One down...many more to go...

Last Tuesday, I sat in my closet for a little alone time with God (a great suggestion from a great friend). I really didn't have an agenda for us, but I came out of that closet feeling convicted to (finally) write (re-write) the letter to my mom explaining of my faith in Jesus as the Messiah. So, I wrote. I think the first sentence was re-done about 4 or 5 times but then once I got past that, the words just were flowing like a river. Then, on Thursday, before I went to play with my sweet little baby nephews, I grabbed the letter, the book "Betrayed" I got for her, and an envelope. I thought, maybe I should just go ahead and mail this out today, and she'll get it tomorrow night after she gets home and after I'm off work and we'll have the whole weekend to process through it all. I had heart palpitations all day thinking about doing this. On my way home from playing with the boys, I texted my friend and spiritual mentor...who called me and bless her heart stayed on the phone with me, encouraging me and praying for me while I addressed the envelope, bought the stamp...and, yes, put it in the mailbox. As I walked away from the post office, tears in my eyes, heart beating out of my chest...I felt both a sense of relief and anxiety. I told God that it was in His hands now...and I committed this to Him...it was done.

Friday evening came, and I was anxiously and fearfully anticipating "the call" from my mom...when I saw her picture and name come up on my caller id, my heart literally dropped into my stomach. She was totally normal - asking about going to the gym with us on Saturday - I knew she hadn't gotten my package yet - no way would she be that normal after opening THAT! So, the next day, my youngest son and I went to pick her up, took her with us to the gym, then the grocery store, then back to her place. As we were rolling in the cart of her groceries, she went to the mailbox...the first thing she pulled out was my package, then several other items...not paying attention to what she had. I grabbed the mail and put it one of her bags and then we proceeded up the elevator and down the hall to her apartment - with my heart seriously beating out of my chest. OMG - what am I supposed to do??? I was debating with myself whether I should stay or leave...and then she went to return the cart to it's proper place in the building. There I was, staring at that envelope. I had a choice. I could take it and run and forget about doing this today - I literally could take back what I just two days earlier committed to God. Or I could leave it, or I could personally hand it to her when she got back.

I took the envelope out of the bag...I had it in my hands. I grabbed a pen, I wrote a note on the outside of the envelope - something about sorry I couldn't do this in person, it was too hard...and then, when she got back, my son and I left. Heart going completely insane...I'm pretty sure that anyone could put their hand anywhere NEAR my chest and PALPATE my heartbeat at this point. I told my son I was scared and I started to cry and we talked a little bit, he asked me why I was scared and I told him that I knew Grandma would be very disappointed in me and I was scared about how she'd react (I had told my boys on Thursday that I mailed it). I don't remember everything about that conversation, but I do remember him saying "but mom, we're supposed to spread the love of Jesus!" Oh my little boy...wise beyond his years for sure. So we got home and I again anxiously and fearfully waited for her call.

She called. At first she had only seen the book, and was wondering what in the heck was going on with me...but I told her there was a letter in there and so she said she'd go read it. Then another call, lots of things to say...from thinking I had been brainwashed to "please DO NOT tell anyone else, especially your sister." She was definitely not happy. We talked for a bit, well mostly she talked for a bit, requesting things like may she never see a cross on my boys or myself, may she never walk into my home and see a cross or a picture of Jesus...telling me how and why she didn't believe in Jesus...honestly I can't remember everything she said, but I dropped to the floor of my bathroom after we hung up (another call was coming in, and she can't not answer a phone call...) and I just leaned against the bathtub, sobbing. Partially out of relief - because she did say she still loves me - and partially because I was so shocked that she begged me to keep it a secret. I mean, if I'm going to "come out" about this, I'm going to "come out" to everyone - I just thought she should be the first one. How, I thought, do I both obey and honor God and honor my mother as the 5th commandment asks me to do??????????????

So, she called another time, leaving a message that she had told my aunt (her sister) but that she would NOT be telling anyone else, and again urged me not to either and also said some things that my aunt said about everything. My non-practicing, non-observant aunt was clearly not happy either. I didn't call her back because my best friend had come over with her son and we were having dinner (and some wine, Lord knows I needed it at that moment)...and then later we were watching the weekly video for our bible study and my mom called, AGAIN. Initially, she BEGGED me not to put anything about this on Facebook. She had lots of things to say, she told me she had cried alot, and also that she couldn't seem to locate the book I gave her - (small one bedroom apartment, who knows what happened but I'm sure the devil has a hand in that somehow) and talked about a cousin of hers who had believed and was dis-owned by many in the family, talked about her belief about the Messiah, again thought maybe I'd been brainwashed, strongly encouraging me to NOT go to church (little does she know) - she thought it would be best for me to just go outside to pray rather than go to a church. The thing is, is that to my mom, the Cross and Church are about the same as having a picture of the head of the KKK in the home of a black person - this is the only way I can explain how she feels about it. She pretty much said she didn't want to know if I was going to church, didn't want to know if I was going to get "dunked" and stated that she wants to live to be 85 so she can see all of my sister's boys have their Bar Mitzvah's, and also requested that when she die, I go to synagogue to recite the mourner's prayer for a month and then once a year on the anniversary of her death. WHEW.

Lots of heavy stuff. Ultimately, what I heard in that conversation was a TON of fear and a TON of ignorance. It's heartbreaking, but I understand and I will try to honor and respect her as best as I can, while following God and obeying Him first. I interjected a few times to say things but I think mostly likely everything that I said fell on deaf ears. But, we did dialogue - we did dialogue. I sensed a curiosity in her and in as much as she was absolutely against what I was saying I believe, she was talking about stuff and asking questions and seemed like discussions might be ok to have about all this...and she did say that she'd read the book, if she can find it.

She didn't keel over, either did I. I realized that by far, this was the BIGGEST act of obedience to God that I have personally EVER experienced. I also realized that I must REALLY REALLY REALLY believe that Jesus is the Messiah to have told my mom I believe He is. I kept saying that I would know when it was time, and I did - I knew when I knew and that was that. God is so good and so incredibly patient and even though I said I would know when I knew, I didn't really fully believe that - until I KNEW and I did it. This gives me hope and it makes me TRUST God even more than ever. He WILL lead me if I will seek Him. He will place those nudging's in my gut and in my heart and I know that when I follow Him, He will be with me, and I will see fruit...maybe not today, maybe not in 5 years, maybe not ever while I'm living on this earth, but eventually, eternally, I will see fruit from my obedience.

In the meantime, I'm giving my mom some time to recover from the initial shock, and I will tell the rest of my family, starting with my sister, when and how God leads me to. I will know when I know.

God, I thank you for Your amazing love, mercy, grace, patience and nudging's. I know that You created me and that You have a plan for me and that if I am still and seek you and am obedient to Your will, that I will know and see and follow Your leading. I pray for the wisdom and discernment and the courage and strength to continue to listen to You above anyone on this earth. I pray that I will continue to obey You first, even if that means strained relationships, severed relationships and/or a lot of pain and suffering will come my way. I pray that I will always remember how faithful You are and always have been, and I pray in Jesus' name that I can continue to be brave and bold in sharing my faith with my family, with my friends, with total strangers. Amen.

Watering the plants...

I'm not really a plant person, and do not have a green thumb. But I have been thinking about plants lately, and how they are like people. When you have plants, you have to water them so they can live and grow. If you don't water them, water them too much, or don't water them enough, they will wither away and die. You have to make sure that you keep up with them, pay attention to them, some people talk to their plants, some use special plant food or a different kind of dirt that provides nutrients to help them thrive, some require sunlight while others grow best in the dark. Any way you look at it, it takes time and effort and intentionality to keep them from dying. Sometimes we have a special plant that ends up requiring more effort to keep alive, so we pay extra attention to it, or it has particular needs that the others don't have and we really don't want this one to die so we work really hard everyday to make sure it's thriving. Before we know it, we may notice that some of our other plants are dying. We didn't mean to forget about them, but this one plant required so much of us that we lost track of the others. It's hard to keep up with all of those plants sometimes.

Our relationships with people are very similar to plants. It takes effort and time and intentionality to keep them alive and for them to grow. Sometimes we get so caught up with one or two of our relationships that we inadvertently lose track of the others. Our lives get so busy. We have jobs and kids and parents and activities, we get distracted by life and stuff that we forget to "water" some of our plants. Life can get pretty overwhelming and the demands on our time grow and we can't even sometimes get a moment to ourselves to breathe, let alone keep up with all the people in our lives. How do some people do it, they manage to maintain several close relationships, while taking care of their families and work responsibilities, some put in several hours of volunteer hours to serve others, many have hobbies or other demands and they're being pulled in so many different directions, but somehow they manage to continue to water all of their plants. Where do they get all this water? How do they do it, keep up with so many relationships at once??

