The most Amazing God!!!

I believe. I do. Sometimes I stress and feel guilt over my Jewish friends and my family and how disappointed they are in me, and because of that, I feel like I'm trying to seek their approval over God's.

Today, a series of absolutely amazing things happened that can ONLY have been orchestrated by God. I know. I will attempt to explain but there's no way I can truly put this into words.

First, my SISTERS class at church meets on Sunday's after the service during discipleship hour. We have used this hour to learn, share, pray, bond and so much more. The wonderful woman who leads this class prays about what is next for our class and for the summer, she needed a break from teaching. She asked us each to pick a week to share our story or something that's going on in our lives. The parameter gave us is that it needs to be tied somehow to a scripture verse or something in the Bible. I volunteered to take the first Sunday of this "series" which was today. Ironically, this weekend is the 33rd anniversary of my Bat Mitzvah. Friday night June 24th 1983, I recited a Torah portion that I had studied and practiced for more than a year in Hebrew. It was from the book of Micah, and specifically in my speech that night, I spoke about Micah 6:8:

No, O people, the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.

Here is a picture of the main part of the speech, which my Dad helped me write:

I also passed my Baptism speech around the room and each lady read part of it. You can read that on my blog post entitled "I've Been Dunked" from November 2014.

Ok, rewind just a little bit...(sorry, I'm feeling this overwhelming urgency right now to write this post so I am trying to keep my typing and brain in sync somehow). If you've read my blog, you know that one of the biggest struggles I've had with this whole following Jesus thing has been the disappointment, disapproval, etc of my family and Jewish friends. So, this has really been weighing on me a lot lately and I want to shout and share my faith with everyone, everywhere without fear of disapproval.

Songs at church today: Amazing Grace and a few others, all making me think about how I'm supposed to be free from the chains because I believe, but I still feel chained because I don't feel free to share with EVERYONE. Then, sermon today...scripture in sermon. Galatians 1:10 and Galatians 2:20 - for easy reference:

Galatians 1:10 (NLT) 10 Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.

Galatians 2:20 (NLT) 20 My old self has been crucified with Christ.[a] It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

So, then I went to SISTERS class and talked about my Bat Mitzvah, about Micah 6:8, we read my Baptism speech...I talked about the songs and the sermon today and how crazy it was that it all just tied right in to all that I've been feeling and going through and how hard it is to have my family so disappointed in me, especially my mom. It was a great class, the ladies are amazing, understanding, supportive, they love me, I love them. I believe God has brought these people into my life for a reason, or rather me into theirs. Ok - fast forward...

I go to pick up my mom after church to take her to visit a relative of ours that is dying of cancer (which is super hard because I LOVE this woman so much, but I totally believe in heaven and I know she's going there which gives me some peace)...anyway, a friend of mine, a really good friend, who I go to church with and who was in the SISTERS class today and who got choked up reading the part of my speech that she was reading and who I have come to know pretty well and love to pieces and can totally see Jesus in her all the time...she texts me while we are driving. My mom, who is always on heightened alert to the phone, wonders if that's someone texting me and wants to know who it is. I tell her my friend's name that texted. She asked if she knows this friend, I say no, she asks if I know her from nursing school, I say no...from church. It, by the way, is hard for me to even talk about church at all with my mom, even though I know that she knows that I go it's still just an awkward thing to bring up.

I know I'm babbling but I truly feel this urgency to get this all out and right now, when I should be in bed since I have to work tomorrow and have a full day.

My mom says to me...my MOM. The one who is incredibly disappointed that I believe in Jesus, who is always making comments about how uncomfortable some people in her apartment building make her feel when they talk about the Bible (New Testament), Jesus, Christianity, etc....which then makes ME feel uncomfortable because, hello - I'm one of those people - says to me (I'm still in shock and disbelief) - "maybe I can go with you to church sometime so I can see what it's like. After all, you go to synagogue with me sometimes." WHAT? WHAT? MY MOTHER, who feels incredibly uncomfortable when people mention the name Jesus, the New Testament, church or anything about it, I mean VERY UNCOMFORTABLE, just asked me if she can go to church with me sometime????????????? WHAT?

I actually feel paralyzed, stunned, in shock ... all I can do tonight is have tears flow out of my eyes and down my cheek and wonder how this amazing God that I believe in but still maybe don't believe that He really wants to be INTIMATELY involved with MY life...how He can make MY MOTHER want to step foot into a church. And...there's more. Because when God is trying to get a message across, He does a series of things to make me realize that it's Him...

When I texted my friend that texted me in the car...that my mother just said she thought maybe she could go to church with me sometime...texted this back to me "Omw (which means, oh my word), Praise the Lord! My heart prayed that prayer for her today in class. " WHAT??????????????? GOD IS...WOW.

People...whoever is reading this. I am telling you right now that God is REAL. Jesus loves you...everything about you. He cares deeply and intimately for you and all He wants from you is YOU. A relationship with Him. Without fear. Without worrying about approval from man, but only caring about His approval. To trust Him...completely. To be yourself, share your stuff, speak His word, and let Him deal with the way others react. Wait, there's more...

