history - there's so much history - of persecution, animocity...that has dragged both Judaism and Christianity through the mud so to speak. We're not really supposed to be these two separate religions! I'm having a really really hard time with this because if it had worked out as it was supposed to have worked out - then there'd be no problem with telling my family I believe in Jesus and the New Testament, cus they would too! We would ALL be celebrating and cherishing the same stuff!!! I found a website that had a lot of really good stuff about this issue and I wanted to share it with whoever out there might be reading my blog. I hope you'll take some time to read this! Would love to read your comments/feedback.
http://www.hebrew4christians.com/Articles/Christendom/christendom.html
As a side note, I think a big reason for why this separation is so heartbreaking for me is that I really don't know where I belong. I mean, I know I belong to God - and my Bible study group makes me feel like I "belong" to/with them, but I am struggling with where I belong as far as in my communal religious life. I have been going to church for quite some time, and I really do like it and I feel...I guess fairly comfortable there, but not completely...I feel like it's missing it's Hebrew/Jewish roots. I mean I know that "the church" is primarily made up of gentile believers who weren't Jewish to begin with, but they were supposed to be "grafted in" to the Jewish faith, not set apart from it. I go to synagogue sometimes and have that "familiar" feeling and comfort because that's how/where I grew up, but I don't feel completely comfortable there either...because there they ONLY live in the Old Testament and don't see, understand or believe in the New Testament and in Jesus as the Messiah. I know there are "messianic" temples - which are mostly Jews who have come to believe in Jesus and the New Testament...and to be fair, I haven't actually gone to a service there - but I'm not really sure that would be my answer either. I want Jews and Christians to come together, truly come together, as we were meant to be. The Christians have much to learn and gain from the Jews and the Jews have much to learn and gain from the Christians. This is what I want, and probably will never see in my lifetime. In the meantime, I hope, I pray, and I am heartbroken.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
God and the Devil...and stuff
So my 8 year old son and I had a pretty intense conversation the other day. He's got a lot of questions about God, always has. I have struggled alot with how to answer some of his questions. He tells me that he prays about stuff, sometimes literally crying to God to help him with things, and that God doesn't answer him. It's really hard to explain to an 8 year old that God really is hearing his prayers and He really does care, but that sometimes not answering our prayers actually IS answering our prayers. Confusing, yep. Even to me - I've been struggling with this myself. But, what if a "no" about one thing means a "yes" to something better for us? What if God is actually protecting us from something worse by not helping us with something else? So, I spent a few minutes trying to explain THAT to him - which was difficult and he still just doesn't understand why God can't simply make everything better for everyone, because hello, he's GOD.
Then I started talking about sin, and the devil and how God never wanted all these bad things to happen to people, but He gave us free will and He's kind of just letting us figure things out and wants very much for us to believe in and follow Him, but that He will not FORCE us to. In the beginning, Adam and Eve were tempted in the Garden of Eden by the devil, and ever since then, we have sinned. Even though God doesn't really like us to sin or want us to sin, He wants us to realize our need for Him to help us turn from it. He's also made a way for us to be forgiven of our sin through the ultimate holy sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. It seems the devil (a fallen Angel who wanted to BE God) has established a permanent residence on earth, and God is allowing him to tempt us, just as he allowed him to tempt Jesus. Here's the really cool part...WE are actually the ones that can give the devil his power or take it away. This is where my conversation with my son got really intense. Trying to explain the temptations of the devil, such as fear, doubt, greed, power...there are tons of ways that the devil tries to trip us up and get us to follow him instead of God. It is a constant, relentless pursuit of our hearts and our minds, our bodies and our souls. We are not perfect, and it is so easy to sin because it gives us what we think we want...pleasure, possessions, passion, money, health, etc...the list goes on and on. Everything that is temporal and temporary can be ours - for a price. I'm not saying that all things of this life are bad for us. But if we focus too much on those things and not enough on God...and if we don't rely on, pray to, believe in and follow God, these things can overtake us and thus, sin.
