Getting what we want...

So, I know it's been a really long time since I've posted to my blog. I've had a lot going on in my personal life that has kind of been a tad consuming. However, I'm not here to talk about all of that. I am here, though, to talk about something that I think we can all relate to. That something...is getting what we want.

We all have wants, in fact, I believe that it's innate in us from before we were born to have wants. When we are babies, we cry when we want something. As toddlers, we throw fits when we want something. Teens...slam doors, roll eyes, beg, plead, bargain. Adults, I think we kind of do a combination of all of those things. Sometimes we cry, throw fits, beg, beat against a wall. We can do this with each other, but we also do this with God. We expect God to fulfill the promises that He's made to us, like the promise of Jeremiah 29:11, for example: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Somehow, people forget the other parts of that chapter, especially the part about where it will take 70 years to get those plans rolling. In fact, just before verse 11, Jeremiah says "This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place." Umm, 70 years? WHAT? I was kind of hoping for say, NOW or maybe 5 years ago would have been nice...but I could be dead in 70 years.

So, back in the day, if you've ever read through the Old Testament...the Jews wanted what everyone else had. They wanted a King like the other nations to rule over them and build armies to fight for them so they could get more of what they wanted. They desperately wanted a King. They begged God for a King. He kept saying "no" and they didn't really like that answer, so they threw some major fits until finally God said "fine, you want a King, you will get a King, and you'll be just like everyone else." Sometimes I feel like God was kind of like us human parents...you get worn down by the tantrums and the begging and the pleading of your kids, that you just give in and give them what they want, even if you KNOW it's not good for them, just to get them to SHUT UP!!! I'm not the only one that has done this, am I? So God gave the Jews a King. Some of the Kings were really good Kings and there was prosperity in Israel and the people were right with God and He blessed them. Sometimes the Kings were really bad, and the people forgot all of the goodness of God and turned their backs on Him, creating false idols, going after things and people and land that they wanted, without consulting with God. It seems like, if you read through Kings and Chronicles, that God is with the people when they are with Him, but then when they forget Him, he turns His back on them.

It seems really conditional, God's love and His promises, throughout the Old Testament. I don't know about you, but as a mom, I LOVE my kids, truly unconditionally. I get irritated with them and they do bad things, but I still love them. I don't turn my back on them...I might walk away or send them to their room for a time out or take something away from them that will punish them for something they have or haven't done, but nothing changes my love for them. BUT, sometimes we have to let our kids make their own mistakes and figure things out on their own. I think it's called "natural consequences." I know that what you want isn't good for you, but I can't (especially the older they get) always stop you from going after something that you want that isn't good for you. I have to step back and let you figure it out on your own. When you realize that it's not good for you, I'll still be here, and I'll always still love you, but I kinda can't watch you do this, so I might just put my hand in front of my eyes for a while and it might feel like I'm not here and that I don't love you...but know that I do love you, I just can't watch you make this mistake because it will hurt me too!

Ok, so if you can relate so far, imagine how God feels about His children when we ask for something that He KNOWS isn't good for us, but we ask, and we beg, and we plead and we bargain, and finally...He's like, ok fine, you can have it, I know it's not good for you, I KNOW the plans I have for you, but you want to take matters into your own hands and that's ok, I gave you free will and I created you in My image and I get that it's hard to be patient and wait, so go ahead, it's yours. I can't really watch you do this because it hurts me, so it might feel like I've abandoned you, but I'm really still here, and I'll always be here and I love you. I still know the plans I have for you, and one way or another, they will get fulfilled, maybe not for 70 years, and maybe not even in THIS life, but you are only delaying what I have for you...and I guess you want to figure that out the hard way. So then, we get what we wanted. YAY! God must be in this because He gave me what I wanted and it's going to be SO awesome! And then...at some point...maybe right away, or maybe in 70 years, we realize that we don't really feel like God is with us or that He's blessing us...we feel like He's abandoned us and we realize that what we thought we wanted is indeed NOT good for us and we get really, really ANGRY with God. WHY DID YOU LET ME HAVE THIS? If you KNEW it wasn't good for me, why did you allow it to happen? What kind of God allows me to get what He knows isn't good for me????

Thinking back to Genesis, a really really BIG example of what happens when we take matters into our own hands instead of waiting on God...is the whole Abraham, Ishmael, Isaac scenario. If you don't know this story, please read it! Here's basically what happened: God tells Abraham in his OLD age, that He's going to give him a son and that He's going to bless ALL the nations through him. Abraham has ALWAYS wanted a son, and so has his wife Sarah, and they are way past the age of having children and just figured it wasn't meant to be, and so they still wanted, but they were just dealing with it. Then God tells them His plan, that they WILL have a son, and they wait...and they wait...and they wait. No son. Nothing. Ummm, clearly God isn't going to give us what we want, so Sarah's like, hey hubby, go get busy with my handmaiden Hagar and have a kid through her. Let's make this happen already, let's get what we want. So Abraham is like, well...ok I guess...so then he has a son, Ishmael. Now, God wasn't happy with what he did, but He's like, whatever dude, I'm still going to bless you like I said I would, but you took matters into your own hands, you didn't wait on me, and that's ok...but there will be consequences. Now, here's your son Isaac that I promised you and I will still bless all nations through him, but there's going to be trouble for a very long time because Ishmael's line will also be blessed and it's not going to be pretty to get back to my original plan because you wanted something so bad that you got it your own way instead of my way. In case anyone hasn't noticed, there has been a LOT of tension in the middle east throughout history. A lot of fighting, a lot of really bad things have happened, are still happening, and will continue to happen because Abraham just didn't feel like waiting for God to give him what he wanted so desperately. I think that a lot of my people, the Jewish people, especially Israel, feel like God has abandoned them/us. We're supposed to be the "chosen" people of God. Why is there all this fighting, why has the land you PROMISED us turned into a huge warzone? How could you allow all of this to happen? Lots of people are angry with God...but is it really God's fault that Abraham took matters into his own hands? Did God ALLOW this to happen, well - yes He did. Remember He gave us free will and He created us in His image and we might delay His plans for us because we go about getting what we want with or without His blessings...BUT...