Well I have a couple thoughts about this. First of all, the single most important relationship that requires much and in turn gives us much, is our relationship with God. He's the living water that we need every day. As I mentioned in my last post, God is the one that fills our jars. When we turn to Him everyday and work on our relationship with Him, when we seek Him and His will for us, He will direct us and provide what we need to thrive. When we are thriving in this relationship, He will guide us in our other relationships. God gives us wisdom, discernment and encouragement. He expects us to use what He gives us and then give to others. How do we know this? We look at Jesus. He was in constant communion with God, taking breaks from the disciples and the crowds of people everyday to be alone and pray and nourish His relationship with God. Then, He was able to be a great friend, healer and example to all of us and He showed us the way to treat others. He got what He needed from His father, and He turned around and gave to His people. He was a man in demand! People from all over wanted a piece of this guy Jesus. They just wanted to see Him, hear Him speak, touch Him, brush by Him...anything, just to get close to Him. He was THE celebrity of all celebrities...and I'm sure He was overwhelmed trying to keep up with everyone. But He showed us how. Just read this little excerpt from John 13:

John 13:12-17 - 12 When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. "Do you understand what I have done for you?" he asked them. 13 “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

John 15 goes on to say 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

I know how hard it is to keep up with relationships with all the demands of life. I believe that if we keep our relationship with God at the center of our lives and we ask Him to, He will show us where and how to give of ourselves to others. To our spouses or significant others, to our kids and other family, to our friends and to others we don't even know yet. Our God is all about relationship. He wants us to have an incredible relationship with Him so that we can have incredible relationships with others. He will give us all we need so we can give to others. Ask Him for His living water, and you'll have plenty in your watering can to keep all those plants flourishing.

Lord I thank you for giving me so many amazing people in my life. I recognize that these people are gifts from you. The demands on my time grow continually and it can become difficult to keep watering all of these plants. It's easy to get overwhelmed and lose track of some of my relationships. It's easy to focus on one or two and then slowly lose track of others. I know that the only way I can nourish all of my relationships is to seek You first. You can give me the wisdom and discernment to know where my watering can needs to go next, and how much water to pour into each of my "plants" to keep them alive and thriving. On my own, I can't always figure out the balance, but with You and Your guidance, I can maintain and grow in the relationships You desire for me to keep. You alone are my living water, and I know I can keep returning to you for more when I feel that my can is empty. Thank for You loving me well so that I can love others well. I don't do it perfectly like You do, but I try and I need You to help me where I fail. Amen.

The jar of life...

So I've been neglecting my blog a bit lately. Not because I haven't had thoughts...I have a million of those daily and they keep me up half the night many times too. But, I seemed to have been inspired today by something my BFF said, and by some stuff in my Beth Moore bible study (Breaking Free, HIGHLY recommend this one), and by today's sermon at church. I know that I tend to ramble and sometimes I'm not sure that I can follow what I'm saying, let alone anyone reading this. So I'll try to make sense of my thoughts but I can't make any promises.

So, here's a little glimpse into my texting conversation today with the bestie: Her: "I was thinking this morning about people who don't follow and how some people seem fine without God." Me: "Seem fine...that's the key. You may seem and even think your'e fine...and then you find Jesus and realize you were so not fine."

I know a lot of people, and in fact, I WAS one of those people...who thought, "hey, I'm a good person, I try to do what's right, I'm nice to people, I give to charity...I don't really need religion, I don't really need to go to synagogue." Basically, I was saying and many people say, I'm good without God. Here's the thing...God created us to have empty spaces in our jar. Many of us think our jar is pretty full, or that if we just had [money, a spouse, a bigger house, a better car, a good job...insert just about anything here] that we'd be full! There's always just "one more thing" we "need" or "want" to have that fullness we innately desire. But God didn't have all that stuff in mind when He created us. He actually purposefully left empty spaces in our jar of life. Why? Because He knows and He wants us to know, that HE is the only thing that can truly fill us up. Beth Moore, in her video session this week, stuffed a glass vase full of things that we fill our lives with (men, money, cell phone, sports, activity stuff, a baby, etc etc). That vase looked pretty full. It seemed to be stuffed. Didn't look like you could fit anything else in there. Then she poured water in the vase and you could clearly see all those empty spaces, and now they were full. A little scripture...John 4, I won't give you the whole story, because I think you should go read it, but here's a verse, John 4:10 "Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.” Friends, our jars cannot be full without God. We may truly believe they're full, we may truly believe we have all we need, that we're happy and that we're "fine" without God.

It's entirely possible to go through your entire life, be on your death bed, believe that you have been "fine" and die without knowing or having known Jesus. Frankly, this just makes me sad. Because now that I know...now that I see...I know how so not fine I was before! I know how empty I truly was. I know how empty people that don't believe really are, and they may not even realize it. Now that I know...I can't even imagine my life without God. The empty spaces. The desperate wanting and seeking for something to fill them up. My heart, my life...has been changed. Truly transformed by knowing Jesus. He has given me living water and I can't get enough. I'm not saying I don't have times of feeling empty. I feel loss, I feel guilt, I feel lonely, I feel sad and I have longings in my heart. The cost of following Jesus is not easy and it will not be easy...and it will be really hard when I do finally tell my family, it's really hard now. But I know that God...is the only One that can fill all of those empty spaces, that can heal all of my brokenness. He came to bind up the brokenhearted. I can tell you that I was NOT fine before I knew Him.

Following Jesus comes at a cost and there are sacrifices to be made. It's hard to let go and let God do His work in us. I'm still learning, still failing, but still desperately want to follow Him and live in His will. I know that His will won't always match up with mine. I know that I have to TRUST Him. Completely. With everything. With everyone. Hold nothing back. If I will let Him...He will fill my jar, over and over and over. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. If I let Him. It's hard to let go and not be in control. But I know that His ways and His timing are perfect. So, one thing, one person, one empty space at a time, I'm learning and trying to trust, to let go and to let Him fill my jar of life. Only He can. Only He is meant to.

God I thank you for opening my eyes to your truth. I know that not everyone knows You. I know that there are many people walking around this earth either thinking they're fine without You, or they're seeking for something or someone or many things or many someone's that can fill up the empty spaces. I know now that You are the One, the ONLY One, that can fill up our jars. I know and I am blessed to know, that you are the living water and that I can have as much as I want, and never be thirsty again. Jesus, You are THE Way, THE Truth, and THE Life. I cannot imagine my life without You and I know I wasn't truly living until I knew You. I know that following You is hard...and there are times I want to push the "unfollow" button for just a time...so that I can be in control of something, someone, myself. But I truly know and believe that, having done this so many times already, that I have no business trying to fill my own jar. I may think I know what I need to fill up my jar and Lord you know how often I've tried and been wrong. You've allowed me to "unfollow" you...because You gave me free will. Jesus, I want to follow You and never push that button again. We both know on my own I'll fail. But we also both know that through You, all things are possible. Please fill my jar of life today, and every day. Remind me through Your Word, through prayer, through my Godly relationships and through my relationship with You that You gave me life and everything that I have and that I am is from You...help me to live in Your will, and to let you fill my jar! I pray in the name of Jesus! Amen.

Security

One thing that I love...and sometimes hate...about my faith journey, is that I've had to take some long hard looks into my own soul. If I'm going to grow into a woman in whom Christ dwells, and if I'm going to surrender to Him so He can shape and refine me into the woman He created me to be, then I need to know, REALLY know, who I am and who I've been. Sometimes I see good things, and sometimes, I see some not so good things about myself. The really cool thing is that God loves me no matter what and He's already forgiven every sin in thought or action that I have ever committed and will ever commit. But as I mentioned in my last post, the way to salvation involves surrender and sacrifice. It has to. If I don't let Jesus transform me by surrendering and sacrificing all my stuff to Him, then I'm not fully living in His will and I'm not fully accepting His salvation. So I've been pondering alot lately about who I am and why I can't fully surrender. I know things in my head, and some of it has seeped into my heart, and I know that I'm changing...but I've got issues, big issues, that are standing in the way of my surrender. I think this week, I've stumbled upon the BIG issue, the one that has always always affected my thoughts, my actions, my reactions, my relationships, and ultimately my surrender to the One true God.

Here it is...insecurity. I've always been insecure. I've always had low self-esteem. I've always struggled with the insecurity and it has always followed me everywhere I've gone in my life. It followed me into the classroom when I was a kid and was afraid to raise my hand or speak up, even if I knew the answer. It followed me to the softball fields and basketball courts when I never felt "good enough" to play. It followed me into my food choices, exercise habits (or lack thereof) and it followed me into obesity and back down again, into all of my friendships, my relationships with men, into my family relationships...everywhere. I have never been able to shake this insecurity no matter how hard I've tried and no matter how much I've accomplished. I've had moments where I've had spurts of security - and when I look back, those have ALL come from external sources: pats on the back from other people recognizing a job well done, encouragement from a youth group leader to see myself as a beautiful and wonderful person, getting good grades, graduating from college and then nursing school, recognition from others on my weight loss, friends who have had great things to say about me...not that any of these things are bad. It's good to be recognized by others and to be esteemed by them. But, here's the problem...none of this has led to true security, lasting security in being comfortable in my own skin and in being content. My insecurities have led to broken or damaged relationships, body image issues whether obese or not, and they are a huge reason for why I haven't told my family of my faith...and especially I think the biggest reason for my lack of surrender and full acceptance of the gift of salvation that Jesus has given.