So these are concepts that really weren't taught in my Jewish upbringing. My mom always said we don't believe in the devil or hell. Funny thing though, if you read the Old Testament, there's a WHOLE lot of stuff about the devil. Just do a search for the word "evil" in your phone's Bible app. There's about a bazillion references to the "evil one" in the Old Testament. So, um, who's the evil one if it's not the devil? Through my reading, through my bible studies, through my conversations with my girlfriends, I think I have come to a fairly decent understanding of the devil. I also think I've come to a fairly decent understanding of God. I have struggled with the whole idea of the devil because of my upbringing, but I think I'm finally starting to get it. We are sinners, tempted by the devil to commit sins of the mind, body, heart and soul...and God had given us multiple opportunities, signs and wonders to try to get us to turn from sin (Old Testament). We didn't turn from sin, and we think since there's no way for us to be perfect, we can't turn from sin...so we either keep on sinning, ignoring God, or we really try to do things (good deeds, following religious laws, etc) to "impress" God and earn favor with Him. The heart is the key. If the mouth speaks words and the body does actions that give the illusion that we are following God, but we don't feel it in our hearts, then it's almost just as bad as blatantly sinning. The answer...Jesus. The single, holy, perfect sacrifice that God made on our behalf so that we could be forgiven our sins, past, present and future and that by following God..truly following God, we will WANT to do and speak the things of love that God is all about. The devil will always pursue us and will try to drive a wedge between us and our relationship with God. But we can take away his power. We have the Holy Spirit available to intervene, guide and protect us and keep us on a path away from sin and toward the light of God.
As for me, I'm trying to head towards the light. I don't do it perfectly, and I'm sure I never will...but I can feel the change in my heart and it's awesome and way better than anything I could get from the devil. It gives me a sense of peace, of gratitude and of love that I never imagined I could have. Even though I still haven't told my family about my faith, I'm still able to find some of that peace I was referring to in a post a few months back. I know that the guilt I have about Jesus vs. Judaism is the devil trying to get me to turn back. The reality is, it's not Jesus vs. Judaism, it's God vs. the devil.
Then I started talking about sin, and the devil and how God never wanted all these bad things to happen to people, but He gave us free will and He's kind of just letting us figure things out and wants very much for us to believe in and follow Him, but that He will not FORCE us to. In the beginning, Adam and Eve were tempted in the Garden of Eden by the devil, and ever since then, we have sinned. Even though God doesn't really like us to sin or want us to sin, He wants us to realize our need for Him to help us turn from it. He's also made a way for us to be forgiven of our sin through the ultimate holy sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. It seems the devil (a fallen Angel who wanted to BE God) has established a permanent residence on earth, and God is allowing him to tempt us, just as he allowed him to tempt Jesus. Here's the really cool part...WE are actually the ones that can give the devil his power or take it away. This is where my conversation with my son got really intense. Trying to explain the temptations of the devil, such as fear, doubt, greed, power...there are tons of ways that the devil tries to trip us up and get us to follow him instead of God. It is a constant, relentless pursuit of our hearts and our minds, our bodies and our souls. We are not perfect, and it is so easy to sin because it gives us what we think we want...pleasure, possessions, passion, money, health, etc...the list goes on and on. Everything that is temporal and temporary can be ours - for a price. I'm not saying that all things of this life are bad for us. But if we focus too much on those things and not enough on God...and if we don't rely on, pray to, believe in and follow God, these things can overtake us and thus, sin.
So these are concepts that really weren't taught in my Jewish upbringing. My mom always said we don't believe in the devil or hell. Funny thing though, if you read the Old Testament, there's a WHOLE lot of stuff about the devil. Just do a search for the word "evil" in your phone's Bible app. There's about a bazillion references to the "evil one" in the Old Testament. So, um, who's the evil one if it's not the devil? Through my reading, through my bible studies, through my conversations with my girlfriends, I think I have come to a fairly decent understanding of the devil. I also think I've come to a fairly decent understanding of God. I have struggled with the whole idea of the devil because of my upbringing, but I think I'm finally starting to get it. We are sinners, tempted by the devil to commit sins of the mind, body, heart and soul...and God had given us multiple opportunities, signs and wonders to try to get us to turn from sin (Old Testament). We didn't turn from sin, and we think since there's no way for us to be perfect, we can't turn from sin...so we either keep on sinning, ignoring God, or we really try to do things (good deeds, following religious laws, etc) to "impress" God and earn favor with Him. The heart is the key. If the mouth speaks words and the body does actions that give the illusion that we are following God, but we don't feel it in our hearts, then it's almost just as bad as blatantly sinning. The answer...Jesus. The single, holy, perfect sacrifice that God made on our behalf so that we could be forgiven our sins, past, present and future and that by following God..truly following God, we will WANT to do and speak the things of love that God is all about. The devil will always pursue us and will try to drive a wedge between us and our relationship with God. But we can take away his power. We have the Holy Spirit available to intervene, guide and protect us and keep us on a path away from sin and toward the light of God.
As for me, I'm trying to head towards the light. I don't do it perfectly, and I'm sure I never will...but I can feel the change in my heart and it's awesome and way better than anything I could get from the devil. It gives me a sense of peace, of gratitude and of love that I never imagined I could have. Even though I still haven't told my family about my faith, I'm still able to find some of that peace I was referring to in a post a few months back. I know that the guilt I have about Jesus vs. Judaism is the devil trying to get me to turn back. The reality is, it's not Jesus vs. Judaism, it's God vs. the devil.
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