I had to call/tell a couple other friends. I called one - the one from nursing school who really helped to spark my interest in finding out the truth...and after we hung up the phone, she just happened to be reading this and sent me a picture of this page:

Lord, I thank You - for loving me. For showing me that You are REAL. For reminding me that You care intimately about my life and that Your ways are far far beyond my understanding, but that I can and should trust You. I thank you for the ways that You show up in my life in mind blowing ways. I pray that I can have the guts to bring my Mom to church and that I can feel more free to share You with everyone, without fear. I pray that I can be bold like David when facing Goliath. I pray that You will continue to do Your amazing, yet painful work in my heart and my life to transform me into the image of Your son. In Jesus name, I praise and thank You!

Loving the Unlovable

43 “You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. 44 But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! 45 In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. 46 If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. 47 If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. 48 But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect. Matthew 5:43-48 NLT

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about this concept of loving EVERYONE. It's become really easy to love the unlovable that are "out there." The marginalized. It's easy to show love to the clerk at the store, the homeless people I see on the streets, my patients, people at church, parents of my kids friends, 500+ "friends" on Facebook...

What I'm finding to be extremely difficult though, is to love those close to me that hurt me. Especially repeat offenders. Especially those who don't seem to love or care about themselves. Especially those that don't seem to love me back. Jesus says that we shouldn't only love those who love us, but that we are to love perfectly, like our Father in heaven. Jesus knows that this isn't easy. Look at some of the people He loved...tax collectors, sinners, prostitutes, disfigured, the mentally unstable, possessed, homeless, outcasts. These were people that were the marginalized. It may have been easy, though unfathomable to the religious leaders of the time, for Jesus to love these people. They weren't really close to Him. They weren't in his "inner circle." Then there was Judas. This was someone in His circle...one of His closest friends, one of the 12 original disciples that He brought to Himself to show "the way." Judas was to betray Jesus and hand Him over to the Romans and Pharisees for money. On the very night Judas was to betray Jesus, Jesus washed his feet. He got on his hands and knees and scrubbed the dirty, stinky feet of a man He loved dearly, who was about to hand Him over to die a criminal's death. How do you love someone that betrays you? This is what I have been struggling with for quite some time and what's been on my heart and mind and what I feel that God is speaking to me about lately. So, here I am...sharing it with all 2 or 3 of you who read this blog. Thanks for letting me vent!

With people who have betrayed me, been unkind, hurt me over and over...I have asked God to change them, change their hearts and to make them see the error of their ways. I've even asked Him to release me from some of those relationships because they are too hard and hurt too much. I've had others ask me why I stay in these relationships, many have flat out said that I should just walk away. I'd probably tell myself to walk away if I were someone else. What I've been finding out is that God has been more interested in changing me than those I've asked Him to change. I honestly feel like He's trying to teach me how to love the way He spoke about in the verses above. Sacrificial love. Unconditional love. Perfect love. Loving without being loved in return. Humanly speaking, this has been IMPOSSIBLE for me to do. But as I have learned to truly receive the perfect love that God gives me, I am finding that with Him, it is becoming possible. It's truly mind boggling to me. It's not just actions devoid of emotions. It's not just emotions devoid of action. It's a combination of empathy, love, actions and words. It's learning to trust not in others, but in Him. It's learning to humble myself, to open myself, to be incredibly vulnerable when I'd previously just shut down, lash out or try to pretend things didn't bother me. I wouldn't say that it's easy. I am in a constant war between my human flesh and human emotions and the supernatural help of the Spirit that lives in me. By the worlds standards, I don't "deserve" to be treated the way I've been treated and I "deserve" to be happy and walking away is the only thing that makes sense. God is teaching me that those who live in darkness need light, not more darkness. He has called me to be the light. So the light I'm trying to be. I have absolutely no way to know what this will lead to. It could lead to devastating loss, it could lead to incomprehensible happiness, it might even never be resolved in my lifetime. All I know is that it's what I'm called to do, and I want to be obedient.

I'm not saying that it's ok for me to be treated poorly. It's not ok for anyone to be treated poorly. As Jesus showed us...it's ok to hate the sin, but we are to love the sinner. I don't know about you, but it's really hard for me to separate the sin from the sinner. I've often wondered how it's possible for a family who has lost a son or daughter to a senseless murder to go on TV and say that they have forgiven the person that murdered their loved one that they feel love for them and that they pray for them. Those people clearly have the love of God living in them and they have learned to receive it and to be obedient to Jesus' call to love their enemies and love those who persecute them. Jesus, hanging on the cross, in immense pain and suffocating to death...said “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34 (NLT). He was showing love to the very people who were KILLING Him! How on earth did He do that? How does anyone do that? It can only be explained by accepting the perfect love of the Father and then allowing that love to pour out of us in a way that is not comprehensible to the human mind.

One thing I've realized is that withholding love comes from fear. It's the fear of being rejected and not loved in return that keeps us from experiencing and giving love. John does an awesome job of explaining this in 1 John chapter 4:

Loving One Another
7 Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God.
8 But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.
9 God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him.
10 This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.
11 Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other.
12 No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.
13 And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us.
14 Furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent his Son to be the Savior of the world.
15 All who declare that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God.
16 We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them.
17 And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.
18 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. 19 We love each other because he loved us first.