Just like Adam and Eve didn't realize they were naked until they had sinned, insecurity is a failure to realize who we are because satan has gotten to us. He's fed us lie after lie and is doing everything in his power to separate us from God and from salvation. He wants to keep us in our sinful nature, wants to break our spirit and keep The Spirit out of us. He's pretty sneaky in how he does this and our society and our sinful world is doing nothing to help us get out of this darkness and into God's light. If we are to be free, to surrender, to live in God's will, to live in the light...we have to go into these dark places of our souls and we have to rebuke satan and rely on Scripture. We have to be in God's word, know His word, use His word when negative, dark thoughts come into our heads, and we need to not let ANYTHING or anyone separate us from God's love. Saying and doing are definitely two different things. But I am trying, with God's help, to replace all of the negative, insecure thoughts and feelings I have with His truths. My security can ONLY come from God and from seeing my reflection through His eyes, and not my own, and not the world's. This is hard and it's a process. I will be fighting this battle the rest of my life, I'm sure...but I have someone who will ALWAYS be with me, will go before me, walk beside me and follow behind. Someone who will never leave me or forsake me, who will never break His promises to me, who will always love me unconditionally and deeply, never disappoint me or hurt me. I have to learn to trust in that, fully trust in that and to stand firm on that no matter what my circumstances are. I cannot be complete without the ONLY one that can complete me, can truly satisfy me and IS the only security I need.

God, I recognize that I've allowed satan to bring me into the darkness of my own insecurities and to keep me there and I can see how much damage my insecurities have caused myself, my family, my friends and my spouse. I cannot fight these thoughts and feelings I have on my own. I need Your strength, I need Your Word to speak truth into my soul everyday, every hour, every minute. I need You to help me turn my negative thoughts and my negative perceptions of me and of others in my life into positive ones...by the promises You have given. I want to surrender all of my stuff to You Jesus but I know I can't or won't do that while I'm still living in the slavery of my insecurities. Please help me stand up to satan and fight this spiritual battle that invades my life so deeply. I pray that each day, as I seek You and talk to You, that You will show me the way to security, to freedom, to my abiding in You and You in me. Thank for your patience and for showing me the log I clearly have in my own eye, when I've been so quick to point out the speck in others eyes. I recognize this as my own insecurity and I want to live in Your security. I love you and I thank you for Your redeeming work in my life and in the world. In Jesus name, Amen.

Surrender, Sacrifice, and seeing only a Sliver...

So, in my journey to walk with God and to know Him and understand Him, one of the most difficult things to grasp is this concept of surrender.

According to Merriam-Webster, surrender is:
1 transitive verb
a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand
b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another
2 intransitive verb
a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner
b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)
3 intransitive verb
: to give oneself up into the power of another : yield

"Surrender." Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web 19 Aug. 2013. "http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/surrender."

Spiritually, I believe that this means that we need to yield to God, that we need to believe that He sees the entirety of our life on earth and not just the "sliver" that we see in the present and that He asks us to trust Him enough to surrender our "wants" to His will. For me, this concept is difficult because I've been living life for me, even though I've historically been someone who does things for others, in the grand scheme of my life, I've been pretty darn selfish. I want what I want, when I want it and how I want it. But to surrender to God means doing things I don't want to do but that I feel or know that God wants me to do...and it means to not do things that I want to do that go against His will for me. This all goes back to my "gut" and what I feel God is nudging me to either do or not do, and then to actually follow through with those things in obedience. Definitely not as easy or simple as it sounds. For example, I have a sharp/sarcastic way of dealing with people who frustrate or hurt me (mostly my own family). I really do believe that this is NOT how God wants me to behave. I do believe that He wants me to speak kindness, love, humility and self-sacrifice into every situation and to every person I come into contact with. Easy? Sometimes, especially if it's a stranger at the store or a gathering of friends or people at church...I don't seem to have a hard time speaking kindly and in love to those people. I'm not as emotionally invested in them as I am in my husband, kids, extended family and very closest friendships. That's where I'm tested. And I fail, miserably, far more than I succeed.

Surrender, I believe is to give up and give in to God's will. To empty myself of myself and allow God to fill me up. Allow Him to work through me. This is what I desire. This is what I struggle with. It's sacrifice. And sacrifice hurts. It's something that we have to give up that we really just don't want to give up, whether it's a harsh tone, a wrong relationship, a material possession, people that we love...the list is long. Ultimately, I believe that true surrender will lead to true joy, to true peace, to seeing the glory of God work in our lives as it's meant to. I think we get in the way of ourselves and the plans God has for us quite often. I'm sure I do. I believe that even when we stray from His path, He can still work things for our good, but not without a tremendous amount of pain, hardship, sacrifice, sadness - I think we have to travel a much more difficult road when we aren't obedient to His will by surrendering and sacrificing when and what He asks of us. When we delay our obedience, the cost is far greater than when we follow faster. I have very specific examples of times in my life that I have clearly gone against what God has wanted for me, and because of that, I have had to suffer through some stuff that hasn't been pleasant. Here's one story of many, and I think one that others can relate to, regardless of their spiritual beliefs...

I've always been overweight...pretty much my whole life at least marginally overweight. But there was a period of time in my life where I became "morbidly obese" and I had managed to tip the scale at my doctor's office, only seeing the number "350+" written in my chart. I'm certain that it's not in God's will for me to become so obese. For one thing, I'm created in God's image and if I take care of myself, I'm taking care of Him, of His gift of my life. For another thing, I had too much, while others had not nearly enough, or nothing. In no way do I believe that He thinks it's ok to eat more than I need, over and over again, and to allow myself to get so heavy. God, through His incredible grace, worked this miserable existence I was living in to my good. How? Well, I was able to have LapBand surgery 7 years ago, paid for mostly (90%) by my health insurance plan. 7 years later, through a lot of hard work, exercise, changing my eating habits...I have lost about 140lbs. Because I have lost this weight and gotten healthier, I have been able to go to nursing school, become a nurse, keep up with my kids, I can barely sit still anymore, I'm able to do SO much that I never thought I'd be able to do...my life literally has been changed for the good by having this surgery and losing this weight. The problem? Sagging skin and a body that is falling apart in the aftermath of carrying all of that extra weight around for so long. I have bulging discs in my back, had 2 torn tendons in my feet, an injured shoulder and most recently, surgery to repair a tear in my knee. The sagging skin is incredibly frustrating, as I can't wear clothes I should be able to wear and I have to see and feel all this skin every day, as a constant reminder of what I did to myself. The injuries I've suffered have slowed me down and caused a lot of pain, forced me to shift my course in my nursing career to less physically demanding jobs, and impeded my weight loss journey. All of this to say, that although God did and is working all of this for my good, it's come at a cost, and a hefty one. I could have started in my late teens and early 20's to really take care of myself, to eat healthier and to exercise regularly and I'm sure I would have been living in His will for me, at least in that one aspect of my life. I might not have had to go through everything I've gone through. This journey has been tough, and I've learned a lot of valuable lessons, but I am reminded daily of the price I have had to pay for delaying my surrender to Him.

None of this is to say that we don't have to go through suffering sometimes, even if we are living in God's will. We are tested and our faith can be shaken even if we are living in surrender. Take Job for example. Here's a dude that seemingly had everything...a large, close family, lots of animals, possessions, financial success and He was living in surrender to God, a good man in God's eyes. Then he was tested...he lost just about everything almost all at once. Lost his animals, possessions, lost all of his children, lost his health...and basically lost his will to live. One thing he didn't lose was his faith in God and his belief that He was in control. Job suffered incredibly, but continued to praise God even when he just wanted to give up and die. He refused to curse God for his suffering. The result? Job ended up being twice as blessed by God and lived the remainder of his life with much more than he originally had. Sometimes we go through the fire so that God can refine us. I'm reminded here of the following verse:

"This third I will put into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.’” - Zechariah 13:9, New International Version (NIV)

Sometimes going through the fire will refine us and make us better and remind us that God is in control. Sure, it would be nice if we could just remember that all the time and always be faithful, always live in surrender and sacrifice and never have to endure the suffering. But, we are human, and we all fall short. We all only see a "sliver" of our life and circumstances, and it's easy to want what we think is best for us through that lens. But God sees the entire scene, our entire life laid out before His eyes, and He knows the plans He has for us, and He knows where and when we will fail to live in His will, and as Paul reminds us in Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

We must continue to surrender and continue to live in His will. We will surely fail, probably more than we succeed. But thankfully, we have a God who is always right there, who will refine us like silver and bring us who believe into His glory. It's a hard fight, especially in this corrupt, fallen, selfish world we live in...but it's a fight worth fighting.