This is a REALLY big but (I like big...ok nevermind). Anyway, here's the really GOOD news. God, even when we take matters into our own hands and even when He allows us to get what we want sometimes even if it's not what HE wants for us, is bigger than our mistakes. He can take the worst mistakes we make and work things out for the good. Wait, here's a little quote from scripture: Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." The really GOOD news is that He will redeem us if we love Him, even if we've made a million mistakes. We STILL have hope, we STILL have a future. We STILL can fulfill HIS purpose for our lives!! Hallelujah and praise God.

I have seen this happen recently in my own life, and to be blunt, I'm not sure if I deserved to see this so quickly or why it was revealed to me so quickly, but I am so very thankful that it was. Without going into details, I took a matter into my own hands, without consulting God, I made a decision...God said, uh, hello...did we talk about this? I don't think I remember me saying this was ok for you to do. I realized a few days later that it wasn't what God wanted me to do, and I was able to reverse the decision I made...thankfully. Now, I have to say that I'm still not sure how things are going to end up in this matter, but I can say that God took my mistake, turned it into something I never thought could or would happen, and the story is still unfolding. I have absolutely NO idea how long it will take to get what I want (if EVER), to get what God is working out for me, and there are days where I just get really impatient and really angry and feel like taking matters into my own hands. But I have to stop and pause...I have to force myself to remember who is in charge, and it's not me. It's not my timeline, it's not about what I want, even though I really feel like I know what I want. I am trying day by day, minute by minute, to wait and to trust and to be who He wants me to be in the meantime, in the waiting...even though I seriously want to (and sometimes do) throw a HUGE temper tantrum.

God, PLEASE forgive me for the times I haven't (and don't) trust you. Forgive me for being impatient like a toddler and for begging for what I want even though I'm not sure it's what YOU want for me. Forgive me for taking matters into my own hands, for being selfish, for wanting what may not necessarily be good for me even if it feels like it is or should be! It is my desire to be still and KNOW that you are God, but sometimes I forget to be still, or I just completely refuse to be still before you. My life before Christ might have been easier in many ways, and frankly Lord, it's SOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to follow You, SOOOOOOOOOOO hard to be still, SOOOOOOOOO hard to trust. This world is FULL of temptations at every single corner, FULL of things, stuff, people, places that distract me and make me want something more, or something different than what I have. But, Lord, I don't want a life devoid of You. I can't go back. I don't want to go back. I want to be content, thankful and at peace and I know that even though I look for that everywhere else, it can ONLY be found in You. Help me to keep my eyes focused on YOU, help me keep my ears open to Your words, wisdom and discernment, help me to keep my face to the ground worshipping, praising and thanking You for what I have, what I don't have, what I can have, what I can't have...keep reminding me Lord, that it's YOUR will I want and need, not mine! In Jesus name, I pray. Amen.

Something worth sharing...

I read several daily bible devotional plans and many of them are worth sharing, and some I do share with people that I think would get something out of it. Today, I read this and I feel like it's worth sharing. It's a GREAT reminder for me and I hope it is for anyone who might be reading this too. I'm not sure who wrote it to give them credit, but it's good stuff!

"In life, we usually are either running TOWARDS our future or FROM our pasts...rarely are we truly living in the MOMENT, simply allowing God to mend and mold our hearts.

No matter what happens in life: illness, great health, betrayal, commitments, grief, good times, bad times, success, failure, family/marital harmony, family/marital conflict, etc...ALL situations in life reveal so much about ourselves.

Every situation reveals our level of commitment, love, and loyalty to God, our love and service to others, and ALL reveal our true character.

EVERYTHING in life has the power to refine us, strengthen or weaken us...each shows us a true glimpse of our heart.

It's up to us to continually allow our hearts to be molded by God and allow Him to polish us up to shine for Him...in good times and bad.

Sometimes being present in the moment is very difficult to do...but these moments can oftentimes be the times we look back on and realize that God accomplished the most in and through us.

As we seek His heart and call on Him, we realize God has a great plan for our lives. He truly is worth seeking with our whole heart!

Run to Him today, then rest in Him...He holds our past, our present, and our future in His hands so we truly can trust Him with the details of every moment! Once we trust Him, living in the moment becomes a true joy."

I knew he would be waiting...

Whenever I have a really great God moment or day or week...I've learned to expect that Satan would be waiting to trip me up. When I first realized what was happening, it was really hard to bounce back, he would suck me in and trap me into a pit of doubt, guilt, remorse, fear, worry, anxiety - just about all of the places that God does not lead us, nor does He want us to stay. Over time, I've gotten better about recognizing Satan's schemes and have tried to prepare myself for his attacks. Seems like he just gets slicker and sneakier each time. I've also thankfully been able to bounce back faster each time too because of my faith in God growing stronger with each setback. So, when I made the decision to get Baptized...I KNEW that I was going to be in for some serious warfare. I thought I was prepared for him. I was, to an extent, but boy did I still feel like I had been run over by a truck, and I'm still trying to recover!!