Lord, I want to love perfectly, because You love me perfectly. I do not want to allow bitterness, resentment, jealousy or fear to prevent me from loving others the way that You have called me to love. It's impossible for me to love this way without Your help. Please help me not only to love well, but to have the discernment to know when to love up close and when to love from afar. I pray for wisdom to know when to stay and when to walk away. I pray that in all I do and in all I say, I glorify You by loving the way you have loved me and that at the end of my earthly life, I can say that I at least loved well...even if that love was never returned to me here. I want YOUR love to permeate me so much that it just flows out of me to everyone I come into contact with...from the marginalized to those in my "inner circle." I pray all this in the name of Your perfect Son. Amen.

A Lamp on a Stand

Matthew was a dishonest Jewish tax collector named Levi before Jesus chose him as a disciple, one of the twelve. Matthew went on to write his Gospel account specifically tailored to the Jews to present their hoped-for Messiah to them in ways that would answer their questions. While I love all of the Gospel accounts, I am particularly intrigued by Matthew's, both as a Jew and a follower of Jesus. In chapter 5, which also contains the "Beatitudes" ...totally worth reading and understanding, Matthew talks about something that I have been struggling with since I started this faith journey.

13 “You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless.

14 “You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. 15 No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. Matthew 5:13-15 New Living Translation (NLT)

In the beginning of my journey when I was REALLY believing this stuff in the New Testament, not just in theory, but trying to figure out how to put what I believed into practice, I had a very hard time with Verse 15 in particular. Why? Because I was a Jew who believed in Jesus as the Messiah, which goes against what I grew up learning and believing and goes against what my family and Jewish friends believe. Inside, I wanted to shout it from the mountaintops that Jesus is Lord. I wanted to put my light on the stand instead of hiding it under the basket. But outside, I felt tremendous amounts of shame and guilt not only in saying it out loud, but believing what I believed. I felt such a tremendous rub between honoring and respecting my people and wearing my faith on my sleeve. When I go back and read some of my earlier posts, the intense feelings of guilt come rushing back into my body like a tidal wave - I literally can still feel how I felt. It basically felt that (pardon the verbiage) I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. I felt like no matter what I did, I'd be disappointing someone. Either God or my family...or both.

I still do live in this rub, it's just not as intense as it was back then. I have "come out" to my family about my beliefs, although most of my Jewish friends still don't know. I have told many other people about my beliefs and I am fairly open about my faith with my patients, co-workers, Christian friends, gentile friends and even strangers. I still don't have the courage to wear a cross in public or display any in my home (mostly because of the unfortunate correlation to anti Semitism and my mom's very STRONG insistence that she never sees me wear one or display one...or pictures of Jesus...or other Christian symbols, on myself, my kids or my home). Now, I know that I'm an adult and that I have the right to do what I want to and that I shouldn't allow what others think to change who I am or how I live my life. However, when you already know that you've upset/disappointed people (especially your mother), and you know they don't want to hear about or talk about or see you waving that flag in their faces, because you know it's like pouring salt into an open wound...and when you know that God wants you to honor your parents...it makes it pretty difficult to really be true to who you are without offending those you love.

I'm a little bit of a social media junky. I freely admit my Facebook addiction. There are MANY ways and reasons that a follower of Christ should either avoid it, or at the least be very very careful and intentional about it's use. It is a distraction from God, from family and friends (real life relationships), can be a form of selfish ambition, of idolatry, of bullying, etc. I have struggled with what to post, how much to post, who I should or shouldn't include in my messages...I have feared upsetting people or offending or excluding...I have spent WAY too much time browsing posts and "liking" and commenting, and taking quizzes, and looking at pictures (and posting pictures, just ask my kids and husband). On the flip side, though, I have seen Facebook be like a stand where people can shine the light of Jesus to the masses. I have seen others post Christian song lyrics, images, bible verses, devotional readings and many stories of faith. I have seen how powerful social media can be in spreading evil AND of spreading good. So, in my "rub" between living my faith out loud and not wanting to offend my people...I have been afraid to "like" some of the good God stuff I've seen posted, I've been afraid to "share" all of the good things I see and believe and read and listen to.

The stronger my faith has become and the deeper my love of Christ has become rooted in my heart, the more bold I have been, especially on social media. I have been "liking" God stuff for a while, Jesus stuff only recently, and sometimes I even "share" stuff publically that is at least loosely associated with a belief in God. I finally made a decision this past weekend to create a group on Facebook initially entitled "Believers" - but since changed to "Soul Food." This is a place where I can freely share my faith with a large group of people. It's a "secret" group, which means that only those I invite to be "members" can see and post. I started out just inviting a small group of people, then I kept adding and adding more from my extensive list of Facebook friends, until I got up to 180 people. I feel good about this group and that it's been sparking some good conversation and hopefully planting a few seeds of faith in the lives of other people who may not fully believe. I also feel bad and ashamed of myself that I'm not courageous enough to make it public. It is my hope, desire and prayer that God will continue to work in me to become more and more bold and less and less concerned about offending others. It is really not easy, but I feel like this "secret" group is a step in the direction that I'd like to be heading in. So, my lamp is still partially hidden under the basket, but also partially up on a stand. It's definitely reaching more now than ever in my faith journey...and it's also definitely no where near where I hope it will be.