Lord I just pray that You will continue to open my eyes to Your will for me, that You will continue to ask me to surrender what is necessary for me to surrender so that I may be refined like silver. I know that I'm selfish and that I want what I want when I want it. I'm impatient and it's hard for me to see what's on the other side of suffering through my surrender...but help me to trust in You and to know that You are in control and that Your plans and Your will for me are right and good and will bring me true joy and peace and eternal life because I believe. Catch me when I fall Lord and place me back on the path that leads to You, not away from You. Thank you for patiently waiting for me to follow You and help me learn to respond faster to Your will from this point forward. In Jesus' name, Amen.

I might be ready...but are they?

I feel like I've made a breakthrough in my faith journey. I think I feel that I'm ready to let my family know. I wrote them a letter because I've determined through thinking and praying about it ALOT that this is the best way for me and for them to "come out of the closet" so to speak. For one thing, I seem to be able to articulate my thoughts in writing much better than speaking. Often times I have these great thoughts in my head and then when they come out of my mouth...it's like a fumble in a football game. I also tend to get a tad emotional (ok maybe more than a tad) and that tends to get in the way of what I'm trying to say and makes me fumble over my words even more.

So, I have a letter written...and I was thinking about telling my family on my birthday last week because I figured I would only be ruining my own day and not anyone else's. But when I got to my sister's house for the celebration, it just didn't seem or feel right in my gut to do it then. Besides, my best friend pointed out that it might be better to approach them individually rather than in a group setting...I thought that seemed like a better idea. I went home and prayed some more, and I took some advice from my Jewish Jesus believing mentor friend and ordered the book I had mentioned in a previous post "Betrayed!" by Stan Telchin. I am planning on giving this to my mom with my letter...and then emailing the letter to the rest of my immediate family once I know she's had a chance to read it.

I had what I thought was a great opportunity to do this the other day when I asked my sister if I could come over with my youngest son to hang out with her and my nephews in the afternoon. She told me that my mom was there watching the babies in the morning, so I just assumed that since my mom doesn't drive, and I'd be coming over, and since I live closest to my mom, that I would be taking her home when I went home. I was so convinced this was the right time that I texted a whole bunch of my believing friends asking for prayers of strength and courage. Many responded with loving, supportive and encouraging words and scripture verses - and I just felt at peace about it and knew that they were praying for me! I got in my car, grabbed the book and the letter and went on my way. I really felt like I could do this, and figured I'd give it to her when I dropped her off at her apartment and was just trying to work out details in my head about how to do that - but then decided to let God lead. Well, my assumptions were way off. She'd been picked up by a "friend" of hers at my sisters and would be out with him the rest of the day. I guess this wasn't the time either.

So now, I've been thinking, and praying - maybe I feel ready to do this, but maybe God is trying to tell me that THEY are not quite ready to receive this yet. Maybe I need to just really let God lead in this and provide the right opportunity and the right time to give my mom the letter and the book. I have an opportunity coming up in a couple weeks when I'll be picking my mom up from the airport after a visit with my brother and his family. So I'm going to just have the stuff with me to give her and see if God thinks it's the right time or not. As much as I really just want to get this out in the open and be free from the chains that bind me, I also want to be sensitive to them and their readiness. I am sure they'll never truly be ready to receive this and I may never be fully and completely ready to tell them, but if I can trust God, be patient, but also be ready and willing...then I think the right time will come...and I pray sooner rather than later.

God, I am so grateful for Your wisdom, Your timing, and Your patience. I know that if I will let You, You will lead me in this decision of when to tell my family about my faith in Your Son. I want to trust You with this and trust that You will provide the right opportunity at the right time and that You will give me the courage and strength to move when You say move. I have lived my entire life doing things my way, in my time and without consulting You first. This time, I want to do things right. So I ask You to help me be patient, have faith and trust in You. I will really try to be on guard and listen for Your voice, for Your nudging feelings in my gut and that I will follow in obedience. I know that when I do things Your way, it will be good and right...and I understand that doesn't mean it will be good and perfect with my family, but that through the eternal perspective, it will be right. Thanks God for Your promises and Your grace. In Jesus name, Amen.

Gut vs. God

People are always saying that they want to do God's will, they want to do what He says, they want to hear from Him. I've heard people say, "this is what God told me to do" or "this is what I heard the Lord say..." or "I felt led by God to do this or to not do that."

All good stuff. I want that too. I want to know what God's will is for me. I want to hear Him, I want to be led by His spirit in all that I do.

Then there's people who say "go with your gut" or "I just knew in my gut this is what I should do" or "I just felt that this was the right thing in my gut." Or, "if I wouldn't have gone with my gut, this [bad thing] would have happened or "if I would have just gone with my gut, I wouldn't have had this [bad thing] happen.

In nursing school, this "gut" thing got brought up alot. I would ponder over test questions or skills labs and would constantly question myself...and I would hear (sometimes from myself and sometimes from others), "just go with your gut" or "why didn't you go with your gut, you would have been right!" OY VEY!

So, is it Gut vs. God or is it that God gives us our "gut" instincts? Could it be that God is trying to lead us through our "gut?" These are the things I have been pondering lately. It's not because I have intenstinal issues, although I sometimes do, but who doesn't? I just wonder if those "natural" instincts that we have that sometimes seriously gnaw at our insides trying to get us to go with that feeling and not turn back...are God trying to tell us what to do and what not to do.

I am pretty sure I've had a "gut" feeling not to sneak out of my friends house with them in the middle of the night (hypothetically speaking, ahem), but I did it anyway. I was fortunate to not have gotten into trouble or have something bad happen to me, but that whole time, I was feeling pretty guilty and not really having fun. Should I have listened to my gut and said "no I'm not going to sneak out, it's not right." Well, I obviously didn't. Many, many times in my life I've had those "gut" feelings and most of the time, have gone against them...out of stubbornness, spite, selfishness, whatever you want to call it. I have ignored my "gut" more than I have followed it's nagging.

Does this mean that I've been ignoring God and trying to lead myself through life? Honestly, I think it has. Here's my thought...I think that if our "gut" tells us something that lines up with God's word, then it's God trying to lead us to the right decision. I think if our "gut" tells us something that goes against God's word, then maybe that's the devil trying to take over. But if I'm being honest, I'd have to say that usually my "gut" IS telling me something that lines up with God's word - it is trying to tell me what is right and what is wrong and I'm mostly ignoring it and doing my own thing. This is how I think I've lived most of my life. Not to say that I haven't gone with my gut on occasion, I actually think I have gone with it more times than I can think of right now but for the most part, not so much. Especially I think I don't go with my gut when it's going to cause me some major discomfort.

I might have hit on something here. If going with my gut means I don't get to do something I really want to do, don't get to be with someone I really want to be with, or have something I really want to have...or if it means I have to step out of my comfort zone in any way, then it's pretty easy to just ignore or go against my gut, which is probably going against God, eh?

So this faith journey I'm on - talk about a MAJOR intenstinal upset. There are not enough Tums or Prilosec on the face of the earth that can settle this problem. No purple pill can prevent the acid that is rolling around in my "gut" trying to pull me in directions that take me WAY out of my comfort zone. Going to church, thinking about baptism, the mere THOUGHT of having to tell my family about my faith. Jesus - this whole thing is going to take a LOT OF GUTS! I'm lacking in this department and this is why I'm constantly wrestling with myself and my gut and my God. I don't have the guts to face what I know my gut, my God is trying to get me to face. I just don't. I want to have the guts, I want to follow my God. When I have "gone with my gut" and gotten up on a Sunday morning and gone to church, even when my guilt is trying to keep me in bed, it's always turned out to be a good thing to go. Every time there's been a unique experience or the right sermon or the right readings or songs or the right person saying the right things at the right times. I KNOW this in my gut, and in my heart, and in my mind. SO why can't I go with my gut in the WHOLE shebang - why can't I just go for it, go for Jesus, go full throttle into this faith and this journey towards reconciliation and salvation? Because I don't have the guts.

God, this is my prayer to you right now, that You will give me the "guts" that I need to face all of this and that You will place into my "gut" the instincts that line up to Your word and that You will give me the strength to step out of my comfort zone and follow those instincts that You've given me, and not to turn back. Whatever that means...and however hard that will be. Because I know in my mind that following You and surrendering to You will be eternally good and right and awesome, and I even think I somehow believe that in my heart...but I'm just having a hard time following my gut, and that's where I need You the most. I pray for Your strength and Your wisdom and Your discernment...and Your courage to pull me through this quicksand I'm sinking in onto Your strong foundation. I pray these things in the name of Jesus Christ, who I believe is the Messiah that was promised to us. God help me to feel free to say that...to anyone and in any circumstance. "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9. Amen.

To be or not to be...Baptized

This past week, I got an email from the Pastor at the church I attend asking if I'd like to be Baptized next month. The church is going to be Baptizing several people at this lake at a nearby park, instead of the traditional "tank" that they use at the church. I think my initial reaction to the email was that of paralysis. I just kind of froze. Then I was thinking about it - the idea of doing this at a lake was really cool to me. But, I thought, am I ready to take the plunge? Well, it so happens that my husband and youngest son will be at Scout camp then...if only I'd known about this sooner, I thought - maybe I could have had them choose a different week to attend camp. I guess if I'm having doubts about doing this so soon, the fact that my husband and one of my sons wouldn't be able to attend gave me an "out." Or maybe it was a sign that it's not my time yet. Shouldn't I feel peace about this decision? And what does it REALLY mean to be Baptized anyway?