Without going into too much detail, I had an email exchange with a distant relative where he, without even knowing that I had come to believe in Jesus, was telling me about how his Christian wife came to convert to Judaism and realized that everything she was raised to believe was not true. He had several convincing arguments that a Rabbi they took a class from had compiled in a book he wrote contrasting Christianity and Judaism. I kind of took this as a challenge to read his book, his website, and listen to some of his radio interviews. I thought that since I feel like somehow I'm supposed to help bridge the gap between Jews and Christians, I needed to understand this perspective to better understand why most of my people reject Jesus being the Messiah. So I read the book - it was REALLY hard to read. I had moments where I was thinking, oh geez this guy doesn't know what he's talking about to moments where I was seriously doubting and questioning my beliefs and wondering "MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?" It took me a while to read this book, even though it's fairly short comparatively speaking (I mean, I've read the entire Bible, lol). I kept getting sucked into all these horrible pits of doubt and guilt and questioning what in the world am I supposed to believe in. What if I'm worshiping a false idol...that's SO not cool. And if I'm worshiping a false idol, then what does that mean for me? Where will I get to spend eternity? Reading this book seriously threw me into a major pit, for a while. Couple that with the fact that I haven't been to church much since I was baptized - mostly due to circumstances, sickness, etc. Still, the disconnection from church and reading this book all at the same time? Coincidence? I think NOT. I think Satan REALLY wants to shake up my relationship with God, and he was doing a really good job of it for a while. I'm actually not certain that I'm out of the woods yet, but I think I'm well on my way, thanks be to God and to seriously amazing Godly friendships that have supported, encouraged, reminded, cared for and loved me so well through all of this. I'm continually in awe of a God that is so good to me that He gives me what (and who) I need before I even know I need it/them.

Here's the bottom line in all of this spiritual warfare: If believing in Jesus ends up being wrong in the end, and if I discover that I have been worshiping a false idol, then 1) I can hope and pray that this incredibly merciful God who formed me and knows my heart will forgive me and will understand how much I have sought out the truth and desired so much to follow Him; and 2) The thought of NOT having Jesus in my life and in my heart...is seriously too much to bear, and I just can't imagine what could be so wrong about believing in everything He taught us while He was on this earth. I can't find anything in the New Testament that isn't good...yes, there are some hard truths to swallow in the New Testament and I've struggled and wrestled with many verses and stories...but for the most part, what Jesus did for us, and what He said we should do for each other, I just can't imagine anything better or more right. Going back to my life before Jesus...I think it would literally crush me, destroy me. I don't want to believe that He's not who He said He was. I can't not believe that. I NEED Him and I WANT Him to be the Messiah. God forgive me if this ends up being the largest sin I could possibly commit in my life.

Lord, I thank you so much for your grace, your mercy, your love and concern and for giving me what I need when I need it. I thank you for blessing me and surrounding me with people who illuminate Your light in the way they support, encourage and care for me. I have been through many trials, and I know I will go through many more. I know that not everything and not everyone is good for me. I pray that You will give me the wisdom and discernment to sift through everything I read, see, hear, touch and feel; taking what is good and releasing what is not. I pray that You will continue to lead me on the path you want me to walk and that I will not veer so far from it that I can't find my way back. I pray that You will continue to strengthen me, continue to pursue me, continue to teach me Your truth, and equip me to face the enemy that is waiting for me, so I can rebuke him and press deeper into You. Keep me out of the pit Lord...lift me up out of it, carry me through it or reach Your hand in to pull me out. Remind me who I am and whose I am every day. Keep me humble and hold me close. In Jesus name, Amen.

Reality hits...

When I sent out the letter to my extended family in August, I was surprised to get quite a few very supportive replies. I had not anticipated that. What I expected was either no responses at all, or responses telling me how disappointed they were in my decision to accept Jesus. I was shocked and awed once again by God and His incredible goodness. I was obedient to Him by sharing my story with my extended family, and He was faithful. I don't know why I keep getting shocked by His goodness, but when it happens to me - it's still surprising and amazing. I honestly hope I always feel that way, because I don't ever want to take Him for granted.

Some of the responses I got that completely surprised me were:

"Your recent email update was shared with me, and I just wanted to reach out and thank you for being honest and brave. I support you being true to yourself, and nurturing what makes you feel grounded, supported, and energized"

"I have nothing but respect for you, Rachel. Thank you for your openness"

"I have total respect for your decision and the extensive journey you took to reach it. I hope this brings you the peace and tranquility that you are seeking."

"Rachel, You seem very content. Whatever your decision I'm happy for you."

"First, I am glad you finally said something. I am in no way mad, upset, etc. This is your life and you need to do what you feel is right and what makes YOU happy. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. I know that some of the family will be disappointed, but if someone is mad enough to not speak to you anymore, then they're not worth having in your life. I know that you never do anything without researching it first, and I know that this must have been a very hard decision filled with emotion, considering your Jewish upbringing."

"I am so happy for you and the answers you have found. We will always love and respect you for the amazing person that you are...the fact that you took so much time, effort and work to find these answers for yourself make me respect you even more."

"you have always been a wonderful cousin & a totally good person it doesn't change my feelings about you at all"

Here's a response that just floored me...a distant cousin that I haven't really kept in good contact with sent me an email explaining something in her life that she has been struggling to share with her family and friends. It's probably not what you think it is, but I'm not going to give details, as it's her story to share, but...