Jesus, I pray for Your strength and the confident faith I to boldly proclaim who YOU are to anyone and everyone. I want to be the salt and the light. I want to do everything both in word and deed to bring glory to You. I know You understand how I feel, as You were rejected by Your own people, You offended Your own family and Jewish people to bring the Good News to the world. I know that Your grace and mercy will cover me whether I hide my lamp under a basket or proudly display it on a table. I know that You have the patience to wait for me to do Your will on earth, but I also know what You want me to do. I pray that I will continue to listen and obey Your instruction and I pray that You go before me to soften the hearts and open the minds of those who will be most offended by my proclamation of faith. I pray that You will give me the right words and actions at the right times to speak Your truth in love and to show others who You are by how I live. I love You and I thank you for Your goodness and faithfulness. Amen.

When Faith meets the FIRE

It's time to be real here...saying one has faith and trust in God is one thing. But actually living out faith and trust in real life is quite another. When you are in the middle of the fire, it's super hard to be patient, to trust, to love. I'm about to get personal here...which I have been to some degree in past blogs, but this is SUPER personal. So, for the 2 of you who read this blog, and you probably already know this personal stuff anyway, here goes! ;)

My marriage has been in turmoil for MANY years. I almost got divorced this past summer. When I say almost, I mean I literally signed the papers and they had been sent to a judge on a Tuesday afternoon. According to my attorney, they should have been served by the end of the week. When Friday came and I hadn't heard anything, I contacted her. She was shocked that the papers hadn't even been signed by the judge yet. I asked God what in the world was He trying to tell me. I felt like God was asking me to wait and to let Him work in my marriage. SO I cancelled the papers. I am not going to tell you that my marriage is awesome. It's far from that. However, I have seen God working. I have been praying for years for God to change my husband's heart. I've been praying sporadically (although not whole heartedly) for God to change mine. I have been trying (although not whole heartedly) to trust God and to be patient. IT.IS.HARD. This is where my faith and trust have been tested the most recently. I think other than "coming out" to my family about believing in Jesus, this is the one area that it has been the most difficult to actually live out my faith and trust.

It's way easier to trust and have faith when things are going well in our lives. It's way easier to be thankful and praise God when we're getting what we want, feeling good, rolling along in life. But I have been in the fire. In the pit. Loneliness has consumed me. Bitterness and resentment have had their hooks in my heart for a long time. Pain has been unbearable at times. I have become someone that I don't believe God intended me to be. It's like being chained up in a dark prison. Paul suffered in prison, He was chained. He could have easily allowed bitterness, resentment, loneliness and pain to consume Him. But he didn't. He prayed, He trusted, He continued to spread the Good News to anyone and everyone that He possibly could. He lived out His faith and trust chained to a dirty, cold, dark prison floor. He lived in such a way that anyone who saw him saw God. His faith met the fire and didn't allow it to consume him and change him. This verse has been one to hold onto for me...

Isaiah 43:2 New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

My faith has been meeting the fire quite a bit recently in my marriage. I have, thanks be to God, been able to walk through the fire with grace, with some degree of peace, with mercy - admittedly not always, and certainly it's NOT been easy - but more than I have ever been able to before, because I'm allowing God to change me. Change is hard, but it has to start with me. If we wait around for someone else to change before we will...then we're allowing the fire to consume us. It was consuming me. Some days, it still is to some degree. But I have to push back against it, and do something different. I can't continue to live in the same cycle of turmoil and expect a different result. The change in my words, actions and reactions has led to some change in my spouse...and I think even in my boys. I have NO idea what's on the other side of the trust and faith I'm putting into God regarding my marriage. I haven't had hope in this marriage in a very long time. I'm not sure I do now either, but I have hope in God. I want to continue to live the way Jesus taught us to live. To serve, to love. It's totally counter cultural and counter intuitive for us to serve and love someone that is causing us so much pain. It's what we're supposed to do though. It's how we get set apart as children of God, as followers of Jesus. It's how other people see HIM. The way we treat others...toilet cleaners, spouses, kids, drive through workers, CEO's, famous people...we are to ALWAYS be the hands and feet of Jesus. Sometimes we can treat everyone else well except. Except our spouse, except our kids, except our parents, except a certain group of people, except that one person that has always treated us poorly. Paul says WHATEVER we do, we're do it in the name of Jesus...