So, I did what I do when I have questions, I started reading stuff. I have been reading up on the history of Baptism. I had known from reading the Old Testament that Baptism was actually a Jewish cleansing ritual back in the day of the Levitical law. In Judaism, there is a "mikvah" and here is a little exerpt I found online describing what this is:

In the beginning there was only water. A miraculous compound, it is the primary source and vivifying factor of all sustenance and, by extension, all life as we know it. But Judaism teaches it is more. For these very same attributes -- water as source and sustaining energy -- are mirrored in the spiritual. Water has the power to purify: to restore and replenish life to our essential, spiritual selves.

The mikvah personifies both the womb and the grave; the portals to life and afterlife. In both, the person is stripped of all power and prowess. In both there is a mode of total reliance, complete abdication of control. Immersion in the mikvah can be understood as a symbolic act of self-abnegation, the conscious suspension of the self as an autonomous force. In so doing, the immersing Jew signals a desire to achieve oneness with the source of all life, to return to a primeval unity with G-d. Immersion indicates the abandonment of one form of existence to embrace one infinitely higher. In keeping with this theme, immersion in the mikvah is described not only in terms of purification, revitalization, and rejuvenation but also -- and perhaps primarily -- as rebirth. - http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/1541/jewish/The-Mikvah.htm

I know I'm not an expert, but that sure sounds alot like a Baptism to me. Although there are varying viewpoints of Baptism in the different Christian denominations, I think it's widely held as a "re-birth" or being "born again." From my research:

Water baptism is a way of providing a point in time to which a person can refer to and, in his own mind, remember: He can state with certainty, "That's the day I became a Christian; that's when I was born again. That's the day that I died with Christ; was buried with Him; and was raised to new life with Him. It's the day I became a new creation." - http://myredeemer.org/foundation/baptism/conclusion

I'm just sayin - mikvah...baptism - sounds to me like the same purpose. Dying to self, dying to your old life, and being born again in your new life. Even though baptism is associated with becoming a "Christian" - I think I'm seeing that it's actually a very "Jewish" thing to do. SO am I ready for this? In many ways, I think yes I am and yes I want to do this. Then there's that guilt of how my family and Jewish friends will see this - that whole betrayal and abandonment thing that I've been feeling guilt about. The Pastor attached a four week baptism study for me to do prior to the dunking. I think I'm going to maybe start going through the study and see if I feel if I'm ready for this. I won't be able to do the lake baptism, but maybe the next time it's offered at church, I'll be ready. I think I'm hoping that I'll have some extraordinary encounter with God and that my doubts and fears and guilt of following Jesus will be washed away. I don't know if that will happen or not, but I do know that it will be an outward sign of God's grace in my life, and that it will be done in front of witnesses, and that there will be no turning back for me if I do this...at least that's how I feel about it.

God I really want to acknowledge publicly the transformation that has occurred in my heart and my life since I realized the truth about Jesus. I have been allowing my fears, doubts and guilt to stifle my joy and my acceptance of your grace and mercy. I have let my self-esteem issues make me feel unworthy of your gift of salvation and I have been more concerned about what others think of me than of completely surrending to you and living in your Kingdom right here and right now. I pray that as I go through this Baptism study over the next several weeks, that Your spirit will guide me and answer my question of "to be or not to be...baptized." I pray that I will hear You and acknowledge Your will for me in this incredibly important step in my faith journey. I thank You for Your patience, understanding and love. I am grateful that You would choose to reveal the truth to me and I want to be intentional in how I respond to this truth. I believe, help me with my unbelief. In Jesus name, Amen.

Tired of fighting...

So...I'm sitting here at work reading...alot of stuff. Some of the Bible, some of testimonies of Jews who have come to believe in Jesus as the Messiah. I have a tight, knotted up back like I get when I'm in this battle with myself over whether to jump in and give myself to Him or whether I should just leave it alone and be "Jewish" so I don't have to face my family. I gotta tell you, I'm tired of fighting with myself. I think I'm at a crossroads. I want to just jump in and get it overwith already...but I'm still letting fear get the best of me. I want to do this. I just don't know where to start...

I've been thinking about Baptism. I think I want to do it - but when? Before or after I tell my family? I'm not sure what difference I think it will make but part of me thinks I should at least tell them before I get dunked, to be fair to them or something. Not that I think they'll be attending my Baptism and not that I even think I could tell them that I'm doing it. But then, why not just get Baptized first and then give it all to them at once?

What about the sinner's prayer? If I say that prayer out loud and mean it, will that change anything? Will that give me the strength and the courage I need to tell my people? I think I've said it once in a Bible study but I'm not sure that I really fully knew what I was doing and honestly, if I'm going to really say it and mean it, I want to really know what I'm doing. Kind of like my Bat Mitzvah. I learned to recite prayers and even a portion of the Torah in Hebrew, but did I really truly know what I was doing and fully appreciate the meaning of it? Um, no. I was 12 years old, I really had no idea of the magnitude of what my Bat Mitzvah meant. So if I do say the sinner's prayer - I think I want to be pretty intentional about it and I want it to mean something. Trying to figure out how/where/when to do that is a struggle in itself.

Basically, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of this internal struggle that's been going on for well over a year now. I want this knotted up feeling in my back to disappear, for good. I want to be free. I hear people tell me to just "give it to Him" and to "trust Him." I wish I really knew how to do that, and I wish I could believe it were as easy as they make it sound. I want to hear from God. That's the topic of the sermon the past 2 weeks at church. I'm going to try to be still and to listen to Him in the midst of my crazy life. I'm about to embark on a 4 day journey moving into my sister's house with my mom, my two boys and my 4 nephews while her and her husband are out of town. I'm not sure I'll get much "still" time there, but after that...I'm on a mission to hear from God and to do what He says and to stop fighting with myself.

God I pray that You will hear the plea's of my heart and that You will help me turn myself (back) to You so that I can hear You. I want to accept Your grace and move forward with my life in You. I can't do this on my own accord, all I end up doing is fighting with myself. I need Your direction, I need Your voice, I need Your help. Please help me to stop, to be still, to end the struggle within me and to follow You regardless of what that means for me. Please show me how to pick up my cross and "die to self." Amen.

Living in Limbo

So, I still haven't told my family and/or Jewish friends about my faith. I also still haven't FULLY accepted the gift of salvation that Jesus has freely given to all of us. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a swimming pool...and I'll dip my foot in, occasionally sit and put both legs in...but just can't...or won't...jump in. I want to and I know if I do it will be awesome, but I'm holding on, holding out. Why? I've been searching my heart for the answer this week. I'm not sure I have "the" answer but I have some ideas...

I read an amazing book called "Betrayed!" by Stan Telchin...this is the overview on the Barnes and Noble website:

"How can you be Jewish and believe in Jesus?"
The Telchins were a happy, close-knit Jewish family until the day their daughter called from college with a shocking revelation: She had become a Christian. Judy's decision prompted her father to set out to disprove the Messiahship of Jesus in order to win her back. To do so, he had to study the Bible for the first time in his life.
In the face of increasingly convincing proofs that Jesus is who He claimed to be, Stan Telchin found himself confronting thousands of years' worth of misunderstanding, hurt and prejudice from both sides. The key question that surfaced was this: How can a Jewish person embrace Jesus and Christianity without turning his back on his own people?
More than thirty years after coming to know Jesus as Messiah, Stan Telchin reflects a passion to celebrate the heritage and culture of the Jewish people while seeking to unite Jews and Gentiles under the love of Messiah Jesus.

So, I think this is one of the reasons that I'm standing on the edge. I don't want to turn my back on my family, on my fellow Jews...on MY Judaism. I'm proud of my heritage, proud to be Jewish. At the same time, I find myself upset with my people for turning their backs on Jesus. He was even rejected by His own family - at least until His Resurrection where they finally saw that He was who He said He was. But alive on earth He felt the rejection of many - I can only imagine how hard that must have been. But, of course, He followed God the Father - He stayed faithful to God and didn't let the rejection get to Him, change His obedience or direction. He jumped in the pool and never looked back, never doubted, never wavered. In "Betrayed!" - the Telchin family also faced a lot of rejection from family and friends and strangers once it was "out" that they believed in Jesus as the Messiah. Like Stan Telchin, I started my journey by researching and looking into why the Jews rejected Jesus...and was out to prove that it couldn't be true. Like Stan Telchin, my mission backfired. He fought it, I fight it. But, the Telchin's followed God, they jumped in the pool and never looked back - at least if they did, they turned right back around and kept moving forward.