"I read your e-mail like 3 or 4 times now. Especially the last two paragraphs you wrote, because they hit very close to something in my life as well. Before I go into that, I just want to say that I think you are so brave! I know how hard it is to share something that you have kept private for so long. Your e-mail has given me strength! You have given me the strength to now give you my "coming out" story. Part of me hates that term "coming out", and part of me doesn't know what else to call it. Maybe "telling you my truth" is better? Your statement where you said I don't want to lose any family or friends, which is why I kept it to myself for so long, hits very close to home for me. It is exactly how I have felt for the last 5 years."

I just can't express how much these responses were NOT at all what I was expecting and preparing myself for. I was so afraid, so stressed out...and God had this the whole time! All I had to do was obey Him and this is what happened.

BUT - there are still MANY MANY relatives that I haven't heard from, and I did get two very disappointed responses from some cousins I have always been very close to, and while they expressed their disappointment, they both ended by saying they still love me. I also have only recently seen some members of my extended family in person since this "coming out letter" and could see disappointment on their faces for sure. The first time was at the Jewish High Holiday services at the synagogue I grew up in and that my mom still is a member of. I took her to services and was greeted by some shocked relatives (I think they figured since I was going to church, I wouldn't be coming to synagogue services anymore) and a couple of them just looked at me like they felt sorry for me or something. Earlier this month (actually the week leading up to my Baptism), a few of my cousins came to brunch to celebrate my Aunt's birthday and one of them that I have always been really close with - barely could look at me, let alone talk to me. I kept just reaching out, trying to talk to her and she finally warmed up just a little bit - but wouldn't really make eye contact with me. That was SOOOO hard. Even harder, this weekend this same cousin invited several relatives to her home yesterday for a Sabbath brunch...including my mom and aunt and several other cousins of all ages. I wasn't invited. I'm not going to lie to you - it HURT me deeply and I'm very sad that this is the way things are between us, and I KNOW it's because of my decision to follow Jesus. But, I was expecting this on a larger scale...I never expected so much positive and so little negative.

So this is reality for me. I knew that I was going to face some difficult situations and people that I love would be hurt and disappointed and angry with me. It's hard. But Jesus - He's totally worth it, worth losing everything and everyone I love for. He IS love. He is EVERYTHING. I just finished a bible study on the life and ministry of Paul. if you don't know much about Paul, I will give you just a brief summary of who he was. He was a Jew. Not just a Jew - he was an extremely religious, very pious, brought up in an Orthodox home and studied under Rabbi's considered to be the "best of the best" kind of Jew. He was a Pharisee, followed Judaism to the letter of the law. He was persecuting people who believed in Jesus. He sat and watched Stephen, the first martyr, be stoned to death for his faith...and then, he "met" Jesus on the road to Damascus, and his life was DRAMATICALLY changed. He left EVERYTHING and EVERYONE he ever knew and loved to follow, obey and preach about Jesus. He preached to the Jews, he preached to the Gentiles. He traveled extensively over miles and miles of land and sea to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He was beaten, ignored, yelled at, imprisoned...left for dead and then ultimately killed...and yet was content in all circumstances. He wrote letters of support to many of the people and churches that he met and he continued to praise God through Jesus, encouraging believers to stand firm in the faith. As much as it hurts me to have some of my family members be disappointed in me, exclude me from family functions, and possibly never speak to me again - I can't compare what I'm going through with what Paul went through. Surely if Paul could endure everything he did, I can endure some people in my life ignoring me.

Jesus, I pray that you will continue to remind me who I am and whose I am. That I belong to you and I am here to fulfill YOUR purposes for me, and not my own. I pray that in all that I do, in all that I am, I will glorify YOU alone. I pray that you will give me the strength and courage to continue to face the people who are disappointed in me with dignity, love, grace and mercy. I pray that your Spirit will continue to fill me, guide me and comfort me through every trial of my life on earth. You said in this life, we will have troubles, but You also said to take heart because You have overcome the world. I pray that I will continue to remember this and continue to abide in You as You abide in me. Thank you for giving me life, not just 44 years ago, but NEW life just a few weeks ago when I was Baptized in Your name. I love You and praise You! Amen.

I've been dunked!!!

Today...I was Baptized. I read this speech (very nervously with my whole body shaking and my heart about to beat out of my chest), and then I was dunked. Thanks be to God for getting me to and through this day...and also to a lot of other wonderful, faithful, supportive people in my life who have walked this journey with me. In many ways, this journey is just beginning.

The original Star Wars movie was pretty cool, with lots of great characters, special effects and a story that had something for everyone. Its creator, George Lucas, chose specific actors to play each of the character roles. Though that original movie was really cool…it wasn’t the end of the story, as Lucas came out with 2 sequels, then 3 prequels showing how the story began, and soon another 3 sequels will come out, each unfolding more and more of the story. It’s quite a captivating saga that has generated enormous following, billions of dollars in revenue, and has given actors like Harrison Ford incredible opportunities in their careers (imagine if he decided NOT to take the part of Han Solo).

Like Star Wars, we all have our “original” story – the one we were born into. We don’t really get to choose it and it really isn’t even ours. We were all chosen by our creator for a particular part in His story. And so…when I tell you about my story…it’s really just about my small part in God’s story.

I’m Jewish; I was born and raised in a Conservative Synagogue and I have a Hebrew name. I went to religious school about 6 hours a week, had a Bat Mitzvah and a confirmation, was involved in a Jewish youth group, and I went to Israel. Still, I was one of only a handful of Jews at my secular schools growing up, and I knew I was different. I had to miss school on the Jewish high holidays to go to synagogue, brought “matzo” peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to school during Passover, experienced anti Semitism and was many times asked to explain the Jewish holidays in class, which made me feel uncomfortable (mostly because I was very shy). I learned a lot about my story growing up in the synagogue and in my Jewish family. It was a really great story.