Colossians 3:17 New International Version (NIV): 17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Lord I pray that You will keep me strong while I walk through this fire. Marriage is SUPER hard and you know that mine has been very difficult and very unhealthy for so long. I know that you have a plan that is greater than I can see. I want to continue to follow You, I want to trust and have faith that goes beyond my human understanding and do what's right, even if it's hard. I know that change has to start with me and I am so grateful that You are changing my heart. It's been difficult and painful and sometimes I just want to stop trying so hard, to give up the fight...but thanks to Your love and Your word and the work You are doing in me, I am making it through, one day at a time, one minute at a time. I'm sorry that there are times I lose my patience, I don't have grace or I slip back into old patterns. I'm human, and I'm a work in progress. Father, YOU are the potter, and I am the clay. I pray You will continue to shape me into the woman you have created me to be, so that in ALL I do and say, others will see YOU. I pray that You will continue to work in my husband's heart and that You will draw him to You. His disbelief in you is very difficult for me to deal with and it many times allows me to be discouraged and lose faith. I KNOW that with You, ALL things are possible. So I put my trust in You, today, in this moment...and I pray that I will have the strength to give you the next moment and the next day, one at a time until Your work in me and Your work in my marriage is complete. Thank You God for knowing what's best for me and for keeping me on the path that You have laid out for me. In the name of Jesus, I pray for my continued obedience to Your will in my life. Amen.

A fish swimming against the current

The idea for this post came to me this morning, when I was texting with a friend before church about how overwhelmed I feel sometimes that I know Jesus. The thing is, the Jews aren't really supposed to know yet. They had their chance first but they rejected Him as the Messiah because He didn't fit the mold of what they thought the Messiah would be. I don't understand why I get to know now. Sometimes I feel like I have all this pressure on me because I do know...and I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to do with it.

I mean, I feel very blessed that I get to know Jesus. I can't imagine going back to not knowing. It's just hard because I feel alone in this. Not that I don't have amazingly supportive friends on this journey, because I do and I'm so very grateful for them. It's just the part about being a Jew and the other Jews not knowing and that feeling of guilt because I'm going against the grain of what I was raised to believe. I told my friend that I feel like a fish swimming against the current, if that makes sense. Then I thought, hey this could be my next blog post...

I decided to look up a little information on fish. First of all, there are lots of references to fish in the bible. You had Jonah who was in the belly of a fish; Jesus' first disciples who were fisherman; the boy who had a couple fish that Jesus used to feed 5,000 people. I typed the word "fish" into the Bible Gateway website and there are 75 references to fish or fishing in the NLT version. I guess you could say the bible is kinda fishy (pun intended). I figured that when I was thinking I felt like a fish swimming against the current, I was in a minority. Turns out that while many fish do just go with the flow of the current, there are also lots of fish that swim against it. Some may swim to stay facing the current in one spot so they can gobble up some grub that comes their way. Some migrate upstream to lay eggs or return home. There are fish that swim in "schools" and fish that just kinda hang out doing their own thing. I was actually kind of surprised about the "current" theory being blown out of the water (another pun). As I pondered this more and read more, I realized that even though many fish DO swim against the current, it's really not all that easy, even for the fish that were designed to swim that way. So basically, while swimming against the current is more common than I initially thought, it is still difficult and requires a considerable amount of effort and energy.

Here's how I think I'd feel if I were a fish swimming against the current. I'd be huffing and puffing my way, fighting against the current, watching all of these other fish literally just float on by with the stream, enjoying their little fish lives and being able to hang out with their fish friends and just have an easy, chillaxing ride to wherever the current took them. I think I'd be kinda jealous of those other fish. I think I'd wish I could just take the easy stream too and stop having to fight so hard to swim upstream. But here's something else I'd think. I'd think I was actually accomplishing something. I would think that I was stronger than those fish. I think I would appreciate my destination a whole lot more because of how hard I had to work to get there. AH HA. I'm having a moment here. (This is what happens when I just start typing without really knowing where I'm going).

This is making me think about a story. When I was a kid, I didn't care much about school. I was just kind of floating along but never really worked hard, I just did what I had to do to get by and my grades reflected that. When my family moved far away just before my senior year of high school, I actually worked harder in school, because frankly, I didn't really have anything better to do. About 3 weeks into the school year, my Government teacher called me up to the front of the class to talk with him at his desk. I had NO idea what I had done wrong but I was so nervous. I got up there and he said something to me that I had never heard before, nor had I ever thought about myself...he said that I was too smart for his class and that I belonged in Honors Government. What? So, now I had a choice, I could stay in regular Government and just float along and be "smarter" than most, or I could swim upstream in an Honors class with kids that were WAY smarter than me and try something harder than I had ever tried before. I could stay and get an easy "A" in Government, OR I could work super hard to maybe get a "B" in Honors. I guess that was the beginning of this fish swimming against the current. I went into the Honors class, I got a "B" but I learned a lot and I felt this certain sense of pride and accomplishment that I'm not sure I'd felt before.

Now that I'm REALLY thinking about this whole fish thing more...I'm realizing that ever since then, I have chosen to swim upstream many more times. I went to college, which I don't think I would have otherwise done. I worked so hard to get my degree, it was not easy for me and it took me over 8 years to finish. I had weight loss surgery and have been fighting really hard to lose a lot of weight and keep it off (unfortunately I've gained some of it back recently but I'm fighting to lose it again). About 8 years ago, I found myself applying to nursing school and swimming against some really serious currents to become a Registered Nurse. I've had so many opportunities to take the lazy river and something in me has pushed upstream instead. I'm realizing as I'm typing this post, that I have felt this immense sense of accomplishment every time I've gone against the current to do something that seemed and felt impossible. In this faith journey I'm on, I really do feel like I'm a fish swimming upstream. I am constantly fighting to follow Jesus in a world that's just floating along in the lazy river. It feels like a fight against the beliefs I was raised on, the people that I was born into, a fight against all of the people and things telling me it's ok to quit trying so hard and just go with the flow. It really is difficult. I still don't know why I was chosen to know Jesus before the rest of the Jews. It feels overwhelming to think about what I'm supposed to do with this knowledge. I'm scared, it's hard, and sometimes I truly do just want to hide in the belly of a fish.