There's not a doubt in my mind that I WANT to do the same thing. I want to follow God, I want to praise and worship Jesus as MY Messiah...loud and proud. But I don't want to lose anyone in the process. I love my family - I have 5 amazing nephews and a niece that I adore. I can't fathom the thought of not being involved in their lives because their parents, my siblings, think I'm crazy and I've turned my back on them. It tears me up inside. I have cousins and aunts and uncles and friends that I love and my mom - I can't bear the thought of disappointing her. I know that following God comes at a cost...and it could be a HUGE cost. I know that I need to focus on the eternal, not the temporal perspective. I know that it's not about ME, it's about HIM. I know that my reward in Heaven is great - He tells me so. I know that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I KNOW that the New Testament is the TRUTH, it's the rest of the story. It was prophesied long before Jesus ever walked the face of the earth. There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus IS the Messiah that the Jews are still waiting for. But my heart...is broken in a hundred pieces over the thought of losing the people I love.

I went to a Sunday school class after church the other day and there was one question that the leader asked that led me to break my awkward silence and speak up. The question was whether or not there's a difference between "conversion" and "salvation." I said that I think there is a difference. I said that I'm Jewish, and that I'd like to think that I don't have to "convert" to Christianity to have salvation. The words just blurted forth like they had been pent up in a jar for years. The more I've thought about what I said, the more I've realized that this is part of my hang up. I don't want to lose my Jewish identity, just as much as I don't want to lose my family. It seems so silly to think that I have to give up being a Jew when Jesus was born a Jew, came for the Jews, died a Jew, all the New Testament writers except for Luke were Jews, and the first people to accept and follow Jesus as the Messiah were Jews!!! The Christians, the gentiles, they were grafted in - and I fully believe that Jesus came for them too and in no way, shape or form do I feel inferior to Gentile believers. I feel that the body of Christ is anyone, Jew, Gentile, Muslim, black, white, or anyone else anywhere in the world who believes and follows Jesus as their Messiah.

I'm a Jewish believer in Jesus as the Messiah. I want to fully accept the gift that He has given the world, for me, personally, as much as for anyone else. I don't want to let fear of what other people will think of me keep me from experiencing fully the love, grace and mercy that He offers. I want to give my fears and anxieties and hang ups to God, who wants to take it from me as much as I want to give it to Him. Right now I'm still stuck in limbo because as much as I want to do these things, I continue to let fear keep me on the edge of the pool, afraid to jump in all the way.

God I pray that You will show me the way from limbo to love, from fear to faith, from heartbreak to true joy. I feel that I'm just right there on the edge, wanting to give my life to You and for You. Thank You God for being patient with me, for loving me right where I am and for showing me through your Word, through books I read, and through my relationships with other believers that You are the ONE true God who is worth the cost. I pray that you will soften the hearts of my family and friends so they will not reject me for my beliefs...but more than that I pray that You will strengthen my heart to withstand it if and when it comes. In Jesus' holy name I pray. Amen.

Romans, Remnants and a new Revelation for Rachel!

A few weeks ago, at my bible study, we all were telling each other how the others could pray for us in the coming week. I asked for something that I've been praying for now for months, that I could meet another Jewish believer who would truly understand what I'm going through in my faith journey and my "rub" over telling my family and Jewish friends about it. WOW is God faithfull in amazing ways! Here's what happened...

One of the girls in my study was at another bible study at her Church the following week, and the speaker was (are you sitting down?) a JEWISH woman who is a believer! She went up to this woman after the study, told her about me, and before she could complete her sentence, the woman was writing down her contact information for my friend to give me!!!! We exchanged emails, and I met with her the other day! Turns out we have very similar backgrounds, raised in Conservative Jewish synagogues, having Bat Mitzvah's, marrying non-Jewish men. Much of what she told me about her life so resonated with me, down to the way we perceived the Syngagogue experience, prayer, etc. She's been on her journey for about 15 years and she has told her family. It hasn't been pretty, but sounds about like I think it will be with my family...no one disowning her, but definite disappointment and very superficial relationships with them...and lots of tension. It's sad, for sure...but she totally gets it, understands fully what I'm going through and what I'm facing. But wait, there's more!

This amazing woman actually has been called by God to teach and enlighten the Gentile church about God's call on Israel and the Jewish people. She's not just a Jewish believer, she's a teacher trying to show the connections between Jew and Gentile and how we're ALL part of God's plan. She told me about Romans Chapters 9-11, which I know I've read at least 3 times now, but clearly didn't understand what I was reading! After she explained it to me, I went back and read it again, and OH MY GOODNESS! WOW. I know I will absolutely not do this justice and I apologize if I'm misunderstanding or misinterpreting what she was telling me and what I'm reading of Paul's letter to the Romans, but I'm going to try because it's so incredibly important to my journey...and to the journey of ALL believers, whether Jew or Gentile. I've always thought that it was the Jews that turned their backs on God in disobedience and the reason they don't see or understand the truth I've come to know was because they were blind to it...and that is true, but they are blind to it because they have been blinded to it by God (and yes, because of their disobedience)..."A partial hardening has happened to Israel until the full number of the Gentiles has come in..." (Romans 11:25, NET). It's all part of His plan. I urge you to read these chapters of Romans and see for yourself the plan that God has for us all. Meanwhile, there's even more for me...

"And Isaiah cries out on behalf of Israel, 'Though the number of the children of Israel are as the sand of the sea, only the remnant will be saved' (Romans 9:27). I'm a remnant. I've been saved by grace. The Jewish people will not see and know the truth until the time that God chooses to reveal it to them, until the full number of the Gentiles has come to believe. But along the way, God will choose to reveal His truth to some of the Jewish people. I think He knows which ones will have the heart and the open-mind to receive this truth, and I think He knew that I would be one of those people. I don't know why me and maybe I'll never really know...but that is my new focus. To figure out why He revealed His truth to me, and to figure out what His will is for me, however long that takes.

Well, I have to tell you...I left my new friend the other day feeling pretty overwhelmed and scared. I felt I think like Jonah when God asked him to go to Nineveh...I wanted to just run away and hide in Tarshish, or maybe Tahiti or somewhere, anywhere but where I might be headed. This is going to be a rough road, it has been already. But...running away isn't going to get me anywhere, and certainly won't get me where God wants me to be. I don't want to disobey God. I want to follow Him, I want to know His plan for me. And with His help, I want to live out my life according to His plan and purpose for me. He promises me in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has plans to prosper me, not to harm me...to give me a future filled with hope (NET).

So, this is my revelation...that I'm a remnant. I don't belong because I'm not supposed to belong. That the Jews and the Gentiles WILL see a time of harmony, true harmony and where we will ALL see God, see His truth and have the eternal life He promised us all. It started with the Jews, it will end with the Jews, but only after the full number of Gentiles have come in. God's promise is being fulfilled, right now, and I'm a part of that as a Jewish believer. And you are a part of that, as a Jew, as a Gentile, as a non-believer. We are ALL part of God's plan, we're all His children. Look, listen, and follow the path He has laid out for you. Believe. Hope. Have faith. I think I'm starting to have all these things. It's a process and some days are easier than others. This is my journey. Come along with me for the ride!!

Thank you God for answering my prayer in such a powerful, personal way this week. You are so faithful and I am so humbled that You would choose to reveal Your truth to me. I pray that You will give me the eyes to see, the mind to know and the heart to understand what your plan is for me and that You will give me the courage and the strength and the wisdom to follow the path You lay before me. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Heartbroken...

I've been reading stuff (big surprise) this week. I finished reading "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis - GREAT book by the way! But I also started searching around online for stuff. I just have so much that I want to know and understand...so sometimes I'll search my Bible app for a particular "keyword" and then I'll start reading something, and then I'll have questions, so I'll go online searching for answers, explanations, etc. Sometimes I find good stuff, sometimes I find stuff that starts my mind down the path of doubt. This week brought a little of both.

Here's what this week also brought...alot of heartache over something that really has been bothering me, upsetting me, frustrating me...for a while. It's the whole separation of Judaism and Christianity. The history - there's so much history - of persecution, animocity...that has dragged both Judaism and Christianity through the mud so to speak. We're not really supposed to be these two separate religions! I'm having a really really hard time with this because if it had worked out as it was supposed to have worked out - then there'd be no problem with telling my family I believe in Jesus and the New Testament, cus they would too! We would ALL be celebrating and cherishing the same stuff!!! I found a website that had a lot of really good stuff about this issue and I wanted to share it with whoever out there might be reading my blog. I hope you'll take some time to read this! Would love to read your comments/feedback.

http://www.hebrew4christians.com/Articles/Christendom/christendom.html

As a side note, I think a big reason for why this separation is so heartbreaking for me is that I really don't know where I belong. I mean, I know I belong to God - and my Bible study group makes me feel like I "belong" to/with them, but I am struggling with where I belong as far as in my communal religious life. I have been going to church for quite some time, and I really do like it and I feel...I guess fairly comfortable there, but not completely...I feel like it's missing it's Hebrew/Jewish roots. I mean I know that "the church" is primarily made up of gentile believers who weren't Jewish to begin with, but they were supposed to be "grafted in" to the Jewish faith, not set apart from it. I go to synagogue sometimes and have that "familiar" feeling and comfort because that's how/where I grew up, but I don't feel completely comfortable there either...because there they ONLY live in the Old Testament and don't see, understand or believe in the New Testament and in Jesus as the Messiah. I know there are "messianic" temples - which are mostly Jews who have come to believe in Jesus and the New Testament...and to be fair, I haven't actually gone to a service there - but I'm not really sure that would be my answer either. I want Jews and Christians to come together, truly come together, as we were meant to be. The Christians have much to learn and gain from the Jews and the Jews have much to learn and gain from the Christians. This is what I want, and probably will never see in my lifetime. In the meantime, I hope, I pray, and I am heartbroken.