But…there’s a sequel.

As I grew up, I had lots of people question why I didn’t believe in Jesus. My answer was that we (Jews) didn’t believe the Messiah had come yet. That was the answer I knew, and it was enough for me. Through my teen years and especially after going to Israel, I developed a very strong Jewish identity, although at the same time, I started to be less involved in Jewish life. While my story was chosen for me…I kind of stopped participating in it to some degree.

Fast forward to adulthood and motherhood, I married out of my faith and Jeff and I have 2 boys that we mostly raised celebrating Jewish holidays with my family and Christian holidays with his…otherwise we have been pretty non-religious. When my youngest was 3 years old, he started asking questions about God and Jesus. I told him I believed in God but not Jesus. I didn’t really think much of it so I just went about life as usual. Nursing school consumed much of my life for the next few years, and I didn’t give much thought or attention to religious matters.

I did, however, have some really interesting and thought provoking conversations with 2 of my best girlfriends, sparking some internal spiritual questioning…and then one day I just remember standing in the kitchen with my boys and somehow we were talking about Jesus and God again. I was thinking that the older they get, the more questions they might have, and I thought I should have some better answers. They were born into a story too, and I wasn’t doing a very good job of explaining it.

So I started to read. I was on a mission to give them solid reasons why Jews don’t believe that Jesus is the Messiah so they would understand and be prepared to explain to others. The answers that I had weren’t enough, not for them or for me. I’ve always been one to look things up, rather than just blindly believe what I hear. I started by reading an entire book about why the Jews rejected Jesus. There was a lot of information about prophesies in the Old Testament in regard to the coming Messiah, and the author tried to explain why Jesus couldn’t be the one, but I just wasn’t convinced. So, I figured, well…I might as well read the Bible. I mean the WHOLE thing…The Old Testament (which I grew up learning about) AND The New Testament (which I had NEVER even considered reading before). While many people had tried to convince me that I should believe Jesus was the Messiah, I didn’t. It was an oxymoron, I thought, for Jews to believe in Jesus. But reading the Bible led to reading many…countless other books, and led to many other conversations with my friends. This Jesus guy had really good stuff. He lived a perfect life, free from sin, overcoming temptations, loving God and loving others even to the point of laying down his own life as the ultimate sacrifice for a world full of very imperfect people. He was brutally beaten, crucified on a cross, and then overcame death to continue to show love, mercy and forgiveness to all.

Intellectually, this Jesus being the Messiah thing actually started to make sense to me. It was like the sequel to Star Wars…more of the story. But…I was a Jew…and it just wasn’t gonna work for me, and surely not for my family, for me to believe this story. Over time, intellect gave way to emotional and spiritual belief…and all of this started to become deeply rooted in my heart. I started going to church, doing bible studies.…and… my story was going in a direction I NEVER anticipated. And I was a WRECK. The inner turmoil just started tearing me apart. How can I be JEWISH and believe that Jesus is the Messiah. I used to call that an oxymoron. I have a HUGE family, and I felt like I was letting them all down, letting ALL my people down…I felt guilty going to church, even though I really liked it.

But here I am today, a Jewish girl…in a church… about to be baptized. At my Bat Mitzvah 31 years ago, I recited my haftorah in Hebrew, which is a portion from the writings of the prophets. Mine was from Micah and the passage that I spoke about that night is one that has come back to me through this spiritual journey in ways that I KNOW only God could orchestrate. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago that somehow I was supposed to incorporate this into my Baptism story. It’s from the prophet Micah, verse 6:8 and it says “No, O people, the LORD has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”

Back to Star Wars…my life before Jesus was the original movie. It was good – I knew a great story with great characters and great effects. It was enough. Or so I thought…but then, I saw the sequel…and everything from the original story suddenly made more sense. Knowing the rest of the story…the WHOLE story…is amazing. And it’s still unfolding. One day I’ll get to see the prequel and I’ll know how it came to be that a simple, shy Jewish girl was somehow chosen to play this particular part in the story, why I got to see the sequel before it’s due to be released to the rest of the Jews. I know that God’s plan started with us and that our part of the story isn’t over yet. But for now, I am living in THIS story…being Jewish AND following Jesus, disappointing people I love in the process. Yes, I am a Jew…and I always will be. But I’m different than most Jews...just like I was different in school so many years ago. Today, I am choosing to walk humbly with my God into His story, playing my part by receiving His spirit through the ironically Jewish ceremony of Baptism. I pray that with His help, I will continue to do what is right, even in the face of disappointment, injustice and temptation. I pray that I will receive the gift of His mercy, and in turn give it to others. I pray that I would become so full of Him, that there is little left of me, so that I can finish out the storyline He planned for me long ago. We all have a part to play in His story…he chose us, but we get to choose whether or not to participate in His glorious unfolding.

I'm all in - and coming out!

Today is Thursday, and as I mentioned in my last post...the deadline I gave myself for writing the letter to my extended family and friends. Letter is written, and I sent to the first group of family members tonight. I'm all in...and I'm coming out. Here's the letter:

Sharing my story...