My friend responded to my text this morning with this message: "I understand that feeling. You feel it for your fellow Jewish friends and family and Jews in general. I feel it for the general population that refuses to acknowledge the maker of our very being. Our job is to be the Light. To be an example of God's love and grace one person at a time. It's God's job to save them. He is the savior. We just need to be His hands and feet. One.Person.At.A.Time. That's all. It can be overwhelming to think about all that are not saved."

I think I finally understand this part of Paul's second letter to Timothy in Chapter 4:

I solemnly urge you in the presence of God and Christ Jesus, who will someday judge the living and the dead when he comes to set up his Kingdom: 2 Preach the word of God. Be prepared, whether the time is favorable or not. Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching.

3 For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear. 4 They will reject the truth and chase after myths.

5 But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don’t be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at telling others the Good News, and fully carry out the ministry God has given you.

6 As for me, my life has already been poured out as an offering to God. The time of my death is near. 7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. 8 And now the prize awaits me—the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing.

I am a fish swimming against the current. It is hard and sometimes I wish I were just floating along in the stream and sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with this fight and this journey to be the Light that I just want to quit. I know what awaits me on the other side of this journey and I want to keep swimming upstream. I want to finish the race, I want to remain faithful. I pray that day by day, Jesus will give me the direction and the strength to "keep on swimming" like Dori tells a group of fish caught in a net in "Finding Nemo." Freedom in Christ is what I'm fighting for. Peace is what I'm fighting for. Everyone to be saved and know Jesus is what I'm fighting for. I don't have to have it all figured out, I just have to keep swimming and trusting, one day at a time.

God I pray that You will give me the strength, the courage, the discernment and the obedience to continue swimming against the currents of this world. I pray that You will guide me day by day in what You want me to do just that day and that You will help with my moments of feeling so overwhelmed I just want to give up. Help me to move past my fears into faith and to continue to follow You regardless of what obstacles are in my way. I am truly in awe of You and Your grace and Your love and Your mercy. I am thankful and blessed to know You, and I am thankful and blessed for the people that You have placed in my life to support and encourage my journey. I might be one of only a few Jew fish swimming upstream, but there are some pretty amazing Christian fish swimming with me too and I am grateful that You give me what I need, when I need it...even when I don't know what I need. I love you and I praise You in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Tending your grass...

I was in the car line this afternoon waiting to pick my son up from middle school and I was chatting with a friend about something that I think we all struggle with. It's the whole idea of the "grass being greener on the other side." Let's face it, we've all wanted the grass on the other side. If we are single; we might want to be married, if we're married, we might want to be single...if we have an apartment, we might want a house...if we have an inflatable boat, we might want a yacht. We get jealous of what others have and we want what they have. There's always SOMETHING that someone has that we don't that we wish we did. It's so much in our nature, this whole jealousy thing, that God gave us a commandment that deals with this issue. This may sound familiar to you:

Exodus 20:17 New Living Translation (NLT)
17 “You must not covet your neighbor’s house. You must not covet your neighbor’s wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.”

In case you didn't understand the meaning of "covet" in this commandment, here it is:

cov·et: yearn to possess or have (something). "the president-elect covets time for exercise and fishing"
synonyms: desire, yearn for, crave, have one's heart set on, want, wish for, long for, hanker after/for, hunger after/for, thirst for "even with all they have, they covet the wealth of others"

So, now that we know what this means, here's what my thoughts are on the subject...in case anyone out there is actually reading my thoughts. In our world, especially in today's world, there is what appears to be "greener grass" EVERYWHERE. You have an iPhone 4 and your friend just got the iPhone 6, so now you want it too. You take your family to Omaha 3 hours away for an affordable vacation while you see pictures of your friend in St. Thomas with their spouse on a romantic getaway. Not only do we have greener grass everywhere, we can see it in pictures on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, You Tube...you get the idea. We have access multiple times a day to see glimpses of everyone's "greener grass" and we feel like we don't have enough, we aren't enough, we don't make enough money, we don't have enough stuff. So we tend to want to go after different grass because we think it's greener, rather than tending our own grass which has turned brown by this point because we're too busy looking at everyone else's grass. Does this make sense? It does in my mind so I'll try to make it make sense for the 2 of you reading this post.

Here's the problem, in my opinion. We are SO focused on what we don't have, that we don't really see, appreciate or take care of what we do have. In order for the grass to be green, we have to water the grass, we have to cut the grass, we might need to aerate, seed, pull weeds, and so on. The grass is NOT going to be green if we don't tend the grass. Let's face it, it's hard work to get the grass to be green and lush and beautiful. We are a world where instant gratification is what we know. We have no patience, we have no desire to really work at something. We prefer to take the easy way, we'd rather go through a fast food drive thru than spend 15-30 minutes preparing a meal at home. It's easier to walk away from a failing marriage than to put the hard work into making it better. We throw stuff away, we walk away, we "upgrade," we trade-in stuff for bigger or better or newer stuff. When our grass starts to turn brown or weeds start popping up, we just let it die, rather than trying to bring it back to life. It's a LOT of effort, it's too hard, and we don't have it in us to roll our sleeves up and get to work, so we just give up.