God and the Devil...and stuff

So my 8 year old son and I had a pretty intense conversation the other day. He's got a lot of questions about God, always has. I have struggled alot with how to answer some of his questions. He tells me that he prays about stuff, sometimes literally crying to God to help him with things, and that God doesn't answer him. It's really hard to explain to an 8 year old that God really is hearing his prayers and He really does care, but that sometimes not answering our prayers actually IS answering our prayers. Confusing, yep. Even to me - I've been struggling with this myself. But, what if a "no" about one thing means a "yes" to something better for us? What if God is actually protecting us from something worse by not helping us with something else? So, I spent a few minutes trying to explain THAT to him - which was difficult and he still just doesn't understand why God can't simply make everything better for everyone, because hello, he's GOD.

Then I started talking about sin, and the devil and how God never wanted all these bad things to happen to people, but He gave us free will and He's kind of just letting us figure things out and wants very much for us to believe in and follow Him, but that He will not FORCE us to. In the beginning, Adam and Eve were tempted in the Garden of Eden by the devil, and ever since then, we have sinned. Even though God doesn't really like us to sin or want us to sin, He wants us to realize our need for Him to help us turn from it. He's also made a way for us to be forgiven of our sin through the ultimate holy sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. It seems the devil (a fallen Angel who wanted to BE God) has established a permanent residence on earth, and God is allowing him to tempt us, just as he allowed him to tempt Jesus. Here's the really cool part...WE are actually the ones that can give the devil his power or take it away. This is where my conversation with my son got really intense. Trying to explain the temptations of the devil, such as fear, doubt, greed, power...there are tons of ways that the devil tries to trip us up and get us to follow him instead of God. It is a constant, relentless pursuit of our hearts and our minds, our bodies and our souls. We are not perfect, and it is so easy to sin because it gives us what we think we want...pleasure, possessions, passion, money, health, etc...the list goes on and on. Everything that is temporal and temporary can be ours - for a price. I'm not saying that all things of this life are bad for us. But if we focus too much on those things and not enough on God...and if we don't rely on, pray to, believe in and follow God, these things can overtake us and thus, sin.

So these are concepts that really weren't taught in my Jewish upbringing. My mom always said we don't believe in the devil or hell. Funny thing though, if you read the Old Testament, there's a WHOLE lot of stuff about the devil. Just do a search for the word "evil" in your phone's Bible app. There's about a bazillion references to the "evil one" in the Old Testament. So, um, who's the evil one if it's not the devil? Through my reading, through my bible studies, through my conversations with my girlfriends, I think I have come to a fairly decent understanding of the devil. I also think I've come to a fairly decent understanding of God. I have struggled with the whole idea of the devil because of my upbringing, but I think I'm finally starting to get it. We are sinners, tempted by the devil to commit sins of the mind, body, heart and soul...and God had given us multiple opportunities, signs and wonders to try to get us to turn from sin (Old Testament). We didn't turn from sin, and we think since there's no way for us to be perfect, we can't turn from sin...so we either keep on sinning, ignoring God, or we really try to do things (good deeds, following religious laws, etc) to "impress" God and earn favor with Him. The heart is the key. If the mouth speaks words and the body does actions that give the illusion that we are following God, but we don't feel it in our hearts, then it's almost just as bad as blatantly sinning. The answer...Jesus. The single, holy, perfect sacrifice that God made on our behalf so that we could be forgiven our sins, past, present and future and that by following God..truly following God, we will WANT to do and speak the things of love that God is all about. The devil will always pursue us and will try to drive a wedge between us and our relationship with God. But we can take away his power. We have the Holy Spirit available to intervene, guide and protect us and keep us on a path away from sin and toward the light of God.

As for me, I'm trying to head towards the light. I don't do it perfectly, and I'm sure I never will...but I can feel the change in my heart and it's awesome and way better than anything I could get from the devil. It gives me a sense of peace, of gratitude and of love that I never imagined I could have. Even though I still haven't told my family about my faith, I'm still able to find some of that peace I was referring to in a post a few months back. I know that the guilt I have about Jesus vs. Judaism is the devil trying to get me to turn back. The reality is, it's not Jesus vs. Judaism, it's God vs. the devil.

On being Jewish...and stuff.

So it's apparent that my sister knows more than I may have thought. I had told her about a year ago that I was doing a Bible study - and then she found those emails on my computer that I mentioned in an earlier post. Mostly we just don't discuss anything about religion or faith...but once in a while she either lets me know how disappointed she is that my 13 year old son isn't having a Bar Mitzvah...or she reminds me that "we're Jewish" in a very angry tone, as if somehow I forgot who I was.

This brings me to something that's been on my mind and heart for a long time. I'm Jewish. That hasn't changed. Just as Jesus was born a Jew and died a Jew, so will I. I've never once said or thought about denouncing my Judaism. I'm proud to be a member of God's "chosen" people. I'm not sure I feel so much connected to the "religion" of Judaism as the culture and the traditions of being Jewish. The fact is, throughout the history of the world, many nations and peoples have tried to destroy...completely wipe out...every last Jew on the planet. This has basically led to a strong sense of urgency among the remaining Jews, especially in recent history since the Holocaust, to hold on to every last Jew standing. This is one of the reasons that interfaith marriages haven't been embraced so much...we're afraid of losing our people not just to genocide, but to mixed marriages where children aren't raised as Jews. There's such a desperation that synagogues and Jewish organizations have reached out to interfaith families and have accepted children with a non-Jewish mother as Jewish too - even though according to Jewish law, children are ALWAYS the religion of the mother. There are groups to help support non-Jewish wives to include them, support them, teach them Jewish customs and traditions, etc. I have several members of my family who have married non-Jews (myself included). One thing I've noticed is that every non Jew that comes into the family seems to embrace Judaism and is either ok with raising their children Jewish, or just feel so pressured by the family that maybe they believe this is the only way to be accepted by everyone.

There's no doubt that there are lots of really cool customs, holidays, traditions, foods - etc that make Judaism very appealing. My own husband has always embraced my Judaism...in fact he loves the family gatherings for the holidays, he has learned some of the prayers we say in Hebrew, he was totally fine with us sending our kids to a Jewish preschool and would have supported my sending them to Sunday and Hebrew school if I had chosen to do so. He's kind of "assimilated" into our Jewish culture - and my family loves him, they LOVE the latkes (potato pancakes) he makes for Hanukkah so much that they insist he make them every year. Since my grandma passed, he's also played a huge role in making the donuts at our Hanukkah celebrations. He's become quite familiar with the Passover Seder and he knows just enough Yiddish words and phrases to make people wonder if he really is Jewish.

The fact is, being Jewish can be a lot of fun, and it's different and special because most of our society is secular. When Jesus was here, he was called Rabbi (teacher), he prayed to God regularly, he observed the Jewish holidays...in fact the Last Supper was indeed a Passover meal that he was sharing with his Jewish disciples. He came as a Jew for the Jews, and he tried to teach the Jews of that time, the Pharisees and Sadducees, about the Kingdom of God. He saw that they were so focused on the laws (refer to the Torah, the 5 books of Moses), that they were not living in the Kingdom of God. He tried to show them the way to truly follow God was not to be so legalistic that they couldn't even fathom or allow tending to a man who had been beaten and left for dead because it was the "Sabbath" - the day of rest. Jesus tried to show them that following God is a heart thing, and it's about love - not just loving those who followed all the rules, memorized prayers, sacrificed the right animals at the right time...but loving EVERYONE. Loving sinners, loving prostitutes, tax collectors, enemies.

Jesus came to fulfill the law that they had been following so meticulously that their hearts were actually hardened towards those who didn't follow it like they thought they should. He came to give them the new covenant because it was clear to God that the covenant by which they had been living wasn't changing their hearts. If you read the Old Testament, you will see how many times God performed miracles, protected the Jews, saved them from slavery...tried to show them the way...and how many times they forgot all God did for them and turned their backs on Him...sinning so horribly that He allowed them to suffer at the hands of their enemies, and then they'd repent and beg for His help and protection...and so He would save them, again - this cycle continued over and over. Just read the books of Kings and Chronicles...you'll see what I'm talking about. Even today Israel and Jews all over the world are fighting to keep what God promised us. By all principles of statistics and logic, the Jews should have been obliterated by now. You know why we're still here? Because God made a promise to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and He has kept his promise. He will never allow the Jews to be wiped out. This is good news!