There is something that I've wanted to share with all of you for some time, and haven't quite known how, when and where as we all live crazy busy lives. There are also SO MANY of you out there that I felt this is the easiest and most direct way to share. I wonder if any of you have ever felt like something in your life was not quite right or that you were missing something. Did you figure it out or find the missing piece? Did you ever have a nagging question burning in your soul and weren't quite sure how to find the answer. Did you research, read a book, Google stuff online to find the answer? Did you ever find the answer? If so, how did you feel when you did?

All my life, I have never been one to blindly follow what others do, think, say, eat, wear, etc. I've always tried to live my own life in my own way...sometimes it's been good, and sometimes not. But whenever I've wanted to or thought about doing anything major or drastic, I have really seriously looked into whatever it was, researching, reading, talking with people. Like when I made the decision to have LapBand surgery, I researched and looked into many options, even trying some other ways of losing weight. My decision came after careful review two years later. When I made the decision to go to nursing school, I looked into various options like LPN vs RN, different schools and requirements, and I made my decision based on many factors. I can honestly say those decisions were two of the best I've ever made. I have no regrets about what I did for my health and for my career change. There were some who thought I was crazy or lazy to have weight loss surgery. Mostly people were very supportive and encouraging. I'm sure some thought I was nuts to go back to school while my boys were so young and I was on the downslide to 40, but mostly people were very supportive and encouraging. I believe that all of my family and friends have seen the positive impact those two decisions have made on my life and feel happy for me that I made those choices. Those decisions led to better health, personal and professional growth, and ultimately, to a happier me.

There's more to a person than body and mind, there's also spirit. And this is where my struggle to find answers and missing pieces came into my life about 7 years ago (looking back, actually long before then). Eric was 3 years old and began asking a lot of questions about G-d. He was incredibly inquisitive. I had some answers based on my upbringing. As most of you know, I had a pretty strong, conservative Jewish family life, attending Sunday and Hebrew school, becoming a Bat Mitzvah, being very involved in the B'nai B'rith youth organization, going to Israel, continuing on in Hebrew high school after confirmation, even taking Hebrew as my foreign language in college. I am so incredibly grateful for this upbringing and have many times regretted not bringing my boys up in the same way. It was pretty difficult between being married to a non Jew (although Jeff would have supported me, he was and is anti organized religion). It was difficult financially to afford Hebrew/Sunday school, it was a far drive...it would have meant having to choose between sports and other activities for my boys or going to synagogue. These are all excuses, I know, but the bottom line is that I didn't want to force my boys and I wanted them to know and appreciate the religious backgrounds of both of their parents. In trying to be kind of "neutral" as far as religion goes, I ended up basically doing nothing more than celebrating holidays with each of our families and attending milestone events in the religious lives of our relatives. I tried explaining holidays and the reasons we celebrated to them and tried to teach them a little Hebrew and some prayers, but I clearly could have done much more, and probably should have. However, we can never go back and change the past, all we can do is move forward.

So when Eric started asking questions about G-d, he also asked about Jesus. This was simply a subject matter I knew very little about, except that Jews didn't believe he was the messiah and Christians did. He was a good guy, but not G-d in my mind and so my simple answer was that mommy's family doesn't believe in Jesus and daddy's does. That was basically the end of it, at least for a while. I started going back to school shortly after that discussion and was so consumed for the next 3 years that I never gave much more thought to anything religious except what we did do, which was celebrating the holidays with family. When Jacob was 10, I started to think about whether or not to have him become a Bar Mitzvah, but I'd never sent him to Sunday or Hebrew school so wasn't sure how I could pull it off but figured I had 3 years. I did seriously consider a tutor and catching him up, but he just really didn't want to do this, and I didn’t want to force it.

So anyway, I continued on in nursing school and graduated, got a job, and many questions surfaced in me...especially a question and answer session about Jesus I had with my boys a couple years earlier. I just told them we didn't believe Jesus was the messiah, and when they asked why, all I could say was "we just don't." I was not satisfied with my answer or in my lack of knowledge and understanding enough to really be able to explain this to my boys. Eric still had a lot of questions too. So I started reading stuff. I got a hold of everything I could find on the reasons that Jewish people rejected Jesus as the messiah. I talked to people; I read many books, I Googled stuff. The more I read, the more questions I had. The more questions I had, the more I read. I didn't really find solid answers. I wasn't convinced about the reasons I read about. I was looking for tangible proof that it wasn't possible for Jesus to be the messiah because in all I ever learned growing up, we (the Jews) were still anticipating the coming of the messiah, but it hadn't happened yet. I tried and tried to find proof, I was determined to understand so I could help my boys understand.

The deeper I got into my research, the more I began to seriously doubt and question the majority Jewish belief that the messiah had not come yet. I decided I should probably read the bible. Because of the overwhelming enormity of the bible, I looked online for some help and came across "The Bible for Dummies." It's basically a synopsis of both the Old Testament (Jewish bible) and the New Testament. I had never touched the New Testament before this. I knew people that lived by that book, but I knew very little about it. I was amazed by what I read. It was actually really good stuff, who knew?

Then I actually read the ENTIRE bible, both Old and New Testaments, while cross referencing what I read with my grandma's Jewish bible that I got when she passed away, to make sure that what I was reading in the "Christian" version matched up. I talked to people, emailed and talked to experts in theology, read a whole ton of books...and somewhere along the line; I realized that my mission was backfiring. Not only could I not find convincing proof, and not only did I find the New Testament to be inspirational and enlightening, but I started to believe in my head and heart that it was truth.