The thing that's really cool about God, is that He KNOWS how we are, He knows we covet, He knows we can't navigate this life on our own. He knows that we can't bring the dead to life. But He can. He has. He does. God gave us His word as our "life manual." Pretty much tells us how to do everything in that Bible on your shelf. He doesn't promise this life will be easy, but He does promise that He will be with us every step of the way. He is the way that our own grass can become green, even if it has turned brown and appears to be dead. By following Him, we can see the grass under our own feet, we can stop looking at everyone else's grass and ignoring ours. It's not easy, but it's possible.

Thanks be to God I do not have to figure out how to make my own grass green, Lord knows I'm not a green thumb! Thanks be to God I don't have to do all of this very hard work on my own. I do not have to covet, because I have Christ. By keeping my eyes on Jesus, I can learn to be grateful for what I have, rather than constantly yearn for what I don't have. I guarantee you this isn't easy. We are surrounded by greener grass all around us and it's so hard to not want it and to be content right where we are. Paul, who I first thought was an arrogant sexist, but have since come to deeply admire and strive to be like, says this in his letter to the Philippians in Chapter 4 (paraphrased in "The Message" by Eugene Peterson):

"I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."

Paul discovered that his own grass was enough for him, because of His relationship with Jesus. We need to stop looking at the grass on the other side and start tending our own grass with the help of the One that makes it green just because He's right beside us, right before us, right behind us, right in us. Thank you Jesus for helping me to see that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but it is green right where I stand because You are right with me and in me. I praise You for helping me to see this and to continue to follow Your lead in my life. It is not easy, especially in the world I live in. But You never said it would be easy...only that You would never leave me or forsake me. I love You more and more every day. Amen.

Giving up control

I'm just going to say it like it is. This whole following God journey is NOT easy. It's tough. I mean, I want to follow and I want to trust and I want to listen and obey. But it's HARD. I just want to take matters into my own hands even though God keeps telling me to trust Him. He keeps asking me to do things that I either truly don't want to do or that I just don't even know HOW I will do.

Yesterday morning, God and I had an interesting conversation in the shower. It was about something that's been weighing on my mind for a couple of months, if not longer. I had just finished reading some of the daily devotionals I read and in 3 separate devotionals the topic of tithing kept surfacing, which is what's been weighing on me. I went into the shower and had this little chat with God about it. It went something like this "God, I know I'm supposed to tithe and I want to and I know it's supposed to be 10%, I get that, but with the husband unemployed (again) and me paying for the family's health insurance now and all the bills I'm supposed to be paying, I just don't know how that's going to work." God: "do you trust me?" Me: "Um, really? Is that how we're going to do this? (Sigh) YES, I trust you." God: "then give the 10% and just see how I provide." Me: (panicking) "Really? Right now? Like go set up the auto donation through the church website and do this now, BEFORE I even know if my husband is going to get unemployment?" God: "Uh, ya now would be good." Me: "OK, FINE, I'M GOING TO TRUST YOU." Went to website, and it's down for 7 more days...satan trying to stop me from doing this, says a friend. Still, I will set it up and I have NO IDEA how this is going to work. I literally had around $13 from the last paycheck for almost a week before I got paid again this time. How on earth am I going to do this? Hard? UMMMM, YES. Freaking out. Trying not to freak out. I know this is what is right and I know that God is testing my faith. I even asked him at the end of all of this "HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE TESTING ME, HOW LONG AM I GOING TO BE GOING THROUGH THIS PRUNING PROCESS." And then God and I had a good chuckle while I said "I know, I know, pretty much for the rest of my life until I'm with you in heaven, right" God: "Right." HUGE SIGH.

I have plans, I have goals, I have things I want, I have things I don't want. God is really truly testing me lately, in many many areas of my life, not just financially. I literally feel like I'm walking through the fire. It's hot in here, just sayin. God wants me to wait on something and work on something that I've seriously just been done with and over for a long time. I have a right to be done. I would be justified to be done. But God says "NOPE, you need to trust me in this." So I am hanging in and waiting, and trusting and also crying and screaming and throwing a toddler style temper tantrum almost every day because I don't want to do this, it's TOO HARD!

I have thought about looking for another church that better suits my need for small groups / life groups and God says "NOPE, you stay where you are and you make your own group out of a group you're already a part of." I'm like, "really?" God: "YEP. Trust me." God tells me I'm supposed to help teach in this group on Sunday mornings. I say "REALLY? ME? WHY ME? I'm a Jew - I haven't even been in the church very long and I'm so not equipped to teach." God: "Yes, you, trust me." Me: "Ok, fine, I'll do it." Uncomfortable, yep.