The problem is that He sent His Son here to show us the way to a relationship with Him...how to live in the Kingdom of God right now...and that message has been ignored by most of the Jews while gentiles worldwide have embraced it. We're not meant to be following all these separate religions, Jews, Christians, Muslims, etc...we're all supposed to be God's people, following God's example of love and living in a relationship with Him and with each other. We should ALL be celebrating together. Jesus didn't come to start a new religion, but to take up our sins, be the final living sacrifice to God and set us free so we could live together for each other and for God. When I celebrate Passover next week with my family, I'll be thinking about how Jesus celebrated that last Passover meal on earth, thankful that I'm a Jew, and thankful that I know that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. I'll be wishing my family and Jewish brothers and sisters around the world would come to know this too and that we can all live in the Kingdom together...with no one having to "remind" us who we are, because we're all the same, God's children. Just as God intended it. Amen!


When the hour came, Jesus and his apostles reclined at the table. And he said to them,

“I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. For I tell you, I will not eat it again until it finds fulfillment in the kingdom of God.”

After taking the cup, he gave thanks and said,

“Take this and divide it among you. For I tell you I will not drink again of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes.”

And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying,

“This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.”

In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying,

“This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you. But the hand of him who is going to betray me is with mine on the table. The Son of Man will go as it has been decreed, but woe to that man who betrays him.”

Being the Light

Jesus said to them, “Does anyone bring in a lamp in order to put it under a basket or a bed? Shouldn’t it be placed on a lampstand? Mark 4:20-22 Until recently, I've been reading that verse and thinking that it means I need to tell EVERYONE, including my Jewish family and friends, about coming to Christ in my faith. It's been tearing me up that I know that I should be proclaiming the good news to everyone...all this guilt that I have and knowing how disappointed people will be in me has prevented me from shouting it from the mountaintops. However, I think my perspective on this verse has shifted a bit in the last couple of months. Why can't I be the light...just do the things that Jesus did...LOVE and love well. Love the sinners, love the poor, love the people who don't love you. Treat your neighbor as yourself. I don't know about you, but I'd like to be treated well...and whether I ever am or not, it shouldn't stop me from treating others well, from being the light. I don't have to TELL anyone about Jesus, I can SHOW them who Jesus is by my actions and with my heart. I have seen the light in others, I see Jesus everyday in many people - including my awesome bible study girls who have been amazingly supportive and inspirational to me. I can see His light in them, shining so bright...sure, I happen to KNOW that it's because of their faith in God and their walk with Him. But what if I didn't know that? Would I still think they were great people with amazing hearts? You bet I would! Would I be curious to find out what makes them shine so bright? Yep, I would. Is it possible that others might see that light in me and wonder where it's coming from? Yep, sure is possible. Wouldn't that open up a potential path to a conversation where I might give credit to God for the light they see in me? Sure could. Hmm. I think I'm gonna order up some of that LIGHT stuff from the menu, please. I think that it starts with my last post about gratitude and I have started my own gratitude journal. Only have 70 things on that list so far because I haven't been so faithful about writing in it every day...but even when I am not writing things down, I'm constantly walking through my days and nights looking at life through a lens of gratitude and I gotta say, it's pretty awesome what that has done to my heart. Another thing I started doing is to take action on things that stir in my heart. One example is that almost every day I work downtown, there is a homeless man standing on the street off the highway as I exit. It's not always the same man, in fact I don't think I've seen the same one twice so far. Seeing them has tugged on my heart strings for a long time - not just since I've had this job but my whole life whenever I see someone on the streets begging for work or money or food. Unfortunately, our society has this stigma about homeless people...and there's a fear of giving them money because what if they go buy alcohol or cigarettes or drugs with that money? How do I know they aren't just scamming me? Or there's a fear that maybe they'll try to jump into the car and kidnap, rape, murder...whatever. I've been gripped for years by this fear. I've either avoided eye contact or I've walked fast past them or sometimes I've dropped money into their tins, but questioning in my heart what they would do with that money. So, one day, I got off the highway, and remembered I had an extra protein bar in my bag. So I waved the guy standing there over to me and gave him the protein bar. He seemed grateful, I looked him in the eye and said "God bless you sir" and he blessed me right back. I went home and I told my boys and I had this idea that every day I go to work down there, I can pack a bag of food to hand whoever might be standing there, and I asked them to help me pick some things to put into my bag for the next day. So far, I've handed 5 or 6 bags of food to 5 or 6 different men. I have added notes with a prayer or some scripture. I have to say, it feels REALLY good to be able to do SOMETHING for someone else. I hope they eat the food or at least give it to someone else that is hungry. It doesn't matter what they do, I stopped and took the time to look someone in the eye that I used to fear to some degree, to give them something to eat, and to bless them. In my own small little way, I'm showing someone outside of my comfort zone the love of God, the light. In my upbringing, we call this a Mitzvah or good deed. This, according to many Jews...and others, is the way to get to heaven. By doing good deeds. It's actions that get you written into the book of life. The problem with this, is that it's not really about the heart, it's about the deed. Many people like to get credit for their good deeds. They are looking for praise and for someone to acknowledge what they are doing, that's what makes them feel good about it. Honestly, it does make me feel good when someone recognizes that I've done a mitzvah for someone, but it is HUMBLING to just do it when no one is watching and to do it because you feel led by God to serve others in some way. I always think about whether I should tell people when I've done a good deed because I really do not want to seem like I'm boastful or that I'm seeking praise or that I'm a better person because I did something nice for someone, or that this is what's going to get me into heaven. The truth is, heaven is here and now for those of us that want to live in God's kingdom. It's not just some place we go after we die because we did a lot of good stuff in our life on earth. Living in the kingdom means following God, not people. But, there is something valuable, I think, in telling others about things that we do. It gives us ideas of things WE can do for others. I LOVE hearing about what people do for others. My great friend/neighbor that I talk about alot, her husband has told me about some good deeds that he's done for others and it not only warms my heart, but it gives me ideas of things I can do - and he ALWAYS gives the credit to God. I loved a recent story that involved him filling up someone's gas tank while he was waiting for his tank to fill - someone that he could tell was struggling and was only able to pump a certain amount of gas because that's all the money she had. Through something that only God could orchestrate, he was actually "forced" to look around and was able to see this person in need, and quickly offered to fill up her tank. She was so grateful that someone would do that for her. I loved hearing this story because now when I'm at a gas station and in my own little world pumping my gas, I can be on the lookout for someone that could use a full tank. That is what fills my heart and that is how I want to be the light. See a need, be led by God to do something, and do it...not for recognition or for praise or for a plaque on the wall, but to be the light of God in this world full of darkness. I just want to be the light in my words, in my deeds, and especially in my heart. Someday, maybe someone will inquire about this light and it will open up a conversation about Jesus.

Pressing in...

Ok, I've had a lot of time to think and to pray and to struggle with myself and with God over the past couple of months. It's time to stop worrying about when and if my family finds out about my beliefs. It's time to press into life, into my faith, into my relationships with God and people. I had a great conversation with an amazing friend not too long ago. We talked about how to change the way we feel inside, in our hearts, when we know what is right in our heads. I was thinking I had to pretend to be something I'm not and that's not real, it's not how I really feel on the inside. She gave me this great quote, which has kind of inadvertently become my new years resolution - my new life resolution..."We do not think ourselves into a new way of living. We live ourselves into new ways of thinking. Without action and lifestyle decisions, without concrete practices, words are dangerous and largely illusory." Wow. So basically, you just have to press in and do things, that you may not necessarily want to do or feel like doing, but if you do these things, then eventually the way you think, and even feel, will change too. This applies to so many areas of life. It applies to relationships with spouses, kids, friends...it applies to living generously, it applies to spiritual disciplines...to praying, seeking God's will...to everything! Still, that's not always so easy. It's hard to press in when we don't want to...when we're feeling down, defeated, beaten, broken. It's hard to press in when we don't feel we're getting anything in return. That friendship that feels so one-sided, the marriage that feels like it's hopeless, that spiritual struggle that doesn't seem to have a happy ending no matter what path you choose. How do you press into those things? Well, it just so happens that the same friend I had that conversation with told me about this great book she was reading. So I downloaded it on my Nook, and read it...and I'm sure I'll read it again at least a few more times in this next year...it's called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp - talk about a game changer. Gratitude. That's how we press in. More specifically, as Ann puts it, "eucharisteo." Here's what Ann says of eucharisteo... "Eucharisteo, thanksgiving, envelopes the Greek word for grace, charis. But it also holds its derivative, the Greek word chara, meaning "joy." So, in a nutshell, be thankful, give grace, gratitude...and experience joy. I challenge everyone reading this post right now to read this book. If it doesn't change your life, change your perspective on life at least...and on God...and if practicing "eucharisteo" doesn't change your heart - the way you think, the way you feel - then either you have already been doing this your whole life and you don't need to change...or you're not human. Ok maybe a little harsh. Just read the book. You'll see! It's not easy to change your entire focus from what you don't have to what you do have...but I guarantee it's worth trying. Live yourself into a new way of thinking. Press in.