This is where my struggle really got difficult. I was starting to believe something contrary to what I was raised to believe and I knew that this was going to cause some major upheaval in my life. I tried to fight it, ignore it, pretend I never knew about it...I just...I couldn't erase what I'd learned and come to believe. I felt like someone who watched a movie where you're left hanging at the end, and then several years later the sequel comes out and you finally get the whole story. It all just made sense. I realized that I had been missing something my whole life that I could never put my finger on. Part of me wanted to ignore all this and go back to life as “normal” but I just couldn't go back at this point. I was invited to church by a friend and decided to check it out. I loved the service...now, I love the services at synagogue too, but this was different, it felt like putting a puzzle together and seeing the finished picture and thinking how cool that all those random pieces came together to form THIS! It was the Old and New Testaments being brought together to explain a story I never knew the ending to.

I know that by this point, if you are even still reading this...many of you are disappointed, mad, upset and distraught at the thought that I could have fallen for this “mishegas.” You might think I was sucked into a cult or an alternate universe. I can assure you that I did not blindly follow or believe something this incredibly contrary to how I was raised without seriously considering everything...including the fact that I may lose people I love dearly in the process. I don't want to lose any of my family or friends, which is why I have kept it to myself for so long.

I have struggled and gone thru very painful and stressful inner turmoil for the last few years. I have thought that I was or would be seen as turning my back on my family, my people, and my heritage. I never meant for this to happen. I didn't wake up one day thinking “I'm going to believe in Jesus and see how many people I can hurt.” I have been trying to find the courage (chutzpah) to "come out" for quite some time. I have struggled with whether or not I should "come out" and how and to whom. I have come to the conclusion that I'd much rather be the one to tell you than for you to find out some other way.

My immediate family already knows. The reactions have ranged from disappointment, embarrassment, anger, apathy and even to some degree of acceptance. I'm sorry if you feel hurt or offended because of my decisions, that was not the intent of sharing my story. I want you to know that I am and always will be Jewish, and I would love to still participate in all of the Jewish life I've always participated in. I also will continue to participate in the church I attend. I have had some awesome opportunities to share my Jewish background with people who knew little about the Jewish faith before, and I love being able to teach about the Jewish holidays, customs, traditions, etc. I know that I didn't have to tell you any of this, and some or most of you may wish I hadn't. Religion and spirituality are very personal and individual expressions of faith, and we should all feel free to express our beliefs in our own ways...in ways that make sense to us. I have not felt this freedom because I’ve been hiding it from my family and friends to avoid hurting them, and also out of my own fear of losing people I love. I have come to the conclusion that telling you is the right, honest and loving thing to do. Ultimately, I have to answer to a higher authority, and I'm not sorry for what I believe. I have found something that makes me happy, that helps to complete my life’s puzzle and I pray that you will accept me as you always have, even if you cannot or will not accept my choices and beliefs. I promise to continue to love you and pray you'll continue to love me. I thank you for being important, influential and inspirational people in my life and I thank you for taking the time to read my story. I will never force you to talk about this, but am always open for dialogue, discussion, questions and even friendly debate.

Love and peace,

Rachel

Slide or soar...

Is anybody out there? I don't really know who actually reads this blog, or if anyone does. I just thought I'd say hi to anyone who might be reading this, feel free to say hi back by leaving a comment or emailing/texting me if you have that information.

It's been a while since I've posted. I have thought about posting many times, but today is the day. Not only did I decide yesterday that I would post something today, but the topic of my post came to me in this morning's sermon at church, delivered by a chaplain at a local Nazarene university who also attends the church I attend. I have tried to figure out what I wanted to post about for a while. Even though lots of thoughts are constantly swarming around my small mind, I love it when God places the one in my head/heart that I need to write about, at just the right moment. In this sermon, the chaplain, who we'll refer to as "BB," talks about Hebrews (not the people, but the book in the New Testament). BB's sermon brought tears streaming down my face and struck my heart and soul to the core today. Why? Because he talked about how the Jewish Christians back in Rome had a choice to make. They could continue to follow Christianity, knowing that it would not be easy, knowing that they could/would be persecuted in one way or another for following Jesus...or they could just kind of casually "slide" back into Judaism and never talk of this Jesus character again. O.M.G. - this has been my struggle for the past few years. It's my daily struggle. Sometimes it's my minute by minute struggle. Sliding quietly back into Judaism without Jesus. It would be easy...I mean for one thing, the majority of my Jewish family and friends still don't know about my little faith journey. Even if they did, they would welcome me back with open arms, and we'd never have to speak of this Jesus character again. I could get involved in synagogue, in the Jewish women's organization, the Jewish community...my mom would be ecstatic. She would no longer have that look of disappointment on her face every time I see her. She would no longer continue to blame herself and wonder "where she went wrong" in raising me that I would go off the deep end and believe that Jesus was the Messiah. I would belong somewhere. I would fit in.

Yesterday, I attended a brunch at a wonderful woman's home of the ladies group I meet with on Sunday's after the service at church. One of the girls wanted to take a picture of all of us. I had thought about asking her not to post that on Facebook or tag me in the picture, but I figured she knows my story, surely it's just for her or maybe she'll email it to all of us. So last night I'm sitting at home playing a game with my husband and some friends of ours, and an email pops up on my phone to notify me that this friend added a photo of me on Facebook. I panicked, immediately went on and "untagged" myself from the photo and then sent her an email explaining that since I hadn't told the majority of my family and friends about my faith, I didn't want them to find out this way. My heart was RACING, POUNDING. I was mortified at the thought that they would find out this way. The girl that posted it felt horrible and I tried to tell her that she shouldn't feel bad at all, it's my deal and my problem and I'm the one that's been dragging my feet to tell everyone and that it's bound to come out somehow through social media if I don't "come out" on my own. So, all kinds of thoughts are swarming around in my head. "I wonder if anyone saw that before I untagged myself" and/or "what if one of her friends or someone from the church has a friend who I'm related to or who knows me and that I'm Jewish and sees me in a picture posted to a church Facebook page" and "Lord, please don't let anyone see that picture that doesn't know I go to a church." OY VEY. What am I doing? Do I believe that Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice to atone for all of my sins or don't I? If I do, then what am I going to do about it? Sit around and monitor Facebook and social circles being paranoid that someone is going to find out and be disappointed in me or mad at me. OR, am I going to just quietly "slide" back out of the church and into Judaism. OR, am I going to break free from these chains that bind me and soar, freely, in my faith and not worry about what anyone thinks or who finds out???