God said it was time for me to be Baptized around this time last year, actually before then. I didn't want to. I tried to avoid, come up with excuses, etc. It was too hard...I'm a JEW. This is HARD. WHY? I can't begin to tell you how many signs I received confirming that it's what I was supposed to do. God was telling me, showing me, nudging, pushing. Not only did He want me to get Baptized, but He wanted me to get up in front of the entire congregation and tell my story...me, the introvert who HATES getting up in front of people to talk...dry mouth, sweaty pits, the whole thing, awful. Hate it! He told me to, so I did.

I KNOW in my heart and in my mind and in my soul that God is good and that He knows what's best for me and that He would never ask me to do something that ultimately wouldn't bring glory to Him and shape me into the woman He created me to be. But I also am a woman, and a human being, and I have this issue with CONTROL. This issue didn't start with me, and I'm sure it's not going to end with me...but you know the whole Eve and the apple story, right? We're all still paying for that by the way. I like to feel like I have some control over my life, over the people in my life, over the things I do and don't do, over my happiness. I want to be independent because I learned the hard way that you just can't depend on other people, you have to do things yourself, you have to take matters into your own hands or things will not work out the way they're supposed to (um, the way you want them to). So, how has this worked for me so far in my life...this idea of my taking control or trying to take control? Well, to be honest, not so well. Do I know this, YES I DO. But do I still try to take the control back like EVERY DAY? YES, I DO. Do I argue with God ALL THE TIME? Yes, I do. I wrestle, I argue, I throw fits, I say "but, but, but..." Guess who else argued or wrestled with God? Jacob, David, Moses, Jonah...I could go on and on but maybe you get the idea? These people we read about in the bible, they wanted to be in charge and not do what God wanted them to and they tried to avoid, hide, negotiate...but He used them all anyway. Was it painful? I'm sure it was!!! Is it painful for me, OH MY LORD YES. Do I want to scream and pull my hair out and throw myself on the floor and beat my head against a wall...yes, daily.

I feel like control will lead to happiness. I feel like happiness is what I want. I want a happy marriage, happy kids, happy job, happy life. Who doesn't want that? So we do everything we can to try to control things and people and events so that the happiness will come. The idea of giving up control over our lives is seriously contradictory to our human nature. The funny thing is that we all know that we ultimately have no control over our lives and we desperately grasp at anything we possibly can have control over and hold on as tightly as we can. We negotiate, manipulate, argue, beg, plead, demand, blackmail, bargain...with other people, and with God. The thing about this is that we think we have things under control but it's a false sense of security. So even though we try to hold onto it, we really don't have it. God does. No matter what we do or how hard we try, God is really the one in control. But knowing this doesn't stop us from trying. We are STUBBORN (do you like how I'm bringing everyone else into this with me). I am stubborn. I am impatient. I am independent and I want to do it myself.

This is making me think of when I let my teenage son drive - I give him the keys, he gets into the driver's seat, and what do I do? Say "stop, turn, slow down" or throw my arm across his chest like it's going to be stronger than the seatbelt or try to press the imaginary brake on my side of the car because I don't trust that he's going to get to a complete stop before the intersection. He'll look at me and say "mom, I got this, just trust me.") I know that might not be the BEST example in the world because hello, he's a teenage boy and he's a human and he makes mistakes. But what about God? Perfect. No mistakes. In control whether we give Him the keys or not, right? So then why can't I just hand Him the keys and go along for the ride? I want to trust Him, I really do. But it's HARD to not grab the wheel, press the brake, turn left when He's trying to steer me right. I keep trying to take back the reigns. I'll hand them to Him and then grab them back again at the first sign of trouble or panic. I don't want to, but I do.

So, here's the deal...we can hesitantly, begrudgingly turn the reigns of our lives (situations, relationships, people, events, finances) over to God and feel very out of control, unsure, scared to death about what's going to happen and we can continually or intermittently try to grab the reigns back (which is kind of like pressing the imaginary brake on our side of the car and expecting it will stop.) OR, we can ask Him to help us deal with the out of control, anxious, panicky feelings that we're going to have when we turn our stuff over to Him, and just go for the ride, not knowing where we're going, how long it will take to get there and when we'll run out of gas... What if we could believe that He really does have us, trust Him to get us to our destination...which He will, one way or another, whether we follow His lead or not, whether we allow Him to take the wheel or whether we try to grab and steer it in a different direction...what if we would truly realize that He's going before us, sitting next to us, and following behind us and we don't have to keep trying to grab the wheel.

Lord, it's not just my desire to follow you, obey what you're asking of me and trust that you'll get me where I need to be. It's also that I need help in giving up the control, help with the anxiety, the uncertainty, the panic and fear I experience whenever I do hear instruction from you. I am a hot mess, Jesus and I need You and I want You and I can't imagine navigating this life without You. But I'm afraid. Help me to trust and obey without fear. Your word says:

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

I am counting on You. I know You will not fail me, help me to remember that every single moment of every single day. Thank you God for sending Your son, Yourself in human flesh to live and feel and die so that you fully understand us and so that we may better understand You and thank You for the resurrection, so that we know that death doesn't have the final say. I pray that You will continue to work in me, no matter how painful it is, so that I will be transformed into the woman You created me to be. I pray that Your perfect love will drive out my fear. In Jesus' name, Amen.