Just like those early Jewish Christians, I have a choice to make. Am I going to continue to follow Jesus and TRUST Him to work everything out the way He wants it to be worked out, no matter what that costs me...or am I going to slide on back to my old life and forget all that I've learned, all that I've come to believe in, love and accept as truth in my heart?

Here's an interesting little side story...on my birthday a few weeks ago, my sister and I were texting back and forth. This is the sister (my only sister) that has been SO angry and disappointed in me for my beliefs. Somehow, the conversation led to this text from her to me: "I have had a lot of talks with mom helping her to understand your religious beliefs- and believe it or not, I accept your choices and feel glad that u found some missing pieces to your beliefs." She went on to say "I'm on your side - it took a few days for me to think things over and now I get it." Phone.Almost.Dropped.Out.Of.My.Hand.Jaw.On.Floor. "WHAT? is this for real?" I thought. This cannot be for real. My sister is literally the LAST person on the face of the earth that I ever ever ever thought would be "accepting" of my choice to believe in Jesus and attend a church. THE.LAST.PERSON. We talked, she explained more, I was in shock. I still am. Now, she did say that SHE would never go to church and that SHE would never believe that Jesus is the Messiah, that SHE enjoys going to synagogue and SHE is going to raise her children in the synagogue and they will all have Bar Mitzvah's, etc. BUT. If this is what makes me happy, if this what I believe and how I want to live, it's ok, and she's happy that I found something that works for me. She said the writing has been on the wall for years. She gave some examples of things she's noticed I've done or not done over the years and said basically that she's really not surprised. Thinking back, I can definitely see God has been working on me for a LONG time. God works in all of us, but not all of us listen or follow and try to figure out what He wants us to do. As I've said before, I'm not the kind of person who just blindly believes in something. I research, I look into things, I look stuff up, I read. I fought God on this for a long long time. Just like Moses fought against God when he called him to free the Israelite's from slavery. Just like Jonah fought God when He asked him to go to Ninevah, just like a whole lot of other people have fought against God when He asked them to do something that went against what they wanted.

Bear with me here, this post may be getting a little choppy, but I have another story. Today, in my SISTERS class after the service, we were presented with a lesson on holiness. One of the many things that struck me in this lesson was the concept that the presenter referred to as "ownership." We understand ownership. We all own things...cars, houses, computers, toys, clothes, etc. She was talking about how God owns us. He does. He created the world we live in and He created all of us...for a purpose. For HIS purpose. We can either fight against what He wants for our lives, or we can experience the joy, satisfaction, purpose, salvation and eternal life He has for us by just allowing Him to guide us and to own us. Some may be put off by this concept, but to truly understand God, is to know that He doesn't want us to be puppets, He doesn't want to control us for some evil purpose. He has good plans for us and for our life and for His kingdom...but He wants us to submit to His ownership of us for OUR OWN GOOD! There will be storms. The presenter talked about 3 kinds of storms God allows us to experience. There are those storms that are for our perfection (to perfect us into being more like Christ) those for our protection (to protect us from something really bad), and those for our correction (He is, after all, our Father...and we're not perfect, and He sometimes needs to correct us). The storms are not easy, but they are necessary for our story to play out and for the restoration of the world that He promises will come.

Now, back to the topic of my post, and to the choice I need to make. Am I going to slide back into my old life...or am I going to soar on wings like eagles, on God's wings...the One who made me, owns me, and has a purpose for me. I am setting a deadline of this Thursday to write the letter or email or whatever I'm going to do to "come out" to the rest of my family and Jewish friends. God help me, and you, whoever is out there reading this, hold me accountable. I don't want to continue to hide who I am and what I believe. I want to soar. I long to soar. It's time.

Jesus I thank you from the depths of my soul for dying on the cross for my sins. I thank you for pouring your blood out for me so that I could be free, and forgiven, and given new life. I am so sorry that I have wavered, chickened out, hidden in fear and doubted your sovereignty over my life. I am sorry that I have cared more about what people think and will do to me than about bringing glory to you by boldly wearing my faith on my sleeve. I am sorry that I have taken your gifts for granted and continued to slide back into my old ways, or for even thinking about doing so. I pray that you will help me to be brave, to obey, and to weather the storms you allow in my life. I pray that you will bless me with the right words to say to my family and friends, and that you will soften their hearts to hear what I am saying, and what I am not saying. I pray that you will continue to grow me spiritually into the person you want me to be and that my fire and passion for you will continue and will inspire others to want to see who you are for themselves. You have shown me in very real and miraculous ways that you are still in the business of answering prayer. Help me Lord to believe that always, whether I can see it or not, and through all of my storms yet to come. I thank you for all of the amazing people you have placed in my life, and I thank you for your amazing love. In Jesus' name, I say AMEN.